Believing

God is good. God is personal. And God is completely in control.

As I have grown older, these three things have slowly but surely come into question. Really without me noticing, as unexpected difficulties, failures, heart breaking knowledge of worldwide issues, and strange seasons of my life came and went, I did not lose my faith in God but I lost my faith in God's character.

I have stubbornly held onto faith and the grace of the cross, the Word, obedience and a prayer life, and my hope of Jesus's return. But I didn't realize until this past year that I had wandered from these rock solid pieces of His character--that He is good , that He is personal, and that He is completely in control. It actually hurt to believe these things. It hurt to say them to other people. It hurt to find out that I didn't believe them like I used to. Because if I believe He is truly good, then I must believe that everything He allows into our lives He sees as good at least in the end. If I believe He is truly personal, then that means that He is fully "in the know", nothing escapes His view. And if I believe He is truly in complete control, then we all have a lot of questions.

I'm sure I have even doubted if He loves us. Really.

And I want to say three things about these confessions...

#1 The enemy of our souls loves it when we use "sight" (or the lack of it) to rearrange our faith. I was reading in a Martha Kilpatrick Bible study about how Satan used those lies on Eve in the garden..."God is withholding something from you, so He's not good. There won't be consequences for this, because He's not really in control." Somebody has won when we start basing our lives on these suggestions, and it isn't God...and it isn't us either.

#2 Faith is a choice, and we aren't forced into the fold. He is generous and kind, but I think He is heartbroken that people such as myself are saying we love Him but are not believing--really deep down-- these basics of His character! I am telling you now, I want to be one of those fools out there believing God is good, all powerful, and present, standing in the middle of tsunami damage, standing in the middle of war, poverty, come what may. Because He is. And when the day comes that He explains Himself, not that He has to, but if He does, I want to have been on His side! I want to have been faith-full.

#3 As completely against American culture as this is, life becomes much, much simpler and we become much more content when we believe--by faith, by ridiculous faith--that He always is and always will be these things I have mentioned. Why? Because we can enter into His rest. Faith is a sanctuary for the foolish. Let them say it; it's true! We enter into a rest that the world can never have when we believe His Word and His character. All of a sudden things are clearer, because we see what is our responsibility and what is not.

#4 One more thing that may help explain--or dare I say make it easier to believe--these things about God is that contrary to popular opinion, and contrary to the beliefs of my first, um, 32 or so years of life, God's greatest intentions and plans and purposes aren't exactly about us or for us. They are for His Son, Jesus. Again, I must mention Martha because she has taught me so much. She says she used to think: "God loves me and has a great plan for my life." Then she says, "But while those things are true, now I believe a little different. What I see my focus should be on now is that God loves His Son and has a great plan for His Son. I fit into that plan but it isn't for me or about me." I think of the song I wrote: "You're writing my history one word at a time with Your glory in mind, and that's okay with me." It wasn't necessarily wrong, but for me, I am with Martha. When I first heard her say this, I thought, "Isn't that the same thing??? His plan for my life was supposed to be all about Him." But I get it now. The focus was still on MY life. What God would do with Lyndsay Taylor...my legacy, the impressions I left behind, my effectiveness. The Holy Spirit had to explain to me the difference. The difference is wonderful, and leaves a lot of room for the beauty of community instead of individualism, the beauty of humility instead of pride, the beauty of equality instead of competition in the church body.

Let us wait up all night for the Bridegroom, lamps full. It's a long night ahead and we need grace to believe the best about Him. He will certainly surpass our greatest hopes.

Why Our Knees?

Jack and I have really enjoyed watching Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip on Netflix the past couple of months. I cannot believe it only got one season...! I would love to find out why it was cancelled. It was a show that spoke very bluntly of the public opinion (at least in Hollywood) of politics, the war in the Middle East (or the part of it we are involved in, anyway), and Christianity. The main characters were people who produced and acted in a Friday night comedy show, like SNL, and one girl, Harriet Hayes, was a born-again believer.

In the last episode of the season, she and her friend were in the hospital waiting room. Her friend had just found out that his fiance was in bad shape and may not recover, and Harriet says, "Okay, it's your choice. I can do my Holly Hunter impression or I can teach you how to pray." Her friend says, "Let's find the chapel."

She's on her knees and welcomes him to join her, and he goes off in a tirade that went something like this: "If I was God, I would not need people to bow down to Me. I mean, if I really did what I said I did, make the whole earth and everything in it and have total control, then why do I need someone stroking my pride? This is ridiculous. God shouldn't need me on my knees for me to pray." She said, "Kneeling is not for God's sake, its for yours. We have everything in this life handed to us--wealth, fame, whatever--and the only thing not handed to us is humility. We bow to remind ourselves who He is and who we are." He, unfortunately, stormed out. But she was right, wasn't she?

Psalm 104:24-30 says, "How many are your works, O Lord! In wisdom you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures...These all look to you to give them their food at the proper time. When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things. When you hide your face, they are terrified; when you take away their breath, they die and return to the dust. When you send your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the earth."

Believing that I am on the receiving end so much, if not all, of the time is humbling. Knowing that no plans I make can be held together by my own power is humbling, even the best and godliest of plans. Like a baby, we must stay less than an arm's length from our Creator whether we realize it or not, and whether we like it or not, and that's humbling. We like to be in control and be responsible, and we certainly have to obey and do "our part" but we are so out of line when we begin to think that "our part" is the real work of God. The real work of ministry. The real work of relationships. We obey and we don't take pride in it, and we certainly don't get impressed with ourselves, because that would simply be ridiculous, wouldn't it? Just like I can plant a seed in the ground and take the time to water it, I realize even in me doing my part that I had no power to make it grow. I am not the soil, the nutrients in that water, the sun; I am just doing my tiny part. And so it is.

Why can't we have a relationship with God that doesn't require kneeling--the kneeling of our hearts if not our bodies as well? Because a relationship with God doesn't come as a partnership..."let's join our resources, God! We'll make a great team, God!" It doesn't come by thinking we are His equals and looking Him in the eye and asking Him to do His part, while we can confidently hold up our end of the bargain. Oh, my. If we think we can hold up our end of the bargain, any bargain at all, pride has finally reached the surface. We are dependent on Him even for our part.

