The Poisonwood Bible

Wowza. I read the Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver this weekend. My, how it brought me back.

Ten years ago, I lived in Mali, West Africa...for just one year. It's a year I remember better than any year of my life, and yet it doesn't feel like it's possible that it was THIS body that was there. It feels like another lifetime or a very long dream or a movie you grew up watching. I never talk about it, and I think that is because there are just no words. No one in my life was there to witness it with me, except one good friend who lives in TX now, and even with her, our memories are enough. It's just too heavy for words.

But this book. This author knows how to describe the taste, smell, feeling of an African village. She is remarkable, the sheer amount of lessons carefully weaved into this piece of historical fiction. It should be read by anyone going to Africa, period, especially going as a missionary. It's painful and scary, as is Africa! But it's beautiful and real, as is Africa as well. I realize I'm not giving any real thoughts or details here; I'm not even telling anyone to read the book, because it could mess you up entirely! But in my soul, it stirs what has always been there. It's not as raw and broken as it used to be, because I'm sealed inside this new season of life, a season of life where God has chosen a different slew of priorities for me. But it is still there. I'll always love the people of Africa with a huge portion of my heart; I hope some of them in the village of Dialakorobougou know it.

Lovely Thursday

Ah, this is indeed lovely. I recognize that I am one of the very few moms out there with this luxury: My mom comes every Thursday to watch my kids. Sometimes she even does a little (or a lot of) house cleaning. It's a shot in the arm, in those months of sickness or in those days that I actually feel well enough to get out and have lunch with a friend. Oh, God bless my mother!

Today, I slept until 11:45. That would be 14 hours! For over a week now, I have been sleeping like a dream, oh my gosh, I cannot describe how miraculous it is to be sleeping without medication!!! I am off Ambien and Trazodone, and using a mixture of some natural things and it's working better than the officially serious drugs. (For any insomniacs out there: 3 mg Melatonin, 100 mg Phosphatidylserine, 200 mg Magnesium). Anyway, so what feels so great -and I just have to revel in it because my health has made me really depressed the last month and now things are looking up- is that I am CHOOSING to spend the day in bed today until my mom leaves, instead of being forced to. I feel great! I'm just going to listen to teaching CDs, read (I may even indulge in a little fiction), and later spend some time exercising, cleaning, and cooking. Thursdays are also especially fun because it's almost the weekend, where all bets are off as far as I'm concerned.

It's days like this that I must remember are coming, for sanity's sake. It's also days like this that remind me that people want to know how they can help. As moms, we stink at asking for help or clearly stating to our families/husbands/whatever what thing they could do that would rock our worlds. If we told them and planned for it, we might just be happier, relaxed, and have more "me" days than we thought possible...and I won't let anyone tell me that that's a bad thing! One last thought: It's days like this (where I feel well yet also have a chance to chill) that I can see clearly enough to know that eating junk food or candy IS NOT the sum total of fun and relaxation. I tend to think if I'm calling a total chill day that I must stock my bedside table with unhealthy foods and watch TV all day. But when i'm feeling well enough to use my little brain, I know that days like this can be a great time to perpetuate the wellness, not drive it to extinction!

Still Thinking About Songs

Well, so far today has not worked out how I planned...it is better!

We wanted to go to church; Yemi and I have strep throat, but are not contagious anymore, and we needed to get out of the house! But at about 11 a.m., she decided she needed an early nap, so I've had the luxurious privilege of about 2 hours with the Lord. I was listening to some teaching by Martha Kilpatrick (amazing!), and then I saw on my iTunes where I had recorded some "new" songs last fall.

I have laid it down, this singing thing. I don't think about it often. But...when I am reminded that I am a singer-songwriter, when I reminded of these old and new songs, when I sing, something kind of wakes up on the inside. There are a whole 10 people waiting for me to make a new CD, and that is enough motivation for me! However, there are so many things holding me back. Let me explore that real quick...

I need a band. Quite honestly, my piano ballads with just my voice are a bit boring. Yet, that is what I write, and I need a producer and band to give energy and life to my lyrics and melodies. What I produce completely on my own just isn't enough for an entire CD; I have more than enough songs, I just need some additional input from several others who "get" me. That is hard to find.

