Some Encouraging Words

I went back and read the last blog I wrote. While most of it makes sense to me, I can tell some of it was Ambien-induced! It is cool how the Lord can speak even in the midst of exhaustion though; it is kind of rare in my experience, but His intervention is what I've been praying for, so I shouldn't be so surprised to get it.

When I went back to read it, I was excited to find that nugget of truth about how the Lord wants to lead me beside still waters and restore my soul. I may feel like I need hours and hours of tea-sipping, book-reading, nap-time to make it through the day, and since I can't have that I may think I'll never get well, but in all reality, there is a rest in the Lord and in His Spirit that I can not get from hours of relaxation in the physical realm. Of all things I can change and work toward to make this life a little healthier, balanced, and happy, my time with Him and my connection to His truth are the real life-givers.

"Physical training is of some value but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." (I Tim. 4:8) It is a relief that I needed to feel, to know that I may fail at ALL THINGS, seriously not ever get it right, but if I am dwelling in truth and love with my Maker and His Word, the most important thing is secure. That helps me chill. And for me, chilling is good!

Honesty

This entry isn't quite as fun as the last...no pictures, because believe me, you don't want to see this! I am having such a rough time with my health, and oh how it seeps, overflows, floods, ruins other parts of my life. For so many years I have wrestled and fought, filling journals up with schedules and diets and knowledge that would fit in everything I need...the right amount of rest, the right amount of work, the right amount of this and that type of food, exercise, social life, prayer time, family time, oh my gosh, the list goes on. It's like I think that if I do everything just right then how could my body not respond with health? At the same time as all this struggle, for so many years I have also surrendered. I've given it to God and even said, "Fine. You obviously don't have the life for me that I thought You had. I will live like this, I am Your's. It doesn't matter..." It does matter, but He knows what I mean. It isn't everything. We are eternal, and this is temporary. I do think that acceptance and faith go hand in hand, which is certainly a goal of our time here.

But even that seems to have a limit. The fact is there is a balance, a fight, a tight rope I have to walk in the midst of trying to also stay in a place of humility and surrender to the Lord and His plan to heal or to not heal. I am delirious with hope that I could find the problem(s) and not have to claw my way through every single thing I do. When I think I've hit on it, I turn to the Lord to excitedly say, "Is this what this has all been about? Can I be free now?" So far, the answer has not been yes. It's confusing, and I can honestly say I am not angry about going through what I am going through, I am angry about having this deep feeling that it's up to me, who I am, and what I do to be healed. It means that I can try my very hardest my whole life, wearing myself out for a healthy life and a healthy family, living in balance and in God's will whatever that may be, and still have no results because of one thing I didn't try. I'm angry to be put in such a situation. It's not up to me to fix me. But that's exactly how I feel. Is my life in His hands or mine?

I can't find the right responses for the things that hit me all day. I am stressed and exhausted over things that just aren't a big deal. I'm always telling Selah to stop talking, always telling Yemi to stop screaming. I can't get away enough, even though in my heart of hearts I want to be with them a lot, in a different circumstance. I want to sip hot tea, curl up with a book, meditate, pray, take long walks, stare at something beautiful, listen to silence, slip away to see a friend or two, but then come home in plenty of time for a relaxing path to bedtime. Huge changes have been made to make life a little closer to this dream, but i begin to wonder, "how long is it going to be about me here?" The books I am reading say this is vital to my treatment and healing. And I hear God in that question, too. I hear Him quickly entering into the discussion, answering in a way that this overachiever ministry drop-out is surprised by. He says "I'll lead you beside still waters. I'll restore your soul." I don't think He's worried about how long that will take...

All this writing to come to the conclusion that all my efforts may or may not result in change, healing, balance...but the most important effort is taking Jesus's offer to stroll along the riverbank together, to feel that kind of personal protection of "I'll restore your soul", "i'll make a place at the table for you before your enemies". This is the one effort that receives a reward, and the one that needs the most attention put to it. When it all feels overwhelming, spiritual training wins.

