AMEN!

Wow, I heard a great word today from IHOP Kansas City. It's "old" but new to me! A girl, I think her name was Julie Meyer, had a dream where God was speaking to her about several things. I need to listen to it again to really describe it, but I wanted to share this one thought.

She said something like: "Whatever you tripped over yesterday, you are going to tread upon today!" Have you ever just had a hallelujah or an amen or a YES just rise out of your gut and come out your throat without a chance to think it through? This has been happening to me more often recently. In the kitchen, when I heard this word, I jumped up and down, screaming YES!! AMEN!!! Victory. Yemi loved it. She likes to yell, "Jesus!" whenever she hears worship.

I wrote a song one time called "When A Flame is Fine", and its about how we/Christians/myself are pretty inhibited and perhaps even slightly dull to the sheer joy and dare I say emotion that the cross deserves! When you've been rescued, when you understand you've been rescued, I mean, really, is the proper response the type of things we tend to see in church on Sunday mornings?? Cold and quiet, hands in pockets?? I digress at this point...but I want to declare that yes, there are still many places where I cannot be totally myself and let those cries from my gut come out, but my home and where I worship on Sunday mornings are FREE spaces. It's good to not have to hold it inside anymore. FREEDOM!

What The?

So, I woke up today at 11:59, and while I know there are much worse things to wake up to, I woke to a complete and utter mess. Obviously, from the 14 hour night of sleep the night before, I'm not feeling so good, so I guess the past few days blurred by and I didn't notice the mess accumulating. Jack has been working non-stop on the girls' bedroom floors (bless him!!), so I've had to keep the girls downstairs playing and watching movies for days. It had all kinds of potential to be fun, and sometimes it was, but laying around watching movies with your hubby or by yourself and laying around watching movies with a whiney, snotty nosed 2 year old who only wants to watch Elmo or Dora is a different thing altogether.

So, anyway, every room in my house is disgusting. I actually dreamt last night about dust and cobwebs, so my subconscious was trying to prepare me! Most of the girls' belongings are in the middle of the kitchen, there's all kinds of crud under the table, 2 full loads of dishes and laundry to be done, receipts and paperwork I can't seem to get to (both physically and mentally!) and yet if I don't, who knows what may happen to the checking account? There is a stack of stuff Selah's teacher wants me to fill out or do or buy, due by 4 different dates in December, the basement is covered in toys from this morning when Jack was trying to keep the kids occupied (and halfway quiet for me, again, bless him!), and when I looked in the mirror I realized my distant relatives from both sides of the family had been forced to behold my completely overgrown eyebrows. Plus, no matter how hard I work at it, the scale continues to mock my efforts. I am SO staying in my pajamas today.

I feel better after sharing my ridiculous complaints; I really do. I need to go outside a little, and breathe in some fresh air before I attack this mess. December is going to be wonderful: more new flooring which is a dream come true, Christmas parties, Selah being off school again, making yummy things to share with friends and family. And January through March? Well, survival will require some spiritual warfare...and blogging. I've decided to blog Jan-Mar (almost) everyday, each day bringing up a new way to survive the worst winter has to throw at us! I am no longer a winter-hater, I just know I need some extra support during those darker, shorter, colder days. Thanks for stopping in, friends. Love you and hope you had a fantastic Thanksgiving! (Kind of ironic, my Thanksgiving post was the opposite. I'll try to make up for that later!)

Hi!

I'm going to try to sneak in a quick blog while I'm making dinner! Last week, I missed blogging but I was just really too pitiful to get on here and say what was on my mind. I figured it would have done no good for anyone! It was just a rough week, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even socially. Sometimes my blogs may sound confident, as if I'm saying, "Oh, wow, look what I've discovered and look how easy all this is!!" If you ever take that home after reading, please remember this: I am a total and complete mess whose sound mind at any moment of any day is because Jesus has mercy on me. There. Now you know. :)

Anyway...speaking of Jesus having mercy...I have really had a breakthrough I would love to share! Whether it is the adrenal fatigue, or depression, or whatever, I was beginning to fear getting up in the morning; I wondered what I would face, and I wasn't sure anymore if I could handle what I would face. It's been like this for years, because some days I feel good and then on those days I can keep commitments, get things done, and feel pretty positive about my life, and then many days, I feel like I didn't sleep at all and I just want the day to be over before it's begun. When there are days like this in a row (which last year was pretty much every day), it definitely starts to get to me, and I forget who I really am and how I normally feel about all God has given me. There's the background, here's the good news:

