Life and Death

There have been a lot of things lately that have taught me and challenged my beliefs in the area of suffering and especially in the area of death. The book by Mary Beth Chapman, music I had written coming back up in my life, a book about Brokenness, even a seemingly random newsletter from a missionary, all are driving home the point that the line we cross from earth to heaven when we die is so very thin. That space between is just...like a door of mist instead of this confusing and thick barrier I had imagined. I guess I'm just trying to say that Heaven feels closer than ever, and I feel like God wants me to understand just how transient, how able to move and pass through, we frail humans are. I feel like He wants me to grasp that it's okay, that it's normal, that it's not as much to grieve about as I think. We were destined for that all of a sudden passage, and in my mind I can absorb that with some sense of understanding and thankfulness, but the hard part is that we are only transient in one direction. We cannot so easily pass back.

That probably sounds ridiculous. But I can see why saying we are a vapor, a mist, makes complete sense. We are as real as water (we even are so much water!) but this is just our body for a while...not our Life. Our expectation of health and longevity only can be agreement with the Lord's expectation for so long...at some point our belief about all this, all we expected, even for our kids sometimes, breaks down. Again, I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but I think this is part of learning humility to accept and even accept joyfully that we are frail and destined to make that passage. I do imagine a river and I do see friends and family passing through it to the other side, and I do see a lot of joy. And I see that those of us remaining here on this side are not very far from them at all. Just a mist separating us.

I guess I really want to say that when the Lord takes me, I know that there will be some people who are sad but I pray that however I go, that everyone knows I was created to go and I'm not far at all. This time is just a prelude to our lives. We were really never meant to get so attached. Perhaps living in surrender (which should be our goal) is really God just preparing us for a life and theology not built by what we want all this to be about, but what it is all about.

So, one more thing to add to the list of God revealing frailty and the reality of us passing so easily from earth to heaven: Selah and I went to a funeral today for a family who is grieving the death of their tiny baby. She was 26 weeks in the womb. I only knew a couple of people there, but I just felt, "This is the family of God. These people are grieving with hope." It was very worshipful, giving God glory, thanking Him for everything humbly...and at the same time, there were lots of tears. What I saw was surrender, not pretending things were great, but trusting the Lord. I am convinced that is beautiful and priceless to Him. A girl sang a song about Heaven and how we'll just fall down and thank Jesus for the cross. YES! That's what this is all about. We can't only think about that at funerals. I am sensitive to Selah seeing too much sadness and death, but today it was fitting for her to go with me. Her friend was the older sister of the baby who had went to be with Jesus, and Selah and this little girl held hands and even held each other throughout the service. I feel like I watched the body of Christ in action, with Selah, the singer, the pastor, friends and family ministering...I was such a bystander and learner.

I am not always proud of the family of God or the body of Christ around me. I realize how that sounds, but I'm not always proud of myself as part of it either, that is for sure! Sometimes I feel like the North American "Christian" thing is not the "Christian" thing the persecuted church or rest of the Body worldwide experiences because we often find the wrong things to get busy doing or focus on. In fact, I think we are so wrong that even our right actions are just digging us out of a deep hole. MERCY. But I'll digress about that simply to say that TODAY I saw the family of God and the body of Christ right here in Elizabethtown, and it was beautiful. Dealing with bad news and grief is never what we would choose, but it is the reality of this world, promised in the Word, and God is THERE with them...and us, when it is our time of grief. We don't ask for opportunities like this so that God will come near, we just don't do that, it would be crazy; but nonetheless, He is near to the brokenhearted, so when we can't find Him, that might be where we should look, and so running scared from heartache might not be the position we should take! We have a security and excitement in life or in death...We have one thing that will be transient with us...Jesus. And if He is our One Thing here and now, we can see death in a different light.

So Much To Say...

