Find Us Burning

What I Learned From Movies Growing Up

2012-01-20T20:27:00.005-06:00

So, let's process this together, shall we?

I have felt in my spirit this desire to REVOLT against the system of this world, and obviously there are people like me in every generation...many of you reading this are those very people. We want to raise our children differently, we want to stop the "slow fade" that happens when we let sin creep in little by little so slowly that it goes undetected, we want to hold our decisions up to the standard of the Word at the risk of looking old fashioned and "under the law"...right?

Well, I brought up a lot of different ideas and issues there, but I want to talk about what we teach our kids and invite into their (and our) minds with the stuff placed in front of their eyes and ears, both good and bad and in-between. What goes in our eyes and ears makes it into our thought life. What makes it into our thought life is often repeated, making certain thoughts habitual, and those thoughts of course affect how we feel and what we even believe about life, ourselves, others, God, what we deserve and expect, everything. We don't even realize it usually, but we were forced to realize it when our daughter Selah was just about 2 years old.

We had all the Disney princess movies and watched all kinds of movies as long as they didn't have cussing, violence, or blatant sensuality, I thought they were no big deal. I watched them growing up, and I was fine, right? Not really. Let me tell you what most of the movies and after-school-teenager- type TV shows did for me... and what they started to do for my daughter who as luck would have it is twice as sensitive as even I am. (And I am super sensitive.)

I learned from these shows and movies which were totally G rated that it was okay to disobey my father because he was just being overprotective. I learned it was okay to go behind his back and date guys he was wise enough to say no to for me when I didn't have the maturity to say no to them for myself. It won't take you long to think about which Disney movies in particular promote this!! And of course those movies, in the end, confirm that the daughter was right to rebel and run off to chase the man of her dreams instead of living under the protection and authority of her dad.

I learned that I needed to be uber-beautiful and desirable with tiny feet, fabulous hair, and a 24 inch waist. I learned that this was very important...to be prettier than average, and if you weren't, you weren't special. People would still love you and find good things to praise you for, but there was something extra special about being extra beautiful. There were just a few who got this honor.

I learned that it was okay to watch scary things, even watching people or characters die. I learned it was okay to feel scared and go to bed thinking about it, giving a foothold, almost literally, for the enemy to climb in and do what he does to so many kids through nightmares...mainly because even though the images aren't as violent as we adults know violence can be, it is stuff little minds just cannot process and so their brain will process all night long if need be.

I want to be honest in saying that the most damage that was done were these two things: One, I learned that the most valuable relationship for a girl to have would be with the boy who chose and loved her. How many of these princesses even have friends who are girls??? There is no focus on the development of any other relationships really. How warped is that--its like we are telling our daughters through habitually watching movies with romantic themes that they have one goal in life and that is to get a man to choose her and love her. (And once he does, even though they hardly know each other, all her problems are resolved because they live happily ever after.) This is dangerous for SO many reasons! First of all, that's not why we were created! Second, what if it's not even God's plan for that daughter to have a husband? She has been set up for misery from day one. Third...that's coming up next.

The second damaging thing was: I learned from watching these movies and shows how to be utterly incapable of just being simply buddies with a male. How many of these princesses have a boy character in the movie who is truly just a friend with no innuendos and no foreshadowing to what they may be??? Other than Tinkerbell, I honestly cannot think of one. Every guy from 12 years old up was a potential something to me. That's a hard habit to break when that's how you've viewed guys up until marriage...And of course we can't leave our young men out here. I can't even begin to imagine what we're teaching our sons about how to view and choose a woman of true beauty, and how to view every female they meet up until marriage. Whew.

So...it feels good to process all of that, because I want to be mindful and aware of how the enemy sneaks in and steals purity. He knows we hate blatant sexual stuff, violence, nasty language--he knows we have the sense to not let our kids watch that. But what about the message that is coming from our and their "favorites"?

I have a couple of suggestions...One, we don't just cut off internet and netflix from our houses necessarily (unless God is telling you to!) We sit down as a family and set our standards. Two, we make checks and balances to make sure everyone is kept accountable and we stick to our standards. I know on netflix there's no way to erase the "Recently Watched" so there is accountability there. We can have passwords on our computers or keep the computer in the living room where there are more people. Three, we definitely do not let the kids watch TV or even a video completely alone (unless it's a tried and true favorite that we have screened for all these issues). Maybe as adults we should also be careful about what we watch alone!! I think I have gotten sloppy in what I allow into my mind. I have my standards I won't cross but there's a very good chance they are not strict enough. With the kids for sure we need to be there with at least one ear and one eye on the media so we can pause it and talk about stuff to needs to be discussed (or fast forward or turn it off completely!) Maybe they will surprise us and say, "Mom or Dad, I actually don't think I should be watching this based on those standards we set the other day!" I think this is where we go past the old thing of sheltering them but never explaining the protection and the reason behind it. We want to save them from images, thoughts, habits, fear, sin, wrong expectations of relationships and life and themselves because everything they take in is making our/their worldview and let's face it, for many of us either now or in the past, haven't seen how seriously invaded our/their minds are. Four, I really think that watching a show or movie once isn't the end of the world (unless its just terrible). Its more of the "my kids watch this on repeat" or "this is her favorite movie, I let her watch it every day"...oh my gosh. I'm not sure there is a single movie on the planet, except for maybe Veggie Tales, that I would let my kids watch that often now that I know what I now and am clued in to how we "become what we consume". And if we don't become it, we wish we could.

So, maybe I'll sleep better tonight having processed through this. I have so much to learn but I am so glad God is making me more aware. Good night!

Wrapping Up 2011

2011-12-31T10:06:00.002-06:00

I'm a wrapper-upper kinda girl.

2011 is going to get a nice moment on my blog and then it's history. Not that it was bad, it's just...history.

In my little world, here's what 2011 was like, just to catch some of you up: Jack changed jobs mid-Spring, and it was not at all a step up. But sometimes God uses real life to show us what it means to go low, to show us what really matters, to find our sufficiency and worth in HIM ALONE! I began 2011 feeling awful, even after almost a year of therapy for adrenal fatigue/sleep disorder stuff, but in May, God began to raise me up! In June, I started running every morning. In July, I was able to run 3 miles at a time! I started sleeping 10 to 11 hours a night instead of 12-13. (That was a nice difference to me and my life!) I felt like myself again, and that self had been so far removed for so long, that "grateful" just isn't a big enough word to describe how I feel. With summer going away, I haven't felt awesome, but I have been, still, much much better than years before. I have a list of things I do to feel well. Would love to share with anyone in the same boat!! Also, God has put several relationships in my life that I get to invest in and be blessed by! I love you, Wednesday night college age girls!! We are also a part of Open House, a church plant in E-town, and we love our small family there.

Selah Jordan finished K in May and started homeschool 1st grade in June, and we have absolutely loved the freedom and meaningful time together that the homeschool life brings. There is a constant rearranging of schedules and routines, due to all kinds of things, but we do pray and try to keep first things first. Selah, as well as our whole family, has really grown in the Lord this year! She prayed to receive Christ as her personal Lord and Savior and was baptized Nov. 6th. She is investing her time in a quiet time every day and I have seen her minister this year in special ways to many people. We are all involved in FAITH homeschool co-op and we LOVE it. She's actually moving on to 2nd grade now, and some of her curriculum is 3rd grade, which is one of the great things about homeschool (she can work on her level) but for all purposes outside of school work she will still be a 1st grader!! No skipping grades. She especially loves Science and Bible. She likes art but tends to rush through; and she likes piano, but getting her to remember to practice on her own is more work for me than her, so we have to figure out a system there. (Now I know how parents of my students feel!) Selah is a total and absolute joy, friend, and jewel.

Yemi Abigail has changed and grown and come alive this year!! She is so funny, smart, sweet, and beautiful. She is also mischievous and sneaky and goofy. She loves to make people laugh and lately the answer to any question posed to her is: "Cuckoo head." She loves to play with her toys, especially puzzles, and even though she gets in trouble for it almost every day, she cannot resist sneaking into Selah's room and ever so quietly playing with her barbies. She is addicted to movies, especially CareBears, Dora, and Elmo, even though she only gets to watch about an hour a day if that. She just now started caring about school type stuff (she's 3) and is learning to write her name and asking to do homeschool. What amazes me about Yemi is that she is fully a child and enjoys it! Selah wanted to grow up, didn't appreciate the simplicity of those years...Yemi is the opposite. She is in no hurry, and it's wonderful! Because she's not aiming to get approval through knowing things or being smart or whatever, you don't realize what she knows until it just comes out one day...like when she counts something in Spanish or looks over in a field and says, "There is one white horse, 2 brown ones, and 1 black." The "cuckoo head" thing really disguises a great mind in there!! But I say let her hide it and have fun as long as she can!

And in less serious and frivolous issues...in 2011...my Top Ten:

1)Favorite New (to me) Artists: Matt Maher, Phil Wickham, Addison Road

2)Favorite Purchases (I know this is corny but I love these things!): World Map shower curtain and a perfectly sized zipper cooler that holds our water bottles and snacks so we don't have to eat out

3)Favorite Movie: Limitless and The Muppets (-awesome comeback, muppets!)

4)Favorite Online Find: Pandora, what an awesome concept! I enjoy it but also it has helped spread my songs, and I am really humbled and thankful for that. Honestly my music was just sitting there for a couple of years while I was ill and taking care of my family, etc. Now, people are hearing some songs and I am constantly shocked by the response. (It's small, but it's certainly more than the nothing going on before. I want to clarify that I don't feel like I deserve for people to find and like my music, I am simply surprised and grateful that it is happening!!!!)

5) Favorite God Thing: Sister Bridge. Getting to partner with 3 ministries, share them (and their handmade, beautiful items) with my friends and family, and send gobs of money back to women in need...yeah, that was my favorite God Thing!!!!! Looking forward to Lord willing doing it again next fall. I can't thank the women in my life enough for their care and investment in the women God loves around the world!!!

6) Favorite Books: Abba's Child by Brennan Manning; Brokenness by Lon Solomon; Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman; and then there are the books I constantly read year to year--Adoration by Martha Kilpatrick, 100 Days in the Secret Place compiled by Gene Edwards, and some other works by Fenelon and Guyon. These books I have mentioned have shaped my theology, and I cannot describe the peace and purpose I feel in my life and walk with God because of the questions answered and principles learned in these pages. Obviously, I highly recommend!

7) Favorite Exercise and Health Stuff: I'm always talking about Tired of Being Tired by Jesse Lynn Hanley; it's phenomenal and was a huge part of God healing me. Also, I love Jackie Warner's Power Circuit Training workout video; it easily was my top pick of the year because it has 15 minute weight lifting sessions that make a difference!

8) Favorite Netflix Find: Drop Dead Diva and Samantha Who? Very fun shows!! Watched them all at least twice.

9) Favorite New Song I've Written: I sang this at Behold the Lamb this year so a few of you have heard it, but it's called This Year. It's about God's faithfulness and that whatever comes in 2012, I want to go there with Him. I want Him to do whatever He has to do to make me ready for His return.

10) Favorite Simple New Concept about God: He wants us to fully receive and revel in His Love. When we become Christians, we are saying, "Lord, nothing matters more to me than receiving this love that I don't deserve." But then maybe we forget and think we're supposed to move past it, putting the focus on ourselves and what we can churn out for Him?? Nothing matters until we receive and revel in His Love, not ministry, not even obedience. We have to love HIS LOVE more than we love or want anything else (from Him, from life in general), and when we do that, life is a win-win situation. When His Love is all we want, everything else becomes even less than secondary...and since you cannot lose His Love, you always have your primary need met! Win-win!!! The loss we feel is when we love our lives and our opinions about what our lives should look like MORE THAN we love Him and His Love. We idolize our own lives and we say it's because we want to live for Him and we say, "how can I live my life for Him with this problem in it?"...at least I say that. When this is happening, we simply have not tasted the goodness, the richness, the completeness, of His Love. We see trials as a hinderance instead of an opportunity to come to Him and prize His Love above all answers and help and solutions.

In 2012, let us drink deeply of His Love!

Christmases Past

2011-12-05T19:01:00.008-06:00

Christmas 2010

Yemi's First Christmas with us, 2009; She was 17 months old.

Sisters Finally Together! Christmas 2009

(Christmas 2008; Selah was 3. She seemed so much older!)

Christmas 2008. Yemi was 5 months old, and we had our picture of her as our Christmas gift!

CUTIE PATOOTIE CHRISTMAS 2008

Life and Death

2011-11-25T18:25:00.004-06:00

There have been a lot of things lately that have taught me and challenged my beliefs in the area of suffering and especially in the area of death. The book by Mary Beth Chapman, music I had written coming back up in my life, a book about Brokenness, even a seemingly random newsletter from a missionary, all are driving home the point that the line we cross from earth to heaven when we die is so very thin. That space between is just...like a door of mist instead of this confusing and thick barrier I had imagined. I guess I'm just trying to say that Heaven feels closer than ever, and I feel like God wants me to understand just how transient, how able to move and pass through, we frail humans are. I feel like He wants me to grasp that it's okay, that it's normal, that it's not as much to grieve about as I think. We were destined for that all of a sudden passage, and in my mind I can absorb that with some sense of understanding and thankfulness, but the hard part is that we are only transient in one direction. We cannot so easily pass back.

That probably sounds ridiculous. But I can see why saying we are a vapor, a mist, makes complete sense. We are as real as water (we even are so much water!) but this is just our body for a while...not our Life. Our expectation of health and longevity only can be agreement with the Lord's expectation for so long...at some point our belief about all this, all we expected, even for our kids sometimes, breaks down. Again, I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but I think this is part of learning humility to accept and even accept joyfully that we are frail and destined to make that passage. I do imagine a river and I do see friends and family passing through it to the other side, and I do see a lot of joy. And I see that those of us remaining here on this side are not very far from them at all. Just a mist separating us.

I guess I really want to say that when the Lord takes me, I know that there will be some people who are sad but I pray that however I go, that everyone knows I was created to go and I'm not far at all. This time is just a prelude to our lives. We were really never meant to get so attached. Perhaps living in surrender (which should be our goal) is really God just preparing us for a life and theology not built by what we want all this to be about, but what it is all about.

So, one more thing to add to the list of God revealing frailty and the reality of us passing so easily from earth to heaven: Selah and I went to a funeral today for a family who is grieving the death of their tiny baby. She was 26 weeks in the womb. I only knew a couple of people there, but I just felt, "This is the family of God. These people are grieving with hope." It was very worshipful, giving God glory, thanking Him for everything humbly...and at the same time, there were lots of tears. What I saw was surrender, not pretending things were great, but trusting the Lord. I am convinced that is beautiful and priceless to Him. A girl sang a song about Heaven and how we'll just fall down and thank Jesus for the cross. YES! That's what this is all about. We can't only think about that at funerals. I am sensitive to Selah seeing too much sadness and death, but today it was fitting for her to go with me. Her friend was the older sister of the baby who had went to be with Jesus, and Selah and this little girl held hands and even held each other throughout the service. I feel like I watched the body of Christ in action, with Selah, the singer, the pastor, friends and family ministering...I was such a bystander and learner.

I am not always proud of the family of God or the body of Christ around me. I realize how that sounds, but I'm not always proud of myself as part of it either, that is for sure! Sometimes I feel like the North American "Christian" thing is not the "Christian" thing the persecuted church or rest of the Body worldwide experiences because we often find the wrong things to get busy doing or focus on. In fact, I think we are so wrong that even our right actions are just digging us out of a deep hole. MERCY. But I'll digress about that simply to say that TODAY I saw the family of God and the body of Christ right here in Elizabethtown, and it was beautiful. Dealing with bad news and grief is never what we would choose, but it is the reality of this world, promised in the Word, and God is THERE with them...and us, when it is our time of grief. We don't ask for opportunities like this so that God will come near, we just don't do that, it would be crazy; but nonetheless, He is near to the brokenhearted, so when we can't find Him, that might be where we should look, and so running scared from heartache might not be the position we should take! We have a security and excitement in life or in death...We have one thing that will be transient with us...Jesus. And if He is our One Thing here and now, we can see death in a different light.

So Much To Say...

2011-11-22T21:13:00.003-06:00

Well, there is so much to write about and I need to be in bed in...oh dear...I need to have *been* in bed 13 minutes ago. Oops. Anyway, I just have to give the Lord thanks on this semi-public forum--

Yesterday he had an accident at GE; he was welding or cutting some steel, which was on a forklift, and a 500 lb piece of steel became unbalanced and fell from about 10 feet and hit him on the head. He was rushed to the hospital and we didn't know what was happening except that he was talking and conscious, but didn't know if it was a life threatening situation or not. Within about 30 minutes we found out it was not...and within about 3 hours, we were so blessed to find out that he didn't have any broken bones or internal bleeding, just a deep gash. A friend of my mom's had a word from the Lord before any of this information had come in (my mom had called and asked her to pray at a time when all we knew is that he had been rushed to the hospital). The word was, "It's okay, I sent my angels to soften the blow to his head." She did not know he had been hit in the head, none of us did at that time. But this is exactly what had happened. It was truly a miracle that he wasn't crushed or killed! We are in awe and so thankful for the Lord's protection, and we realize a little better, too, that God protects us from tragedy all of the time.

On another note, very randomly from this story, please pray for my little family! We really feel like God wants to do something new in and with us. We are seeking Him and studying Isaiah 58; that's the passage Jack preached from the evening he proposed, and it still fits the life we want to lead. I don't think we lead that life nearly as much or how I imagined, but we are putting ourselves in a posture to hear from the Lord. If that means we stay here and adopt more children, I would love that. If that means we go to a different mission field, that would be really great as well. Jack really would like to have, I guess I should even say needs, a new job; I, personally, am content here as I'm homeschooling and getting involved in some adoption groups, singing again, etc. But either way, discontent with a job or content with life here, that isn't reason to stay or go or whatever! We just want to know what the Lord wants. We want to hear His voice, His still small voice. Pray for us as we set aside time and availability to hear Him.

Last Christmas

2011-11-13T11:12:00.006-06:00

I'm kinda thinking about not decorating this year for Christmas. For no reason except that I feel like I am always moving stuff around and cleaning and...yeah, that's not a good reason. Here are some pictures from last Christmas to maybe get me in the mood. Thought I'd reminisce (that was Word Girl's word of the day today)!

So we'll see. :)

Necessities?

2011-11-11T20:36:00.003-06:00

I have a strong desire to live simply and for the most part, in a lot of my natural inclinations as well as actions, I do that. I do it for many reasons--some to be frugal, some to be more thankful for what I have, and some so that I can give more money to things other than me and those around me that already have basically everything a human could and should want!

Anyway though, my dear Mother who also lives simply and much more generously, said to me, "Lyn, I'm always buying stuff like shoes, tights, whatever the kids need. Do you and Jack need anything? If so, go get it and I'll pay you back." I wrote her back, "oh gosh, no, I don't need anything." But then I got to thinking about it...it was kind of like a door I never open...or rarely anyway. And so here's what I've ended up with.

Dress socks. Oh my goodness, I have never had a pair of dress socks in my life and rarely have I needed them, or so I thought. My, my shoes fit a lot nicer with dress socks. Ha! And glaring white doesn't stick out above my shoe when I cross a leg. :) I got a pair of sandals so that I can chuck ALL my flip flops. I'm in my 30's. I LOVE flip flops but the $3 variety has been hurting my back. They are brown and you will see them on my feet pretty much every day between May and October next year, unless I'm barefoot, which is even better. I also got a pair of warm fuzzy clogs that will make the winter truly more bearable. Oh, and some new underwear! I guess I did need some stuff, Mom.

Truly these things aren't necessities and I know it. Through my years of this journey of wanting to live in equality with the least of these, which OBVIOUSLY isn't happening, I have grown and learned and am not finished at all. In the process I've had to budge a little and find a balance so that my family doesn't go berserk. It's still on my heart though to absolutely revolt against the system of this world, or maybe just this country, because while I am grateful for what I have, I can't forget how weird it is that people all over the planet don't even have shelter and food. I'm not that smart, I'm not proposing that I know how to fix it, and I can't even point to what we're doing wrong. But somehow it's just wrong, simply because of the result of it. So, my blog is taking a downward turn right now--sorry about that!--but this is me, living in the middle of this thankfulness for my new pack of underwear and also wanting to lead a revolution for equality and seeing to it that WE will not be guilty of having too much while others have too little. Oh, Jesus, show us how to live out Your Kingdom here and if we're in too deep to be able to see our way out, shine a great big light!!!

One of the Best Days of My Life!

2011-11-08T19:36:00.002-06:00

On Sunday, we celebrated. Whoa, did we celebrate! Eight people were baptized in our churches (I say churches because it was a joint service between Open House and The Bridge Community, both of which I dearly love). It meant so much to me for several reasons. Let me go ahead and count the ways...

1. Our daughter Selah decided to follow Jesus and was baptized! YAY! I have seen her grow so much while we have been homeschooling. Quantity time is her main love language, and I have seen her flourish under that in ways I couldn't have predicted. Also with the quantity time of homeschooling/not being busy outside of our home very much, we put our hearts and minds, therefore our attention and schedules, to spending time with the Lord. Since praying to receive Christ, she has quiet times and reads her Bible, as well as all the conversations, worship times, and Bible we do together. She shared her testimony (reading off of Post-It notes!) from the baptismal and it was just wonderful. The public thing wasn't the best way for her to show me that she gets it though; she topped it a couple hours later. We were laying on the bed together taking a short nap and she said, "Mom, sometimes in my quiet time, I say to Jesus, 'The precious blood, the precious blood. I know that's gross, but it's like a newborn baby, it comes out all gross, but it's beautiful and wonderful.'" It's all about the blood covering Jesus offers to us. There is so much more as she grows that she will understand and she will rededicate her life (I hope) a million times, because I certainly do...but she knew she needed Jesus to forgive her of her sins and she has yielded her life, attitude, wants, decisions, to Him. Every year that will evolve into more she is offering to Him, I pray. And in the same regard, every year will bring more that she can receive from Him!!!

2. My friend Loren was baptized and I got to share her testimony for her! She was a little shy to talk in front of everyone. I'm so excited and proud of her. She rededicated her life to the Lord just a couple of weeks ago in our small group; we walked through the Romans Road together because even though she has always believed in Jesus, which truly is enough, she had never had a specific time in her life where she called on Him and officially confessed with her mouth that He is her Lord and Savior. We called it her ammunition against Satan, who was causing her to question her salvation. Now she has a date where she made a profession and was baptized, and BY FAITH in God's Word, we know that the covenant has been made. As Selah said, "Our relationship with Jesus is like a knot that cannot be untied." Loren has made the decision to turn from specific sin that used to be in her life and live for the Lord, whatever He calls her to do. We will continue walking together and I'm excited about the younger Christian friends she is making. If anyone needs a girls college age small group in E-town, we have one!

3. It was one of the best days of my life because of what God taught me through the book I wrote about last week, Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. Her perspective on death, burial, and resurrection is life giving and hope filled. She describes someone dying and being buried as a seed being planted into the ground, and how when Jesus returns, our bodies will be raised imperishable--we will bloom and live with Him and each other forever. We are in winter now, in so many ways...but spring is coming. Jesus is going to come back, just as surely as Jesus Himself beat death and rose from the grave. We are in winter right now, in death or at least a deep freeze, in a time of waiting, a time of advent, kind of like the gap between Malachi and Matthew...As much of a positive and happy person as I am because of the joy of the Lord I cannot escape and don't want to escape the reality of the brutal world as it is right now. This is the season we're in. We have to make sense of it Biblically to the best of our ability. And part of that making sense of it is knowing that when we are "buried with Him in baptism", we die to our worldly way of viewing life in the flesh and we are "raised to walk in newness of life", meaning that now we are alive to the spirit. Our Life becomes hidden with Christ in God. Our life (lower case l on purpose) is what it is, and God is surely reigning over those details as well, but our Life (upper case!) is of the spirit, it's all about what we can't see. Therefore, yes, we need food to keep our bodies alive, and yes, God has things for our bodies to accomplish on this earth, but our spiritual life needs to be kept alive and our body's accomplishments will flow naturally without toil as our spiritual walk is our focus. We must be more attentive to the spirit than the flesh, and in that focus, both will thrive! In Heaven, we are spirit. To prepare for that, we must live as much in the spirit as possible.

Do I know what I'm talking about? Not totally! :) But praise the Lord for His Spirit that takes us deeper daily, as deep as we will choose to go.

Mary Beth's Book

2011-11-03T18:41:00.002-05:00

Before I hand it back to my friend, I wanted to make sure I didn't miss writing about Mary Beth Chapman's book, Choosing To SEE. I picked it up and like any great book, I could not put it down. I think I read most of it standing up even, before I realized I was hooked and gave in to the cozy chair in my dining room.

Mary Beth and her husband, Steven Curtis, who I'm sure you've heard of if you've ever listened to a Christian radio station in your life, have lived through an incredible journey. She tells briefly of her life--marrying, seeing his career take off, having 3 children, and then adopting 3 little girls from China. Those stories are inspiring and I love their heart for adoption. Reading this book made me want to adopt again regardless of several sensible reasons I have to not adopt again, at least not at this time. They have also started two ministries, one of which personally affected our family. I'll never forget the day I got the letter saying we were receiving a HUGE grant for our adoption in 2008 from Shaohannah's Hope! This ministry helps Christians adopt, since finances are often an issue. Their other ministry is Maria's Big House, which is a home to many babies and children in China who have severe special needs and may never be adopted. (Just as a side note, I am learning that with governments slowing down what was already a slow process in regard to international adoptions, working with ministries who are on the ground in these countries helping orphans who will never be adopted is an extremely valuable ministry. I love that we grew our family through adoption and would do it again in a heartbeat, but sponsoring children, visiting them, and supporting ministries like the Chapmans have birthed, may be the path my fire is going to take...but I still want to be a mommy to more of them as well!)

So, the second half of the book is about the last 3 years of the Chapman's lives, and those are the most painful years and the most painful pages. She describes the days surrounding their daughter Maria's death; how this "sweet and sticky" 5 year old left this earth to meet Jesus; and what the Lord has done in this family's life since that tragic day that changed their whole world. Mary Beth talks about the community that surrounded them, that was an amazing picture painted. Something that really gripped me was that in their grief and loss, they really had to decide if they believed...if they believed in the reality of Heaven, if all this Jesus stuff was TRUE or not. Because if it was true, then yes, they could grieve with hope. They couldn't get stuck (and they didn't) in the place of "why"; they were so mature and humble to not stay there! Their hope was not in being able to ever understand. Their hope was set on the truth of the gospel, that Jesus was with Maria and that they would all be together again someday when this short life is over.

There are some miraculous events that happened to them as encouragements from the Lord. Little things that were just sweet of Him. One of my best friends has said to me after a tragic event in her life: "The Lord has been so sweet to me this week." It takes a lot of faith and humility before the Lord to say this, and these fellow sufferers have that in common. Suffering really does make us come face to face with what we believe, and face to face, eye to eye, with our Savior. None of us would choose suffering, but it's worth it...ouch...that hurts to even say that, but I know its true. He really has overcome the world, this world He promised would be full of trouble. The great news is that when we are surrendered to Him and not holding on to our way and our wants anymore, it is a win-win situation. Earth, Heaven, life, death. In all four, we have Jesus, if He is our everything. I believe this perspective is the key that so many believers carry--all around the world Christians are living in unimaginable realities, and have the peace of Christ.

The last thing I was left with:

The Chapmans believe that God has entrusted them with "hard" and they feel it is their responsibility to steward it well. That is astounding. And true. And a new thought to me! It is making me think in those terms..."What have I been entrusted with? How can I steward it well as unto the Lord?" This story is an ugly thing for their teenage son, Will, who was driving the car that hit Maria, to learn how to steward well. I'm sure he is saying, "Anything else, Lord, anything, but not this!" So, the seemingly good (talents, skills, spiritual gifts), the seemingly bad (our pasts, weaknesses, even sins we keep fighting), the seemingly pointless (difficulties or disabilities we personally face in relationships or jobs, stuff that is happening with our kids that we are just trying to get through), and even the seemingly ridiculous (quirks and weird stuff that God deposited in us that makes us us) are things we have been entrusted with and must decide to and learn to be good stewards of. No skeletons in no closets, friends! Nothing unusable. Hmm...

I recommend reading the book, even though it brought on a couple of speechless days and dream filled nights. While she tells the whole story of the accident, she doesn't dwell on that; she moves quickly and intently through the rest of the story. Anyone who has grieved will gain insight into their own pain through reading this book and those of us that have not experienced anything of this sort can truly benefit as well! I've said for a long time (as Martha Kilpatrick's personal puppet) that we MUST develop a theology for suffering! It's here and it's not going away; what does it mean and what do we do with it? This book shows a family who has developed their theology for suffering and millions are growing stronger in their faith as they steward their story well.

