Mary Beth's Book

Before I hand it back to my friend, I wanted to make sure I didn't miss writing about Mary Beth Chapman's book, Choosing To SEE. I picked it up and like any great book, I could not put it down. I think I read most of it standing up even, before I realized I was hooked and gave in to the cozy chair in my dining room.

Mary Beth and her husband, Steven Curtis, who I'm sure you've heard of if you've ever listened to a Christian radio station in your life, have lived through an incredible journey. She tells briefly of her life--marrying, seeing his career take off, having 3 children, and then adopting 3 little girls from China. Those stories are inspiring and I love their heart for adoption. Reading this book made me want to adopt again regardless of several sensible reasons I have to not adopt again, at least not at this time. They have also started two ministries, one of which personally affected our family. I'll never forget the day I got the letter saying we were receiving a HUGE grant for our adoption in 2008 from Shaohannah's Hope! This ministry helps Christians adopt, since finances are often an issue. Their other ministry is Maria's Big House, which is a home to many babies and children in China who have severe special needs and may never be adopted. (Just as a side note, I am learning that with governments slowing down what was already a slow process in regard to international adoptions, working with ministries who are on the ground in these countries helping orphans who will never be adopted is an extremely valuable ministry. I love that we grew our family through adoption and would do it again in a heartbeat, but sponsoring children, visiting them, and supporting ministries like the Chapmans have birthed, may be the path my fire is going to take...but I still want to be a mommy to more of them as well!)

So, the second half of the book is about the last 3 years of the Chapman's lives, and those are the most painful years and the most painful pages. She describes the days surrounding their daughter Maria's death; how this "sweet and sticky" 5 year old left this earth to meet Jesus; and what the Lord has done in this family's life since that tragic day that changed their whole world. Mary Beth talks about the community that surrounded them, that was an amazing picture painted. Something that really gripped me was that in their grief and loss, they really had to decide if they believed...if they believed in the reality of Heaven, if all this Jesus stuff was TRUE or not. Because if it was true, then yes, they could grieve with hope. They couldn't get stuck (and they didn't) in the place of "why"; they were so mature and humble to not stay there! Their hope was not in being able to ever understand. Their hope was set on the truth of the gospel, that Jesus was with Maria and that they would all be together again someday when this short life is over.

There are some miraculous events that happened to them as encouragements from the Lord. Little things that were just sweet of Him. One of my best friends has said to me after a tragic event in her life: "The Lord has been so sweet to me this week." It takes a lot of faith and humility before the Lord to say this, and these fellow sufferers have that in common. Suffering really does make us come face to face with what we believe, and face to face, eye to eye, with our Savior. None of us would choose suffering, but it's worth it...ouch...that hurts to even say that, but I know its true. He really has overcome the world, this world He promised would be full of trouble. The great news is that when we are surrendered to Him and not holding on to our way and our wants anymore, it is a win-win situation. Earth, Heaven, life, death. In all four, we have Jesus, if He is our everything. I believe this perspective is the key that so many believers carry--all around the world Christians are living in unimaginable realities, and have the peace of Christ.

The last thing I was left with:

The Chapmans believe that God has entrusted them with "hard" and they feel it is their responsibility to steward it well. That is astounding. And true. And a new thought to me! It is making me think in those terms..."What have I been entrusted with? How can I steward it well as unto the Lord?" This story is an ugly thing for their teenage son, Will, who was driving the car that hit Maria, to learn how to steward well. I'm sure he is saying, "Anything else, Lord, anything, but not this!" So, the seemingly good (talents, skills, spiritual gifts), the seemingly bad (our pasts, weaknesses, even sins we keep fighting), the seemingly pointless (difficulties or disabilities we personally face in relationships or jobs, stuff that is happening with our kids that we are just trying to get through), and even the seemingly ridiculous (quirks and weird stuff that God deposited in us that makes us us) are things we have been entrusted with and must decide to and learn to be good stewards of. No skeletons in no closets, friends! Nothing unusable. Hmm...

I recommend reading the book, even though it brought on a couple of speechless days and dream filled nights. While she tells the whole story of the accident, she doesn't dwell on that; she moves quickly and intently through the rest of the story. Anyone who has grieved will gain insight into their own pain through reading this book and those of us that have not experienced anything of this sort can truly benefit as well! I've said for a long time (as Martha Kilpatrick's personal puppet) that we MUST develop a theology for suffering! It's here and it's not going away; what does it mean and what do we do with it? This book shows a family who has developed their theology for suffering and millions are growing stronger in their faith as they steward their story well.

Ah...Breathing Again

I have no idea what I have learned from the past two or three weeks. It's just been weird and a blur and I would like to be able to say that I handled it well. Instead, I'm exhausted and just now beginning to resurface.

Okay, that may be a little overdramatic! But I am honest in saying that I have to look at my calendar to remember what happened!

So...it all started in an effort to be open minded. That was my first mistake, haha. Jack and I love the idea of moving and starting fresh somewhere; we love the idea of doing a ministry together; we are dreamers and adventurers and sometimes you get tired of talking and you say, "Let's do it! Why not now?"

We have looked at a couple opportunities, which interviews went pretty far, only to spend weeks praying, journaling, discussing until we're sick of talking, making pros and cons lists, and even making some preparations to move, seemingly for nothing. I had a hard time sleeping and my biggest regret is I had a hard time connecting with the Lord. I felt chaotic inside as these decisions were being worked through and I hated it; yet I wanted to be open minded enough to consider these changes, because they were opportunities that I really could see us doing someday and we both are kind of looking for a change. I couldn't say: "God is telling us to do this." But I shy away from saying that like I used to. Did God tell me to do Sister Bridge or make this CD? I don't know! I prayed for years about these things and the desire didn't leave and the opportunity came. Same with adoption, homeschooling, and many other things I've committed to.

So I'm breathing again because of the two things I was able to articulate with some of my students today with their help (the adult ones, haha! I don't usually verbally process to my elementary age piano kids!)

#1 I feel like I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready for a season change, that God is not asking me for a season change yet. Pursuing Him, focusing on my marriage and kids and home, is truly a full time job. I wasn't looking for more, and when "more" came knocking, it was not necessarily tempting, it was just that I wanted to make sure I wasn't being closed minded if it was the Lord. But I think, THINK, that God is saying if we move it needs to be for Jack's job/calling, not mine, because mine is non-negotiable right now. As much as I love missions, adoption, worship leading, singing/songwriting, etc., I can only do those things so much as they take their place in priority well under those other things I mentioned. I feel a peace in my spirit about that and am going with it!

#2 If I am wrong and I am just throwing away opportunities to do some neat stuff where the Lord would work past my limits and through my weaknesses, which I know for sure He CAN do, then I will simply miss out. I am choosing to take that risk. I know He sees my heart and my motives are pure, to the best of my knowledge. If I can't handle what other women handle in their schedules or hearts or minds, who cares? I have to live by MY limits, meaning when I get to the place where I am missing HIM in the fullness I could have Him in, and I am missing my husband and kids in the fullness I could offer to them, which happens to me often, then I have to take a big step back and make sure I am being faithful to the calling I have received. So, all that to say, I may be missing the mark big time, but if I am, I am doing it for Him. I just can't take the risk of missing what matters most.

It bothers me that during these days of decision making, I felt so distant and dizzy. Surely God didn't want me looking at anything or anyone but Him during these days...but I just couldn't think or see straight. Hope God has mercy on my pitiful self when I really do have to make a big life change! :)

But for the time being, whether we move or not is uncertain, but I do know I am not open to anything that would feel like it was a stumbling block to that which I refuse to lose in the shuffle. I heard the quote somewhere that when your priorities are clear, your decisions are easy. Wish I would have remembered that 2 weeks ago.

Breathing Out Gratefulness Today

I am truly breathing out gratefulness today. I have a blurry mind full of bits and pieces of images, words, and feelings, but it's all good. I'm thinking about how girls in Bible study last night said that beauty is defined to them as "inner peace in the midst of chaos", that huge smile Yemi gave me when she turned around in her stroller to look at me today, and the wonderful feeling of my soft blankets which I crashed in just a bit ago!

It crosses my mind often: I live a charmed life! It is so cool to be able to like what you have and love where you are and what you're doing. I am obviously so blessed to have 2 healthy and radiant daughters, much more energy and health than I have had in years, a wonderful and supportive extended family, my dear husband, and the list truly does go on. But it does occur to me that there have been plenty of seasons of life where I had lots of beautiful God gifts in my life but still was hoping for one thing more, one something more.

I am just breathing out gratefulness today because God has given me the grace and peace to live MY life, which means to me that I am accepting and trying to give my best to what He has clearly put in my lap. I'm not looking for more, and I am not searching for my importance by finding more to invest in. Maybe you've always been there, but little Miss Overachiever here did not always know that peace and rest in my soul. What's really neat, too, is that as knowing Jesus takes first place in what I really care about, a relaxation settles in about the other things I am called to do. It's not that those things (singing, making the CD, Sister Bridge, being a mom and wife) aren't important or that I don't care about them, it's just I realize they are not MINE. They really are God's and for His sake. When we aren't concerned about our legacy or reputation anymore, the floodgates of freedom really do open wide! Freedom to just want Him, not get "our panties in a wad" about things, even good God things, and freedom to let Him do what He wants through us as our eyes are elsewhere...