It's been a long day, much too long...but I did rejoice this morning because my family and I went to church for the first time in months. I was able to get up, and boy have I suffered for it today! But it IS the end of the day, and I am heading to bed. Praying for grace for the next week, and praying that I won't overthink everything and just be led by those quiet waters.

Time and Other Things That Fly!

I really can't believe it.

One year ago I was boarding a plane. Like all international adventures I had set out on, there were lots of forms to fill out; lots of wondering about things like "will the airline have our reservation?" and "am I really leaving tonight?"; and lots of jet-lag, zombie-like fatigue as we bounced from airport lobby to airport lobby. There was one thing different one year ago though. I was not alone as I most always was in travels of the past. Jack and I traveled to Ethiopia as a pair and came back as a trio.

A very small, very wide eyed, very dependent little 14 pound 8 and a half month old baby girl was in our arms. 16 hour flight. A little bit of sleep, a little bit of crying, quite a lot of staring at the seat in front of us and thinking, "Will this ever end? Was that seriously only just 5 minutes that passed since the last time I looked?" And I'll just go ahead and say it, because it was such an ordeal for all of us adopting parents on the plane, there was a lot of poo! My word! Those poor little bellies, and poor little mommies trying to clean it up in the 1 sq. ft. bathrooms.

Jack took care of it a couple times, and once, when he had to change her clothes because of the major blow-out, he put the yucky diaper in one bag and her equally yucky outfit in another bag. ONE of these bags I held onto in my backpack all the way back to my bathroom in Kentucky, because I wanted to wash it and pretend such things had never occurred! However, when I emptied this bag into my sink, you guessed it...I had carried home a disgusting soiled bag of poo. The outfit? In some airline garbage bin.

(The following pictures are of Yemi's room in the orphanage, shared by about a dozen babies. The woman was one of her nannies, Susanna.)

But alas, moving on...we made it. We arrived at the airport on April 25th to a boatload of people, tears in their eyes; it was obvious they had been praying us home. What a group effort the journey to Yemi had been! That's exactly what I hoped it would be. I think it changed many of us along the way...our world view, our openness to different races and cultures, it taught us perseverance, and gave us to hold in our very hands and hearts one of the precious jewels of Africa.

For a million reasons, I'm so glad God led us to adopt. I admit, I'm also glad it's over! But there is no length I wouldn't have traveled to bring her home. She is my daughter; heart of my heart. My second born. Connected for life by our brown eyes that meet adoringly.

Teaching Lessons

So today was my last day of teaching lessons. It's really bizarre how I've been praying about this for a year, but it still seems like it happened all of a sudden. Last year with Yemi coming (exactly one year ago, April 25th) I had sort of secretly hoped I would not continue working for much longer. I only taught piano, voice, and beginning guitar one day a week though, and truly enjoyed it, so it wasn't a big deal to keep going.

Then in September of last year I started having more intense problems with my sleep disorder/fatigue weirdness thing, and my throat and voice became specifically under attack. It was really odd; I still don't know what is going on, but I can't sing much and my throat feels very tight and clenched. A bit alarming. I am going to have a scope done on May 3rd and we'll see if there is something there; if not, it could be the sleeping meds I take causing the problem. That would be the best possibility out there at this point, and of course my prayer is for God's healing, and that I would not need those nasty things ever again!

I love my students. Some I had been teaching for the past 4 years, and have seen them grow up before my very eyes. I am really proud of each of them! My favorite thing is to teach students how to sing and play their instruments at the same time, work on song writing, and develop their own artistry. I also really enjoy teaching theory, which I snuck in there any chance I had. I enjoyed helping my voice students be true to their own voice, and communicate a message well. It is such a privilege to spend one-on-one time with young people; it's a real honor. I think all of our conversations, laughter, and of course time learning music has been beneficial and worshipful. I may not be able to stay away for long!

Am I Crazy to Be Homeschooling?