Ah...Breathing Again

2011-11-01T20:12:00.002-05:00

I have no idea what I have learned from the past two or three weeks. It's just been weird and a blur and I would like to be able to say that I handled it well. Instead, I'm exhausted and just now beginning to resurface.

Okay, that may be a little overdramatic! But I am honest in saying that I have to look at my calendar to remember what happened!

So...it all started in an effort to be open minded. That was my first mistake, haha. Jack and I love the idea of moving and starting fresh somewhere; we love the idea of doing a ministry together; we are dreamers and adventurers and sometimes you get tired of talking and you say, "Let's do it! Why not now?"

We have looked at a couple opportunities, which interviews went pretty far, only to spend weeks praying, journaling, discussing until we're sick of talking, making pros and cons lists, and even making some preparations to move, seemingly for nothing. I had a hard time sleeping and my biggest regret is I had a hard time connecting with the Lord. I felt chaotic inside as these decisions were being worked through and I hated it; yet I wanted to be open minded enough to consider these changes, because they were opportunities that I really could see us doing someday and we both are kind of looking for a change. I couldn't say: "God is telling us to do this." But I shy away from saying that like I used to. Did God tell me to do Sister Bridge or make this CD? I don't know! I prayed for years about these things and the desire didn't leave and the opportunity came. Same with adoption, homeschooling, and many other things I've committed to.

So I'm breathing again because of the two things I was able to articulate with some of my students today with their help (the adult ones, haha! I don't usually verbally process to my elementary age piano kids!)

#1 I feel like I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready for a season change, that God is not asking me for a season change yet. Pursuing Him, focusing on my marriage and kids and home, is truly a full time job. I wasn't looking for more, and when "more" came knocking, it was not necessarily tempting, it was just that I wanted to make sure I wasn't being closed minded if it was the Lord. But I think, THINK, that God is saying if we move it needs to be for Jack's job/calling, not mine, because mine is non-negotiable right now. As much as I love missions, adoption, worship leading, singing/songwriting, etc., I can only do those things so much as they take their place in priority well under those other things I mentioned. I feel a peace in my spirit about that and am going with it!

#2 If I am wrong and I am just throwing away opportunities to do some neat stuff where the Lord would work past my limits and through my weaknesses, which I know for sure He CAN do, then I will simply miss out. I am choosing to take that risk. I know He sees my heart and my motives are pure, to the best of my knowledge. If I can't handle what other women handle in their schedules or hearts or minds, who cares? I have to live by MY limits, meaning when I get to the place where I am missing HIM in the fullness I could have Him in, and I am missing my husband and kids in the fullness I could offer to them, which happens to me often, then I have to take a big step back and make sure I am being faithful to the calling I have received. So, all that to say, I may be missing the mark big time, but if I am, I am doing it for Him. I just can't take the risk of missing what matters most.

It bothers me that during these days of decision making, I felt so distant and dizzy. Surely God didn't want me looking at anything or anyone but Him during these days...but I just couldn't think or see straight. Hope God has mercy on my pitiful self when I really do have to make a big life change! :)

But for the time being, whether we move or not is uncertain, but I do know I am not open to anything that would feel like it was a stumbling block to that which I refuse to lose in the shuffle. I heard the quote somewhere that when your priorities are clear, your decisions are easy. Wish I would have remembered that 2 weeks ago.

Breathing Out Gratefulness Today

2011-10-13T14:27:00.002-05:00

I am truly breathing out gratefulness today. I have a blurry mind full of bits and pieces of images, words, and feelings, but it's all good. I'm thinking about how girls in Bible study last night said that beauty is defined to them as "inner peace in the midst of chaos", that huge smile Yemi gave me when she turned around in her stroller to look at me today, and the wonderful feeling of my soft blankets which I crashed in just a bit ago!

It crosses my mind often: I live a charmed life! It is so cool to be able to like what you have and love where you are and what you're doing. I am obviously so blessed to have 2 healthy and radiant daughters, much more energy and health than I have had in years, a wonderful and supportive extended family, my dear husband, and the list truly does go on. But it does occur to me that there have been plenty of seasons of life where I had lots of beautiful God gifts in my life but still was hoping for one thing more, one something more.

I am just breathing out gratefulness today because God has given me the grace and peace to live MY life, which means to me that I am accepting and trying to give my best to what He has clearly put in my lap. I'm not looking for more, and I am not searching for my importance by finding more to invest in. Maybe you've always been there, but little Miss Overachiever here did not always know that peace and rest in my soul. What's really neat, too, is that as knowing Jesus takes first place in what I really care about, a relaxation settles in about the other things I am called to do. It's not that those things (singing, making the CD, Sister Bridge, being a mom and wife) aren't important or that I don't care about them, it's just I realize they are not MINE. They really are God's and for His sake. When we aren't concerned about our legacy or reputation anymore, the floodgates of freedom really do open wide! Freedom to just want Him, not get "our panties in a wad" about things, even good God things, and freedom to let Him do what He wants through us as our eyes are elsewhere...

Maybe it's kind of like baseball. I never was good at hitting the ball. When people said, "Keep your eye on the ball", I really wanted to hit them instead of the ball. ARGH! I mean, what does that mean??? Anyway, supposedly if you had your eye only on the ball, you could trust that your arms and the bat and whatever must move to hit the ball would swing around and do its job naturally. But your attention needed to be solely on that ball. Not on your arms or the bat. Same with Jesus. When our goal is to seek His face and know Him better every day, everything else falls into place. I am learning to not keep track or look at what I'm "doing for the Lord". I can hardly stand to even write those words because it's just not like that anymore, thank the Lord! I get far too impressed with myself, or far too upset with myself, and God wants our attention on Him, not ourselves. I'd really like to go through life oblivious and unaware, trusting that as I continually am emptied of myself (sin, opinions, hardheaded ways) and then filled with Him in a living and genuine way, that HE will have freedom to use my life (and I don't have to know about it.)

Well, thanks for reading...More from Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow next. It is such a good book about being the wife God is calling me to be. :)

Sister Bridge

2011-10-10T19:09:00.002-05:00

There are several things that I really love and it is super fun and exciting when those things collide. Sister Bridge is a collision of many favorites: I love the nations and missions, I love beautiful material, purses, natural looking jewelry, and quilts, and I love sisters in Christ standing together and helping one another out!

There are such amazing ministries and devoted missionaries out there who are living among the poor, the least of these, widows, and orphans. I love sponsorship, adoption, and mission trips...but there's always need, therefore there's always more room for great ideas! And I've had the desire for a long time to be a representative or "middle-woman" you could say between these ministries/missionaries with good ideas and the people they are helping and everyone here in my small circle of friends and family. I've always wanted to be a voice, and I just had to "die" to it. All the talking, blogging, song-writing, singing, wanting to do something...God definitely wanted me to lay it down and stop worshipping the desire to be useful. And laid down it was.

When all of a sudden this summer I had the opportunities fall in my lap to start connecting with these ministries that gave a skill and an income to at-risk women in three countries, I was surprised! But the timing was right. It is such a joy to just enjoy this, and let God build the house. I want to be really clear that Sister Bridge is nothing more than an idea and I needed a quick noun to say "the people that get the inventory and organize selling it to people in the U.S., connecting women to women all around the world!" You can simply go through Sister Bridge to help these women in Cambodia, Indonesia, and Swaziland...OR you can go online yourself and purchase things! (The Cambodia one, not yet, but hopefully soon we can help them make a website/shipping availability).

As I said, all we are doing is getting the inventory here and keeping track of the money getting back to the ministries. NO ONE profits from this except for the women themselves, and these organizations reaching out to them are fantastic. If you are interested in the 3 ministries and want links to their websites, just check out Facebook.com/SisterBridge. We have items to sell especially in this time of year when people are shopping for Christmas gifts; not sure what inventory we will keep after that. We can give you everything you need to have a party or just bring to your small group, bunco, girls night out, whatever. The items are gorgeous, incredibly reasonable in price (most things are under $20), and original...not to mention the point here: partnership with women who are so much like us who simply do not have the same opportunity for their needs to be met.

I pray Sister Bridge can truly be a bridge between "us" and "them", connecting us until we really do live with equality on our minds and compassion in our hearts. This desire to make a difference, or "do something", is a journey of our own hearts and minds changing. There is no quick leap. And living how we live, surrounded by this constant slurring of our needs and wants, sometimes it feels impossible to ever cross that bridge! I don't believe in just "doing something"; His sheep must know His voice. If helping women in this tangible way is something you'd like to do this season, just contact me and we can help make it happen.

Health Stuff

2011-10-07T10:10:00.003-05:00

It is about time to change my blog picture! No more running through the slip and slide...however, I think yesterday it would have been okay, since it was at least 80 degrees! You won't find me complaining...til January! No, I have every intention to enjoy all the seasons, even if I have the personal opinion that winter takes over too much of the year!

Anyway, just wanted to write about my pursuit of healthiness today. A long time ago, I wanted to do some nutrition info groups at my house and blog more often about the things I had learned, things that got me back into the land of the living! But honestly, January through May 2011, I felt like crud again and didn't have much passion to share anything with anybody! Then in June, I started feeling so much better, started waking up early and going running 5 mornings a week, and just all kinds of amazing differences. So, I just wanted to briefly share encouragement of how that came to be in case anyone else needs a little hope...

First of all, Jesus. Always it's going to be: First of all, Jesus. Surrendering my health and future to Him, going through the process of accepting whatever He chose for "my" life which is really His, was a huge part of my journey. Before I got better, I truly had peace that my life was just as valuable and full in bed as it is up and doing all these things, because my LIFE is hidden in Christ and cannot be touched by the things of the physical realm. Amen! Coming to this truth is a long journey that I am still on.

Secondly, I read a book "Tired of Being Tired" by Jesse Lynn Hanley and saw Shelly Roby at Nova Medicine in E-town. I began to live by the knowledge (not perfectly at all, but applying what I could) and taking special pharmaceutical grade supplements that Shelly saw through my blood work that I was depleted of. I did this for a year before I saw improvement, but now I am so glad I persevered! I know now that our food just does not have the nutrients in it that we need, so I eat incredibly well plus take these things. The cost is so much lower than meds I was taking...and I am on NO prescriptions now.

Third, I read (so randomly it seems but it was the hand of God) this tiny paragraph that said, "Sometimes patients who have underwent gall bladder surgery need to be cleansed of the toxins introduced to their bodies under anesthesia. They simply need to do a liver cleanse and take Kyolic garlic supplements in large quantities." OH MY GOSH. I thought, "How amazing would that be if it worked?" I had that surgery in Africa in 2000. I did what the book said, and that is really when I started to see improvement, in about 4 weeks. I felt so well I literally began running 5k's. I definitely still need 11 hours of sleep a night or I crash back into all the old symptoms, and I must continue in all the other therapy included in the book "Tired of Being Tired", but everything is manageable usually if I do what I know.

For anyone tired, not sleeping well, overweight, sick often...read that book! It's like $4 on Amazon! I have definitely learned how important it is to invest in my health, because I'm not sure how other people are, but I struggle emotionally, socially, spiritually, and mentally if my physical stuff is a wreck. If I haven't gotten enough sleep, I make poor food choices, I'm more likely to feel depressed, I do not have perspective with my husband and kids, and then I'm an emotional mess. It's like I can choose to live in a pit and live my life always climbing out of it...OR I can avoid the pit altogether as often as possible. Disciplines like time with God, exercise, and eating healthy don't always feel like they fit in my "I just wanna be carefree" mood...however, by doing these things, I am much more carefree!

It's definitely a passion of mine to share these tiny tidbits I have learned with women who are not getting to live up to their potential, so if you are reading this and want to talk about any part of it, I am available!! Just let me know, and we'll do this together. :)

Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow

2011-10-05T18:16:00.002-05:00

I have had this book Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow on my shelf for many years, and have read it many times. If nothing comes of all of this moving stuff around, and we stay here in this house another decade, finding this book will have been worth the mess! I was -okay, am- finding myself in a difficult season of marriage. We are going on 11 years! Yay Us! But certain things in our relationship that are steady and constant are not very good things, and certain things that are good are not steady and constant. I bet you know what I mean.

So I needed a good dose of truth. A talk with a friend really helped me realize some things about myself and brought some perspective. It was hard to talk about it, because I know I am blessed and don't like to be negative and complaining. But sometimes it is just good to hear myself say certain things out loud and look at them out there in the air...I needed to remember I am responsible for myself, my reactions, my heart attitude, and that I must stay in total humility and desperation before Jesus because I do not love my husband like I should, but HE DOES! Hallelujah! And when I don't love my husband like I should it is not because of my husband, friends, it is because of me. Regardless of the details, Jesus can give me love to give, but I have to do the work to stay in that place of receiving (so that I can give).

So, this book...Yes, that's the thing I want to share. This one paragraph says so much. Chapter One excerpt:

"Yes, there are frustrated wives, just as there are frustrated engineers, airplane pilots, and karate instructors. But the frustration does not stem from the nature of the work; rather, it comes from the boredom inevitable in any job done poorly or unimaginatively. (OUCH and HELLO!!! I like this woman. She's a truth-teller.) A creative counterpart is more than just a helper. She is a woman who, having chosen (or having found herself in) the vocation of wife and mother, decides to learn and grow in all the areas of this role and to work as hard as if she were aiming for the presidency of a corporation."

The fact is, I did sign up for this. No one forced me to marry, and no one forced me to marry the specific man I married. I am so lucky to have had that choice and my daughters will have that choice as well. Maybe we chose or will choose other vocations as well, but that doesn't mean that we are not responsible for being excellent at this particular vocation of wife or mother or just woman. It's a beautiful task. Women are amazing, and I want to keep perpetuating that good image, especially in a world where men and women alike value women by their weight, looks, or accomplishments outside the home. Hey, I think weight, looks, and accomplishments outside the home are fine and dandy...but they are not the most important thing, by far! We can, by God's grace, be professionals at this. I am encouraged and challenged by this!

Secret Place: The Job of Our Lives

2011-10-04T19:51:00.006-05:00

I am just struck tonight by a secret that I don't want to keep secret. There is a secret place, and those of us who are "in Christ" know this...we know that we could be in a living hell on earth but we have a Life hidden with God in Christ, and that life can ALWAYS be thriving, abundant, lush, full of laughter and pure joy. Our Life makes us strong and shining in our life, if we develop this Life. It's a secret place, we go there alone; it's the throne of God, the lap of God, the face of God. Friends can remind us of that place, oh thank the Lord for friends that draw us to remember or find this intimacy with our Father, but we go there alone. We look eye to eye with Him, and by faith, we dwell there. We connect, like when you lay down next to your child or spouse or dog (haha) and just have some face time. And this is where we draw our strength, perspective, focus, and LIFE.

It's like finding out you won a million bucks, going to sleep, and when you wake up, you remember you won million bucks yesterday! It wasn't a dream. YAY! That's how the secret place is. There is relief, there is always good news, there is something beyond all this, and we have it right now. WOW! Life gets so hectic and troublesome, and I mess up so very much, and I'm so tired of myself...and I want some relief. I go to the Lord and lay myself before Him in the secret place, and it's an oasis for my spirit! I go and I say, "Jesus, I don't have to feel anything, I come by faith! I want to give myself to YOU, You don't have to give anything to me!" But He does. He leads us beside still waters, He restores our soul. There really is a hiding place, an oasis...we can wake up from the sometimes bad dream of life and enter into our eternal life, anytime, any place, through intimacy and connection to His Word, praising Him, repentance, surrender, talking, listening, teaching, friends who love Him.

Keeping our life consumed with Jesus is THE job of our lives. I personally don't have room to get caught up with anything else, if I am going to make knowing Him the job of my life. I do other things, I care about other things, hopefully all that He has told me to do and care about, but those things ARE NOT the job of my life. Those things are just...obedience...they'll come and go. They're passing. I wasn't created for them. I used to think that stuff for God, stuff that was about God and His people, and knowing God personally was the same effort, the same job. Oops! It sure does take a load off when you can obey the Lord without all that burden. The job of my life is to know Him and believe Him, and while that is not heavy, it is all consuming work.

One thing I run to the Lord and hide from is myself. I just want to be so honest here. When I write a blog or talk at a concert or something, I am always honest and I am always 100% myself. But most likely when I am writing or talking or singing, I have just come from having intense and intentional times with the Lord, I am somewhat drunk in the Spirit, and if you see freedom, or confidence, or joy, or truth, you are seeing Jesus. Sometimes I am consistent with this "being intentional" with the Lord, and I am very blessed when He helps me do that. I love those steady times, such ground gets covered, oh it's just so wonderful and I'm an idiot to not continue in it! But many other times, I'm sitting in a pit, and I'm a fool. A literal, biblical fool. The good news is, despite my example, we ALL have the opportunity offered to us to have the most fantastic relationship with God EVER MADE, if we will go with Him and make it. We can go where "no man has gone before"...if we want.

I wrote a song in the past month and I don't really like it, but there's one line I love. It says: "I am ruined for anything less, I am ruined for anything less than the fullness." Yeah. May we be ruined for anything less. Unable to go back after what we have experienced in Christ. Lose our appetite for the world. Move on past baby milk, move on past old sins. Crave repentance and obedience and God's delight in us, and not have room for craving other's attention, approval, and applause. Forget that stuff ever ruled us. Amen.

Content to Go, Content to Stay

2011-09-26T21:38:00.002-05:00

It really has been a long time since I blogged! Usually Monday evenings are my only chance to write (and do many other things!) since my mom and dad take my girls for the night. Yay! I absolutely love having them home, but it is definitely nice to have 24 hours to do other things. Like clean the basement where 1/4 of it was gutted due to mold, prepare for leading songs at Open House on Saturday, get stuff in piles for Goodwill, go for a walk...You get the picture.

So, of all the things rolling around in my mind, what do I actually want to write about?

I will tell you that last week we prayed about moving to Cincinnati. Jack really wants to be back in youth or college-age ministry, and we have always talked about being open to moving. Now when it got down to it, when we truly were considering the move, it was so overwhelming. How do you do it? Oh my gosh! I had visions of myself grabbing onto the front step and not letting go. I thought, "What about that playground we just built outside one year ago? Okay. That settles it. We cannot leave it there all alone!!" But of course the realistic sacrifice, the hardest thing to let go of, are our family and friends. Grandad in the nursing home, Jack's mom rarely in good health, my mom and dad, their closeness to our girls, friends who are family. Not that any of the family needs us; we are not in that kind of position or relationship where anyone depends on us, but just being around, mainly for them to get hugs from grandkids, is what makes my heart hurt when I really think about moving. And Cincinnati was just a couple hours up the road!

Jack said no to the position...Just was not the right thing at the right time. But at the same time we were discussing that possible move, we had sent off our resume and application to a nondenominational Christian boarding school/academy in Texas. With all the pulling on my heart strings aside, I absolutely love the idea of moving to live at this place! It really would be a fun adventure for our family, all of our needs met, including school for the girls if we decided to let them go instead of homeschool some day. The job is resident parents, and we would live with 8 other kids/teens. Today we got an email saying they would like to have a "phone visit".

I don't begin to think I know what will come of this. There's a part of me that says, "Are ya crazy? Why would you leave when you are so loved here?" but then there's another part of me that says, "But Jack isn't getting to do what he loves here, OR be with his family much for that matter, and it is awesome to know that we are free to go...and come back, too, if we want to." I can honestly say I am happy here, and have a very full life. But certain ideas would get me out of here in an instant, such as the idea of starting a home or care point for street kids in Ethiopia, or something where as a family we are getting to be ourselves, use our gifts, and share Jesus with people who need Him. I don't know if the Texas thing fits that or not. I know that my love of discipleship, parenting, teaching, and singing would all come in handy, plus my desire to keep learning Spanish. I love the idea of my family getting out the crudilicious Ohio Valley and be free from many allergies. My family would get to live on a farm and have lots of cool opportunities. This is a part of me that I can't escape: I love love love the idea of living with the people I am called to. When I was a missionary, that was basically my only request. I needed my own space to call my own, just a room and a door because I know I'm an introvert and have to hide away sometimes, but I did not want to drive across town to be with my people. I wanted to do what they did, live, speak, eat, suffer, celebrate, just like them. I didn't need to be taught that in mission school; God gave me that instinct and I still have it. I think it's important in making a decision to see if what you're considering goes along with some core parts of who you are.

Of course, being married that can be quite tricky! I require sunshine, I really do--Jack hates hot climates. I am drawn to international places, poor, dirty--Jack? Not so much. But he balances me out, and I absolutely trust that God brought us together as a check and balance. If we are both walking with God, He will lead the way. I really am content to go, content to stay. My great adventure is Jesus Himself, not where He leads or what He does through me.

A New Day...Tomorrow?

2011-09-12T14:39:00.003-05:00

I have a lot to do today...and just spent an hour on the couch watching the latest episode of Drop Dead Diva and eating cookies...so I will write quickly. :) The past week and a half has been such a blur for me. I really really really want to get back on my feet again, and several times I thought I was but fell down again. Not literally. That would be funny though.

Basically a week and a half ago, we gutted a part of our basement which had mold and I've been sleeping in Selah's room upstairs ever since. I've felt tired, haven't been making the best choices (hence the cookies), and just feel overwhelmed. Today's Monday and I was thinking that today would start fresh and new, but I guess my whole family is zonked because we all slept 12 hours last night and weren't exactly shining this morning.

Anyway, one thing that I am truly excited yet also overwhelmed about is that Jack and I, after so many years of talking about it, are applying for ministry positions that would take us out of Kentucky. I swing from side to side on the pendulum, thinking, "Why would we do that? because our friends and church and family are here! That's crazy!" to "We don't want to feel stuck in this house and this job. We want Jack to get to spend his work hours on things he cares about and is gifted in. We want to go on adventures to make us stronger as a family and couple. We don't want to have regrets; we want our kids to have a variety of experiences!"

So, you know, I am so excited about this possibly actually happening...So excited about what may be out there for us. After what we have been through the past few years, just to imagine that way of life really being a thing of the past thrills me. Sickness and bad work experience gone. Wouldn't that be amazing? Already, this summer has amazed me. Getting to make this CD, getting to do such fun things with my kids, getting to homeschool and be involved in enrichment, getting to lead worship at church sometimes...those were all things I had completely died to. I surrendered them and did not expect them to come back around, but God had perfect timing. In fact, when they came back around, they came back to an entirely new person. The absence of all of those things changed me, because I found the Lord in such a fresh all consuming way. He is my Life, and all these details of what I'm involved in and how I spend my time are led by Him, but they are not my life. They are not my priority or the real meat of my existence. They're just what I do with this body as He fills it. That may sound really strange, but to me it changes everything.

So, back to being overwhelmed...I just need a few faithful days under my belt, days where by God's dwelling in me I make good choices and lead my self into submission. I wrote myself a note one day a while back, saying, "How about if you just stop falling into the pit in the first place, friend? Then you won't have to do all this work to get out of it." Duh, right? This one took me by surprise, and I definitely feel a Hand reaching down to help. The knowledge that I cannot stand on my own two feet is a remarkable help because it reminds me to come to Him instead of muster up something good in me...

It Is Worth It

2011-09-01T14:59:00.002-05:00

Have you ever heard that song "I just can't seem to get it right today..."? It's on an iPad or some Apple product commercial I think. That is exactly how I feel about this entire week so far. When you consider time at the pediatrician's office a good counseling session, you know things are rough!

I think I just feel that as I am feeling better and getting out into the social world again (Ah, it's nice out there!), I might be getting out of balance. I might not be setting good enough boundaries. I don't know. Only the Spirit of God can clue me in, and I know He will, and as I prayed about it this morning I had a peace in knowing that if I needed to, I could make about 4 phone calls and let go of everything that I have invited into my schedule. That's nice to know.

But I think the deeper issue I'm experiencing--and this is just total honesty here because I don't fear people's opinions at all anymore--is that I am selfish and not content giving my full attention and giftings to these three people I have been entrusted with. I realized at Yemi's 3 year check up today that perhaps why I am so frustrated with her and her little 3 year old behavior is because I want us all to co-exist in this house peaceably without me having to drop whatever else I'd rather be attending to. OUCH.

When I took 5 minutes to just lay in the bed alone with Yemi at her nap time today, I have never seen such smiles! (I mean, since 2 days ago when she had ice cream at her Mimi's!) She is so good at playing alone that I guess I've gotten used to going about my merry way as well. Selah on the other hand is the same girl she was at birth; I can sum it up in one word. Demanding. So between Yemi really needing more attention from me and Selah needing to stop demanding more attention from me, I feel very alone and very thankful that I only have two kids! I don't have someone rescuing me at dinnertime every night. Jack's work schedule leaves me alone with the kids, let's see, something like 24-6! It's just me, and lately when someone asks me to do something (something that at some point I probably said, "Hey, if you need someone to do that sometime, give me a call") I find myself obviously saying no but then also being a little peeved, like a cartoon character pops up in my mind and yells, "WHAT DO YOU ALL WANT FROM ME?WHAT MORE COULD I GIVE???"

It's like if I give someone milk at breakfast, you better not cross me by asking for juice instead. Watch yourselves! :) Okay, joking aside, through my counseling session at the pediatrician's office and blogging today, I can clearly see that I have gotten in over my head and my attention needs to come back home. It really gives me joy to know that God loves my family (and me) enough to demand our priorities get straight. I hate busyness and a full mind. I want my heart and mind open for the Lord at all times. I know there are tasks to fulfill, but if there really isn't a time and space for those tasks, it is clearly not the right season for them. Pray for me and may God bless your homes and schedules, my friends!

A Walk with A Friend

2011-08-24T20:04:00.002-05:00

Tonight I got to spend an hour and a half with a young lady whom I have known for at least 7 years. She was 12 years old when I met her! I love and admire her and her parents, and as we walked together this evening, a lesson made itself abundantly clear.

When you grow up in a good home, you most likely had three balanced meals a day...Therefore, when you played ball in the yard or at school, you had the energy. You probably took vitamins or at least someone was making sure you had your nutrients, so you got up in the morning feeling good (or at least by 2nd period, you were feeling good!) You most likely had a bedtime or a curfew, a time limit maybe on the TV or video games, all so that you would do well on that test in the morning and not become a zombie like some of your friends who didn't have such involved parents. Call it strict; call it rules; call it whatever you want...Good parents take care of these vital parts of who we are as people, in hopes that we will catch on and do it for ourselves when we are on our own. It is no coincidence that people who eat healthy can run miles, and people who don't stay up until 2 a.m. everyday can think clearly and have better job performance. It is no coincidence. It's not luck and maybe not genes. It's discipline...Grace, yes, but discipline.

So in the same way, families who cultivate a relationship with God and surround their sons and daughters with godly instruction, prayer and devotional time, playing Christian music, going to church and having Christian friends over, even time set aside each day as "a quiet time", as well as maybe things like Bible Drill, youth camps, and AWANA are making a framework of faith for the whole family to live by. It is no coincidence that kids in strong Christian families often pray to receive Christ by the time they're 10 and often rededicate their lives to Christ by the time they go to college, because they are surrounded by God and the things of God. And it is no coincidence that when they leave home, they may not stay "close to God." I think maybe here's why...

This friend was telling me that when she was in high school, her whole life was what went on daily in that school and every night was preparation for the next day at that school. Those people, those halls, those clothes, that was life. Whatever her teachers led her to think about throughout the day, those were her thoughts most of her waking hours. Whatever her friends led her heart to care about through the day, those were her desires most of her waking hours. Whether we're at school, work, home, camp, whatever, we are being molded. The course of the river of our heart is being directed!!! All the time!!! So, when we leave the nest and there's no more disciplines as part of our schedule, it only takes a couple months to feel LOST. The disciplines cultivated in a godly home weren't anything in themselves, the rituals are not holy in themselves, but if a person was led to genuine prayer, worship, Bible Study, and personal time with God weekly, they may not even realize what is missing when they're on their own and feeling distant from God.

C.S Lewis said that we daily get up and brainwash ourselves! I know a lot of people probably have a problem with that statement, but I get it and I live it. We renew our minds daily and we get lost really quick if we don't. As my pastor and his wife have said, "We do not follow our hearts. We LEAD our hearts." We lead our hearts to setting still before the Lord, giving, worshipping, meeting with other believers. I don't think young adults are falling away from God because the church necessarily failed them or is too traditional or because their relationships with God were not real enough or deep enough. I think some of them are falling away for the exact same reason that I fall away so regularly!! Because they don't realize that it isn't GOD that is missing all of a sudden, but rather the things that helped them grow in Him that are missing all of a sudden. It's no coincidence that if we eat Twinkies for a week, we feel like crap! And it's no coincidence that if I don't open my Bible, meet with a believer, or come to God in confession and praise for a whole week, that I will feel lost and confused and scared that we have lost Him.