Maybe it's kind of like baseball. I never was good at hitting the ball. When people said, "Keep your eye on the ball", I really wanted to hit them instead of the ball. ARGH! I mean, what does that mean??? Anyway, supposedly if you had your eye only on the ball, you could trust that your arms and the bat and whatever must move to hit the ball would swing around and do its job naturally. But your attention needed to be solely on that ball. Not on your arms or the bat. Same with Jesus. When our goal is to seek His face and know Him better every day, everything else falls into place. I am learning to not keep track or look at what I'm "doing for the Lord". I can hardly stand to even write those words because it's just not like that anymore, thank the Lord! I get far too impressed with myself, or far too upset with myself, and God wants our attention on Him, not ourselves. I'd really like to go through life oblivious and unaware, trusting that as I continually am emptied of myself (sin, opinions, hardheaded ways) and then filled with Him in a living and genuine way, that HE will have freedom to use my life (and I don't have to know about it.)

Well, thanks for reading...More from Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow next. It is such a good book about being the wife God is calling me to be. :)

Sister Bridge

There are several things that I really love and it is super fun and exciting when those things collide. Sister Bridge is a collision of many favorites: I love the nations and missions, I love beautiful material, purses, natural looking jewelry, and quilts, and I love sisters in Christ standing together and helping one another out!

There are such amazing ministries and devoted missionaries out there who are living among the poor, the least of these, widows, and orphans. I love sponsorship, adoption, and mission trips...but there's always need, therefore there's always more room for great ideas! And I've had the desire for a long time to be a representative or "middle-woman" you could say between these ministries/missionaries with good ideas and the people they are helping and everyone here in my small circle of friends and family. I've always wanted to be a voice, and I just had to "die" to it. All the talking, blogging, song-writing, singing, wanting to do something...God definitely wanted me to lay it down and stop worshipping the desire to be useful. And laid down it was.

When all of a sudden this summer I had the opportunities fall in my lap to start connecting with these ministries that gave a skill and an income to at-risk women in three countries, I was surprised! But the timing was right. It is such a joy to just enjoy this, and let God build the house. I want to be really clear that Sister Bridge is nothing more than an idea and I needed a quick noun to say "the people that get the inventory and organize selling it to people in the U.S., connecting women to women all around the world!" You can simply go through Sister Bridge to help these women in Cambodia, Indonesia, and Swaziland...OR you can go online yourself and purchase things! (The Cambodia one, not yet, but hopefully soon we can help them make a website/shipping availability).

As I said, all we are doing is getting the inventory here and keeping track of the money getting back to the ministries. NO ONE profits from this except for the women themselves, and these organizations reaching out to them are fantastic. If you are interested in the 3 ministries and want links to their websites, just check out Facebook.com/SisterBridge. We have items to sell especially in this time of year when people are shopping for Christmas gifts; not sure what inventory we will keep after that. We can give you everything you need to have a party or just bring to your small group, bunco, girls night out, whatever. The items are gorgeous, incredibly reasonable in price (most things are under $20), and original...not to mention the point here: partnership with women who are so much like us who simply do not have the same opportunity for their needs to be met.

I pray Sister Bridge can truly be a bridge between "us" and "them", connecting us until we really do live with equality on our minds and compassion in our hearts. This desire to make a difference, or "do something", is a journey of our own hearts and minds changing. There is no quick leap. And living how we live, surrounded by this constant slurring of our needs and wants, sometimes it feels impossible to ever cross that bridge! I don't believe in just "doing something"; His sheep must know His voice. If helping women in this tangible way is something you'd like to do this season, just contact me and we can help make it happen.

Health Stuff

It is about time to change my blog picture! No more running through the slip and slide...however, I think yesterday it would have been okay, since it was at least 80 degrees! You won't find me complaining...til January! No, I have every intention to enjoy all the seasons, even if I have the personal opinion that winter takes over too much of the year!

Anyway, just wanted to write about my pursuit of healthiness today. A long time ago, I wanted to do some nutrition info groups at my house and blog more often about the things I had learned, things that got me back into the land of the living! But honestly, January through May 2011, I felt like crud again and didn't have much passion to share anything with anybody! Then in June, I started feeling so much better, started waking up early and going running 5 mornings a week, and just all kinds of amazing differences. So, I just wanted to briefly share encouragement of how that came to be in case anyone else needs a little hope...

First of all, Jesus. Always it's going to be: First of all, Jesus. Surrendering my health and future to Him, going through the process of accepting whatever He chose for "my" life which is really His, was a huge part of my journey. Before I got better, I truly had peace that my life was just as valuable and full in bed as it is up and doing all these things, because my LIFE is hidden in Christ and cannot be touched by the things of the physical realm. Amen! Coming to this truth is a long journey that I am still on.

Secondly, I read a book "Tired of Being Tired" by Jesse Lynn Hanley and saw Shelly Roby at Nova Medicine in E-town. I began to live by the knowledge (not perfectly at all, but applying what I could) and taking special pharmaceutical grade supplements that Shelly saw through my blood work that I was depleted of. I did this for a year before I saw improvement, but now I am so glad I persevered! I know now that our food just does not have the nutrients in it that we need, so I eat incredibly well plus take these things. The cost is so much lower than meds I was taking...and I am on NO prescriptions now.

Third, I read (so randomly it seems but it was the hand of God) this tiny paragraph that said, "Sometimes patients who have underwent gall bladder surgery need to be cleansed of the toxins introduced to their bodies under anesthesia. They simply need to do a liver cleanse and take Kyolic garlic supplements in large quantities." OH MY GOSH. I thought, "How amazing would that be if it worked?" I had that surgery in Africa in 2000. I did what the book said, and that is really when I started to see improvement, in about 4 weeks. I felt so well I literally began running 5k's. I definitely still need 11 hours of sleep a night or I crash back into all the old symptoms, and I must continue in all the other therapy included in the book "Tired of Being Tired", but everything is manageable usually if I do what I know.

For anyone tired, not sleeping well, overweight, sick often...read that book! It's like $4 on Amazon! I have definitely learned how important it is to invest in my health, because I'm not sure how other people are, but I struggle emotionally, socially, spiritually, and mentally if my physical stuff is a wreck. If I haven't gotten enough sleep, I make poor food choices, I'm more likely to feel depressed, I do not have perspective with my husband and kids, and then I'm an emotional mess. It's like I can choose to live in a pit and live my life always climbing out of it...OR I can avoid the pit altogether as often as possible. Disciplines like time with God, exercise, and eating healthy don't always feel like they fit in my "I just wanna be carefree" mood...however, by doing these things, I am much more carefree!

It's definitely a passion of mine to share these tiny tidbits I have learned with women who are not getting to live up to their potential, so if you are reading this and want to talk about any part of it, I am available!! Just let me know, and we'll do this together. :)

Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow

I have had this book Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow on my shelf for many years, and have read it many times. If nothing comes of all of this moving stuff around, and we stay here in this house another decade, finding this book will have been worth the mess! I was -okay, am- finding myself in a difficult season of marriage. We are going on 11 years! Yay Us! But certain things in our relationship that are steady and constant are not very good things, and certain things that are good are not steady and constant. I bet you know what I mean.

So I needed a good dose of truth. A talk with a friend really helped me realize some things about myself and brought some perspective. It was hard to talk about it, because I know I am blessed and don't like to be negative and complaining. But sometimes it is just good to hear myself say certain things out loud and look at them out there in the air...I needed to remember I am responsible for myself, my reactions, my heart attitude, and that I must stay in total humility and desperation before Jesus because I do not love my husband like I should, but HE DOES! Hallelujah! And when I don't love my husband like I should it is not because of my husband, friends, it is because of me. Regardless of the details, Jesus can give me love to give, but I have to do the work to stay in that place of receiving (so that I can give).

So, this book...Yes, that's the thing I want to share. This one paragraph says so much. Chapter One excerpt:

"Yes, there are frustrated wives, just as there are frustrated engineers, airplane pilots, and karate instructors. But the frustration does not stem from the nature of the work; rather, it comes from the boredom inevitable in any job done poorly or unimaginatively. (OUCH and HELLO!!! I like this woman. She's a truth-teller.) A creative counterpart is more than just a helper. She is a woman who, having chosen (or having found herself in) the vocation of wife and mother, decides to learn and grow in all the areas of this role and to work as hard as if she were aiming for the presidency of a corporation."

The fact is, I did sign up for this. No one forced me to marry, and no one forced me to marry the specific man I married. I am so lucky to have had that choice and my daughters will have that choice as well. Maybe we chose or will choose other vocations as well, but that doesn't mean that we are not responsible for being excellent at this particular vocation of wife or mother or just woman. It's a beautiful task. Women are amazing, and I want to keep perpetuating that good image, especially in a world where men and women alike value women by their weight, looks, or accomplishments outside the home. Hey, I think weight, looks, and accomplishments outside the home are fine and dandy...but they are not the most important thing, by far! We can, by God's grace, be professionals at this. I am encouraged and challenged by this!