It's been a hard year, and so many times I have thought I may never get to be behind the piano singing my own concert again. Throat problems, health problems, time problems. I actually, on a spiritual level, needed to get away from it; I needed to come to the place where I knew I couldn't do anything for the Lord until I learned to do nothing for Him. But I think, just for fun, it is going to happen again. Maybe even soon! I'm dreaming of a little concert where I just am who I am. I'm not great on the guitar, that's a fact; I'm not interesting on the piano, another fact! BUT I can just be who I am where I am...and trust God will use that.

If you happen to be a "fan", pray for me. That's all I need. I seek Him first and He can add whatever He wants. :)

Waiting for my Eggs to Boil

Literally, I am waiting for my eggs to boil. Yemi is in her highchair eating cinnamon toast (no sugar of course), and I thought I'd blog for a minute waiting for my eggs to become as hard boiled as possible. (I hate soft boiled eggs!)

So...I thought I'd briefly just share some random thoughts. Someday I will be cool enough to put a picture along with each thought, but today is not that day. Someone on Facebook said that Facebook is causing narcissism among young adults, so in honor of that, here's a post with every sentence starting with "I".

I - have a sore throat and plan to spend my day on the couch as much as possible.

I- am giving up on potty training Yemi for awhile. I'm just not sure she understands.

I- found out yesterday Yemi's speech is perfectly normal, if not advanced, much to my surprise.

I- am reading Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ by 18th century writer Madame Jeanne Guyon and it is amazing.

I- have worn out my John Mark McMillan CD.

I- am going to church with my family 3x a week now, which is a really nice improvement over zero!

I- cannot lose a pound. Not even one. Counting carbs, eating crazy well, no sugar, exercise 5 days a week. Not a pound.

I- am happy it's Friday and a 3 day weekend...more time with Selah and fun family days. No major plans, but it'll just be good. I like the norm very much, but it's just fun to get out of it sometimes.

Singing...

"Give me oil in my lamp

keep it burning, burning, burning

Give me oil in my lamp I pray;

Give me oil in my lamp

keep it burning, burning, burning

keep it burning 'to the end of days'."

Someone sang this last night at Elizabethtown House of Prayer (EHOP)--which i LOVE, by the way--and it just resonated with me. I have no idea how long ago it was that I heard this song, but probably it was with children. It's just a little children's song...but it is the sum of my prayers these days!

I have a great life, but I am still in a place at all times when I am desperate for the Lord to fill me with motivation, joy, and energy FOR the life and daily tasks and relationships He has given me. I am lazy, I am lost...I would choose TV and sugar over obedience and love, I would. Every day would be a struggle over SELF, in one way or another. If it wasn't laziness or depression, it would be ambition and accomplishment, pride, overachieving. He is my hope, my new mercies every morning to live my days with Him and for Him. And I also think of how I need His fire to burn in me, not just for fire and motivation to obey, but the refining fire of holiness. I want to come out of every season of the soul, every season of this temporal life, the good, bad, and ugly, shining. Our faith is imperishable, it is better than gold, (1 Peter 1) and my prayer is-- both in the small everyday trials and at the end of days-- that I (my faith) would come out shining! His fire in me is the only way.

Also, in this song, we're asking Him that when He returns, we'd be ready. We'd be those watchmen on the wall...we'd be those brides waiting, with plenty of oil for the whole night long, not running dry mere moments before the Groom arrives to retrieve them and rescue them! I think about how much attention we pay to everything temporal and how little attention we pay to everything that matters. He tarries His return because He waits for the sons of God to wake up and be found in Him upon His arrival. I'll end this post with one more song about the same thing...it's by Misty Edwards, and this is just a snippet of it.

"Come be the fire inside of me

come be the flame upon my heart

come be the fire inside of me

until You and I are one..."

The Break Up

This week, I did something I've known I needed to do for a long time.

I broke up with sugar.

It was a clean break, no negotiations.

It wasn't exactly mutual, but he'll just have to get over me.

Or is the other way around?

Sugar is like a bad boyfriend, really. After the break-up, he has showed up everywhere I am. I'm like, "Really? Seriously?" I mean, come on! Like I want to see him every time I see my friends!

I told him we could rendezvous a little on holidays, but we will not be alone together under any circumstances!

It would be nice to never be near him again, but alas...this is not realistic. He'll be hanging around forever, sometimes even hidden when I least expect him. However, I am sure that this was the right decision for me. He was not good to me, and he's never going to change!

Life is sweet enough without him. (So take that!)

