Ah, New Years

New Years has always been a big deal to me. I'm big on focus and simplicity.

Here are my basic thoughts...

*I want to live surrendered, at the foot of Christ, enjoying Him, and not getting all freaked out about making everything happen. No day is a waste if I'm here, in my heart. (Mary, John 11 & 12)

*I want to use my spiritual gifts until Jesus returns: encouraging, giving, intercession, missions, mercy. I don't want to look around and see if anyone gives me a thumbs up. i'm tired of that! I want to use my gifts for the Lord! (Col. 3:23)

*My marriage is going to get better every week! (Eph. 5:1)

*Raising up the girls in the truth and happy heart of the Lord; I want them to know Him intimately, not just about Him. Meeting more christian friends will be wonderful for them; praying about groups they will join.

*This year, we decide on Selah's elementary education, or at least the first year of it. Lots of research and prayer there!

*This year, I feel like I need to realize the clues when I am getting exhausted and stay very flexible regardless of who is inconvenienced. Lots of discipline required here, which is difficult in itself but gets much harder when I'm tired.

*We want to work on our house, since we are always, always here! For 8 years, we've really disliked some things and some were just gross (carpet where 4 dogs, um, lived.) I was the queen of the "only buy what you must have because we need to practice equality with our global neighbors" parade, and we have changed very little about the house. But, although I still feel the same way as i did during my "reign" as queen, I never fully got an answer from God about what to do in regard to this situation of living in "The United Excess of America" except "be still and know Me, and live by the Spirit. Do what you CAN do, don't worry about what you can't." Didn't get those specific rules I was hoping for. But through the process my heart got where He wanted it to be. So, I don't see things in such black and white, wrong and right anymore; I just sort of feel what we can do and what we can't do. What we can give and what we can't. It is not monetized or written law. It's harder this way, and I bet you I'm not even halfway correct in the way I'm living. But that balance will ALWAYS be a tight rope I'm conscious of walking.

So, there's my upcoming year--or at least what I think I'll be spending it on. Cheers!

Christmas

Remember that holiday when Selah woke Jack up early on Christmas morning, and instead of saying, "Daddy, let's get up and open presents!", she says, "Daddy, daddy, wake up! I have a booger the size of an acorn in my nose! But thankfully, I have big --what are these called?--oh a nostril---Thankfully I have a big nostril and the ability to get it out."

Remember that Christmas when Selah tackled Granmere in her exuberant joy and thankfulness for her presents? Ah, the memory of 50 faces in utter terror and silence; but my (80 year old with knee problems) Granmere didn't officially fall down...she was just a little in shock. Thankfully she likes kids with a little spunk.

Remember that year when Yemi threw a fit throughout the beautiful reading of Luke Chapter 2 on Christmas Eve? Somehow 75 of my family members, along with their babies of all ages, are quiet and calm for these few precious moments...but not mine. This is always my daughters' moment to either get in the middle of the room and dance (making everyone laugh instead of be reverent) OR embarrass me with their outrageous super sonic loudness. An aunt on one side says, "It's okay, let her play"; an aunt on the other side gives me the evil eye. What to do, what to do?

Remember watching The Muppets sing the "12 Days of Christmas" with Jimmy Fallon, and Sesame Street's manger scene clip, and laughing our heads off together at Bert's hay fever and baby Natasha crawling? Remember watching Santa Clause 2 & 3 about 2 or 3 times more than we would have liked? Every day?

Well, this was not yester year my friends. It was this past week.

And to end on a personal note, I also remember eating too much sugar cookie dough and getting that icky feeling but not learning my lesson. I remember eating peanut butter balls in bed. Okay, that's a lie. I literally do not remember it, thanks to ambien, but I am told by a reliable source that it happened. I remember losing it completely during one of Yemi's tantrums because I was missing bedtime. Her's, mine, and both of ours, and everybody elses in the world; bedtimes were missed.

But I also remember Christmas morning sleepy eyes and flannel pj's and reclaiming bits of papers from a certain toddler's mouth and seeing a 4 year old Princess receive a few more things to charge her imagination...and possibly her vanity. Oops. I remember a joy and relief deep down, knowing that all four of us were home for Christmas for the first time. It is easy to give thanks...