We have been fed a lie from the enemy that we are "not under law" and don't need disciplines, and that God is always with us, so that's enough. We've been fed the lie from the enemy that there isn't more to grasp in the Lord anyway, as long as we have these basics from our childhood. I have personally given into the lie from the enemy that this yucky feeling I have when I have not been spending quality time with the Lord is God being mad at me (for my lack of discipline and consistency), instead of the truth which is that yucky feeling is just this hole I have that my depth with Him used to fill. We have to lead our heart to the Living Water and drink! It doesn't have to look the same everyday, and it is okay to use whatever resources we need. It took me forever to realize that it was okay to use a devotional or Bible Study workbook instead of just the Bible. I have not depended on other believers much on my journey, but I am learning to! I believe if I move one inch in the direction of God--one page of my Bible, one moment of surrender, one verse of praise--He runs a mile to greet me and help me awaken my heart to Him.

So just like Daniel prayed in the morning, noon, and night--whether we're just now taking a step out of our home at 19 or 33 year old stay-at-home-momma like me or a 59 year old Grandma, we are all in the same boat! If we want to know the Lord, we can't expect Him to burn a bush! I am challenged to do something 3x a day, even if it is just for 5 or 10 minutes, to direct my heart, soul, mind, and strength to God. A verse to memorize. A praise CD in the player or on Pandora. A podcast. 3 paragraphs from a book by an author you know is diving into the depths of God. A short prayer walk. The answer of how to get "close to Him" again is never out of reach. He put the desire for that in us in the first place.

A Rough Day So Far!

2011-08-10T10:16:00.002-05:00

I realize that many times on my blog I am only sitting down to write when I feel good and life is great and God is teaching me something cool. What's the point of sharing about the rough days? Just sounds like complaining! But...that is not sharing the whole truth and nothing but the truth! Today has been a rough day so far, and it is great to know that I can share it, have my mind renewed with truth from the Word and the Lord, and move on!

It's nothing big, just all these little things, like last night I got in bed early and couldn't sleep for at least 2 and a half hours. I had a horrible headache and just felt miserable. Then when I got up this morning, I got on the scale and after about 10 weeks of exercising 45 minutes 5 days a week and being wise and self-controlled in my eating, found that I still weigh exactly the same weight. I went out for a walk and the scariest, fattest, growliest dog on my road was not in his pen and came tearing across his yard to me while his owner screamed at him. I'm afraid of dogs in the first place, and all I could do was whimper, "God, please protect me. God, please protect me." I really was terrified, and thankfully the dog stopped at the edge of his yard. I was so angry and unfortunately had to spend the rest of my walk processing through what happened and discussing with myself whether or not I should go past that house ever again...and coming up with ugly threats if I ever got to speak with that owner, which I do plan on doing, minus the threats.

Then I come in the house to my sweet girls and their beautiful mess...but the mess really lies in the dust and dirt and dishes that has little to do with them. I've already gotten a lot of that cleaned, and I am so thankful just to have a house, but sometimes the constantness (making up words here) of keeping my house decent wears on me. Especially when I have my darling husband who piles stuff up in corners to collect dust and NEVER get put away...and then when he needs whatever he piled somewhere, he doesn't know where it is...and if I moved it, I'm responsible for where I put it and with the sheer amount of these objects I'm talking about, seriously, how can I remember? Plus, our house has some issues (like leaks in the basement and projects from a year and a half ago that never got finished yet the materials to finish the projects lay in piles inside my house). I am telling you, if a dump truck magically appeared at my house with 2 guys capable of carrying out stuff...

Okay, enough. Back to doing what I need to do, and at this very moment I am turning on some worship music and letting God do His magic in me! His mercies are new every morning! He is my Portion! He is my Joy! Bless the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all His benefits!!!!! We will conquer the dust and the aggravation with praise!

A Theology of Suffering

2011-08-05T20:04:00.002-05:00

Some of the best advice I have ever heard for the modern day Church is this: "We had better develop our theology of suffering, because it's not going away." It seems like the Church really does not expect to suffer. We're still shocked by it, disappointed in God over it, and personally offended...yet it was promised over and over in the Bible. Living in safe and sweet America hasn't truly done us any favors spiritually. (But I am not saying I'm not grateful still.) I am so guilty of this. The first time I really suffered, it took counseling for me to unwrap my shock, indignation, and what felt like betrayal from God.

But something has been rolling around in my mind lately and I think I can finally articulate it, not that its anything new or rocket science status...For believers who really are trying to know and follow God personally, I think the thing that makes suffering really sting is that we do not believe it came from God. I know when I am suffering all I can think about is "how to get back in God's will." I want to RUN, conquer, win! I want no obstacles holding me back from a glorious life in Him, but that glorious life in Him isn't necessarily going to be found in the physical realm or in things leveling out, calming down, or getting easier. Instead of promising that picture we have in our minds of what "living in God's will" would look like, we are promised the cross. The cross comes in the form of suffering, and the suffering comes in the form of: dreams that do not come true, disappointments, failure, disease, tragedies...

Accepting the cross and not scorning its shame is a Key. It is sharing in the sufferings of Christ which He said we will have opportunity to do, and He is inviting us to not only share in those sufferings, He is inviting us to follow His example in the way He bore up under those sufferings. He knew He was in the perfect middle of the will of His Father; at different times, he felt the humility, the joy, and the abandonment, but He always could hold on to knowing He was in His Father's will. Whether you're suffering because you are sick on the mission field or suffering because you can't get a good job, when you live trusting in the Lord with all your heart, your suffering gets to accomplish a great work in you! You're in God's will! All those verses about suffering producing perseverance, character, and faith apply to you! I believe God's will is all about who you are right where you are. If you are connected to Him right here and now, there's no where else you're supposed to be. If jobs or locations or whatever need to change, you can bet those details will happen without a whole lot of hoopla. So...

Tonight, Selah (my 6 yr old) was really tired, and she said, "Life is so hard! I wish it was worth it. I wish we could just visit Heaven sometimes!" Now, let me backtrack a little. She said this because honestly, we have exposed her to a lot of suffering. She is my daughter, so it's inevitable. If she's going to be around me much, she is going to know about the persecuted church, what is going on in these countries, the drought/war/famine in Somalia, Kenya, and Ethiopia...but also, because she experienced adopting a little sis from Ethiopia, went through the same agony/learning experience we did, has a grandmother who suffers greatly in and out of the hospital, and we spend a good deal of time with people at the nursing home since her great grandfather lives there. She is exposed. Of course, she also thinks the fact that her finger was pricked at the doctor today is a national emergency, and we are very careful what images/language we allow her to see and hear regarding these things, but my point is this: Suffering is not going away. We can only protect ourselves and our kids so much, and we should only protect ourselves and our kids so much.

I preached a little sermon to Selah in Kroger when she said she wishes this life was worth it. She wanted to know why we even had to be here on earth if we were just here to fellowship with God and point others to His love. She said, "Why couldn't God just keep us all in Heaven and we wouldn't have to go through all this?" Good questions, sweet Selah. I don't know it all. But I am happy that I have truth to tell her. Truth about what she can see--I'm not sugarcoating the realities of suffering--and truth about what she cannot yet see--that our God is in control, that we are called to sacrificially show compassion around the world, and that King Jesus will come back someday. And when He does, we will see His very appropriate vengeance released that He has held back all this time. Read Isaiah! Read Revelation! We must develop and teach a theology of suffering from God's Word, not an American version of it that says it is God's job to keep us housed and fed and healthy. It doesn't matter what we like or what we wish were true.

The Beloved is being prepared for her Bridegroom, and this will come through the refining fire of suffering...in all shapes and sizes. We've got to see it for what it is and prepare our children for their refining fire, too. We kind of have to...grow up and stop skirting around it, closing our eyes and hoping it won't be there when we open them. Come Lord Jesus, and help us through Your Spirit until You do!

Excited

2011-08-04T20:49:00.005-05:00

Before I go to bed tonight, I just have to type out some of my excitement. First of all, I just have to say GLORY to God because He has chosen to let me feel great this summer. I would love to get to continue this way. We will see what He has in mind. I hope I can handle it (well, I know I can't, so I will say, I will be relying on Him to make me handle it) if everything has to come to a screeching halt. Anyway, I'm rambling...Here's what I'm excited about!

I am excited about all this new school year brings. I love our homeschool curriculum (My Father's World, but we are also throwing in several other subjects and resources). I love that Selah is doing gymnastics. It was so much fun to watch her go around the gym and get to try out every single one of those cool things (cool to her; they just make my hands start sweating even looking at them). I love that my mom comes on Tuesdays, giving me a day to teach lessons again and prepare for things coming up, such as maybe leading songs at church one weekend or a concert. I'm excited about making a CD and getting to share these songs in concerts maybe once a month. I'm excited that by God's grace, and I do not say that lightly because He knows it's Him, I am out on my road running 5 mornings a week. And lastly, I am excited that I am going to be co-teaching Spanish and Missions 2 mornings a month to homeschoolers in FAITH's Enrichment program!

If that made your head spin, it did mine as well. We'll see if I make it to Christmas. Everything in my life right now feels very focused and led by the Lord (i hope!). I'm getting to teach and do many things that I have a passion for, but had completely given up and surrendered to God. I'm excited that when people said, "He'll bring that back in another season", they were right! I had to fully let go of these actually very normal things during those years of sickness. That sounds so pitiful, but it's not. God is teaching me so much about how He cherishes the weak, the unable, the despised...how He loves the humility and wisdom these things can accomplish in our lives. I understand a little bit now that things that embarrass or make us misunderstood are a gift from God.

Letting go of everything that I thought defined me, and for about 2 years only finding my identity in Christ because I had nothing else, (I didn't even have a hobby!) has made me alive. I died to what I wanted out of myself. I died to my somewhat unBiblical expectations of God. I died to what others thought of me. I died to the life I thought He wanted me to have, in order to finally and slowly embrace the life I do have. Somehow I am living in that grave still, because it is right where I need to stay...but because of the grave, resurrection becomes a possibility. Not resurrection of my goals or identities or activities or health, that doesn't matter in the least. That's just external stuff. Resurrection on the inside. Just like Jesus had to go to the grave before He was resurrected, we do, too. He gives us crosses-- to kill us-- in the same way that He gave us the law to show us we were incapable of keeping it! So when we finally give up and die and let go of our understanding of how to love and serve Him, then the Spirit finally has control and freedom and power and we stand literally amazed. That doesn't mean life becomes bigger and better, or ministry becomes bigger and better. It means there is no more striving to get somewhere else. There is rest and peace in the midst of daily obedience.

I have to say, if this whole thing I'm talking about was a download on my computer, I would say I have downloaded less than 1 %, but nonetheless...I am excited.

Being a Momma

2011-07-27T19:58:00.004-05:00

I am going to give myself a grand total of 3 minutes to write...and then I must start my bedtime thing. 8:57 p.m.

I just put Yemi to bed for the first time in her big girl bed. She was SO excited. I left the rocking chair in there because I knew she wouldn't be ready to give up rocking time...hmmm. I sat down in it tonight and she came in and said, "I don't want to rock, just put me in my big bed!" 8:58 p.m.

I almost cried. Wow. I like giving away baby stuff; and i love the talking and doing things for themselves stage; but I wasn't quite ready for that. Then I prayed for her and was saying good night and she said, "You aren't going to rock me??" So, we did our normal little routine ending in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. 8:59 p.m.

I have some absolutely adorable pictures to post but I don't have time tonight, hopefully tomorrow. Yemi turns 3 on Saturday and we'll be celebrating all weekend. She said she wants a donut, a cookie, and a cupcake for her birthday....she is SO my daughter. She is getting a Sesame Street floor puzzle and a really cool magnetic Usbourne puzzle book with a little brown girl named Abi in it that you get to dress in all kinds of stuff...Oops, I'm a bit over my time. 9:01 p.m. Gotta go! Enjoy the cute pics!

Pix from Holiday World

2011-07-22T15:02:00.009-05:00

Making a CD and Much More...

2011-07-22T13:59:00.004-05:00

I knew when I started recording this CD that God was up to something. I knew it had very little to do with music.

So, I went into it with a little bit of fear and trembling, because I had some clues of what He was thinking. And here we are with just a couple of sessions left (for me anyway, I'm sure there is a lot of work left for others to do!), and I'm seeing some glorious stuff! Well, God being glorious; me, not so much, as you will see if you continue reading.

I wanted to share three things that God is showing me through making this CD.

#1- He doesn't need me to make a CD, and I do not need to make a CD. It is not a need in any way, shape, or form. The need is this: To learn some things about myself and about how to please Him better with my life; to just obey even if I don't see a good reason to do it. I think, "I probably won't even do any concerts. I probably won't even sell any CDs, " and He is saying that isn't the point. The point is that I obey. And so, He provides the opportunities that will teach me these lessons.

#2- This is about the process, not the outcome. As in SO many other things in my life, God is concerned with HOW I do things, HOW I respond, more than actually WHAT I do. From the beginning of this project I have known that I was going to be given opportunities to handle frustration or difficulties. What a great object lesson for life! To realize that whatever happens, our attitude and faithfulness to praise Him/pray/love others/forgive is much more important than the action we were doing when that opportunity arose...whether that was getting groceries or working in a village in Africa! Therefore, I have learned that I am not a very grace-filled person. I'll give...until I'm done. Today I see a clear message from God: We can never give too much grace. There will never be a time that we are too kind and generous. Sure, we might have to make better decisions about who we work with, etc., next time, but for this time, for right now, let's see if we regret ever giving too much grace. I don't think it'll happen. (And by the way, I would never want to work with anyone other than the people I am working on with this CD! I was just playing out the example a bit.)

#3- Being in ministry and sort of on church staff for the past decade, I have seen many wonderful, beautiful people doing many wonderful, beautiful things. But I have also seen one thing almost always rear its ugly head...and that is this innate, protective, cloaked in a sense of responsibility, PRIDE. Pride is not necessarily thinking you are important or great or that God couldn't go on without you. Pride is WANTING to be important or great or invaluable to God, or wanting your church or ministry to be important, great, or invaluable to God. Pride can come in the form of being aggravated at others for not being as involved as you are in your particular ministry. Pride can come in the form of complaining that others are just not as committed or caring or sacrificial as you are. Pride can come in the form of you staying up all night to do a church project alone, because you feel responsible that it happens. Pride is there when we feel the need to protect our spiritual reputation, when we're afraid to say something in small group because we don't want to look like we are spiritually clueless, when we shrink back from asking someone to pray for us because we think they'll think something that is not true about us...that they'll think the worst when really it was a kind of small thing.

I don't think we get burnt out because there are so many people to pray for, minister to, or organize. I think we get burnt out because we begin to prioritize some things God never told us to prioritize, in our hearts, in our souls. We set goals and set our focus on lesser things than knowing Jesus and loving others. We receive a sense of responsibility that is really just condemnation because we think "our thing" needs to look like this and do these things...and our drivenness does nothing but drive others away. The fact is, and this is just a word of warning to myself as much as anyone else, we must be obedient and focused on what God tells us to do each season of our lives and TRUST that HE will take care of the results even if what He is saying seems so small and quite frankly, not a ladder to success. Spurring others on is part of it, for sure...but never ever ever ever ever for the sake of our ministry thriving or our church growing or for the identity and security of those who call themselves our shepherds. Spurring others on toward Jesus should have one goal: Those people being left in His hands for Him to tell what to do. And He may tell them to leave. It's okay. If it's not okay, then we are feeling the result of pride.

So, how this relates to the CD is that I have seen and fallen into these traps before, and I sense I could easily fall into it again by thinking that this CD is super important and worth being driven about, out of some warped understanding of the responsibility that I DO have to obey. Whether its a church or a ministry or an orphanage or my money or this CD, its not that I don't care. Its not that I don't think its a worthwhile undertaking. It's a priority because I was told to do it, but it's not more important or valuable than any other thing I am called to do such as make lunch every day for my family or pray for people God puts on my heart. In our hearts, I think we must come to grips with the facts that these things entrusted to us are not ours to be a part of our legacy, reputation, or story, and that they are not for us. It sounds like death to self and it is! But do you see what happens through this death, through saying farewell to all that self interest and self entrenched God-following, all that trying to impress God? When that death happens, we are set free to obey with a carefree spirit because we are no longer loaded down by the things that made our callings sort of scary and anxious and hard.

I think that's the point. Going about obedience in a childlike, carefree way. He didn't tell us to do things and to do them in certain ways to lay a heavy burden on us. He didn't tell us, "Go do this and impress me!" He certainly didn't say, "This is your baby. You've got one shot to get it right." We can be carefree as we obey because we are doing our part and we have crucified the part of us that is pridefully interested in the results.

As you can see, I am learning a lot about myself...and doing quite a bit of repenting, which is an enormous gift in itself. I have nothing if I don't have repentance. I am convinced all I have to offer God is my faith (which He produced in me to offer to Him), and all I have to offer others is my honesty.

Renewing Our Minds Daily

2011-07-16T20:32:00.003-05:00

Have you ever felt like yesterday was a completely different decade than today? Like you had this great day where the things you needed to do, you did with energy and joy; the people you needed to deal with, you dealt with with patience and love; the self-control you wanted to have was there when you needed it...and then you wake up the next day and it's like you cannot find that person in there. You thought certain struggles were over and there they are again. I personally would like to just drop the whole sleep thing sometimes because it takes me so long to get back in the groove and sometimes I can't ever seem to get back to what I stumbled upon...be it a good voice day, a good hair day, or a really hearing from God day. Is it just me that is so inconsistent and forgetful? I honestly have felt like the girl on 50 First Dates many times with God. That's why I journal, and I'm not kidding!

I have always known that I struggle with trying to be good and get things done on my own, knowing full well that even in my best effort it is God who truly gives any strength or success. I tend to rely heavily on my efforts and discipline and whatever it takes to do something I set out to do. But I always inevitably fall flat on my face, as I was saying in the paragraph before. I had it...then I lost it...you get the picture. So you can know I am not trying to make this sound like an easy fix when I say that if I am clueing in to anything, I am seeing this: I must must MUST renew my mind everyday. I must come to the Lord to be filled--emptied of self, aware of my absolute lack of goodness, and absolutely surrendering my control and opinions--and then filled with TRUTH everyday. Yesterday's mercies will not do for today. I need a fresh awakening to Who this Person is dwelling inside me.

Somehow I have wisdom and joy and contentment when I do not hit the ground running in the morning hoping I will naturally evolve into a good natured focused person, but instead running to the Source of my everything...Yes, first, but then all day. All day. We have battles to fight. Not with people, but with the enemy...against lies and suggestions that set themselves up against the knowledge of Christ (ask God to show you and He will)...against distractions that are not necessarily sins but will literally keep us from our callings and commitments to Jesus if we don't recognize them and choose the beneficial over the permissible. (That last sentence was partly from a book I am reading right now Made To Crave by Lysa TerKaust. Incredible book!!!) That doesn't mean every day is going to be an awesome day or we'll be in great moods every day. I'm just seeing that I am not a slave to whatever I wake up to.

Even in my easy little life, I don't have what it takes to fight my battles and run this race. Even if I did on the outside, there is no way, absolutely no way, that I am comprehending and obeying all that the Lord has for me. I get this sense right now that He is waiting on us, so that He can move us on...and all this time we thought we were waiting on Him. He is waiting on me to come to Him, be renewed daily, be full of His truth and surrendered to His Spirit...so that He can continue His work in me and take me deeper. Sometimes we are bored in our walk with Him...or at least I am...and I see so clearly now that He is waiting to take me places with Him I have never dreamed of. Sometimes I am just lazy in my walk with Him. It is good to see these things about myself! I long to have a consistent passion for Him like He deserves...and if that comes, it will come by letting every day be new and doing the work all over again of settling my heart and mind in His Presence, even if it is just for that day.

Believing

2011-06-29T20:23:00.002-05:00

God is good. God is personal. And God is completely in control.

As I have grown older, these three things have slowly but surely come into question. Really without me noticing, as unexpected difficulties, failures, heart breaking knowledge of worldwide issues, and strange seasons of my life came and went, I did not lose my faith in God but I lost my faith in God's character.

I have stubbornly held onto faith and the grace of the cross, the Word, obedience and a prayer life, and my hope of Jesus's return. But I didn't realize until this past year that I had wandered from these rock solid pieces of His character--that He is good , that He is personal, and that He is completely in control. It actually hurt to believe these things. It hurt to say them to other people. It hurt to find out that I didn't believe them like I used to. Because if I believe He is truly good, then I must believe that everything He allows into our lives He sees as good at least in the end. If I believe He is truly personal, then that means that He is fully "in the know", nothing escapes His view. And if I believe He is truly in complete control, then we all have a lot of questions.

I'm sure I have even doubted if He loves us. Really.

And I want to say three things about these confessions...

#1 The enemy of our souls loves it when we use "sight" (or the lack of it) to rearrange our faith. I was reading in a Martha Kilpatrick Bible study about how Satan used those lies on Eve in the garden..."God is withholding something from you, so He's not good. There won't be consequences for this, because He's not really in control." Somebody has won when we start basing our lives on these suggestions, and it isn't God...and it isn't us either.

#2 Faith is a choice, and we aren't forced into the fold. He is generous and kind, but I think He is heartbroken that people such as myself are saying we love Him but are not believing--really deep down-- these basics of His character! I am telling you now, I want to be one of those fools out there believing God is good, all powerful, and present, standing in the middle of tsunami damage, standing in the middle of war, poverty, come what may. Because He is. And when the day comes that He explains Himself, not that He has to, but if He does, I want to have been on His side! I want to have been faith-full.

#3 As completely against American culture as this is, life becomes much, much simpler and we become much more content when we believe--by faith, by ridiculous faith--that He always is and always will be these things I have mentioned. Why? Because we can enter into His rest. Faith is a sanctuary for the foolish. Let them say it; it's true! We enter into a rest that the world can never have when we believe His Word and His character. All of a sudden things are clearer, because we see what is our responsibility and what is not.

#4 One more thing that may help explain--or dare I say make it easier to believe--these things about God is that contrary to popular opinion, and contrary to the beliefs of my first, um, 32 or so years of life, God's greatest intentions and plans and purposes aren't exactly about us or for us. They are for His Son, Jesus. Again, I must mention Martha because she has taught me so much. She says she used to think: "God loves me and has a great plan for my life." Then she says, "But while those things are true, now I believe a little different. What I see my focus should be on now is that God loves His Son and has a great plan for His Son. I fit into that plan but it isn't for me or about me." I think of the song I wrote: "You're writing my history one word at a time with Your glory in mind, and that's okay with me." It wasn't necessarily wrong, but for me, I am with Martha. When I first heard her say this, I thought, "Isn't that the same thing??? His plan for my life was supposed to be all about Him." But I get it now. The focus was still on MY life. What God would do with Lyndsay Taylor...my legacy, the impressions I left behind, my effectiveness. The Holy Spirit had to explain to me the difference. The difference is wonderful, and leaves a lot of room for the beauty of community instead of individualism, the beauty of humility instead of pride, the beauty of equality instead of competition in the church body.

Let us wait up all night for the Bridegroom, lamps full. It's a long night ahead and we need grace to believe the best about Him. He will certainly surpass our greatest hopes.

Why Our Knees?

2011-06-28T12:43:00.002-05:00

Jack and I have really enjoyed watching Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip on Netflix the past couple of months. I cannot believe it only got one season...! I would love to find out why it was cancelled. It was a show that spoke very bluntly of the public opinion (at least in Hollywood) of politics, the war in the Middle East (or the part of it we are involved in, anyway), and Christianity. The main characters were people who produced and acted in a Friday night comedy show, like SNL, and one girl, Harriet Hayes, was a born-again believer.

In the last episode of the season, she and her friend were in the hospital waiting room. Her friend had just found out that his fiance was in bad shape and may not recover, and Harriet says, "Okay, it's your choice. I can do my Holly Hunter impression or I can teach you how to pray." Her friend says, "Let's find the chapel."

She's on her knees and welcomes him to join her, and he goes off in a tirade that went something like this: "If I was God, I would not need people to bow down to Me. I mean, if I really did what I said I did, make the whole earth and everything in it and have total control, then why do I need someone stroking my pride? This is ridiculous. God shouldn't need me on my knees for me to pray." She said, "Kneeling is not for God's sake, its for yours. We have everything in this life handed to us--wealth, fame, whatever--and the only thing not handed to us is humility. We bow to remind ourselves who He is and who we are." He, unfortunately, stormed out. But she was right, wasn't she?

Psalm 104:24-30 says, "How many are your works, O Lord! In wisdom you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures...These all look to you to give them their food at the proper time. When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things. When you hide your face, they are terrified; when you take away their breath, they die and return to the dust. When you send your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the earth."

Believing that I am on the receiving end so much, if not all, of the time is humbling. Knowing that no plans I make can be held together by my own power is humbling, even the best and godliest of plans. Like a baby, we must stay less than an arm's length from our Creator whether we realize it or not, and whether we like it or not, and that's humbling. We like to be in control and be responsible, and we certainly have to obey and do "our part" but we are so out of line when we begin to think that "our part" is the real work of God. The real work of ministry. The real work of relationships. We obey and we don't take pride in it, and we certainly don't get impressed with ourselves, because that would simply be ridiculous, wouldn't it? Just like I can plant a seed in the ground and take the time to water it, I realize even in me doing my part that I had no power to make it grow. I am not the soil, the nutrients in that water, the sun; I am just doing my tiny part. And so it is.

Why can't we have a relationship with God that doesn't require kneeling--the kneeling of our hearts if not our bodies as well? Because a relationship with God doesn't come as a partnership..."let's join our resources, God! We'll make a great team, God!" It doesn't come by thinking we are His equals and looking Him in the eye and asking Him to do His part, while we can confidently hold up our end of the bargain. Oh, my. If we think we can hold up our end of the bargain, any bargain at all, pride has finally reached the surface. We are dependent on Him even for our part.

Friends Forever!

2011-06-10T13:54:00.003-05:00

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about this and decided if I had time, I would write about it today: FRIENDS. Not the show, but the blessed reality of people we get to walk through this life with. Yesterday, my mom brought over a couple of boxes of my things from the lovely teenager years...collages, journals, keepsakes. There are some things that really stand out to me, looking back at those clothes, books, things I wrote, things written to me.

#1 - I am still learning the same exact lessons from my personal walk with Jesus that I was then. I briefly looked through those journals in amazement. I was really pursuing Him. I don't know whether to be sad that I haven't come very far, or just excited that He was so important to me then, too. All grace. ALL grace.

#2 - I wish I hadn't let boyfriends and the pursuit of that have such a high place in my heart and mind. I didn't date, so it wasn't necessarily about my time, but I did form strong bonds with a couple of guys in my school years. I know that's all a healthy part of life, but still...it should have been lower on my priority list.

#3 - Friends were my life. School was bearable every morning because of friends. A lot of times I went to church because of my awesome youth group. Once we went to college, wow, it was like heaven because it was just constant community. We were together all of the time, and they were not petty friends, they were true, true friends. Many of our parents were friends with each other, and now most of us are parents. We're spread all over the globe, literally, some of us doing what we always thought we would do, and some of us doing the last thing we expected. I am so thankful for the thousands of conversations and hours and laughs and tears I have shared with these FRIENDS!

I don't know if it gets better or different or not, but it's been hard for me to grapple with how friendships change once you get married. For one thing, 90% of my guy friends disappeared, and I had some incredible guy friends so it really was a big loss! When it comes to my girlfriends, I didn't lose them, but as time went on past college, I found out who was going to make the effort to stay friends and who wasn't. It had to be a mutual effort or it was not going to happen... But we move, we get jobs, we spend our free time with our spouse, and what a big shock really, we don't have 12 hours a day to be together anymore! I was not prepared for that! Then, shocker of all shockers, we start having babies and the only way we girls can talk is by risking our children's lives while we take the phone to the bathroom and close the door. An uninterrupted conversation just might never happen again.

Oh, friends. Sweet friends. God's love wrapped up in people. In the past five years, I've had a really hard time with this sleep disorder and health stuff, and getting together with friends has had to become a low priority. I've been living on a necessity-only basis many months out of the year, and that's been hard. I'm so grateful for the friends I could at least call or write when I was able to resurface. I've been feeling better for about a week and that's exactly what it feels like: resurfacing. I don't know for how long or even why, but I'm grateful, and my friends are going to know it!

