What The?

So, I woke up today at 11:59, and while I know there are much worse things to wake up to, I woke to a complete and utter mess. Obviously, from the 14 hour night of sleep the night before, I'm not feeling so good, so I guess the past few days blurred by and I didn't notice the mess accumulating. Jack has been working non-stop on the girls' bedroom floors (bless him!!), so I've had to keep the girls downstairs playing and watching movies for days. It had all kinds of potential to be fun, and sometimes it was, but laying around watching movies with your hubby or by yourself and laying around watching movies with a whiney, snotty nosed 2 year old who only wants to watch Elmo or Dora is a different thing altogether.

So, anyway, every room in my house is disgusting. I actually dreamt last night about dust and cobwebs, so my subconscious was trying to prepare me! Most of the girls' belongings are in the middle of the kitchen, there's all kinds of crud under the table, 2 full loads of dishes and laundry to be done, receipts and paperwork I can't seem to get to (both physically and mentally!) and yet if I don't, who knows what may happen to the checking account? There is a stack of stuff Selah's teacher wants me to fill out or do or buy, due by 4 different dates in December, the basement is covered in toys from this morning when Jack was trying to keep the kids occupied (and halfway quiet for me, again, bless him!), and when I looked in the mirror I realized my distant relatives from both sides of the family had been forced to behold my completely overgrown eyebrows. Plus, no matter how hard I work at it, the scale continues to mock my efforts. I am SO staying in my pajamas today.

I feel better after sharing my ridiculous complaints; I really do. I need to go outside a little, and breathe in some fresh air before I attack this mess. December is going to be wonderful: more new flooring which is a dream come true, Christmas parties, Selah being off school again, making yummy things to share with friends and family. And January through March? Well, survival will require some spiritual warfare...and blogging. I've decided to blog Jan-Mar (almost) everyday, each day bringing up a new way to survive the worst winter has to throw at us! I am no longer a winter-hater, I just know I need some extra support during those darker, shorter, colder days. Thanks for stopping in, friends. Love you and hope you had a fantastic Thanksgiving! (Kind of ironic, my Thanksgiving post was the opposite. I'll try to make up for that later!)

Hi!

I'm going to try to sneak in a quick blog while I'm making dinner! Last week, I missed blogging but I was just really too pitiful to get on here and say what was on my mind. I figured it would have done no good for anyone! It was just a rough week, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even socially. Sometimes my blogs may sound confident, as if I'm saying, "Oh, wow, look what I've discovered and look how easy all this is!!" If you ever take that home after reading, please remember this: I am a total and complete mess whose sound mind at any moment of any day is because Jesus has mercy on me. There. Now you know. :)

Anyway...speaking of Jesus having mercy...I have really had a breakthrough I would love to share! Whether it is the adrenal fatigue, or depression, or whatever, I was beginning to fear getting up in the morning; I wondered what I would face, and I wasn't sure anymore if I could handle what I would face. It's been like this for years, because some days I feel good and then on those days I can keep commitments, get things done, and feel pretty positive about my life, and then many days, I feel like I didn't sleep at all and I just want the day to be over before it's begun. When there are days like this in a row (which last year was pretty much every day), it definitely starts to get to me, and I forget who I really am and how I normally feel about all God has given me. There's the background, here's the good news:

On Sunday, the message/worship was about spiritual warfare. I felt like God was speaking directly to me, saying, "You are NOT a slave to what circumstances and feelings and moods, even sickness, that you wake up to!" I realized it was the enemy, it was Satan, who was taking these weaknesses of my body and life and turning them into something more than they actually are. I realized that I am not the enemy; my body and mind, even as carnal and flesh as it is, is not the enemy. My weaknesses are not the problem! The way I was allowing Satan to USE my weaknesses against me was the problem. Those weaknesses can be tremendous strengths with the right perspective: turning them into dependence on the Lord, bringing sacrifices of praise which are beautiful in His sight, and making my life "limited" to His will (not taking on more than He actually wants me to). It is awesome to not see myself as something to be feared, to not see myself as the enemy, because truth be told, I was treating myself like the enemy. I was not living, eating, taking care of my self like a person would who loves herself. I do have an enemy though, and I know how to deal with him! It is amazing how fast he has to flee when we declare that we will not agree with him, that we will not live by the thoughts he puts in our mind first thing in the morning!

I don't have power over these circumstances, and I don't like to pretend everything is great when I'm walking through quicksand. But I do have power, by God's presence and grace and truth, over what these circumstances do to me. AMEN!

Don't Neglect Redirection!

