Time and Other Things That Fly!

I really can't believe it.

One year ago I was boarding a plane. Like all international adventures I had set out on, there were lots of forms to fill out; lots of wondering about things like "will the airline have our reservation?" and "am I really leaving tonight?"; and lots of jet-lag, zombie-like fatigue as we bounced from airport lobby to airport lobby. There was one thing different one year ago though. I was not alone as I most always was in travels of the past. Jack and I traveled to Ethiopia as a pair and came back as a trio.

A very small, very wide eyed, very dependent little 14 pound 8 and a half month old baby girl was in our arms. 16 hour flight. A little bit of sleep, a little bit of crying, quite a lot of staring at the seat in front of us and thinking, "Will this ever end? Was that seriously only just 5 minutes that passed since the last time I looked?" And I'll just go ahead and say it, because it was such an ordeal for all of us adopting parents on the plane, there was a lot of poo! My word! Those poor little bellies, and poor little mommies trying to clean it up in the 1 sq. ft. bathrooms.

Jack took care of it a couple times, and once, when he had to change her clothes because of the major blow-out, he put the yucky diaper in one bag and her equally yucky outfit in another bag. ONE of these bags I held onto in my backpack all the way back to my bathroom in Kentucky, because I wanted to wash it and pretend such things had never occurred! However, when I emptied this bag into my sink, you guessed it...I had carried home a disgusting soiled bag of poo. The outfit? In some airline garbage bin.

(The following pictures are of Yemi's room in the orphanage, shared by about a dozen babies. The woman was one of her nannies, Susanna.)

But alas, moving on...we made it. We arrived at the airport on April 25th to a boatload of people, tears in their eyes; it was obvious they had been praying us home. What a group effort the journey to Yemi had been! That's exactly what I hoped it would be. I think it changed many of us along the way...our world view, our openness to different races and cultures, it taught us perseverance, and gave us to hold in our very hands and hearts one of the precious jewels of Africa.

For a million reasons, I'm so glad God led us to adopt. I admit, I'm also glad it's over! But there is no length I wouldn't have traveled to bring her home. She is my daughter; heart of my heart. My second born. Connected for life by our brown eyes that meet adoringly.

Teaching Lessons

So today was my last day of teaching lessons. It's really bizarre how I've been praying about this for a year, but it still seems like it happened all of a sudden. Last year with Yemi coming (exactly one year ago, April 25th) I had sort of secretly hoped I would not continue working for much longer. I only taught piano, voice, and beginning guitar one day a week though, and truly enjoyed it, so it wasn't a big deal to keep going.

Then in September of last year I started having more intense problems with my sleep disorder/fatigue weirdness thing, and my throat and voice became specifically under attack. It was really odd; I still don't know what is going on, but I can't sing much and my throat feels very tight and clenched. A bit alarming. I am going to have a scope done on May 3rd and we'll see if there is something there; if not, it could be the sleeping meds I take causing the problem. That would be the best possibility out there at this point, and of course my prayer is for God's healing, and that I would not need those nasty things ever again!

I love my students. Some I had been teaching for the past 4 years, and have seen them grow up before my very eyes. I am really proud of each of them! My favorite thing is to teach students how to sing and play their instruments at the same time, work on song writing, and develop their own artistry. I also really enjoy teaching theory, which I snuck in there any chance I had. I enjoyed helping my voice students be true to their own voice, and communicate a message well. It is such a privilege to spend one-on-one time with young people; it's a real honor. I think all of our conversations, laughter, and of course time learning music has been beneficial and worshipful. I may not be able to stay away for long!

Am I Crazy to Be Homeschooling?

Today is one of those days I would gladly send Selah Jordan Taylor away on a big yellow school bus. No tears, no sentimental moments thinking about how sad it is for her to be out of the house 8 hours a day. But most days of the week, I don't feel this way. Most days, I feel like there is nothing else I'd rather be doing and no one else I'd rather invest in than my two daughters, and that very sentence has led me down the path to the rather controversial decision to homeschool. ----------------------------------------------------- Everyone has an opinion, but making a decision that WE can live with is really all that matters in the end. Will I always go back and forth wondering if I'm doing the right thing? Am I correct in believing that Selah will have much different habits, attitudes, and values if I have more time with her than public schoolteachers? Will I be creative and enthusiastic and motivated enough for this to be a good experience? If I am not healed, how can I do this? If I am not healed, how can I NOT do this? ----------------------------------------------------- Selah and I enjoyed this year of home school preschool. She is so advanced she could probably fit right into first grade this coming fall. It has been genuinely quality time that I would not have had with her since Yemi has joined the family. I am positive she will learn a wider and deeper range of information on more important (in my book!) subjects if I home school, and I am positive she will feel close and special to me as well. She will have plenty of interaction with friends through church, sports, AWANA, small group, etc., and we will be less busy as a family because so much can get done during the day time--these are two very important aspects of life to me. SO...may the Lord's will be done. Pray for me!

Long Time No See

I've thoroughly and completely loved and squeezed the life out of spring these past 2 weeks. It has been glorious! You will not catch me complaining of the heat or allergies, because I don't even care! It's felt too good to be true. I'm not a "crier", but it has brought me to tears several times to see the world (and me!) come alive again!

This winter I began comparing the coming spring to Jesus's return. Not necessarily on purpose, it was just that parallels kept coming to my mind. Some days I looked outside to the cold grey wetness and realized it was taking faith to believe spring would come, just like I see the burdens of the world stretched out ahead of me and behind me, making it hard to believe all this could be washed and new and beautiful ever ever ever again. Sure, spring comes every year, just like we've been told since childhood that Jesus was coming back, but you do begin to wonder. Then all of a sudden (just as He will come, as a thief in the night!), we could go out without our coats, and not only without our coats but in shorts! The little feeble plants of last summer had long been deep and covered in the ground; all I saw was death and remains when I looked at those flower beds! And then, just as the dead in Christ shall rise, in rich, colorful coats these frail plants of last season popped out of the dirt and screamed, "YES! It is time!!!" They are beautiful and brand new, and so shall we be. Those who have suffered in the name of Jesus, those who have obeyed to the end, will wear their white robes, and I don't know the half of it, but the day will come when our hearts truly don't have a care in the world. The time of toil and waiting and even faith will be over, and we'll stroll. (When was the last time you strolled?) What was dead, He will make alive. What was sick, He will heal. What was dark, He will lighten. What was long and hard and brutal and sad, He will deliver! Spring came, and so shall He!