Birthdays and Stories

2011-06-07T21:15:00.003-05:00

Selah's 6th birthday was on Sunday. As every mom says, I don't know how my little girl's already 6 years old! I can't say time has flown. We've had millions of great moments tucked into those 6 years! Hundreds of times that I've closed my eyes and hoped that someday I could bring back the same sounds, sights, smells, and feelings of that very moment.
On Sunday, we had a get together with family and afterwards we went to the nursing home to visit Jack's granddaddy. While we were eating cake, Jack's grandma told us some great stories! Here's a couple of my favorites.
*First of all, she gave Selah a 70 year old baby doll--a Sparkle Plenty doll, for those of you who know about the Dick Tracy cartoon. Selah was so thrilled, and said she would "pass it down from generation to generation." I didn't even know she knew that word! Grandma said when she was 6 years old, her mother ordered that doll out of a catalog and even though she was not allowed to go to the post office to look for it, one day she could not resist any longer. She walked across the street to the post office and saw the package in their post office box! She was so excited, she ran home to tell her parents it was in. What did she get? A spanking. For going across the street! Understandable, but sad! Then, of course, the Sparkle Plenty doll was hers and she told us on Sunday, "It was worth it."
*Grandma told us that when Grandaddy was a baby and his mom needed to get some work done, she would dress him in a long dress and then put the end of his dress under the mattress to hold it down. Then he would be stuck and would have to just play within about a foot of the bed. HA! Pack and play, schmack and play!
*Last story...Grandma said that when she was born, a midwife came to her house to deliver her. Her family was poor and couldn't pay the midwife with money, so they paid her with a bushel of tomatoes. A bushel of tomatoes!! I will never look at a bushel of tomatoes the same again! We've come a long way in 74 years...or have we?

Money, Possessions, and the Poor...Again

2011-05-27T09:14:00.002-05:00

What was I thinking about at 2 a.m. that I just had to blog about? I actually think it was money, possessions, and the poor...that's it. I was reading in John before I went to bed, the passage about Jesus being anointed by sweet Mary and he says that baffling statement, "It's okay to waste this perfume on me, guys. You'll always have the poor with you to help, but today I want your focus on Me."

That used to baffle me, back when I sort of preached the gospel of "Ministry to the Poor and Equality with the Least of These is the Most Important Thing On Earth." I went through a time, when I was making my last CD actually, where I was learning what is most valuable, what we're really here for, and personally I was learning some lessons that I hope to have with me the rest of my life. I did need to sell and give away things that weren't necessities, I did need to make sure in my heart of hearts I was not leaning on material goods for my security and peace, and I did need to learn to see the least of these, the orphan, the child in the sex trade, as my family. Absolutely. I will never go back to a place of not knowing and not acting. I'm glad I learned how to be involved. In the unseen realm, we are involved through awareness, knowledge, specific prayer, and entering into grief with Jesus over these tragedies and letting Him evolve our hearts in the way He chooses. In the seen realm, there are physical sacrifices we can make to reach out and do what we would hope someone would do for us if we found ourselves in such circumstances. For every loss we choose for ourselves, someone else can gain. I pray I never lose this mindset. While it is not my fault that human trafficking and starvation exist, I believe my life should look different because they do.

However, the most important thing I learned was to make sure I know the most important thing. Jesus said many, many things and He meant them all. His ministry to the poor, the example of His life (having no place to lay His head, etc.), and His statement that when we serve the poor we are really serving Him, are proof enough that He was teaching us to care, love, give, and expend ourselves and our resources for others even if that means we go without. But as I am learning in my own life right now, He also taught us to put the correct value on things, to prioritize our hearts, souls, minds and strength toward Him. I learned the long and drawn out way that I must have one allegiance, and that allegiance is not to the work I can do for Jesus/the poor/youth, etc.. That is devalued in comparison to knowing Christ my Lord. Yes, we show our love for Him through obedience, but I believe intimacy is necessary for obedience to even begin and certainly for it also to continue. Our connection to Him cannot be an afterthought or a token group prayer before we head out to do some good deeds. Our connection to Him also isn't to make ourselves feel good and secure, like "God will bless whatever I put my hands to, because I have been sitting down to pray lately." Look at John 15, look at the stories involving Mary and Martha. Paul basically said, "Everything I have accomplished, even the good, I consider a waste in comparison to truly knowing Jesus Himself."

Keeping the Main Thing the main thing. It's easy to get ahead of ourselves. It's easy to look to productivity instead looking into the eyes of Jesus for our sense of worth, our sense of "I'm enough, I'm okay." If God lays on our hearts a desire to commune with the poor, or whoever, our route to doing that will begin (and stay) at one place: digging in deeper in our submissive relationship with Jesus and prizing it above every idea, every exciting possibility, every job or ministry opportunity, every success and every failure. I cannot tell you how hard it is for me to daily pull away and surrender this thing of "What I Wanted to Do for God." I lay it down to know Him, because I believe He told me to, and because I believe it is in actuality the ONLY way I can be of His service anyway. I trade it in to know Him, because I cannot serve two masters. I can't love and protect my identities, my (spiritual) reputation, my resume, and my potential if I'm going to pursue Him. I used to think loving and serving Him was these things...but I am learning their value and the separation that is necessary.

A Question and Some Thoughts

2011-05-23T09:10:00.003-05:00

So...the big question for me these days is the big question of exactly one year ago: To homeschool next school year or not. I will skip a bunch of the details to simply say that I was feeling like the decision had been made for me. Jack is working 2nd shift, and even though he doesn't feel like this job is going to be his career, he will probably be there at least awhile. Long enough to bother getting on their insurance! :) Since no one is awake to take Selah to school (don't laugh and don't judge, I can't do it and Jack would only get 5 hours of sleep a night if he did it), and even worse since Selah wouldn't see Jack except for on the weekends, I felt the decision toward homeschooling had become set in stone. Then I spent some time with Jack this weekend and he thinks this summer is going to be our time to experiment with it.

I think homeschooling is a great thing for certain families. I've always thought I would do it, at least for some years, and I really respect those who do. I could spend this blog describing why I want to do it, but I'm sure you can guess those. So here are the reasons why I'm just not positive I can handle it.

1) I am fully aware of my "special needs". I have to sleep so much because of this dang sleep disorder and, just as the type of person that I am, I require pretty good amounts of stillness. I feel disconnected from myself in such a disturbing way when I am having to be "on" all the time. I need time every day of quiet, to journal and pray, to think things through, just to be. I am learning how to re-orient myself to God's presence in me in the midst of chaos, but it's still not enough. If I homeschool, I have sort of worked out a schedule that will allow me to have some time like this, but I will not be okay if I'm flustered and harried all day. That's just not functional and not how I want to be remembered by my kids anyway.

2) All of the hours left in the day. If we homeschool 2 to 4 hours a day, what do we do the rest of the day? Sure, I can figure out a lot of it, but this is a small house and while my kids can entertain themselves with toys and puzzles and what-not for a couple hours out of the day, I'm afraid we'll turn to TV if I'm too tired to take them out to play or go visit someone. Plus, they are such social little people, I do think they will get tired of being here and doing the same thing so many days a week. We'll have church, AWANA, gymnastics, and the library, plus playgrounds, the zoo, and field trips. Maybe we will form community there that will carry over beyond those actual places?

3) I believe, and have seen this year while Selah was in Kindergarten at Lincoln Trail, that absence makes the heart grow fonder! She appreciates her relationships at home, as well as her "stuff". She doesn't get bored because she's only here from 3 until 8 (bedtime) then weekends, and because that's only 5 hours a day we make it quality time. I cannot make 12 hours a day quality time.

So...here's how you can help me...those few of you still reading! A few questions you may be able to respond to?

*What can I expect Selah (6 years old, reading 2nd or 3rd grade level, major extrovert) to do on her own and for how long?

*How many times a day is it appropriate to say, "Okay, kids, go play quietly in your rooms for a little while?"

*How many days (for you homeschoolers) do you stay home completely?

*How much TV (pretty good stuff, like educational cartoons) is appropriate, in your opinion?

*How do you get your "sanity time" (if you feel like you need it)?

Thanks! Thanks for reading and letting me get all that out. This is my first chance at the computer in a long time! Hope to blog more regularly soon. :)

The Why and The How

2011-05-10T19:07:00.003-05:00

I have been challenged lately by this ever growing thought: God is more concerned about why and how I do what I do, than simply what I do. There has got to be a clearer way to say that, but it's the best I can do after a long day!

Within obedience, within the realm of the priorities and callings, within the confines of the things He has put in our path or clearly is asking us to do right now, He is asking for more. And it's all for our good, a more abundant life, that He is doing so. He is saying, "Okay. Now You see I have put you there...in that family, in that marriage, with those kids, in that job, with that special circumstance. You're surrendered to Me, and I appreciate that. Now onto Phase Two. The "what" is answered; make sure you know the "why" (because you'll be blessed if you know, it gives it all a whole new meaning, even if the answer is just because He said so!) and make sure you pay attention to the "how" (again, you'll be blessed.)

Parenting. I'm not allowed to just do it. I have to let the Holy Spirit in me, the fragrance of Christ, lead my words, tones, actions. Gee whiz. I don't have that kind of patience and calm...but He does, and if I am dwelling with Him, in tune with Him, it will be there in reserve when I need it. Being a housewife. Making a CD. Praying for others. Caring about family, friends, and others around the world. He'll lead the way in regard to "what" I do...I used to care so much about the "what" that I would have given up a relationship with Him for a roadmap! Thank God He didn't allow that option.

My prayer and my challenge is: I want my heart and life to be honestly communing with Him in a way that will make the motives and actions and attitudes of my life all work together for His good pleasure. I long to see what it would look like for me to fully dwell, alive and awake, to His existence in me all the time. Only because of the blood, only because of the Spirit, only because of the fellowship of the Body of Christ is it possible, but it is possible. I think we trade a lot of things in for this. We swap this particular focus out for busyness and running around doing what someone told us we should be doing without ever knowing if it's what He said to do. And even if it is what He said to do, again, it is so easy to forget all about how we conduct ourselves while doing it.

Something Screwy

2011-05-06T09:36:00.003-05:00

I am one of those kids who grew up going to church, reading my Bible at home, and learning how to have a "quiet time". My youth minister taught us how to spend time with God by ourselves, worshipping, confessing, learning, listening. I have always been a "journaler"; I have dozens of them in a box somewhere. But somewhere along the way, as much as these times with God truly meant to me, if I was too busy or if it sounded boring to go hang out with God or if I just wasn't in the mood to dive into anything serious or deep, I felt guilty. The part of me that likes sticker charts would get in high gear and I would try to make this spiritual discipline as disciplined as counting calories. My day was good (i.e. God was happy with me) if I had made that time for Him. Among other misconceptions of what God wanted from me, this was at the top of the list.

Then I heard someone say once, "We don't have to have time with God; we get to have time with God." That started a change in my perspective. Then one time later someone said to me, "You do realize that the Holy Spirit who lives in you is the equivalent of the man Jesus, right?" Yes, I knew...but did I? One of my spiritual mentors gave me a book or two by Madame Jeanne Guyon. It was specifically written for beginners in the Lord, and let me tell you it was right on my level if not higher. Again, I was learning about the constancy of this relationship that I had thought was already "so close".

And somewhere along the way it began to happen. I began to realize that none of this was sticker chart material at all. The Living God, as Jesus promised upon His ascension into Heaven, through the Holy Spirit, makes it so that I dwell with Him at all times. He will be as thick in my atmosphere as I will acknowledge that He already is. I need to meet with Him, to settle down and listen, to deeply drink and eat of His Word, to confess and intercede, to worship...He wants me and I want Him...but there is no set way it has to be done. It's just a constant turning of our hearts and minds.

He will be as thick in my atmosphere as I will acknowledge that He already is. What's screwy is that the enemy has planted the lie in some of us that God wants our work and performance more than just the simplicity of our awareness and appreciation that He is dwelling with us. When that awareness and appreciation happens, everything changes. Stickers no longer necessary.

What I've Been Up To

2011-04-23T19:13:00.002-05:00

Gee whiz, it really has been a long time since my last blog. Thanks to an iPhone I've been borrowing (but not for much longer), I've been able to keep up with Facebook and Email...but I just cannot type on that thing for my typically long blogs. So, what has been going on? I'll tell you what I've been doing the past couple of months, but I promise it isn't anything exciting.

In March, I was pretty much convinced that winter was over and spring was coming in such a nice and concise way...December, January, and February it snowed like crazy just as it should in a picture perfect winter, and then voila, March came with some very nice temperatures and even the lovely allergies started up. I remember specifically thinking, "Wow, that was a nice winter, and it didn't drag on!" But it was a major "sike". Today, now at the end of April, I did put away our coats and mittens, so that was exciting! And only 5 weeks left of school. Surely it'll be warm by then.

Also, in March, for some reason or another, I had a horrible time sleeping, which led to intensified symptoms of my sleep disorder and adrenal fatigue. Not cool. That's partly why I both did not blog and can't recall much of what happened the past 8 weeks! I remember Selah having her tonsils out (that's when the sleep deprivation began!). I remember Spring Break, and our simple little Staycation which included the Zoo, Snappy Tomato, the Movies, Krispy Kreme, and lots of fun play days. Also, sometime around Spring Break I was bitten by the "Homeschooling Excitement Bug" and have been praying and researching that idea ever since. I am out of my mind, but I've also been bit by the "want to adopt another little girl" bug, but I doubt that one is going to work out quite as well.

Unfortunately, last week we had a little...issue. Yemi stuck a little fabric rose up her cute little nose, and it took 3 days and 3 doctors to get it out. The saga ended with, no kidding, the whole staff at Wolf and Yun singing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" to Yemi to keep her calm during the procedure. I truly hope this child has learned her lesson! I hope this phase with her ends soon, I have to say. She is so unpredictable and mischievious. Funny, but a little scary, too. I have decided that for the next month we are keeping to a really calm and regular schedule, no weekends with grandmas or special things. Sometimes we love giving our kids special surprises a little too much...I see them getting a little grabby and I don't like it. So, I started a sticker chart to help reinforce good behavior and it is making a big difference already.

Jack will start a new job in about a week. I hope it will be a good fit. We are loving Open House, our church that was planted by the Bridge Community. We meet on Saturday nights and it is extremely laid back, both very important for me and my fam. Even though I'm not doing much with music right now, it's a comfortable enough setting that I love leading worship there sometimes. I hadn't done that in YEARS. I love how deep the discussions go, too; no fluff here. Definitely let me know if you'd like to check it out.

Well, sorry I didn't have anything very deep to write about. I actually DO, my heart is so full of all God is teaching and how He is moving in me and my home!!! Good Friday was very meaningful (the storms and darkness only added to my thoughts all day), today's home worship time was amazing, and tomorrow...my favorite day of the year...I pray for more depth of understanding how Jesus' resurrection should absolutely breathe new life, joy, and hope into every moment of my day, every day.

Quilts On Sale Now Through End of May!

2011-03-28T18:23:00.003-05:00

Super Spring Sale!

These are just a few of the quilts we are selling for New Hope for Cambodian Children. This ministry helps HIV+ widows by giving them employment (quilt making is part of that project), ARV medications, healthy meals, and education for their children. Right now, we are taking the price of large quilts down from $100 to $70, and the price of the baby quilts will go from $50 to $35. Free Shipping. These make meaningful and literally life giving Mother's Day and Baby Shower Gifts. Each quilt comes with information about the ministry and the quilter herself. To see ALL the quilts, click on my facebook album link:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=404180&id=639925320&l=5c792ecbba

Please please please contact me if you are interested or have questions about a quilt. You can email me at lyndsaytaylor@mac.com, find me on Facebook, or respond to this blog. Thank you!

Some Girls

2011-03-26T11:04:00.002-05:00

"She thinks she is never enough.

Even if she looked at her accomplishments, relationships, experiences, the love she has given and received, things she has created, thoughts and songs and lessons she has put out into the world, and the places she has lived and learned...she would still feel it is not enough.

What would it take for her to feel like a "real" anything? A real writer, a real missionary, a real musician, a real you fill in the blank.

I know the secret.

How can she be the most thriving and alive woman she can be? How can she live life in this confusing world to the fullest?

She should not look for herself or look at herself or try to get others to look either. What matters about her is one thing. One identity alone defines and illuminates her for all time. Other identities are a shadow in comparison, only one is vital...

She is accepted in the Beloved. She is known, deeply, by the Lord. She is on a journey down that aisle to the One who loved her even unto death, Jesus. She can go as deep and as far into this relationship as she dares to go, but she cannot have two masters. She cannot serve the world and all it wants her to be if she is going to pursue Him. She can't care about both, not in her heart of hearts which reflects in her daily life, thoughts, desires, and actions.

She thinks she is never enough, but she chose to not be. She glories in the choice she made, to let go of the pursuits that promised to satisfy her hunger. It is simple and it is not applauded, but she will be ready on that Day."

March 26th, How I Feel Today

2011-03-22T11:53:00.003-05:00

Wow, it has been a WEEK. A week that felt like a month!

The Lord has really sustained me as I have lost a lot of sleep the past 2 weeks during Selah's surgery/recovery and Jack being out of town. Several times, I have definitely felt low. But several prayer times, several conversations, and several just sweet moments have literally lifted me back to my feet again. I don't know exactly what my motivation is in writing this blog today, but I want to share my health situation with anyone reading. So many times I've just known this basic fact: Because I look well when people see me, they really don't know what is going on most of the time. There is NO ONE breathing down my neck about it, and I don't feel like there is, but I just want people to know...yet I don't want to bring it up and talk about it all the time either.

So here's the deal. For ten years, since living in Africa (after some major sicknesses/surgery there), I have been living "half-mast". I cannot keep a full time job; I cannot even keep a part time job. I'm so thankful that I don't have to, and that I can focus on my family, health, and walk with God because when you have to conserve energy, you learn to do first things first. You really learn to prioritize. My symptoms and energy level are off and on. Sometimes I feel too bad to do anything for a few hours a day and then feel good a few hours in that same day. It was great to find out (after 9 years of no information) that I have "Chronic Adrenal Fatigue" or hypoadrenia; also, I've known for about 8 years that I have a sleep disorder "ideopathic Hypersomnia".

In understanding these disorders, it has been a relief to know I'm not crazy or the first one to have this exact set of symptoms (which is basically just exhaustion and needing 12 solid hours of sleep every night to feel well). If you want to know how I feel, just think back to a time when you pulled an "all-nighter" or were jet lagged. You couldn't think straight, had a headache or maybe stomach yuckiness because of the sleep deprivation, didn't feel like doing anything but putting your head face down in a pillow. If you've ever done this for days at a time, you start to also feel jittery and your immune and nervous systems plummet and you're scared to even drive a car because you really don't know if you're "with it" enough. Okay. That's how I feel. That's why for the past 2 years, I have learned to just say no to pretty much everything I've been asked to do, especially if it was in the morning.

Good news though, it was awesome to find out what I could do about the adrenal fatigue. I'm one year into treatment. I am definitely better, as long as I do everything in the book. Sometimes though, no matter how I eat, or what supplements I take, or how I have improved a myriad of things in my lifestyle, I still feel this way. The sleep disorder I cannot do anything else about, but pray. Right now I feel like the sleep disorder is the real problem and I'm considering going back for another sleep test. I take natural supplements and thankfully am off all prescriptions; but even though I sleep well, I still need 12 hours a night. I have slept 10-14 hours almost every night for a year, and it's not "working itself out." I'm not catching up.

Lately, I admit, I have felt a real despair about this. I was content and had adjusted my life around my bedtime, wake up time, nap time..just very, very limited, very structured, no room for anything or anyone else because I had to do these things for myself. But I guess I started to feel frustrated that I was in my bed 14 hours a day! I wanted to be able to meet with some girls who were looking for a mentor, I wanted to be able to sing again, I wanted to get out and do normal things like take my daughter to school in the morning. And maybe I can do some of those things, but it's so hard to work around these disorders!!! Ultimately I've learned the happy truth that my life is GOD'S life and He can do whatever He wants with it. I genuinely mean that. If my life is for Him, then I won't be worried if I can't do everything I want to do...I can trust if He wanted me to do it, He'd provide what I need. If He wants me to exist on a better level than this, He will bring me through a healing process. And that is what I am asking for, that's what I've been asking for for 10 years.

Sometimes it is very frustrating for someone to say, "Jesus healed everyone He met, so it is always His will to heal." I agree that He loves to heal, but I know that He has been molding me during this time--honestly everything I have learned, great decisions/priorities I have chosen in the past few years, changes in my character--none of that would have happened without this sickness. It had purpose, and maybe it has more purpose. (If it has no more purpose, oh sweet Jesus, either heal me or bring me Home!) I like the idea that God wants us all fully functioning at our highest and happiest level, fully alive, just achieving like crazy for His Name. But I don't know. Here's what I do know: We are here to be transformed, to be made ready for the Wedding Day when Jesus gets His Bride, the Church. We're getting ready to meet Him face to face, that's what every minute of every day of our lives is about, whether we want it to be about that or not. In sickness or in health, whatever He chooses for me, I know I am going through the exact process He wants me in for His glory and for our eternity together.

I am filled with hope just in writing the end of this blog! I hope it encourages you in whatever trials God has chosen for your life. I wrote a blog in the past about suffering so I won't re-write, but there are different sources of those trials and it's important to decipher in order to not stay in an unnecessary wilderness. But if you are walking with God, remember He will raise a path in your wilderness, regardless of what it looks like in the flesh, we are alive in the Spirit! Thanks for letting me share, and for your understanding through the years. Hopefully this blog helped you understand a little more. :)

Raising A Generation...

2011-03-14T19:23:00.002-05:00

I have been wanting to write on this topic for awhile, and tonight I feel like I might have the words to say.

Tonight, I went to a worship and prayer service, and on the very front row were two little girls. I had seen them at church before, and I know they are children in the foster care system. They are about 3 and 4 years old, and they've been staying with a particular couple off and on for months. Those little girls were completely worshipping the Lord. No adult was helping them or telling them what to do, but they were looking up to the Lord, singing, arms raised. One of them was holding a baby with one arm, while the other was raised up in praise. For over an hour. It was a beautiful sight. One day, sooner or later, these girls will go back to their home, and they will take something new with them. Something more than clothes and education and a few fun memories of a stable family life. Even at this young age, especially at this young age, they can start their story with Jesus.

And I am so challenged. I know we don't get to choose the ministry we commit our lives or a season of our lives to; I have learned that lesson, and want to make it clear that we don't go out and help someone out of compulsion. We don't just jump on board a good idea; we serve with the strength God provides and He provides a different kind of strength, a different avenue of obedience for each of us. But for many of us, I wonder if the Lord wants to heal a broken system (the family) using the Church, and I wonder if that is part of us showing the world what His Kingdom looks like, and lastly I wonder if possibly we haven't even ASKED Him if there is another way He would want to build our families...

Many of us have this great hope, this beautiful picture, of our little sons and daughters, and we value our job of raising them in the admonition of the Lord. We want to raise them to be compassionate, generous, even sacrificial. We want to teach them how to hear the Lord and know Him well. Perhaps, and I do genuinely mean perhaps because I do not know, perhaps He is calling us to do this great job of raising children in the Lord, but not necessarily biological children. This is hard, but truth: We aren't entitled to children. As bondservants of the Lord Jesus, our money, home, decisions, even our bodies, are for Him, not for us. So just as every other part of our life, we don't have this innate right to ourselves and to our wants. Just because we have the ability to have a bunch of kids, I'm not sure that necessarily means that is what the Lord is calling us to do, for His glory and His ultimate purpose. (It might be though! For sure, it is between a couple and the Lord!) My point is that we must surrender it to Him; we must make sure we are not holding this picture perfect idea of "Our Family" an arms length away from Him. Honestly, learning this lesson is pretty vital for survival whether you "build your family outside the box" or not. Our kids will disappoint us sometimes and we will suffer deeply if we are not holding them loosely, knowing our God-given role of raising them as an act of obedience regardless of the outcome.

I personally get afraid of getting in over my head. I have done some radical and sacrificial things in my life, and I feel sometimes like I've suffered for it instead of being blessed. But I did what I believed God was saying to do, personally to me, and regardless of my suffering, I believe He was blessed and honored by my faith. He says we are blessed if we suffer for doing good. I don't think in the end we will ever truly be sorry for giving, loving, and suffering when it is a direct consequence of personal obedience, even if in the flesh it looks like it wasn't a good idea.

Fostering and adopting absolutely means opening your front door to suffering. But have you ever asked God to take you some place where you can help others in need? Have you ever felt the desire to serve somewhere difficult, knowing that is where people need Jesus the most? You probably thought it would be a short term thing, right? Maybe it will be. But maybe not! Maybe He is giving the Church the grace and wisdom to claim for Him the next generation, through the gentleness of a mother and the patient direction of a father who loves the Lord. It may be a little more than we were planning to offer Him, to be honest. But I am challenged to offer Him my heart, my parenting, my years of child-rearing...my picture perfect Family.

Selah's Tonsillectomy and Adenoidectomy

2011-03-12T15:25:00.004-06:00

We are on the third day of Selah's recovery--and I've had way more ice cream that I intended.

On Thursday morning, we barely heard our alarm clocks wake us up at 5:06 a.m. and we were in the car by 5:15. I actually had slept in my clothes, jewelry, everything but my shoes, the night before. Yeah, mornings are not my forte. Selah was in a great mood. She is such an adventurous and positive person. The surgery center got us registered quickly and back in pre-op quickly as well. They gave her "silly juice", which tasted bad, and about 20 minutes later she started to get a little tired. I thought it would be awful when they wheeled her back to surgery but it wasn't. She told me today she remembers that they put warm blankets on her and had her blow into a mask, then she went to sleep. (The silly juice is supposed to take away their memory of the whole thing, but obviously it didn't work.)

30 minutes later, the surgeon came to the waiting room to tell us everything went great and she was waking up in recovery. We went back there and stayed for about an hour and a half. Selah was upset and shivering, but I could tell she just wasn't awake fully and her throat was dry. They put her on my lap in a recliner, she drank some juice, had a bit of a popsicle, and they put some medicine in her IV, which put her to sleep almost comically fast.

When she woke up, she was better, and we basically dressed her and put her in the car. She slept all the way home, and I held her juice in my hand the whole time so that she could sip whenever she needed it. The most important things I would tell any parents are: Never hold off on a dose of painkillers (don't wait for them to need it), it's fine to give Motrin 2 hours after every dose of painkillers, and dehydration is the biggest concern. They need at least 3 oz of liquid per hour, so if they sleep a few hours, they need about 9 oz to make up for it when they wake up.

Once we got home, this little girl was ready to watch Hannah Montana and eat popsicles, which she did all day. That night Jack and I both got up every four hours to give her meds and get her to drink juice. On Friday, she had another good day, but some tummy troubles. (I am wondering if it was the ice cream because today, Saturday, her stomach has been fine and she didn't ask for any ice cream.) Today, she slept late and is still in bed watching shows. She's enjoyed having a few visitors and getting some cards, flowers, and Princess-y crafts to do. I have truly enjoyed having mommy-daughter sleep-over time together. I happen to love watching Hannah Montana and snuggling in bed, and I don't mind running upstairs for soup and popsicles every half hour either. :)

It Is March

2011-03-06T10:33:00.002-06:00

Wow. I just need a second to let it in sink in. It is March. I have a lot of things I could blog about but today I just want to start off the week catching folks up with my life! Maybe it will ensure my clarity about it as well, that's always nice. ;) ---------------------------------------- First of all: God is good and I am enjoying this place of simple trust. Something wonderful happens when you truly believe that there are no problems between people, only problems between people and God (Martha Kilpatrick says this). Nothing can come to us outside of His allowance, so our issue needs to be taken up with Him, and He is more than willing to go there with us. I am learning more about carrying the cross with Him, learning about not loving my own life (and what I wanted out of life), and honestly, the big picture of why I'm here. ---------------------------------------- Secondly: My health has been rough, and I'm still praying for healing as well as trying to stay on track to do the things that make me healthy. I found out about a new little treatment and going for it this week; I feel hopeful. Getting back off sugar is important, too, but I struggle with that because after a couple of weeks I usually start to think, "Why am I doing this? Moderation is okay.." But for someone with adrenal fatigue, sugar is the devil, and do we allow the devil in moderation? No. ---------------------------------------- Thirdly: My family is so precious. They are loud and crazy, but we are in love. I feel a special calling to my husband right now, and so thankful for this chance to believe God with him. He is leaving his current employment and I am excited about what the future holds, but even more excited that God is reaching to him and drawing him close. That is my only true concern and prayer. Yemi is talking. A LOT. She has gone from saying, "Hold you" and "Rock me" to things like: "I want to go home, cuddle with daddy, and watch Dora." She says, "I want to rock and read Hop on Pop." In the morning, she says, "I want a jelly butter", which means a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (for breakfast!). She saw Jack's Bible laying out and she said, "I want to read Bible!" (I didn't know she knew the difference between a Bible and other books.) Selah is doing so well in Kindergarten! She is well-loved, articulate, and excelling in reading, math, and overall kindness and love. She told me that when you are a Christian, "God gives you the energy to love." It is obvious in her life. She is a unique little child of God, and I feel honored to be the mommy of these girls! She is having her tonsils and adenoids out on Thursday and I can tell she is really nervous about it. Pray for us if you think of it. ---------------------------------------- On the outskirts of my life: We are a part of Open House, which is a gathering of believers on Saturday night here in E-town. We love it and are thankful for it. We have always (since I was a kid) journeyed in community on this path with Jesus, and love the people we are journeying with in this season. I led worship there one week and enjoyed that. I am making another CD with some friends, and am excited about the new songs. My hope is to do about 15 concerts, mainly in homes, in 2011. I am planning to start a Nutrition Support Group, where others who desire to be serious about this can come, learn, and keep each other strong. I am still selling quilts for a ministry to widows with HIV in Cambodia and have a new idea that may possibly help get those sold... ---------------------------------------- Spring is around the corner. The Lord's return is, too. Let us be found burning, a strong flame for the right things. The Lord will tell you personally what the right things are for you. Above all, first and last, will be your intimate relationship with Him. Everything else, literally everything else, is temporary and not worthy of our everything.