I am almost finished being shocked by my constant need for redirection.

For goodness sake, I am like a kid you have to tell every five minutes what they're supposed to be doing (or not doing). I forget what good news I just heard, I forget what clear word I received, and I'm just clueless...every morning. I'm lost and depressed...every morning. So it is a real joy that I am almost finished being shocked by my constant need for redirection, because now that I realize it and embrace this weak and sad reality about me, I can forgive myself and move on! God is showing me how important it is to receive redirection outside of myself. I never used to be the type to depend on books, teachings/podcasts, Bible Study workbooks, or praise music CDs to receive the guidance and truth that I needed from God. But now, I am taking in all I can get!

It makes sense to me to say that if we're in church, or in a Bible Study, or reading a book (all in efforts to grow spiritually) and those experiences do not redirect our eyes and hearts and lives to Jesus and how much He loves us, they are a waste of time. Our devotion and love for Him throughout the week will only be a response to the devotion and love we learn that He has for us first! We must be transformed daily by the renewing of our minds (Heb. 12) and His mercies are new every morning (Lam. 3:22). We do forget...and we are surprised that we feel angry or sad or confused. We need to do whatever it takes to be redirected to His love, His forgiveness, and His Word all day long, for no reason other than we need it. I think of Daniel and how he remained strong by seeking the Lord three times a day. Did he do this because the law required it? I don't think so! Maybe he did it because he knew of his constant need for redirection.

Not because we have to, not because anyone is watching, not for any reason other than we want more of Him and less of us, let's make altars in our daily schedules...moments where we escape the world and run into His arms, and be redirected into His love. Maybe it's a CD ready in the CD player to move your heart to Him while you clean up breakfast, then the Bible open on the lunch table where you can meditate on just one scripture, or during the kids' naps come to Him first before you move on to other tasks. As a mom, I feel like my time with God is so different than it used to be and it's been really hard to focus on Him even when I do find the time to spend with Him, but there are ways to work that out and we must continue to do so. These resources (CDs, books, teachings online) that I've mentioned are some of the things helping me to come out of the world and into His sanctuary throughout the day.

Lastly, it has been good to be out of so called "leadership" for the past couple of years, because I have learned a valuable truth about it. Christian leaders have 2 jobs: stay intimately and personally growing with Jesus as their #1 priority in life, and secondly, redirect people's eyes, ears, and hearts to Jesus Christ. Leaders don't need to seek to change anyone or tell anyone what to do or even what to believe, they just need to redirect people to Him and He will take care of the rest. When we are constantly being redirected back to the Lord and His peace, we will become redirectors ourselves.

Thoughts on Justice

One day, when Selah was really little, about 5 years ago, Jack came home and put in a video from the International Justice Mission. He was preparing to do some lessons on social justice issues with the youth at church, and I heard the video from the other room. Somehow in my 27 naive years, I had never heard of the things described in this video, and it tore me apart. Children being sold into slavery; teenagers and women trafficked and used in brothels; little boys kidnapped and forced to kill their parents, ushered into the army at the age of 5; the industry of sex tourism. The sheer number of people these things were happening to shocked me and left me numb. I had given very little thought to abuse, and now I was seeing the reality that these weren't just rare, sick crimes. This is every day business in dozens of countries.

My response was lots of tears, lots of asking God how could I help, lots of guilt about how little I contribute/how easy my life is, and lots of just emptiness, sadness. I hated that I couldn't do anything, but at the same time, I could not let go of the belief that God did indeed want me involved! But I didn't know where to begin, and I wanted answers fast. In this blog today, I want to briefly share in a nutshell the process I had to go through. (I know it doesn't look brief, but we're talking 5 years here!) Perhaps it will be a starting place for you, if you feel some of these things. There is so much more to say than just this, I'm just scratching the surface. These are in order...unfortunately, we can't skip a step.

1. EDUCATION: The first step is definitely education and awareness. On my blogsite there is a list of links to organizations that are literally saving the world. We can use them to learn about current events that pertain to these types of issues. This first step involves a little bit of time, signing up for a few prayer/info emails from various organizations, and most of all, it involves bravery. Most of us want to turn our heads from ugliness; we don't want to know it exists! But we must be brave, and let education and awareness break every last piece of our heart. We will not be used by God for justice if we do not first allow it to hurt deeply.

