Singing...

"Give me oil in my lamp

keep it burning, burning, burning

Give me oil in my lamp I pray;

Give me oil in my lamp

keep it burning, burning, burning

keep it burning 'to the end of days'."

Someone sang this last night at Elizabethtown House of Prayer (EHOP)--which i LOVE, by the way--and it just resonated with me. I have no idea how long ago it was that I heard this song, but probably it was with children. It's just a little children's song...but it is the sum of my prayers these days!

I have a great life, but I am still in a place at all times when I am desperate for the Lord to fill me with motivation, joy, and energy FOR the life and daily tasks and relationships He has given me. I am lazy, I am lost...I would choose TV and sugar over obedience and love, I would. Every day would be a struggle over SELF, in one way or another. If it wasn't laziness or depression, it would be ambition and accomplishment, pride, overachieving. He is my hope, my new mercies every morning to live my days with Him and for Him. And I also think of how I need His fire to burn in me, not just for fire and motivation to obey, but the refining fire of holiness. I want to come out of every season of the soul, every season of this temporal life, the good, bad, and ugly, shining. Our faith is imperishable, it is better than gold, (1 Peter 1) and my prayer is-- both in the small everyday trials and at the end of days-- that I (my faith) would come out shining! His fire in me is the only way.

Also, in this song, we're asking Him that when He returns, we'd be ready. We'd be those watchmen on the wall...we'd be those brides waiting, with plenty of oil for the whole night long, not running dry mere moments before the Groom arrives to retrieve them and rescue them! I think about how much attention we pay to everything temporal and how little attention we pay to everything that matters. He tarries His return because He waits for the sons of God to wake up and be found in Him upon His arrival. I'll end this post with one more song about the same thing...it's by Misty Edwards, and this is just a snippet of it.

"Come be the fire inside of me

come be the flame upon my heart

come be the fire inside of me

until You and I are one..."

The Break Up

This week, I did something I've known I needed to do for a long time.

I broke up with sugar.

It was a clean break, no negotiations.

It wasn't exactly mutual, but he'll just have to get over me.

Or is the other way around?

Sugar is like a bad boyfriend, really. After the break-up, he has showed up everywhere I am. I'm like, "Really? Seriously?" I mean, come on! Like I want to see him every time I see my friends!

I told him we could rendezvous a little on holidays, but we will not be alone together under any circumstances!

It would be nice to never be near him again, but alas...this is not realistic. He'll be hanging around forever, sometimes even hidden when I least expect him. However, I am sure that this was the right decision for me. He was not good to me, and he's never going to change!

Life is sweet enough without him. (So take that!)

Love Song

"I can't understand this work of grace

how a perfect God would come and take my place...

Stars, they don't move you

the waves can't undo you

the mountains in their splendor cannot steal your heart;

this God who is holy

perfect in beauty

awesome in glory

is ravished by my heart...

Though I'm poor You say I am lovely

though I'm dark You say I am beautiful...

Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You

somehow my weak love has stolen away Your heart..."

I can't stop singing this song, even though I have known it for over a year now. I feel like I have fallen deeper into grace than I ever have before. The fact is, I am an over achiever and while I consciously don't realize my self righteousness, I do believe that I can accomplish my goals on my own. I am upset when I can't. And I've fallen deeper into grace because this week I saw once again where my striving gets me! There truly is nothing good in me. Even if I was meeting every expectation that I set out for myself, emphasis on I, it would only be because of God's amazing grace, strength, and help anyway. It's crazy how in the midst of this utter realization of my power, or lack of power I should say, that is when God brings me one step deeper and farther into holiness and His path and even seemingly impossible challenges to obey. To me, this is so backwards! In my mind, I would think that if I "failed" and was truly unable, God would (at best) kinda leave me alone...but instead it seems as if He is glad I know now what He always knew, and even better, is totally crazy in love with me

As I heard someone sing last night, "I hide in the wounds of the Lamb." This means to me that I expect to live a holy life, not a never ending cycle of sin/forgiveness that means nothing to me, but at the same time, despite my greatest hopes of how I can obey my sweet Savior, I must live in the knowledge of my desperate flesh which would overcome me without His grace.