Today is one of those days I would gladly send Selah Jordan Taylor away on a big yellow school bus. No tears, no sentimental moments thinking about how sad it is for her to be out of the house 8 hours a day. But most days of the week, I don't feel this way. Most days, I feel like there is nothing else I'd rather be doing and no one else I'd rather invest in than my two daughters, and that very sentence has led me down the path to the rather controversial decision to homeschool. ----------------------------------------------------- Everyone has an opinion, but making a decision that WE can live with is really all that matters in the end. Will I always go back and forth wondering if I'm doing the right thing? Am I correct in believing that Selah will have much different habits, attitudes, and values if I have more time with her than public schoolteachers? Will I be creative and enthusiastic and motivated enough for this to be a good experience? If I am not healed, how can I do this? If I am not healed, how can I NOT do this? ----------------------------------------------------- Selah and I enjoyed this year of home school preschool. She is so advanced she could probably fit right into first grade this coming fall. It has been genuinely quality time that I would not have had with her since Yemi has joined the family. I am positive she will learn a wider and deeper range of information on more important (in my book!) subjects if I home school, and I am positive she will feel close and special to me as well. She will have plenty of interaction with friends through church, sports, AWANA, small group, etc., and we will be less busy as a family because so much can get done during the day time--these are two very important aspects of life to me. SO...may the Lord's will be done. Pray for me!

Long Time No See

I've thoroughly and completely loved and squeezed the life out of spring these past 2 weeks. It has been glorious! You will not catch me complaining of the heat or allergies, because I don't even care! It's felt too good to be true. I'm not a "crier", but it has brought me to tears several times to see the world (and me!) come alive again!

This winter I began comparing the coming spring to Jesus's return. Not necessarily on purpose, it was just that parallels kept coming to my mind. Some days I looked outside to the cold grey wetness and realized it was taking faith to believe spring would come, just like I see the burdens of the world stretched out ahead of me and behind me, making it hard to believe all this could be washed and new and beautiful ever ever ever again. Sure, spring comes every year, just like we've been told since childhood that Jesus was coming back, but you do begin to wonder. Then all of a sudden (just as He will come, as a thief in the night!), we could go out without our coats, and not only without our coats but in shorts! The little feeble plants of last summer had long been deep and covered in the ground; all I saw was death and remains when I looked at those flower beds! And then, just as the dead in Christ shall rise, in rich, colorful coats these frail plants of last season popped out of the dirt and screamed, "YES! It is time!!!" They are beautiful and brand new, and so shall we be. Those who have suffered in the name of Jesus, those who have obeyed to the end, will wear their white robes, and I don't know the half of it, but the day will come when our hearts truly don't have a care in the world. The time of toil and waiting and even faith will be over, and we'll stroll. (When was the last time you strolled?) What was dead, He will make alive. What was sick, He will heal. What was dark, He will lighten. What was long and hard and brutal and sad, He will deliver! Spring came, and so shall He!

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us NEW BIRTH into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never spoil or fade-kept in Heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time." 1 Peter 1:3-5

March Already?

So...time sure flies by when you spend every few weeks in bed sick! Gee whiz.

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I'm excited because I'm going to a new doctor tomorrow; she's all about wholeness and natural remedies, getting to the root of the issue, and not taking a prescription drug for every little problem (opposite of my past doctors!) I am sure hoping that the Lord uses her to put some puzzle pieces in and share some wisdom on anything I can learn or do to feel better more often.

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I'm supposed to be writing about quiet times lately, and I haven't done it! I can't even remember what I wrote last time...But anyway, I think today I'll just say a few things I do during or as my quiet time that are strengthening, connecting, and perhaps a little different.

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-getting in a hot bubble bath and praying through a Voice of the Martyrs or World Vision magazine (these are so valuable for global intercession; keeps me from saying, "Lord, bless Africa" and nothing specific.)

-prayer walking (walking and praying! pretty easy!)

-turning on ihop.org (prayer room) or a worship CD and singing/praying along

-listen to a podcast or message by Martha Kilpatrick, Shelley Hundley, other teachers from ihop

-prayer nap (I don't go to sleep, but I just lay down and rest and let the Holy Spirit lead my prayers completely. He always takes me to places I wouldn't have went if I had been sitting up, more in control of that time.)

-reading and then meditating and/or journaling. Some GREAT books are Adoration by Martha Kilpatrick, 100 Days in the Secret Place compiled by Gene Edwards, Streams in the Desert compiled by Mrs. Charles Spurgeon, and of course, most of all, the Bible! When I read a book, I usually journal through it or write notes along the side so that I make the most of the information personally.