2. PRAYER: As education turns to brokenness, continue to ask for a tender heart. I learned that as Jesus grieves over these victims, He longs to have others who will toil with Him in prayer and grieving as well. Think of Jesus entering the garden before He was taken away to be crucified; He begged His disciples to stay and pray with Him, but they slept instead. If we want to go with God on rescue missions, we have to go with God in times (maybe years) of lamenting WITH Him. For a couple of years, I remember crying and crying and saying, "God, what good am I doing them through all this crying? Send me!!!" But this is important. God will not just give marching orders to act like His hands and feet. He has to change us to BE His hands and feet. That takes time, and it has to be done His way.

3. RELATIONSHIP: In mourning with God where He is, we gain exactly what He wants for every human being on earth: closeness and intimacy with Him. In this stage of my process, I learned one of the most important things I will ever learn: God does not want justice to be the number one passion of my life. He does NOT want me waking up every morning thinking about it. He does not ask me to live for it and die for it. God wants HIMSELF to be the number one passion of my life. He will allow no other to take that place. I learned I was worshipping the actions and the compassion and the desire to make a difference; God will not allow us to do this and get away with it, because He is a jealous God. He loves us too much to let us live for what He did not create us to live for! Oh, how frustrating these months were as I learned this lesson. I simply did not understand...until He finally got it through to me. We cannot put ministry, even the things of His heart, above HIM. There is a difference between the two, and we must understand that difference. This is when some of the frustration finally started to cease for me. My heart for justice is still there, strong as ever, given by God and approved by God...but I have learned to train my heart to beat first and foremost for the Lord and to seek Him above all these things.

4. ACTION: Once we get that straight, that personal intimacy with God must be our battle cry first and foremost, then we can trust that as we are with Him, learning, praying, mourning, that He will lead and guide us on how to serve people in need. We will be changed from the inside out, instead of being given laws and rules to live by. Honestly, I think there is room for believing that when Jesus said to sell our possessions and give them to the poor, and leave behind fields and family, that He meant it literally. There is room in my heart for that. I believe we need to prepare our hearts for it, meaning loosen our grip and be willing. But I also believe now, after going through this process, that to act on that without knowing the details and timing specifically from God to me, would be all about ME (making myself feel better) and not about God or justice.

After all these steps, He might say to look at your budget and change it a little or a lot, to give to organizations such as IJM, to make sacrifices to your non-necessities. To make sure you and your family are aware of the amount of non-necessities in your budget at all is a big step that most American families never take (at least not until they are forced to). But you won't be doing it because you feel guilty, you'll do it because God is leading you. You can come to Him and say, "Lord, this is Your money. Where do you want it to go?" He will tell you. Don't let someone else tell you what to do as if you can't hear from God yourself!!!!!!!!!!! (exclamation points to infinity!!!) This may just be a personal vendetta, but I cannot stand it when people say that when they see others in need it just reminds them to be grateful for their many blessings, and then call it a day. Sure, be thankful for your many blessings, but don't think for a second they are all yours to keep! When these steps happen in our lives, we will strive for equality and will not be content with excess.

He might call you to advocate in all kinds of creative ways, such as writing, speaking, meeting with small groups, educating others. He might call you to stay home and pray, or meet with a group to weekly pray over the prayer requests that come from these missionaries and organizations. I cannot stress enough how important it is to get connected with orgs and missionaries out there, because then you have real names and current situations to be praying for.

I went from thinking there was nothing I could do to feeling like there is no way to stay faithful to all the possibilities. I don't pray and serve in these ways nearly as much as I thought I would, or sincerely want to. I exist and thrive on knowing God is constantly at work in my life, refining me, burning away the chaff of distractions to both His call on my life to know Him and His call on my life to burn with Him for justice. The story has taken one unexpected turn after another for me, to say the least. The only way I can describe how I feel is to imagine being a jockey on a horse at the Derby, waiting in the gates, and even after the gates open and the other horses are running their race, I'm (against all rational thought) holding back my horse. Imagine that horse's fury and desire to GO! That's how I feel so many times. And that's how God feels ALL the time.

Isaiah 42:13-16

"The Lord will march out like a mighty man, like a warrior He will stir up His zeal; with a shout He will raise the battle cry and will triumph over His enemies. 'For a long time I have kept silent, I have been quiet and held myself back. But now, like a woman in childbirth, I cry out, I gasp and pant. I will lay waste the mountains and hills...I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.'"

Come, Lord Jesus!

The Glory of God

Yesterday as I was watching my girls play, I couldn't stop smiling. I felt so happy that God had given them to me (for this short time, I have to add). It hit me all of a sudden that God gave them to me to slow me down...to put me in this place where I would find Him...to wake up and see things fresh and new as I explored the world all over again with them...to find meaning in routines and actions and even words that I thought were meaningless or just "less". I like life a lot better this time around. A lot better.