Friends Forever!

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about this and decided if I had time, I would write about it today: FRIENDS. Not the show, but the blessed reality of people we get to walk through this life with. Yesterday, my mom brought over a couple of boxes of my things from the lovely teenager years...collages, journals, keepsakes. There are some things that really stand out to me, looking back at those clothes, books, things I wrote, things written to me.

#1 - I am still learning the same exact lessons from my personal walk with Jesus that I was then. I briefly looked through those journals in amazement. I was really pursuing Him. I don't know whether to be sad that I haven't come very far, or just excited that He was so important to me then, too. All grace. ALL grace.

#2 - I wish I hadn't let boyfriends and the pursuit of that have such a high place in my heart and mind. I didn't date, so it wasn't necessarily about my time, but I did form strong bonds with a couple of guys in my school years. I know that's all a healthy part of life, but still...it should have been lower on my priority list.

#3 - Friends were my life. School was bearable every morning because of friends. A lot of times I went to church because of my awesome youth group. Once we went to college, wow, it was like heaven because it was just constant community. We were together all of the time, and they were not petty friends, they were true, true friends. Many of our parents were friends with each other, and now most of us are parents. We're spread all over the globe, literally, some of us doing what we always thought we would do, and some of us doing the last thing we expected. I am so thankful for the thousands of conversations and hours and laughs and tears I have shared with these FRIENDS!

I don't know if it gets better or different or not, but it's been hard for me to grapple with how friendships change once you get married. For one thing, 90% of my guy friends disappeared, and I had some incredible guy friends so it really was a big loss! When it comes to my girlfriends, I didn't lose them, but as time went on past college, I found out who was going to make the effort to stay friends and who wasn't. It had to be a mutual effort or it was not going to happen... But we move, we get jobs, we spend our free time with our spouse, and what a big shock really, we don't have 12 hours a day to be together anymore! I was not prepared for that! Then, shocker of all shockers, we start having babies and the only way we girls can talk is by risking our children's lives while we take the phone to the bathroom and close the door. An uninterrupted conversation just might never happen again.

Oh, friends. Sweet friends. God's love wrapped up in people. In the past five years, I've had a really hard time with this sleep disorder and health stuff, and getting together with friends has had to become a low priority. I've been living on a necessity-only basis many months out of the year, and that's been hard. I'm so grateful for the friends I could at least call or write when I was able to resurface. I've been feeling better for about a week and that's exactly what it feels like: resurfacing. I don't know for how long or even why, but I'm grateful, and my friends are going to know it!

Birthdays and Stories

Selah's 6th birthday was on Sunday. As every mom says, I don't know how my little girl's already 6 years old! I can't say time has flown. We've had millions of great moments tucked into those 6 years! Hundreds of times that I've closed my eyes and hoped that someday I could bring back the same sounds, sights, smells, and feelings of that very moment.
On Sunday, we had a get together with family and afterwards we went to the nursing home to visit Jack's granddaddy. While we were eating cake, Jack's grandma told us some great stories! Here's a couple of my favorites.
*First of all, she gave Selah a 70 year old baby doll--a Sparkle Plenty doll, for those of you who know about the Dick Tracy cartoon. Selah was so thrilled, and said she would "pass it down from generation to generation." I didn't even know she knew that word! Grandma said when she was 6 years old, her mother ordered that doll out of a catalog and even though she was not allowed to go to the post office to look for it, one day she could not resist any longer. She walked across the street to the post office and saw the package in their post office box! She was so excited, she ran home to tell her parents it was in. What did she get? A spanking. For going across the street! Understandable, but sad! Then, of course, the Sparkle Plenty doll was hers and she told us on Sunday, "It was worth it."
*Grandma told us that when Grandaddy was a baby and his mom needed to get some work done, she would dress him in a long dress and then put the end of his dress under the mattress to hold it down. Then he would be stuck and would have to just play within about a foot of the bed. HA! Pack and play, schmack and play!
*Last story...Grandma said that when she was born, a midwife came to her house to deliver her. Her family was poor and couldn't pay the midwife with money, so they paid her with a bushel of tomatoes. A bushel of tomatoes!! I will never look at a bushel of tomatoes the same again! We've come a long way in 74 years...or have we?

Money, Possessions, and the Poor...Again

What was I thinking about at 2 a.m. that I just had to blog about? I actually think it was money, possessions, and the poor...that's it. I was reading in John before I went to bed, the passage about Jesus being anointed by sweet Mary and he says that baffling statement, "It's okay to waste this perfume on me, guys. You'll always have the poor with you to help, but today I want your focus on Me."

That used to baffle me, back when I sort of preached the gospel of "Ministry to the Poor and Equality with the Least of These is the Most Important Thing On Earth." I went through a time, when I was making my last CD actually, where I was learning what is most valuable, what we're really here for, and personally I was learning some lessons that I hope to have with me the rest of my life. I did need to sell and give away things that weren't necessities, I did need to make sure in my heart of hearts I was not leaning on material goods for my security and peace, and I did need to learn to see the least of these, the orphan, the child in the sex trade, as my family. Absolutely. I will never go back to a place of not knowing and not acting. I'm glad I learned how to be involved. In the unseen realm, we are involved through awareness, knowledge, specific prayer, and entering into grief with Jesus over these tragedies and letting Him evolve our hearts in the way He chooses. In the seen realm, there are physical sacrifices we can make to reach out and do what we would hope someone would do for us if we found ourselves in such circumstances. For every loss we choose for ourselves, someone else can gain. I pray I never lose this mindset. While it is not my fault that human trafficking and starvation exist, I believe my life should look different because they do.