Secret Place: The Job of Our Lives

I am just struck tonight by a secret that I don't want to keep secret. There is a secret place, and those of us who are "in Christ" know this...we know that we could be in a living hell on earth but we have a Life hidden with God in Christ, and that life can ALWAYS be thriving, abundant, lush, full of laughter and pure joy. Our Life makes us strong and shining in our life, if we develop this Life. It's a secret place, we go there alone; it's the throne of God, the lap of God, the face of God. Friends can remind us of that place, oh thank the Lord for friends that draw us to remember or find this intimacy with our Father, but we go there alone. We look eye to eye with Him, and by faith, we dwell there. We connect, like when you lay down next to your child or spouse or dog (haha) and just have some face time. And this is where we draw our strength, perspective, focus, and LIFE.

It's like finding out you won a million bucks, going to sleep, and when you wake up, you remember you won million bucks yesterday! It wasn't a dream. YAY! That's how the secret place is. There is relief, there is always good news, there is something beyond all this, and we have it right now. WOW! Life gets so hectic and troublesome, and I mess up so very much, and I'm so tired of myself...and I want some relief. I go to the Lord and lay myself before Him in the secret place, and it's an oasis for my spirit! I go and I say, "Jesus, I don't have to feel anything, I come by faith! I want to give myself to YOU, You don't have to give anything to me!" But He does. He leads us beside still waters, He restores our soul. There really is a hiding place, an oasis...we can wake up from the sometimes bad dream of life and enter into our eternal life, anytime, any place, through intimacy and connection to His Word, praising Him, repentance, surrender, talking, listening, teaching, friends who love Him.

Keeping our life consumed with Jesus is THE job of our lives. I personally don't have room to get caught up with anything else, if I am going to make knowing Him the job of my life. I do other things, I care about other things, hopefully all that He has told me to do and care about, but those things ARE NOT the job of my life. Those things are just...obedience...they'll come and go. They're passing. I wasn't created for them. I used to think that stuff for God, stuff that was about God and His people, and knowing God personally was the same effort, the same job. Oops! It sure does take a load off when you can obey the Lord without all that burden. The job of my life is to know Him and believe Him, and while that is not heavy, it is all consuming work.

One thing I run to the Lord and hide from is myself. I just want to be so honest here. When I write a blog or talk at a concert or something, I am always honest and I am always 100% myself. But most likely when I am writing or talking or singing, I have just come from having intense and intentional times with the Lord, I am somewhat drunk in the Spirit, and if you see freedom, or confidence, or joy, or truth, you are seeing Jesus. Sometimes I am consistent with this "being intentional" with the Lord, and I am very blessed when He helps me do that. I love those steady times, such ground gets covered, oh it's just so wonderful and I'm an idiot to not continue in it! But many other times, I'm sitting in a pit, and I'm a fool. A literal, biblical fool. The good news is, despite my example, we ALL have the opportunity offered to us to have the most fantastic relationship with God EVER MADE, if we will go with Him and make it. We can go where "no man has gone before"...if we want.

I wrote a song in the past month and I don't really like it, but there's one line I love. It says: "I am ruined for anything less, I am ruined for anything less than the fullness." Yeah. May we be ruined for anything less. Unable to go back after what we have experienced in Christ. Lose our appetite for the world. Move on past baby milk, move on past old sins. Crave repentance and obedience and God's delight in us, and not have room for craving other's attention, approval, and applause. Forget that stuff ever ruled us. Amen.

Content to Go, Content to Stay

It really has been a long time since I blogged! Usually Monday evenings are my only chance to write (and do many other things!) since my mom and dad take my girls for the night. Yay! I absolutely love having them home, but it is definitely nice to have 24 hours to do other things. Like clean the basement where 1/4 of it was gutted due to mold, prepare for leading songs at Open House on Saturday, get stuff in piles for Goodwill, go for a walk...You get the picture.

So, of all the things rolling around in my mind, what do I actually want to write about?

I will tell you that last week we prayed about moving to Cincinnati. Jack really wants to be back in youth or college-age ministry, and we have always talked about being open to moving. Now when it got down to it, when we truly were considering the move, it was so overwhelming. How do you do it? Oh my gosh! I had visions of myself grabbing onto the front step and not letting go. I thought, "What about that playground we just built outside one year ago? Okay. That settles it. We cannot leave it there all alone!!" But of course the realistic sacrifice, the hardest thing to let go of, are our family and friends. Grandad in the nursing home, Jack's mom rarely in good health, my mom and dad, their closeness to our girls, friends who are family. Not that any of the family needs us; we are not in that kind of position or relationship where anyone depends on us, but just being around, mainly for them to get hugs from grandkids, is what makes my heart hurt when I really think about moving. And Cincinnati was just a couple hours up the road!

Jack said no to the position...Just was not the right thing at the right time. But at the same time we were discussing that possible move, we had sent off our resume and application to a nondenominational Christian boarding school/academy in Texas. With all the pulling on my heart strings aside, I absolutely love the idea of moving to live at this place! It really would be a fun adventure for our family, all of our needs met, including school for the girls if we decided to let them go instead of homeschool some day. The job is resident parents, and we would live with 8 other kids/teens. Today we got an email saying they would like to have a "phone visit".

I don't begin to think I know what will come of this. There's a part of me that says, "Are ya crazy? Why would you leave when you are so loved here?" but then there's another part of me that says, "But Jack isn't getting to do what he loves here, OR be with his family much for that matter, and it is awesome to know that we are free to go...and come back, too, if we want to." I can honestly say I am happy here, and have a very full life. But certain ideas would get me out of here in an instant, such as the idea of starting a home or care point for street kids in Ethiopia, or something where as a family we are getting to be ourselves, use our gifts, and share Jesus with people who need Him. I don't know if the Texas thing fits that or not. I know that my love of discipleship, parenting, teaching, and singing would all come in handy, plus my desire to keep learning Spanish. I love the idea of my family getting out the crudilicious Ohio Valley and be free from many allergies. My family would get to live on a farm and have lots of cool opportunities. This is a part of me that I can't escape: I love love love the idea of living with the people I am called to. When I was a missionary, that was basically my only request. I needed my own space to call my own, just a room and a door because I know I'm an introvert and have to hide away sometimes, but I did not want to drive across town to be with my people. I wanted to do what they did, live, speak, eat, suffer, celebrate, just like them. I didn't need to be taught that in mission school; God gave me that instinct and I still have it. I think it's important in making a decision to see if what you're considering goes along with some core parts of who you are.

Of course, being married that can be quite tricky! I require sunshine, I really do--Jack hates hot climates. I am drawn to international places, poor, dirty--Jack? Not so much. But he balances me out, and I absolutely trust that God brought us together as a check and balance. If we are both walking with God, He will lead the way. I really am content to go, content to stay. My great adventure is Jesus Himself, not where He leads or what He does through me.

A New Day...Tomorrow?

I have a lot to do today...and just spent an hour on the couch watching the latest episode of Drop Dead Diva and eating cookies...so I will write quickly. :) The past week and a half has been such a blur for me. I really really really want to get back on my feet again, and several times I thought I was but fell down again. Not literally. That would be funny though.

Basically a week and a half ago, we gutted a part of our basement which had mold and I've been sleeping in Selah's room upstairs ever since. I've felt tired, haven't been making the best choices (hence the cookies), and just feel overwhelmed. Today's Monday and I was thinking that today would start fresh and new, but I guess my whole family is zonked because we all slept 12 hours last night and weren't exactly shining this morning.

Anyway, one thing that I am truly excited yet also overwhelmed about is that Jack and I, after so many years of talking about it, are applying for ministry positions that would take us out of Kentucky. I swing from side to side on the pendulum, thinking, "Why would we do that? because our friends and church and family are here! That's crazy!" to "We don't want to feel stuck in this house and this job. We want Jack to get to spend his work hours on things he cares about and is gifted in. We want to go on adventures to make us stronger as a family and couple. We don't want to have regrets; we want our kids to have a variety of experiences!"

So, you know, I am so excited about this possibly actually happening...So excited about what may be out there for us. After what we have been through the past few years, just to imagine that way of life really being a thing of the past thrills me. Sickness and bad work experience gone. Wouldn't that be amazing? Already, this summer has amazed me. Getting to make this CD, getting to do such fun things with my kids, getting to homeschool and be involved in enrichment, getting to lead worship at church sometimes...those were all things I had completely died to. I surrendered them and did not expect them to come back around, but God had perfect timing. In fact, when they came back around, they came back to an entirely new person. The absence of all of those things changed me, because I found the Lord in such a fresh all consuming way. He is my Life, and all these details of what I'm involved in and how I spend my time are led by Him, but they are not my life. They are not my priority or the real meat of my existence. They're just what I do with this body as He fills it. That may sound really strange, but to me it changes everything.

So, back to being overwhelmed...I just need a few faithful days under my belt, days where by God's dwelling in me I make good choices and lead my self into submission. I wrote myself a note one day a while back, saying, "How about if you just stop falling into the pit in the first place, friend? Then you won't have to do all this work to get out of it." Duh, right? This one took me by surprise, and I definitely feel a Hand reaching down to help. The knowledge that I cannot stand on my own two feet is a remarkable help because it reminds me to come to Him instead of muster up something good in me...