Love Song

"I can't understand this work of grace

how a perfect God would come and take my place...

Stars, they don't move you

the waves can't undo you

the mountains in their splendor cannot steal your heart;

this God who is holy

perfect in beauty

awesome in glory

is ravished by my heart...

Though I'm poor You say I am lovely

though I'm dark You say I am beautiful...

Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You

somehow my weak love has stolen away Your heart..."

I can't stop singing this song, even though I have known it for over a year now. I feel like I have fallen deeper into grace than I ever have before. The fact is, I am an over achiever and while I consciously don't realize my self righteousness, I do believe that I can accomplish my goals on my own. I am upset when I can't. And I've fallen deeper into grace because this week I saw once again where my striving gets me! There truly is nothing good in me. Even if I was meeting every expectation that I set out for myself, emphasis on I, it would only be because of God's amazing grace, strength, and help anyway. It's crazy how in the midst of this utter realization of my power, or lack of power I should say, that is when God brings me one step deeper and farther into holiness and His path and even seemingly impossible challenges to obey. To me, this is so backwards! In my mind, I would think that if I "failed" and was truly unable, God would (at best) kinda leave me alone...but instead it seems as if He is glad I know now what He always knew, and even better, is totally crazy in love with me

As I heard someone sing last night, "I hide in the wounds of the Lamb." This means to me that I expect to live a holy life, not a never ending cycle of sin/forgiveness that means nothing to me, but at the same time, despite my greatest hopes of how I can obey my sweet Savior, I must live in the knowledge of my desperate flesh which would overcome me without His grace.

Eloisa

(This is just a random pic of Selah and Yemi!)

I am so excited tonight! We have been sponsoring a child in Ethiopia through World Vision forever, and this month we found out he had aged out of the program. He is out of school and his family moved away. So, we were able to pick out a new child to sponsor and I had always thought it would be great for Selah to do the choosing when she got old enough to understand.

Last year, I was explaining child sponsorship to her, and after I finished she said, "Mom, you adults might call it sponsorship, but I call it sharing." She was just four years old when she said that. Her words instantly brought tears to my eyes, because that's exactly what it is. I'll be honest in saying how much I wish we could and would sponsor more children, because even though our budget is tight and sometimes difficult to even buy groceries, we still have so much more. We have so many luxuries that we call necessities. I think about this a lot, and pray for a constant re-evaluation before the Lord in this matter. I trust Him to tell us what changes to make and how to "share" more, as He has in the past.

So, tonight Selah picked out a little girl named Eloisa, from Mexico. She shares Selah's birthday, same year as well, so they are both five years old. She loves to play dolls, just like Selah. It is really neat to think that they will grow up together, just in different countries. We have learned some Spanish and want to learn a lot more, so I like that Selah picked a girl from Mexico. And it's a plus that she's not that far away, so there is great possibility that we could visit her someday! It is totally my dream that if we don't live overseas, that we visit and develop relationships and share Jesus as often as possible with many different tribes and tongues. God will have to work that all out...I have a lot of dreams!

And one came true tonight!

Songs

I am a singer-songwriter, I suppose...because I sing and write songs. But it has been a very weird year in regard to actually doing that! Back in October of 2009, I started having problems with my throat. It got better, and when it did, I started doing some Christmas concerts and felt really revived again in the desire to get out and sing. I had a lot of fun singing other people's songs and my own at Christmastime last year...at the nursing home, a house concert, and some other things. But my throat and my health in general took a horrible turn in December. I had my second long bout with illness (Oct, then Dec.) and the last concert I sang at, I felt so sick that it began to affect me emotionally. I was really shaken by this experience, by my body's inability to "pull it together", and by not being able to make my voice do what it used to do!

January through April were really hard. In my heart, I was at peace that even if I never sang again, it was okay...it was God's gift anyway, not mine. (Plus, I truly know that singers are a dime a dozen! Big deal if little me stops singing!) What was hard was that every day I got up and was tired and in pain. I was trying to grow in the Lord but had a hard time getting through the day with my kids. I felt guilty for not "feeling" like doing things I should do, and I was sad that I was treating my sleep disorder with meds but still not feeling good the hours I was awake.