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us NEW BIRTH into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never spoil or fade-kept in Heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time." 1 Peter 1:3-5

March Already?

So...time sure flies by when you spend every few weeks in bed sick! Gee whiz.

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I'm excited because I'm going to a new doctor tomorrow; she's all about wholeness and natural remedies, getting to the root of the issue, and not taking a prescription drug for every little problem (opposite of my past doctors!) I am sure hoping that the Lord uses her to put some puzzle pieces in and share some wisdom on anything I can learn or do to feel better more often.

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I'm supposed to be writing about quiet times lately, and I haven't done it! I can't even remember what I wrote last time...But anyway, I think today I'll just say a few things I do during or as my quiet time that are strengthening, connecting, and perhaps a little different.

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-getting in a hot bubble bath and praying through a Voice of the Martyrs or World Vision magazine (these are so valuable for global intercession; keeps me from saying, "Lord, bless Africa" and nothing specific.)

-prayer walking (walking and praying! pretty easy!)

-turning on ihop.org (prayer room) or a worship CD and singing/praying along

-listen to a podcast or message by Martha Kilpatrick, Shelley Hundley, other teachers from ihop

-prayer nap (I don't go to sleep, but I just lay down and rest and let the Holy Spirit lead my prayers completely. He always takes me to places I wouldn't have went if I had been sitting up, more in control of that time.)

-reading and then meditating and/or journaling. Some GREAT books are Adoration by Martha Kilpatrick, 100 Days in the Secret Place compiled by Gene Edwards, Streams in the Desert compiled by Mrs. Charles Spurgeon, and of course, most of all, the Bible! When I read a book, I usually journal through it or write notes along the side so that I make the most of the information personally.

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Just some thoughts...God is definitely longing for us to draw near, or at least realize HE is drawing near! I long to be faithful to come to Him.

quiet???

Quiet times? Is there any such thing as quiet...at this stage of life...in this home? With a coughing husband, a small echoing thin walled squeaky floored house, a baby wanting to get up from a nap, and a daughter who refuses to understand the rule to stay in her room during this hour, this hour which we recognize every single day??? The four o'clock hour. This is my only hour alone. I am a creative introvert, and I require lots of quiet and free space to think...otherwise, I feel a little crazy and if someone asks me a simple question, I go, "Uh...um...huh?" So, this one tiny hour. I need like 5 of them. And God is, in His sweet love for me, asking me to spend it with Him. He always rewards those who seek Him. (I desire to be more faithful!)

I think one of the hardest parts of having this time with God is staying focused during it. Sometimes having a plan isn't as unspiritual and uncreative as one might think! I learned ACTS a long time ago. It's a good way to get focused in His presence really; adoring Him --confessing sin--thanking Him (specifically)--supplication (laying before Him your needs and others). A plan for Bible study isn't a bad idea either, instead of just jumping in a new book every day. Reading through a book of the Bible, going slow and meditating and memorizing and letting it sink in, is wonderful. If there's something I don't understand or am not getting anything new from it, I just go on. We are taking in truth; we can't go wrong! Sometimes I journal everything about this prayer time, actually writing out my adoration, confession, thanks, and supplication, and sometimes I just write down a couple things He showed me during it. Another thing that usually helps is that if my mind wanders to something totally random, I will actually pray about that thing, even if it's a TV show, I'll pray for the people in it or whatever. One time I sensed the enemy's aggravation when I did this, so I keep doing it!! If what comes to your mind is a to-do list, put an actual to-do list next to your quiet time spot and write down what comes to mind so you won't forget it.

The last thing in regard to mind wandering/weakness of mind and heart during quiet time is that when we spend this time with God, we aren't always going to walk away with our faces shining like Moses. We shouldn't feel bad or empty if we took in His word, prayed for who He brought to our mind, and praised Him but didn't walk away changed and glorious and exuberant. This is faith. And this is a relationship. So, if our mind is a little "off" during our time with Him and there was no real click, I truly believe He will bless us anyway. There have been so many times God didn't show me during my quiet time what sin was in my life, but then a day later when I'm doing the dishes, He reveals it to me. I may hear nothing when I am listening for it, but then out of the blue when I am least expecting it, He speaks. That helps us to know it is Him many times. He is with us beyond the quiet time, but this hour (or whatever amount) dedicated to Him tells Him something special and opens a door for Him into the other hours of our day.

Reese Bars from the Lunch Ladies Recipe

1 box powdered sugar

2 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs

1 cup butter

6 oz. package of chocolate chips or chocolate almond bark

1 1/4 cups peanut butter

Combine sugar, butter, and peanut butter.

Add graham cracker crumbs and mix well.

Press out in 9x13 pan. Melt chocolate and spread over top.

Let cool 1 hour, cut in pieces, then cool in refrigerator.

It comes out of the pan much better when cold.

Humbling!!

Ha! So this is a totally humbling experience!

Last week, I blogged about quiet times and I don't think I've had a single one since then! There were a couple times I just made the choice to do something else, because I felt overwhelmed by that thing and had no other time to do it. Sometimes I made the choice to do something else because I wanted to have fun and not think. But most days of this week, I could not even tell you what I was doing! I have no idea whatsoever! I didn't go anywhere until the weekend, but just being busy at home...wow...it chewed me up and spit me out!

I'm hoping for a good week with the Lord. I'm hoping for the ability to concentrate and breathe and be still with Him, in a good hour with Him every day, with good friends who love Him, and just throughout the day whatever I may be doing for my family. That would be an incredible week!