A Conversation

2011-03-01T18:39:00.003-06:00

You can think I'm crazy when I say I have conversations with God, or you can believe me because you do, too. Either way is perfectly acceptable. Last night, I was honored to gather my super-talented friends around to start practicing for my next CD, and it is just completely taking me by surprise! We had a great time, worked through about five songs, and everyone was just incredible...but afterwards I told Jack, "It feels so weird to be doing this. I know God is making it happen, I just can't understand why." ---------------------------- So I was about to go to bed, and the Lord said, "Why does it feel so weird that I am making this CD come together?" After thinking a lot about it, I thought, "I guess because You have taken away everything that was all about me, my identity and reputation and anything that I thought I was or could do..." And He so quickly replied, "Don't worry, this CD is not about you either." He's not doing anything different or new...no, this is just a continuation. Now I will learn how to stay empty of my identity, reputation, and ability in the midst of "doing" things again that are a little more public. --------------------------- Not that I am ready, but I see how for the past few years God couldn't allow me to do anything that felt like it was special, or an accomplishment, even a conversation with someone where I walked away feeling like I had helped them, because I still put too much priority on "doing things for Him." He rescued me from that mentality and lifestyle. I thought to go back to "doing" anything (what we might think of as ministry or something with our name on it) would be returning to that shallow existence. My life is hidden in Christ though now, and there are no words to describe what that feels like, what that IS like. It's amazing to be gloriously oblivious to success or failure because that is not my race. My race is to know Him, and I have no energy for any other! So I feel like I can enjoy this CD process, as long as it doesn't get out of balance with my time with the Lord and my family and my health (which is so difficult right now again!) Can't wait to share more about it, and let my little songs get out to someone who might be pointed to Jesus through them!

Hope

2011-02-27T20:00:00.004-06:00

Now that I am a "weekend blogger", I think of things all week that I'd like to process here, but then when I sit down, I think, "What were those things?" So, regardless of what I may have been thinking about all week long, right now I am thinking about HOPE.
------------------------- Sara Groves has a song I love, not sure of the title, but the chorus goes like this: "Hope has a way of turning its face to you just when you least expect it. You walk in a room and look out a window and something there leaves you breathless. You say to yourself it's been a while since I felt this, but it feels like it might be hope."
------------------------- This song came on the other day when I was praying for someone I love, someone who needs to walk in a room and look out a window and see something that leaves them breathless. We all have to have hope, we have to. The enemy suggests to us that if we hope, we will just be disappointed, and we don't want to go through that pain again, right? But we can't stop there or we'll just become so cold. Our hope can't be in a plan or an idea or in any one thing, noble or not, that we think we must have or have happen; our hope must be in something, Someone, much more worthy of our hope. When we have lost hope in the Lord, as stark as it may sound, it is because we have expected Him to be something that He is not (or has not chosen to show about Himself YET if we are biblically sound in our hopes.)
---------------------------------- There are several statements I could make that describe what I think this time on earth is all about, and those beliefs get me through. One of those statements is: We are here to be given chances to believe, to hope, to grow a mature and simple faith through the difficulties of this short life. If our offering to the Lord is faith, and we know biblically that it is, then every crappy thing that comes our way can be seen as an opportunity to respond in blind, ridiculous, happy hope. Hope in getting a great job or getting perfectly healed or having no problems with our children? No. Hope in the Lord, His Word, His intrinsic goodness, and His personal love for us.
---------------------------------- I want to die a foolish person of hope, hanging on with a grin to this idea I have of Jesus: that He is waiting for me with open arms and there is nothing, not cancer, not bankruptcy, not any worst case scenario to be imagined, that can change that fact. Our family is and has been facing suffering; there are so many questions, but I am helped by Lamentations 3...
"When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions. Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return." Lamentations 3 (The Message)

1 Corinthians 3

2011-02-18T21:50:00.005-06:00

It is so cool how meditating on a passage of Scripture for a long time really does bring new life and understanding. I used to think "a long time" was like...um...five minutes? I have always been a "quantity" reader of the Word (so sad), but that comes from my student mentality probably. Check things off the list, get a star on your chart, etc. That was me.

But not too awful long ago, as the Lord has changed me from the inside out, one of the new things that has happened is I am reading the same thing over and over and just honestly telling God that I have no clue what He meant by what He said. And not moving on, just hanging in there for a while, knowing I won't get it unless He helps me. And like a month later, I'll be folding clothes or driving down the road and the Lord will direct my mind to an understanding, an unfolding, of something in that passage I had never noticed or "gotten" before. How neat. Thanks God.

Well, for about 3 weeks I have been reading 1 Corinthians Chapter 3, and honestly it was just because I was supposed to offer a tiny little insight on it at church (Open House). So...the main points of it are that the foundation of our faith is Jesus, the wisdom of the world is foolishness to God, and leaders of the church are all equal so don't worry too much about who you follow, they are just all building on the foundation of Christ. What is crying out to me about this passage is: humility! I have tried so many times to impress God and be a model "student" for Him, you know? I remember one time not long ago, I said (in my true desire for holiness, but still thinking I could somewhat attain to it on my own), "God, I want to be transformed to be like Jesus!!" And He spoke so clearly. He said, "No, you don't. You want to be independent of Me."

That was so eye-opening. He knew in my heart of hearts I wanted to be perfect and holy so that I wouldn't need to be dependent on Him. I wanted that power and ability, and He is looking for humility instead--people who know they have no good in them without absolute dependency on His grace and relationship. The foundation of our faith is Jesus, grace, the blood, the cross; we can't escape it. It is foolishness in the world's eyes, it takes humility to believe it, but that doesn't make it any less true. As I was thinking about this passage, the Lord also brought to mind how vital it is for leaders in the church to remember this foundation...are we used to thinking we have to look strong? Have we forgotten the weakness that God uses to shame the strong? Why are we often drawn to thinking success in church/ministry should look like success in the world/business?

There is a lot more that I am learning from this passage, but I need to go to bed...I don't even know if any of this made sense, as Jack had the TV on and is coughing really loud and driving me CRAZY! LOL:) But, I just wanted to write. Good night, friends! Have a wonderful weekend!

Hi Friends!

2011-02-17T18:58:00.002-06:00

Well, we had a nice little "psych" from Spring yesterday, didn't we? I had a funny response to it. As thrilled as I was to go outside without socks or a coat on, I thought to myself, "wow, I haven't even made a couple of those soup recipes yet and it's already getting warm!" Not that I was complaining...I just have to admit that thought ran through my mind. The sunshine was good for my soul, and then of course it was pretty much a normal blustery winter again today. It has been a very, um, interesting month and a half since Christmas. It feels like a year and a half since Christmas to me. Everyone in my family has been sick twice, and I've been the healthiest one of all as opposed to several winters past. Yay for good nutrition, supplements, and getting as much rest as humanly (and motherly) possible.
I have missed writing, blogging, etc, but at the same time it has sort of been nice to not have a computer and not feel responsible to do the things one does when they have a computer at their constant disposal (that can't be the right word...disposal? That makes no sense. I don't know.) Anyway, I have felt more focused at times without Facebook and blogging available to me; yet it is a balance, an important balance, because all work and no play makes Jack's wife a dull girl.
My mind has been on a lot of things in the past 2 months while I haven't been sharing much out loud. I am embracing my calling as wife and mom in a deeper way, and relying 100% on the Lord for what I need to do that. I am sitting in a place where I can receive grace (meaning, I really know I need it). I am literally reveling in the Lord and smiling at the way He sees more, which leads to more worship, more intimacy, more strength, more joy. I can tell people are praying seriously for me, and I am so grateful. I'm seeing the Lord open a couple of doors for me to sing again, and the best part is, I know I can completely be myself and offer what small gift I have to offer and not look back wondering if I was good enough or deep enough or not too whatever. I had felt free in the past, but somehow in my serious issues with church/ministry I had lost that freedom. I am free again because the Lord is teaching me how unimportant I truly am in the whole thing...What a concept. It's wonderful. I really can "just be."
Hope to be back again to blog soon, because I have a couple things to write about...but we'll see! Blessings-

Nutrition Group!?!

2011-02-01T18:10:00.020-06:00

I am really excited about an idea...

And it feels do-able...

So here's the details:

Over the past couple of years, I have come across a good bit of pretty life-changing information about food. When you have kids, you typically start looking into the health of what they're eating (since they eat so much and so often!), plus I wanted to lose weight, plus I was dealing with fatigue, insomnia, and just illness in general. As stones were turned over and I put things in practice, I began to see long term change in each of these areas. Now, the real issue is do I follow all the good advice and do all I should now that I know what I know? Unfortunately, I can't always say I do...but when I do, I absolutely see results and I know that if I can see results on the outside, then there are definitely results on the inside. (Plus, blood tests have proved it anyway.)

So, what I want to do is start a nutrition class/support group, and share what I have learned (and am still learning!) I want to cover what to eat, what not to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, and the biggest thing: the why behind it all. I want to talk about issues like good fats that you need to cook with/eat vs. ingredients that you should really never put in your body. I'd also like to talk about weight loss stuff (I'm always drawn to this topic because it's always been an issue for me) and using food, supplements, and natural medicine to deal with many illnesses that especially women deal with. After the "teaching" time is done, (maybe four sessions) we could continue to see each other once a month just for support. I could personally use that. It is hard to stay on the straight and narrow!!!

I do sometimes wonder if everyone else already knows this information and I was the slow one...If that is the case, we can at least be a support group for each other even if no one learns anything new!

If you read this blog and are interested in joining the group, respond by answering some of these questions:

*Would you rather come to a one-time seminar or 4 meetings (once a week for a month)?

*Would you be interested in continuing as a support group for a few months after the teaching?

*Would you want to come mornings or evenings?

*Would you like to be notified when I write a nutrition blog?

Thanks! I really believe there is a lot of unnecessary suffering--sometimes even in things as serious as insomnia, depression, fatigue, diabetes, obesity--due to lack of knowledge. I have SO much to learn and what I have learned, I want to share!

Let the Sun Shine!!

2011-01-30T17:17:00.003-06:00

I was so thrilled to have some sunshine these past few days. That, a extra couple of hours of sleep last night, and a good talk with the Lord, have finally brought some hope to my shriveled up little soul! I feel like I can finally write again and possibly have something to say. My goodness, it has been a rough month for me. I had hoped to sort of encourage myself and others through the winter, and I've failed pretty miserably. I have been tired and grumpy, trying to do things that make for good health, but not seeing many results, and then other times not exactly "deserving" any results at all. I don't have a computer to write/blog on, I don't have a place to even put my pictures to use online, and I was hoping for those outlets this particular season...but it was not meant to be. And that's okay. Lots of things break and fail, and the more I live, the more I see how incapable I am to do even the smallest things I set out to do.

Could this story end well? Surprisingly, it does! Wow, it really does. Until you've been in this place, it will all sound ridiculous...so there's the warning. But honestly, yesterday I was just crying out to the Lord, telling Him how impossible it was for me to handle all this, how I keep trying to change and rise up but I can't. And I felt that He was saying to accept myself as I was, really look at the truth for a moment. Before I could argue and say, "What good will that do? When I feel and act like this, I'm not acceptable, Lord, so I can't..." He was saying, "You have to accept who you are before My help comes, in order to receive My help." I think it's called humility.

I had to admit who I am without Him. I had to dwell there and really look at it. Then I could truly know there is no hope for me on my own, and could ask with the correct perspective for Him to come in and do what only He could do. I had to believe that only He could do it, not me even on my best day. See, I was depending on myself to have enough good days-mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually-to live a good life for the Lord...to do the daily things that make me feel like I am living a good life for the Lord anyway. Hilarious! We certainly can't depend on such an unsteady thing. I asked and He answered, and we're just going to have to go through this a million more times until I get it. There is a fine line between trying to live in discipline and victory and obedience, and just plain self-righteousness. I don't get the distinction. I mean, I obviously know there is a distinction, but I certainly have a hard time along the course of my week knowing which I am living in. It has everything to do with remembering what I understood to be true last night: If I am doing poorly, Jesus is my only hope to rise up and have joy and life again. I must come to Him and ask and wait. If I am doing well, it had absolutely nothing to do with me and my abilities...Jesus is being merciful. Oh, be merciful again!

I wrote a song this week; here's the first verse...

"Seems like I'm doing fine except when I'm not

I'm sure as I can be and then I can't be sure at all

I can do anything except when I can't

and when I can't remember why, oh when I can't remember why,

when I can't remember why I should still try to try,

stay by my side."

Snow Days

2011-01-23T19:06:00.003-06:00

Well, I'm sure it didn't matter to anyone else, but I am bummed that I am not able to do my idea of writing everyday about winter! The past week I had no access to the computer but honestly, I was having a hard time being positive about winter as well! Just tired and stuff. Also, I am taking these beautiful pictures but can't put them on my computer/blogs for awhile, so that sort of detracts from the fun of it. BUT...here I am today, and I will tell you I have missed writing. I need to write. For an introvert, it's just the perfect form of communication.

So I guess my encouragement about winter today came from Jack. We have had about 4 snow days in the past 2 weeks, if I'm remembering correctly (which I may not be, to be honest, it's been that kind of a week!) Selah mentioned that she didn't get > go out and play in the snow several of those days, because "my mommy hates the cold!" Jack overheard her telling someone this, and he got sad because he loves going out there with her, but was working long hours those particular days.

So yesterday, they spent hours out there together. I don't know what they do or how they stand it, but they had a wonderful time and Jack told me today, "It broke my heart to miss going out there to play with her. Snows don't come that often, and I only have about ten good years with her where she is really going to want to go out there with me. I can do stuff like work anytime, but that's special." I love him. Being so deep and constant in the midst of this thing called a home life sometimes takes away my gratitude and awe for a while.

I have had a rough week but after this conversation, I felt different. Selah is only five, but she's so much more mature than I expected at this age. I really value her company, even if she does toot on me and whine (loudly) when I get on the phone. I love the smell of her hair and the way her eyes look when she first gets up in the morning. And Yemi...oh Yemi. She is 2 1/2 going on 1. She's hilarious, and while she's a handful that I need a break from sometimes, that child is so unique and beautiful, and learning all kinds of sweet things from her sis. Today Selah hurt her toe and Yemi got on the floor and kissed it for her!

I love my life. I need help to not slip into certain problems in this life, like boredom (not like I don't have enough to do, just sick of it) and seclusion (out of necessity due to sickness or snow or tired kids) and even depression (when I cannot seem to remember why I'm doing what I'm doing, when I can't remember HOW to do it with energy and joy).

So, enjoy the snow days...enjoy the hot chocolate...enjoy the 17 layers of clothes laid out to dry by your front door. We only have about 10 good years of it. And if you think that's a long time, you're a lot younger than me!!!

What a Day

2011-01-20T17:47:00.002-06:00

"Do not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up!" Sorry to not have the reference to this scripture...it is downstairs in my room and I am up here, and after I tell you about my day, you will understand why that feels like such a long journey.

I have put in an honest day's work today, like every one of you good mommas (and definitely daddies, too) out there. I feel like I put in several days in one today...

So let me tell you about my honest day's work. Since I haven't gotten to facebook lately, I will write it out in facebook status mode:

6 a.m. Thank you, Nannette, for waking me up to let me know Selah will be home today to drive me crazy, er, I mean, to play with.

6:30 a.m. Still awake. Thank you again, Nannette.

7 a.m. Sort of asleep again!

7:55 a.m. Thank you, Mother, for waking me up to let me know you're not coming today to help keep me sane, er, I mean, help with the kids.

8:45 a.m. Still awake. Thank you again, Mother!

10 a.m. Worked out while the kids watch Sesame Street. Got new 10 lb handweights. Roar!

10:30 a.m. Stopped in the middle to clean Yemi's potty and get jelly beans (for her). Yay Yemi!

10:55 a.m. Stopped again to clean Yemi's potty and get jelly beans for her and Selah this time.

12 Made up a new game with Yemi...When she throws her veggie on the floor, she has to eat an extra one. Who wins this game? ME!

1:00 One minute, I'm cleaning the bathroom because company is coming over, and the next, I'm scooping poop out of the bathtub because Yemi...yeah. She did. Oh my gosh. So gross.

1:10 Put Yemi back in the tub and she looks up at me and says so sweetly, "Thank You, Momma." She didn't think she'd get to go back in.

1:30 Stepped both bare feet into Yemi's puddle in her bedroom. Wonderful.

1:40 Played Uno with Selah.

2:00-4 Talked with the Lord and tried to close my eyes for a while. Sent Selah back upstairs twice.

5 Got the house completely beautiful for company.

5:35 Found out company was not coming because of the snow. Of course.

7 There was one single moment of silence. Just one. It was a healing time for me.

The Solid Rock of Brotherhood

2011-01-17T20:11:00.003-06:00

I am so glad that Jack started off our day today with Martin Luther King, Jr.'s speech (on TV). I just added (on TV) as an afterthought because I had this funny idea that you guys were thinking he woke us up quoting "I Have A Dream". That would have been something!

But anyway, the whole family watched the speech and it was so stirring. I wanted to write a few comments about it, and there's a link as well if you want to watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbUtL_0vAJk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

*As we were watching Dr. King speak, Selah says, "Wow. He is really in love with Jesus!"

*I felt really shocked that it was only 50 years ago that such blatant and ridiculous injustice was practiced (and legal) in our country. What were they thinking? That was not that long ago.

*I liked the part of his speech about "I have a dream that little black boys and little black girls around the country will hold hands with little white boys and little white girls and live as brothers and sisters." It makes me happy to see that in my home, and it makes me happy that my generation is stomping out old beliefs and prejudices that would feel that white people and black people can't make a family together. I was like, "Preach, brother!!"

*Later today I was reminded (by a t-shirt I was wearing actually) that in '63 when MLK made his speech, African-Americans were being oppressed, and in '73 the oppression of the unborn began. Friends, it is the same thing. We are trying to make members of our society invisible, nameless, and voiceless...literally. We must stand for the rights of the unborn. Period.

*Lastly, I was proud of the "whites" who stood with the "blacks" during this time in history. There is something so precious about a safe and accepted person taking up the cause of those in danger, those rejected. It is so beautiful. I can't remember what book I read or who said this, but it's just the idea that "if you can't have freedom, I certainly won't either...I won't enjoy mine, until you have your's." Oh, that is so Jesus. I want to be like that!

I wrote a song a while back called "To the End" and it's going to be on my next CD...if there is a next CD. I want to share the chorus of it, because it is about this very thing. I wrote it during our adoption journey, but I wasn't just talking about adoption at all. I was talking about abortion, modern day slavery, child trafficking, the persecuted church, or even people with cancer. I'm talking about standing for love and justice, with the oppressed, and making it your personal business to intervene in any way the Lord lets you.

"'cause when your morning comes, I wanna have fought for you all night

I wanna see you stare in wonder at the beauty of His might

and when your shouts of freedom echo all across the kingdom

I wanna stand and sing with you...I wanna be there, too...

This is about who we are right now, this is about who we are right now, this is about who we are right now to the end..."

Cold Hands, Warm Heart

2011-01-16T20:30:00.002-06:00

I remember one time my youth minister, Kerry, held my hand during prayer at a Bible Study (we were all holding hands, just fyi!) and he said, "Lyndsay, your hands are so cold, but you know what they say: 'Cold hands, warm heart, you must be in love.'" I was. But that had nothing to do it, and that is the weirdest statement in the free world.

I don't like cold hands, because by now, this far into winter, they're cracked and horrid, especially if I dare to do dishes without gloves...and I don't own gloves, so...

But today Jack darling sent me a cool link, and I shall share it with you, fellow-wanna-be-hibernators!

http://usat.me?42511436

It's Electric, Boogie Woogie...and Abiding in Christ

2011-01-15T21:47:00.006-06:00

So yesterday I couldn't blog, and today when I tried, the internet wasn't working (is this Africa or what, people?), and tonight here I am with Jack's computer on and I am 48 minutes late for bedtime. Needless to say, I'll be writing quick. It's not that I'm bursting with such inspiration about winter, I will tell you that much. It is so freezing cold outside and staticky inside; my skin is dry and I haven't lost the goosebumps long enough to have a chance to shave my legs in...well, TMI.

About winter, I can say this: It is so uncomfortable that it makes the smallest things, for me anyway, so blissful. It's like a big glass of ice water on a 100 degree day in July...just blissful. Well, today I accidentally left my electric blanket on while we were at church and then when I came home, I crawled into bed and...rapture!!! It's the little things, you know?

There really are many things I would like to blog about right now. From big to small, mainly small. I'm feeling a little distant and distracted from my own heart, and it does help me to write about it. It's weird--and I'm saying this so honestly because I think it may be poignant to you as well, maybe--that distance and distraction from myself, from the Lord, from stillness, is a warning. It's an important warning...It's like before I even get myself involved in something that is going to take some of my attention, thoughts, focus, etc, I begin to feel this warning. It's an alarm that says, "If just thinking about this is taking you away from what the Lord told you to be thinking about, then the thing itself is definitely off limits for now."

I realize I'm being vague, but I just am having these thoughts roll around in my mind. It's hard to stay still. I do get ideas of things I want to do. They aren't super important like they would have been to me in the past, but they are cool ideas that I would enjoy and maybe are the Lord's will. And just as a disclaimer, I need to say that they could be, in a different season, exactly what God wants me thinking about and working out the details of. But as this year began, my heart was set on one thing, just rolling over from 2010, I want to learn how to truly dwell with the Lord. I know that doesn't mean sitting literally with my Bible open all day, because He has given me things to take care of; I am learning how dwelling with Him has a lot to do with my heart, soul, mind, and strength...what I care most about deep down, my motives, my desires, what I want in the end, what I put my time, energy, and thoughts into all day, what makes me feel complete or successful. Literally, what am I thinking about all day? What am I trying to figure out or fix or work out? The answer tells me what I love, maybe even what I worship. I want Jesus in this place.

Well, anyway, I just feel a warning and I want to heed it. With the free time of my mind, with the free time of my day (so precious little there is), am I free to do what I want? With my will turned toward Him, regardless of how I feel and the lazy choices I may make, I'm really not free to do what I want IF I want Him in the way I say I want Him. I say about God, "Oh, He doesn't want anything from me. Such relief, such freedom to just be and not have to perform and measure up!" And that is 100% true. Yet it is equally true, oh so unbelievably true, that He wants everything from me!! Not anything...yet everything.

We talked about this at church tonight; it's so hard to put into words, this issue of abiding. John 15 describes it best, of course. But something that struck me as we were talking is that if I had to describe abiding in Christ, like my personal experience with this, I would talk about what had to go and get out of the way first, what space had to be made for Him. He will not abide with sin, we all know that; He will kindly work out those thorns, He will bring light to the darkness and overcome it. But maybe less realized, at least for me it was, is that He will not share space with all our self-focused obsessions, goals, demands of Him, self-consciousness, judgments, materialism, unforgiveness, even dreams sometimes if they are not surrendered (whatever it is we find ourselves longing for and daydreaming about); He won't share mental and emotional space with other lovers, so it begs us to begin clearing out what our mind and heart are set on all of our waking hours. Is there room for Him to abide? Is there room for scripture, or His beauty and characteristics, or Him talking with you or is it very packed with to-do lists, goals you've set for yourself that keep you going, etc? I don't know. It's different for everybody, but one thing I am pretty sure most American Christians have in common is that they aren't careful in the planning of their days, meaning they don't plan their time and energy around making space for the Lord to commune with them. Sickness and kids and a few other things led me to a quieter, smaller life, and when I spend time with women I thought they would think my life was kind of less, kind of pitiful, kind of lazy or defeated even because I'm not "doing" anything besides taking care of me, my family, and knowing Jesus. But instead, I sense that they kind of wish they could leave it all behind like I did. They can.

Maybe this new year could start off with the journey of housecleaning...If you're like me, you're like, "Okay, let's do that right now. I want to do it once and walk on." But it doesn't work that way. It is a constant thing of going, "What was I just thinking about and why?" or "What did I just get upset about and why?" Then, inwardly turning back to the Lord in communion with Him. This is not a witch hunt, we're not going inside looking for stuff to be condemned about! This is taking the words "I desire to abide in the Lord with my heart and mind more" and making it a practice and a discipline. We're going deeper and growing more mature through this, and in the meantime, realizing how we are absolutely just at the beginning! Yes, friends, this is elementary, and yet it is the sum total. It's not a means to an end, it is the end. This is a huge challenge...so much to grasp of the Lord!! He is so good, and He rewards those who diligently seek Him, just to know Him and nothing more.

He also rewards those who don't go to bed this late. Yikes! Goodnight! Thanks for reading.

Everybody Has Those Days...

2011-01-13T18:03:00.002-06:00

...I just have more of them. I have been so tired this week! Along with that comes such a lack of mojo. Gee whiz. I can hardly stand myself. Although the winter is part of it, I certainly can't force full responsibility on it. It's actually been gorgeous outside. If it's going to be cold, at least it's beautiful! In the midst of my lack, I thank God for the unmerited favor and unconditional love He has for me. I receive it. I take it. I'm hungry and thirsty for it, and can't live without it. Grace. I wrote a song a long time ago that says, "I am just a beggar really, arms outstretched...for one more handout, one more chance, one more anything."

Last night Jack and I listened to Misty Edwards preach on ihop.org, and she was talking about how our minds are so full, so active, always thinking about what someone said or what we said, or the future...it's like a movie going on and on. And she said God made us like that on purpose and that very space was fashioned for Him to dwell with us. We are used to filling it with a million other things, and sometimes that's appropriate obviously to think through other things, but how many hours could our minds be focused on the Lord each day when it's just going to be running anyway? Misty said she hopes someday her daydreams are about Jesus. Me, too! That's my new hope, anyway. :)

Last night, after listening to this, I was trying to spend time with my mind focused on Jesus, and found myself praying for everybody and everything instead, then eventually distracted completely and thinking about myself. So, I've compiled a list to help myself train my mind in this. Here are some sort of tangible things I can set my mind on:

*Scriptures: Right now, I have a goal to read Song of Solomon, Proverbs, John, and Revelation 12 times this year. I can meditate on a small line of scripture, taking one word at a time. Or I can take a line and picture it; whatever I think the outcome could be, just visualize the story, image, etc. and dwell on the beauty.

*Worship: Make lists of the attributes and characteristics of God in my mind. Make up short meditative songs, like little mantras. It's amazing how truth becomes alive when you do this! It can be the smallest thing, like "Jesus loves me". Sing to Him, especially songs that are straight to Him and magnify Him!

*Promises/Words: Think about times God has spoken to me, helped me, healed me, given me a word of encouragement, or sent something to me at just the right time. We call these things to mind, as the Bible says, therefore we have hope. How neat to have a smile on your face because you're secretly adoring Jesus.