I'm not sure what made me do it, but I finally decided to go to see a holistic nurse practitioner. I started to see changes almost instantly, because of following guidelines in books I was reading about adrenal fatigue. Although I have to labor in the process daily to be well, I am a different person! And lately I've wondered about singing again...I think for now that the answer is no, for a multitude of reasons...but that doesn't mean I don't have a song in my heart! I want to share a few of the words from the songs resonating with me right now.

Skeleton Bones by John Mark McMillan

"I want Your blood to flow inside my body

want Your breath inside my lungs

we just want to love You, we just want to love You...

Skeleton bones stand at the sound of eternity on the lips of the found

so separate those doors and let the son of resurrection in"

I mean, WOW! Eternity on our lips. The incarnate Christ living inside of us. No part of us untouched and unfilled with His resurrection power. We are alive: alive to our daily tasks, alive to loving the people God puts in our home and path, alive to the purposes and heart of God, because and only because of Him.

Something I learned this week is that when I am weak, like when I am disobeying, or just out of it, distant from communion with God, I have not strayed from God's banner of love and delight over me, I have simply strayed from MY ABILITY to SEE His love and delight over me. This is beautiful to me. My inconsistencies do not change Him, they change me. And in the same way, my fighting to stay in His presence does not change Him, it changes me. Christ is always alive in me, whether I'm sick or well, awake to life or asleep in darkness, through a hard season or a joyous one, in using gifts in conspicuous ways or being held back for a while to just BE in the Lord.

Life Today

Yemi is watching the last five minutes of Elmo's World, which she loves. She's wearing a little apron and playing in her kitchen at the same time. It's fun to be with her every morning! Selah is at school, her 9th day of kindergarten. I have such mixed feelings every time I go into her room. I think she would be bored if she were home with me, because I just don't have the mojo to keep her going all day--and maybe I shouldn't have to, but until I figure out how all of us can survive in this same space 12 hours a day and be happy, this is the right thing to do! I am still deeply in prayer about sending her to school vs. homeschool.

I do not believe that there is one across the board answer for every parent, such as "homeschooling is the only way for your kids to be raised in the admonition of the Lord." However, I need to know if God is telling us specifically that His calling on Selah's life does require her to be homeschooled. That is my prayer, and I have to trust Him to tell me. Right now, I feel sad that she is gone, and I often think of things we would be doing if she was home. But at the same time, I am glad she is having this experience, and when she gets home we jump into the most important things that we used to do together, things that are the priority of our lives. I am so concerned that these things are her priority--the Word, worship, learning how to be more like Jesus, the nations, hearing the Lord personally--but I'm not sure that staying home with me every day is the way this will happen. For myself, these priorities happen through some things at home, like disciplines, but even more so they happen as I live out my daily life, in relationships, goals, difficulties, even conflicts.

Also under the category of "life today", I am struggling big time with my health again. I feel like it is affecting me even mentally and emotionally this time; I would say the blame falls on myself and on attack of the enemy. There are a list of things I know in my heart I have to do right now in order to be well and feel focused. I'm sure everyone has these things in mind. For me, I see these daily things as obedience, not just a good idea...therefore, I've had to repent of my laziness and bad choices! It's been hard. Do I ever get a break from trying my best to live this wise life? When I "take a break", I am the one who ends up suffering. Hopefully I will learn that soon! In the meantime, I am taking one day at a time, knowing I cannot obey these simple callings on my own. I am leaning on my Beloved. I am coming to Him all day. I am lost without Him. I don't know how other people feel. I would assume they feel a lot more stable...but I just don't. I will again though, with the help of the Lord.

Obedience is serious. I am definitely in a time of the discipline of the Lord right now (Heb. 12), and I have tasted the fruit...it's worth it. I just have to remember He disciplines those He loves. I will be stronger and more able to serve Him and be where He is at, through obeying these simple (yet all consuming) callings on my life right now. Guess that's enough processing through this for today!

On Track?

Every day is a new chance to get on track, and in sync, and aware, and awake. Especially after a weekend where all structure and diets fly out the window, Monday feels like an important day to make good choices. It seems like every day, even multiple times during the day, I have that chance to be engaged in the right things or not. I don't know if it is normal for it to be so hard, but to me it IS hard!!!