Quiet Times

I wanted to write a little bit today about my quiet times. I have been encouraged lately by friends who have said they remember me always having my prayer/worship/Bible study time, even if it didn't seem like I got anything done that day. That utterly blessed my heart, this encouragement, because ever since I truly gave my heart and soul to the Lord in 1991, communing with Him every day (that I am willing and able) has been a major priority. I forget sometimes where I have been with the Lord and it is encouraging to see this "quiet time" thing be a thread running through my life since I was 13 years old ! There have been seasons where I struggled with it, but through middle school, high school, college, missions, marriage, and raising kids, the Lord has been my Rock and Best Friend. Especially in difficult times, or on the mission field, I felt He was calling me to more time alone with Him than usual, and it was very sweet to sit with Him for those hours. It's a privilege. For me, spending time with Him alone nourishes me and focuses me...then by His grace and strength, I can hopefully be more like Him and stay in an awareness of worship throughout the day. Those quiet times keep me connected to His heartbeat; I want to know what is on the Father's heart and He lets us in if we'll just come. For the next few blogs, I'm going to share what I do in my quiet times, and maybe pass along an idea or two that could spur on your walk with the Lord.

stillness

So, in my life for the past few years, there has been a calling toward stillness. I had been a busy bee before Selah came, in ministry, missions, friends, music...And lately, even though I have this relationship with the Lord that is my absolute source of wisdom and my deepest root of truth, I've let the confusion and opinion of man seep in. Eventually after dealing with it for a few months now, I've been reminded that it doesn't matter what the common or popular teaching is right now...I am under the Lord's authority and cannot let my simple calling in life be replaced by these opinions and these things people are saying we should put first. It's like I keep hearing all about these outward things a Christian is supposed to do, but rarely about the inward things. My word from the Lord is that my inward secret place with Him must be thriving, and if I focus on that, any outward thing He wants for me to do will happen by His power and to His glory. I cannot put my focus on the external outward list of deeds I am doing for Him, the list of ways I am being used; God-forbid that I would ever be so focused on myself again! When I am focused on Him and our connection in the unseen, I can trust He is at work in me and through me, without trying to quantify it. There is freedom in putting first things first, and there is not room for more firsts! There is only One.

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I am a simple person who can really only hold to one simple truth, and this is it!

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"Now God has one eternal purpose concerning us, and that is that we should be like His Son and in order that this may be so, we must be passive. We hear so much about activity, may be we need to know what it is to be quiet." (Feb. 5th, Streams in the Desert)

The Joy of the Lord

This will be quick today...

I am tired of struggling! Internally, externally, I am ready to give up AGAIN! My anxiousness, or the busyness of my mind I could say, is fixed on just wanting my life to work. I want to be well, I want to be able to do the things God has put in my life to do, I want to sleep and wake up rested, I want to stop feeling disappointed and disappointing. I am past wanting to do more than just take care of my family, home, and personal life...well, most days anyway...I really just want to get up and have a normal life, which to me means fitting in the most important things and a couple fun extras without all this struggle!

Anyway, so "the joy of the Lord is my strength". I heard somebody mention this and explain it in a new way, and I was thinking about it more...The joy of the Lord (His delight in me, His happiness in me, His NON-disappoint in me) is my strength. When someone important is not frustrated with you, even when you are frustrated with yourself, you gain a little strength. As frustrated as I am with sickness and tiredness and constant struggle to be a decent wife, mom, friend, daughter, granddaughter, minister (we are all ministers!), He isn't frustrated. He will fulfill His purposes in the midst of this, not when it is over. Now. In the middle. Here I am, Lord, in the middle!

The Picture

Last night, the Lord spoke to me once again through Selah.

I had been rocking Yemi before bed, and I got a little emotional, thinking about some things in regard to Selah when she was a baby. I was thinking about the things I didn't get right, and the struggles I still have, the wisdom I still search for. I was feeling really insecure for a few moments about how I had spent these almost 5 years of motherhood...You moms may understand (?)...

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Anyway, after a little while, I was putting Selah to bed, and she said, "Mom, every night before I fall asleep, I look at that picture." (It's a picture of me holding Selah when she was 6 weeks old.) Then she said, "It makes me wonder when I'll go to heaven, and that maybe it'll be today!" I thought that was a little strange, and said, "Why would that picture make you think about that?" She said, "Because when I look at it, I see God holding me and loving me when I was a baby, and I see God holding you and loving YOU when I was a baby, too. It makes me so happy, I just want to stand on my bed, and raise my hands as high as I can, and praise the Lord!"

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Thank you, Lord, how could I ask for more? What else matters but that You are holding us and loving us? Fears and doubts can settle down, goals and plans can take their lower priority: Just as Selah was at rest in my arms in that picture, I am at rest in His arms. It's nice to remember that I am Someone's little child! I keep trying to be more than that.

Abortion

This may or may not make sense, but for me, this tragedy in Haiti has made me think and pray more about abortion. These are certainly not new thoughts, but the abortion issue is about so much more than the 2 sides debating between it being a woman's choice to decide what happens to her body and feeling that taking away life in the womb is indeed murder. I've just been struck lately with what happens when a person, or a group, or a country decrees something to be good or at the least acceptable, though this something takes away a life.

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When we do this, and I say "we" because "we" are citizens of a country who is doing this exact thing, we think we have solved a problem by helping out desperate women who aren't ready to be mothers (but were ready to have sex, except in rare situations). We think we are helping them and empowering them, but really we're giving them a right they were never supposed to have: the right to end a life. Taking on this right has serious consequences before the Lord; just believing you have this right in the first place, whether you act on it or not, is devastating to the soul. It puts us in a position we were never supposed to be in, where we actually consider that ending a heartbeat is a viable choice for US to make. How terrifying to know that humans are in this position, in many countries. We've tried to take one of God's jobs (the giving and taking of life) into our own feeble hands, and instead of lifting us up to a divine position, it has lowered us to the position of savages.