Well, there is so much to write about and I need to be in bed in...oh dear...I need to have *been* in bed 13 minutes ago. Oops. Anyway, I just have to give the Lord thanks on this semi-public forum--

Yesterday he had an accident at GE; he was welding or cutting some steel, which was on a forklift, and a 500 lb piece of steel became unbalanced and fell from about 10 feet and hit him on the head. He was rushed to the hospital and we didn't know what was happening except that he was talking and conscious, but didn't know if it was a life threatening situation or not. Within about 30 minutes we found out it was not...and within about 3 hours, we were so blessed to find out that he didn't have any broken bones or internal bleeding, just a deep gash. A friend of my mom's had a word from the Lord before any of this information had come in (my mom had called and asked her to pray at a time when all we knew is that he had been rushed to the hospital). The word was, "It's okay, I sent my angels to soften the blow to his head." She did not know he had been hit in the head, none of us did at that time. But this is exactly what had happened. It was truly a miracle that he wasn't crushed or killed! We are in awe and so thankful for the Lord's protection, and we realize a little better, too, that God protects us from tragedy all of the time.

On another note, very randomly from this story, please pray for my little family! We really feel like God wants to do something new in and with us. We are seeking Him and studying Isaiah 58; that's the passage Jack preached from the evening he proposed, and it still fits the life we want to lead. I don't think we lead that life nearly as much or how I imagined, but we are putting ourselves in a posture to hear from the Lord. If that means we stay here and adopt more children, I would love that. If that means we go to a different mission field, that would be really great as well. Jack really would like to have, I guess I should even say needs, a new job; I, personally, am content here as I'm homeschooling and getting involved in some adoption groups, singing again, etc. But either way, discontent with a job or content with life here, that isn't reason to stay or go or whatever! We just want to know what the Lord wants. We want to hear His voice, His still small voice. Pray for us as we set aside time and availability to hear Him.

Last Christmas

I'm kinda thinking about not decorating this year for Christmas. For no reason except that I feel like I am always moving stuff around and cleaning and...yeah, that's not a good reason. Here are some pictures from last Christmas to maybe get me in the mood. Thought I'd reminisce (that was Word Girl's word of the day today)!

So we'll see. :)

Necessities?

I have a strong desire to live simply and for the most part, in a lot of my natural inclinations as well as actions, I do that. I do it for many reasons--some to be frugal, some to be more thankful for what I have, and some so that I can give more money to things other than me and those around me that already have basically everything a human could and should want!

Anyway though, my dear Mother who also lives simply and much more generously, said to me, "Lyn, I'm always buying stuff like shoes, tights, whatever the kids need. Do you and Jack need anything? If so, go get it and I'll pay you back." I wrote her back, "oh gosh, no, I don't need anything." But then I got to thinking about it...it was kind of like a door I never open...or rarely anyway. And so here's what I've ended up with.

Dress socks. Oh my goodness, I have never had a pair of dress socks in my life and rarely have I needed them, or so I thought. My, my shoes fit a lot nicer with dress socks. Ha! And glaring white doesn't stick out above my shoe when I cross a leg. :) I got a pair of sandals so that I can chuck ALL my flip flops. I'm in my 30's. I LOVE flip flops but the $3 variety has been hurting my back. They are brown and you will see them on my feet pretty much every day between May and October next year, unless I'm barefoot, which is even better. I also got a pair of warm fuzzy clogs that will make the winter truly more bearable. Oh, and some new underwear! I guess I did need some stuff, Mom.

Truly these things aren't necessities and I know it. Through my years of this journey of wanting to live in equality with the least of these, which OBVIOUSLY isn't happening, I have grown and learned and am not finished at all. In the process I've had to budge a little and find a balance so that my family doesn't go berserk. It's still on my heart though to absolutely revolt against the system of this world, or maybe just this country, because while I am grateful for what I have, I can't forget how weird it is that people all over the planet don't even have shelter and food. I'm not that smart, I'm not proposing that I know how to fix it, and I can't even point to what we're doing wrong. But somehow it's just wrong, simply because of the result of it. So, my blog is taking a downward turn right now--sorry about that!--but this is me, living in the middle of this thankfulness for my new pack of underwear and also wanting to lead a revolution for equality and seeing to it that WE will not be guilty of having too much while others have too little. Oh, Jesus, show us how to live out Your Kingdom here and if we're in too deep to be able to see our way out, shine a great big light!!!