I have prayed lately for God to be the fire inside of me, burning away desires that are not wise, and motivating me toward the thoughts and actions that are. So He is answering that prayer. I can take no credit, because I feel the constant struggle and am not strong enough to always do the right thing. It's on my mind way too much. But He is answering that prayer because I feel His power at work. If the incarnate Christ lives in me, then I have the mind of Christ. If the Spirit lives in me, then I possess self-control and wisdom. I am a co-laborer with Him in living a wise life. I am not living in the dullness or confusion of not making my own decisions and letting life happen to me. I'm learning that this thing of "being on track" is not going to happen through rules or even a schedule, a diet or a structure. It's going to happen because I'm asking for more of Him, and less of me, and He is good enough to be answering that prayer.

While I am more comfortable with rules than with trusting myself to live by the Spirit, oh what a true sentence that is, I know God wants me to stay on track WITH Him, certainly not just for Him...

Yemi

Our darling Yemisrach has been here in our home for 15 months, and this week I was blessed with a much-needed, fresh perspective on this blessing!

Yemi surviving her first 8 and a half months in Ethiopia first of all, and then joining our family is a miracle in itself. She is a sweet, beautiful, smart, and fun addition to our family. Knowing God leaves the 99 to go after the 1 is one thing; seeing Him do it in the physical realm is another, and I have learned so much about that crazy kind of love through our personal experience of adoption. We are so glad God led us to adopt!

However, in the midst of having a 2 year old who screams a lot...who is strong willed...who won't go in nursery (well, she did today for the 1st time ever, thank you Kendra!)...who tends to be negative...some days I have forgotten just how precious and miraculous she is. I've been a little unmotivated in my desire to be the kind of mom I truly want to be. Also, because of the way that I have felt recently, I was nervous about Selah going to school and me being alone with Yemi all day. Then I happened upon a blog by a friend who is in a very difficult phase of their adoption. It broke my heart, because I remember that feeling during our own adoption process of not knowing if God would deliver us/Yemi from the situation or not, and if He was going to, when? There was no Plan B. God would deliver and help, or this dream of being together would end.

As I was reading that blog and interceding for God's movement in their adoption process, I was flooded with thankfulness and relief that I was within earshot of Yemi's screams! The embarrassing fits or aggravating complaints are just proof that she is near me and not on the other side of the world! I have new eyes and ears. I've fallen in love with her all over again this week as Selah has been out of town.

The miracle is fresh and new. I can't believe we are in on it!

A Journal Entry

Last night in prayer with some friends, I felt like an understanding crept into my heart...wanted to share this from my journal:

"Wherever we are in life right now, even if it feels like we're wandering around in a wilderness far away from the point or what we thought was the point, when we humble ourselves and make walking with God our only real goal and priority, that vast wilderness becomes a path...dare I say, instantly. Out of the wilderness that held us captive and confused, arises a path to walk on. A path that will take its own time leading us here or there, up or down, wherever God is going to let you go with Him. A path that shows us that when we are looking at Him and not at ourselves, there is absolutely no chance of being lost, or regretful, regardless how much we have indeed lost.

I hate the idea of being lost, wasting time, missing the point, never grasping all God wanted me to do. All I can do is think about what I must have done wrong, what I must find a way to do better. But His promise is sure. We can word it however it feels right, but hopefully we are all saying this promise is sure: Our utter fulfillment as humans and as children of God is to spend our lives being the object of His affection, and in turn, knowing Him deeper and deeper each day. Who are we to learn to love with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength first of all firsts? Who were we created for before spouses, before sin, before schedules and jobs and everyday life? God. Until this is in first place, with what love do we love our families, neighbors, and the world? Our love is a response to His love. The human-divine intimacy will always be the source.

I feel like we do not wander in the wilderness out of stupidity or cluelessness or even false teachings, at least I can say for those who strongly desire to leave. We wander in the wilderness out of pride. We cannot believe that it could be this basic, to lay down our kingdoms and all we wanted to say we did for God on that final day, and never pick it back up again, choosing a life of surprises instead."

My Girl

My girl is growing up! How does one handle such a thing? Selah is five years old, and although her drama gets old, I would not mind if she was able to be magically frozen at this exact age! I have said that every year (okay, every year since she turned three). She is just an amazing kid! So smart, witty, funny, and beautiful. She amazes us everyday with her outgoing personality and truly loving demeanor. Right now, I particularly love putting her to bed at night, seeing her first thing in the morning (I love that fresh but sleepy face!), and worshipping with her at home and at church. She's lovely and precious. And she starts kindergarten in about 6 weeks. Will I survive?