However, the most important thing I learned was to make sure I know the most important thing. Jesus said many, many things and He meant them all. His ministry to the poor, the example of His life (having no place to lay His head, etc.), and His statement that when we serve the poor we are really serving Him, are proof enough that He was teaching us to care, love, give, and expend ourselves and our resources for others even if that means we go without. But as I am learning in my own life right now, He also taught us to put the correct value on things, to prioritize our hearts, souls, minds and strength toward Him. I learned the long and drawn out way that I must have one allegiance, and that allegiance is not to the work I can do for Jesus/the poor/youth, etc.. That is devalued in comparison to knowing Christ my Lord. Yes, we show our love for Him through obedience, but I believe intimacy is necessary for obedience to even begin and certainly for it also to continue. Our connection to Him cannot be an afterthought or a token group prayer before we head out to do some good deeds. Our connection to Him also isn't to make ourselves feel good and secure, like "God will bless whatever I put my hands to, because I have been sitting down to pray lately." Look at John 15, look at the stories involving Mary and Martha. Paul basically said, "Everything I have accomplished, even the good, I consider a waste in comparison to truly knowing Jesus Himself."

Keeping the Main Thing the main thing. It's easy to get ahead of ourselves. It's easy to look to productivity instead looking into the eyes of Jesus for our sense of worth, our sense of "I'm enough, I'm okay." If God lays on our hearts a desire to commune with the poor, or whoever, our route to doing that will begin (and stay) at one place: digging in deeper in our submissive relationship with Jesus and prizing it above every idea, every exciting possibility, every job or ministry opportunity, every success and every failure. I cannot tell you how hard it is for me to daily pull away and surrender this thing of "What I Wanted to Do for God." I lay it down to know Him, because I believe He told me to, and because I believe it is in actuality the ONLY way I can be of His service anyway. I trade it in to know Him, because I cannot serve two masters. I can't love and protect my identities, my (spiritual) reputation, my resume, and my potential if I'm going to pursue Him. I used to think loving and serving Him was these things...but I am learning their value and the separation that is necessary.

A Question and Some Thoughts

So...the big question for me these days is the big question of exactly one year ago: To homeschool next school year or not. I will skip a bunch of the details to simply say that I was feeling like the decision had been made for me. Jack is working 2nd shift, and even though he doesn't feel like this job is going to be his career, he will probably be there at least awhile. Long enough to bother getting on their insurance! :) Since no one is awake to take Selah to school (don't laugh and don't judge, I can't do it and Jack would only get 5 hours of sleep a night if he did it), and even worse since Selah wouldn't see Jack except for on the weekends, I felt the decision toward homeschooling had become set in stone. Then I spent some time with Jack this weekend and he thinks this summer is going to be our time to experiment with it.

I think homeschooling is a great thing for certain families. I've always thought I would do it, at least for some years, and I really respect those who do. I could spend this blog describing why I want to do it, but I'm sure you can guess those. So here are the reasons why I'm just not positive I can handle it.

1) I am fully aware of my "special needs". I have to sleep so much because of this dang sleep disorder and, just as the type of person that I am, I require pretty good amounts of stillness. I feel disconnected from myself in such a disturbing way when I am having to be "on" all the time. I need time every day of quiet, to journal and pray, to think things through, just to be. I am learning how to re-orient myself to God's presence in me in the midst of chaos, but it's still not enough. If I homeschool, I have sort of worked out a schedule that will allow me to have some time like this, but I will not be okay if I'm flustered and harried all day. That's just not functional and not how I want to be remembered by my kids anyway.

2) All of the hours left in the day. If we homeschool 2 to 4 hours a day, what do we do the rest of the day? Sure, I can figure out a lot of it, but this is a small house and while my kids can entertain themselves with toys and puzzles and what-not for a couple hours out of the day, I'm afraid we'll turn to TV if I'm too tired to take them out to play or go visit someone. Plus, they are such social little people, I do think they will get tired of being here and doing the same thing so many days a week. We'll have church, AWANA, gymnastics, and the library, plus playgrounds, the zoo, and field trips. Maybe we will form community there that will carry over beyond those actual places?

3) I believe, and have seen this year while Selah was in Kindergarten at Lincoln Trail, that absence makes the heart grow fonder! She appreciates her relationships at home, as well as her "stuff". She doesn't get bored because she's only here from 3 until 8 (bedtime) then weekends, and because that's only 5 hours a day we make it quality time. I cannot make 12 hours a day quality time.

So...here's how you can help me...those few of you still reading! A few questions you may be able to respond to?

*What can I expect Selah (6 years old, reading 2nd or 3rd grade level, major extrovert) to do on her own and for how long?

*How many times a day is it appropriate to say, "Okay, kids, go play quietly in your rooms for a little while?"

*How many days (for you homeschoolers) do you stay home completely?

*How much TV (pretty good stuff, like educational cartoons) is appropriate, in your opinion?

*How do you get your "sanity time" (if you feel like you need it)?

Thanks! Thanks for reading and letting me get all that out. This is my first chance at the computer in a long time! Hope to blog more regularly soon. :)

The Why and The How

I have been challenged lately by this ever growing thought: God is more concerned about why and how I do what I do, than simply what I do. There has got to be a clearer way to say that, but it's the best I can do after a long day!

Within obedience, within the realm of the priorities and callings, within the confines of the things He has put in our path or clearly is asking us to do right now, He is asking for more. And it's all for our good, a more abundant life, that He is doing so. He is saying, "Okay. Now You see I have put you there...in that family, in that marriage, with those kids, in that job, with that special circumstance. You're surrendered to Me, and I appreciate that. Now onto Phase Two. The "what" is answered; make sure you know the "why" (because you'll be blessed if you know, it gives it all a whole new meaning, even if the answer is just because He said so!) and make sure you pay attention to the "how" (again, you'll be blessed.)

Parenting. I'm not allowed to just do it. I have to let the Holy Spirit in me, the fragrance of Christ, lead my words, tones, actions. Gee whiz. I don't have that kind of patience and calm...but He does, and if I am dwelling with Him, in tune with Him, it will be there in reserve when I need it. Being a housewife. Making a CD. Praying for others. Caring about family, friends, and others around the world. He'll lead the way in regard to "what" I do...I used to care so much about the "what" that I would have given up a relationship with Him for a roadmap! Thank God He didn't allow that option.