He wants our mind, and that requires discipline. As I'm reading in Proverbs, discipline is a fruit of wisdom, and that means it is a reward! It is a gooooooood thing. It is a gift. One prayer I really need to get back to praying (137 x a day if need be) is, "Lord, help me love wisdom. Help me desire what is right, good, and wise, because on my own, I am the opposite. I am lazy and rebellious. Only You can change me!" Setting our minds on things above...wherever, whenever, it's Heaven practice.

Wordless Wednesday (Photos by Jack)

2011-01-12T19:06:00.001-06:00

Butt-Grab Chili

2011-01-11T18:31:00.002-06:00

(Yemi made this at library class.)

Hee hee. Yes, "Butt-Grab Chili" is exactly what I meant to write! I want to give you an awesome recipe for chili, and a funny story to go with. Today, we had this delicious meal along with some cheese, crackers, and broccoli. Wish I had a picture. I do have a picture actually; however, something most usually goes wrong between me and technology that disables me from appearing as cool and blogalicious as I would like to be. :)

Here's the recipe:

1 lb. of Laura's lean ground beef, browned

1 minced onion, browned with the beef

1 can kidney beans

1 can chili beans

1 29 oz can tomato sauce

1 tbsp worchestire sauce

1 chili mix packet

Cook on low for about 40 minutes. YUM. The kids love it, beans and all.

And the story: We were having dinner with one of our favorite families in the world, the Henwoods, and Jeff and Mary told us the history of the chili they served us that night. They had been assigned to bring the chili to some church gathering, and Jeff thought he was the only supplier so he had brought a ton of it. Turns out it was a chili cook-off...But anyway, that's not the funny part. Everyone was talking about how great his chili was, and this woman came up behind him and grabbed his butt! He whips around, somewhat expecting it to be Mary, but alas it was a mortified woman who had the wrong husband in mind...or hand, I should say. Jeff shaves his head, so we do have to be careful, those of us with bald hubbies. :) Anyway, thus and therefore, the chili is forevermore called "butt-grab chili". Enjoy this winter sensation!!

Hmm...

2011-01-10T20:57:00.002-06:00

So, today I was thinking, "What the heck can I say about winter today? It is cold and I am tired and wah, wah, wah!" I told my mother-in-law/mentor/great friend that there had better be at least 90 good things about winter because that's how many days I committed to write about it. :)

A few good things about this frosty season came to mind, things I'll write about in the next few days maybe, but the best part of my day was when I walked into my friend's home for prayer group tonight. It had been a rough day for me. I just woke up exhausted, a very familiar feeling and of course one that I dread. I immediately started standing my ground against the enemy, got up, made a healthy breakfast, took my vitamins and supplements, but about 1 hour later ended up next to Yemi watching Sesame Street. When I mustered up the strength to go get dressed, Yemi (who is just now talking, so every syllable is precious) says, "Mommy, get back in bed!" I was like, "Okay!!"

By God's grace, we made it to the grocery, and I felt Him answer my prayers of "Lord, help me enjoy this." He is only waiting to be asked!! I have learned this lesson!! I am dependent. I can't care about anything unless He puts that care in me. Sad, but I'm done being depressed about my condition. I'm hopeless...and where I end, He begins. Really. It's TRUE! So, I came home actually excited about the new things I had bought, stuff I hadn't had in a while, like blue corn chips and Newman's Own salsa with flaxseeds added.

But Jack come home and Selah came home, and all of a sudden I started to feel stressed and like I wanted to just escape. The kids were loud, and things were chaotic, and I didn't feel good enough to get up and gain control over the rest of the schedule for the day. While I made dinner, I ate about 25 Hershey kisses. Not that that totally negates the fact that I lifted weights and ate so beautifully all day besides the kisses, but you know, that's a bummer. Those moments when I "don't care" are the reason why I am working so hard and not losing weight. That 10% of the time is practically canceling out the 90%.

I decided to go to worship at EHOP, and if you hadn't heard about that yet, oh I would love to tell you. Will blog about it sometime. Best secret in town!! Then, I walked into my friend's home for prayer group. It's just 3 of us right now, but we know how to pray for each other, and it's a great time to unwind and be known. The fireplace was lit and glowing (see, something you don't get in the summer!); the family room was welcoming and warm. Sweet smiles and coming to the Lord together, sharing a lot of the same needs when you get right down to it, was a little oasis. God does want us to have an escape, an oasis...but He is a jealous God, and isn't wanting to share His beloved with other "lovers". He wants us to come and rest in Him, and with our siblings in Christ. When I make chocolate or movies or whatever my rest and relaxation, I think it's like I'm putting off for another day the true rejuvenation I actually am being offered today by the Lord.

Now, chocolate and movies are a superb gift from God, don't get me wrong. But I am stumbling upon something in my spirit when I see that God has something greater for me to escape to...

Home for Dinner

2011-01-09T18:18:00.003-06:00

Today we went to my mom and dad's for dinner, to celebrate his 55th birthday. We all look forward to our birthday dinners, because we all get together, but let's face it, it's also for the great food!!! My mom is a wonderful cook, and has several "specialty" meals. One of those meals is: well, before I reveal, I just have to say it sounds yucky but it's really, really good...AND (bonus) it's made in the crock pot. Anything made in the crock pot is made for winter, and is a good thing about winter! Who wants a hot steamy crock pot sitting in their kitchen in July? Hello.

Anyway, so the meal is: pork chops, sauerkraut, au gratin potatoes, corn pudding (which I personally think is yuck, sorry, Mom), and corn muffins. It's a dangerously-void-of-green-vegetables meal, which my dad is probably quite happy about.

The pork chops are first browned in a skillet with olive oil, flour, salt and pepper, then placed in a crock pot on a bed of sauerkraut straight out of the jar. You cook it for something like 6 hours on high or longer on low, and voila! I also like to have mashed potatoes with this meal instead of au gratins because my family makes au gratins with Velveeta, and Velveeta is basically from the devil. It's true. :) And to kick it one more healthy change, a salad would work. My mom is actually an extremely healthy cook, she just makes the bad stuff for certain occasions.

Anyway, yay for warm, steamy, filling winter meals!

Saturday Shopping

2011-01-08T21:05:00.003-06:00

One fun thing about winter is...dare I say it...the chance to take back something you got for Christmas that you didn't really need. :) Merchandise credit, baby! And the chance to use Christmas money if you were lucky enough to get some.

Sorry to have such a superficial blog today, but it is wonderfully out of the ordinary for me to actually take pleasure in buying something, and today I got to! I have saved Christmas and birthday money for 2 years, and I was able to purchase a keyboard, stand, and pedal today in Louisville at Willis Music Store! Yippee! It took me a very long time, years even, to decide whether or not I "needed" a keyboard. I don't know if I needed it or not. I don't know if I will do more concerts because I have it or not. I don't know if I'll write more songs because of it or not. But I have prayed about it a long time, and I feel like God wants me to have it. Being ultra-conscious about the issue of Stuff, it's neat to think there are some things and some experiences that may not be a total necessity but still from Him. Neat. Thanks, God (and Mom & Dad, Jack, Leigh & Jon...)!

Reason However Many to Enjoy Winter: 'Cause Right Now Is All We've Got

2011-01-07T19:38:00.004-06:00

Today was so fun! When I woke up, I wondered if it was a "snow day"...which never meant anything to me before until this winter, with Selah being in her first year of school now. (My dear husband gets up with Selah, and Yemi and I sleep until 9. I know, I know. Charmed life.) But anyway, we started out the day with breakfast, then playing, then we watched Sesame Street (my fave), and then Toy Story 3. Selah got it for Christmas, but I hadn't watched it yet. Tear, tear!! Then we had lunch, took "naps" (ha ha), did schoolwork, and dressed up like princesses (not me, and sorry there's no pictures of this! I have some great ones but they are still on the camera. Fail.) Then dinner, games, and "Potty Time with Elmo". A little too much TV today, but...yeah. No excuses. This is why I'm not homeschooling.

Of course that movie played a part in me being a little nostalgic the rest of the day, and thinking about how fleeting my moments with my girls are. Our little life, our little family, our little home. Their little shoes, their little clothes, their little faces. I just adore it, I really do. I am so glad I got over my problem of wishing away time; I struggled with that I had as a teenager. (Honestly, I think I was bored for the first 2 decades of my life!) So, I sit and breathe these times in every day, because pictures are helpful, videos are great, but you know what I really and truly have? Nothing but right now. Absolutely nothing. I can try to contain it all I want, hold onto it in every way I can imagine, but the facts are the facts. Right now is all we have.

So whether it's winter or not, I enjoyed this day to the fullest. Fully alive. The glory of God is man fully alive, so it was a worshipful day. Thank You, Lord, for the gift of right now.

I've Got Sunshine...

2011-01-06T20:05:00.003-06:00

I wonder if you knew that Vitamin D is more powerful than the flu shot? Sorry to be a horrible blogger and not even have a site to prove it, but there are numerous articles online where it has been tested, and in the "alternative medicine" world it's pretty much a fact. I am giving my girls Vitamin D, about half a dropper full of a concentrated liquid kind, bought at Sonshine Natural Store in Campbellsville. The girls call it their sunshine.

Also, I am taking 5,000 iu of Vitamin D a day because when I was really sick, my doctor did some tests to see if I was low in it. She was the first doctor to do that, after all the specialists I had seen. Come to find out, being seriously low in D and B can make you feel as bad as if you had chronic fatigue syndrome or a sleep disorder. Just makes me want to scream WAKE UP to the medical community! And just FYI, it is not that expensive to have the tests done, pick up some pharmaceutical grade supplements if you have some deficiencies, and be on your merry way. If you do have deficiencies, you could literally feel better in a matter of days. (I did.)

If you have the winter blues, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, you need some drops of sunshine. Get outside every day if you can, absolutely stock up on Vitamin D, and if you're really desperate, paint the inside of your house the color of a lemon. That's what I did! :) As it snows tonight, I pray there is sunshine of many forms in your heart and home. Good night!

A Serious Winter Blah Moment...turned to gold

2011-01-05T16:52:00.004-06:00

Hopefully you'll enjoy my new pics. They're cute. Kids are just cute, you know? Every one of them. Even an ugly kid would still be cute. Jack says its so we don't eat them...evolutionarily speaking...lol. Okay, that's the hunger speaking. I think I have a little stomach bug and haven't eaten in a day or so. I feel like I'm over it, but at the same time, feeling a little headachy and queasy still. I want to be WELL so I can go volunteer in Selah's class tomorrow and have friends over for dinner tomorrow evening, but we'll see what happens. I have learned from (sadly) years of not knowing what to expect with my health to accept what comes...

Actually I've been thinking a ton lately about how accepting the chronic illness/fatigue God had allowed into my life LED to more deliverance than all the fighting against it ever did. What I think I've learned is that there are different kinds of suffering, and I'll be quick about explaining it, or at least my take on the matter...

Some suffering, we cause ourselves. We make poor choices or we're ignorant, but the good side of this kind of suffering is that knowledge and discipline can bring healing. When we ask God for miraculous healing, I think it would be wise to ask Him to help us get a clue on what we are doing wrong (physically, spiritually, emotionally), and then take responsibility for it, if that's the case. Some suffering is just plain from the enemy, and he will have whatever authority in the situation that we believe he has. If we know the truth, that he has NO authority, actually, and that prayer and worship can shrink his territory (hallelujah!), then this kind of suffering can come to an end quickly, no need for it to stick around in a believer's life. And lastly, some suffering is handed straight from the Lord for our good and His glory. If we've worked through deciphering our personal suffering, its origin, and we get to this last one and find ourselves in suffering God has brought into our lives, we can know it is beauty. It is a gift. It is as beautiful as the cross of Christ. It, in a way, is the cross of Christ, and He is asking us to carry it with Him. He doesn't always want it to happen quickly, this thing of deliverance. Sometimes He does, for sure, but let's remember we are people of faith, not sight.

Three things these types of suffering have in common: 1) God is in control of it. Nothing comes to us without first passing through His hand. We don't want to believe this; it's painful. But it is more painful to believe God is powerless sometimes, because we know that's just not true. He's either ALL powerful or NOT powerful, we can't have it both ways. Either His word is true and He sees the sparrows, or not. 2) God is beckoning us closer to Him in every moment of trial, no matter the origin, He wants to show His faithfulness, compassion, and presence. He wants to show us what matters, as we die to our strong will about our and other's destinies. 3) God promised it. The Word is full of what to expect, its just that in our culture, and especially our North American Christian culture, somehow people have decided all suffering is from the enemy and therefore if you are suffering, you are somehow not in His will, not praying the right way, not standing strong enough, not knowing what you should know. After ten years of going round and round with this, I have peace in believing my God is not waiting for a magic word.

So, what is He waiting for? I don't think we are to just coast obliviously through. There is a battle, there is a race; we just want to make sure we're spending our energy on the right ones! A few ideas of maybe how He'd like us to respond: Believing in His power and sovereignty in all things, even when it appears His will is not being done; learning humility and the fear of the Lord which ultimately demands nothing from Him, puts us in a place where we do not concern ourselves with matters He has not given us to fix; prizing intimacy with Him above any goal, relationship, ministry, or even calling He has put in our hearts and lives; bringing a sacrifice of praise.

My time in Africa and the "sickness" that resulted from it are a mixture of all three origins of suffering. I wanted God to bring glory to Himself by healing me, and one time He did, for a season. But the things I have learned...I absolutely am so thankful for how these difficulties have changed me. I would be so busy, so lost in people's opinions and praise; I'd be a worker, not a daughter; I wouldn't be learning to love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength because I'd be worshipping all I could do for Him instead of Him. And that's just the beginning. I'm going to let suffering complete it's work in me, all the time stomping on the enemy who wants to make things confusing or worse than they are, and all the time learning about how to be as healthy and wise as I can. (This is the goal anyway!)

So...nothing specific to winter today...but it was last winter that I remember crying all the way home from a family gathering, where I was so sick and tired, and the only thought in my mind all the way home was, "God, You're not going to heal me, are You?" My heart was broken. I had been praying and believing for 9 years, and this was the very first time I allowed myself to be in that place of, really, despair. I remember thinking, "Okay, I am Yours. If you want me sick and unable to care for my kids or do anything I believe You've called me to do, I surrender. It's not my life anyway. If You want me well and able, You're going to have to make it happen, because I give up! Don't expect anything out of me, God, because You're making it impossible, You know!!!" Somehow, peace entered my heart at that time. I realized I needed to go with the flow, trusting that this was His flow. God assured me He didn't want anything from me anyway...not anything that I thought He wanted, that is. He wanted me to let go of my hold on my life, and really say "whatever", even if it was going to be a life of embarrassment, weakness, and nothingness. The journey of weakness had begun 9 years before, but now the journey of accepting it and finding joy in it would begin. And would you believe that 4 months later I met the doctor that knew what was physically wrong with me in one conversation, and I have actually had more wisdom, knowledge, and steps to healing this year than in 10 whole years of searching?

This is not the journey I hoped for, prayed for, or believed for. But it is mine, and I am with Jesus in it, so it's good! For anyone who read this far, bless your heart, and thank you for letting me share my life with you. I'd be happy to talk in person anytime!

Warming Up

2011-01-04T18:06:00.003-06:00

Hey Fellow Winter-Lovers! (har har)

I'll tell you, this "only having a computer for 20 minutes a night" thing is cramping my style! I think it may be a good thing, because I certainly can't run the risk of being online too much, but since my computer died and I am using Jack's work one (after work!), it makes communication and blogging a little, um, crunched.

Anyway, today I read a wonderful thing. I'm not going to go on and on about it, I just want to share it, and then I'll tell you my "tip of the day" in regard to warming up in this season of chill. Martha Kilpatrick, whom I cannot recommend more, is a teacher, writer, and godly woman; she's written a small booklet series and it has been so good so far. Today, I had such a short time to read and I really only could digest this one sentence anyway: "If you want to be something in the world, you will be nothing in the Kingdom. If you are willing to be nothing in the world, you will be something in the Kingdom." It is a wonderful shift to think like this. How many times have I thought that when people applauded or looked up to me or wanted to learn from me or were even directly being helped by me then that was proof that I was being something in the Kingdom, that these things were proof that I was living in obedience and God's power? When I look around the world, I see ministries with powerful leaders, and I am not judging them, because I expect and assume that they live in humility and the fear of the Lord, but I then think of all the hundreds and thousands of nameless missionaries, pastors, servants out there who are not writing books and getting tv shows. Many of these servants suffer and never even see on this side of eternity any great and mighty works of God, at least not in the way that would be applauded by the Christian community as it is right now. Well, I said I wasn't going to go on and on...It's something to think about, though, right? And why does it matter? It matters because I have the rest of my life to spend for the Lord, and I don't want to aim for the wrong thing, the wrong picture of what that looks like.

So, if that thought alone doesn't get you all fired up, I have to say here's what I did to warm up today...an extra strenuous workout! (Yuck, I know!) I sweated extra because I hadn't exercised in almost 2 weeks. Yikes. I was like, "Let's take off these ankle weights, girl!" But alas, I had none on. I do intervals of 5 minutes on the treadmill-Not that I am in any position to give advice on this topic-But I walk 3 minutes, jog 1, run 1; then I do that 4 times. It makes the time go by fast, and you will be sweating before you're done, no doubt. Also, getting everything moving really does keep you warm for hours afterward. Just think, if we work out enough during the sweater and coat months, we might just be surprised come shorts weather. :) Happy Winter, everyone!

Day Two of the Winter Blahs Blog

2011-01-03T17:32:00.002-06:00

So our planet is too far away and too tilted to get much of the precious light and heat of the sun this time of year, or something like that (I was never very good at science) and that, my friends, stinks.

But this blog is all about helping myself and others joyfully survive my least favorite season, so let's think about the good in this! Today what I was really thinking about, honestly, not just for this blog, was how Jesus is our Life Light.

In John, which I've just started reading again, he talks about Jesus being the light of man. It sounds like something from the Lord of the Rings. In the age of man, there is darkness, but when the Light appeared and made His dwelling here among us, "the darkness could not overcome it." Sometimes my perspective of the world and it's mess is that darkness has overcome, and we are waiting for rescue. In a way this is true, but if the real live Jesus lives in us and He is our Life Light, then WE overcome the darkness by simply setting foot in a place and knowing our authority there, knowing His authority there. As believers, what would happen if we believed and lived out this fact that the enemy has no authority over our lives, thoughts, actions, words...? I have been contemplating lately how many suggestions of the enemy tend to quietly come in, then change my feelings, moods, and actions in the end. A suggestion of the enemy can unwind my whole day, a relationship, a conversation, an attitude, a decision or direction...and to think, he had no authority in the room whatsoever.

I was watching my favorite show, Alias, one time. The "bad guy" came in the room where these CIA agents were making an important decision, and he made a suggestion about their course of action, and my favorite character, Sydney Bristow, looked at this guy for a split second then turned around to the rest of the team and quickly said, "He has no authority here. His way won't be considered." I guess for this to make sense you'd have to have some kind of topic in your own life that isn't victorious; since I do, it is really clicking with me. How many times have I started out something that really was wise and good, and from the Lord, and a few days in I lost sight and gave up? That's evidence of an enemy, and I am not that enemy.

Anyway, I don't have a lot of time to blog so I don't know if this darkness and light idea went in the right direction, but I know that we are truly dim and will remain so until we come near to the Lord. I mean that quite literally! I wake up to a brand new chance every morning, but my lights are not on...I am out of it, not excited about the day, about to just go through the motions of a dimly lit heart and mind. But God invites us to come into the Light, acknowledge the burning of the Holy Spirit's flame inside of us, through eating some of His Word for breakfast and worshipping at His throne for a coffee break. As we are in the Light, the darkness will not overcome us. We may not be close to the sun these days, but we can get closer than ever to the Light.

Winter Blahs Blog: Day One

2011-01-02T13:58:00.002-06:00

So, tis January 2nd, and my "Winter Blahs Blog" hath begun!

The reason I am doing this (this being: writing about how to make it through the winter every day) is because winter is my least favorite season, and that is putting it nicely. Winter is hard for me on every level, and for a variety of reasons...but this year as it was coming, I felt the Lord saying to not dread it, but embrace it, that He would be there in the midst of it. And He already has been, in a big way! For me, there are tons of parallels to the Lord hidden in each of the seasons. Unfortunately, winter usually parallels to me to be a time of cold, dead, harsh difficulty, both physically and spiritually, like a suffering you just have to go through. I have a hard time enjoying the beauty of winter, because all I can see is the absence of the things I love: green, warm, sun, color. And without beauty, it's hard to relax. I don't feel unfolded before the Lord, I feel tired and frozen in the winter; some people call these times "winters of the soul". I totally get that phrase, and of course these winters don't just happen in the winter! Well...

Today at church a girl got up and shared how God has spoken to her recently. She mentioned this movie she had seen about this dog that was taken in and loved by this man, but the man died, and the dog just kept going back to that same spot anyway, looking for him, waiting for him, whether he came or not. As I listened to this, I thought, "I want to be like that dog. I want to go to the Lord and sit at His feet whether He looks my way or not. I want to go whether He shows up or not. I have to stay there, regardless of what He does, that is my destiny." Now, I believe God is always there...He's there long before I come to Him. But sometimes we worship how He makes us feel; we worship the dreams, revelations, new teachings, feelings, words of encouragement, even words of rebuke. But Jesus wants all-weather friends. He wants those who will sit on the icy bench in the garden, whether they feel His warm embrace or not.

So this winter, let it get as cold and miserable as it wants...physically, spiritually, whatever. We will come to the Lord for everything, and He will be exactly what we need, even if that means we still feel cold inside and out after we come. There is no doubt in my heart and mind that if we keep coming, His heart will be so overjoyed that it will spill over onto us in due time.

Unexpected Beginnings

2011-01-01T21:20:00.004-06:00

Today was...interesting.

We ended up unexpectedly at the church where Jack and I got married...exactly ten years from the day of our wedding...but this time we were there for a funeral. Jack's stepfather's brother passed away this week after a battle with cancer. He was a young, handsome, and happy man; father of two, grandfather of a little girl, and very well-loved. Jack's brother, Joe, did a truly wonderful job of being the pastor at the funeral and sharing Jesus in a personal way to those who came to pay their respects. I didn't really know this uncle very well at all, had only seen him a few times really, but I was very sad to see my loved ones sad. The good news, as it was well declared today, is that he is no longer suffering and quite ecstatic actually to be where he is, ahead of us all, with Jesus.

So, it's interesting to think about an "end" on the very first day of a New Year, but also so very fitting! When all this is over, we will finally begin. Nobody likes a funeral, but honestly it's moments like that, days like today, that make us think about what we want to be remembered for and how we should, as believers, really feel about saying goodbye. Today made me and Jack want to plan our funerals...I just don't want my funeral to be churchy. I want to give people a chance to grieve and say goodbye to me, because our psyches need that, but I don't want the old songs and the big box and the quiet. I don't want people to gather around an empty shell of a body that caused me all kinds of grief, even if that is the face they loved; I want pictures, music, books, whatever people thought of when they thought of me, and ultimately I want people to worship the Lord. I want them to forget about themselves and enjoy the Lord's presence. I want a great praise band. I want people to celebrate my homecoming, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter what circumstances or timing led to my death, I am at peace with the way the Lord let it all go down. I am His, and He knows the number of my days. Not a sparrow falls to the ground without His knowledge and I am worth much more than that...and so are you! I know I'm weaving together a bunch of random thoughts, but wouldn't it be cool if all of my stuff (that my family didn't want, I guess) was set out at my funeral for people to take home with them if they shared a memory of me with that item?

So...sobering thoughts. As this family grieves their loss, my prayer for them is that the Lord would bring them deeper and farther and higher into His arms, into a new level of walking with Him, so that when their time comes...they're glad.

New Year's Eve & My Husband, Jack

2010-12-31T18:21:00.005-06:00

I have always LOVED New Year's Eve! It is one of my favorite holidays. Even though I'm not usually doing anything spectacular on this day, it is momentous anyway. Today, Jack and I are working our little fingers to the bone laying flooring in our home...a dream come true, really! I never expected to get new floors, and now, after ten years, there is not one speck of icky carpet left in my house! Hallelujah! My favorite thing about New Year's Eve, actually, is to get alone and turn my face toward Jesus. When I was a teenager, post 1991 when my relationship with Him became "real", I would go to New Year's Eve parties but right before the ball dropped, I would find a little closet or something, and just be with Jesus, just adore Him. Tonight I am overwhelmed with adoration for the Lord, for who He has shown Himself to be in my life and for all the mysteries He still is. I love this Man. And there's another man I truly love as well.

The name "Jack", being a derivative of John, means "God's gracious gift." Jack is God's gracious gift to me. We are polar opposites, but best friends forever. This year, I am happy to say I have grown in the art of marriage. What God wanted to show me about acceptance, unconditional love, forgiveness, and respect were actually not only things I needed to learn for my marriage to be better or even for Jack to be happier, but these were characteristics I needed to grasp internally to move on in my journey with the Lord. The changes that have been made in my attitude, feelings, expectations, and actions toward Jack are still under construction, but it is exciting to be at peace and not need anyone to change but myself.

I am truly thankful for Jack and all his hard work. He works more than 40 hours a week at his "day job", then spends his "free time" with me and the girls. He barely has time to eat 3 meals a day, and doesn't really have a moment to himself until I go to bed at 10. It makes me sad when people criticize him for not answering his phone or getting together with them; I wish they understood his life right now. I hope that this year he feels bound to the Lord in a fresh new way, and that the desires of his heart would come to pass, every last one of them.

It's going to be a wonderful new year, this 2011! God is moving in our hearts; He is humbling His people and turning us to Him above all things, above all loves, above all service, above all goals. I have no resolutions this year; I sense nothing except a year of drawing nearer to the Lord and finding more in my heart, mind, soul, and strength to give up to make room for Him. (Oh, for this to truly happen! I am so unable on my own!) I'll end this post with the chorus of a song I finally finished last night (started in 2008!)

"After all this time, after all this journey

after all I've tried to be

You've simplified, cleared my mind of all I could pursue

so I could just want You."

Favorite Christmas Moments 2010

2010-12-26T19:20:00.008-06:00

In no particular order, these are some of my fave moments so far!

*Singing a nice ringing chorus of "Auld Lang Syne" with some of my favorite people at our Annual House Concert at the Casteels

*Walking outside on Christmas Eve and discovering an inch of snow; watching Selah in her red dress and coat slowly dance along the sidewalk with her eyes closed and face upturned

*Having my parents come for brunch; I felt like a grown up. :)

*Accompanying my cousin, Adam, as he sang "O Holy Night"; hearing him sing "Mary, Did You Know?", and listening to those words again for the first time

*Discovering the sugary goodness of praline pecans; making them for the first time, carrying on the wonderful recipe of my cousin Kathy (who passed away in 2009)

*Hearing Yemi pray for me in the car, because I was sick; "God, help Mommy...-insert an unintelligible sentence or two-...Amen."

*Realizing Selah is old enough to play board games; remembering how much i LOVE games and looking forward to many game nights in the future!!!

*Singing "Count Your Blessings" with Selah...everywhere we have been this week, we have performed. She was a precious little messenger of song. And I can't forget Yemi's performances as well...precious in a different way!

*Watching old videos, Christmas movies, and Christmas cartoons (remember Claymation Christmas?)

*Sitting on my bed in quiet time with the Lord, looking back on the journey of this year, and thanking Him for coming and rescuing me...again and again.

*Dancing with Jack, Selah, and Yemi in our living room to "It Really Is (A Wonderful Life)"; knowing time is passing, but we have today, and it is beautiful, and it is enough.

A Day Off

2010-12-20T16:54:00.002-06:00

Wow! Jack gave me a great early Christmas present, and just what I needed: A day off. A glorious, quiet, day alone. I love to steep in stillness.

While I did some laundry and groceries and work around the house, I got to do it alone. And just like I would do when I had free time as a little girl, I rearranged and cleaned my bedroom. It is a good thing I have finally embraced and accepted myself as the introvert that I am, or I would be quite frustrated at this reality!

Anyway, in my time alone, my brain got a chance to breathe, and while these are by no means 2011 New Years Resolutions, they are ideas that I am laying at the Lord's feet...They are in me for a purpose, and I don't need them to happen to be happy and fulfilled, but as I said, they are in me for a purpose. So, here's a brief list--some small, some big, none random really.

1. Make a 4th CD. There are some new people I want to work with this time around, and some new people I want to ask to sing duets with me. I'm really excited to finally get the songs I have written over the past four years on CD; to tell these stories through music is so much fun. The CD will be called Songs for My Family: Near and Far, and they are all written to or about people I consider family, from those living under the same roof with me to the least of these worldwide.