On Sunday, the message/worship was about spiritual warfare. I felt like God was speaking directly to me, saying, "You are NOT a slave to what circumstances and feelings and moods, even sickness, that you wake up to!" I realized it was the enemy, it was Satan, who was taking these weaknesses of my body and life and turning them into something more than they actually are. I realized that I am not the enemy; my body and mind, even as carnal and flesh as it is, is not the enemy. My weaknesses are not the problem! The way I was allowing Satan to USE my weaknesses against me was the problem. Those weaknesses can be tremendous strengths with the right perspective: turning them into dependence on the Lord, bringing sacrifices of praise which are beautiful in His sight, and making my life "limited" to His will (not taking on more than He actually wants me to). It is awesome to not see myself as something to be feared, to not see myself as the enemy, because truth be told, I was treating myself like the enemy. I was not living, eating, taking care of my self like a person would who loves herself. I do have an enemy though, and I know how to deal with him! It is amazing how fast he has to flee when we declare that we will not agree with him, that we will not live by the thoughts he puts in our mind first thing in the morning!

I don't have power over these circumstances, and I don't like to pretend everything is great when I'm walking through quicksand. But I do have power, by God's presence and grace and truth, over what these circumstances do to me. AMEN!

Don't Neglect Redirection!

I am almost finished being shocked by my constant need for redirection.

For goodness sake, I am like a kid you have to tell every five minutes what they're supposed to be doing (or not doing). I forget what good news I just heard, I forget what clear word I received, and I'm just clueless...every morning. I'm lost and depressed...every morning. So it is a real joy that I am almost finished being shocked by my constant need for redirection, because now that I realize it and embrace this weak and sad reality about me, I can forgive myself and move on! God is showing me how important it is to receive redirection outside of myself. I never used to be the type to depend on books, teachings/podcasts, Bible Study workbooks, or praise music CDs to receive the guidance and truth that I needed from God. But now, I am taking in all I can get!

It makes sense to me to say that if we're in church, or in a Bible Study, or reading a book (all in efforts to grow spiritually) and those experiences do not redirect our eyes and hearts and lives to Jesus and how much He loves us, they are a waste of time. Our devotion and love for Him throughout the week will only be a response to the devotion and love we learn that He has for us first! We must be transformed daily by the renewing of our minds (Heb. 12) and His mercies are new every morning (Lam. 3:22). We do forget...and we are surprised that we feel angry or sad or confused. We need to do whatever it takes to be redirected to His love, His forgiveness, and His Word all day long, for no reason other than we need it. I think of Daniel and how he remained strong by seeking the Lord three times a day. Did he do this because the law required it? I don't think so! Maybe he did it because he knew of his constant need for redirection.

Not because we have to, not because anyone is watching, not for any reason other than we want more of Him and less of us, let's make altars in our daily schedules...moments where we escape the world and run into His arms, and be redirected into His love. Maybe it's a CD ready in the CD player to move your heart to Him while you clean up breakfast, then the Bible open on the lunch table where you can meditate on just one scripture, or during the kids' naps come to Him first before you move on to other tasks. As a mom, I feel like my time with God is so different than it used to be and it's been really hard to focus on Him even when I do find the time to spend with Him, but there are ways to work that out and we must continue to do so. These resources (CDs, books, teachings online) that I've mentioned are some of the things helping me to come out of the world and into His sanctuary throughout the day.

Lastly, it has been good to be out of so called "leadership" for the past couple of years, because I have learned a valuable truth about it. Christian leaders have 2 jobs: stay intimately and personally growing with Jesus as their #1 priority in life, and secondly, redirect people's eyes, ears, and hearts to Jesus Christ. Leaders don't need to seek to change anyone or tell anyone what to do or even what to believe, they just need to redirect people to Him and He will take care of the rest. When we are constantly being redirected back to the Lord and His peace, we will become redirectors ourselves.

Thoughts on Justice

One day, when Selah was really little, about 5 years ago, Jack came home and put in a video from the International Justice Mission. He was preparing to do some lessons on social justice issues with the youth at church, and I heard the video from the other room. Somehow in my 27 naive years, I had never heard of the things described in this video, and it tore me apart. Children being sold into slavery; teenagers and women trafficked and used in brothels; little boys kidnapped and forced to kill their parents, ushered into the army at the age of 5; the industry of sex tourism. The sheer number of people these things were happening to shocked me and left me numb. I had given very little thought to abuse, and now I was seeing the reality that these weren't just rare, sick crimes. This is every day business in dozens of countries.