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. More to come about Marriage Step 4 next. :)

Jack & Lyn, Part 3

SO...the next part of my and Jack's 9 years together involves a little bit of everything. It was a crazy bunch of years, from 2002-2006. We had moved into the great gift of our home (given as inheritance from Jack's family), with a sweet little dog named Lily. I was working at Lifeway, which I really liked. I was the stockroom manager and music section person; I loved helping people find stuff, praying with people in the store, and tidying up. Little did I know I would be doing SO much of that tidying up at home in the years to come! Jack worked probably 4 or 5 jobs during these 3 years; he was pretty creative and tried it all! He worked at a tree farm, a boys home, a lumber company, a printing press, plus we did a Lifeway camp (M-FUGE) in Jacksonville one summer. I'll tell you, this was the beginning of being very disappointed in our career/degree choice from college. I was a Christian Social Ministries major, because I loved the nations and was positive that I would be an international missionary. It never occurred to me that I needed a skill other than talking to people about Jesus and singing songs. Jack was an Educational Ministries major, because he was then and has been for years an excellent, silly, much-loved youth minister. He felt he would always be on staff doing ministry, either in a para-church capacity or something creative along those lines. He is incredible at dreaming up and starting things; he's also great with a video camera and sees things others don't see in photography. It seemed so simple to us back in college. We would use these natural giftings for the rest of our lives and it would be great. But after just a few years into the game, it began to feel like we were only trained for this tiny margin of work, most of which did not pay enough to live on...most of which wanted you to work full time for part time pay. As much as I wanted to be on the mission field, I was struggling with my health here in the good ol' safe and healthy U.S.A. and it just felt impossible. We had seen enough of church staff to wonder how we could "go there" again. We were wondering if we needed to go back to school or what! We chose "or what". Probably not the best choice!

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But then in January of 2004 we met people who were starting the Bridge. That was a really fun year of servant evangelism projects, house worship, and getting to know an amazing core of church-planters-in-training. We were involved in everything! In September of 2004, two cool things happened while I was doing mission work in Panama for about a month. Our church began a partnership with a great little church plant in a poor neighborhood and I found out I was pregnant. I will never forget that time! Such great memories. Eventually, that partnership sort of ebbed away after their last visit here in 2006, but some good relationships were made. I can't wait to go back and visit, both the city and the island of Mamitupu, where I slept in hammocks and drank orange soda out of a billion times recycled bottles with my friends lovingly called "the sisters". Oh, and as for being pregnant, Jack and I had not been planning or trying...but it was a great surprise! I had a wonderful pregnancy, and in June 2005, our life was rock and rolled by Selah Jordan Taylor.

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That same month, two other things happened in our lives. Bad news first: Jack had to be scheduled for surgery on his spine. Having a newborn while this was going on was very difficult. I've been scaring my friends for years, telling them stories of how tired I was Selah's first 6 months and how terribly demanding it was to have a baby. But the fact is, if you don't have a sleep disorder or a husband who literally cannot get out of the recliner, it's not that big of a deal! And I can't forget about the good news: Jack's volunteer position with the youth at the Bridge turned into a paid, full time gig. I also worked with the youth girls a lot, and continued to (try to) plan global focus services and events. For the rest of 2005 and 2006, our lives completely revolved around Selah and the life of the church. Next, we discuss the "diverse city & adoption years". Stay tuned. :)

How We Fell in L.O.V.E

I'll backtrack a little, before the whole "first church, scary dog" phase. Jack and I met when we were in college; the first week he was on campus as a freshman to be exact. He was really the cutest thing, and he knew it. He had on this striped rainbow colored shirt, bell bottom jeans, and a train engineer's hat. He was loud and funny, and already had lots of girls giggling and wanting to hang out on Stapp Lawn with him. I wasn't impressed because I was a sophomore and my thoughts were: "Um, hello, we have studying to do, and you're a goof-off." But slowly my thoughts, as they always do, went to: "Um, actually, let's goof off!" So, we did. We had a blast, but I knew after our first "date" he was too silly for me. He would have been bored with me, honestly.

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So, for the next three years of my college career, Jack and I were very close friends. We saw each other through relationships, both good and bad. Jack was always the guy I could count on. He would take me to Wal-mart (I didn't have a car), cheer me up when I was lonely, and help explain stuff from math class to me. We were truly brother and sister. There are so many funny stories, but all so very incriminating!

Fast forward through my Senior Year, onto the summer after. Jack was a youth minister at a church near my parent's house, and he asked me to start the youth praise band at his church. So all summer, my great friend Jack insisted on picking me up for church. We had a ton of fun with his youth and the other workers; then I spent several months in China that fall while Jack went back to college. The only person I really wanted to call when I had the chance was Jack. Suspicious, right? At different times for over 6 months, Jack and I both recognized that we had feelings for each other, but we didn't say much. (I felt so mature, not just blabbing my feelings instantly like I had done with others in the past!)

