Money, Possessions, and the Poor...Again

What was I thinking about at 2 a.m. that I just had to blog about? I actually think it was money, possessions, and the poor...that's it. I was reading in John before I went to bed, the passage about Jesus being anointed by sweet Mary and he says that baffling statement, "It's okay to waste this perfume on me, guys. You'll always have the poor with you to help, but today I want your focus on Me."

That used to baffle me, back when I sort of preached the gospel of "Ministry to the Poor and Equality with the Least of These is the Most Important Thing On Earth." I went through a time, when I was making my last CD actually, where I was learning what is most valuable, what we're really here for, and personally I was learning some lessons that I hope to have with me the rest of my life. I did need to sell and give away things that weren't necessities, I did need to make sure in my heart of hearts I was not leaning on material goods for my security and peace, and I did need to learn to see the least of these, the orphan, the child in the sex trade, as my family. Absolutely. I will never go back to a place of not knowing and not acting. I'm glad I learned how to be involved. In the unseen realm, we are involved through awareness, knowledge, specific prayer, and entering into grief with Jesus over these tragedies and letting Him evolve our hearts in the way He chooses. In the seen realm, there are physical sacrifices we can make to reach out and do what we would hope someone would do for us if we found ourselves in such circumstances. For every loss we choose for ourselves, someone else can gain. I pray I never lose this mindset. While it is not my fault that human trafficking and starvation exist, I believe my life should look different because they do.

However, the most important thing I learned was to make sure I know the most important thing. Jesus said many, many things and He meant them all. His ministry to the poor, the example of His life (having no place to lay His head, etc.), and His statement that when we serve the poor we are really serving Him, are proof enough that He was teaching us to care, love, give, and expend ourselves and our resources for others even if that means we go without. But as I am learning in my own life right now, He also taught us to put the correct value on things, to prioritize our hearts, souls, minds and strength toward Him. I learned the long and drawn out way that I must have one allegiance, and that allegiance is not to the work I can do for Jesus/the poor/youth, etc.. That is devalued in comparison to knowing Christ my Lord. Yes, we show our love for Him through obedience, but I believe intimacy is necessary for obedience to even begin and certainly for it also to continue. Our connection to Him cannot be an afterthought or a token group prayer before we head out to do some good deeds. Our connection to Him also isn't to make ourselves feel good and secure, like "God will bless whatever I put my hands to, because I have been sitting down to pray lately." Look at John 15, look at the stories involving Mary and Martha. Paul basically said, "Everything I have accomplished, even the good, I consider a waste in comparison to truly knowing Jesus Himself."

Keeping the Main Thing the main thing. It's easy to get ahead of ourselves. It's easy to look to productivity instead looking into the eyes of Jesus for our sense of worth, our sense of "I'm enough, I'm okay." If God lays on our hearts a desire to commune with the poor, or whoever, our route to doing that will begin (and stay) at one place: digging in deeper in our submissive relationship with Jesus and prizing it above every idea, every exciting possibility, every job or ministry opportunity, every success and every failure. I cannot tell you how hard it is for me to daily pull away and surrender this thing of "What I Wanted to Do for God." I lay it down to know Him, because I believe He told me to, and because I believe it is in actuality the ONLY way I can be of His service anyway. I trade it in to know Him, because I cannot serve two masters. I can't love and protect my identities, my (spiritual) reputation, my resume, and my potential if I'm going to pursue Him. I used to think loving and serving Him was these things...but I am learning their value and the separation that is necessary.

A Question and Some Thoughts

So...the big question for me these days is the big question of exactly one year ago: To homeschool next school year or not. I will skip a bunch of the details to simply say that I was feeling like the decision had been made for me. Jack is working 2nd shift, and even though he doesn't feel like this job is going to be his career, he will probably be there at least awhile. Long enough to bother getting on their insurance! :) Since no one is awake to take Selah to school (don't laugh and don't judge, I can't do it and Jack would only get 5 hours of sleep a night if he did it), and even worse since Selah wouldn't see Jack except for on the weekends, I felt the decision toward homeschooling had become set in stone. Then I spent some time with Jack this weekend and he thinks this summer is going to be our time to experiment with it.

I think homeschooling is a great thing for certain families. I've always thought I would do it, at least for some years, and I really respect those who do. I could spend this blog describing why I want to do it, but I'm sure you can guess those. So here are the reasons why I'm just not positive I can handle it.

1) I am fully aware of my "special needs". I have to sleep so much because of this dang sleep disorder and, just as the type of person that I am, I require pretty good amounts of stillness. I feel disconnected from myself in such a disturbing way when I am having to be "on" all the time. I need time every day of quiet, to journal and pray, to think things through, just to be. I am learning how to re-orient myself to God's presence in me in the midst of chaos, but it's still not enough. If I homeschool, I have sort of worked out a schedule that will allow me to have some time like this, but I will not be okay if I'm flustered and harried all day. That's just not functional and not how I want to be remembered by my kids anyway.