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When I think of the deceased citizens of Haiti being thrown into dumpsters by huge bulldozers, because they don't know any other way to clear out the wreckage and death, I think of how precious each of those people were to their family, friends, and God. I think of how horrible we would feel in America if that earthquake had happened here, and it was our family members' bodies being thrown in a mass grave--no time for a funeral, no gravestone to mark their place in history. And then I think of the mass grave we have thrown our children in since abortion became legal in this country. How carelessly we have decided who gets to live and who doesn't. What we say is alright, we do. And what we do is what we become. When I think of this, it is hard to breathe the air and walk the ground of this country. I don't want to have any part of it. I don't want to experience our freedoms if it means I partake in a society not just where this audacity occasionally happens, but where it is legally acceptable. I don't ask the Lord for mercy for us. I do ask for Him to show us any way possible that those of us against this can take a stand. I want to die standing for the right thing; I want to be on the right side when it's all over. Shutting up about it in order to not offend anyone is not taking a side at all; may we be prayerful and courageous.

Tragic

This week, our hearts have been heavy and our minds have been in turmoil over the earthquake in Haiti. It's something I can't watch on television, because I already have enough mental images in my mind to make me weep and pray as often as I have a moment to do so. I'm praying for the orphans with waiting families, that they would be united, and I'm so excited that in several U.S. cities, this has happened! I'm praying for orphans; that the Haitian government, and the U.S. government would make quick and wise decisions toward their well-being, possibly making the U.S. a place for fostering and adopting in a fewer-step, less-money process. I'm praying for the people who are homeless, lost from their families, mourning loved ones; I'm praying for the people who are seeing so much death, such as in Rwanda's holocaust, that they will need to be taught once again that we are all precious human beings, created in the image of God, made for better than this. I'm praying for God to rise and show compassion, for miracles, for His hands and feet on mission there, and most of all, for His Presence to be there.

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Sacked by the Quarterback

This is a song I wrote last month about learning some humility. I cannot even explain how slow and thick my brain (and I guess my heart as well) seems to be! It's hard for me to sit back and accept whatever challenges come my way; I want to figure them out, fix them, and quickly move on. God is teaching me this: My place is not up, fighting. My place is down, trusting. So opposite of how I thought I'd live my life; I may not have even obeyed if I wasn't simply forced to the ground!

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Sacked By the Quarterback (2009)

I know that this isn't what people want to hear, but you see I'm falling here

One minute standing then out went the lights

Is nobody else crashing down on this battlefield it's whirling around me still

little birdies and stars in the skies

Chorus: Well, now that I am down, I guess I'll sing this song

all that I've tried is wrong, and all my fight is gone

Now that I've been sacked by the quarterback

here's my new strategy, I'm taking time to see how much I need You.

Verse 2: Some people stop when they see they're about to flop but I hold on 'til I drop

Mixing faith with my own stubborn dreams

Trying to stand so tall, trying to do it all, forgetting the root of me

is here in the ground, with my face to Your feet,

oh this gracious defeat, I can breath in relief,

I am chased to my knees once again, I am chased to my knees once again..

This Week

There are so many things I'd like to blog about. Like ten different subjects! But I am just going to talk about my week. And I am going to try to keep my blogs to 3 paragraphs. Can I do it? Is it possible?

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A friend of mine and I were talking at the beginning of the week, and to make a long story short, I just feel this great longing to be known by the people closest to me. In my mind, there is this community that exists of loved ones from the school years through college through churches through missions through now...and I don't feel very connected to them! My life is at home for this season. A lot of my community happens online. I want to be known and I really and truly want to know what is going on in the actual heart and soul of my loved ones. Wonder if blogs can help accomplish this? Or an old-fashioned phone call would work, too. It helps to just know what it is I'm trying to achieve by putting up pictures online, doing facebook, writing blogs, or even putting songs up on youtube. I want to give to others what I'd love to receive from them: a little taste of heart and mind.

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Anyway, I'm on my third paragraph now so I'll make it quick! This week has been pretty good; after the total train wreck that Christmas was for me, I slapped myself into the schedule that I knew would get us closer to sanity. I am extremely tired and if I didn't have kids, I would be in bed all day, so that is a bummer. But I feel a sustaining from the Lord as I follow through with this schedule and do the basics He has laid on my heart for me and my family. I have been soaking in more of His Word, thoroughly enjoying home school with Selah, feeding my family nutritiously, playing and getting lots of hugs and kisses from Yemi, and getting in bed early each night. I am extremely blessed.

God's Faithfulness to Yemi

So, in this next to last chapter of our marriage journey I am going to talk about our adoption. I felt blessed the entire time we were in the adoption process, because we were actually doing it! We were done discussing or praying for the right time, and that was an awesome feeling. After getting Yemi's referral in Dec. 08, we had a court date set in February, and we hoped to bring her home in March or early April! But we had some more testing of our faith to endure...of course!

At the end of January, we received our second picture of Yemi. She was about 6 months old and had lost weight since her 4 month picture and weigh in. She looked very frail, and we questioned it 4 times but the adoption agency said everything was fine. Then in February, literally in one week, the following things happened.

So, the events of that week in February:

*Adoption agency said we and the other families who shared the same court date would need a miracle to pass court the first time because of a paperwork mishap. We all prayed and fasted, and God decided to move in an awesome way...for every single family except us. There was an additional problem with paperwork (not on our end) that couldn't be solved quickly enough. I remember that phone call, and I remember the Lord saying immediately," Will you choose to be offended by Me or will you choose faith?" You know, I have spent my whole life trying to live a life of faith, and be involved in things that challenge me to do that, but in that moment I knew that pleasing Him with my faith wasn't so much about my actions but my reactions.

*In that same week, I can't remember if it was right before or right after the court date, we got an email from our agency saying that the babies in our orphanage had not been getting food "for some time." We had sensed something was wrong because of the picture of Yemi in January, and now our worst fears were coming to life. 2 babies in this orphanage had died that year before the parents could come rescue them. So, directly after this email, the families started a big formula drive, and a week later, 2 people were in the air with hundreds of pounds of formula. It's confusing to explain, but I'll just say that actually by the time we got that email, UNICEF had already started to give Plumpy'Nut to the babies and the children were already gaining weight and much better. We found out once we were actually in Ethiopia that the nurse during January and February was terrible, and finally quit. When she was replaced, the new nurse saved 9 babies' lives by seeing the babies were not thriving and getting them what they needed. If you ever have a chance to watch this video and give to World Vision/Plumpy'Nut, do it. It is for real. We got a new picture of Yemi at the very end of February, and she looked good as gold. Praise the Lord!