My response was lots of tears, lots of asking God how could I help, lots of guilt about how little I contribute/how easy my life is, and lots of just emptiness, sadness. I hated that I couldn't do anything, but at the same time, I could not let go of the belief that God did indeed want me involved! But I didn't know where to begin, and I wanted answers fast. In this blog today, I want to briefly share in a nutshell the process I had to go through. (I know it doesn't look brief, but we're talking 5 years here!) Perhaps it will be a starting place for you, if you feel some of these things. There is so much more to say than just this, I'm just scratching the surface. These are in order...unfortunately, we can't skip a step.

1. EDUCATION: The first step is definitely education and awareness. On my blogsite there is a list of links to organizations that are literally saving the world. We can use them to learn about current events that pertain to these types of issues. This first step involves a little bit of time, signing up for a few prayer/info emails from various organizations, and most of all, it involves bravery. Most of us want to turn our heads from ugliness; we don't want to know it exists! But we must be brave, and let education and awareness break every last piece of our heart. We will not be used by God for justice if we do not first allow it to hurt deeply.

2. PRAYER: As education turns to brokenness, continue to ask for a tender heart. I learned that as Jesus grieves over these victims, He longs to have others who will toil with Him in prayer and grieving as well. Think of Jesus entering the garden before He was taken away to be crucified; He begged His disciples to stay and pray with Him, but they slept instead. If we want to go with God on rescue missions, we have to go with God in times (maybe years) of lamenting WITH Him. For a couple of years, I remember crying and crying and saying, "God, what good am I doing them through all this crying? Send me!!!" But this is important. God will not just give marching orders to act like His hands and feet. He has to change us to BE His hands and feet. That takes time, and it has to be done His way.

3. RELATIONSHIP: In mourning with God where He is, we gain exactly what He wants for every human being on earth: closeness and intimacy with Him. In this stage of my process, I learned one of the most important things I will ever learn: God does not want justice to be the number one passion of my life. He does NOT want me waking up every morning thinking about it. He does not ask me to live for it and die for it. God wants HIMSELF to be the number one passion of my life. He will allow no other to take that place. I learned I was worshipping the actions and the compassion and the desire to make a difference; God will not allow us to do this and get away with it, because He is a jealous God. He loves us too much to let us live for what He did not create us to live for! Oh, how frustrating these months were as I learned this lesson. I simply did not understand...until He finally got it through to me. We cannot put ministry, even the things of His heart, above HIM. There is a difference between the two, and we must understand that difference. This is when some of the frustration finally started to cease for me. My heart for justice is still there, strong as ever, given by God and approved by God...but I have learned to train my heart to beat first and foremost for the Lord and to seek Him above all these things.

4. ACTION: Once we get that straight, that personal intimacy with God must be our battle cry first and foremost, then we can trust that as we are with Him, learning, praying, mourning, that He will lead and guide us on how to serve people in need. We will be changed from the inside out, instead of being given laws and rules to live by. Honestly, I think there is room for believing that when Jesus said to sell our possessions and give them to the poor, and leave behind fields and family, that He meant it literally. There is room in my heart for that. I believe we need to prepare our hearts for it, meaning loosen our grip and be willing. But I also believe now, after going through this process, that to act on that without knowing the details and timing specifically from God to me, would be all about ME (making myself feel better) and not about God or justice.

After all these steps, He might say to look at your budget and change it a little or a lot, to give to organizations such as IJM, to make sacrifices to your non-necessities. To make sure you and your family are aware of the amount of non-necessities in your budget at all is a big step that most American families never take (at least not until they are forced to). But you won't be doing it because you feel guilty, you'll do it because God is leading you. You can come to Him and say, "Lord, this is Your money. Where do you want it to go?" He will tell you. Don't let someone else tell you what to do as if you can't hear from God yourself!!!!!!!!!!! (exclamation points to infinity!!!) This may just be a personal vendetta, but I cannot stand it when people say that when they see others in need it just reminds them to be grateful for their many blessings, and then call it a day. Sure, be thankful for your many blessings, but don't think for a second they are all yours to keep! When these steps happen in our lives, we will strive for equality and will not be content with excess.

He might call you to advocate in all kinds of creative ways, such as writing, speaking, meeting with small groups, educating others. He might call you to stay home and pray, or meet with a group to weekly pray over the prayer requests that come from these missionaries and organizations. I cannot stress enough how important it is to get connected with orgs and missionaries out there, because then you have real names and current situations to be praying for.

I went from thinking there was nothing I could do to feeling like there is no way to stay faithful to all the possibilities. I don't pray and serve in these ways nearly as much as I thought I would, or sincerely want to. I exist and thrive on knowing God is constantly at work in my life, refining me, burning away the chaff of distractions to both His call on my life to know Him and His call on my life to burn with Him for justice. The story has taken one unexpected turn after another for me, to say the least. The only way I can describe how I feel is to imagine being a jockey on a horse at the Derby, waiting in the gates, and even after the gates open and the other horses are running their race, I'm (against all rational thought) holding back my horse. Imagine that horse's fury and desire to GO! That's how I feel so many times. And that's how God feels ALL the time.