One of the Best Days of My Life!

On Sunday, we celebrated. Whoa, did we celebrate! Eight people were baptized in our churches (I say churches because it was a joint service between Open House and The Bridge Community, both of which I dearly love). It meant so much to me for several reasons. Let me go ahead and count the ways...

1. Our daughter Selah decided to follow Jesus and was baptized! YAY! I have seen her grow so much while we have been homeschooling. Quantity time is her main love language, and I have seen her flourish under that in ways I couldn't have predicted. Also with the quantity time of homeschooling/not being busy outside of our home very much, we put our hearts and minds, therefore our attention and schedules, to spending time with the Lord. Since praying to receive Christ, she has quiet times and reads her Bible, as well as all the conversations, worship times, and Bible we do together. She shared her testimony (reading off of Post-It notes!) from the baptismal and it was just wonderful. The public thing wasn't the best way for her to show me that she gets it though; she topped it a couple hours later. We were laying on the bed together taking a short nap and she said, "Mom, sometimes in my quiet time, I say to Jesus, 'The precious blood, the precious blood. I know that's gross, but it's like a newborn baby, it comes out all gross, but it's beautiful and wonderful.'" It's all about the blood covering Jesus offers to us. There is so much more as she grows that she will understand and she will rededicate her life (I hope) a million times, because I certainly do...but she knew she needed Jesus to forgive her of her sins and she has yielded her life, attitude, wants, decisions, to Him. Every year that will evolve into more she is offering to Him, I pray. And in the same regard, every year will bring more that she can receive from Him!!!

2. My friend Loren was baptized and I got to share her testimony for her! She was a little shy to talk in front of everyone. I'm so excited and proud of her. She rededicated her life to the Lord just a couple of weeks ago in our small group; we walked through the Romans Road together because even though she has always believed in Jesus, which truly is enough, she had never had a specific time in her life where she called on Him and officially confessed with her mouth that He is her Lord and Savior. We called it her ammunition against Satan, who was causing her to question her salvation. Now she has a date where she made a profession and was baptized, and BY FAITH in God's Word, we know that the covenant has been made. As Selah said, "Our relationship with Jesus is like a knot that cannot be untied." Loren has made the decision to turn from specific sin that used to be in her life and live for the Lord, whatever He calls her to do. We will continue walking together and I'm excited about the younger Christian friends she is making. If anyone needs a girls college age small group in E-town, we have one!

3. It was one of the best days of my life because of what God taught me through the book I wrote about last week, Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. Her perspective on death, burial, and resurrection is life giving and hope filled. She describes someone dying and being buried as a seed being planted into the ground, and how when Jesus returns, our bodies will be raised imperishable--we will bloom and live with Him and each other forever. We are in winter now, in so many ways...but spring is coming. Jesus is going to come back, just as surely as Jesus Himself beat death and rose from the grave. We are in winter right now, in death or at least a deep freeze, in a time of waiting, a time of advent, kind of like the gap between Malachi and Matthew...As much of a positive and happy person as I am because of the joy of the Lord I cannot escape and don't want to escape the reality of the brutal world as it is right now. This is the season we're in. We have to make sense of it Biblically to the best of our ability. And part of that making sense of it is knowing that when we are "buried with Him in baptism", we die to our worldly way of viewing life in the flesh and we are "raised to walk in newness of life", meaning that now we are alive to the spirit. Our Life becomes hidden with Christ in God. Our life (lower case l on purpose) is what it is, and God is surely reigning over those details as well, but our Life (upper case!) is of the spirit, it's all about what we can't see. Therefore, yes, we need food to keep our bodies alive, and yes, God has things for our bodies to accomplish on this earth, but our spiritual life needs to be kept alive and our body's accomplishments will flow naturally without toil as our spiritual walk is our focus. We must be more attentive to the spirit than the flesh, and in that focus, both will thrive! In Heaven, we are spirit. To prepare for that, we must live as much in the spirit as possible.