It Is Worth It

Have you ever heard that song "I just can't seem to get it right today..."? It's on an iPad or some Apple product commercial I think. That is exactly how I feel about this entire week so far. When you consider time at the pediatrician's office a good counseling session, you know things are rough!

I think I just feel that as I am feeling better and getting out into the social world again (Ah, it's nice out there!), I might be getting out of balance. I might not be setting good enough boundaries. I don't know. Only the Spirit of God can clue me in, and I know He will, and as I prayed about it this morning I had a peace in knowing that if I needed to, I could make about 4 phone calls and let go of everything that I have invited into my schedule. That's nice to know.

But I think the deeper issue I'm experiencing--and this is just total honesty here because I don't fear people's opinions at all anymore--is that I am selfish and not content giving my full attention and giftings to these three people I have been entrusted with. I realized at Yemi's 3 year check up today that perhaps why I am so frustrated with her and her little 3 year old behavior is because I want us all to co-exist in this house peaceably without me having to drop whatever else I'd rather be attending to. OUCH.

When I took 5 minutes to just lay in the bed alone with Yemi at her nap time today, I have never seen such smiles! (I mean, since 2 days ago when she had ice cream at her Mimi's!) She is so good at playing alone that I guess I've gotten used to going about my merry way as well. Selah on the other hand is the same girl she was at birth; I can sum it up in one word. Demanding. So between Yemi really needing more attention from me and Selah needing to stop demanding more attention from me, I feel very alone and very thankful that I only have two kids! I don't have someone rescuing me at dinnertime every night. Jack's work schedule leaves me alone with the kids, let's see, something like 24-6! It's just me, and lately when someone asks me to do something (something that at some point I probably said, "Hey, if you need someone to do that sometime, give me a call") I find myself obviously saying no but then also being a little peeved, like a cartoon character pops up in my mind and yells, "WHAT DO YOU ALL WANT FROM ME?WHAT MORE COULD I GIVE???"

It's like if I give someone milk at breakfast, you better not cross me by asking for juice instead. Watch yourselves! :) Okay, joking aside, through my counseling session at the pediatrician's office and blogging today, I can clearly see that I have gotten in over my head and my attention needs to come back home. It really gives me joy to know that God loves my family (and me) enough to demand our priorities get straight. I hate busyness and a full mind. I want my heart and mind open for the Lord at all times. I know there are tasks to fulfill, but if there really isn't a time and space for those tasks, it is clearly not the right season for them. Pray for me and may God bless your homes and schedules, my friends!

A Walk with A Friend

Tonight I got to spend an hour and a half with a young lady whom I have known for at least 7 years. She was 12 years old when I met her! I love and admire her and her parents, and as we walked together this evening, a lesson made itself abundantly clear.

When you grow up in a good home, you most likely had three balanced meals a day...Therefore, when you played ball in the yard or at school, you had the energy. You probably took vitamins or at least someone was making sure you had your nutrients, so you got up in the morning feeling good (or at least by 2nd period, you were feeling good!) You most likely had a bedtime or a curfew, a time limit maybe on the TV or video games, all so that you would do well on that test in the morning and not become a zombie like some of your friends who didn't have such involved parents. Call it strict; call it rules; call it whatever you want...Good parents take care of these vital parts of who we are as people, in hopes that we will catch on and do it for ourselves when we are on our own. It is no coincidence that people who eat healthy can run miles, and people who don't stay up until 2 a.m. everyday can think clearly and have better job performance. It is no coincidence. It's not luck and maybe not genes. It's discipline...Grace, yes, but discipline.

So in the same way, families who cultivate a relationship with God and surround their sons and daughters with godly instruction, prayer and devotional time, playing Christian music, going to church and having Christian friends over, even time set aside each day as "a quiet time", as well as maybe things like Bible Drill, youth camps, and AWANA are making a framework of faith for the whole family to live by. It is no coincidence that kids in strong Christian families often pray to receive Christ by the time they're 10 and often rededicate their lives to Christ by the time they go to college, because they are surrounded by God and the things of God. And it is no coincidence that when they leave home, they may not stay "close to God." I think maybe here's why...

This friend was telling me that when she was in high school, her whole life was what went on daily in that school and every night was preparation for the next day at that school. Those people, those halls, those clothes, that was life. Whatever her teachers led her to think about throughout the day, those were her thoughts most of her waking hours. Whatever her friends led her heart to care about through the day, those were her desires most of her waking hours. Whether we're at school, work, home, camp, whatever, we are being molded. The course of the river of our heart is being directed!!! All the time!!! So, when we leave the nest and there's no more disciplines as part of our schedule, it only takes a couple months to feel LOST. The disciplines cultivated in a godly home weren't anything in themselves, the rituals are not holy in themselves, but if a person was led to genuine prayer, worship, Bible Study, and personal time with God weekly, they may not even realize what is missing when they're on their own and feeling distant from God.

C.S Lewis said that we daily get up and brainwash ourselves! I know a lot of people probably have a problem with that statement, but I get it and I live it. We renew our minds daily and we get lost really quick if we don't. As my pastor and his wife have said, "We do not follow our hearts. We LEAD our hearts." We lead our hearts to setting still before the Lord, giving, worshipping, meeting with other believers. I don't think young adults are falling away from God because the church necessarily failed them or is too traditional or because their relationships with God were not real enough or deep enough. I think some of them are falling away for the exact same reason that I fall away so regularly!! Because they don't realize that it isn't GOD that is missing all of a sudden, but rather the things that helped them grow in Him that are missing all of a sudden. It's no coincidence that if we eat Twinkies for a week, we feel like crap! And it's no coincidence that if I don't open my Bible, meet with a believer, or come to God in confession and praise for a whole week, that I will feel lost and confused and scared that we have lost Him.

We have been fed a lie from the enemy that we are "not under law" and don't need disciplines, and that God is always with us, so that's enough. We've been fed the lie from the enemy that there isn't more to grasp in the Lord anyway, as long as we have these basics from our childhood. I have personally given into the lie from the enemy that this yucky feeling I have when I have not been spending quality time with the Lord is God being mad at me (for my lack of discipline and consistency), instead of the truth which is that yucky feeling is just this hole I have that my depth with Him used to fill. We have to lead our heart to the Living Water and drink! It doesn't have to look the same everyday, and it is okay to use whatever resources we need. It took me forever to realize that it was okay to use a devotional or Bible Study workbook instead of just the Bible. I have not depended on other believers much on my journey, but I am learning to! I believe if I move one inch in the direction of God--one page of my Bible, one moment of surrender, one verse of praise--He runs a mile to greet me and help me awaken my heart to Him.

So just like Daniel prayed in the morning, noon, and night--whether we're just now taking a step out of our home at 19 or 33 year old stay-at-home-momma like me or a 59 year old Grandma, we are all in the same boat! If we want to know the Lord, we can't expect Him to burn a bush! I am challenged to do something 3x a day, even if it is just for 5 or 10 minutes, to direct my heart, soul, mind, and strength to God. A verse to memorize. A praise CD in the player or on Pandora. A podcast. 3 paragraphs from a book by an author you know is diving into the depths of God. A short prayer walk. The answer of how to get "close to Him" again is never out of reach. He put the desire for that in us in the first place.

A Rough Day So Far!

I realize that many times on my blog I am only sitting down to write when I feel good and life is great and God is teaching me something cool. What's the point of sharing about the rough days? Just sounds like complaining! But...that is not sharing the whole truth and nothing but the truth! Today has been a rough day so far, and it is great to know that I can share it, have my mind renewed with truth from the Word and the Lord, and move on!

It's nothing big, just all these little things, like last night I got in bed early and couldn't sleep for at least 2 and a half hours. I had a horrible headache and just felt miserable. Then when I got up this morning, I got on the scale and after about 10 weeks of exercising 45 minutes 5 days a week and being wise and self-controlled in my eating, found that I still weigh exactly the same weight. I went out for a walk and the scariest, fattest, growliest dog on my road was not in his pen and came tearing across his yard to me while his owner screamed at him. I'm afraid of dogs in the first place, and all I could do was whimper, "God, please protect me. God, please protect me." I really was terrified, and thankfully the dog stopped at the edge of his yard. I was so angry and unfortunately had to spend the rest of my walk processing through what happened and discussing with myself whether or not I should go past that house ever again...and coming up with ugly threats if I ever got to speak with that owner, which I do plan on doing, minus the threats.

Then I come in the house to my sweet girls and their beautiful mess...but the mess really lies in the dust and dirt and dishes that has little to do with them. I've already gotten a lot of that cleaned, and I am so thankful just to have a house, but sometimes the constantness (making up words here) of keeping my house decent wears on me. Especially when I have my darling husband who piles stuff up in corners to collect dust and NEVER get put away...and then when he needs whatever he piled somewhere, he doesn't know where it is...and if I moved it, I'm responsible for where I put it and with the sheer amount of these objects I'm talking about, seriously, how can I remember? Plus, our house has some issues (like leaks in the basement and projects from a year and a half ago that never got finished yet the materials to finish the projects lay in piles inside my house). I am telling you, if a dump truck magically appeared at my house with 2 guys capable of carrying out stuff...