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But then the day of blabbing came. At Joanna's apartment in Campbellsville, a bunch of best friends were together because I was leaving for Africa in 2 weeks. Lots of my guy & girl friends were there, people I still love so much and had such good times with. I knew, sitting there with all these friends, that things would be changing. We might not even all be in the same room ever again. I wondered how I would live without those people in my daily life. College had really spoiled me; I had the best friends in the world to do everything with and that next stage of life maybe wasn't going to be able to include them. But looking across that room, I saw Jack, and I felt so strongly that he was the one person I couldn't bear to not come with me into the future. So, I got up off the couch, walked across the room, and squeezed myself right next to him. We talked all night. I still went to Africa, but we got engaged 6 months later when I was home recovering from surgery. I went back to Africa, but health problems sent me home after just 5 more months...then 8 weeks later, on New Years Day 2001, we were married!

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Observing Our Anniversary

This weekend Jack and I are "observing" our Anniversary, which is actually on January 1st. We just take the babysitters when they are available! We have been married almost 9 years...in love for 10 1/2! It is amazing how times goes by. I would say it flies, but I'm not sure it does honestly. I am thinking through each phase we have been through in our marriage, and some of them sorta dragged on I must say!

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When we got married, we lived in a parsonage next to our first church, where I was the secretary and music minister and he was the youth pastor and associate pastor. Jack and I bonded a lot there because after the pastor resigned, we literally had our Monday morning staff meetings in bed. There were many great things about this season of our lives, and some difficult ones of course. I had just come home from Africa and was starting to struggle with a sleep disorder that would take years to diagnose. Jack was putting up with a wife who thought cheese, crackers and grapes were a lovely meal. Then all of a sudden, a new pastor came in and to accommodate his family, we literally packed all night, throwing our stuff in big black garbage bags so that the house would be ready for him the next day or so. After about 6 months of working with him, we realized we should have thrown ourselves in the big black garbage bags and quickly moved through the night. One more thing about this time: Buster. Buster the man eating dog who barked all night long contributing to my eternal sleep problems. Buster. Never in my life have I contemplated murder except in scenarios involving barking dogs! I once had this burnt bowl of chili I was throwing out to him (he was on a leash one foot from my carport), and I seriously considered poisoning it. But I didn't. I promise.

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Okay, so this blog just got us through phase one of our marriage. I'm sensing a series coming on.

Lights and Shadows

"Oh but this year is different, for you and for me

our own little miracle on our own little street

never before have I loved silent night so

but now that you're here by my side

baby it is, baby it is, it really is a wonderful life."

This year really is different, and better! We have our girls, safe and sound, enjoying the Christmas season together at home. It is such a relief that our adoption process is over, and Yemi Taylor, right now as I type, is asleep in her crib in our very house! Selah is at a lovely age for Christmas, taking in each and every experience as if it were a miracle. It is a joy to do things with her and give gifts to her, because she appreciates it all so much. I used to sing a song all the time called "How Could I Ask For More?" by Cindy Morgan, and that's how I feel with this family God has given us. Lighting candles, the sparkling tree, singing every Christmas song and watching every Christmas movie...we started early to fit it all in. It's been a good season already, with lots of time together, which is the best part!

But to be honest, (because what is a blog for if you can't be honest, right?) I'm taking all this in, every day, and sometimes I am terrible at living in the moment. I think about some things I would like changed way too much, like about our house or certain situations; I think about how much I don't want the kids to grow up, how sad that will be. I think about feeling like a failure in some other areas of my life that can't be attended to right now. Ultimately, I'm not at rest in what God has given me in the present way too often and I think it's because of fear. I'm afraid that these health issues I've been facing are going to ruin the beauty and privilege of this time; that Jack and I will get in some kind of rut that keeps our family from achieving all God has for us; I'm afraid of things changing before I'm ready.

I have to remember He will be there with me when all these things and people I love so much are no longer with me in the same way they are today. He is with me now, in the ideal days and in the crappy days. He will be with me then. I have to draw near to the everlasting light, my hope for yesterday, today, and tomorrow...who does not change like shifting shadows or fade in and out through time. His love is all I need.