It was awesome to go to Ethiopia and see this journey come to an end, although I would happily do it again. It had been a time to hang onto the Lord, see into reality that we would have never been forced to see otherwise, and join in the kingdom work of making the least of these family! I will write another time about prophetic words and scriptures the Lord gave during the journey, and His faithfulness to the present, as she is a healthy, chubby, happy, smart 17 month old running around as I type this!

Our Marriage Journey; D.C. & Adoption Years

This last bit has been hard to write! I've shared really honestly about the difficulties and surprises of several periods of our lives, and this last segment (2007-2009) has probably topped them all (in regard to difficulties and surprises).

I guess to start it all off I have to say that I still don't know or understand what is going on! I have learned to let go and move on, trusting that the Lord is faithful if not altogether weird and completely nonlinear. He doesn't put puzzle pieces together like the picture on my box says to! He has His own thing going on. I wish He could see that if He doesn't give me a clue I can't possibly help Him! (Hope you know that was totally tongue in cheek.)

There is some truth brewing in my heart about people from the Bible who tried to do things the way God was telling them to--like Moses when he went through all of that with Pharoah, instead of it being a quick and easy task to free the Israelites--like Paul, when he kept getting thrown in prison or shipwrecked when he was supposed to be preaching to the Gentiles--It's like we search and search (when we're young anyway) to find out what potential or calling we have toward a certain area of serving God, and once we know it and set out to do it, He makes it nearly impossible. We go out with God on our side, and what good does it seem to do us? There is something to this.

Through the youth ministry of the Bridge since 2004, we were spending time with young guys and girls all the time, and Jack's God-sized dream of Diverse City miraculously came to life in the Summer of 2007. We opened in a store in the Towne Mall, and were a safe place for kids to play video games, eat, hang out, have music lessons and Bible Study, and honestly just come to find adults who wanted to listen and "sit a spell". We knew this was reaching students who were not going to come to church, and it was built on relationships, not activities where kids remain unknown and unnamed. This may be another blog in itself, but I struggle with living in Kentucky (vs. overseas) because I see many local ministries (especially ones within one church, like not in cooperation with others) with so much money and support poured into them and they never take a look back to see that they aren't meeting true needs. They are just able to say they have this ministry...But Diverse City was not like that.

Also, in the fall of 2007, we started our adoption as if our lives weren't crazy enough with a bunch of kids at church and the Mall! It was so exciting to finally get started after all my research and longing and tears over the orphan crisis in Ethiopia. 12% of Ethiopia's citizens are orphans under 13 years old! We mailed in our applications on Oct. 31, 2007 & officially began waiting in January, 2008. Selah was 2 and a half years old, we practically lived at Diverse City, and we would soon have a new baby girl in our family!

In Spring of 2008, some things changed that started a downward spiral for Diverse City. It was pretty hurtful and we hoped for a miracle...but it didn't come. It was hard to see other ministries get started and everyone get excited about them, when this amazing opportunity was passing us by. We closed our doors around Christmas, and that space is still empty. That death was really hard for Jack, and it was a hard death for me, too. This wasn't the first time we had done our best to live out "His strength is perfect in our weakness", only to (dare I say it?) be disappointed at how our limits and inadequacies shone brighter than the noonday sun. On a very personal note, it makes it hard to get excited about "stuff for God". The good news about this is that sometimes in ministry you can get TOO excited about stuff for God and forget God; what a tragedy it would be to fly high in ministry but be grounded in the ditch relationally with Him. It happens.

On into the Summer and Fall of 2008, we were also getting pretty antsy about waiting for a referral for our baby girl. We were told a wait of 2-5 months. We waited 11. But Dec. 2nd, we received the referral of Yemi Abigail! It was wonderful and we had so many people supporting us in so many ways! The journey was far from over and I don't know if we got a single good night of sleep from February to April 21st, 2009...

But I actually better save that story for another blog! Thanks for reading this far!

Ah, New Years

New Years has always been a big deal to me. I'm big on focus and simplicity.

Here are my basic thoughts...

*I want to live surrendered, at the foot of Christ, enjoying Him, and not getting all freaked out about making everything happen. No day is a waste if I'm here, in my heart. (Mary, John 11 & 12)

*I want to use my spiritual gifts until Jesus returns: encouraging, giving, intercession, missions, mercy. I don't want to look around and see if anyone gives me a thumbs up. i'm tired of that! I want to use my gifts for the Lord! (Col. 3:23)

*My marriage is going to get better every week! (Eph. 5:1)

*Raising up the girls in the truth and happy heart of the Lord; I want them to know Him intimately, not just about Him. Meeting more christian friends will be wonderful for them; praying about groups they will join.

*This year, we decide on Selah's elementary education, or at least the first year of it. Lots of research and prayer there!

*This year, I feel like I need to realize the clues when I am getting exhausted and stay very flexible regardless of who is inconvenienced. Lots of discipline required here, which is difficult in itself but gets much harder when I'm tired.

*We want to work on our house, since we are always, always here! For 8 years, we've really disliked some things and some were just gross (carpet where 4 dogs, um, lived.) I was the queen of the "only buy what you must have because we need to practice equality with our global neighbors" parade, and we have changed very little about the house. But, although I still feel the same way as i did during my "reign" as queen, I never fully got an answer from God about what to do in regard to this situation of living in "The United Excess of America" except "be still and know Me, and live by the Spirit. Do what you CAN do, don't worry about what you can't." Didn't get those specific rules I was hoping for. But through the process my heart got where He wanted it to be. So, I don't see things in such black and white, wrong and right anymore; I just sort of feel what we can do and what we can't do. What we can give and what we can't. It is not monetized or written law. It's harder this way, and I bet you I'm not even halfway correct in the way I'm living. But that balance will ALWAYS be a tight rope I'm conscious of walking.