Okay, enough. Back to doing what I need to do, and at this very moment I am turning on some worship music and letting God do His magic in me! His mercies are new every morning! He is my Portion! He is my Joy! Bless the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all His benefits!!!!! We will conquer the dust and the aggravation with praise!

A Theology of Suffering

Some of the best advice I have ever heard for the modern day Church is this: "We had better develop our theology of suffering, because it's not going away." It seems like the Church really does not expect to suffer. We're still shocked by it, disappointed in God over it, and personally offended...yet it was promised over and over in the Bible. Living in safe and sweet America hasn't truly done us any favors spiritually. (But I am not saying I'm not grateful still.) I am so guilty of this. The first time I really suffered, it took counseling for me to unwrap my shock, indignation, and what felt like betrayal from God.

But something has been rolling around in my mind lately and I think I can finally articulate it, not that its anything new or rocket science status...For believers who really are trying to know and follow God personally, I think the thing that makes suffering really sting is that we do not believe it came from God. I know when I am suffering all I can think about is "how to get back in God's will." I want to RUN, conquer, win! I want no obstacles holding me back from a glorious life in Him, but that glorious life in Him isn't necessarily going to be found in the physical realm or in things leveling out, calming down, or getting easier. Instead of promising that picture we have in our minds of what "living in God's will" would look like, we are promised the cross. The cross comes in the form of suffering, and the suffering comes in the form of: dreams that do not come true, disappointments, failure, disease, tragedies...

Accepting the cross and not scorning its shame is a Key. It is sharing in the sufferings of Christ which He said we will have opportunity to do, and He is inviting us to not only share in those sufferings, He is inviting us to follow His example in the way He bore up under those sufferings. He knew He was in the perfect middle of the will of His Father; at different times, he felt the humility, the joy, and the abandonment, but He always could hold on to knowing He was in His Father's will. Whether you're suffering because you are sick on the mission field or suffering because you can't get a good job, when you live trusting in the Lord with all your heart, your suffering gets to accomplish a great work in you! You're in God's will! All those verses about suffering producing perseverance, character, and faith apply to you! I believe God's will is all about who you are right where you are. If you are connected to Him right here and now, there's no where else you're supposed to be. If jobs or locations or whatever need to change, you can bet those details will happen without a whole lot of hoopla. So...

Tonight, Selah (my 6 yr old) was really tired, and she said, "Life is so hard! I wish it was worth it. I wish we could just visit Heaven sometimes!" Now, let me backtrack a little. She said this because honestly, we have exposed her to a lot of suffering. She is my daughter, so it's inevitable. If she's going to be around me much, she is going to know about the persecuted church, what is going on in these countries, the drought/war/famine in Somalia, Kenya, and Ethiopia...but also, because she experienced adopting a little sis from Ethiopia, went through the same agony/learning experience we did, has a grandmother who suffers greatly in and out of the hospital, and we spend a good deal of time with people at the nursing home since her great grandfather lives there. She is exposed. Of course, she also thinks the fact that her finger was pricked at the doctor today is a national emergency, and we are very careful what images/language we allow her to see and hear regarding these things, but my point is this: Suffering is not going away. We can only protect ourselves and our kids so much, and we should only protect ourselves and our kids so much.

I preached a little sermon to Selah in Kroger when she said she wishes this life was worth it. She wanted to know why we even had to be here on earth if we were just here to fellowship with God and point others to His love. She said, "Why couldn't God just keep us all in Heaven and we wouldn't have to go through all this?" Good questions, sweet Selah. I don't know it all. But I am happy that I have truth to tell her. Truth about what she can see--I'm not sugarcoating the realities of suffering--and truth about what she cannot yet see--that our God is in control, that we are called to sacrificially show compassion around the world, and that King Jesus will come back someday. And when He does, we will see His very appropriate vengeance released that He has held back all this time. Read Isaiah! Read Revelation! We must develop and teach a theology of suffering from God's Word, not an American version of it that says it is God's job to keep us housed and fed and healthy. It doesn't matter what we like or what we wish were true.

The Beloved is being prepared for her Bridegroom, and this will come through the refining fire of suffering...in all shapes and sizes. We've got to see it for what it is and prepare our children for their refining fire, too. We kind of have to...grow up and stop skirting around it, closing our eyes and hoping it won't be there when we open them. Come Lord Jesus, and help us through Your Spirit until You do!

Excited

Before I go to bed tonight, I just have to type out some of my excitement. First of all, I just have to say GLORY to God because He has chosen to let me feel great this summer. I would love to get to continue this way. We will see what He has in mind. I hope I can handle it (well, I know I can't, so I will say, I will be relying on Him to make me handle it) if everything has to come to a screeching halt. Anyway, I'm rambling...Here's what I'm excited about!

I am excited about all this new school year brings. I love our homeschool curriculum (My Father's World, but we are also throwing in several other subjects and resources). I love that Selah is doing gymnastics. It was so much fun to watch her go around the gym and get to try out every single one of those cool things (cool to her; they just make my hands start sweating even looking at them). I love that my mom comes on Tuesdays, giving me a day to teach lessons again and prepare for things coming up, such as maybe leading songs at church one weekend or a concert. I'm excited about making a CD and getting to share these songs in concerts maybe once a month. I'm excited that by God's grace, and I do not say that lightly because He knows it's Him, I am out on my road running 5 mornings a week. And lastly, I am excited that I am going to be co-teaching Spanish and Missions 2 mornings a month to homeschoolers in FAITH's Enrichment program!

If that made your head spin, it did mine as well. We'll see if I make it to Christmas. Everything in my life right now feels very focused and led by the Lord (i hope!). I'm getting to teach and do many things that I have a passion for, but had completely given up and surrendered to God. I'm excited that when people said, "He'll bring that back in another season", they were right! I had to fully let go of these actually very normal things during those years of sickness. That sounds so pitiful, but it's not. God is teaching me so much about how He cherishes the weak, the unable, the despised...how He loves the humility and wisdom these things can accomplish in our lives. I understand a little bit now that things that embarrass or make us misunderstood are a gift from God.

Letting go of everything that I thought defined me, and for about 2 years only finding my identity in Christ because I had nothing else, (I didn't even have a hobby!) has made me alive. I died to what I wanted out of myself. I died to my somewhat unBiblical expectations of God. I died to what others thought of me. I died to the life I thought He wanted me to have, in order to finally and slowly embrace the life I do have. Somehow I am living in that grave still, because it is right where I need to stay...but because of the grave, resurrection becomes a possibility. Not resurrection of my goals or identities or activities or health, that doesn't matter in the least. That's just external stuff. Resurrection on the inside. Just like Jesus had to go to the grave before He was resurrected, we do, too. He gives us crosses-- to kill us-- in the same way that He gave us the law to show us we were incapable of keeping it! So when we finally give up and die and let go of our understanding of how to love and serve Him, then the Spirit finally has control and freedom and power and we stand literally amazed. That doesn't mean life becomes bigger and better, or ministry becomes bigger and better. It means there is no more striving to get somewhere else. There is rest and peace in the midst of daily obedience.

I have to say, if this whole thing I'm talking about was a download on my computer, I would say I have downloaded less than 1 %, but nonetheless...I am excited.

Being a Momma

I am going to give myself a grand total of 3 minutes to write...and then I must start my bedtime thing. 8:57 p.m.

I just put Yemi to bed for the first time in her big girl bed. She was SO excited. I left the rocking chair in there because I knew she wouldn't be ready to give up rocking time...hmmm. I sat down in it tonight and she came in and said, "I don't want to rock, just put me in my big bed!" 8:58 p.m.

I almost cried. Wow. I like giving away baby stuff; and i love the talking and doing things for themselves stage; but I wasn't quite ready for that. Then I prayed for her and was saying good night and she said, "You aren't going to rock me??" So, we did our normal little routine ending in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. 8:59 p.m.

I have some absolutely adorable pictures to post but I don't have time tonight, hopefully tomorrow. Yemi turns 3 on Saturday and we'll be celebrating all weekend. She said she wants a donut, a cookie, and a cupcake for her birthday....she is SO my daughter. She is getting a Sesame Street floor puzzle and a really cool magnetic Usbourne puzzle book with a little brown girl named Abi in it that you get to dress in all kinds of stuff...Oops, I'm a bit over my time. 9:01 p.m. Gotta go! Enjoy the cute pics!

Pix from Holiday World

Making a CD and Much More...

I knew when I started recording this CD that God was up to something. I knew it had very little to do with music.

So, I went into it with a little bit of fear and trembling, because I had some clues of what He was thinking. And here we are with just a couple of sessions left (for me anyway, I'm sure there is a lot of work left for others to do!), and I'm seeing some glorious stuff! Well, God being glorious; me, not so much, as you will see if you continue reading.

I wanted to share three things that God is showing me through making this CD.

#1- He doesn't need me to make a CD, and I do not need to make a CD. It is not a need in any way, shape, or form. The need is this: To learn some things about myself and about how to please Him better with my life; to just obey even if I don't see a good reason to do it. I think, "I probably won't even do any concerts. I probably won't even sell any CDs, " and He is saying that isn't the point. The point is that I obey. And so, He provides the opportunities that will teach me these lessons.