2) All of the hours left in the day. If we homeschool 2 to 4 hours a day, what do we do the rest of the day? Sure, I can figure out a lot of it, but this is a small house and while my kids can entertain themselves with toys and puzzles and what-not for a couple hours out of the day, I'm afraid we'll turn to TV if I'm too tired to take them out to play or go visit someone. Plus, they are such social little people, I do think they will get tired of being here and doing the same thing so many days a week. We'll have church, AWANA, gymnastics, and the library, plus playgrounds, the zoo, and field trips. Maybe we will form community there that will carry over beyond those actual places?

3) I believe, and have seen this year while Selah was in Kindergarten at Lincoln Trail, that absence makes the heart grow fonder! She appreciates her relationships at home, as well as her "stuff". She doesn't get bored because she's only here from 3 until 8 (bedtime) then weekends, and because that's only 5 hours a day we make it quality time. I cannot make 12 hours a day quality time.

So...here's how you can help me...those few of you still reading! A few questions you may be able to respond to?

*What can I expect Selah (6 years old, reading 2nd or 3rd grade level, major extrovert) to do on her own and for how long?

*How many times a day is it appropriate to say, "Okay, kids, go play quietly in your rooms for a little while?"

*How many days (for you homeschoolers) do you stay home completely?

*How much TV (pretty good stuff, like educational cartoons) is appropriate, in your opinion?

*How do you get your "sanity time" (if you feel like you need it)?

Thanks! Thanks for reading and letting me get all that out. This is my first chance at the computer in a long time! Hope to blog more regularly soon. :)

The Why and The How

I have been challenged lately by this ever growing thought: God is more concerned about why and how I do what I do, than simply what I do. There has got to be a clearer way to say that, but it's the best I can do after a long day!

Within obedience, within the realm of the priorities and callings, within the confines of the things He has put in our path or clearly is asking us to do right now, He is asking for more. And it's all for our good, a more abundant life, that He is doing so. He is saying, "Okay. Now You see I have put you there...in that family, in that marriage, with those kids, in that job, with that special circumstance. You're surrendered to Me, and I appreciate that. Now onto Phase Two. The "what" is answered; make sure you know the "why" (because you'll be blessed if you know, it gives it all a whole new meaning, even if the answer is just because He said so!) and make sure you pay attention to the "how" (again, you'll be blessed.)

Parenting. I'm not allowed to just do it. I have to let the Holy Spirit in me, the fragrance of Christ, lead my words, tones, actions. Gee whiz. I don't have that kind of patience and calm...but He does, and if I am dwelling with Him, in tune with Him, it will be there in reserve when I need it. Being a housewife. Making a CD. Praying for others. Caring about family, friends, and others around the world. He'll lead the way in regard to "what" I do...I used to care so much about the "what" that I would have given up a relationship with Him for a roadmap! Thank God He didn't allow that option.

My prayer and my challenge is: I want my heart and life to be honestly communing with Him in a way that will make the motives and actions and attitudes of my life all work together for His good pleasure. I long to see what it would look like for me to fully dwell, alive and awake, to His existence in me all the time. Only because of the blood, only because of the Spirit, only because of the fellowship of the Body of Christ is it possible, but it is possible. I think we trade a lot of things in for this. We swap this particular focus out for busyness and running around doing what someone told us we should be doing without ever knowing if it's what He said to do. And even if it is what He said to do, again, it is so easy to forget all about how we conduct ourselves while doing it.

Something Screwy

I am one of those kids who grew up going to church, reading my Bible at home, and learning how to have a "quiet time". My youth minister taught us how to spend time with God by ourselves, worshipping, confessing, learning, listening. I have always been a "journaler"; I have dozens of them in a box somewhere. But somewhere along the way, as much as these times with God truly meant to me, if I was too busy or if it sounded boring to go hang out with God or if I just wasn't in the mood to dive into anything serious or deep, I felt guilty. The part of me that likes sticker charts would get in high gear and I would try to make this spiritual discipline as disciplined as counting calories. My day was good (i.e. God was happy with me) if I had made that time for Him. Among other misconceptions of what God wanted from me, this was at the top of the list.

Then I heard someone say once, "We don't have to have time with God; we get to have time with God." That started a change in my perspective. Then one time later someone said to me, "You do realize that the Holy Spirit who lives in you is the equivalent of the man Jesus, right?" Yes, I knew...but did I? One of my spiritual mentors gave me a book or two by Madame Jeanne Guyon. It was specifically written for beginners in the Lord, and let me tell you it was right on my level if not higher. Again, I was learning about the constancy of this relationship that I had thought was already "so close".

And somewhere along the way it began to happen. I began to realize that none of this was sticker chart material at all. The Living God, as Jesus promised upon His ascension into Heaven, through the Holy Spirit, makes it so that I dwell with Him at all times. He will be as thick in my atmosphere as I will acknowledge that He already is. I need to meet with Him, to settle down and listen, to deeply drink and eat of His Word, to confess and intercede, to worship...He wants me and I want Him...but there is no set way it has to be done. It's just a constant turning of our hearts and minds.

He will be as thick in my atmosphere as I will acknowledge that He already is. What's screwy is that the enemy has planted the lie in some of us that God wants our work and performance more than just the simplicity of our awareness and appreciation that He is dwelling with us. When that awareness and appreciation happens, everything changes. Stickers no longer necessary.