My prayer and my challenge is: I want my heart and life to be honestly communing with Him in a way that will make the motives and actions and attitudes of my life all work together for His good pleasure. I long to see what it would look like for me to fully dwell, alive and awake, to His existence in me all the time. Only because of the blood, only because of the Spirit, only because of the fellowship of the Body of Christ is it possible, but it is possible. I think we trade a lot of things in for this. We swap this particular focus out for busyness and running around doing what someone told us we should be doing without ever knowing if it's what He said to do. And even if it is what He said to do, again, it is so easy to forget all about how we conduct ourselves while doing it.

Something Screwy

I am one of those kids who grew up going to church, reading my Bible at home, and learning how to have a "quiet time". My youth minister taught us how to spend time with God by ourselves, worshipping, confessing, learning, listening. I have always been a "journaler"; I have dozens of them in a box somewhere. But somewhere along the way, as much as these times with God truly meant to me, if I was too busy or if it sounded boring to go hang out with God or if I just wasn't in the mood to dive into anything serious or deep, I felt guilty. The part of me that likes sticker charts would get in high gear and I would try to make this spiritual discipline as disciplined as counting calories. My day was good (i.e. God was happy with me) if I had made that time for Him. Among other misconceptions of what God wanted from me, this was at the top of the list.

Then I heard someone say once, "We don't have to have time with God; we get to have time with God." That started a change in my perspective. Then one time later someone said to me, "You do realize that the Holy Spirit who lives in you is the equivalent of the man Jesus, right?" Yes, I knew...but did I? One of my spiritual mentors gave me a book or two by Madame Jeanne Guyon. It was specifically written for beginners in the Lord, and let me tell you it was right on my level if not higher. Again, I was learning about the constancy of this relationship that I had thought was already "so close".

And somewhere along the way it began to happen. I began to realize that none of this was sticker chart material at all. The Living God, as Jesus promised upon His ascension into Heaven, through the Holy Spirit, makes it so that I dwell with Him at all times. He will be as thick in my atmosphere as I will acknowledge that He already is. I need to meet with Him, to settle down and listen, to deeply drink and eat of His Word, to confess and intercede, to worship...He wants me and I want Him...but there is no set way it has to be done. It's just a constant turning of our hearts and minds.

He will be as thick in my atmosphere as I will acknowledge that He already is. What's screwy is that the enemy has planted the lie in some of us that God wants our work and performance more than just the simplicity of our awareness and appreciation that He is dwelling with us. When that awareness and appreciation happens, everything changes. Stickers no longer necessary.

What I've Been Up To

Gee whiz, it really has been a long time since my last blog. Thanks to an iPhone I've been borrowing (but not for much longer), I've been able to keep up with Facebook and Email...but I just cannot type on that thing for my typically long blogs. So, what has been going on? I'll tell you what I've been doing the past couple of months, but I promise it isn't anything exciting.

In March, I was pretty much convinced that winter was over and spring was coming in such a nice and concise way...December, January, and February it snowed like crazy just as it should in a picture perfect winter, and then voila, March came with some very nice temperatures and even the lovely allergies started up. I remember specifically thinking, "Wow, that was a nice winter, and it didn't drag on!" But it was a major "sike". Today, now at the end of April, I did put away our coats and mittens, so that was exciting! And only 5 weeks left of school. Surely it'll be warm by then.

Also, in March, for some reason or another, I had a horrible time sleeping, which led to intensified symptoms of my sleep disorder and adrenal fatigue. Not cool. That's partly why I both did not blog and can't recall much of what happened the past 8 weeks! I remember Selah having her tonsils out (that's when the sleep deprivation began!). I remember Spring Break, and our simple little Staycation which included the Zoo, Snappy Tomato, the Movies, Krispy Kreme, and lots of fun play days. Also, sometime around Spring Break I was bitten by the "Homeschooling Excitement Bug" and have been praying and researching that idea ever since. I am out of my mind, but I've also been bit by the "want to adopt another little girl" bug, but I doubt that one is going to work out quite as well.

Unfortunately, last week we had a little...issue. Yemi stuck a little fabric rose up her cute little nose, and it took 3 days and 3 doctors to get it out. The saga ended with, no kidding, the whole staff at Wolf and Yun singing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" to Yemi to keep her calm during the procedure. I truly hope this child has learned her lesson! I hope this phase with her ends soon, I have to say. She is so unpredictable and mischievious. Funny, but a little scary, too. I have decided that for the next month we are keeping to a really calm and regular schedule, no weekends with grandmas or special things. Sometimes we love giving our kids special surprises a little too much...I see them getting a little grabby and I don't like it. So, I started a sticker chart to help reinforce good behavior and it is making a big difference already.

Jack will start a new job in about a week. I hope it will be a good fit. We are loving Open House, our church that was planted by the Bridge Community. We meet on Saturday nights and it is extremely laid back, both very important for me and my fam. Even though I'm not doing much with music right now, it's a comfortable enough setting that I love leading worship there sometimes. I hadn't done that in YEARS. I love how deep the discussions go, too; no fluff here. Definitely let me know if you'd like to check it out.

Well, sorry I didn't have anything very deep to write about. I actually DO, my heart is so full of all God is teaching and how He is moving in me and my home!!! Good Friday was very meaningful (the storms and darkness only added to my thoughts all day), today's home worship time was amazing, and tomorrow...my favorite day of the year...I pray for more depth of understanding how Jesus' resurrection should absolutely breathe new life, joy, and hope into every moment of my day, every day.

Quilts On Sale Now Through End of May!

Super Spring Sale!

These are just a few of the quilts we are selling for New Hope for Cambodian Children. This ministry helps HIV+ widows by giving them employment (quilt making is part of that project), ARV medications, healthy meals, and education for their children. Right now, we are taking the price of large quilts down from $100 to $70, and the price of the baby quilts will go from $50 to $35. Free Shipping. These make meaningful and literally life giving Mother's Day and Baby Shower Gifts. Each quilt comes with information about the ministry and the quilter herself. To see ALL the quilts, click on my facebook album link:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=404180&id=639925320&l=5c792ecbba

Please please please contact me if you are interested or have questions about a quilt. You can email me at lyndsaytaylor@mac.com, find me on Facebook, or respond to this blog. Thank you!

Some Girls

"She thinks she is never enough.

