Broken Is Not Popular

"It is when a beautiful grain of corn is broken up in the earth by death, that its inner heart sprouts forth and bears hundreds of other grains. And thus, on and on, through all history, and all biography, and all vegetation, and all spiritual life, God must have broken things.

Those who are broken in wealth and broken in self-will, and broken in their ambitions, and broken in their beautiful ideals, and broken in worldly reputation, and broken in their affections, and broken ofttimes in health; those who are despised and seem utterly forlorn and helpless, the Holy Ghost is seizing upon, and using for God's glory." (Streams in the Desert, Oct. 15)

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Wow. I am thankful for the way this is so clearly written by an aged, in brokenness and surrender no doubt, saint. I can't claim to understand how it works; I can't even see if it is working in my own life! But it spurs me on to know that this place of surrender, this place of agreeing with God about all things He has allowed, is wonderful and is leading toward something good.

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I feel like it isn't popular to be in this place...I mean, I feel like it isn't popular to be in this place among many Christians. I often feel this pressure to be healed, to be changed, to see a miracle; I feel like people are begging or even demanding God for something for me, and fighting an enemy that may or may not be bringing a particular burden. When I used to pray like this, I was only left with discouragement and even confusion. I have probably left people feeling that way before, too.

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None of our opinions are going to be thoroughly correct, we can count on that! We act on the truth we believe. The truth I believe, at this point, is that God is walking through this life with us, and as we are dwelling with Him--knowing His Word, relying on other believers, having an intimate connection with Him, praying as He leads us to-- His will is going to be done. I really don't believe there are any special words I need to say to make things happen. There are some absolute things He wants for us that are scriptural; they are ours in Christ Jesus! We do have to claim what is ours at times. But there are other things and other times when submitting to affliction or looking past what we wanted to another possibility, learning contentment and joy, is the best gift He could give. It's hard because we need discernment! We don't always know what to pray, so we ask the Holy Spirit! But I feel challenged to make sure what I am asking from God submits to the possibility of His will taking a very different direction than I was believing for...

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Such a challenge.

Tonight

We went to see some family and friends on our early halloween. I'm not a big halloween person, but it is fun to see the kids dress up! Selah was the Little Mermaid, when she gets married; Yemi was a little lady bug. :) Had to share the pic!

My Fam

I love my fam. Not getting to be with them a lot the past week, because I was in bed, and this really crazy dream I had the other night both have made me SO thankful for the privilege of being in this family! Jack is wonderful. He really is my best friend, beside Jesus. My daughters are unique, beautiful, and hilarious. I'm so glad this is what God has chosen for me for this season. May it last long!

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A little update on health: I have been sleeping about 12-14 hours a night, and hoping that will make me better; at the same time, I am hoping in the Lord that I will not continue to need that amount of sleep, as I have in the past. I'm just praying mostly for wisdom and direction. I've been in this place before, of wishing I had a great doctor who wouldn't be guessing but would just KNOW what was going on. I just want to hear, "Oh, yes, these symptoms...Totally, I've seen them all together before! Here's what we'll do." Even if no one could fix it, there is just something about knowing. In the midst of it all, though, I feel a peace and thankfulness in my spirit. My life is very easy and simple, nothing much going on; I don't have a career or anything that even takes me out of my home often. While I am feeling disconnected from church (sigh), I can only do what I can do. I am way past wondering how many people think I'm a total weirdo recluse. :) (I love you, I miss you, come hang out with us!)

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Yesterday I got to romp around in Autumn at Bernheim Forest for a couple of hours! It is a good thing I did, too. Today, about half of our leaves are on the ground, and it was like a beautiful rain forest outside. I love living in the woods! And did I say how much I love my family?

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His Love is Mightier than our Lack

I've been thinking a lot this week, spurred on by time in the Word and some others books...and it's nothing brilliant, nothing creative, but just truth! I just feel so thankful and at peace because of how much God loves us, and so frustrated with how many times I have made things complicated and confusing with Him. He is just overflowing with grace and love and intimate favor for us. He hears our needs; He is with us. He is more patient with us than any human ever has been. Walking with Him is not boring or guilt-provoking or a mountainous climb to finally get at a "good place" with Him...or at least it doesn't have to be. He simply loves us and wants us to acknowledge the goodness of His presence...and His power alone changes and benefits us, not our efforts. I'm just thinking, how about if we make this whole thing about Him and who He wants to be to us, instead of us and what screw ups we must look like to Him (which we don't, we just think that!)?

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Today I posted on Facebook, as my status, something like, "I wonder when we started to freak out about our relationship with God, when He is just trying to love us?" Life is complicated and hard, but He is to be a Refuge, not another difficulty! He is a Fortress, not another warrior out to break us down.

