October

I have been going on evening walks with my dog, Teddy. Thanks to him, I can go farther down my road than ever before because I'm no longer afraid of the "neighborhood" dogs.  I say "neighborhood" in quotes because I don't have a neighborhood really. I live on a country road... which is actually code for rednecks driving fast around curves and people who don't feel the need to leash or fence in their dogs. So while I still have to be careful (for the cars), I am really enjoying AUTUMN on these walks. I'll have to take some pictures some time and post on the blog.

Tonight I walked about eight minutes. I sadly turned around and came home because I just didn't feel well enough to keep going. I have had a hard day with my health. I told someone the other day that if I was to have another baby (which I'm not) that at this more mature age (of 34) I think I would do a lot better with the crazy emotions than when I had a newborn at the age of 27. I told her, "I think I would take it in stride, knowing that it passes, and wait as things get better."

I truly did think that was true when I said it...so why can't I be that mature and wise now? It's the same thing. I have to take this in stride, because it is going to pass. I have been putting one foot in front of the other all summer. I have chosen to not complain, I have chosen to get up and do what is on my list, at least the most vital things. I have eaten well, exercised, done my work, cleaned, cooked, made the laundry and dishes appear magically where they belong, and homeschooled 4 days a week. In the past month, I have been reading more-books like One Thousand Gifts and Abba's Child-and have really felt the Lord's wisdom and presence.

But some days, like today, it's like I just don't feel like making the choice. It's not that I won't make the choice to accept what He's allowed, surrender, and praise Him...I have done that. It's not that I won't make the choice to make dinner or teach...I have done that. I just don't feel like going the extra mile. In my heart, on days like today, I want to quit. And honestly it's nice to write that, because I CAN quit...there's a lot of things I could quit and the world would keep spinning. It's just that I've really enjoyed the life God has given me in the past year...I guess I'm not wanting to let it go. Plus, there is a balance. I could quit everything, and then get depressed about staying home all the time with no where to be and no one to see. I like doing!

Last year at Thanksgiving, with my big 80+ member family, we stood in a circle and I said, "I'm thankful that the Lord has healed me and I get to homeschool and enjoy my family and I don't take it for granted for even one day." This year, I'm going to have to say something different, it looks like. I think I might know what that is...

The only good thing about this moment in time is: If God wants me to chill, it's because He is drawing me closer to Him. That is a VERY good thing! Maybe I have missed something vital in my walk with Him while I felt well, or maybe He is not saying that, but He is just pruning. My prayer is that I will not miss that opportunity, filling the space with television or Facebook or something, but that God will get out of it what He desires...which I know is for my good.