Even if she looked at her accomplishments, relationships, experiences, the love she has given and received, things she has created, thoughts and songs and lessons she has put out into the world, and the places she has lived and learned...she would still feel it is not enough.

What would it take for her to feel like a "real" anything? A real writer, a real missionary, a real musician, a real you fill in the blank.

I know the secret.

How can she be the most thriving and alive woman she can be? How can she live life in this confusing world to the fullest?

She should not look for herself or look at herself or try to get others to look either. What matters about her is one thing. One identity alone defines and illuminates her for all time. Other identities are a shadow in comparison, only one is vital...

She is accepted in the Beloved. She is known, deeply, by the Lord. She is on a journey down that aisle to the One who loved her even unto death, Jesus. She can go as deep and as far into this relationship as she dares to go, but she cannot have two masters. She cannot serve the world and all it wants her to be if she is going to pursue Him. She can't care about both, not in her heart of hearts which reflects in her daily life, thoughts, desires, and actions.

She thinks she is never enough, but she chose to not be. She glories in the choice she made, to let go of the pursuits that promised to satisfy her hunger. It is simple and it is not applauded, but she will be ready on that Day."

March 26th, How I Feel Today

Wow, it has been a WEEK. A week that felt like a month!

The Lord has really sustained me as I have lost a lot of sleep the past 2 weeks during Selah's surgery/recovery and Jack being out of town. Several times, I have definitely felt low. But several prayer times, several conversations, and several just sweet moments have literally lifted me back to my feet again. I don't know exactly what my motivation is in writing this blog today, but I want to share my health situation with anyone reading. So many times I've just known this basic fact: Because I look well when people see me, they really don't know what is going on most of the time. There is NO ONE breathing down my neck about it, and I don't feel like there is, but I just want people to know...yet I don't want to bring it up and talk about it all the time either.

So here's the deal. For ten years, since living in Africa (after some major sicknesses/surgery there), I have been living "half-mast". I cannot keep a full time job; I cannot even keep a part time job. I'm so thankful that I don't have to, and that I can focus on my family, health, and walk with God because when you have to conserve energy, you learn to do first things first. You really learn to prioritize. My symptoms and energy level are off and on. Sometimes I feel too bad to do anything for a few hours a day and then feel good a few hours in that same day. It was great to find out (after 9 years of no information) that I have "Chronic Adrenal Fatigue" or hypoadrenia; also, I've known for about 8 years that I have a sleep disorder "ideopathic Hypersomnia".

In understanding these disorders, it has been a relief to know I'm not crazy or the first one to have this exact set of symptoms (which is basically just exhaustion and needing 12 solid hours of sleep every night to feel well). If you want to know how I feel, just think back to a time when you pulled an "all-nighter" or were jet lagged. You couldn't think straight, had a headache or maybe stomach yuckiness because of the sleep deprivation, didn't feel like doing anything but putting your head face down in a pillow. If you've ever done this for days at a time, you start to also feel jittery and your immune and nervous systems plummet and you're scared to even drive a car because you really don't know if you're "with it" enough. Okay. That's how I feel. That's why for the past 2 years, I have learned to just say no to pretty much everything I've been asked to do, especially if it was in the morning.

Good news though, it was awesome to find out what I could do about the adrenal fatigue. I'm one year into treatment. I am definitely better, as long as I do everything in the book. Sometimes though, no matter how I eat, or what supplements I take, or how I have improved a myriad of things in my lifestyle, I still feel this way. The sleep disorder I cannot do anything else about, but pray. Right now I feel like the sleep disorder is the real problem and I'm considering going back for another sleep test. I take natural supplements and thankfully am off all prescriptions; but even though I sleep well, I still need 12 hours a night. I have slept 10-14 hours almost every night for a year, and it's not "working itself out." I'm not catching up.

Lately, I admit, I have felt a real despair about this. I was content and had adjusted my life around my bedtime, wake up time, nap time..just very, very limited, very structured, no room for anything or anyone else because I had to do these things for myself. But I guess I started to feel frustrated that I was in my bed 14 hours a day! I wanted to be able to meet with some girls who were looking for a mentor, I wanted to be able to sing again, I wanted to get out and do normal things like take my daughter to school in the morning. And maybe I can do some of those things, but it's so hard to work around these disorders!!! Ultimately I've learned the happy truth that my life is GOD'S life and He can do whatever He wants with it. I genuinely mean that. If my life is for Him, then I won't be worried if I can't do everything I want to do...I can trust if He wanted me to do it, He'd provide what I need. If He wants me to exist on a better level than this, He will bring me through a healing process. And that is what I am asking for, that's what I've been asking for for 10 years.

Sometimes it is very frustrating for someone to say, "Jesus healed everyone He met, so it is always His will to heal." I agree that He loves to heal, but I know that He has been molding me during this time--honestly everything I have learned, great decisions/priorities I have chosen in the past few years, changes in my character--none of that would have happened without this sickness. It had purpose, and maybe it has more purpose. (If it has no more purpose, oh sweet Jesus, either heal me or bring me Home!) I like the idea that God wants us all fully functioning at our highest and happiest level, fully alive, just achieving like crazy for His Name. But I don't know. Here's what I do know: We are here to be transformed, to be made ready for the Wedding Day when Jesus gets His Bride, the Church. We're getting ready to meet Him face to face, that's what every minute of every day of our lives is about, whether we want it to be about that or not. In sickness or in health, whatever He chooses for me, I know I am going through the exact process He wants me in for His glory and for our eternity together.

I am filled with hope just in writing the end of this blog! I hope it encourages you in whatever trials God has chosen for your life. I wrote a blog in the past about suffering so I won't re-write, but there are different sources of those trials and it's important to decipher in order to not stay in an unnecessary wilderness. But if you are walking with God, remember He will raise a path in your wilderness, regardless of what it looks like in the flesh, we are alive in the Spirit! Thanks for letting me share, and for your understanding through the years. Hopefully this blog helped you understand a little more. :)

Raising A Generation...

I have been wanting to write on this topic for awhile, and tonight I feel like I might have the words to say.