2. Start The Lydia Bridge. I have this idea to partner with small international ministries who help women in underdeveloped countries earn an income by making crafts, like jewelry, quilts, and handbags. My hope is to truly form partnerships between women in the U.S. who purchase their workmanship and the women themselves around the world. The main way I want to do this is to become a business "middle-woman" if you will, between customers and those making the crafts, so that these micro-enterprises can continue to benefit those in need and so that women here can buy meaningful gifts for themselves and each other, all the while forming prayer bonds and friendship with the artists. Three main ways to follow this through are: Parties at host houses (like Thirty One or Pampered Chef), setting up at craft fairs, and setting up at my (or others) concerts.

3. Go back for my Masters Degree in Professional Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy at WKU.

4. Paint some furniture in my house. Get a storm door. Get a headboard for Selah's bed. Finish decorating the basement.

It's been a fun day. Off to exercise and watch Sydney Bristow kick some booty!

Computer Crash

2010-12-18T20:09:00.002-06:00

Well, I was just telling someone this week how hard it would be for me to live without my computer. I didn't even have a laptop until maybe a year ago, when Jack was given a new Mac for work and his laptop passed down to me. Oh, my gosh, there is so much more I could have done with it, but I was totally rocking the iPhoto, iTunes, and internet. GarageBand was also fun at times, but I never did anything really worthwhile on it. I have my website, not that it's anything great, but people do go to find lyrics and chords of my songs on there. Everyone communicates by Facebook and email now, even my own mother who is still on juno.com. Lately I was burning some great worship CDs for friends and blogging more, here and at Megan's website (www.themommypost.com)...so I'm sad!

Anyway, I think my computer is dead. It's something I want to be mature about, like see how God wants to use this...maybe I was using it too much, or maybe it was a distraction. I am certain if the Lord wants me to have a computer, I'll have a computer. Bam. But I'm still sad. I feel like Facebook and blogging really keep me from being isolated, plus I am a major "verbal" processor and I have to work through things by writing, I just have to. I still journal, but the blog makes me feel like I am learning things that maybe are affecting others, too. But mostly it's just fun, and I need that!

Oh, well. Enough. At least Jack has a computer I can sometimes steal away. Maybe this will make my blogs a little more purposeful.

Tonight was our first Christmas gathering; Jack's side of the family. It was really fun. Grandma gave me some used house shoes and a dreamcatcher. Yes, I'm serious. I am pretty sure it was a gag gift...I mean, obviously it was a gag gift, but the question is whether it was MEANT to be a gag gift! The kids got some beautiful dresses, jammies, and baby dolls. That's all they need...yet there are about 5 more "Christmases" to go. It's such a fun 2 weeks, but I really have to pace myself...meaning get in bed every chance I have, keep exercising, taking my supplements, and doing the other stuff on my list. This time last year was so hard; I praise Him for the path He has taken me on this year, and I praise Him that out of His great mercy I feel better than I thought I would.

Tree Turtle

2010-12-16T11:31:00.002-06:00

I am genuinely concerned about Tree Turtle.

Unfortunately, I don't have a picture to show you, but it really is real.

One day about 2 years ago, I was doing dishes and looking out my window at the tree. It was winter, so all it was just bare branches, and lo and behold, there was Tree Turtle. It's like this funny knobby thing on one of the branches that looks JUST like a turtle with it's head poked up. So cute. So it became my little winter pet. I'm really not crazy...Really.

Well, with the ice that came in last night...ummm...I can't find him! I don't know if his branch is bending too low and is behind another branch or what. I'll certainly let you know as soon as he rears his cute little head again, because I'm sure you are now concerned as well. And when he does, I will take a picture!! You just don't know what you have until it's gone!! (LOL!)

Home

2010-12-14T14:33:00.003-06:00

So, I suppose Christmas Break has started early for us. Selah is home with strep throat, and it looks like an ice storm will be coming to knock out chances of school on Thursday. Bring on the peanut butter balls, Santa Clause movie marathon, and well, um, insanity.

I'm just feeling a little weird, like I am just not ready for Christmas, and I have no idea why. Our first "christmas" is this Saturday, with Jack's side of the family. It will be fun, and then the next day its christmas again, at my mom and dad's. It'll be great...but what about it makes me want to just go ahead and eat every praline I made (to bring to the parties)?

Well, another lame blog post, but I do think some good ones are coming. I want to do some "year-end book and movie reviews" (don't you just love my overuse of quotation marks today? You know i'm in a sarcastic mood when I use lots of quotation marks!) And then in January, once all the beautiful holiday festivities are over and it's just plain cold, I am going to launch into a daily blog about winter survival. I seriously do plan to blog every day on the topic of ideas to make winter spectacular for those of us prone to hibernation! I'm sure that my ideas are things everyone else knows, however, I will need to write them down for my own sake...and maybe they'll be a reminder to my fellow shiver-ers.

Good Morning!

2010-12-10T07:17:00.003-06:00

Wow. It's early. So sorry to be a wimp, I realize most people get up at 6:30, but not me. I've been fighting it since I was little. I remember, I used to get my clothes for the next day on before I went to bed so that I could get up later...And now, I have a legitimate reason to not get up early. My overall health depends on about 12 hours of sleep a night. While I've grown to accept it, it's obviously hard to stay feeling well. It's a lot of discipline to stay well, but at least now I know what I need and can make it happen. :)

Anyway, yesterday and today I had to be up at 6:30 to take Selah to school because my dear Jack is out of town for work. It was nice to have the extra hours; got more laundry and dishes done than I usually do in a week! I also had some time to get out my guitar and play a little. That led to me getting a little house concert set up at my friends' house, to play Christmas songs. So, that's been nice... but the cloud hanging over my head of fatigue and loopiness, not so nice.

I've also had a little more time with the Lord. God convicted me this week of putting working out before time with Him. I wasn't just prioritizing my time wrongly, it was in my heart, too. For about 8 months, I've had all these changes to my diet and life so that I can get better...but with all the changes, I started to gain a little weight, and because that's always been such a battle, I felt I needed to bring it back to the forefront of my mind again. But it has led to such bondage; anytime I put anything in the forefront of my mind over knowing Jesus, that's what happens! So, it has been wonderful to place this part of my life where it belongs (on the radar, but not front and center) and remember the One Thing I am living for.

So...kind of randomness today...but I thought I'd share. Have a happy day, and let's turn our eyes upon Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith!

Full Circle

2010-12-06T12:47:00.002-06:00

I have been listening to a teaching on bitterness for the past several months, and the Lord is really using it in my life. When I started it, I wondered how it would play out...would I become aware of hidden bitterness? It turns out that I have, and I'm sure there is more to be revealed. Anyway, I just am struck today by the way these past 2 weeks have happened in regard to this lesson in bitterness coming full circle.

2 weeks ago, my good friend shared with me something; she was not being confrontational really, but God used it internally as something I needed to be confronted about. Basically, I was holding a lot of judgment and critical opinions about someone, truly thinking I had learned something they didn't know; without ever coming to grips with it fully, I had believed I was right and they were wrong. Regardless of who is right or wrong, it was seething under the surface and would come out every now and then if others brought it up. Self-righteousness was winning over love. That's the bottom line.

Well, I saw how it was hurting people, finally I saw it. I had done the same thing to Jack, also, in marriage through the years and had repented of that, so it was a familiar problem. That next day at church, I had time to work through it with God, and made an altar so to speak to lay down the ugly sin (I didn't think it was ugly before, I thought it was deserved and true and just). Knowing that you can starve a thought to death, I committed to no longer dwell on or speak of these opinions again. I asked God to remove them from my heart completely, and while the facts still exist of what they believe vs. what I believe, I don't care anymore. They are God's and I am God's, and He is in charge of what we need to know right now.

That very day, after releasing these people, God in turn set me free. He was waiting for me to show grace SO THAT He could offer to me grace in the same proportion. I know He is merciful and good and shows grace even when we don't, but He wanted me to understand this spiritual law of Matthew 7...the same measure I show grace, that is the measure in which I will receive it myself. His grace to me came in the form of showing me the invisible enemy who was wreaking havoc on my life; He opened my eyes to victory over some things that had really been lessening my joy.

Then a couple days ago, this yucky conversation happened with my loved one where I was the object of her judgment and unsolicited opinions. It was important for me to see that I have done this to so many people...these people I have mentioned, Jack, and others in the past. It was like God was showing me what it looks like to...well, just not love. Love hasn't been my crusade. People doing their best, people getting what they deserve, people changing "for the better", that was my crusade. Maybe I am a hippie, but I'm not sure what good any of that does when we'd rather have justice than mercy.

I was thinking about it today, after listening to more of the teaching on bitterness, how God did not get justice and how He did not show justice to me, but instead mercy. God does not deserve to have to put up with me; He certainly does not deserve to love me, a wandering sheep. Oh, how He deserves a fiery love! When He sent His Son to die for me, justice was not done. There was nothing just or fair about it. It was mercy. And that is why I'm finally, finally, getting a glimpse of understanding on how to love others. Even if I'm poorly loved, even if I never get out of someone what they really should give me, (everything from store cashiers to my children!), I want to choose to love. Accept. Show mercy over justice. Let God be their Potter, not me.

Yeah.

Freedom

2010-12-03T14:10:00.003-06:00

You know, I have so much growing to do...so much learning to do...so many things that I don't even know need to be cleaned up in my heart, life, beliefs...I won't know what they are until God allows circumstances or conviction or conversation to bring them up. Having said that, I want to blog today about something that sort of shocked me.

Yesterday I had a really difficult conversation with a loved one. It felt at the time that it was coming out of nowhere, but throughout the day I realized it was a bit of a time bomb waiting to go off. I am the type of person that once I have changed, for example once my attitude is different about something, I completely forget what I used to be like. It takes something big to happen before I go, "Oh my gosh, I don't do that anymore" or "Wow, that's not even an issue now." My point is that since God did such a work of freedom in my heart the past year or two (which I won't explain because I've talked so much about it in my blogs already), I live in a fairly peaceful state. I certainly can still get mad or upset about things, and I have my moments of feeling sad and depressed, but because the deepest question in my soul has been answered, I am calm and at peace, and don't worry about many things. I don't ignore problems, I don't pretend, but at the same time, I feel like I have accepted a lot of the things that are hard in life that others want to keep fighting against.

I'm not trying to sound high and mighty, like I've arrived at some nirvana! BUT I am free from my striving to achieve and change things. I am free from trying to make God or anyone else do or become something of my creation, my planning. I don't live in a constant state of trying to prevent suffering. This has definitely started to show in my parenting, my conversations, my emotions (what I don't get worked up about), etc. Well, finally I will get to the point: While people have mentioned that they think I am patient, calm, at peace, yesterday was the first time I was actually attacked about it. Without going into it, I think they were jealous of this perspective and peace that God has given me. It was so weird to be accused of not caring enough about the things other people care about, not trying to dress or live like others, living "cluelessly" like a "hippie". I absolutely took this as a compliment. Of course there were some mean things said as well, that I won't share. These things I didn't take as a compliment, but I have disregarded them already! I've also been told my kids don't respect me because I'm too sweet and patient with them, when they need sternness. (First of all, I'm not sweet and patient, and plenty stern, don't be fooled! I only attempt to control MYSELF first and foremost, above controlling them.) I take this as a compliment, too.

I really do feel secure in the way I am living my life. It is a relief and a joy to hear these criticisms and after praying about it, really think to myself, "There was nothing of value from God in that. I am moving on." I'm sharing this, not to sound like I have it all together, because we all know I do not and am not even trying to, but because we are ALL in this same boat. We have to make our decisions and just LIVE. People's comments really can just slide off our backs. Our validation, encouragement, and correction comes from the Lord. Be free, friends, be free! I hope that sharing this little glimpse of my journey to confidence and freedom will be affirmation to you!

AMEN!

2010-11-30T16:59:00.003-06:00

Wow, I heard a great word today from IHOP Kansas City. It's "old" but new to me! A girl, I think her name was Julie Meyer, had a dream where God was speaking to her about several things. I need to listen to it again to really describe it, but I wanted to share this one thought.

She said something like: "Whatever you tripped over yesterday, you are going to tread upon today!" Have you ever just had a hallelujah or an amen or a YES just rise out of your gut and come out your throat without a chance to think it through? This has been happening to me more often recently. In the kitchen, when I heard this word, I jumped up and down, screaming YES!! AMEN!!! Victory. Yemi loved it. She likes to yell, "Jesus!" whenever she hears worship.

I wrote a song one time called "When A Flame is Fine", and its about how we/Christians/myself are pretty inhibited and perhaps even slightly dull to the sheer joy and dare I say emotion that the cross deserves! When you've been rescued, when you understand you've been rescued, I mean, really, is the proper response the type of things we tend to see in church on Sunday mornings?? Cold and quiet, hands in pockets?? I digress at this point...but I want to declare that yes, there are still many places where I cannot be totally myself and let those cries from my gut come out, but my home and where I worship on Sunday mornings are FREE spaces. It's good to not have to hold it inside anymore. FREEDOM!

What The?

2010-11-28T12:32:00.003-06:00

So, I woke up today at 11:59, and while I know there are much worse things to wake up to, I woke to a complete and utter mess. Obviously, from the 14 hour night of sleep the night before, I'm not feeling so good, so I guess the past few days blurred by and I didn't notice the mess accumulating. Jack has been working non-stop on the girls' bedroom floors (bless him!!), so I've had to keep the girls downstairs playing and watching movies for days. It had all kinds of potential to be fun, and sometimes it was, but laying around watching movies with your hubby or by yourself and laying around watching movies with a whiney, snotty nosed 2 year old who only wants to watch Elmo or Dora is a different thing altogether.

So, anyway, every room in my house is disgusting. I actually dreamt last night about dust and cobwebs, so my subconscious was trying to prepare me! Most of the girls' belongings are in the middle of the kitchen, there's all kinds of crud under the table, 2 full loads of dishes and laundry to be done, receipts and paperwork I can't seem to get to (both physically and mentally!) and yet if I don't, who knows what may happen to the checking account? There is a stack of stuff Selah's teacher wants me to fill out or do or buy, due by 4 different dates in December, the basement is covered in toys from this morning when Jack was trying to keep the kids occupied (and halfway quiet for me, again, bless him!), and when I looked in the mirror I realized my distant relatives from both sides of the family had been forced to behold my completely overgrown eyebrows. Plus, no matter how hard I work at it, the scale continues to mock my efforts. I am SO staying in my pajamas today.

I feel better after sharing my ridiculous complaints; I really do. I need to go outside a little, and breathe in some fresh air before I attack this mess. December is going to be wonderful: more new flooring which is a dream come true, Christmas parties, Selah being off school again, making yummy things to share with friends and family. And January through March? Well, survival will require some spiritual warfare...and blogging. I've decided to blog Jan-Mar (almost) everyday, each day bringing up a new way to survive the worst winter has to throw at us! I am no longer a winter-hater, I just know I need some extra support during those darker, shorter, colder days. Thanks for stopping in, friends. Love you and hope you had a fantastic Thanksgiving! (Kind of ironic, my Thanksgiving post was the opposite. I'll try to make up for that later!)

Hi!

2010-11-16T16:25:00.002-06:00

I'm going to try to sneak in a quick blog while I'm making dinner! Last week, I missed blogging but I was just really too pitiful to get on here and say what was on my mind. I figured it would have done no good for anyone! It was just a rough week, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even socially. Sometimes my blogs may sound confident, as if I'm saying, "Oh, wow, look what I've discovered and look how easy all this is!!" If you ever take that home after reading, please remember this: I am a total and complete mess whose sound mind at any moment of any day is because Jesus has mercy on me. There. Now you know. :)

Anyway...speaking of Jesus having mercy...I have really had a breakthrough I would love to share! Whether it is the adrenal fatigue, or depression, or whatever, I was beginning to fear getting up in the morning; I wondered what I would face, and I wasn't sure anymore if I could handle what I would face. It's been like this for years, because some days I feel good and then on those days I can keep commitments, get things done, and feel pretty positive about my life, and then many days, I feel like I didn't sleep at all and I just want the day to be over before it's begun. When there are days like this in a row (which last year was pretty much every day), it definitely starts to get to me, and I forget who I really am and how I normally feel about all God has given me. There's the background, here's the good news:

On Sunday, the message/worship was about spiritual warfare. I felt like God was speaking directly to me, saying, "You are NOT a slave to what circumstances and feelings and moods, even sickness, that you wake up to!" I realized it was the enemy, it was Satan, who was taking these weaknesses of my body and life and turning them into something more than they actually are. I realized that I am not the enemy; my body and mind, even as carnal and flesh as it is, is not the enemy. My weaknesses are not the problem! The way I was allowing Satan to USE my weaknesses against me was the problem. Those weaknesses can be tremendous strengths with the right perspective: turning them into dependence on the Lord, bringing sacrifices of praise which are beautiful in His sight, and making my life "limited" to His will (not taking on more than He actually wants me to). It is awesome to not see myself as something to be feared, to not see myself as the enemy, because truth be told, I was treating myself like the enemy. I was not living, eating, taking care of my self like a person would who loves herself. I do have an enemy though, and I know how to deal with him! It is amazing how fast he has to flee when we declare that we will not agree with him, that we will not live by the thoughts he puts in our mind first thing in the morning!

I don't have power over these circumstances, and I don't like to pretend everything is great when I'm walking through quicksand. But I do have power, by God's presence and grace and truth, over what these circumstances do to me. AMEN!

Don't Neglect Redirection!

2010-11-07T12:04:00.002-06:00

I am almost finished being shocked by my constant need for redirection.

For goodness sake, I am like a kid you have to tell every five minutes what they're supposed to be doing (or not doing). I forget what good news I just heard, I forget what clear word I received, and I'm just clueless...every morning. I'm lost and depressed...every morning. So it is a real joy that I am almost finished being shocked by my constant need for redirection, because now that I realize it and embrace this weak and sad reality about me, I can forgive myself and move on! God is showing me how important it is to receive redirection outside of myself. I never used to be the type to depend on books, teachings/podcasts, Bible Study workbooks, or praise music CDs to receive the guidance and truth that I needed from God. But now, I am taking in all I can get!

It makes sense to me to say that if we're in church, or in a Bible Study, or reading a book (all in efforts to grow spiritually) and those experiences do not redirect our eyes and hearts and lives to Jesus and how much He loves us, they are a waste of time. Our devotion and love for Him throughout the week will only be a response to the devotion and love we learn that He has for us first! We must be transformed daily by the renewing of our minds (Heb. 12) and His mercies are new every morning (Lam. 3:22). We do forget...and we are surprised that we feel angry or sad or confused. We need to do whatever it takes to be redirected to His love, His forgiveness, and His Word all day long, for no reason other than we need it. I think of Daniel and how he remained strong by seeking the Lord three times a day. Did he do this because the law required it? I don't think so! Maybe he did it because he knew of his constant need for redirection.

Not because we have to, not because anyone is watching, not for any reason other than we want more of Him and less of us, let's make altars in our daily schedules...moments where we escape the world and run into His arms, and be redirected into His love. Maybe it's a CD ready in the CD player to move your heart to Him while you clean up breakfast, then the Bible open on the lunch table where you can meditate on just one scripture, or during the kids' naps come to Him first before you move on to other tasks. As a mom, I feel like my time with God is so different than it used to be and it's been really hard to focus on Him even when I do find the time to spend with Him, but there are ways to work that out and we must continue to do so. These resources (CDs, books, teachings online) that I've mentioned are some of the things helping me to come out of the world and into His sanctuary throughout the day.

Lastly, it has been good to be out of so called "leadership" for the past couple of years, because I have learned a valuable truth about it. Christian leaders have 2 jobs: stay intimately and personally growing with Jesus as their #1 priority in life, and secondly, redirect people's eyes, ears, and hearts to Jesus Christ. Leaders don't need to seek to change anyone or tell anyone what to do or even what to believe, they just need to redirect people to Him and He will take care of the rest. When we are constantly being redirected back to the Lord and His peace, we will become redirectors ourselves.

Thoughts on Justice

2010-11-05T11:33:00.004-05:00

One day, when Selah was really little, about 5 years ago, Jack came home and put in a video from the International Justice Mission. He was preparing to do some lessons on social justice issues with the youth at church, and I heard the video from the other room. Somehow in my 27 naive years, I had never heard of the things described in this video, and it tore me apart. Children being sold into slavery; teenagers and women trafficked and used in brothels; little boys kidnapped and forced to kill their parents, ushered into the army at the age of 5; the industry of sex tourism. The sheer number of people these things were happening to shocked me and left me numb. I had given very little thought to abuse, and now I was seeing the reality that these weren't just rare, sick crimes. This is every day business in dozens of countries.

My response was lots of tears, lots of asking God how could I help, lots of guilt about how little I contribute/how easy my life is, and lots of just emptiness, sadness. I hated that I couldn't do anything, but at the same time, I could not let go of the belief that God did indeed want me involved! But I didn't know where to begin, and I wanted answers fast. In this blog today, I want to briefly share in a nutshell the process I had to go through. (I know it doesn't look brief, but we're talking 5 years here!) Perhaps it will be a starting place for you, if you feel some of these things. There is so much more to say than just this, I'm just scratching the surface. These are in order...unfortunately, we can't skip a step.

1. EDUCATION: The first step is definitely education and awareness. On my blogsite there is a list of links to organizations that are literally saving the world. We can use them to learn about current events that pertain to these types of issues. This first step involves a little bit of time, signing up for a few prayer/info emails from various organizations, and most of all, it involves bravery. Most of us want to turn our heads from ugliness; we don't want to know it exists! But we must be brave, and let education and awareness break every last piece of our heart. We will not be used by God for justice if we do not first allow it to hurt deeply.

2. PRAYER: As education turns to brokenness, continue to ask for a tender heart. I learned that as Jesus grieves over these victims, He longs to have others who will toil with Him in prayer and grieving as well. Think of Jesus entering the garden before He was taken away to be crucified; He begged His disciples to stay and pray with Him, but they slept instead. If we want to go with God on rescue missions, we have to go with God in times (maybe years) of lamenting WITH Him. For a couple of years, I remember crying and crying and saying, "God, what good am I doing them through all this crying? Send me!!!" But this is important. God will not just give marching orders to act like His hands and feet. He has to change us to BE His hands and feet. That takes time, and it has to be done His way.

3. RELATIONSHIP: In mourning with God where He is, we gain exactly what He wants for every human being on earth: closeness and intimacy with Him. In this stage of my process, I learned one of the most important things I will ever learn: God does not want justice to be the number one passion of my life. He does NOT want me waking up every morning thinking about it. He does not ask me to live for it and die for it. God wants HIMSELF to be the number one passion of my life. He will allow no other to take that place. I learned I was worshipping the actions and the compassion and the desire to make a difference; God will not allow us to do this and get away with it, because He is a jealous God. He loves us too much to let us live for what He did not create us to live for! Oh, how frustrating these months were as I learned this lesson. I simply did not understand...until He finally got it through to me. We cannot put ministry, even the things of His heart, above HIM. There is a difference between the two, and we must understand that difference. This is when some of the frustration finally started to cease for me. My heart for justice is still there, strong as ever, given by God and approved by God...but I have learned to train my heart to beat first and foremost for the Lord and to seek Him above all these things.

4. ACTION: Once we get that straight, that personal intimacy with God must be our battle cry first and foremost, then we can trust that as we are with Him, learning, praying, mourning, that He will lead and guide us on how to serve people in need. We will be changed from the inside out, instead of being given laws and rules to live by. Honestly, I think there is room for believing that when Jesus said to sell our possessions and give them to the poor, and leave behind fields and family, that He meant it literally. There is room in my heart for that. I believe we need to prepare our hearts for it, meaning loosen our grip and be willing. But I also believe now, after going through this process, that to act on that without knowing the details and timing specifically from God to me, would be all about ME (making myself feel better) and not about God or justice.

After all these steps, He might say to look at your budget and change it a little or a lot, to give to organizations such as IJM, to make sacrifices to your non-necessities. To make sure you and your family are aware of the amount of non-necessities in your budget at all is a big step that most American families never take (at least not until they are forced to). But you won't be doing it because you feel guilty, you'll do it because God is leading you. You can come to Him and say, "Lord, this is Your money. Where do you want it to go?" He will tell you. Don't let someone else tell you what to do as if you can't hear from God yourself!!!!!!!!!!! (exclamation points to infinity!!!) This may just be a personal vendetta, but I cannot stand it when people say that when they see others in need it just reminds them to be grateful for their many blessings, and then call it a day. Sure, be thankful for your many blessings, but don't think for a second they are all yours to keep! When these steps happen in our lives, we will strive for equality and will not be content with excess.

He might call you to advocate in all kinds of creative ways, such as writing, speaking, meeting with small groups, educating others. He might call you to stay home and pray, or meet with a group to weekly pray over the prayer requests that come from these missionaries and organizations. I cannot stress enough how important it is to get connected with orgs and missionaries out there, because then you have real names and current situations to be praying for.

I went from thinking there was nothing I could do to feeling like there is no way to stay faithful to all the possibilities. I don't pray and serve in these ways nearly as much as I thought I would, or sincerely want to. I exist and thrive on knowing God is constantly at work in my life, refining me, burning away the chaff of distractions to both His call on my life to know Him and His call on my life to burn with Him for justice. The story has taken one unexpected turn after another for me, to say the least. The only way I can describe how I feel is to imagine being a jockey on a horse at the Derby, waiting in the gates, and even after the gates open and the other horses are running their race, I'm (against all rational thought) holding back my horse. Imagine that horse's fury and desire to GO! That's how I feel so many times. And that's how God feels ALL the time.

Isaiah 42:13-16

"The Lord will march out like a mighty man, like a warrior He will stir up His zeal; with a shout He will raise the battle cry and will triumph over His enemies. 'For a long time I have kept silent, I have been quiet and held myself back. But now, like a woman in childbirth, I cry out, I gasp and pant. I will lay waste the mountains and hills...I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.'"

Come, Lord Jesus!

The Glory of God

2010-11-02T16:15:00.005-05:00

Yesterday as I was watching my girls play, I couldn't stop smiling. I felt so happy that God had given them to me (for this short time, I have to add). It hit me all of a sudden that God gave them to me to slow me down...to put me in this place where I would find Him...to wake up and see things fresh and new as I explored the world all over again with them...to find meaning in routines and actions and even words that I thought were meaningless or just "less". I like life a lot better this time around. A lot better.

A couple of years ago, God made me a beautiful promise. I had spent several years confused and upset, years of great things such as "motherhood" and "ministry". I was tormented by questions and thoughts like "Am I doing enough?", "Is God disappointed with me?" and "Where am I supposed to be?" I had planned and even committed to such a different life, and here I was...very, very normal in a very, very normal place doing very, very normal things. Well, after a couple years of difficult wrestling, the Lord made a covenant with me that changed my life. Backed up by His Word like crazy, it went something like this: "Lyndsay, I give you permission to let go of every single thing you think I want from you, and I ask you to do this: Live your life to be in an intimate, growing relationship with Me. Be consumed with knowing Me. Set your thoughts and desires on the unseen realm with Me. If you do this, I promise you will not miss anything I had for you to accomplish on earth." There's more, but that's the main point. I cannot describe how this utterly and completely set me free from my bondage. I believe this promise by faith, and have now for 2 years. I am a different person than I was then.

There is a peace in knowing that my only job is to be in love with Jesus and dwell in His love for me, because it puts "my day job" in proper perspective. There is a contentment in knowing that He promises to lead and guide my external affairs as my focus is NOT on them. As I say often in my blog, I may sound crazy but it's true. I was not fully alive, not for one moment, until I started living in light of this promise. I am fully alive to enjoy my kids, because they are not in the way of what "God wanted to do with my life." I am fully alive to enjoy my home, because God works on my heart while I work on the dishes. I am fully alive to be a joyful wife (Oh Lord help me be a joyful wife!), because God gets to choose who I spend my life praying for and ministering to...and my husband is #1 on that list. I admit I want to do more at times, because of the love He has given me for the nations and people in need. But I do trust His promise in this as well. He is the one at work, not me, and it will always be that way.

St. Irenaeus of Lyons (whoever he is, I'm not pretending to know) said, "The glory of God is man fully alive." My joy and freedom is that no matter what happens in my life, as seasons change and blessings, relationships, children, jobs, even temporary callings come and go, my first and foremost reason for living happens as I "sit down in His shade with great delight." (Song of Solomon) I've heard it said, and I'm adopting it as my own: I'm teaching my children to not be loving volunteers but to be voluntary lovers!