So, there's my upcoming year--or at least what I think I'll be spending it on. Cheers!

Christmas

Remember that holiday when Selah woke Jack up early on Christmas morning, and instead of saying, "Daddy, let's get up and open presents!", she says, "Daddy, daddy, wake up! I have a booger the size of an acorn in my nose! But thankfully, I have big --what are these called?--oh a nostril---Thankfully I have a big nostril and the ability to get it out."

Remember that Christmas when Selah tackled Granmere in her exuberant joy and thankfulness for her presents? Ah, the memory of 50 faces in utter terror and silence; but my (80 year old with knee problems) Granmere didn't officially fall down...she was just a little in shock. Thankfully she likes kids with a little spunk.

Remember that year when Yemi threw a fit throughout the beautiful reading of Luke Chapter 2 on Christmas Eve? Somehow 75 of my family members, along with their babies of all ages, are quiet and calm for these few precious moments...but not mine. This is always my daughters' moment to either get in the middle of the room and dance (making everyone laugh instead of be reverent) OR embarrass me with their outrageous super sonic loudness. An aunt on one side says, "It's okay, let her play"; an aunt on the other side gives me the evil eye. What to do, what to do?

Remember watching The Muppets sing the "12 Days of Christmas" with Jimmy Fallon, and Sesame Street's manger scene clip, and laughing our heads off together at Bert's hay fever and baby Natasha crawling? Remember watching Santa Clause 2 & 3 about 2 or 3 times more than we would have liked? Every day?

Well, this was not yester year my friends. It was this past week.

And to end on a personal note, I also remember eating too much sugar cookie dough and getting that icky feeling but not learning my lesson. I remember eating peanut butter balls in bed. Okay, that's a lie. I literally do not remember it, thanks to ambien, but I am told by a reliable source that it happened. I remember losing it completely during one of Yemi's tantrums because I was missing bedtime. Her's, mine, and both of ours, and everybody elses in the world; bedtimes were missed.

But I also remember Christmas morning sleepy eyes and flannel pj's and reclaiming bits of papers from a certain toddler's mouth and seeing a 4 year old Princess receive a few more things to charge her imagination...and possibly her vanity. Oops. I remember a joy and relief deep down, knowing that all four of us were home for Christmas for the first time. It is easy to give thanks...

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. More to come about Marriage Step 4 next. :)

Jack & Lyn, Part 3

SO...the next part of my and Jack's 9 years together involves a little bit of everything. It was a crazy bunch of years, from 2002-2006. We had moved into the great gift of our home (given as inheritance from Jack's family), with a sweet little dog named Lily. I was working at Lifeway, which I really liked. I was the stockroom manager and music section person; I loved helping people find stuff, praying with people in the store, and tidying up. Little did I know I would be doing SO much of that tidying up at home in the years to come! Jack worked probably 4 or 5 jobs during these 3 years; he was pretty creative and tried it all! He worked at a tree farm, a boys home, a lumber company, a printing press, plus we did a Lifeway camp (M-FUGE) in Jacksonville one summer. I'll tell you, this was the beginning of being very disappointed in our career/degree choice from college. I was a Christian Social Ministries major, because I loved the nations and was positive that I would be an international missionary. It never occurred to me that I needed a skill other than talking to people about Jesus and singing songs. Jack was an Educational Ministries major, because he was then and has been for years an excellent, silly, much-loved youth minister. He felt he would always be on staff doing ministry, either in a para-church capacity or something creative along those lines. He is incredible at dreaming up and starting things; he's also great with a video camera and sees things others don't see in photography. It seemed so simple to us back in college. We would use these natural giftings for the rest of our lives and it would be great. But after just a few years into the game, it began to feel like we were only trained for this tiny margin of work, most of which did not pay enough to live on...most of which wanted you to work full time for part time pay. As much as I wanted to be on the mission field, I was struggling with my health here in the good ol' safe and healthy U.S.A. and it just felt impossible. We had seen enough of church staff to wonder how we could "go there" again. We were wondering if we needed to go back to school or what! We chose "or what". Probably not the best choice!

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But then in January of 2004 we met people who were starting the Bridge. That was a really fun year of servant evangelism projects, house worship, and getting to know an amazing core of church-planters-in-training. We were involved in everything! In September of 2004, two cool things happened while I was doing mission work in Panama for about a month. Our church began a partnership with a great little church plant in a poor neighborhood and I found out I was pregnant. I will never forget that time! Such great memories. Eventually, that partnership sort of ebbed away after their last visit here in 2006, but some good relationships were made. I can't wait to go back and visit, both the city and the island of Mamitupu, where I slept in hammocks and drank orange soda out of a billion times recycled bottles with my friends lovingly called "the sisters". Oh, and as for being pregnant, Jack and I had not been planning or trying...but it was a great surprise! I had a wonderful pregnancy, and in June 2005, our life was rock and rolled by Selah Jordan Taylor.

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That same month, two other things happened in our lives. Bad news first: Jack had to be scheduled for surgery on his spine. Having a newborn while this was going on was very difficult. I've been scaring my friends for years, telling them stories of how tired I was Selah's first 6 months and how terribly demanding it was to have a baby. But the fact is, if you don't have a sleep disorder or a husband who literally cannot get out of the recliner, it's not that big of a deal! And I can't forget about the good news: Jack's volunteer position with the youth at the Bridge turned into a paid, full time gig. I also worked with the youth girls a lot, and continued to (try to) plan global focus services and events. For the rest of 2005 and 2006, our lives completely revolved around Selah and the life of the church. Next, we discuss the "diverse city & adoption years". Stay tuned. :)

How We Fell in L.O.V.E

I'll backtrack a little, before the whole "first church, scary dog" phase. Jack and I met when we were in college; the first week he was on campus as a freshman to be exact. He was really the cutest thing, and he knew it. He had on this striped rainbow colored shirt, bell bottom jeans, and a train engineer's hat. He was loud and funny, and already had lots of girls giggling and wanting to hang out on Stapp Lawn with him. I wasn't impressed because I was a sophomore and my thoughts were: "Um, hello, we have studying to do, and you're a goof-off." But slowly my thoughts, as they always do, went to: "Um, actually, let's goof off!" So, we did. We had a blast, but I knew after our first "date" he was too silly for me. He would have been bored with me, honestly.