A couple of years ago, God made me a beautiful promise. I had spent several years confused and upset, years of great things such as "motherhood" and "ministry". I was tormented by questions and thoughts like "Am I doing enough?", "Is God disappointed with me?" and "Where am I supposed to be?" I had planned and even committed to such a different life, and here I was...very, very normal in a very, very normal place doing very, very normal things. Well, after a couple years of difficult wrestling, the Lord made a covenant with me that changed my life. Backed up by His Word like crazy, it went something like this: "Lyndsay, I give you permission to let go of every single thing you think I want from you, and I ask you to do this: Live your life to be in an intimate, growing relationship with Me. Be consumed with knowing Me. Set your thoughts and desires on the unseen realm with Me. If you do this, I promise you will not miss anything I had for you to accomplish on earth." There's more, but that's the main point. I cannot describe how this utterly and completely set me free from my bondage. I believe this promise by faith, and have now for 2 years. I am a different person than I was then.

There is a peace in knowing that my only job is to be in love with Jesus and dwell in His love for me, because it puts "my day job" in proper perspective. There is a contentment in knowing that He promises to lead and guide my external affairs as my focus is NOT on them. As I say often in my blog, I may sound crazy but it's true. I was not fully alive, not for one moment, until I started living in light of this promise. I am fully alive to enjoy my kids, because they are not in the way of what "God wanted to do with my life." I am fully alive to enjoy my home, because God works on my heart while I work on the dishes. I am fully alive to be a joyful wife (Oh Lord help me be a joyful wife!), because God gets to choose who I spend my life praying for and ministering to...and my husband is #1 on that list. I admit I want to do more at times, because of the love He has given me for the nations and people in need. But I do trust His promise in this as well. He is the one at work, not me, and it will always be that way.

St. Irenaeus of Lyons (whoever he is, I'm not pretending to know) said, "The glory of God is man fully alive." My joy and freedom is that no matter what happens in my life, as seasons change and blessings, relationships, children, jobs, even temporary callings come and go, my first and foremost reason for living happens as I "sit down in His shade with great delight." (Song of Solomon) I've heard it said, and I'm adopting it as my own: I'm teaching my children to not be loving volunteers but to be voluntary lovers!

Church and My Kids

My kids are hilarious.

We worship on Sunday mornings at the Vineyard here in Elizabethtown, and during the first hour of church, everyone stays together to sing. Then for the second hour, during the teaching, the kids have their own class to go to. It is usually really awesome for the whole family, and I love using that time to guide Selah in worshipping the Lord. (And Yemi, too.)

It's the kind of environment where no one would barely even hear you if you literally "shouted to the Lord", and you definitely can kneel down in prayer anytime you want without feeling weird. You can raise your hands and jump up and down if you want because no one would be distracted by you; they're too busy interacting personally with Jesus. You might think this is a wacky church, but all I can say is that people are being touched by the personal love of God in that time, which I hope can be said for all the congregations meeting in that hour, no matter what that looks like for them.

Well, anyway, all that to say that yesterday my kids were worshipping, and I don't know if it was for real or not, but as things were winding down, Selah yelled out "Jesus!" and then immediately Yemi yelled out "Jesus!" This happened as the instruments were quieting down and the worship leader was probably deciding whether or not to pray or sing more or whatever. Everyone kind of chuckled in an accepting and sweet way. Then before the worship leader could say anything else, and as the room had become completely quiet, Yemi yells out, "Amen!" It was just hysterical. The worship leader just laughed and said, "Okay, amen then."

Potty at the Party

Selah just finished telling me the whole story about last night.

We went to a bonfire at our good friends' house, and we were all in the backyard having fun when Selah said she needed to go potty. So, I sent her in the house and kept an eye out for her as she walked the path (lit by hand carved jack-o-lanterns!) and went inside. I kept watching for her to come out, and finally about 10 minutes later, I told Jack we probably out to go get her and go ahead and be on our way home as well.

We joked as we walked that she was probably in there eating candy...

But, sadly, she was sitting on the toilet with no toilet paper! Tonight as I was putting her to bed, she told me, "I was sitting there yelling 'Mommy! Mommy!' and my booty was stinging, and I couldn't get up. Then I yelled out, 'Please, Jesus!'' The way she described it tonight made me laugh so hard! For now on, I'll go with her to the bathroom. Lesson learned.