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We will not be overcomers now or in the end because we got lucky breaks from God and He allowed us to have great success in our finances and health and relationships. We will be overcomers because we knew the world would always have trouble and we decided to abide safely in Him in the midst of it. His love is mighty enough to let us just do that one thing: Abide.

For Me and My Friends Whose Bodies Are Not Cooperating

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though our outer man is decaying (exactly!), our inner man is being renewed day by day. For our momentary, light affliction (say what?) is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal. For we know that if the earthly tent which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 & 5:1

Love

I haven't been feeling well. I already have a sleep disorder that has caused huge adjustments and limitations to my life. But now I've been sick for about 2 months on top of that, so I'm in bed and having other people take care of me and my household. It stinks and I don't understand it. However...I want to share a few thoughts on this topic, things I have been learning and truth I have been trying to walk in. Emphasis on the word "trying"!

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In all the difficulties I have had with my health since coming home from Africa in 2001, He has led me to surrender what I thought my life would be like, and be able to enjoy what life really IS like, hand in hand with Him. Over the years, I've been learning to trust that all of the things I would rather be doing (if circumstances were different) He obviously doesn't want me to do. I find a lot of peace in that. I used to think that sickness or difficulty were like waves coming against me, keeping me from getting anywhere in His will for my life, and that made me so mad because I wanted to please God with all I could do for Him. I'd pray against these things over and over, do spiritual warfare, believe I was healed and start trying to live normally. (These are certainly not bad ideas!!!) But deep down, I wasn't upset because I was sick. I was upset because I was being held back from showing God how much I loved Him. I was worthless in my own eyes because I couldn't "do" anything, but then...

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I loved it when God told me that even if I was in a coma I could still fulfill His purpose for my life. That He would not be disappointed if I didn't lift another finger for Him. Everything I was doing on the outside, in the physical realm, was just extra...just a day job. This changed my life, the day I chose to believe this! It is such a special promise. To God, knowing Him and dwelling with Him, praising Him and trusting Him, this is the essence of Life. We expect so much out of ourselves, perhaps because we think that is what God is after. But He's not. He's after our hearts. He wants us to know Him deeply and not care about knowing or having or accomplishing anything else. As this happens, He clarifies and simplifies our lives down to the few things He wants us to be doing in the physical realm. Then as we obey, we are full of joy and fruit in our work, but we don't feel pressure to achieve anything. We don't weigh our worth based on our fruit; we are already complete in Him. He shows us how to love our neighbor after we learn to love Him with all of our heart, mind, soul, and strength. These commands may be equals, but there is a first among equals here.

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Whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, we can have joy and encouragement in the midst of it if we stop and sit at the Lord's feet for a while. If we can acknowledge that He is doing something in this mess, and if we decide to trust Him, then we shake hands with God and tell Him we are ready to go through whatever He wants us to go through. Ultimately, never failing, He is working on bringing us deeper with Him than anyone has ever dared to go! Until we believe that this intention of His is the sweetest blessing ever, we will be angry about what He has allowed into our lives. He is good. He gives good gifts. He gave Himself once and for all, and He keeps giving more to anyone who will turn their eyes and be satisfied with Him alone.

Isaiah 40:31/Matt. 6:33/Matt 22:37

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A Little More about Immaculee

One of the things that really stands out to me in Immaculee's story (in the book, Left to Tell) is how she found God as a refuge in the midst of the storm instead of choosing to question and rage against Him. One of my favorite images is when she and the other women who are hiding in that tiny bathroom put their Bibles on their heads when they hear their attackers coming. First of all, to know all that they carried away from their homes in the terror of the night was the clothes on their back and their Bible is especially meaningful. But then, to cling to it and hold it over their heads for protection...all they could do was hold up His Word, and hide under it. Immaculee says that the greatest tragedy for so many of the survivors of the Rwandan genocide is that they lost their faith, and because they could not believe anymore, they were left with absolutely nothing.

This is a crossroads we will all come to at some point; we either have already or we will. Do we have faith when the opposite of everything we believe God will do for us happens? When push comes to shove, do we believe He is good and trustworthy despite the situation we or our loved ones are in? In the small things, like getting sick at an inopportune time or missing an important appointment, do we say, "Why, God?" Will Jesus find faith on the earth when He returns, or will He find people demanding He come through on their requests? Will He find humble faith or will He find us relying on anything else that we can find for comfort, security, and solutions?

It's so scary to live by faith in God and His Word. It just looks so dumb! It looks so childish, even superstitious. It feels like we haven't progressed very far if we are surrendering everything to a God we can't see, to a God who keeps allowing suffering when it is widespread belief that He is powerful enough to stop it. It looks wimpy or even lazy, to leave things in God's hands and not fight to the death. We seem brainwashed when we say, "I will always love this God, no matter what He allows to come my way; His love is all I need." It just doesn't fit the culture these days to cling to a verse of Scripture that makes no sense to others but brings utter peace to our souls. Lord, give us a mature faith that blesses Your heart when You see it. You are worthy of it. Help us!