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So, for the next three years of my college career, Jack and I were very close friends. We saw each other through relationships, both good and bad. Jack was always the guy I could count on. He would take me to Wal-mart (I didn't have a car), cheer me up when I was lonely, and help explain stuff from math class to me. We were truly brother and sister. There are so many funny stories, but all so very incriminating!

Fast forward through my Senior Year, onto the summer after. Jack was a youth minister at a church near my parent's house, and he asked me to start the youth praise band at his church. So all summer, my great friend Jack insisted on picking me up for church. We had a ton of fun with his youth and the other workers; then I spent several months in China that fall while Jack went back to college. The only person I really wanted to call when I had the chance was Jack. Suspicious, right? At different times for over 6 months, Jack and I both recognized that we had feelings for each other, but we didn't say much. (I felt so mature, not just blabbing my feelings instantly like I had done with others in the past!)

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But then the day of blabbing came. At Joanna's apartment in Campbellsville, a bunch of best friends were together because I was leaving for Africa in 2 weeks. Lots of my guy & girl friends were there, people I still love so much and had such good times with. I knew, sitting there with all these friends, that things would be changing. We might not even all be in the same room ever again. I wondered how I would live without those people in my daily life. College had really spoiled me; I had the best friends in the world to do everything with and that next stage of life maybe wasn't going to be able to include them. But looking across that room, I saw Jack, and I felt so strongly that he was the one person I couldn't bear to not come with me into the future. So, I got up off the couch, walked across the room, and squeezed myself right next to him. We talked all night. I still went to Africa, but we got engaged 6 months later when I was home recovering from surgery. I went back to Africa, but health problems sent me home after just 5 more months...then 8 weeks later, on New Years Day 2001, we were married!

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Observing Our Anniversary

This weekend Jack and I are "observing" our Anniversary, which is actually on January 1st. We just take the babysitters when they are available! We have been married almost 9 years...in love for 10 1/2! It is amazing how times goes by. I would say it flies, but I'm not sure it does honestly. I am thinking through each phase we have been through in our marriage, and some of them sorta dragged on I must say!

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When we got married, we lived in a parsonage next to our first church, where I was the secretary and music minister and he was the youth pastor and associate pastor. Jack and I bonded a lot there because after the pastor resigned, we literally had our Monday morning staff meetings in bed. There were many great things about this season of our lives, and some difficult ones of course. I had just come home from Africa and was starting to struggle with a sleep disorder that would take years to diagnose. Jack was putting up with a wife who thought cheese, crackers and grapes were a lovely meal. Then all of a sudden, a new pastor came in and to accommodate his family, we literally packed all night, throwing our stuff in big black garbage bags so that the house would be ready for him the next day or so. After about 6 months of working with him, we realized we should have thrown ourselves in the big black garbage bags and quickly moved through the night. One more thing about this time: Buster. Buster the man eating dog who barked all night long contributing to my eternal sleep problems. Buster. Never in my life have I contemplated murder except in scenarios involving barking dogs! I once had this burnt bowl of chili I was throwing out to him (he was on a leash one foot from my carport), and I seriously considered poisoning it. But I didn't. I promise.

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Okay, so this blog just got us through phase one of our marriage. I'm sensing a series coming on.

Lights and Shadows

"Oh but this year is different, for you and for me

our own little miracle on our own little street

never before have I loved silent night so

but now that you're here by my side

baby it is, baby it is, it really is a wonderful life."

This year really is different, and better! We have our girls, safe and sound, enjoying the Christmas season together at home. It is such a relief that our adoption process is over, and Yemi Taylor, right now as I type, is asleep in her crib in our very house! Selah is at a lovely age for Christmas, taking in each and every experience as if it were a miracle. It is a joy to do things with her and give gifts to her, because she appreciates it all so much. I used to sing a song all the time called "How Could I Ask For More?" by Cindy Morgan, and that's how I feel with this family God has given us. Lighting candles, the sparkling tree, singing every Christmas song and watching every Christmas movie...we started early to fit it all in. It's been a good season already, with lots of time together, which is the best part!

But to be honest, (because what is a blog for if you can't be honest, right?) I'm taking all this in, every day, and sometimes I am terrible at living in the moment. I think about some things I would like changed way too much, like about our house or certain situations; I think about how much I don't want the kids to grow up, how sad that will be. I think about feeling like a failure in some other areas of my life that can't be attended to right now. Ultimately, I'm not at rest in what God has given me in the present way too often and I think it's because of fear. I'm afraid that these health issues I've been facing are going to ruin the beauty and privilege of this time; that Jack and I will get in some kind of rut that keeps our family from achieving all God has for us; I'm afraid of things changing before I'm ready.

I have to remember He will be there with me when all these things and people I love so much are no longer with me in the same way they are today. He is with me now, in the ideal days and in the crappy days. He will be with me then. I have to draw near to the everlasting light, my hope for yesterday, today, and tomorrow...who does not change like shifting shadows or fade in and out through time. His love is all I need.

Today at the Nursing Home

Today, Selah, Yemi, Grandma, Grandad, and I went to the nursing home. It was very fun and super funny. I set up my guitar and music, while Grandma was holding Yemi (who was screaming bloody murder of course), and Selah was out mingling with the residents, pretending with little giggles that she could understand what they were saying. Grandma had worn her Christmas sweater and everything, but she had to miss the concert...Yemi HAD to be escorted away. There were people visibly in pain from her screaming. I was one of them.