Tonight, I went to a worship and prayer service, and on the very front row were two little girls. I had seen them at church before, and I know they are children in the foster care system. They are about 3 and 4 years old, and they've been staying with a particular couple off and on for months. Those little girls were completely worshipping the Lord. No adult was helping them or telling them what to do, but they were looking up to the Lord, singing, arms raised. One of them was holding a baby with one arm, while the other was raised up in praise. For over an hour. It was a beautiful sight. One day, sooner or later, these girls will go back to their home, and they will take something new with them. Something more than clothes and education and a few fun memories of a stable family life. Even at this young age, especially at this young age, they can start their story with Jesus.

And I am so challenged. I know we don't get to choose the ministry we commit our lives or a season of our lives to; I have learned that lesson, and want to make it clear that we don't go out and help someone out of compulsion. We don't just jump on board a good idea; we serve with the strength God provides and He provides a different kind of strength, a different avenue of obedience for each of us. But for many of us, I wonder if the Lord wants to heal a broken system (the family) using the Church, and I wonder if that is part of us showing the world what His Kingdom looks like, and lastly I wonder if possibly we haven't even ASKED Him if there is another way He would want to build our families...

Many of us have this great hope, this beautiful picture, of our little sons and daughters, and we value our job of raising them in the admonition of the Lord. We want to raise them to be compassionate, generous, even sacrificial. We want to teach them how to hear the Lord and know Him well. Perhaps, and I do genuinely mean perhaps because I do not know, perhaps He is calling us to do this great job of raising children in the Lord, but not necessarily biological children. This is hard, but truth: We aren't entitled to children. As bondservants of the Lord Jesus, our money, home, decisions, even our bodies, are for Him, not for us. So just as every other part of our life, we don't have this innate right to ourselves and to our wants. Just because we have the ability to have a bunch of kids, I'm not sure that necessarily means that is what the Lord is calling us to do, for His glory and His ultimate purpose. (It might be though! For sure, it is between a couple and the Lord!) My point is that we must surrender it to Him; we must make sure we are not holding this picture perfect idea of "Our Family" an arms length away from Him. Honestly, learning this lesson is pretty vital for survival whether you "build your family outside the box" or not. Our kids will disappoint us sometimes and we will suffer deeply if we are not holding them loosely, knowing our God-given role of raising them as an act of obedience regardless of the outcome.

I personally get afraid of getting in over my head. I have done some radical and sacrificial things in my life, and I feel sometimes like I've suffered for it instead of being blessed. But I did what I believed God was saying to do, personally to me, and regardless of my suffering, I believe He was blessed and honored by my faith. He says we are blessed if we suffer for doing good. I don't think in the end we will ever truly be sorry for giving, loving, and suffering when it is a direct consequence of personal obedience, even if in the flesh it looks like it wasn't a good idea.

Fostering and adopting absolutely means opening your front door to suffering. But have you ever asked God to take you some place where you can help others in need? Have you ever felt the desire to serve somewhere difficult, knowing that is where people need Jesus the most? You probably thought it would be a short term thing, right? Maybe it will be. But maybe not! Maybe He is giving the Church the grace and wisdom to claim for Him the next generation, through the gentleness of a mother and the patient direction of a father who loves the Lord. It may be a little more than we were planning to offer Him, to be honest. But I am challenged to offer Him my heart, my parenting, my years of child-rearing...my picture perfect Family.

Selah's Tonsillectomy and Adenoidectomy

We are on the third day of Selah's recovery--and I've had way more ice cream that I intended.

On Thursday morning, we barely heard our alarm clocks wake us up at 5:06 a.m. and we were in the car by 5:15. I actually had slept in my clothes, jewelry, everything but my shoes, the night before. Yeah, mornings are not my forte. Selah was in a great mood. She is such an adventurous and positive person. The surgery center got us registered quickly and back in pre-op quickly as well. They gave her "silly juice", which tasted bad, and about 20 minutes later she started to get a little tired. I thought it would be awful when they wheeled her back to surgery but it wasn't. She told me today she remembers that they put warm blankets on her and had her blow into a mask, then she went to sleep. (The silly juice is supposed to take away their memory of the whole thing, but obviously it didn't work.)

30 minutes later, the surgeon came to the waiting room to tell us everything went great and she was waking up in recovery. We went back there and stayed for about an hour and a half. Selah was upset and shivering, but I could tell she just wasn't awake fully and her throat was dry. They put her on my lap in a recliner, she drank some juice, had a bit of a popsicle, and they put some medicine in her IV, which put her to sleep almost comically fast.

When she woke up, she was better, and we basically dressed her and put her in the car. She slept all the way home, and I held her juice in my hand the whole time so that she could sip whenever she needed it. The most important things I would tell any parents are: Never hold off on a dose of painkillers (don't wait for them to need it), it's fine to give Motrin 2 hours after every dose of painkillers, and dehydration is the biggest concern. They need at least 3 oz of liquid per hour, so if they sleep a few hours, they need about 9 oz to make up for it when they wake up.

Once we got home, this little girl was ready to watch Hannah Montana and eat popsicles, which she did all day. That night Jack and I both got up every four hours to give her meds and get her to drink juice. On Friday, she had another good day, but some tummy troubles. (I am wondering if it was the ice cream because today, Saturday, her stomach has been fine and she didn't ask for any ice cream.) Today, she slept late and is still in bed watching shows. She's enjoyed having a few visitors and getting some cards, flowers, and Princess-y crafts to do. I have truly enjoyed having mommy-daughter sleep-over time together. I happen to love watching Hannah Montana and snuggling in bed, and I don't mind running upstairs for soup and popsicles every half hour either. :)