Wordless Wednesday

An Anniversary

I didn't even know how to feel when she told me my flight back to Kentucky would be on October 25th. Much to (what was left of) my team's annoyance and disappointment, I had tearfully announced I would be leaving Mali, West Africa, and breaking my 2 year commitment as a Journeyman with the International Mission Board. My team leader made my travel plans for me, and I was set to leave on October 25th, 2000. What's ironic about this date is that I had begun my missionary experience on exactly October 25th, the year before.

God's funny.

And here it is, October 25th, 2010. Ten years later! I still have signs of malaria and mono, two illnesses that never quite leave the bloodstream. I still have vivid images that bring all kinds of emotions when I shut my eyes. I still have memories that make me laugh out loud. I still have pictures of my loved ones in my village sitting around my house, telling me every time I pass them that they do not look like that anymore. Five year old Fanto is no longer doing his cartwheel-pick-up-a-banana-peel trick. In fact, he is probably working a field, riding a bike with one flat tire if not two, and perhaps even has a girlfriend named Fatima. Ten year old Nana is probably cooking for her own kids now instead of her siblings, braiding people's hair in between meals, clucking her tongue in gossip about a neighbor. I can see it.

That year of my life was a wonder. As I look back, I can't help but think it was a movie I watched and not something I actually lived. The weirdest thing I feel is that I'm not still living it. There are some things I would do differently if I could do it again; but ultimately, I am the same person as I was then. I really did stand in awe of God that year, I really did walk hand in hand with Him in utter dependence and trust. I learned a proper fear and respect of my God; I learned perhaps step one in the process of genuine faith, like Hebrews 11 and 12 kind of faith. My heart is sore when I look back into that year that came and went a whole decade ago; I'm sad that I haven't been able to keep up any relationship with those families I love so much but thankful those relationships were made at all.

I have to end on this very happy note: I will see many of them again someday! In the air, there won't be the barrier of distance or years...I hope they'll believe me when I tell them I carried them in my heart my whole life.

The Mommy Post

I am excited to say I am writing for my friend's blog now; it's called the Mommy Post! My friend's name is Megan, and we have been bestest girlfriends since our college years at Campbellsville University. She now is the beautiful mother of 2 beautiful girls- twins actually!

My little column for her blog is all about nutrition, especially food, meals, menus, etc. I am excited! Even though I'm not "a cook" by any means, I really do love the area of nutrition (and dare I say, even dieting?) I'm weird. But I am always looking for new healthy whole foods, as well as learning how to use food for what it was intended for! That's a little harder than it sounds.

This week's blog was about making healthy eating affordable, if you'd like to check it out. I feel like a dork, because I'm sure it's things everyone already knows, but I shared some rules of thumb that I live by anyway. :)

www.themommypost.com

Yemi's Morning-Through Her Eyes!

So, today I woke up in my crib and bounced around for awhile. Mommy could even hear me downstairs in her bedroom with earplugs in! It was great fun, and I knew she would come in my room soon. She came in and said, "Good morning!" and found me with my pillow on the other side of the crib (I get bored) and my diaper off (I get wet). I said, with a huge grin, for the night time was over at last, "Goo mornin'! How doing?"

So Mommy let me wear a pull-up even though she knows I have no intention whatsoever of using the potty today, and we set off to make breakfast. I said, "Dip", which everyone knows means: "I want dry cereal on my tray and a little bowl of milk to dip it in." That was fun. I asked for "my-mins", which is my vitamins, but just like every other day of the week, Mommy said, "No, not until dinner."

After breakfast, I stomped my little foot and said, "Elmo. Now." And Mommy said a bunch of stuff that started with "young lady." I tuned out the rest, then she asked Jesus to make my heart tender and repentant! She's so silly. I went and got my purse and filled it with some things for the day, then put my coat on, and then I slipped on some pretty pink shoes that "Ra Ra" (some people choose to call her Selah) wore in a wedding one time. Then I said, "Okay, Momma! Let's go! I'm going! Bye bye!"

(This picture I am adding is one of my favorite faces. Its kinda like I'm saying, "I'm a little naughty, but also a little pitiful, so I deserve mercy.")

Mommy kept sweeping and doing dishes while I tried (I really did) to stay out of her dirt pile and the dishwasher. It's really hard for me to remember...and at last, it was Elmo time! Mommy and I scooted down the steps on our bottoms, and then I ran to my rocking chair, yelling, "Elmo's World!" very clearly, I might add.

It's not even lunch yet, and I've already gotten in trouble for getting into the stuff on the table, closing the piano thingy on my hand, getting into the library book bag, and let's see...what else? It doesn't matter. Mommy's giving me a big hug and kiss. It's a good morning.