#2- This is about the process, not the outcome. As in SO many other things in my life, God is concerned with HOW I do things, HOW I respond, more than actually WHAT I do. From the beginning of this project I have known that I was going to be given opportunities to handle frustration or difficulties. What a great object lesson for life! To realize that whatever happens, our attitude and faithfulness to praise Him/pray/love others/forgive is much more important than the action we were doing when that opportunity arose...whether that was getting groceries or working in a village in Africa! Therefore, I have learned that I am not a very grace-filled person. I'll give...until I'm done. Today I see a clear message from God: We can never give too much grace. There will never be a time that we are too kind and generous. Sure, we might have to make better decisions about who we work with, etc., next time, but for this time, for right now, let's see if we regret ever giving too much grace. I don't think it'll happen. (And by the way, I would never want to work with anyone other than the people I am working on with this CD! I was just playing out the example a bit.)

#3- Being in ministry and sort of on church staff for the past decade, I have seen many wonderful, beautiful people doing many wonderful, beautiful things. But I have also seen one thing almost always rear its ugly head...and that is this innate, protective, cloaked in a sense of responsibility, PRIDE. Pride is not necessarily thinking you are important or great or that God couldn't go on without you. Pride is WANTING to be important or great or invaluable to God, or wanting your church or ministry to be important, great, or invaluable to God. Pride can come in the form of being aggravated at others for not being as involved as you are in your particular ministry. Pride can come in the form of complaining that others are just not as committed or caring or sacrificial as you are. Pride can come in the form of you staying up all night to do a church project alone, because you feel responsible that it happens. Pride is there when we feel the need to protect our spiritual reputation, when we're afraid to say something in small group because we don't want to look like we are spiritually clueless, when we shrink back from asking someone to pray for us because we think they'll think something that is not true about us...that they'll think the worst when really it was a kind of small thing.

I don't think we get burnt out because there are so many people to pray for, minister to, or organize. I think we get burnt out because we begin to prioritize some things God never told us to prioritize, in our hearts, in our souls. We set goals and set our focus on lesser things than knowing Jesus and loving others. We receive a sense of responsibility that is really just condemnation because we think "our thing" needs to look like this and do these things...and our drivenness does nothing but drive others away. The fact is, and this is just a word of warning to myself as much as anyone else, we must be obedient and focused on what God tells us to do each season of our lives and TRUST that HE will take care of the results even if what He is saying seems so small and quite frankly, not a ladder to success. Spurring others on is part of it, for sure...but never ever ever ever ever for the sake of our ministry thriving or our church growing or for the identity and security of those who call themselves our shepherds. Spurring others on toward Jesus should have one goal: Those people being left in His hands for Him to tell what to do. And He may tell them to leave. It's okay. If it's not okay, then we are feeling the result of pride.

So, how this relates to the CD is that I have seen and fallen into these traps before, and I sense I could easily fall into it again by thinking that this CD is super important and worth being driven about, out of some warped understanding of the responsibility that I DO have to obey. Whether its a church or a ministry or an orphanage or my money or this CD, its not that I don't care. Its not that I don't think its a worthwhile undertaking. It's a priority because I was told to do it, but it's not more important or valuable than any other thing I am called to do such as make lunch every day for my family or pray for people God puts on my heart. In our hearts, I think we must come to grips with the facts that these things entrusted to us are not ours to be a part of our legacy, reputation, or story, and that they are not for us. It sounds like death to self and it is! But do you see what happens through this death, through saying farewell to all that self interest and self entrenched God-following, all that trying to impress God? When that death happens, we are set free to obey with a carefree spirit because we are no longer loaded down by the things that made our callings sort of scary and anxious and hard.

I think that's the point. Going about obedience in a childlike, carefree way. He didn't tell us to do things and to do them in certain ways to lay a heavy burden on us. He didn't tell us, "Go do this and impress me!" He certainly didn't say, "This is your baby. You've got one shot to get it right." We can be carefree as we obey because we are doing our part and we have crucified the part of us that is pridefully interested in the results.

As you can see, I am learning a lot about myself...and doing quite a bit of repenting, which is an enormous gift in itself. I have nothing if I don't have repentance. I am convinced all I have to offer God is my faith (which He produced in me to offer to Him), and all I have to offer others is my honesty.

Renewing Our Minds Daily

Have you ever felt like yesterday was a completely different decade than today? Like you had this great day where the things you needed to do, you did with energy and joy; the people you needed to deal with, you dealt with with patience and love; the self-control you wanted to have was there when you needed it...and then you wake up the next day and it's like you cannot find that person in there. You thought certain struggles were over and there they are again. I personally would like to just drop the whole sleep thing sometimes because it takes me so long to get back in the groove and sometimes I can't ever seem to get back to what I stumbled upon...be it a good voice day, a good hair day, or a really hearing from God day. Is it just me that is so inconsistent and forgetful? I honestly have felt like the girl on 50 First Dates many times with God. That's why I journal, and I'm not kidding!

I have always known that I struggle with trying to be good and get things done on my own, knowing full well that even in my best effort it is God who truly gives any strength or success. I tend to rely heavily on my efforts and discipline and whatever it takes to do something I set out to do. But I always inevitably fall flat on my face, as I was saying in the paragraph before. I had it...then I lost it...you get the picture. So you can know I am not trying to make this sound like an easy fix when I say that if I am clueing in to anything, I am seeing this: I must must MUST renew my mind everyday. I must come to the Lord to be filled--emptied of self, aware of my absolute lack of goodness, and absolutely surrendering my control and opinions--and then filled with TRUTH everyday. Yesterday's mercies will not do for today. I need a fresh awakening to Who this Person is dwelling inside me.

Somehow I have wisdom and joy and contentment when I do not hit the ground running in the morning hoping I will naturally evolve into a good natured focused person, but instead running to the Source of my everything...Yes, first, but then all day. All day. We have battles to fight. Not with people, but with the enemy...against lies and suggestions that set themselves up against the knowledge of Christ (ask God to show you and He will)...against distractions that are not necessarily sins but will literally keep us from our callings and commitments to Jesus if we don't recognize them and choose the beneficial over the permissible. (That last sentence was partly from a book I am reading right now Made To Crave by Lysa TerKaust. Incredible book!!!) That doesn't mean every day is going to be an awesome day or we'll be in great moods every day. I'm just seeing that I am not a slave to whatever I wake up to.

Even in my easy little life, I don't have what it takes to fight my battles and run this race. Even if I did on the outside, there is no way, absolutely no way, that I am comprehending and obeying all that the Lord has for me. I get this sense right now that He is waiting on us, so that He can move us on...and all this time we thought we were waiting on Him. He is waiting on me to come to Him, be renewed daily, be full of His truth and surrendered to His Spirit...so that He can continue His work in me and take me deeper. Sometimes we are bored in our walk with Him...or at least I am...and I see so clearly now that He is waiting to take me places with Him I have never dreamed of. Sometimes I am just lazy in my walk with Him. It is good to see these things about myself! I long to have a consistent passion for Him like He deserves...and if that comes, it will come by letting every day be new and doing the work all over again of settling my heart and mind in His Presence, even if it is just for that day.

Believing

God is good. God is personal. And God is completely in control.

As I have grown older, these three things have slowly but surely come into question. Really without me noticing, as unexpected difficulties, failures, heart breaking knowledge of worldwide issues, and strange seasons of my life came and went, I did not lose my faith in God but I lost my faith in God's character.

I have stubbornly held onto faith and the grace of the cross, the Word, obedience and a prayer life, and my hope of Jesus's return. But I didn't realize until this past year that I had wandered from these rock solid pieces of His character--that He is good , that He is personal, and that He is completely in control. It actually hurt to believe these things. It hurt to say them to other people. It hurt to find out that I didn't believe them like I used to. Because if I believe He is truly good, then I must believe that everything He allows into our lives He sees as good at least in the end. If I believe He is truly personal, then that means that He is fully "in the know", nothing escapes His view. And if I believe He is truly in complete control, then we all have a lot of questions.

I'm sure I have even doubted if He loves us. Really.

And I want to say three things about these confessions...

#1 The enemy of our souls loves it when we use "sight" (or the lack of it) to rearrange our faith. I was reading in a Martha Kilpatrick Bible study about how Satan used those lies on Eve in the garden..."God is withholding something from you, so He's not good. There won't be consequences for this, because He's not really in control." Somebody has won when we start basing our lives on these suggestions, and it isn't God...and it isn't us either.

#2 Faith is a choice, and we aren't forced into the fold. He is generous and kind, but I think He is heartbroken that people such as myself are saying we love Him but are not believing--really deep down-- these basics of His character! I am telling you now, I want to be one of those fools out there believing God is good, all powerful, and present, standing in the middle of tsunami damage, standing in the middle of war, poverty, come what may. Because He is. And when the day comes that He explains Himself, not that He has to, but if He does, I want to have been on His side! I want to have been faith-full.

#3 As completely against American culture as this is, life becomes much, much simpler and we become much more content when we believe--by faith, by ridiculous faith--that He always is and always will be these things I have mentioned. Why? Because we can enter into His rest. Faith is a sanctuary for the foolish. Let them say it; it's true! We enter into a rest that the world can never have when we believe His Word and His character. All of a sudden things are clearer, because we see what is our responsibility and what is not.