I think it is a gift when God allows us opportunities to choose this kind of faith.

Left to Tell by Immaculee Ilabagiza

Well, I just finished this book by Immaculee Ilabagiza. She is a young woman, actually about my age I guess, who miraculously survived the mass murder of the Tutsi people of Rwanda in 1994. Her story is difficult, but beautiful. I encourage you to read it, for many reasons. Understanding what happened in this holocaust is important, but on a spiritual level, there are things we need to learn from her about faith in suffering. Her story is a modern day example of how you can lose everything, and at that point be given a chance to understand more of the Bible and more of an intimacy with God than you ever would have in a land of safety and plenty.

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There were times in reading this book I was shaking with rage, as I learned more details than I could really bear to know. And that rage is really what this book was about; it was about how generations of hatred live on, with lies whispered into their ears, rumors of blame. There is so much need in Africa, and so the cycle begins: There is suffering for a multitude of reasons, then many of those in suffering are so mad that they learn to hate the people they think are responsible for their lack, then after years of the lies (or maybe its true, maybe certain people like their government are responsible for their suffering) they believe those people aren't even people. And when we believe someone else isn't an equal human being, we ourselves stop acting as decent human beings. As generations carry these grievances, all started by satan who lives for this confusion and hatred and slaughter, thousands of people have the capability to cross their front lawn to kill their neighbors--all in an effort to have more jobs or food or security or safety for themselves--and this is part of the story of how the Rwandan Holocaust happened.

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In my heart, (which as I said felt a lot of rage in reading this book) and in the hearts of those survivors and their children and their children who will walk the ground of Rwanda, or Germany, or even the United States,--who will continue to visit graves, who will still live in terror sometimes at the evil on the earth, who will possibly teach their children the same fear and self-reliance and sadness they themselves still suffer from--there must be a change. I pray for a healing, and this healing only--ONLY--comes through a personal encounter with Jesus and the truth of God's Word. I have felt this so many times, and it is even more confirmed now, whatever we have to do to make a person safe, warm, fed, we need to do it, with the heart of God on our sleeve. We need to tuck them in covers and say this is Jesus with His arms around them, as Sweet Sleep does when they give beds to orphans. We need to rescue women who are numb and lost because of their current occupation of forced prostitution and like the International Justice Mission, give them spiritual mothers who can speak worth and promise into their lives again just like our mothers did. Damaged and broken people cause more damage and brokenness. They need Jesus, and in every blanket, every counseling session, every grain of rice, He can be clearly represented. World peace isn't coming...Jesus is coming! Until He does, I want to know Him well, and trust He will make us vessels for others to also know Him well...know Him so well that "all of a sudden they are unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory" (J.M. McMillan/2 Cor. 4:16-18)

I pray for us to have these things Immaculee wrote about: Such a deep understanding of God's personal relationship with us, deep enough to know all is well either in life or in death, deep enough to let go of this temporary life when the day comes. Such a deep understanding of Jesus's words on the cross, "Father, forgive them, they don't know what they are doing", deep enough to face people who have done things worse than rabid animals would and just plead with God to bring them to their knees in repentance so they could be saved from His wrath.

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Souls are so fragile. We have to love.

Just a Plain Rainy Day

I love the rain and the fact that I didn't have to go anywhere today! My day with the girls was pretty good. Yemi has been a little more screamy that usual, but she has just been tired I think. Selah did some great art work today and worked on her Hooked On Phonics. I did a bunch of paperwork organizing and cooked vegetables to puree so I can hide them in our food, and dishes and whatnot around the house. I am really praying to get to the bottom of this: I am having an array of weird health symptoms, and they seem kind of stress related sometimes, which really bothers me because I don't think I have any good reason to be stressed.

Anyway, for almost 2 weeks now (and actually off and on for a month before that), I have had this throat contraction/tight feeling called "cricopharyngeus spasm". It freaked me out at first because I had been working more on vocal stuff and I thought that maybe I had actually hurt my vocal cords. I gave it to the Lord and just tried to relax, because my voice, even just talking to my family, is a gift from the Lord and He is in control of it!

It has gotten a little better, but it is still there all of the time. From the research I've done, some doctors think it is related to reflux. This does run in my family, but I have never had any symptoms of reflux before (except for when I was pregnant). So, I'm taking some otc reflux meds, but nothing is changing, and I am having some other reflux symptoms like ear pain and tight chest, too. It's so weird! I'm praying it will just pass over and not come back. But there are the details on that situation!