It Is March

Wow. I just need a second to let it in sink in. It is March. I have a lot of things I could blog about but today I just want to start off the week catching folks up with my life! Maybe it will ensure my clarity about it as well, that's always nice. ;) ---------------------------------------- First of all: God is good and I am enjoying this place of simple trust. Something wonderful happens when you truly believe that there are no problems between people, only problems between people and God (Martha Kilpatrick says this). Nothing can come to us outside of His allowance, so our issue needs to be taken up with Him, and He is more than willing to go there with us. I am learning more about carrying the cross with Him, learning about not loving my own life (and what I wanted out of life), and honestly, the big picture of why I'm here. ---------------------------------------- Secondly: My health has been rough, and I'm still praying for healing as well as trying to stay on track to do the things that make me healthy. I found out about a new little treatment and going for it this week; I feel hopeful. Getting back off sugar is important, too, but I struggle with that because after a couple of weeks I usually start to think, "Why am I doing this? Moderation is okay.." But for someone with adrenal fatigue, sugar is the devil, and do we allow the devil in moderation? No. ---------------------------------------- Thirdly: My family is so precious. They are loud and crazy, but we are in love. I feel a special calling to my husband right now, and so thankful for this chance to believe God with him. He is leaving his current employment and I am excited about what the future holds, but even more excited that God is reaching to him and drawing him close. That is my only true concern and prayer. Yemi is talking. A LOT. She has gone from saying, "Hold you" and "Rock me" to things like: "I want to go home, cuddle with daddy, and watch Dora." She says, "I want to rock and read Hop on Pop." In the morning, she says, "I want a jelly butter", which means a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (for breakfast!). She saw Jack's Bible laying out and she said, "I want to read Bible!" (I didn't know she knew the difference between a Bible and other books.) Selah is doing so well in Kindergarten! She is well-loved, articulate, and excelling in reading, math, and overall kindness and love. She told me that when you are a Christian, "God gives you the energy to love." It is obvious in her life. She is a unique little child of God, and I feel honored to be the mommy of these girls! She is having her tonsils and adenoids out on Thursday and I can tell she is really nervous about it. Pray for us if you think of it. ---------------------------------------- On the outskirts of my life: We are a part of Open House, which is a gathering of believers on Saturday night here in E-town. We love it and are thankful for it. We have always (since I was a kid) journeyed in community on this path with Jesus, and love the people we are journeying with in this season. I led worship there one week and enjoyed that. I am making another CD with some friends, and am excited about the new songs. My hope is to do about 15 concerts, mainly in homes, in 2011. I am planning to start a Nutrition Support Group, where others who desire to be serious about this can come, learn, and keep each other strong. I am still selling quilts for a ministry to widows with HIV in Cambodia and have a new idea that may possibly help get those sold... ---------------------------------------- Spring is around the corner. The Lord's return is, too. Let us be found burning, a strong flame for the right things. The Lord will tell you personally what the right things are for you. Above all, first and last, will be your intimate relationship with Him. Everything else, literally everything else, is temporary and not worthy of our everything.

A Conversation

You can think I'm crazy when I say I have conversations with God, or you can believe me because you do, too. Either way is perfectly acceptable. Last night, I was honored to gather my super-talented friends around to start practicing for my next CD, and it is just completely taking me by surprise! We had a great time, worked through about five songs, and everyone was just incredible...but afterwards I told Jack, "It feels so weird to be doing this. I know God is making it happen, I just can't understand why." ---------------------------- So I was about to go to bed, and the Lord said, "Why does it feel so weird that I am making this CD come together?" After thinking a lot about it, I thought, "I guess because You have taken away everything that was all about me, my identity and reputation and anything that I thought I was or could do..." And He so quickly replied, "Don't worry, this CD is not about you either." He's not doing anything different or new...no, this is just a continuation. Now I will learn how to stay empty of my identity, reputation, and ability in the midst of "doing" things again that are a little more public. --------------------------- Not that I am ready, but I see how for the past few years God couldn't allow me to do anything that felt like it was special, or an accomplishment, even a conversation with someone where I walked away feeling like I had helped them, because I still put too much priority on "doing things for Him." He rescued me from that mentality and lifestyle. I thought to go back to "doing" anything (what we might think of as ministry or something with our name on it) would be returning to that shallow existence. My life is hidden in Christ though now, and there are no words to describe what that feels like, what that IS like. It's amazing to be gloriously oblivious to success or failure because that is not my race. My race is to know Him, and I have no energy for any other! So I feel like I can enjoy this CD process, as long as it doesn't get out of balance with my time with the Lord and my family and my health (which is so difficult right now again!) Can't wait to share more about it, and let my little songs get out to someone who might be pointed to Jesus through them!

Hope

Now that I am a "weekend blogger", I think of things all week that I'd like to process here, but then when I sit down, I think, "What were those things?" So, regardless of what I may have been thinking about all week long, right now I am thinking about HOPE.
------------------------- Sara Groves has a song I love, not sure of the title, but the chorus goes like this: "Hope has a way of turning its face to you just when you least expect it. You walk in a room and look out a window and something there leaves you breathless. You say to yourself it's been a while since I felt this, but it feels like it might be hope."
------------------------- This song came on the other day when I was praying for someone I love, someone who needs to walk in a room and look out a window and see something that leaves them breathless. We all have to have hope, we have to. The enemy suggests to us that if we hope, we will just be disappointed, and we don't want to go through that pain again, right? But we can't stop there or we'll just become so cold. Our hope can't be in a plan or an idea or in any one thing, noble or not, that we think we must have or have happen; our hope must be in something, Someone, much more worthy of our hope. When we have lost hope in the Lord, as stark as it may sound, it is because we have expected Him to be something that He is not (or has not chosen to show about Himself YET if we are biblically sound in our hopes.)
---------------------------------- There are several statements I could make that describe what I think this time on earth is all about, and those beliefs get me through. One of those statements is: We are here to be given chances to believe, to hope, to grow a mature and simple faith through the difficulties of this short life. If our offering to the Lord is faith, and we know biblically that it is, then every crappy thing that comes our way can be seen as an opportunity to respond in blind, ridiculous, happy hope. Hope in getting a great job or getting perfectly healed or having no problems with our children? No. Hope in the Lord, His Word, His intrinsic goodness, and His personal love for us.
---------------------------------- I want to die a foolish person of hope, hanging on with a grin to this idea I have of Jesus: that He is waiting for me with open arms and there is nothing, not cancer, not bankruptcy, not any worst case scenario to be imagined, that can change that fact. Our family is and has been facing suffering; there are so many questions, but I am helped by Lamentations 3...
"When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions. Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return." Lamentations 3 (The Message)

1 Corinthians 3

It is so cool how meditating on a passage of Scripture for a long time really does bring new life and understanding. I used to think "a long time" was like...um...five minutes? I have always been a "quantity" reader of the Word (so sad), but that comes from my student mentality probably. Check things off the list, get a star on your chart, etc. That was me.