One Word Wednesday: "HOME"

Eden Eyes

Our pastor on Sunday briefly talked about how Adam and Eve lived fully alive before sin. Their spiritual eyes were wide open. They lived fully because they were alive in the Spirit. Then with sin, their eyes were opened more fully to their physical realm instead, and closed to the spiritual realm. They didn't even realize they were naked even though they had bodies...until sin entered their lives. I always wondered why they "all of a sudden" saw they were naked, and now I get it. And it shows me how God is wanting to restore the Garden in our lives!

Because of Jesus, our eyes can be open again to who we are in Christ in the spiritual realm and give very little concern to all this in the physical realm. What does this look like in real life? Maybe these are a few beginning thoughts. There is a peace instead of worry, as Matt 6:25-34 says to seek first His Kingdom (ah ha, spiritual realm!) and then all these things (eat, drink, wear, do- all physical realm) will be given to you as well, because the Father knows what you need. There is a focus on the unseen, which is all over the New Testament, vs. a focus on the temporal. There is a joy as we find our Life in Him, apart from the cares of this world, and then once we find that completeness in Him, we bring it back into the world we see and feel...and honestly at that point even the most dire of situations has new perspective and we are able to be more than conquerors in Christ Jesus.

I am praying today that I would live fully alive (because this is a major problem for me!! I struggle with being bored, moody, unfocused, etc.), alive and aware like Adam and Eve were, in the spirit, before the fall of man. It's Fall outside, and it is beautiful. And the word "fall" has been on my mind all week, making me think of the fall of man, and how that fall turned us so inward and we became so consumed with self in that moment. The fall. It was a hard, shattering drop from perfect and at peace and in love with God to all of a sudden naked and ashamed, with eyes only for the physical realm they found themselves in. I believe God wants to bless us with Eden Eyes once again; because of Jesus, only because of Jesus, is it possible.

I think sometimes we consider ourselves responsible for many, many things, just like Martha. But Jesus is telling us there is one thing we are responsible for first and foremost and maybe even solely...and that is to be dwelling in Him, gravitating to Him in mind, heart, soul, and strength. Not spending our thoughts, desires, identity, and energy on what we can do for Him, but on Him. If we think that is too small or too easy or not enough, I believe God will show us differently when we enter in and try it. Staying gravitated toward the Lord all day is work, and it's the only work that brings rest. And as for the many things we are responsible for the earthly, physical realm, God gives us a supernatural motivation and ability for...as our eyes are not set on them.

alive!

It is completely necessary to blog or journal or take pictures or do SOMETHING to commemorate today, because I felt great! It is such a relief to just feel healthy and good sometimes. My family and I have been sick for weeks, and we are all pretty much back to normal now--hallelujah! The leaves are changing, and I feel very sure that I missed autumn last year entirely because it feels like it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. (Last fall, I was sick and in bed basically as the leaves turned and then quickly fell.)

Selah is happy in school, and I love doing "home school" with her when she comes home everyday. For about an hour and a half, we do reading, writing, math, Spanish, piano, Bible verses/prayertime, and whatever homework the teacher sends home. We don't have time for all of that every day, but we just regularly do these things and it's such fun, good quality time together.

Yemi is talking more! She is pretty stubborn and still not doing well in potty-training, but she's a doll baby and she knows it. We've been having fun together. She is really into Elmo and Sesame Street, and as always Baby Einstein! We go to the Library every Wednesday for a class and she is learning to sit during a story and use the glue stick for crafts...it's a little crazy because that child has fire in her eyes and she doesn't enjoy settling in for a nice leisurely activity!

I give thanks for these days. I was so worried about what I should do, maybe go back to school, or how can I be more involved at church...and I cannot say what others should do, but for me, I'm supposed to be right here, right now, with all my heart. I can't do more than this. I am perfectly limited in God's will. And what I love about today is that I can see that clearly. That is indeed a gift!

Place in this World

I am chuckling at my own title, because I'm singing Michael W. Smith's song to myself..."Trying to find a reason, searching through the night to find my place in this world, my place in this world..." And I'm sure I got the words wrong, because my brain is incapable (INCAPABLE I TELL YOU!) of remembering the exact words to songs! Even my own songs! Anyway...moving on.

Jack and I truly are searching through the night to find our place in this world. Good news is that we have found our place with each other and our dear little daughters. That is sure, and we find great fulfillment and comfort and thankfulness in that. Then above and beyond the family relationships, our place with Jesus--hidden in Him, alive in Him, complete in Him, tucked right in His arms bringing Him delight until the day we see His face--that's a place out of this world, actually, and it's all we really need.