Today at the Nursing Home

Today, Selah, Yemi, Grandma, Grandad, and I went to the nursing home. It was very fun and super funny. I set up my guitar and music, while Grandma was holding Yemi (who was screaming bloody murder of course), and Selah was out mingling with the residents, pretending with little giggles that she could understand what they were saying. Grandma had worn her Christmas sweater and everything, but she had to miss the concert...Yemi HAD to be escorted away. There were people visibly in pain from her screaming. I was one of them.

So, I get to singing some fun Christmas songs, and there is no microphone or anything. I'm singing as loud as I can, and one woman yells out, "Can anyone hear her?" and no one replies. Grandad rolls this woman's wheelchair so close to me that, literally, her shoe gets stuck under my music stand. In the middle of "What Child is This?", right as she was coughing really hard (on me), I had to stop the song and free her foot. Also, about 10 steps away from us, the 25 second long, as loud as Yemi (or the tornado siren, whatever) buzzer went off when any one in the hallway walked out the door. There were a lot of men working on the plumbing, electricity, etc. today. A lot. They liked that particular exit. They never learned how to punch in the code. I could have said or sang anything for those 25 seconds, as I was bleeped out so nicely!

We ended up doing "Count Your Blessings (Instead of Sheep)" three times, because more people kept coming in wanting to know if Selah was going to sing. Although she did a nice job singing, Selah (4 1/2 years old) is banned from future small concerts, because she kept interrupting me in the middle of songs! One time, she went over to a sweet lady in her wheelchair and they started having this loud conversation. All I could hear was "What's your name, little girl?" at least 7x in a row, and Selah kept saying, "What? I don't understand you." It was like, let's get this woman to stop singing so we can talk. (Hmm...I've felt that way before, too. Totally understandable.) Then, during "The Light of God" after I had asked Selah to sit next to me quietly, she interrupted me to say, "Mom, this is boring. Can I play the piano?" Needless to say, there was no McDonald's lunch reward this afternoon.

Anyway, these are funny things, but it really was a good time! I gave somebody an excellent nap, and my friend Mr. Cofer could hear every word and truly enjoyed it. We all sang nice and loud for Jingle Bells, We Wish You a Merry Christmas, and Silent Night, and everyone said it got them in the Christmas mood. And lastly, when our hour was up, Selah went around saying to everyone, "I hope you really enjoyed my mommy's songs. Don't you just think she is the best? Didn't you love her songs?? I hope you liked us."

Very memorable singing day. I'll do it again soon. :)

Top Ten Things I Learned in Nashville

Some new song writing friends and I got together in Nashville this past weekend, and I wanted to share some thoughts about what I learned in a Top Ten List:

#10 Every girl should keep having slumber parties. Rah Rah, sisters!

#9 Co-writing is awesome! I never knew!

#8 I have been extremely blessed to have such generous, humble, and talented friends to work with here in Elizabethtown.

#7 I CAN drive in Nashville & GPS's are so very fun. Even if they don't "moo", which is preferable.

#6 Pancake Pantry is worth the line. Even though we got to skip.

#5 I want to keep making CDs; just probably not there...

#4 To enjoy being independent. I won't question again if I'm supposed to be a staff writer or go after a record deal. I know enough to know now that these are not congruent with my...everything.

#3 Personal goals need to be set, and kept in front of my face. I can't please everybody, but I can know if I've been true to my calling.

#2 When on a fun weekend with friends, always say YES!

#1 Saying "yes" leads to things like singing at Ginny Owen's concert! Video still to come!

Super Weekend!

This weekend was so much fun! First, my mom took Yemi home with her on Friday, and while I missed her, it was really great to be able to leave the doors open, Selah's toys out on the floor, and have a little more peace and quiet than usual. (My children are extremely loud anyway, but when they are together, it is just insane.) Then, Friday night, I got to sing again! My church, the Bridge Community, has some amazing musicians. They did a concert and I got to be involved this year. It was the first time I have ever attempted to sing without my lyric sheets, and it truly was a brave attempt. Not a success, but an attempt. I wish I had video of how my brain froze in the middle of a verse, because it would have been a good laugh later. Anyway, it was with good friends, and I had a blast being able to be so comfortable!