Do I know what I'm talking about? Not totally! :) But praise the Lord for His Spirit that takes us deeper daily, as deep as we will choose to go.

Mary Beth's Book

Before I hand it back to my friend, I wanted to make sure I didn't miss writing about Mary Beth Chapman's book, Choosing To SEE. I picked it up and like any great book, I could not put it down. I think I read most of it standing up even, before I realized I was hooked and gave in to the cozy chair in my dining room.

Mary Beth and her husband, Steven Curtis, who I'm sure you've heard of if you've ever listened to a Christian radio station in your life, have lived through an incredible journey. She tells briefly of her life--marrying, seeing his career take off, having 3 children, and then adopting 3 little girls from China. Those stories are inspiring and I love their heart for adoption. Reading this book made me want to adopt again regardless of several sensible reasons I have to not adopt again, at least not at this time. They have also started two ministries, one of which personally affected our family. I'll never forget the day I got the letter saying we were receiving a HUGE grant for our adoption in 2008 from Shaohannah's Hope! This ministry helps Christians adopt, since finances are often an issue. Their other ministry is Maria's Big House, which is a home to many babies and children in China who have severe special needs and may never be adopted. (Just as a side note, I am learning that with governments slowing down what was already a slow process in regard to international adoptions, working with ministries who are on the ground in these countries helping orphans who will never be adopted is an extremely valuable ministry. I love that we grew our family through adoption and would do it again in a heartbeat, but sponsoring children, visiting them, and supporting ministries like the Chapmans have birthed, may be the path my fire is going to take...but I still want to be a mommy to more of them as well!)

So, the second half of the book is about the last 3 years of the Chapman's lives, and those are the most painful years and the most painful pages. She describes the days surrounding their daughter Maria's death; how this "sweet and sticky" 5 year old left this earth to meet Jesus; and what the Lord has done in this family's life since that tragic day that changed their whole world. Mary Beth talks about the community that surrounded them, that was an amazing picture painted. Something that really gripped me was that in their grief and loss, they really had to decide if they believed...if they believed in the reality of Heaven, if all this Jesus stuff was TRUE or not. Because if it was true, then yes, they could grieve with hope. They couldn't get stuck (and they didn't) in the place of "why"; they were so mature and humble to not stay there! Their hope was not in being able to ever understand. Their hope was set on the truth of the gospel, that Jesus was with Maria and that they would all be together again someday when this short life is over.

There are some miraculous events that happened to them as encouragements from the Lord. Little things that were just sweet of Him. One of my best friends has said to me after a tragic event in her life: "The Lord has been so sweet to me this week." It takes a lot of faith and humility before the Lord to say this, and these fellow sufferers have that in common. Suffering really does make us come face to face with what we believe, and face to face, eye to eye, with our Savior. None of us would choose suffering, but it's worth it...ouch...that hurts to even say that, but I know its true. He really has overcome the world, this world He promised would be full of trouble. The great news is that when we are surrendered to Him and not holding on to our way and our wants anymore, it is a win-win situation. Earth, Heaven, life, death. In all four, we have Jesus, if He is our everything. I believe this perspective is the key that so many believers carry--all around the world Christians are living in unimaginable realities, and have the peace of Christ.

The last thing I was left with:

The Chapmans believe that God has entrusted them with "hard" and they feel it is their responsibility to steward it well. That is astounding. And true. And a new thought to me! It is making me think in those terms..."What have I been entrusted with? How can I steward it well as unto the Lord?" This story is an ugly thing for their teenage son, Will, who was driving the car that hit Maria, to learn how to steward well. I'm sure he is saying, "Anything else, Lord, anything, but not this!" So, the seemingly good (talents, skills, spiritual gifts), the seemingly bad (our pasts, weaknesses, even sins we keep fighting), the seemingly pointless (difficulties or disabilities we personally face in relationships or jobs, stuff that is happening with our kids that we are just trying to get through), and even the seemingly ridiculous (quirks and weird stuff that God deposited in us that makes us us) are things we have been entrusted with and must decide to and learn to be good stewards of. No skeletons in no closets, friends! Nothing unusable. Hmm...