But today through talking with some dear friends, I saw that God did make us all unique with specific gifts and talents that we need to work on and develop and feel free to spend our life doing...hopefully even doing for our career and income. Jack and I both feel like we were led astray a bit in our younger years, because we fit in the category of "called to vocational ministry" (meaning we would work for a Christian organization or church)...but I'm not sure that we fit there anymore. I'm not sure there are openings for us there, at least that would take care of our needs. We're not looking to be rich, but we do have to have money to live, unfortunately. I am fine with the fact that more and more opportunities in the church are volunteer...I'd even go as far as to say that's how it should be. However, that is what we went to school for and were trained to do. Now, we are left not fitting into any category.

I blogged before about what I would maybe go back to school for; it's fun to search and dream a little. But it's also a little stressful. Before kids, even before marriage, definitely before monthly bills, became a reality, the options did seem a little more open because the time and opportunity to work hard for those options seemed possible. Now, I just don't know.

I'll end my thoughts for today with this: I'd rather have a shortened life, a poor life, a difficult life even, doing what I was created to do than play it safe and just survive. So, may the Lord give us direction as we look at life in a new way.

It's late

oh my word, it is late. I haven't been up until 1 a.m. in ages, and for good reason! But tonight, I ate too much chocolate and I have acid reflux and can't sleep. Pitiful, I know! It may set off my sleep clock for quite a while unfortunately, but sometimes its natural consequences such as these that wake me to reality...i.e. make me stop eating too much chocolate.

I never was very good at kicking bad boyfriends to the curb.

But I'm still trying.

What i really want to write about at this crazy late hour before I start my fun week of fall break with my girls, is: Careers. Currently, I do not have one. Since the age of 14, my heart was set on being a missionary. A missionary who learns languages, loves on people, does basic health care and education where needed, writes, and sings. That really is my heart right there, all wrapped up in one sentence. But what a big weird situation I'm in, seeing as how I am in a little town in Ky, doing very little of this dream job description.

How did I get here, how am I going to get out, am I supposed to get out? Ah, who knows except the Lord. I usually don't get too worried about, at least not these days because my life is full with what I DO have in my hands, leaving less time to care about what I do NOT have in my hands. But lately, with some job issues and such, and a few tiny thoughts about the future, I've been thinking...If being on the mission field isn't in the cards for me, what is? What is supposed to become of these parts of me that are not being used?

Here are some ideas of what I could go back to school for: Teaching ESL. Counseling (mental health/grief/pastoral/wellness). Campus ministry. Special Education. Something I could do with writing/languages. (I love words.) Hmm. I just never considered that I would need a skill or degree that would be useful in the United States; when I was in college, I was thinking about underdeveloped nations, and to be honest, I still am. But I can't imagine, with my health, and now with my daughters, living in the midst of that anymore. I didn't have a back up plan.

My girls will have to double major and get a sensible Masters Degree, that's all I ask. :)

The Poisonwood Bible

Wowza. I read the Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver this weekend. My, how it brought me back.

Ten years ago, I lived in Mali, West Africa...for just one year. It's a year I remember better than any year of my life, and yet it doesn't feel like it's possible that it was THIS body that was there. It feels like another lifetime or a very long dream or a movie you grew up watching. I never talk about it, and I think that is because there are just no words. No one in my life was there to witness it with me, except one good friend who lives in TX now, and even with her, our memories are enough. It's just too heavy for words.

But this book. This author knows how to describe the taste, smell, feeling of an African village. She is remarkable, the sheer amount of lessons carefully weaved into this piece of historical fiction. It should be read by anyone going to Africa, period, especially going as a missionary. It's painful and scary, as is Africa! But it's beautiful and real, as is Africa as well. I realize I'm not giving any real thoughts or details here; I'm not even telling anyone to read the book, because it could mess you up entirely! But in my soul, it stirs what has always been there. It's not as raw and broken as it used to be, because I'm sealed inside this new season of life, a season of life where God has chosen a different slew of priorities for me. But it is still there. I'll always love the people of Africa with a huge portion of my heart; I hope some of them in the village of Dialakorobougou know it.

Lovely Thursday

Ah, this is indeed lovely. I recognize that I am one of the very few moms out there with this luxury: My mom comes every Thursday to watch my kids. Sometimes she even does a little (or a lot of) house cleaning. It's a shot in the arm, in those months of sickness or in those days that I actually feel well enough to get out and have lunch with a friend. Oh, God bless my mother!