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Just some thoughts...God is definitely longing for us to draw near, or at least realize HE is drawing near! I long to be faithful to come to Him.

quiet???

Quiet times? Is there any such thing as quiet...at this stage of life...in this home? With a coughing husband, a small echoing thin walled squeaky floored house, a baby wanting to get up from a nap, and a daughter who refuses to understand the rule to stay in her room during this hour, this hour which we recognize every single day??? The four o'clock hour. This is my only hour alone. I am a creative introvert, and I require lots of quiet and free space to think...otherwise, I feel a little crazy and if someone asks me a simple question, I go, "Uh...um...huh?" So, this one tiny hour. I need like 5 of them. And God is, in His sweet love for me, asking me to spend it with Him. He always rewards those who seek Him. (I desire to be more faithful!)

I think one of the hardest parts of having this time with God is staying focused during it. Sometimes having a plan isn't as unspiritual and uncreative as one might think! I learned ACTS a long time ago. It's a good way to get focused in His presence really; adoring Him --confessing sin--thanking Him (specifically)--supplication (laying before Him your needs and others). A plan for Bible study isn't a bad idea either, instead of just jumping in a new book every day. Reading through a book of the Bible, going slow and meditating and memorizing and letting it sink in, is wonderful. If there's something I don't understand or am not getting anything new from it, I just go on. We are taking in truth; we can't go wrong! Sometimes I journal everything about this prayer time, actually writing out my adoration, confession, thanks, and supplication, and sometimes I just write down a couple things He showed me during it. Another thing that usually helps is that if my mind wanders to something totally random, I will actually pray about that thing, even if it's a TV show, I'll pray for the people in it or whatever. One time I sensed the enemy's aggravation when I did this, so I keep doing it!! If what comes to your mind is a to-do list, put an actual to-do list next to your quiet time spot and write down what comes to mind so you won't forget it.

The last thing in regard to mind wandering/weakness of mind and heart during quiet time is that when we spend this time with God, we aren't always going to walk away with our faces shining like Moses. We shouldn't feel bad or empty if we took in His word, prayed for who He brought to our mind, and praised Him but didn't walk away changed and glorious and exuberant. This is faith. And this is a relationship. So, if our mind is a little "off" during our time with Him and there was no real click, I truly believe He will bless us anyway. There have been so many times God didn't show me during my quiet time what sin was in my life, but then a day later when I'm doing the dishes, He reveals it to me. I may hear nothing when I am listening for it, but then out of the blue when I am least expecting it, He speaks. That helps us to know it is Him many times. He is with us beyond the quiet time, but this hour (or whatever amount) dedicated to Him tells Him something special and opens a door for Him into the other hours of our day.

Reese Bars from the Lunch Ladies Recipe

1 box powdered sugar

2 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs

1 cup butter

6 oz. package of chocolate chips or chocolate almond bark

1 1/4 cups peanut butter

Combine sugar, butter, and peanut butter.

Add graham cracker crumbs and mix well.

Press out in 9x13 pan. Melt chocolate and spread over top.

Let cool 1 hour, cut in pieces, then cool in refrigerator.

It comes out of the pan much better when cold.

Humbling!!

Ha! So this is a totally humbling experience!

Last week, I blogged about quiet times and I don't think I've had a single one since then! There were a couple times I just made the choice to do something else, because I felt overwhelmed by that thing and had no other time to do it. Sometimes I made the choice to do something else because I wanted to have fun and not think. But most days of this week, I could not even tell you what I was doing! I have no idea whatsoever! I didn't go anywhere until the weekend, but just being busy at home...wow...it chewed me up and spit me out!

I'm hoping for a good week with the Lord. I'm hoping for the ability to concentrate and breathe and be still with Him, in a good hour with Him every day, with good friends who love Him, and just throughout the day whatever I may be doing for my family. That would be an incredible week!