Then on Saturday, I sang all afternoon at a Christmas Marketplace at a church in TN. This was so fun, because I got to see precious friends from college, and got to sing through my entire Christmas repertoire almost twice. (I sang off and on for 5 hours!) Okay, now the surprise enters the story: Ginny Owens came to see me sing! She has become a friend over the past 6 months, after being in her online song writing class early this past summer. I couldn't believe she came, and it was really fun to get to sing to her. She has been one of my favorite singers and songwriters for YEARS; she is just amazing. Then, after my singing, another friend and I got to go with her to one of her events. I admire her so much for her life and perseverance and ministry, and now I admire her for the kind of person I have found out that she is!

Better

I am so thankful to be feeling BETTER! Life has pretty much gotten back to normal in the past week, and I am ready to be involved in things at church, friendships, and extended family again! Also, I'm working out some dates to sing Christmas Music! So far, I'm singing at a nursing home, a "Merry Marketplace" event, a house concert, a store in beautiful Glendale...

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If you see more on Facebook or email about my new songs or concerts, I am really just trying to dip my toes back in the water! It feels very weird to have a fan page or ask people to pass it on to others; or to promote my music, thinking people might be interested in what I have to share. It's hard to get out there! But when I feel that way, like "why am I bothering to do this?", I remember that God gave me these songs and voice and desire to share, just like He has given each of us our part to give and be in the Body of Christ.

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Especially in concerts starting in 2010, I really want to look into opportunities to reach the people God is wanting me to reach. I guess in the past I have just waited for concerts or churches to sing at, but now I want to look for opportunities like women's ministry, women's correctional facilities/homes, nursing homes, college and youth age girl's bible studies. I want to share info about partnering with global organizations like IJM, and connect our churches to the believers around the world in much different circumstances...

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When I ask people to share my music, or give it as a gift, or "be my fan on facebook", my heart is to get a song (that encouraged my close friends) out to people I haven't met yet.

Threading Together the Decades!

Through Facebook, I have gotten in touch with some wonderful old friends. There is something so relieving about old friends. It's like they know that part of your life that they shared with you, and we share that memory without having to explain it. They also remind us of who we have been at different decades of our lives!

I have felt so disconnected these past 5 years or so with the idea of "who I used to be." My years at home with my parents, being a teenager in youth group and high school, college and missions and dating, Africa, marriage without kids, starting a church plant with amazing people, marriage with kids, now...They are these huge chunks of my life, with a set of different friends, different woes, different joys. When I see friends from these stages of life, I'm so happy but I also really miss when we were together more. I miss the things I used to do that made me "me", and I miss having free time to just think, hang out, talk about non-deep, silly stuff, and laugh!

I think I'm realizing three things:

1) I have got to make time for friends, old and new. It is difficult, and I don't know how to do it, but I must! Girls just wanna have fun!

2) I have got to do things that start to thread together the decades of "Lyn". I used to love to stay up late writing songs, scrapbooking, writing cards to people, reading full books in one night. I could watch romantic comedies for three days straight, eat tons of pizza and candy, and go for a walk outside for 2 hours to make myself feel better, kind of holding my stomach to see if I had added on inches yet. I love icees from the gas station, and looking around at clothes stores for shirts for $2.50. Musicals. Road trips. Girlfriends.

3) Becoming an adult has been a shocker of a transition. I spent SO much time as a child and teenager and college student thinking about what I would be when I grew up, who I would marry, what wonderful contributions I would make to the world. Seriously, I wish I would have believed the people who told me to just be a kid. To enjoy the innocent naivete of having no idea how much my parents were paying for my health insurance, my food, or the roof over my head wherever I roamed. To enjoy the masses of time I had on my hands to write hilarious poems about boys that we hated and collage my entire bedroom wall. Since becoming an adult, there have been disappointments that rock my world, and especially the world of my good friends, and I don't remember much of that from my first 20 years.

Broken Is Not Popular

"It is when a beautiful grain of corn is broken up in the earth by death, that its inner heart sprouts forth and bears hundreds of other grains. And thus, on and on, through all history, and all biography, and all vegetation, and all spiritual life, God must have broken things.

Those who are broken in wealth and broken in self-will, and broken in their ambitions, and broken in their beautiful ideals, and broken in worldly reputation, and broken in their affections, and broken ofttimes in health; those who are despised and seem utterly forlorn and helpless, the Holy Ghost is seizing upon, and using for God's glory." (Streams in the Desert, Oct. 15)

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Wow. I am thankful for the way this is so clearly written by an aged, in brokenness and surrender no doubt, saint. I can't claim to understand how it works; I can't even see if it is working in my own life! But it spurs me on to know that this place of surrender, this place of agreeing with God about all things He has allowed, is wonderful and is leading toward something good.

