Content to Go, Content to Stay

It really has been a long time since I blogged! Usually Monday evenings are my only chance to write (and do many other things!) since my mom and dad take my girls for the night. Yay! I absolutely love having them home, but it is definitely nice to have 24 hours to do other things. Like clean the basement where 1/4 of it was gutted due to mold, prepare for leading songs at Open House on Saturday, get stuff in piles for Goodwill, go for a walk...You get the picture.

So, of all the things rolling around in my mind, what do I actually want to write about?

I will tell you that last week we prayed about moving to Cincinnati. Jack really wants to be back in youth or college-age ministry, and we have always talked about being open to moving. Now when it got down to it, when we truly were considering the move, it was so overwhelming. How do you do it? Oh my gosh! I had visions of myself grabbing onto the front step and not letting go. I thought, "What about that playground we just built outside one year ago? Okay. That settles it. We cannot leave it there all alone!!" But of course the realistic sacrifice, the hardest thing to let go of, are our family and friends. Grandad in the nursing home, Jack's mom rarely in good health, my mom and dad, their closeness to our girls, friends who are family. Not that any of the family needs us; we are not in that kind of position or relationship where anyone depends on us, but just being around, mainly for them to get hugs from grandkids, is what makes my heart hurt when I really think about moving. And Cincinnati was just a couple hours up the road!

Jack said no to the position...Just was not the right thing at the right time. But at the same time we were discussing that possible move, we had sent off our resume and application to a nondenominational Christian boarding school/academy in Texas. With all the pulling on my heart strings aside, I absolutely love the idea of moving to live at this place! It really would be a fun adventure for our family, all of our needs met, including school for the girls if we decided to let them go instead of homeschool some day. The job is resident parents, and we would live with 8 other kids/teens. Today we got an email saying they would like to have a "phone visit".

I don't begin to think I know what will come of this. There's a part of me that says, "Are ya crazy? Why would you leave when you are so loved here?" but then there's another part of me that says, "But Jack isn't getting to do what he loves here, OR be with his family much for that matter, and it is awesome to know that we are free to go...and come back, too, if we want to." I can honestly say I am happy here, and have a very full life. But certain ideas would get me out of here in an instant, such as the idea of starting a home or care point for street kids in Ethiopia, or something where as a family we are getting to be ourselves, use our gifts, and share Jesus with people who need Him. I don't know if the Texas thing fits that or not. I know that my love of discipleship, parenting, teaching, and singing would all come in handy, plus my desire to keep learning Spanish. I love the idea of my family getting out the crudilicious Ohio Valley and be free from many allergies. My family would get to live on a farm and have lots of cool opportunities. This is a part of me that I can't escape: I love love love the idea of living with the people I am called to. When I was a missionary, that was basically my only request. I needed my own space to call my own, just a room and a door because I know I'm an introvert and have to hide away sometimes, but I did not want to drive across town to be with my people. I wanted to do what they did, live, speak, eat, suffer, celebrate, just like them. I didn't need to be taught that in mission school; God gave me that instinct and I still have it. I think it's important in making a decision to see if what you're considering goes along with some core parts of who you are.

Of course, being married that can be quite tricky! I require sunshine, I really do--Jack hates hot climates. I am drawn to international places, poor, dirty--Jack? Not so much. But he balances me out, and I absolutely trust that God brought us together as a check and balance. If we are both walking with God, He will lead the way. I really am content to go, content to stay. My great adventure is Jesus Himself, not where He leads or what He does through me.

A New Day...Tomorrow?

I have a lot to do today...and just spent an hour on the couch watching the latest episode of Drop Dead Diva and eating cookies...so I will write quickly. :) The past week and a half has been such a blur for me. I really really really want to get back on my feet again, and several times I thought I was but fell down again. Not literally. That would be funny though.

Basically a week and a half ago, we gutted a part of our basement which had mold and I've been sleeping in Selah's room upstairs ever since. I've felt tired, haven't been making the best choices (hence the cookies), and just feel overwhelmed. Today's Monday and I was thinking that today would start fresh and new, but I guess my whole family is zonked because we all slept 12 hours last night and weren't exactly shining this morning.