Eloisa

(This is just a random pic of Selah and Yemi!)

I am so excited tonight! We have been sponsoring a child in Ethiopia through World Vision forever, and this month we found out he had aged out of the program. He is out of school and his family moved away. So, we were able to pick out a new child to sponsor and I had always thought it would be great for Selah to do the choosing when she got old enough to understand.

Last year, I was explaining child sponsorship to her, and after I finished she said, "Mom, you adults might call it sponsorship, but I call it sharing." She was just four years old when she said that. Her words instantly brought tears to my eyes, because that's exactly what it is. I'll be honest in saying how much I wish we could and would sponsor more children, because even though our budget is tight and sometimes difficult to even buy groceries, we still have so much more. We have so many luxuries that we call necessities. I think about this a lot, and pray for a constant re-evaluation before the Lord in this matter. I trust Him to tell us what changes to make and how to "share" more, as He has in the past.

So, tonight Selah picked out a little girl named Eloisa, from Mexico. She shares Selah's birthday, same year as well, so they are both five years old. She loves to play dolls, just like Selah. It is really neat to think that they will grow up together, just in different countries. We have learned some Spanish and want to learn a lot more, so I like that Selah picked a girl from Mexico. And it's a plus that she's not that far away, so there is great possibility that we could visit her someday! It is totally my dream that if we don't live overseas, that we visit and develop relationships and share Jesus as often as possible with many different tribes and tongues. God will have to work that all out...I have a lot of dreams!

And one came true tonight!

Songs

I am a singer-songwriter, I suppose...because I sing and write songs. But it has been a very weird year in regard to actually doing that! Back in October of 2009, I started having problems with my throat. It got better, and when it did, I started doing some Christmas concerts and felt really revived again in the desire to get out and sing. I had a lot of fun singing other people's songs and my own at Christmastime last year...at the nursing home, a house concert, and some other things. But my throat and my health in general took a horrible turn in December. I had my second long bout with illness (Oct, then Dec.) and the last concert I sang at, I felt so sick that it began to affect me emotionally. I was really shaken by this experience, by my body's inability to "pull it together", and by not being able to make my voice do what it used to do!

January through April were really hard. In my heart, I was at peace that even if I never sang again, it was okay...it was God's gift anyway, not mine. (Plus, I truly know that singers are a dime a dozen! Big deal if little me stops singing!) What was hard was that every day I got up and was tired and in pain. I was trying to grow in the Lord but had a hard time getting through the day with my kids. I felt guilty for not "feeling" like doing things I should do, and I was sad that I was treating my sleep disorder with meds but still not feeling good the hours I was awake.

I'm not sure what made me do it, but I finally decided to go to see a holistic nurse practitioner. I started to see changes almost instantly, because of following guidelines in books I was reading about adrenal fatigue. Although I have to labor in the process daily to be well, I am a different person! And lately I've wondered about singing again...I think for now that the answer is no, for a multitude of reasons...but that doesn't mean I don't have a song in my heart! I want to share a few of the words from the songs resonating with me right now.

Skeleton Bones by John Mark McMillan

"I want Your blood to flow inside my body

want Your breath inside my lungs

we just want to love You, we just want to love You...

Skeleton bones stand at the sound of eternity on the lips of the found

so separate those doors and let the son of resurrection in"

I mean, WOW! Eternity on our lips. The incarnate Christ living inside of us. No part of us untouched and unfilled with His resurrection power. We are alive: alive to our daily tasks, alive to loving the people God puts in our home and path, alive to the purposes and heart of God, because and only because of Him.