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I feel like it isn't popular to be in this place...I mean, I feel like it isn't popular to be in this place among many Christians. I often feel this pressure to be healed, to be changed, to see a miracle; I feel like people are begging or even demanding God for something for me, and fighting an enemy that may or may not be bringing a particular burden. When I used to pray like this, I was only left with discouragement and even confusion. I have probably left people feeling that way before, too.

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None of our opinions are going to be thoroughly correct, we can count on that! We act on the truth we believe. The truth I believe, at this point, is that God is walking through this life with us, and as we are dwelling with Him--knowing His Word, relying on other believers, having an intimate connection with Him, praying as He leads us to-- His will is going to be done. I really don't believe there are any special words I need to say to make things happen. There are some absolute things He wants for us that are scriptural; they are ours in Christ Jesus! We do have to claim what is ours at times. But there are other things and other times when submitting to affliction or looking past what we wanted to another possibility, learning contentment and joy, is the best gift He could give. It's hard because we need discernment! We don't always know what to pray, so we ask the Holy Spirit! But I feel challenged to make sure what I am asking from God submits to the possibility of His will taking a very different direction than I was believing for...

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Such a challenge.

Tonight

We went to see some family and friends on our early halloween. I'm not a big halloween person, but it is fun to see the kids dress up! Selah was the Little Mermaid, when she gets married; Yemi was a little lady bug. :) Had to share the pic!

My Fam

I love my fam. Not getting to be with them a lot the past week, because I was in bed, and this really crazy dream I had the other night both have made me SO thankful for the privilege of being in this family! Jack is wonderful. He really is my best friend, beside Jesus. My daughters are unique, beautiful, and hilarious. I'm so glad this is what God has chosen for me for this season. May it last long!

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A little update on health: I have been sleeping about 12-14 hours a night, and hoping that will make me better; at the same time, I am hoping in the Lord that I will not continue to need that amount of sleep, as I have in the past. I'm just praying mostly for wisdom and direction. I've been in this place before, of wishing I had a great doctor who wouldn't be guessing but would just KNOW what was going on. I just want to hear, "Oh, yes, these symptoms...Totally, I've seen them all together before! Here's what we'll do." Even if no one could fix it, there is just something about knowing. In the midst of it all, though, I feel a peace and thankfulness in my spirit. My life is very easy and simple, nothing much going on; I don't have a career or anything that even takes me out of my home often. While I am feeling disconnected from church (sigh), I can only do what I can do. I am way past wondering how many people think I'm a total weirdo recluse. :) (I love you, I miss you, come hang out with us!)

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Yesterday I got to romp around in Autumn at Bernheim Forest for a couple of hours! It is a good thing I did, too. Today, about half of our leaves are on the ground, and it was like a beautiful rain forest outside. I love living in the woods! And did I say how much I love my family?

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His Love is Mightier than our Lack

I've been thinking a lot this week, spurred on by time in the Word and some others books...and it's nothing brilliant, nothing creative, but just truth! I just feel so thankful and at peace because of how much God loves us, and so frustrated with how many times I have made things complicated and confusing with Him. He is just overflowing with grace and love and intimate favor for us. He hears our needs; He is with us. He is more patient with us than any human ever has been. Walking with Him is not boring or guilt-provoking or a mountainous climb to finally get at a "good place" with Him...or at least it doesn't have to be. He simply loves us and wants us to acknowledge the goodness of His presence...and His power alone changes and benefits us, not our efforts. I'm just thinking, how about if we make this whole thing about Him and who He wants to be to us, instead of us and what screw ups we must look like to Him (which we don't, we just think that!)?

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Today I posted on Facebook, as my status, something like, "I wonder when we started to freak out about our relationship with God, when He is just trying to love us?" Life is complicated and hard, but He is to be a Refuge, not another difficulty! He is a Fortress, not another warrior out to break us down.

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We will not be overcomers now or in the end because we got lucky breaks from God and He allowed us to have great success in our finances and health and relationships. We will be overcomers because we knew the world would always have trouble and we decided to abide safely in Him in the midst of it. His love is mighty enough to let us just do that one thing: Abide.

For Me and My Friends Whose Bodies Are Not Cooperating

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though our outer man is decaying (exactly!), our inner man is being renewed day by day. For our momentary, light affliction (say what?) is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal. For we know that if the earthly tent which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 & 5:1

Love

I haven't been feeling well. I already have a sleep disorder that has caused huge adjustments and limitations to my life. But now I've been sick for about 2 months on top of that, so I'm in bed and having other people take care of me and my household. It stinks and I don't understand it. However...I want to share a few thoughts on this topic, things I have been learning and truth I have been trying to walk in. Emphasis on the word "trying"!