Quiet Times

I wanted to write a little bit today about my quiet times. I have been encouraged lately by friends who have said they remember me always having my prayer/worship/Bible study time, even if it didn't seem like I got anything done that day. That utterly blessed my heart, this encouragement, because ever since I truly gave my heart and soul to the Lord in 1991, communing with Him every day (that I am willing and able) has been a major priority. I forget sometimes where I have been with the Lord and it is encouraging to see this "quiet time" thing be a thread running through my life since I was 13 years old ! There have been seasons where I struggled with it, but through middle school, high school, college, missions, marriage, and raising kids, the Lord has been my Rock and Best Friend. Especially in difficult times, or on the mission field, I felt He was calling me to more time alone with Him than usual, and it was very sweet to sit with Him for those hours. It's a privilege. For me, spending time with Him alone nourishes me and focuses me...then by His grace and strength, I can hopefully be more like Him and stay in an awareness of worship throughout the day. Those quiet times keep me connected to His heartbeat; I want to know what is on the Father's heart and He lets us in if we'll just come. For the next few blogs, I'm going to share what I do in my quiet times, and maybe pass along an idea or two that could spur on your walk with the Lord.

stillness

So, in my life for the past few years, there has been a calling toward stillness. I had been a busy bee before Selah came, in ministry, missions, friends, music...And lately, even though I have this relationship with the Lord that is my absolute source of wisdom and my deepest root of truth, I've let the confusion and opinion of man seep in. Eventually after dealing with it for a few months now, I've been reminded that it doesn't matter what the common or popular teaching is right now...I am under the Lord's authority and cannot let my simple calling in life be replaced by these opinions and these things people are saying we should put first. It's like I keep hearing all about these outward things a Christian is supposed to do, but rarely about the inward things. My word from the Lord is that my inward secret place with Him must be thriving, and if I focus on that, any outward thing He wants for me to do will happen by His power and to His glory. I cannot put my focus on the external outward list of deeds I am doing for Him, the list of ways I am being used; God-forbid that I would ever be so focused on myself again! When I am focused on Him and our connection in the unseen, I can trust He is at work in me and through me, without trying to quantify it. There is freedom in putting first things first, and there is not room for more firsts! There is only One.

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I am a simple person who can really only hold to one simple truth, and this is it!

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"Now God has one eternal purpose concerning us, and that is that we should be like His Son and in order that this may be so, we must be passive. We hear so much about activity, may be we need to know what it is to be quiet." (Feb. 5th, Streams in the Desert)

The Joy of the Lord

This will be quick today...

I am tired of struggling! Internally, externally, I am ready to give up AGAIN! My anxiousness, or the busyness of my mind I could say, is fixed on just wanting my life to work. I want to be well, I want to be able to do the things God has put in my life to do, I want to sleep and wake up rested, I want to stop feeling disappointed and disappointing. I am past wanting to do more than just take care of my family, home, and personal life...well, most days anyway...I really just want to get up and have a normal life, which to me means fitting in the most important things and a couple fun extras without all this struggle!

Anyway, so "the joy of the Lord is my strength". I heard somebody mention this and explain it in a new way, and I was thinking about it more...The joy of the Lord (His delight in me, His happiness in me, His NON-disappoint in me) is my strength. When someone important is not frustrated with you, even when you are frustrated with yourself, you gain a little strength. As frustrated as I am with sickness and tiredness and constant struggle to be a decent wife, mom, friend, daughter, granddaughter, minister (we are all ministers!), He isn't frustrated. He will fulfill His purposes in the midst of this, not when it is over. Now. In the middle. Here I am, Lord, in the middle!

The Picture

Last night, the Lord spoke to me once again through Selah.

I had been rocking Yemi before bed, and I got a little emotional, thinking about some things in regard to Selah when she was a baby. I was thinking about the things I didn't get right, and the struggles I still have, the wisdom I still search for. I was feeling really insecure for a few moments about how I had spent these almost 5 years of motherhood...You moms may understand (?)...