#4 One more thing that may help explain--or dare I say make it easier to believe--these things about God is that contrary to popular opinion, and contrary to the beliefs of my first, um, 32 or so years of life, God's greatest intentions and plans and purposes aren't exactly about us or for us. They are for His Son, Jesus. Again, I must mention Martha because she has taught me so much. She says she used to think: "God loves me and has a great plan for my life." Then she says, "But while those things are true, now I believe a little different. What I see my focus should be on now is that God loves His Son and has a great plan for His Son. I fit into that plan but it isn't for me or about me." I think of the song I wrote: "You're writing my history one word at a time with Your glory in mind, and that's okay with me." It wasn't necessarily wrong, but for me, I am with Martha. When I first heard her say this, I thought, "Isn't that the same thing??? His plan for my life was supposed to be all about Him." But I get it now. The focus was still on MY life. What God would do with Lyndsay Taylor...my legacy, the impressions I left behind, my effectiveness. The Holy Spirit had to explain to me the difference. The difference is wonderful, and leaves a lot of room for the beauty of community instead of individualism, the beauty of humility instead of pride, the beauty of equality instead of competition in the church body.

Let us wait up all night for the Bridegroom, lamps full. It's a long night ahead and we need grace to believe the best about Him. He will certainly surpass our greatest hopes.

Why Our Knees?

Jack and I have really enjoyed watching Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip on Netflix the past couple of months. I cannot believe it only got one season...! I would love to find out why it was cancelled. It was a show that spoke very bluntly of the public opinion (at least in Hollywood) of politics, the war in the Middle East (or the part of it we are involved in, anyway), and Christianity. The main characters were people who produced and acted in a Friday night comedy show, like SNL, and one girl, Harriet Hayes, was a born-again believer.

In the last episode of the season, she and her friend were in the hospital waiting room. Her friend had just found out that his fiance was in bad shape and may not recover, and Harriet says, "Okay, it's your choice. I can do my Holly Hunter impression or I can teach you how to pray." Her friend says, "Let's find the chapel."

She's on her knees and welcomes him to join her, and he goes off in a tirade that went something like this: "If I was God, I would not need people to bow down to Me. I mean, if I really did what I said I did, make the whole earth and everything in it and have total control, then why do I need someone stroking my pride? This is ridiculous. God shouldn't need me on my knees for me to pray." She said, "Kneeling is not for God's sake, its for yours. We have everything in this life handed to us--wealth, fame, whatever--and the only thing not handed to us is humility. We bow to remind ourselves who He is and who we are." He, unfortunately, stormed out. But she was right, wasn't she?

Psalm 104:24-30 says, "How many are your works, O Lord! In wisdom you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures...These all look to you to give them their food at the proper time. When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things. When you hide your face, they are terrified; when you take away their breath, they die and return to the dust. When you send your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the earth."

Believing that I am on the receiving end so much, if not all, of the time is humbling. Knowing that no plans I make can be held together by my own power is humbling, even the best and godliest of plans. Like a baby, we must stay less than an arm's length from our Creator whether we realize it or not, and whether we like it or not, and that's humbling. We like to be in control and be responsible, and we certainly have to obey and do "our part" but we are so out of line when we begin to think that "our part" is the real work of God. The real work of ministry. The real work of relationships. We obey and we don't take pride in it, and we certainly don't get impressed with ourselves, because that would simply be ridiculous, wouldn't it? Just like I can plant a seed in the ground and take the time to water it, I realize even in me doing my part that I had no power to make it grow. I am not the soil, the nutrients in that water, the sun; I am just doing my tiny part. And so it is.

Why can't we have a relationship with God that doesn't require kneeling--the kneeling of our hearts if not our bodies as well? Because a relationship with God doesn't come as a partnership..."let's join our resources, God! We'll make a great team, God!" It doesn't come by thinking we are His equals and looking Him in the eye and asking Him to do His part, while we can confidently hold up our end of the bargain. Oh, my. If we think we can hold up our end of the bargain, any bargain at all, pride has finally reached the surface. We are dependent on Him even for our part.

Friends Forever!

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about this and decided if I had time, I would write about it today: FRIENDS. Not the show, but the blessed reality of people we get to walk through this life with. Yesterday, my mom brought over a couple of boxes of my things from the lovely teenager years...collages, journals, keepsakes. There are some things that really stand out to me, looking back at those clothes, books, things I wrote, things written to me.

#1 - I am still learning the same exact lessons from my personal walk with Jesus that I was then. I briefly looked through those journals in amazement. I was really pursuing Him. I don't know whether to be sad that I haven't come very far, or just excited that He was so important to me then, too. All grace. ALL grace.

#2 - I wish I hadn't let boyfriends and the pursuit of that have such a high place in my heart and mind. I didn't date, so it wasn't necessarily about my time, but I did form strong bonds with a couple of guys in my school years. I know that's all a healthy part of life, but still...it should have been lower on my priority list.

#3 - Friends were my life. School was bearable every morning because of friends. A lot of times I went to church because of my awesome youth group. Once we went to college, wow, it was like heaven because it was just constant community. We were together all of the time, and they were not petty friends, they were true, true friends. Many of our parents were friends with each other, and now most of us are parents. We're spread all over the globe, literally, some of us doing what we always thought we would do, and some of us doing the last thing we expected. I am so thankful for the thousands of conversations and hours and laughs and tears I have shared with these FRIENDS!

I don't know if it gets better or different or not, but it's been hard for me to grapple with how friendships change once you get married. For one thing, 90% of my guy friends disappeared, and I had some incredible guy friends so it really was a big loss! When it comes to my girlfriends, I didn't lose them, but as time went on past college, I found out who was going to make the effort to stay friends and who wasn't. It had to be a mutual effort or it was not going to happen... But we move, we get jobs, we spend our free time with our spouse, and what a big shock really, we don't have 12 hours a day to be together anymore! I was not prepared for that! Then, shocker of all shockers, we start having babies and the only way we girls can talk is by risking our children's lives while we take the phone to the bathroom and close the door. An uninterrupted conversation just might never happen again.

Oh, friends. Sweet friends. God's love wrapped up in people. In the past five years, I've had a really hard time with this sleep disorder and health stuff, and getting together with friends has had to become a low priority. I've been living on a necessity-only basis many months out of the year, and that's been hard. I'm so grateful for the friends I could at least call or write when I was able to resurface. I've been feeling better for about a week and that's exactly what it feels like: resurfacing. I don't know for how long or even why, but I'm grateful, and my friends are going to know it!

Birthdays and Stories

Selah's 6th birthday was on Sunday. As every mom says, I don't know how my little girl's already 6 years old! I can't say time has flown. We've had millions of great moments tucked into those 6 years! Hundreds of times that I've closed my eyes and hoped that someday I could bring back the same sounds, sights, smells, and feelings of that very moment.
On Sunday, we had a get together with family and afterwards we went to the nursing home to visit Jack's granddaddy. While we were eating cake, Jack's grandma told us some great stories! Here's a couple of my favorites.
*First of all, she gave Selah a 70 year old baby doll--a Sparkle Plenty doll, for those of you who know about the Dick Tracy cartoon. Selah was so thrilled, and said she would "pass it down from generation to generation." I didn't even know she knew that word! Grandma said when she was 6 years old, her mother ordered that doll out of a catalog and even though she was not allowed to go to the post office to look for it, one day she could not resist any longer. She walked across the street to the post office and saw the package in their post office box! She was so excited, she ran home to tell her parents it was in. What did she get? A spanking. For going across the street! Understandable, but sad! Then, of course, the Sparkle Plenty doll was hers and she told us on Sunday, "It was worth it."
*Grandma told us that when Grandaddy was a baby and his mom needed to get some work done, she would dress him in a long dress and then put the end of his dress under the mattress to hold it down. Then he would be stuck and would have to just play within about a foot of the bed. HA! Pack and play, schmack and play!
*Last story...Grandma said that when she was born, a midwife came to her house to deliver her. Her family was poor and couldn't pay the midwife with money, so they paid her with a bushel of tomatoes. A bushel of tomatoes!! I will never look at a bushel of tomatoes the same again! We've come a long way in 74 years...or have we?

Money, Possessions, and the Poor...Again

What was I thinking about at 2 a.m. that I just had to blog about? I actually think it was money, possessions, and the poor...that's it. I was reading in John before I went to bed, the passage about Jesus being anointed by sweet Mary and he says that baffling statement, "It's okay to waste this perfume on me, guys. You'll always have the poor with you to help, but today I want your focus on Me."

That used to baffle me, back when I sort of preached the gospel of "Ministry to the Poor and Equality with the Least of These is the Most Important Thing On Earth." I went through a time, when I was making my last CD actually, where I was learning what is most valuable, what we're really here for, and personally I was learning some lessons that I hope to have with me the rest of my life. I did need to sell and give away things that weren't necessities, I did need to make sure in my heart of hearts I was not leaning on material goods for my security and peace, and I did need to learn to see the least of these, the orphan, the child in the sex trade, as my family. Absolutely. I will never go back to a place of not knowing and not acting. I'm glad I learned how to be involved. In the unseen realm, we are involved through awareness, knowledge, specific prayer, and entering into grief with Jesus over these tragedies and letting Him evolve our hearts in the way He chooses. In the seen realm, there are physical sacrifices we can make to reach out and do what we would hope someone would do for us if we found ourselves in such circumstances. For every loss we choose for ourselves, someone else can gain. I pray I never lose this mindset. While it is not my fault that human trafficking and starvation exist, I believe my life should look different because they do.