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In all the difficulties I have had with my health since coming home from Africa in 2001, He has led me to surrender what I thought my life would be like, and be able to enjoy what life really IS like, hand in hand with Him. Over the years, I've been learning to trust that all of the things I would rather be doing (if circumstances were different) He obviously doesn't want me to do. I find a lot of peace in that. I used to think that sickness or difficulty were like waves coming against me, keeping me from getting anywhere in His will for my life, and that made me so mad because I wanted to please God with all I could do for Him. I'd pray against these things over and over, do spiritual warfare, believe I was healed and start trying to live normally. (These are certainly not bad ideas!!!) But deep down, I wasn't upset because I was sick. I was upset because I was being held back from showing God how much I loved Him. I was worthless in my own eyes because I couldn't "do" anything, but then...

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I loved it when God told me that even if I was in a coma I could still fulfill His purpose for my life. That He would not be disappointed if I didn't lift another finger for Him. Everything I was doing on the outside, in the physical realm, was just extra...just a day job. This changed my life, the day I chose to believe this! It is such a special promise. To God, knowing Him and dwelling with Him, praising Him and trusting Him, this is the essence of Life. We expect so much out of ourselves, perhaps because we think that is what God is after. But He's not. He's after our hearts. He wants us to know Him deeply and not care about knowing or having or accomplishing anything else. As this happens, He clarifies and simplifies our lives down to the few things He wants us to be doing in the physical realm. Then as we obey, we are full of joy and fruit in our work, but we don't feel pressure to achieve anything. We don't weigh our worth based on our fruit; we are already complete in Him. He shows us how to love our neighbor after we learn to love Him with all of our heart, mind, soul, and strength. These commands may be equals, but there is a first among equals here.

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Whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, we can have joy and encouragement in the midst of it if we stop and sit at the Lord's feet for a while. If we can acknowledge that He is doing something in this mess, and if we decide to trust Him, then we shake hands with God and tell Him we are ready to go through whatever He wants us to go through. Ultimately, never failing, He is working on bringing us deeper with Him than anyone has ever dared to go! Until we believe that this intention of His is the sweetest blessing ever, we will be angry about what He has allowed into our lives. He is good. He gives good gifts. He gave Himself once and for all, and He keeps giving more to anyone who will turn their eyes and be satisfied with Him alone.

Isaiah 40:31/Matt. 6:33/Matt 22:37

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A Little More about Immaculee

One of the things that really stands out to me in Immaculee's story (in the book, Left to Tell) is how she found God as a refuge in the midst of the storm instead of choosing to question and rage against Him. One of my favorite images is when she and the other women who are hiding in that tiny bathroom put their Bibles on their heads when they hear their attackers coming. First of all, to know all that they carried away from their homes in the terror of the night was the clothes on their back and their Bible is especially meaningful. But then, to cling to it and hold it over their heads for protection...all they could do was hold up His Word, and hide under it. Immaculee says that the greatest tragedy for so many of the survivors of the Rwandan genocide is that they lost their faith, and because they could not believe anymore, they were left with absolutely nothing.

This is a crossroads we will all come to at some point; we either have already or we will. Do we have faith when the opposite of everything we believe God will do for us happens? When push comes to shove, do we believe He is good and trustworthy despite the situation we or our loved ones are in? In the small things, like getting sick at an inopportune time or missing an important appointment, do we say, "Why, God?" Will Jesus find faith on the earth when He returns, or will He find people demanding He come through on their requests? Will He find humble faith or will He find us relying on anything else that we can find for comfort, security, and solutions?

It's so scary to live by faith in God and His Word. It just looks so dumb! It looks so childish, even superstitious. It feels like we haven't progressed very far if we are surrendering everything to a God we can't see, to a God who keeps allowing suffering when it is widespread belief that He is powerful enough to stop it. It looks wimpy or even lazy, to leave things in God's hands and not fight to the death. We seem brainwashed when we say, "I will always love this God, no matter what He allows to come my way; His love is all I need." It just doesn't fit the culture these days to cling to a verse of Scripture that makes no sense to others but brings utter peace to our souls. Lord, give us a mature faith that blesses Your heart when You see it. You are worthy of it. Help us!