I recommend reading the book, even though it brought on a couple of speechless days and dream filled nights. While she tells the whole story of the accident, she doesn't dwell on that; she moves quickly and intently through the rest of the story. Anyone who has grieved will gain insight into their own pain through reading this book and those of us that have not experienced anything of this sort can truly benefit as well! I've said for a long time (as Martha Kilpatrick's personal puppet) that we MUST develop a theology for suffering! It's here and it's not going away; what does it mean and what do we do with it? This book shows a family who has developed their theology for suffering and millions are growing stronger in their faith as they steward their story well.

Ah...Breathing Again

I have no idea what I have learned from the past two or three weeks. It's just been weird and a blur and I would like to be able to say that I handled it well. Instead, I'm exhausted and just now beginning to resurface.

Okay, that may be a little overdramatic! But I am honest in saying that I have to look at my calendar to remember what happened!

So...it all started in an effort to be open minded. That was my first mistake, haha. Jack and I love the idea of moving and starting fresh somewhere; we love the idea of doing a ministry together; we are dreamers and adventurers and sometimes you get tired of talking and you say, "Let's do it! Why not now?"

We have looked at a couple opportunities, which interviews went pretty far, only to spend weeks praying, journaling, discussing until we're sick of talking, making pros and cons lists, and even making some preparations to move, seemingly for nothing. I had a hard time sleeping and my biggest regret is I had a hard time connecting with the Lord. I felt chaotic inside as these decisions were being worked through and I hated it; yet I wanted to be open minded enough to consider these changes, because they were opportunities that I really could see us doing someday and we both are kind of looking for a change. I couldn't say: "God is telling us to do this." But I shy away from saying that like I used to. Did God tell me to do Sister Bridge or make this CD? I don't know! I prayed for years about these things and the desire didn't leave and the opportunity came. Same with adoption, homeschooling, and many other things I've committed to.

So I'm breathing again because of the two things I was able to articulate with some of my students today with their help (the adult ones, haha! I don't usually verbally process to my elementary age piano kids!)

#1 I feel like I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready for a season change, that God is not asking me for a season change yet. Pursuing Him, focusing on my marriage and kids and home, is truly a full time job. I wasn't looking for more, and when "more" came knocking, it was not necessarily tempting, it was just that I wanted to make sure I wasn't being closed minded if it was the Lord. But I think, THINK, that God is saying if we move it needs to be for Jack's job/calling, not mine, because mine is non-negotiable right now. As much as I love missions, adoption, worship leading, singing/songwriting, etc., I can only do those things so much as they take their place in priority well under those other things I mentioned. I feel a peace in my spirit about that and am going with it!

#2 If I am wrong and I am just throwing away opportunities to do some neat stuff where the Lord would work past my limits and through my weaknesses, which I know for sure He CAN do, then I will simply miss out. I am choosing to take that risk. I know He sees my heart and my motives are pure, to the best of my knowledge. If I can't handle what other women handle in their schedules or hearts or minds, who cares? I have to live by MY limits, meaning when I get to the place where I am missing HIM in the fullness I could have Him in, and I am missing my husband and kids in the fullness I could offer to them, which happens to me often, then I have to take a big step back and make sure I am being faithful to the calling I have received. So, all that to say, I may be missing the mark big time, but if I am, I am doing it for Him. I just can't take the risk of missing what matters most.

It bothers me that during these days of decision making, I felt so distant and dizzy. Surely God didn't want me looking at anything or anyone but Him during these days...but I just couldn't think or see straight. Hope God has mercy on my pitiful self when I really do have to make a big life change! :)

But for the time being, whether we move or not is uncertain, but I do know I am not open to anything that would feel like it was a stumbling block to that which I refuse to lose in the shuffle. I heard the quote somewhere that when your priorities are clear, your decisions are easy. Wish I would have remembered that 2 weeks ago.