Something I learned this week is that when I am weak, like when I am disobeying, or just out of it, distant from communion with God, I have not strayed from God's banner of love and delight over me, I have simply strayed from MY ABILITY to SEE His love and delight over me. This is beautiful to me. My inconsistencies do not change Him, they change me. And in the same way, my fighting to stay in His presence does not change Him, it changes me. Christ is always alive in me, whether I'm sick or well, awake to life or asleep in darkness, through a hard season or a joyous one, in using gifts in conspicuous ways or being held back for a while to just BE in the Lord.

Life Today

Yemi is watching the last five minutes of Elmo's World, which she loves. She's wearing a little apron and playing in her kitchen at the same time. It's fun to be with her every morning! Selah is at school, her 9th day of kindergarten. I have such mixed feelings every time I go into her room. I think she would be bored if she were home with me, because I just don't have the mojo to keep her going all day--and maybe I shouldn't have to, but until I figure out how all of us can survive in this same space 12 hours a day and be happy, this is the right thing to do! I am still deeply in prayer about sending her to school vs. homeschool.

I do not believe that there is one across the board answer for every parent, such as "homeschooling is the only way for your kids to be raised in the admonition of the Lord." However, I need to know if God is telling us specifically that His calling on Selah's life does require her to be homeschooled. That is my prayer, and I have to trust Him to tell me. Right now, I feel sad that she is gone, and I often think of things we would be doing if she was home. But at the same time, I am glad she is having this experience, and when she gets home we jump into the most important things that we used to do together, things that are the priority of our lives. I am so concerned that these things are her priority--the Word, worship, learning how to be more like Jesus, the nations, hearing the Lord personally--but I'm not sure that staying home with me every day is the way this will happen. For myself, these priorities happen through some things at home, like disciplines, but even more so they happen as I live out my daily life, in relationships, goals, difficulties, even conflicts.

Also under the category of "life today", I am struggling big time with my health again. I feel like it is affecting me even mentally and emotionally this time; I would say the blame falls on myself and on attack of the enemy. There are a list of things I know in my heart I have to do right now in order to be well and feel focused. I'm sure everyone has these things in mind. For me, I see these daily things as obedience, not just a good idea...therefore, I've had to repent of my laziness and bad choices! It's been hard. Do I ever get a break from trying my best to live this wise life? When I "take a break", I am the one who ends up suffering. Hopefully I will learn that soon! In the meantime, I am taking one day at a time, knowing I cannot obey these simple callings on my own. I am leaning on my Beloved. I am coming to Him all day. I am lost without Him. I don't know how other people feel. I would assume they feel a lot more stable...but I just don't. I will again though, with the help of the Lord.

Obedience is serious. I am definitely in a time of the discipline of the Lord right now (Heb. 12), and I have tasted the fruit...it's worth it. I just have to remember He disciplines those He loves. I will be stronger and more able to serve Him and be where He is at, through obeying these simple (yet all consuming) callings on my life right now. Guess that's enough processing through this for today!

On Track?

Every day is a new chance to get on track, and in sync, and aware, and awake. Especially after a weekend where all structure and diets fly out the window, Monday feels like an important day to make good choices. It seems like every day, even multiple times during the day, I have that chance to be engaged in the right things or not. I don't know if it is normal for it to be so hard, but to me it IS hard!!!

I have prayed lately for God to be the fire inside of me, burning away desires that are not wise, and motivating me toward the thoughts and actions that are. So He is answering that prayer. I can take no credit, because I feel the constant struggle and am not strong enough to always do the right thing. It's on my mind way too much. But He is answering that prayer because I feel His power at work. If the incarnate Christ lives in me, then I have the mind of Christ. If the Spirit lives in me, then I possess self-control and wisdom. I am a co-laborer with Him in living a wise life. I am not living in the dullness or confusion of not making my own decisions and letting life happen to me. I'm learning that this thing of "being on track" is not going to happen through rules or even a schedule, a diet or a structure. It's going to happen because I'm asking for more of Him, and less of me, and He is good enough to be answering that prayer.

While I am more comfortable with rules than with trusting myself to live by the Spirit, oh what a true sentence that is, I know God wants me to stay on track WITH Him, certainly not just for Him...