Being Loved and Other Stuff

I felt the love of the Lord today.

I am the kind of person that "feels" loved if I do a good job. Like, at the end of the day if I have done all the things I consider good and important, I feel a nod of approval. I don't realize most days that this nod of approval is totally in my head or psyche or whatever, and not necessarily God smiling down on me...it's just how I naturally feel when all is right and in control in my little world. And then of course the opposite happens as well. If I am feeling tired or crappy, or if I'm feeling fine but just not motivated, then my day might feel like quite the failure because I didn't connect with my kids well or help anyone or even communicate with God much.

So today I was very tired from 2 days away (so fun by the way) and I did absolutely nothing. I am feeding frozen pizza to my family tonight. We watched TV all day. I didn't exercise or have prayer time or take care of the house or visit anyone. But right smack in the middle of all this wonderful laziness, I was watching Veggie Tales with the girls and Jr. Aspagarus sang, "And so, it's good to know You really love me, it's true the Bible says You do, You really love me, Your love was with me all throughout my day." I felt the rush of the love of God, and we all just stopped and worshipped. The girls both were saying "Jesus!" because they felt His presence, too. His love isn't like: "I feel sorry for you, you pitiful thing, yes, just for today I will show you love, but tomorrow you better get with it." In fact, His love was saying to me that even if I had done everything in a day that I know I am supposed to do, it wouldn't have made a bit of difference.

Every day isn't like this. Every day holds "obedience opportunities" and I don't want to miss them. But it is wonderful to know His love is the same, beating strong and overflowing with delight in us...all the time, no matter what. It is the base of all good living.

Arbys and Allergies

Okay, I still don't know what happened today! I took the kids to Arbys, had a sandwich and about 10 curly fries, and 30 minutes later, I was in an ambulance with the symptoms of anaphylactic shock. I still have a headache and my stomach still hurts from it. It is so weird how I am having more sensitivities and allergic reactions than I was before I started eating really healthily and taking supplements to heal my adrenals. Surely what I am doing is good, and my body was just shocked by something in the food, but it hasn't been very long since I ate fast food. In fact, I've eaten pizza several times in the past 2 weeks!

This allergic reaction is the worst one I have ever had. With cats, I break out into hives and a headache, and have trouble breathing. Today, I had all of that, plus much more. My legs and arms hurt so bad I ended up not being able to walk, and my stomach hurt more than when I was in labor. I wonder if I will ever know what ingredient caused this! I have read stories in my books about adrenal fatigue that sound just like this; about people who have a reaction to rancid oils (which definitely is what I had today: reused, old oil to make fries) or who all of a sudden have bodily systems jump off the deep end because they have been in need of repair for so long.

Although these people will never read this blog, I am so so so grateful to Dr. Kristina Knisely and her whole staff at Norton Community Medical Associates. This is Selah's pediatrician's office. They were so wonderful and caring to me and my girls until the ambulance came for me. I am so thankful I made it to their office, and they helped me, because I didn't want to make a big deal about what I was experiencing but it was getting really out of my control. I'm so thankful for Jack's grandma, Pat Hodges. She is always there for us. All of us! I don't like to be a person in need, but today, I really really was. I could not take care of myself and my girls for that 45 minutes or so. It was scary and I couldn't even dial the phone, but God provided really loving people to help us through it. (It made me want to be one of those loving people that can be called upon!)

Allergens

I just have to vent about allergies! What a dumb topic, but still the topic on my mind. I have been feeling better, as I undergo this adrenal fatigue treatment: taking a "nap" everyday; a nice variety of supplements, vitamins, and medicines; eating often, strategically for energy, and low-sugar, and even no dairy as I learned I'm allergic to pasteurized milk; doing the right amount of exercise (too much messes everything up, too little is not good either); steering clear of stresses or anything that would wear me out (this part of the therapy I do not mind!); getting rid of cleaners and other stuff I use that have chemicals in them...The list could go on.

And I am thankful for all this info, so thankful actually, because I have had good days which is more than I can say for the past fall & winter. But then there are days again that just knock the breath out of me. Yesterday and today are two of those days! I need to be patient and chill, but instead all I can do is think about what I did differently to cause me to feel tired and out of it again. I think I exercised too hard Sunday and Monday, so that may have made me more tired Monday and Tuesday. But other than that, all it can come down to is allergies! Dang allergies!