Today, I slept until 11:45. That would be 14 hours! For over a week now, I have been sleeping like a dream, oh my gosh, I cannot describe how miraculous it is to be sleeping without medication!!! I am off Ambien and Trazodone, and using a mixture of some natural things and it's working better than the officially serious drugs. (For any insomniacs out there: 3 mg Melatonin, 100 mg Phosphatidylserine, 200 mg Magnesium). Anyway, so what feels so great -and I just have to revel in it because my health has made me really depressed the last month and now things are looking up- is that I am CHOOSING to spend the day in bed today until my mom leaves, instead of being forced to. I feel great! I'm just going to listen to teaching CDs, read (I may even indulge in a little fiction), and later spend some time exercising, cleaning, and cooking. Thursdays are also especially fun because it's almost the weekend, where all bets are off as far as I'm concerned.

It's days like this that I must remember are coming, for sanity's sake. It's also days like this that remind me that people want to know how they can help. As moms, we stink at asking for help or clearly stating to our families/husbands/whatever what thing they could do that would rock our worlds. If we told them and planned for it, we might just be happier, relaxed, and have more "me" days than we thought possible...and I won't let anyone tell me that that's a bad thing! One last thought: It's days like this (where I feel well yet also have a chance to chill) that I can see clearly enough to know that eating junk food or candy IS NOT the sum total of fun and relaxation. I tend to think if I'm calling a total chill day that I must stock my bedside table with unhealthy foods and watch TV all day. But when i'm feeling well enough to use my little brain, I know that days like this can be a great time to perpetuate the wellness, not drive it to extinction!

Still Thinking About Songs

Well, so far today has not worked out how I planned...it is better!

We wanted to go to church; Yemi and I have strep throat, but are not contagious anymore, and we needed to get out of the house! But at about 11 a.m., she decided she needed an early nap, so I've had the luxurious privilege of about 2 hours with the Lord. I was listening to some teaching by Martha Kilpatrick (amazing!), and then I saw on my iTunes where I had recorded some "new" songs last fall.

I have laid it down, this singing thing. I don't think about it often. But...when I am reminded that I am a singer-songwriter, when I reminded of these old and new songs, when I sing, something kind of wakes up on the inside. There are a whole 10 people waiting for me to make a new CD, and that is enough motivation for me! However, there are so many things holding me back. Let me explore that real quick...

I need a band. Quite honestly, my piano ballads with just my voice are a bit boring. Yet, that is what I write, and I need a producer and band to give energy and life to my lyrics and melodies. What I produce completely on my own just isn't enough for an entire CD; I have more than enough songs, I just need some additional input from several others who "get" me. That is hard to find.

It's been a hard year, and so many times I have thought I may never get to be behind the piano singing my own concert again. Throat problems, health problems, time problems. I actually, on a spiritual level, needed to get away from it; I needed to come to the place where I knew I couldn't do anything for the Lord until I learned to do nothing for Him. But I think, just for fun, it is going to happen again. Maybe even soon! I'm dreaming of a little concert where I just am who I am. I'm not great on the guitar, that's a fact; I'm not interesting on the piano, another fact! BUT I can just be who I am where I am...and trust God will use that.

If you happen to be a "fan", pray for me. That's all I need. I seek Him first and He can add whatever He wants. :)

Waiting for my Eggs to Boil

Literally, I am waiting for my eggs to boil. Yemi is in her highchair eating cinnamon toast (no sugar of course), and I thought I'd blog for a minute waiting for my eggs to become as hard boiled as possible. (I hate soft boiled eggs!)

So...I thought I'd briefly just share some random thoughts. Someday I will be cool enough to put a picture along with each thought, but today is not that day. Someone on Facebook said that Facebook is causing narcissism among young adults, so in honor of that, here's a post with every sentence starting with "I".

I - have a sore throat and plan to spend my day on the couch as much as possible.

I- am giving up on potty training Yemi for awhile. I'm just not sure she understands.

I- found out yesterday Yemi's speech is perfectly normal, if not advanced, much to my surprise.

I- am reading Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ by 18th century writer Madame Jeanne Guyon and it is amazing.

I- have worn out my John Mark McMillan CD.

I- am going to church with my family 3x a week now, which is a really nice improvement over zero!

I- cannot lose a pound. Not even one. Counting carbs, eating crazy well, no sugar, exercise 5 days a week. Not a pound.

I- am happy it's Friday and a 3 day weekend...more time with Selah and fun family days. No major plans, but it'll just be good. I like the norm very much, but it's just fun to get out of it sometimes.