I think it is a gift when God allows us opportunities to choose this kind of faith.

Left to Tell by Immaculee Ilabagiza

Well, I just finished this book by Immaculee Ilabagiza. She is a young woman, actually about my age I guess, who miraculously survived the mass murder of the Tutsi people of Rwanda in 1994. Her story is difficult, but beautiful. I encourage you to read it, for many reasons. Understanding what happened in this holocaust is important, but on a spiritual level, there are things we need to learn from her about faith in suffering. Her story is a modern day example of how you can lose everything, and at that point be given a chance to understand more of the Bible and more of an intimacy with God than you ever would have in a land of safety and plenty.

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There were times in reading this book I was shaking with rage, as I learned more details than I could really bear to know. And that rage is really what this book was about; it was about how generations of hatred live on, with lies whispered into their ears, rumors of blame. There is so much need in Africa, and so the cycle begins: There is suffering for a multitude of reasons, then many of those in suffering are so mad that they learn to hate the people they think are responsible for their lack, then after years of the lies (or maybe its true, maybe certain people like their government are responsible for their suffering) they believe those people aren't even people. And when we believe someone else isn't an equal human being, we ourselves stop acting as decent human beings. As generations carry these grievances, all started by satan who lives for this confusion and hatred and slaughter, thousands of people have the capability to cross their front lawn to kill their neighbors--all in an effort to have more jobs or food or security or safety for themselves--and this is part of the story of how the Rwandan Holocaust happened.

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In my heart, (which as I said felt a lot of rage in reading this book) and in the hearts of those survivors and their children and their children who will walk the ground of Rwanda, or Germany, or even the United States,--who will continue to visit graves, who will still live in terror sometimes at the evil on the earth, who will possibly teach their children the same fear and self-reliance and sadness they themselves still suffer from--there must be a change. I pray for a healing, and this healing only--ONLY--comes through a personal encounter with Jesus and the truth of God's Word. I have felt this so many times, and it is even more confirmed now, whatever we have to do to make a person safe, warm, fed, we need to do it, with the heart of God on our sleeve. We need to tuck them in covers and say this is Jesus with His arms around them, as Sweet Sleep does when they give beds to orphans. We need to rescue women who are numb and lost because of their current occupation of forced prostitution and like the International Justice Mission, give them spiritual mothers who can speak worth and promise into their lives again just like our mothers did. Damaged and broken people cause more damage and brokenness. They need Jesus, and in every blanket, every counseling session, every grain of rice, He can be clearly represented. World peace isn't coming...Jesus is coming! Until He does, I want to know Him well, and trust He will make us vessels for others to also know Him well...know Him so well that "all of a sudden they are unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory" (J.M. McMillan/2 Cor. 4:16-18)

I pray for us to have these things Immaculee wrote about: Such a deep understanding of God's personal relationship with us, deep enough to know all is well either in life or in death, deep enough to let go of this temporary life when the day comes. Such a deep understanding of Jesus's words on the cross, "Father, forgive them, they don't know what they are doing", deep enough to face people who have done things worse than rabid animals would and just plead with God to bring them to their knees in repentance so they could be saved from His wrath.

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Souls are so fragile. We have to love.

Just a Plain Rainy Day

I love the rain and the fact that I didn't have to go anywhere today! My day with the girls was pretty good. Yemi has been a little more screamy that usual, but she has just been tired I think. Selah did some great art work today and worked on her Hooked On Phonics. I did a bunch of paperwork organizing and cooked vegetables to puree so I can hide them in our food, and dishes and whatnot around the house. I am really praying to get to the bottom of this: I am having an array of weird health symptoms, and they seem kind of stress related sometimes, which really bothers me because I don't think I have any good reason to be stressed.

Anyway, for almost 2 weeks now (and actually off and on for a month before that), I have had this throat contraction/tight feeling called "cricopharyngeus spasm". It freaked me out at first because I had been working more on vocal stuff and I thought that maybe I had actually hurt my vocal cords. I gave it to the Lord and just tried to relax, because my voice, even just talking to my family, is a gift from the Lord and He is in control of it!

It has gotten a little better, but it is still there all of the time. From the research I've done, some doctors think it is related to reflux. This does run in my family, but I have never had any symptoms of reflux before (except for when I was pregnant). So, I'm taking some otc reflux meds, but nothing is changing, and I am having some other reflux symptoms like ear pain and tight chest, too. It's so weird! I'm praying it will just pass over and not come back. But there are the details on that situation!