Church and My Kids

2010-11-01T15:21:00.004-05:00

My kids are hilarious.

We worship on Sunday mornings at the Vineyard here in Elizabethtown, and during the first hour of church, everyone stays together to sing. Then for the second hour, during the teaching, the kids have their own class to go to. It is usually really awesome for the whole family, and I love using that time to guide Selah in worshipping the Lord. (And Yemi, too.)

It's the kind of environment where no one would barely even hear you if you literally "shouted to the Lord", and you definitely can kneel down in prayer anytime you want without feeling weird. You can raise your hands and jump up and down if you want because no one would be distracted by you; they're too busy interacting personally with Jesus. You might think this is a wacky church, but all I can say is that people are being touched by the personal love of God in that time, which I hope can be said for all the congregations meeting in that hour, no matter what that looks like for them.

Well, anyway, all that to say that yesterday my kids were worshipping, and I don't know if it was for real or not, but as things were winding down, Selah yelled out "Jesus!" and then immediately Yemi yelled out "Jesus!" This happened as the instruments were quieting down and the worship leader was probably deciding whether or not to pray or sing more or whatever. Everyone kind of chuckled in an accepting and sweet way. Then before the worship leader could say anything else, and as the room had become completely quiet, Yemi yells out, "Amen!" It was just hysterical. The worship leader just laughed and said, "Okay, amen then."

Potty at the Party

2010-10-30T19:38:00.002-05:00

Selah just finished telling me the whole story about last night.

We went to a bonfire at our good friends' house, and we were all in the backyard having fun when Selah said she needed to go potty. So, I sent her in the house and kept an eye out for her as she walked the path (lit by hand carved jack-o-lanterns!) and went inside. I kept watching for her to come out, and finally about 10 minutes later, I told Jack we probably out to go get her and go ahead and be on our way home as well.

We joked as we walked that she was probably in there eating candy...

But, sadly, she was sitting on the toilet with no toilet paper! Tonight as I was putting her to bed, she told me, "I was sitting there yelling 'Mommy! Mommy!' and my booty was stinging, and I couldn't get up. Then I yelled out, 'Please, Jesus!'' The way she described it tonight made me laugh so hard! For now on, I'll go with her to the bathroom. Lesson learned.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-10-27T15:11:00.002-05:00

An Anniversary

2010-10-25T12:52:00.003-05:00

I didn't even know how to feel when she told me my flight back to Kentucky would be on October 25th. Much to (what was left of) my team's annoyance and disappointment, I had tearfully announced I would be leaving Mali, West Africa, and breaking my 2 year commitment as a Journeyman with the International Mission Board. My team leader made my travel plans for me, and I was set to leave on October 25th, 2000. What's ironic about this date is that I had begun my missionary experience on exactly October 25th, the year before.

God's funny.

And here it is, October 25th, 2010. Ten years later! I still have signs of malaria and mono, two illnesses that never quite leave the bloodstream. I still have vivid images that bring all kinds of emotions when I shut my eyes. I still have memories that make me laugh out loud. I still have pictures of my loved ones in my village sitting around my house, telling me every time I pass them that they do not look like that anymore. Five year old Fanto is no longer doing his cartwheel-pick-up-a-banana-peel trick. In fact, he is probably working a field, riding a bike with one flat tire if not two, and perhaps even has a girlfriend named Fatima. Ten year old Nana is probably cooking for her own kids now instead of her siblings, braiding people's hair in between meals, clucking her tongue in gossip about a neighbor. I can see it.

That year of my life was a wonder. As I look back, I can't help but think it was a movie I watched and not something I actually lived. The weirdest thing I feel is that I'm not still living it. There are some things I would do differently if I could do it again; but ultimately, I am the same person as I was then. I really did stand in awe of God that year, I really did walk hand in hand with Him in utter dependence and trust. I learned a proper fear and respect of my God; I learned perhaps step one in the process of genuine faith, like Hebrews 11 and 12 kind of faith. My heart is sore when I look back into that year that came and went a whole decade ago; I'm sad that I haven't been able to keep up any relationship with those families I love so much but thankful those relationships were made at all.

I have to end on this very happy note: I will see many of them again someday! In the air, there won't be the barrier of distance or years...I hope they'll believe me when I tell them I carried them in my heart my whole life.

The Mommy Post

2010-10-19T20:25:00.002-05:00

I am excited to say I am writing for my friend's blog now; it's called the Mommy Post! My friend's name is Megan, and we have been bestest girlfriends since our college years at Campbellsville University. She now is the beautiful mother of 2 beautiful girls- twins actually!

My little column for her blog is all about nutrition, especially food, meals, menus, etc. I am excited! Even though I'm not "a cook" by any means, I really do love the area of nutrition (and dare I say, even dieting?) I'm weird. But I am always looking for new healthy whole foods, as well as learning how to use food for what it was intended for! That's a little harder than it sounds.

This week's blog was about making healthy eating affordable, if you'd like to check it out. I feel like a dork, because I'm sure it's things everyone already knows, but I shared some rules of thumb that I live by anyway. :)

www.themommypost.com

Yemi's Morning-Through Her Eyes!

2010-10-15T10:15:00.005-05:00

So, today I woke up in my crib and bounced around for awhile. Mommy could even hear me downstairs in her bedroom with earplugs in! It was great fun, and I knew she would come in my room soon. She came in and said, "Good morning!" and found me with my pillow on the other side of the crib (I get bored) and my diaper off (I get wet). I said, with a huge grin, for the night time was over at last, "Goo mornin'! How doing?"

So Mommy let me wear a pull-up even though she knows I have no intention whatsoever of using the potty today, and we set off to make breakfast. I said, "Dip", which everyone knows means: "I want dry cereal on my tray and a little bowl of milk to dip it in." That was fun. I asked for "my-mins", which is my vitamins, but just like every other day of the week, Mommy said, "No, not until dinner."

After breakfast, I stomped my little foot and said, "Elmo. Now." And Mommy said a bunch of stuff that started with "young lady." I tuned out the rest, then she asked Jesus to make my heart tender and repentant! She's so silly. I went and got my purse and filled it with some things for the day, then put my coat on, and then I slipped on some pretty pink shoes that "Ra Ra" (some people choose to call her Selah) wore in a wedding one time. Then I said, "Okay, Momma! Let's go! I'm going! Bye bye!"

(This picture I am adding is one of my favorite faces. Its kinda like I'm saying, "I'm a little naughty, but also a little pitiful, so I deserve mercy.")

Mommy kept sweeping and doing dishes while I tried (I really did) to stay out of her dirt pile and the dishwasher. It's really hard for me to remember...and at last, it was Elmo time! Mommy and I scooted down the steps on our bottoms, and then I ran to my rocking chair, yelling, "Elmo's World!" very clearly, I might add.

It's not even lunch yet, and I've already gotten in trouble for getting into the stuff on the table, closing the piano thingy on my hand, getting into the library book bag, and let's see...what else? It doesn't matter. Mommy's giving me a big hug and kiss. It's a good morning.

One Word Wednesday: "HOME"

2010-10-13T13:23:00.006-05:00

Eden Eyes

2010-10-13T13:15:00.001-05:00

Our pastor on Sunday briefly talked about how Adam and Eve lived fully alive before sin. Their spiritual eyes were wide open. They lived fully because they were alive in the Spirit. Then with sin, their eyes were opened more fully to their physical realm instead, and closed to the spiritual realm. They didn't even realize they were naked even though they had bodies...until sin entered their lives. I always wondered why they "all of a sudden" saw they were naked, and now I get it. And it shows me how God is wanting to restore the Garden in our lives!

Because of Jesus, our eyes can be open again to who we are in Christ in the spiritual realm and give very little concern to all this in the physical realm. What does this look like in real life? Maybe these are a few beginning thoughts. There is a peace instead of worry, as Matt 6:25-34 says to seek first His Kingdom (ah ha, spiritual realm!) and then all these things (eat, drink, wear, do- all physical realm) will be given to you as well, because the Father knows what you need. There is a focus on the unseen, which is all over the New Testament, vs. a focus on the temporal. There is a joy as we find our Life in Him, apart from the cares of this world, and then once we find that completeness in Him, we bring it back into the world we see and feel...and honestly at that point even the most dire of situations has new perspective and we are able to be more than conquerors in Christ Jesus.

I am praying today that I would live fully alive (because this is a major problem for me!! I struggle with being bored, moody, unfocused, etc.), alive and aware like Adam and Eve were, in the spirit, before the fall of man. It's Fall outside, and it is beautiful. And the word "fall" has been on my mind all week, making me think of the fall of man, and how that fall turned us so inward and we became so consumed with self in that moment. The fall. It was a hard, shattering drop from perfect and at peace and in love with God to all of a sudden naked and ashamed, with eyes only for the physical realm they found themselves in. I believe God wants to bless us with Eden Eyes once again; because of Jesus, only because of Jesus, is it possible.

I think sometimes we consider ourselves responsible for many, many things, just like Martha. But Jesus is telling us there is one thing we are responsible for first and foremost and maybe even solely...and that is to be dwelling in Him, gravitating to Him in mind, heart, soul, and strength. Not spending our thoughts, desires, identity, and energy on what we can do for Him, but on Him. If we think that is too small or too easy or not enough, I believe God will show us differently when we enter in and try it. Staying gravitated toward the Lord all day is work, and it's the only work that brings rest. And as for the many things we are responsible for the earthly, physical realm, God gives us a supernatural motivation and ability for...as our eyes are not set on them.

alive!

2010-10-12T17:42:00.003-05:00

It is completely necessary to blog or journal or take pictures or do SOMETHING to commemorate today, because I felt great! It is such a relief to just feel healthy and good sometimes. My family and I have been sick for weeks, and we are all pretty much back to normal now--hallelujah! The leaves are changing, and I feel very sure that I missed autumn last year entirely because it feels like it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. (Last fall, I was sick and in bed basically as the leaves turned and then quickly fell.)

Selah is happy in school, and I love doing "home school" with her when she comes home everyday. For about an hour and a half, we do reading, writing, math, Spanish, piano, Bible verses/prayertime, and whatever homework the teacher sends home. We don't have time for all of that every day, but we just regularly do these things and it's such fun, good quality time together.

Yemi is talking more! She is pretty stubborn and still not doing well in potty-training, but she's a doll baby and she knows it. We've been having fun together. She is really into Elmo and Sesame Street, and as always Baby Einstein! We go to the Library every Wednesday for a class and she is learning to sit during a story and use the glue stick for crafts...it's a little crazy because that child has fire in her eyes and she doesn't enjoy settling in for a nice leisurely activity!

I give thanks for these days. I was so worried about what I should do, maybe go back to school, or how can I be more involved at church...and I cannot say what others should do, but for me, I'm supposed to be right here, right now, with all my heart. I can't do more than this. I am perfectly limited in God's will. And what I love about today is that I can see that clearly. That is indeed a gift!

Place in this World

2010-10-08T16:26:00.002-05:00

I am chuckling at my own title, because I'm singing Michael W. Smith's song to myself..."Trying to find a reason, searching through the night to find my place in this world, my place in this world..." And I'm sure I got the words wrong, because my brain is incapable (INCAPABLE I TELL YOU!) of remembering the exact words to songs! Even my own songs! Anyway...moving on.

Jack and I truly are searching through the night to find our place in this world. Good news is that we have found our place with each other and our dear little daughters. That is sure, and we find great fulfillment and comfort and thankfulness in that. Then above and beyond the family relationships, our place with Jesus--hidden in Him, alive in Him, complete in Him, tucked right in His arms bringing Him delight until the day we see His face--that's a place out of this world, actually, and it's all we really need.

But today through talking with some dear friends, I saw that God did make us all unique with specific gifts and talents that we need to work on and develop and feel free to spend our life doing...hopefully even doing for our career and income. Jack and I both feel like we were led astray a bit in our younger years, because we fit in the category of "called to vocational ministry" (meaning we would work for a Christian organization or church)...but I'm not sure that we fit there anymore. I'm not sure there are openings for us there, at least that would take care of our needs. We're not looking to be rich, but we do have to have money to live, unfortunately. I am fine with the fact that more and more opportunities in the church are volunteer...I'd even go as far as to say that's how it should be. However, that is what we went to school for and were trained to do. Now, we are left not fitting into any category.

I blogged before about what I would maybe go back to school for; it's fun to search and dream a little. But it's also a little stressful. Before kids, even before marriage, definitely before monthly bills, became a reality, the options did seem a little more open because the time and opportunity to work hard for those options seemed possible. Now, I just don't know.

I'll end my thoughts for today with this: I'd rather have a shortened life, a poor life, a difficult life even, doing what I was created to do than play it safe and just survive. So, may the Lord give us direction as we look at life in a new way.

It's late

2010-10-03T23:40:00.003-05:00

oh my word, it is late. I haven't been up until 1 a.m. in ages, and for good reason! But tonight, I ate too much chocolate and I have acid reflux and can't sleep. Pitiful, I know! It may set off my sleep clock for quite a while unfortunately, but sometimes its natural consequences such as these that wake me to reality...i.e. make me stop eating too much chocolate.

I never was very good at kicking bad boyfriends to the curb.

But I'm still trying.

What i really want to write about at this crazy late hour before I start my fun week of fall break with my girls, is: Careers. Currently, I do not have one. Since the age of 14, my heart was set on being a missionary. A missionary who learns languages, loves on people, does basic health care and education where needed, writes, and sings. That really is my heart right there, all wrapped up in one sentence. But what a big weird situation I'm in, seeing as how I am in a little town in Ky, doing very little of this dream job description.

How did I get here, how am I going to get out, am I supposed to get out? Ah, who knows except the Lord. I usually don't get too worried about, at least not these days because my life is full with what I DO have in my hands, leaving less time to care about what I do NOT have in my hands. But lately, with some job issues and such, and a few tiny thoughts about the future, I've been thinking...If being on the mission field isn't in the cards for me, what is? What is supposed to become of these parts of me that are not being used?

Here are some ideas of what I could go back to school for: Teaching ESL. Counseling (mental health/grief/pastoral/wellness). Campus ministry. Special Education. Something I could do with writing/languages. (I love words.) Hmm. I just never considered that I would need a skill or degree that would be useful in the United States; when I was in college, I was thinking about underdeveloped nations, and to be honest, I still am. But I can't imagine, with my health, and now with my daughters, living in the midst of that anymore. I didn't have a back up plan.

My girls will have to double major and get a sensible Masters Degree, that's all I ask. :)

The Poisonwood Bible

2010-09-27T12:55:00.002-05:00

Wowza. I read the Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver this weekend. My, how it brought me back.

Ten years ago, I lived in Mali, West Africa...for just one year. It's a year I remember better than any year of my life, and yet it doesn't feel like it's possible that it was THIS body that was there. It feels like another lifetime or a very long dream or a movie you grew up watching. I never talk about it, and I think that is because there are just no words. No one in my life was there to witness it with me, except one good friend who lives in TX now, and even with her, our memories are enough. It's just too heavy for words.

But this book. This author knows how to describe the taste, smell, feeling of an African village. She is remarkable, the sheer amount of lessons carefully weaved into this piece of historical fiction. It should be read by anyone going to Africa, period, especially going as a missionary. It's painful and scary, as is Africa! But it's beautiful and real, as is Africa as well. I realize I'm not giving any real thoughts or details here; I'm not even telling anyone to read the book, because it could mess you up entirely! But in my soul, it stirs what has always been there. It's not as raw and broken as it used to be, because I'm sealed inside this new season of life, a season of life where God has chosen a different slew of priorities for me. But it is still there. I'll always love the people of Africa with a huge portion of my heart; I hope some of them in the village of Dialakorobougou know it.

Lovely Thursday

2010-09-23T11:16:00.002-05:00

Ah, this is indeed lovely. I recognize that I am one of the very few moms out there with this luxury: My mom comes every Thursday to watch my kids. Sometimes she even does a little (or a lot of) house cleaning. It's a shot in the arm, in those months of sickness or in those days that I actually feel well enough to get out and have lunch with a friend. Oh, God bless my mother!

Today, I slept until 11:45. That would be 14 hours! For over a week now, I have been sleeping like a dream, oh my gosh, I cannot describe how miraculous it is to be sleeping without medication!!! I am off Ambien and Trazodone, and using a mixture of some natural things and it's working better than the officially serious drugs. (For any insomniacs out there: 3 mg Melatonin, 100 mg Phosphatidylserine, 200 mg Magnesium). Anyway, so what feels so great -and I just have to revel in it because my health has made me really depressed the last month and now things are looking up- is that I am CHOOSING to spend the day in bed today until my mom leaves, instead of being forced to. I feel great! I'm just going to listen to teaching CDs, read (I may even indulge in a little fiction), and later spend some time exercising, cleaning, and cooking. Thursdays are also especially fun because it's almost the weekend, where all bets are off as far as I'm concerned.

It's days like this that I must remember are coming, for sanity's sake. It's also days like this that remind me that people want to know how they can help. As moms, we stink at asking for help or clearly stating to our families/husbands/whatever what thing they could do that would rock our worlds. If we told them and planned for it, we might just be happier, relaxed, and have more "me" days than we thought possible...and I won't let anyone tell me that that's a bad thing! One last thought: It's days like this (where I feel well yet also have a chance to chill) that I can see clearly enough to know that eating junk food or candy IS NOT the sum total of fun and relaxation. I tend to think if I'm calling a total chill day that I must stock my bedside table with unhealthy foods and watch TV all day. But when i'm feeling well enough to use my little brain, I know that days like this can be a great time to perpetuate the wellness, not drive it to extinction!

Still Thinking About Songs

2010-09-12T11:36:00.003-05:00

Well, so far today has not worked out how I planned...it is better!

We wanted to go to church; Yemi and I have strep throat, but are not contagious anymore, and we needed to get out of the house! But at about 11 a.m., she decided she needed an early nap, so I've had the luxurious privilege of about 2 hours with the Lord. I was listening to some teaching by Martha Kilpatrick (amazing!), and then I saw on my iTunes where I had recorded some "new" songs last fall.

I have laid it down, this singing thing. I don't think about it often. But...when I am reminded that I am a singer-songwriter, when I reminded of these old and new songs, when I sing, something kind of wakes up on the inside. There are a whole 10 people waiting for me to make a new CD, and that is enough motivation for me! However, there are so many things holding me back. Let me explore that real quick...

I need a band. Quite honestly, my piano ballads with just my voice are a bit boring. Yet, that is what I write, and I need a producer and band to give energy and life to my lyrics and melodies. What I produce completely on my own just isn't enough for an entire CD; I have more than enough songs, I just need some additional input from several others who "get" me. That is hard to find.

It's been a hard year, and so many times I have thought I may never get to be behind the piano singing my own concert again. Throat problems, health problems, time problems. I actually, on a spiritual level, needed to get away from it; I needed to come to the place where I knew I couldn't do anything for the Lord until I learned to do nothing for Him. But I think, just for fun, it is going to happen again. Maybe even soon! I'm dreaming of a little concert where I just am who I am. I'm not great on the guitar, that's a fact; I'm not interesting on the piano, another fact! BUT I can just be who I am where I am...and trust God will use that.

If you happen to be a "fan", pray for me. That's all I need. I seek Him first and He can add whatever He wants. :)

Waiting for my Eggs to Boil

2010-09-03T08:38:00.002-05:00

Literally, I am waiting for my eggs to boil. Yemi is in her highchair eating cinnamon toast (no sugar of course), and I thought I'd blog for a minute waiting for my eggs to become as hard boiled as possible. (I hate soft boiled eggs!)

So...I thought I'd briefly just share some random thoughts. Someday I will be cool enough to put a picture along with each thought, but today is not that day. Someone on Facebook said that Facebook is causing narcissism among young adults, so in honor of that, here's a post with every sentence starting with "I".

I - have a sore throat and plan to spend my day on the couch as much as possible.

I- am giving up on potty training Yemi for awhile. I'm just not sure she understands.

I- found out yesterday Yemi's speech is perfectly normal, if not advanced, much to my surprise.

I- am reading Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ by 18th century writer Madame Jeanne Guyon and it is amazing.

I- have worn out my John Mark McMillan CD.

I- am going to church with my family 3x a week now, which is a really nice improvement over zero!

I- cannot lose a pound. Not even one. Counting carbs, eating crazy well, no sugar, exercise 5 days a week. Not a pound.

I- am happy it's Friday and a 3 day weekend...more time with Selah and fun family days. No major plans, but it'll just be good. I like the norm very much, but it's just fun to get out of it sometimes.

Singing...

2010-08-31T11:48:00.002-05:00

"Give me oil in my lamp

keep it burning, burning, burning

Give me oil in my lamp I pray;

Give me oil in my lamp

keep it burning, burning, burning

keep it burning 'to the end of days'."

Someone sang this last night at Elizabethtown House of Prayer (EHOP)--which i LOVE, by the way--and it just resonated with me. I have no idea how long ago it was that I heard this song, but probably it was with children. It's just a little children's song...but it is the sum of my prayers these days!

I have a great life, but I am still in a place at all times when I am desperate for the Lord to fill me with motivation, joy, and energy FOR the life and daily tasks and relationships He has given me. I am lazy, I am lost...I would choose TV and sugar over obedience and love, I would. Every day would be a struggle over SELF, in one way or another. If it wasn't laziness or depression, it would be ambition and accomplishment, pride, overachieving. He is my hope, my new mercies every morning to live my days with Him and for Him. And I also think of how I need His fire to burn in me, not just for fire and motivation to obey, but the refining fire of holiness. I want to come out of every season of the soul, every season of this temporal life, the good, bad, and ugly, shining. Our faith is imperishable, it is better than gold, (1 Peter 1) and my prayer is-- both in the small everyday trials and at the end of days-- that I (my faith) would come out shining! His fire in me is the only way.

Also, in this song, we're asking Him that when He returns, we'd be ready. We'd be those watchmen on the wall...we'd be those brides waiting, with plenty of oil for the whole night long, not running dry mere moments before the Groom arrives to retrieve them and rescue them! I think about how much attention we pay to everything temporal and how little attention we pay to everything that matters. He tarries His return because He waits for the sons of God to wake up and be found in Him upon His arrival. I'll end this post with one more song about the same thing...it's by Misty Edwards, and this is just a snippet of it.

"Come be the fire inside of me

come be the flame upon my heart

come be the fire inside of me

until You and I are one..."

The Break Up

2010-08-27T16:05:00.002-05:00

This week, I did something I've known I needed to do for a long time.

I broke up with sugar.

It was a clean break, no negotiations.

It wasn't exactly mutual, but he'll just have to get over me.

Or is the other way around?

Sugar is like a bad boyfriend, really. After the break-up, he has showed up everywhere I am. I'm like, "Really? Seriously?" I mean, come on! Like I want to see him every time I see my friends!

I told him we could rendezvous a little on holidays, but we will not be alone together under any circumstances!

It would be nice to never be near him again, but alas...this is not realistic. He'll be hanging around forever, sometimes even hidden when I least expect him. However, I am sure that this was the right decision for me. He was not good to me, and he's never going to change!

Life is sweet enough without him. (So take that!)

Love Song

2010-08-24T19:36:00.003-05:00

"I can't understand this work of grace

how a perfect God would come and take my place...

Stars, they don't move you

the waves can't undo you

the mountains in their splendor cannot steal your heart;

this God who is holy

perfect in beauty

awesome in glory

is ravished by my heart...

Though I'm poor You say I am lovely

though I'm dark You say I am beautiful...

Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You

somehow my weak love has stolen away Your heart..."

I can't stop singing this song, even though I have known it for over a year now. I feel like I have fallen deeper into grace than I ever have before. The fact is, I am an over achiever and while I consciously don't realize my self righteousness, I do believe that I can accomplish my goals on my own. I am upset when I can't. And I've fallen deeper into grace because this week I saw once again where my striving gets me! There truly is nothing good in me. Even if I was meeting every expectation that I set out for myself, emphasis on I, it would only be because of God's amazing grace, strength, and help anyway. It's crazy how in the midst of this utter realization of my power, or lack of power I should say, that is when God brings me one step deeper and farther into holiness and His path and even seemingly impossible challenges to obey. To me, this is so backwards! In my mind, I would think that if I "failed" and was truly unable, God would (at best) kinda leave me alone...but instead it seems as if He is glad I know now what He always knew, and even better, is totally crazy in love with me

As I heard someone sing last night, "I hide in the wounds of the Lamb." This means to me that I expect to live a holy life, not a never ending cycle of sin/forgiveness that means nothing to me, but at the same time, despite my greatest hopes of how I can obey my sweet Savior, I must live in the knowledge of my desperate flesh which would overcome me without His grace.

Eloisa

2010-08-20T19:44:00.005-05:00

(This is just a random pic of Selah and Yemi!)

I am so excited tonight! We have been sponsoring a child in Ethiopia through World Vision forever, and this month we found out he had aged out of the program. He is out of school and his family moved away. So, we were able to pick out a new child to sponsor and I had always thought it would be great for Selah to do the choosing when she got old enough to understand.

Last year, I was explaining child sponsorship to her, and after I finished she said, "Mom, you adults might call it sponsorship, but I call it sharing." She was just four years old when she said that. Her words instantly brought tears to my eyes, because that's exactly what it is. I'll be honest in saying how much I wish we could and would sponsor more children, because even though our budget is tight and sometimes difficult to even buy groceries, we still have so much more. We have so many luxuries that we call necessities. I think about this a lot, and pray for a constant re-evaluation before the Lord in this matter. I trust Him to tell us what changes to make and how to "share" more, as He has in the past.

So, tonight Selah picked out a little girl named Eloisa, from Mexico. She shares Selah's birthday, same year as well, so they are both five years old. She loves to play dolls, just like Selah. It is really neat to think that they will grow up together, just in different countries. We have learned some Spanish and want to learn a lot more, so I like that Selah picked a girl from Mexico. And it's a plus that she's not that far away, so there is great possibility that we could visit her someday! It is totally my dream that if we don't live overseas, that we visit and develop relationships and share Jesus as often as possible with many different tribes and tongues. God will have to work that all out...I have a lot of dreams!

And one came true tonight!

Songs

2010-08-19T13:24:00.003-05:00

I am a singer-songwriter, I suppose...because I sing and write songs. But it has been a very weird year in regard to actually doing that! Back in October of 2009, I started having problems with my throat. It got better, and when it did, I started doing some Christmas concerts and felt really revived again in the desire to get out and sing. I had a lot of fun singing other people's songs and my own at Christmastime last year...at the nursing home, a house concert, and some other things. But my throat and my health in general took a horrible turn in December. I had my second long bout with illness (Oct, then Dec.) and the last concert I sang at, I felt so sick that it began to affect me emotionally. I was really shaken by this experience, by my body's inability to "pull it together", and by not being able to make my voice do what it used to do!

January through April were really hard. In my heart, I was at peace that even if I never sang again, it was okay...it was God's gift anyway, not mine. (Plus, I truly know that singers are a dime a dozen! Big deal if little me stops singing!) What was hard was that every day I got up and was tired and in pain. I was trying to grow in the Lord but had a hard time getting through the day with my kids. I felt guilty for not "feeling" like doing things I should do, and I was sad that I was treating my sleep disorder with meds but still not feeling good the hours I was awake.

I'm not sure what made me do it, but I finally decided to go to see a holistic nurse practitioner. I started to see changes almost instantly, because of following guidelines in books I was reading about adrenal fatigue. Although I have to labor in the process daily to be well, I am a different person! And lately I've wondered about singing again...I think for now that the answer is no, for a multitude of reasons...but that doesn't mean I don't have a song in my heart! I want to share a few of the words from the songs resonating with me right now.

Skeleton Bones by John Mark McMillan

"I want Your blood to flow inside my body

want Your breath inside my lungs

we just want to love You, we just want to love You...

Skeleton bones stand at the sound of eternity on the lips of the found

so separate those doors and let the son of resurrection in"

I mean, WOW! Eternity on our lips. The incarnate Christ living inside of us. No part of us untouched and unfilled with His resurrection power. We are alive: alive to our daily tasks, alive to loving the people God puts in our home and path, alive to the purposes and heart of God, because and only because of Him.

Something I learned this week is that when I am weak, like when I am disobeying, or just out of it, distant from communion with God, I have not strayed from God's banner of love and delight over me, I have simply strayed from MY ABILITY to SEE His love and delight over me. This is beautiful to me. My inconsistencies do not change Him, they change me. And in the same way, my fighting to stay in His presence does not change Him, it changes me. Christ is always alive in me, whether I'm sick or well, awake to life or asleep in darkness, through a hard season or a joyous one, in using gifts in conspicuous ways or being held back for a while to just BE in the Lord.