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Anyway, after a little while, I was putting Selah to bed, and she said, "Mom, every night before I fall asleep, I look at that picture." (It's a picture of me holding Selah when she was 6 weeks old.) Then she said, "It makes me wonder when I'll go to heaven, and that maybe it'll be today!" I thought that was a little strange, and said, "Why would that picture make you think about that?" She said, "Because when I look at it, I see God holding me and loving me when I was a baby, and I see God holding you and loving YOU when I was a baby, too. It makes me so happy, I just want to stand on my bed, and raise my hands as high as I can, and praise the Lord!"

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Thank you, Lord, how could I ask for more? What else matters but that You are holding us and loving us? Fears and doubts can settle down, goals and plans can take their lower priority: Just as Selah was at rest in my arms in that picture, I am at rest in His arms. It's nice to remember that I am Someone's little child! I keep trying to be more than that.

Abortion

This may or may not make sense, but for me, this tragedy in Haiti has made me think and pray more about abortion. These are certainly not new thoughts, but the abortion issue is about so much more than the 2 sides debating between it being a woman's choice to decide what happens to her body and feeling that taking away life in the womb is indeed murder. I've just been struck lately with what happens when a person, or a group, or a country decrees something to be good or at the least acceptable, though this something takes away a life.

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When we do this, and I say "we" because "we" are citizens of a country who is doing this exact thing, we think we have solved a problem by helping out desperate women who aren't ready to be mothers (but were ready to have sex, except in rare situations). We think we are helping them and empowering them, but really we're giving them a right they were never supposed to have: the right to end a life. Taking on this right has serious consequences before the Lord; just believing you have this right in the first place, whether you act on it or not, is devastating to the soul. It puts us in a position we were never supposed to be in, where we actually consider that ending a heartbeat is a viable choice for US to make. How terrifying to know that humans are in this position, in many countries. We've tried to take one of God's jobs (the giving and taking of life) into our own feeble hands, and instead of lifting us up to a divine position, it has lowered us to the position of savages.

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When I think of the deceased citizens of Haiti being thrown into dumpsters by huge bulldozers, because they don't know any other way to clear out the wreckage and death, I think of how precious each of those people were to their family, friends, and God. I think of how horrible we would feel in America if that earthquake had happened here, and it was our family members' bodies being thrown in a mass grave--no time for a funeral, no gravestone to mark their place in history. And then I think of the mass grave we have thrown our children in since abortion became legal in this country. How carelessly we have decided who gets to live and who doesn't. What we say is alright, we do. And what we do is what we become. When I think of this, it is hard to breathe the air and walk the ground of this country. I don't want to have any part of it. I don't want to experience our freedoms if it means I partake in a society not just where this audacity occasionally happens, but where it is legally acceptable. I don't ask the Lord for mercy for us. I do ask for Him to show us any way possible that those of us against this can take a stand. I want to die standing for the right thing; I want to be on the right side when it's all over. Shutting up about it in order to not offend anyone is not taking a side at all; may we be prayerful and courageous.

Tragic

This week, our hearts have been heavy and our minds have been in turmoil over the earthquake in Haiti. It's something I can't watch on television, because I already have enough mental images in my mind to make me weep and pray as often as I have a moment to do so. I'm praying for the orphans with waiting families, that they would be united, and I'm so excited that in several U.S. cities, this has happened! I'm praying for orphans; that the Haitian government, and the U.S. government would make quick and wise decisions toward their well-being, possibly making the U.S. a place for fostering and adopting in a fewer-step, less-money process. I'm praying for the people who are homeless, lost from their families, mourning loved ones; I'm praying for the people who are seeing so much death, such as in Rwanda's holocaust, that they will need to be taught once again that we are all precious human beings, created in the image of God, made for better than this. I'm praying for God to rise and show compassion, for miracles, for His hands and feet on mission there, and most of all, for His Presence to be there.

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Sacked by the Quarterback

This is a song I wrote last month about learning some humility. I cannot even explain how slow and thick my brain (and I guess my heart as well) seems to be! It's hard for me to sit back and accept whatever challenges come my way; I want to figure them out, fix them, and quickly move on. God is teaching me this: My place is not up, fighting. My place is down, trusting. So opposite of how I thought I'd live my life; I may not have even obeyed if I wasn't simply forced to the ground!