However, the most important thing I learned was to make sure I know the most important thing. Jesus said many, many things and He meant them all. His ministry to the poor, the example of His life (having no place to lay His head, etc.), and His statement that when we serve the poor we are really serving Him, are proof enough that He was teaching us to care, love, give, and expend ourselves and our resources for others even if that means we go without. But as I am learning in my own life right now, He also taught us to put the correct value on things, to prioritize our hearts, souls, minds and strength toward Him. I learned the long and drawn out way that I must have one allegiance, and that allegiance is not to the work I can do for Jesus/the poor/youth, etc.. That is devalued in comparison to knowing Christ my Lord. Yes, we show our love for Him through obedience, but I believe intimacy is necessary for obedience to even begin and certainly for it also to continue. Our connection to Him cannot be an afterthought or a token group prayer before we head out to do some good deeds. Our connection to Him also isn't to make ourselves feel good and secure, like "God will bless whatever I put my hands to, because I have been sitting down to pray lately." Look at John 15, look at the stories involving Mary and Martha. Paul basically said, "Everything I have accomplished, even the good, I consider a waste in comparison to truly knowing Jesus Himself."

Keeping the Main Thing the main thing. It's easy to get ahead of ourselves. It's easy to look to productivity instead looking into the eyes of Jesus for our sense of worth, our sense of "I'm enough, I'm okay." If God lays on our hearts a desire to commune with the poor, or whoever, our route to doing that will begin (and stay) at one place: digging in deeper in our submissive relationship with Jesus and prizing it above every idea, every exciting possibility, every job or ministry opportunity, every success and every failure. I cannot tell you how hard it is for me to daily pull away and surrender this thing of "What I Wanted to Do for God." I lay it down to know Him, because I believe He told me to, and because I believe it is in actuality the ONLY way I can be of His service anyway. I trade it in to know Him, because I cannot serve two masters. I can't love and protect my identities, my (spiritual) reputation, my resume, and my potential if I'm going to pursue Him. I used to think loving and serving Him was these things...but I am learning their value and the separation that is necessary.

A Question and Some Thoughts

So...the big question for me these days is the big question of exactly one year ago: To homeschool next school year or not. I will skip a bunch of the details to simply say that I was feeling like the decision had been made for me. Jack is working 2nd shift, and even though he doesn't feel like this job is going to be his career, he will probably be there at least awhile. Long enough to bother getting on their insurance! :) Since no one is awake to take Selah to school (don't laugh and don't judge, I can't do it and Jack would only get 5 hours of sleep a night if he did it), and even worse since Selah wouldn't see Jack except for on the weekends, I felt the decision toward homeschooling had become set in stone. Then I spent some time with Jack this weekend and he thinks this summer is going to be our time to experiment with it.

I think homeschooling is a great thing for certain families. I've always thought I would do it, at least for some years, and I really respect those who do. I could spend this blog describing why I want to do it, but I'm sure you can guess those. So here are the reasons why I'm just not positive I can handle it.

1) I am fully aware of my "special needs". I have to sleep so much because of this dang sleep disorder and, just as the type of person that I am, I require pretty good amounts of stillness. I feel disconnected from myself in such a disturbing way when I am having to be "on" all the time. I need time every day of quiet, to journal and pray, to think things through, just to be. I am learning how to re-orient myself to God's presence in me in the midst of chaos, but it's still not enough. If I homeschool, I have sort of worked out a schedule that will allow me to have some time like this, but I will not be okay if I'm flustered and harried all day. That's just not functional and not how I want to be remembered by my kids anyway.

2) All of the hours left in the day. If we homeschool 2 to 4 hours a day, what do we do the rest of the day? Sure, I can figure out a lot of it, but this is a small house and while my kids can entertain themselves with toys and puzzles and what-not for a couple hours out of the day, I'm afraid we'll turn to TV if I'm too tired to take them out to play or go visit someone. Plus, they are such social little people, I do think they will get tired of being here and doing the same thing so many days a week. We'll have church, AWANA, gymnastics, and the library, plus playgrounds, the zoo, and field trips. Maybe we will form community there that will carry over beyond those actual places?

3) I believe, and have seen this year while Selah was in Kindergarten at Lincoln Trail, that absence makes the heart grow fonder! She appreciates her relationships at home, as well as her "stuff". She doesn't get bored because she's only here from 3 until 8 (bedtime) then weekends, and because that's only 5 hours a day we make it quality time. I cannot make 12 hours a day quality time.

So...here's how you can help me...those few of you still reading! A few questions you may be able to respond to?

*What can I expect Selah (6 years old, reading 2nd or 3rd grade level, major extrovert) to do on her own and for how long?

*How many times a day is it appropriate to say, "Okay, kids, go play quietly in your rooms for a little while?"

*How many days (for you homeschoolers) do you stay home completely?

*How much TV (pretty good stuff, like educational cartoons) is appropriate, in your opinion?

*How do you get your "sanity time" (if you feel like you need it)?

Thanks! Thanks for reading and letting me get all that out. This is my first chance at the computer in a long time! Hope to blog more regularly soon. :)

The Why and The How

I have been challenged lately by this ever growing thought: God is more concerned about why and how I do what I do, than simply what I do. There has got to be a clearer way to say that, but it's the best I can do after a long day!

Within obedience, within the realm of the priorities and callings, within the confines of the things He has put in our path or clearly is asking us to do right now, He is asking for more. And it's all for our good, a more abundant life, that He is doing so. He is saying, "Okay. Now You see I have put you there...in that family, in that marriage, with those kids, in that job, with that special circumstance. You're surrendered to Me, and I appreciate that. Now onto Phase Two. The "what" is answered; make sure you know the "why" (because you'll be blessed if you know, it gives it all a whole new meaning, even if the answer is just because He said so!) and make sure you pay attention to the "how" (again, you'll be blessed.)

Parenting. I'm not allowed to just do it. I have to let the Holy Spirit in me, the fragrance of Christ, lead my words, tones, actions. Gee whiz. I don't have that kind of patience and calm...but He does, and if I am dwelling with Him, in tune with Him, it will be there in reserve when I need it. Being a housewife. Making a CD. Praying for others. Caring about family, friends, and others around the world. He'll lead the way in regard to "what" I do...I used to care so much about the "what" that I would have given up a relationship with Him for a roadmap! Thank God He didn't allow that option.

My prayer and my challenge is: I want my heart and life to be honestly communing with Him in a way that will make the motives and actions and attitudes of my life all work together for His good pleasure. I long to see what it would look like for me to fully dwell, alive and awake, to His existence in me all the time. Only because of the blood, only because of the Spirit, only because of the fellowship of the Body of Christ is it possible, but it is possible. I think we trade a lot of things in for this. We swap this particular focus out for busyness and running around doing what someone told us we should be doing without ever knowing if it's what He said to do. And even if it is what He said to do, again, it is so easy to forget all about how we conduct ourselves while doing it.

Something Screwy

I am one of those kids who grew up going to church, reading my Bible at home, and learning how to have a "quiet time". My youth minister taught us how to spend time with God by ourselves, worshipping, confessing, learning, listening. I have always been a "journaler"; I have dozens of them in a box somewhere. But somewhere along the way, as much as these times with God truly meant to me, if I was too busy or if it sounded boring to go hang out with God or if I just wasn't in the mood to dive into anything serious or deep, I felt guilty. The part of me that likes sticker charts would get in high gear and I would try to make this spiritual discipline as disciplined as counting calories. My day was good (i.e. God was happy with me) if I had made that time for Him. Among other misconceptions of what God wanted from me, this was at the top of the list.

Then I heard someone say once, "We don't have to have time with God; we get to have time with God." That started a change in my perspective. Then one time later someone said to me, "You do realize that the Holy Spirit who lives in you is the equivalent of the man Jesus, right?" Yes, I knew...but did I? One of my spiritual mentors gave me a book or two by Madame Jeanne Guyon. It was specifically written for beginners in the Lord, and let me tell you it was right on my level if not higher. Again, I was learning about the constancy of this relationship that I had thought was already "so close".

And somewhere along the way it began to happen. I began to realize that none of this was sticker chart material at all. The Living God, as Jesus promised upon His ascension into Heaven, through the Holy Spirit, makes it so that I dwell with Him at all times. He will be as thick in my atmosphere as I will acknowledge that He already is. I need to meet with Him, to settle down and listen, to deeply drink and eat of His Word, to confess and intercede, to worship...He wants me and I want Him...but there is no set way it has to be done. It's just a constant turning of our hearts and minds.

He will be as thick in my atmosphere as I will acknowledge that He already is. What's screwy is that the enemy has planted the lie in some of us that God wants our work and performance more than just the simplicity of our awareness and appreciation that He is dwelling with us. When that awareness and appreciation happens, everything changes. Stickers no longer necessary.