Anyway, one thing that I am truly excited yet also overwhelmed about is that Jack and I, after so many years of talking about it, are applying for ministry positions that would take us out of Kentucky. I swing from side to side on the pendulum, thinking, "Why would we do that? because our friends and church and family are here! That's crazy!" to "We don't want to feel stuck in this house and this job. We want Jack to get to spend his work hours on things he cares about and is gifted in. We want to go on adventures to make us stronger as a family and couple. We don't want to have regrets; we want our kids to have a variety of experiences!"

So, you know, I am so excited about this possibly actually happening...So excited about what may be out there for us. After what we have been through the past few years, just to imagine that way of life really being a thing of the past thrills me. Sickness and bad work experience gone. Wouldn't that be amazing? Already, this summer has amazed me. Getting to make this CD, getting to do such fun things with my kids, getting to homeschool and be involved in enrichment, getting to lead worship at church sometimes...those were all things I had completely died to. I surrendered them and did not expect them to come back around, but God had perfect timing. In fact, when they came back around, they came back to an entirely new person. The absence of all of those things changed me, because I found the Lord in such a fresh all consuming way. He is my Life, and all these details of what I'm involved in and how I spend my time are led by Him, but they are not my life. They are not my priority or the real meat of my existence. They're just what I do with this body as He fills it. That may sound really strange, but to me it changes everything.

So, back to being overwhelmed...I just need a few faithful days under my belt, days where by God's dwelling in me I make good choices and lead my self into submission. I wrote myself a note one day a while back, saying, "How about if you just stop falling into the pit in the first place, friend? Then you won't have to do all this work to get out of it." Duh, right? This one took me by surprise, and I definitely feel a Hand reaching down to help. The knowledge that I cannot stand on my own two feet is a remarkable help because it reminds me to come to Him instead of muster up something good in me...

It Is Worth It

Have you ever heard that song "I just can't seem to get it right today..."? It's on an iPad or some Apple product commercial I think. That is exactly how I feel about this entire week so far. When you consider time at the pediatrician's office a good counseling session, you know things are rough!

I think I just feel that as I am feeling better and getting out into the social world again (Ah, it's nice out there!), I might be getting out of balance. I might not be setting good enough boundaries. I don't know. Only the Spirit of God can clue me in, and I know He will, and as I prayed about it this morning I had a peace in knowing that if I needed to, I could make about 4 phone calls and let go of everything that I have invited into my schedule. That's nice to know.

But I think the deeper issue I'm experiencing--and this is just total honesty here because I don't fear people's opinions at all anymore--is that I am selfish and not content giving my full attention and giftings to these three people I have been entrusted with. I realized at Yemi's 3 year check up today that perhaps why I am so frustrated with her and her little 3 year old behavior is because I want us all to co-exist in this house peaceably without me having to drop whatever else I'd rather be attending to. OUCH.

When I took 5 minutes to just lay in the bed alone with Yemi at her nap time today, I have never seen such smiles! (I mean, since 2 days ago when she had ice cream at her Mimi's!) She is so good at playing alone that I guess I've gotten used to going about my merry way as well. Selah on the other hand is the same girl she was at birth; I can sum it up in one word. Demanding. So between Yemi really needing more attention from me and Selah needing to stop demanding more attention from me, I feel very alone and very thankful that I only have two kids! I don't have someone rescuing me at dinnertime every night. Jack's work schedule leaves me alone with the kids, let's see, something like 24-6! It's just me, and lately when someone asks me to do something (something that at some point I probably said, "Hey, if you need someone to do that sometime, give me a call") I find myself obviously saying no but then also being a little peeved, like a cartoon character pops up in my mind and yells, "WHAT DO YOU ALL WANT FROM ME?WHAT MORE COULD I GIVE???"

It's like if I give someone milk at breakfast, you better not cross me by asking for juice instead. Watch yourselves! :) Okay, joking aside, through my counseling session at the pediatrician's office and blogging today, I can clearly see that I have gotten in over my head and my attention needs to come back home. It really gives me joy to know that God loves my family (and me) enough to demand our priorities get straight. I hate busyness and a full mind. I want my heart and mind open for the Lord at all times. I know there are tasks to fulfill, but if there really isn't a time and space for those tasks, it is clearly not the right season for them. Pray for me and may God bless your homes and schedules, my friends!