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Sacked By the Quarterback (2009)

I know that this isn't what people want to hear, but you see I'm falling here

One minute standing then out went the lights

Is nobody else crashing down on this battlefield it's whirling around me still

little birdies and stars in the skies

Chorus: Well, now that I am down, I guess I'll sing this song

all that I've tried is wrong, and all my fight is gone

Now that I've been sacked by the quarterback

here's my new strategy, I'm taking time to see how much I need You.

Verse 2: Some people stop when they see they're about to flop but I hold on 'til I drop

Mixing faith with my own stubborn dreams

Trying to stand so tall, trying to do it all, forgetting the root of me

is here in the ground, with my face to Your feet,

oh this gracious defeat, I can breath in relief,

I am chased to my knees once again, I am chased to my knees once again..

This Week

There are so many things I'd like to blog about. Like ten different subjects! But I am just going to talk about my week. And I am going to try to keep my blogs to 3 paragraphs. Can I do it? Is it possible?

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A friend of mine and I were talking at the beginning of the week, and to make a long story short, I just feel this great longing to be known by the people closest to me. In my mind, there is this community that exists of loved ones from the school years through college through churches through missions through now...and I don't feel very connected to them! My life is at home for this season. A lot of my community happens online. I want to be known and I really and truly want to know what is going on in the actual heart and soul of my loved ones. Wonder if blogs can help accomplish this? Or an old-fashioned phone call would work, too. It helps to just know what it is I'm trying to achieve by putting up pictures online, doing facebook, writing blogs, or even putting songs up on youtube. I want to give to others what I'd love to receive from them: a little taste of heart and mind.

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Anyway, I'm on my third paragraph now so I'll make it quick! This week has been pretty good; after the total train wreck that Christmas was for me, I slapped myself into the schedule that I knew would get us closer to sanity. I am extremely tired and if I didn't have kids, I would be in bed all day, so that is a bummer. But I feel a sustaining from the Lord as I follow through with this schedule and do the basics He has laid on my heart for me and my family. I have been soaking in more of His Word, thoroughly enjoying home school with Selah, feeding my family nutritiously, playing and getting lots of hugs and kisses from Yemi, and getting in bed early each night. I am extremely blessed.

God's Faithfulness to Yemi

So, in this next to last chapter of our marriage journey I am going to talk about our adoption. I felt blessed the entire time we were in the adoption process, because we were actually doing it! We were done discussing or praying for the right time, and that was an awesome feeling. After getting Yemi's referral in Dec. 08, we had a court date set in February, and we hoped to bring her home in March or early April! But we had some more testing of our faith to endure...of course!

At the end of January, we received our second picture of Yemi. She was about 6 months old and had lost weight since her 4 month picture and weigh in. She looked very frail, and we questioned it 4 times but the adoption agency said everything was fine. Then in February, literally in one week, the following things happened.

So, the events of that week in February:

*Adoption agency said we and the other families who shared the same court date would need a miracle to pass court the first time because of a paperwork mishap. We all prayed and fasted, and God decided to move in an awesome way...for every single family except us. There was an additional problem with paperwork (not on our end) that couldn't be solved quickly enough. I remember that phone call, and I remember the Lord saying immediately," Will you choose to be offended by Me or will you choose faith?" You know, I have spent my whole life trying to live a life of faith, and be involved in things that challenge me to do that, but in that moment I knew that pleasing Him with my faith wasn't so much about my actions but my reactions.

*In that same week, I can't remember if it was right before or right after the court date, we got an email from our agency saying that the babies in our orphanage had not been getting food "for some time." We had sensed something was wrong because of the picture of Yemi in January, and now our worst fears were coming to life. 2 babies in this orphanage had died that year before the parents could come rescue them. So, directly after this email, the families started a big formula drive, and a week later, 2 people were in the air with hundreds of pounds of formula. It's confusing to explain, but I'll just say that actually by the time we got that email, UNICEF had already started to give Plumpy'Nut to the babies and the children were already gaining weight and much better. We found out once we were actually in Ethiopia that the nurse during January and February was terrible, and finally quit. When she was replaced, the new nurse saved 9 babies' lives by seeing the babies were not thriving and getting them what they needed. If you ever have a chance to watch this video and give to World Vision/Plumpy'Nut, do it. It is for real. We got a new picture of Yemi at the very end of February, and she looked good as gold. Praise the Lord!