But not too awful long ago, as the Lord has changed me from the inside out, one of the new things that has happened is I am reading the same thing over and over and just honestly telling God that I have no clue what He meant by what He said. And not moving on, just hanging in there for a while, knowing I won't get it unless He helps me. And like a month later, I'll be folding clothes or driving down the road and the Lord will direct my mind to an understanding, an unfolding, of something in that passage I had never noticed or "gotten" before. How neat. Thanks God.

Well, for about 3 weeks I have been reading 1 Corinthians Chapter 3, and honestly it was just because I was supposed to offer a tiny little insight on it at church (Open House). So...the main points of it are that the foundation of our faith is Jesus, the wisdom of the world is foolishness to God, and leaders of the church are all equal so don't worry too much about who you follow, they are just all building on the foundation of Christ. What is crying out to me about this passage is: humility! I have tried so many times to impress God and be a model "student" for Him, you know? I remember one time not long ago, I said (in my true desire for holiness, but still thinking I could somewhat attain to it on my own), "God, I want to be transformed to be like Jesus!!" And He spoke so clearly. He said, "No, you don't. You want to be independent of Me."

That was so eye-opening. He knew in my heart of hearts I wanted to be perfect and holy so that I wouldn't need to be dependent on Him. I wanted that power and ability, and He is looking for humility instead--people who know they have no good in them without absolute dependency on His grace and relationship. The foundation of our faith is Jesus, grace, the blood, the cross; we can't escape it. It is foolishness in the world's eyes, it takes humility to believe it, but that doesn't make it any less true. As I was thinking about this passage, the Lord also brought to mind how vital it is for leaders in the church to remember this foundation...are we used to thinking we have to look strong? Have we forgotten the weakness that God uses to shame the strong? Why are we often drawn to thinking success in church/ministry should look like success in the world/business?

There is a lot more that I am learning from this passage, but I need to go to bed...I don't even know if any of this made sense, as Jack had the TV on and is coughing really loud and driving me CRAZY! LOL:) But, I just wanted to write. Good night, friends! Have a wonderful weekend!

Hi Friends!

Well, we had a nice little "psych" from Spring yesterday, didn't we? I had a funny response to it. As thrilled as I was to go outside without socks or a coat on, I thought to myself, "wow, I haven't even made a couple of those soup recipes yet and it's already getting warm!" Not that I was complaining...I just have to admit that thought ran through my mind. The sunshine was good for my soul, and then of course it was pretty much a normal blustery winter again today. It has been a very, um, interesting month and a half since Christmas. It feels like a year and a half since Christmas to me. Everyone in my family has been sick twice, and I've been the healthiest one of all as opposed to several winters past. Yay for good nutrition, supplements, and getting as much rest as humanly (and motherly) possible.
I have missed writing, blogging, etc, but at the same time it has sort of been nice to not have a computer and not feel responsible to do the things one does when they have a computer at their constant disposal (that can't be the right word...disposal? That makes no sense. I don't know.) Anyway, I have felt more focused at times without Facebook and blogging available to me; yet it is a balance, an important balance, because all work and no play makes Jack's wife a dull girl.
My mind has been on a lot of things in the past 2 months while I haven't been sharing much out loud. I am embracing my calling as wife and mom in a deeper way, and relying 100% on the Lord for what I need to do that. I am sitting in a place where I can receive grace (meaning, I really know I need it). I am literally reveling in the Lord and smiling at the way He sees more, which leads to more worship, more intimacy, more strength, more joy. I can tell people are praying seriously for me, and I am so grateful. I'm seeing the Lord open a couple of doors for me to sing again, and the best part is, I know I can completely be myself and offer what small gift I have to offer and not look back wondering if I was good enough or deep enough or not too whatever. I had felt free in the past, but somehow in my serious issues with church/ministry I had lost that freedom. I am free again because the Lord is teaching me how unimportant I truly am in the whole thing...What a concept. It's wonderful. I really can "just be."
Hope to be back again to blog soon, because I have a couple things to write about...but we'll see! Blessings-

Nutrition Group!?!

I am really excited about an idea...

And it feels do-able...

So here's the details:

Over the past couple of years, I have come across a good bit of pretty life-changing information about food. When you have kids, you typically start looking into the health of what they're eating (since they eat so much and so often!), plus I wanted to lose weight, plus I was dealing with fatigue, insomnia, and just illness in general. As stones were turned over and I put things in practice, I began to see long term change in each of these areas. Now, the real issue is do I follow all the good advice and do all I should now that I know what I know? Unfortunately, I can't always say I do...but when I do, I absolutely see results and I know that if I can see results on the outside, then there are definitely results on the inside. (Plus, blood tests have proved it anyway.)

So, what I want to do is start a nutrition class/support group, and share what I have learned (and am still learning!) I want to cover what to eat, what not to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, and the biggest thing: the why behind it all. I want to talk about issues like good fats that you need to cook with/eat vs. ingredients that you should really never put in your body. I'd also like to talk about weight loss stuff (I'm always drawn to this topic because it's always been an issue for me) and using food, supplements, and natural medicine to deal with many illnesses that especially women deal with. After the "teaching" time is done, (maybe four sessions) we could continue to see each other once a month just for support. I could personally use that. It is hard to stay on the straight and narrow!!!

I do sometimes wonder if everyone else already knows this information and I was the slow one...If that is the case, we can at least be a support group for each other even if no one learns anything new!

If you read this blog and are interested in joining the group, respond by answering some of these questions:

*Would you rather come to a one-time seminar or 4 meetings (once a week for a month)?

*Would you be interested in continuing as a support group for a few months after the teaching?

*Would you want to come mornings or evenings?

*Would you like to be notified when I write a nutrition blog?

Thanks! I really believe there is a lot of unnecessary suffering--sometimes even in things as serious as insomnia, depression, fatigue, diabetes, obesity--due to lack of knowledge. I have SO much to learn and what I have learned, I want to share!