I'm allergic to mosquito bites and it's like I can feel them making me itchy and tired. I guess I'm allergic to the stuff I have to put in Yemi's hair everyday, and I don't know what to do about that. There are not a lot of choices there. I'm cleaning with vinegar, and only washing my hair once a week with Aveeno. I don't even know what kind of soap to buy because I'm allergic to anything organic, and anything not organic has sulfates and chemicals that I may not respond to externally but am having a reaction to internally. As soon as I start to feel all "allergic" I go crazy cleaning my house because I think it's my own fault for not having kept everything dust-free, but then I'm even more tired.

I need to live in a bubble!! I am tired of being a human science experiment, trying to figure out why I all of a sudden feel weak and exhausted...is it a food I ate or a chemical in the air I breathed? I have spent years trying to figure it out and it's driving me crazy! And the worst part is, I know now that every time I struggle with my allergies, that is making my adrenals work harder, and when my adrenals work harder that means I am not going to be feeling well. I know this is a dumb thing to blog about, but for anyone reading, now you know the details! I just want to be well and stay well, without all this massive attention to it, and i'm okay with the fact that it's going to take time...I'm just upset that I'm doing all I know to do but still can't get away from ALLERGIES!

Today

I totally realize that I don't write about anything deep on this blog...I guess I thought that I would when I started it, but I just don't have a lot of time to "go there" these days, er, years...But anyway, I just wanted to blog about my little but wonderful day.

I feel so much peace today. There are still questions and concerns out there, but they don't have the weight they did just a few days ago. Some important things have been resolved, but some haven't, and it's okay. So, some of this peace is circumstantial, but a good bit of it is not. In worship today, we just sat enveloped in the love of God, utterly aware of the truth that we are a delight to Him and that we were created to adore Him which is simply a response to His love for us first! With tears streaming down my face, all I could think was, "I want every day to begin like this. I can't remember how to live or how to function correctly as a believer, Lord, I am hopeless! But I know if You come to me like You are right now, nothing will stand in the way of Your glory today in me."

I am thankful for today- every bit of it. I'm thankful that I was with my family, that the sky was incredibly blue and the clouds incredibly fluffy. I'm thankful that we got to eat out, because that is a non-necessity that I still don't take lightly. I'm thankful that my body is being healed, and that the dozen things that were going wrong are now beginning to go right; I'm thankful for the wisdom and insight that I am gleaning and will continue to gain by the hand of God. I'm thankful that even when I continually mess up, God is giving me the desire to make better decisions for true wholeness for my body and soul. I'm thankful my nephew and mother in law are doing well and out of the hospital! I'm thankful that I'm gaining peace as I gradually adjust to the idea of Selah starting kindergarten in a mere 2 months (okay, I admit very gradually, slowly and painfully adjust!!)

Life is hard, but God really is good. I am not at a point where I can say it's a rest stop in the journey, not at all, but I am feeling like some of the steepest climbs are over for now. Maybe we can move on and think about some new things now...

The Last Month!

Where do I begin?

May was such an absolute blur, and to be honest, I'm glad it's done with. I'm hoping June will bring some slower, lazy days where we can go to the pool, actually think about what we're eating instead of cramming in "party food", and not have lots of stuff to write in on the calendar. I guess some people like being busy, but I'm not really one of them...

However, I do love being with friends, family, and showing love to people, so these are worthy things for the calendar space! We plan to go to Holiday World with my mom and dad; hopefully see little baby Jackson, my new nephew who was born on Jack's birthday, just last week; spend time with Jack's family as we rejoice that his mom is out of the hospital and doing better; go to the zoo and water park with friends; have a family get-together midsummer to celebrate as Yemi turns 2 and Selah turns 5. (We are combining their birthdays now! Yay for consolidation!)

Selah actually turned 5 TODAY! We have had lots of birthday fun with her, I'll post about that later. Also, I'll be excited to post about the good things happening in my health lately and the improvements I am starting to see.

Some Fave Pictures of Lately...

My new yellow walls and bamboo floors. This is a dream come true! I LOVE worshipping the Lord with Selah; He comes in power all the time when we stop for a while and praise Him, read the Word together, dance, sing, and intercede for others. He has spoken some things to Selah in these times, and it is so meaningful. Yemi Abigail. What a cutie-pie! Amber, Joanna, and the kids at the park...So much fun, except for the goose poop!