It was awesome to go to Ethiopia and see this journey come to an end, although I would happily do it again. It had been a time to hang onto the Lord, see into reality that we would have never been forced to see otherwise, and join in the kingdom work of making the least of these family! I will write another time about prophetic words and scriptures the Lord gave during the journey, and His faithfulness to the present, as she is a healthy, chubby, happy, smart 17 month old running around as I type this!

Our Marriage Journey; D.C. & Adoption Years

This last bit has been hard to write! I've shared really honestly about the difficulties and surprises of several periods of our lives, and this last segment (2007-2009) has probably topped them all (in regard to difficulties and surprises).

I guess to start it all off I have to say that I still don't know or understand what is going on! I have learned to let go and move on, trusting that the Lord is faithful if not altogether weird and completely nonlinear. He doesn't put puzzle pieces together like the picture on my box says to! He has His own thing going on. I wish He could see that if He doesn't give me a clue I can't possibly help Him! (Hope you know that was totally tongue in cheek.)

There is some truth brewing in my heart about people from the Bible who tried to do things the way God was telling them to--like Moses when he went through all of that with Pharoah, instead of it being a quick and easy task to free the Israelites--like Paul, when he kept getting thrown in prison or shipwrecked when he was supposed to be preaching to the Gentiles--It's like we search and search (when we're young anyway) to find out what potential or calling we have toward a certain area of serving God, and once we know it and set out to do it, He makes it nearly impossible. We go out with God on our side, and what good does it seem to do us? There is something to this.

Through the youth ministry of the Bridge since 2004, we were spending time with young guys and girls all the time, and Jack's God-sized dream of Diverse City miraculously came to life in the Summer of 2007. We opened in a store in the Towne Mall, and were a safe place for kids to play video games, eat, hang out, have music lessons and Bible Study, and honestly just come to find adults who wanted to listen and "sit a spell". We knew this was reaching students who were not going to come to church, and it was built on relationships, not activities where kids remain unknown and unnamed. This may be another blog in itself, but I struggle with living in Kentucky (vs. overseas) because I see many local ministries (especially ones within one church, like not in cooperation with others) with so much money and support poured into them and they never take a look back to see that they aren't meeting true needs. They are just able to say they have this ministry...But Diverse City was not like that.

Also, in the fall of 2007, we started our adoption as if our lives weren't crazy enough with a bunch of kids at church and the Mall! It was so exciting to finally get started after all my research and longing and tears over the orphan crisis in Ethiopia. 12% of Ethiopia's citizens are orphans under 13 years old! We mailed in our applications on Oct. 31, 2007 & officially began waiting in January, 2008. Selah was 2 and a half years old, we practically lived at Diverse City, and we would soon have a new baby girl in our family!

In Spring of 2008, some things changed that started a downward spiral for Diverse City. It was pretty hurtful and we hoped for a miracle...but it didn't come. It was hard to see other ministries get started and everyone get excited about them, when this amazing opportunity was passing us by. We closed our doors around Christmas, and that space is still empty. That death was really hard for Jack, and it was a hard death for me, too. This wasn't the first time we had done our best to live out "His strength is perfect in our weakness", only to (dare I say it?) be disappointed at how our limits and inadequacies shone brighter than the noonday sun. On a very personal note, it makes it hard to get excited about "stuff for God". The good news about this is that sometimes in ministry you can get TOO excited about stuff for God and forget God; what a tragedy it would be to fly high in ministry but be grounded in the ditch relationally with Him. It happens.

On into the Summer and Fall of 2008, we were also getting pretty antsy about waiting for a referral for our baby girl. We were told a wait of 2-5 months. We waited 11. But Dec. 2nd, we received the referral of Yemi Abigail! It was wonderful and we had so many people supporting us in so many ways! The journey was far from over and I don't know if we got a single good night of sleep from February to April 21st, 2009...

But I actually better save that story for another blog! Thanks for reading this far!