Isaiah 42:13-16

"The Lord will march out like a mighty man, like a warrior He will stir up His zeal; with a shout He will raise the battle cry and will triumph over His enemies. 'For a long time I have kept silent, I have been quiet and held myself back. But now, like a woman in childbirth, I cry out, I gasp and pant. I will lay waste the mountains and hills...I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.'"

Come, Lord Jesus!

The Glory of God

Yesterday as I was watching my girls play, I couldn't stop smiling. I felt so happy that God had given them to me (for this short time, I have to add). It hit me all of a sudden that God gave them to me to slow me down...to put me in this place where I would find Him...to wake up and see things fresh and new as I explored the world all over again with them...to find meaning in routines and actions and even words that I thought were meaningless or just "less". I like life a lot better this time around. A lot better.

A couple of years ago, God made me a beautiful promise. I had spent several years confused and upset, years of great things such as "motherhood" and "ministry". I was tormented by questions and thoughts like "Am I doing enough?", "Is God disappointed with me?" and "Where am I supposed to be?" I had planned and even committed to such a different life, and here I was...very, very normal in a very, very normal place doing very, very normal things. Well, after a couple years of difficult wrestling, the Lord made a covenant with me that changed my life. Backed up by His Word like crazy, it went something like this: "Lyndsay, I give you permission to let go of every single thing you think I want from you, and I ask you to do this: Live your life to be in an intimate, growing relationship with Me. Be consumed with knowing Me. Set your thoughts and desires on the unseen realm with Me. If you do this, I promise you will not miss anything I had for you to accomplish on earth." There's more, but that's the main point. I cannot describe how this utterly and completely set me free from my bondage. I believe this promise by faith, and have now for 2 years. I am a different person than I was then.

There is a peace in knowing that my only job is to be in love with Jesus and dwell in His love for me, because it puts "my day job" in proper perspective. There is a contentment in knowing that He promises to lead and guide my external affairs as my focus is NOT on them. As I say often in my blog, I may sound crazy but it's true. I was not fully alive, not for one moment, until I started living in light of this promise. I am fully alive to enjoy my kids, because they are not in the way of what "God wanted to do with my life." I am fully alive to enjoy my home, because God works on my heart while I work on the dishes. I am fully alive to be a joyful wife (Oh Lord help me be a joyful wife!), because God gets to choose who I spend my life praying for and ministering to...and my husband is #1 on that list. I admit I want to do more at times, because of the love He has given me for the nations and people in need. But I do trust His promise in this as well. He is the one at work, not me, and it will always be that way.

St. Irenaeus of Lyons (whoever he is, I'm not pretending to know) said, "The glory of God is man fully alive." My joy and freedom is that no matter what happens in my life, as seasons change and blessings, relationships, children, jobs, even temporary callings come and go, my first and foremost reason for living happens as I "sit down in His shade with great delight." (Song of Solomon) I've heard it said, and I'm adopting it as my own: I'm teaching my children to not be loving volunteers but to be voluntary lovers!

Church and My Kids

My kids are hilarious.

We worship on Sunday mornings at the Vineyard here in Elizabethtown, and during the first hour of church, everyone stays together to sing. Then for the second hour, during the teaching, the kids have their own class to go to. It is usually really awesome for the whole family, and I love using that time to guide Selah in worshipping the Lord. (And Yemi, too.)

It's the kind of environment where no one would barely even hear you if you literally "shouted to the Lord", and you definitely can kneel down in prayer anytime you want without feeling weird. You can raise your hands and jump up and down if you want because no one would be distracted by you; they're too busy interacting personally with Jesus. You might think this is a wacky church, but all I can say is that people are being touched by the personal love of God in that time, which I hope can be said for all the congregations meeting in that hour, no matter what that looks like for them.

Well, anyway, all that to say that yesterday my kids were worshipping, and I don't know if it was for real or not, but as things were winding down, Selah yelled out "Jesus!" and then immediately Yemi yelled out "Jesus!" This happened as the instruments were quieting down and the worship leader was probably deciding whether or not to pray or sing more or whatever. Everyone kind of chuckled in an accepting and sweet way. Then before the worship leader could say anything else, and as the room had become completely quiet, Yemi yells out, "Amen!" It was just hysterical. The worship leader just laughed and said, "Okay, amen then."