So, I get to singing some fun Christmas songs, and there is no microphone or anything. I'm singing as loud as I can, and one woman yells out, "Can anyone hear her?" and no one replies. Grandad rolls this woman's wheelchair so close to me that, literally, her shoe gets stuck under my music stand. In the middle of "What Child is This?", right as she was coughing really hard (on me), I had to stop the song and free her foot. Also, about 10 steps away from us, the 25 second long, as loud as Yemi (or the tornado siren, whatever) buzzer went off when any one in the hallway walked out the door. There were a lot of men working on the plumbing, electricity, etc. today. A lot. They liked that particular exit. They never learned how to punch in the code. I could have said or sang anything for those 25 seconds, as I was bleeped out so nicely!

We ended up doing "Count Your Blessings (Instead of Sheep)" three times, because more people kept coming in wanting to know if Selah was going to sing. Although she did a nice job singing, Selah (4 1/2 years old) is banned from future small concerts, because she kept interrupting me in the middle of songs! One time, she went over to a sweet lady in her wheelchair and they started having this loud conversation. All I could hear was "What's your name, little girl?" at least 7x in a row, and Selah kept saying, "What? I don't understand you." It was like, let's get this woman to stop singing so we can talk. (Hmm...I've felt that way before, too. Totally understandable.) Then, during "The Light of God" after I had asked Selah to sit next to me quietly, she interrupted me to say, "Mom, this is boring. Can I play the piano?" Needless to say, there was no McDonald's lunch reward this afternoon.

Anyway, these are funny things, but it really was a good time! I gave somebody an excellent nap, and my friend Mr. Cofer could hear every word and truly enjoyed it. We all sang nice and loud for Jingle Bells, We Wish You a Merry Christmas, and Silent Night, and everyone said it got them in the Christmas mood. And lastly, when our hour was up, Selah went around saying to everyone, "I hope you really enjoyed my mommy's songs. Don't you just think she is the best? Didn't you love her songs?? I hope you liked us."

Very memorable singing day. I'll do it again soon. :)

Top Ten Things I Learned in Nashville

Some new song writing friends and I got together in Nashville this past weekend, and I wanted to share some thoughts about what I learned in a Top Ten List:

#10 Every girl should keep having slumber parties. Rah Rah, sisters!

#9 Co-writing is awesome! I never knew!

#8 I have been extremely blessed to have such generous, humble, and talented friends to work with here in Elizabethtown.

#7 I CAN drive in Nashville & GPS's are so very fun. Even if they don't "moo", which is preferable.

#6 Pancake Pantry is worth the line. Even though we got to skip.

#5 I want to keep making CDs; just probably not there...

#4 To enjoy being independent. I won't question again if I'm supposed to be a staff writer or go after a record deal. I know enough to know now that these are not congruent with my...everything.

#3 Personal goals need to be set, and kept in front of my face. I can't please everybody, but I can know if I've been true to my calling.

#2 When on a fun weekend with friends, always say YES!

#1 Saying "yes" leads to things like singing at Ginny Owen's concert! Video still to come!

Super Weekend!

This weekend was so much fun! First, my mom took Yemi home with her on Friday, and while I missed her, it was really great to be able to leave the doors open, Selah's toys out on the floor, and have a little more peace and quiet than usual. (My children are extremely loud anyway, but when they are together, it is just insane.) Then, Friday night, I got to sing again! My church, the Bridge Community, has some amazing musicians. They did a concert and I got to be involved this year. It was the first time I have ever attempted to sing without my lyric sheets, and it truly was a brave attempt. Not a success, but an attempt. I wish I had video of how my brain froze in the middle of a verse, because it would have been a good laugh later. Anyway, it was with good friends, and I had a blast being able to be so comfortable!

Then on Saturday, I sang all afternoon at a Christmas Marketplace at a church in TN. This was so fun, because I got to see precious friends from college, and got to sing through my entire Christmas repertoire almost twice. (I sang off and on for 5 hours!) Okay, now the surprise enters the story: Ginny Owens came to see me sing! She has become a friend over the past 6 months, after being in her online song writing class early this past summer. I couldn't believe she came, and it was really fun to get to sing to her. She has been one of my favorite singers and songwriters for YEARS; she is just amazing. Then, after my singing, another friend and I got to go with her to one of her events. I admire her so much for her life and perseverance and ministry, and now I admire her for the kind of person I have found out that she is!

Better

I am so thankful to be feeling BETTER! Life has pretty much gotten back to normal in the past week, and I am ready to be involved in things at church, friendships, and extended family again! Also, I'm working out some dates to sing Christmas Music! So far, I'm singing at a nursing home, a "Merry Marketplace" event, a house concert, a store in beautiful Glendale...

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If you see more on Facebook or email about my new songs or concerts, I am really just trying to dip my toes back in the water! It feels very weird to have a fan page or ask people to pass it on to others; or to promote my music, thinking people might be interested in what I have to share. It's hard to get out there! But when I feel that way, like "why am I bothering to do this?", I remember that God gave me these songs and voice and desire to share, just like He has given each of us our part to give and be in the Body of Christ.

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Especially in concerts starting in 2010, I really want to look into opportunities to reach the people God is wanting me to reach. I guess in the past I have just waited for concerts or churches to sing at, but now I want to look for opportunities like women's ministry, women's correctional facilities/homes, nursing homes, college and youth age girl's bible studies. I want to share info about partnering with global organizations like IJM, and connect our churches to the believers around the world in much different circumstances...

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When I ask people to share my music, or give it as a gift, or "be my fan on facebook", my heart is to get a song (that encouraged my close friends) out to people I haven't met yet.

Threading Together the Decades!

Through Facebook, I have gotten in touch with some wonderful old friends. There is something so relieving about old friends. It's like they know that part of your life that they shared with you, and we share that memory without having to explain it. They also remind us of who we have been at different decades of our lives!

I have felt so disconnected these past 5 years or so with the idea of "who I used to be." My years at home with my parents, being a teenager in youth group and high school, college and missions and dating, Africa, marriage without kids, starting a church plant with amazing people, marriage with kids, now...They are these huge chunks of my life, with a set of different friends, different woes, different joys. When I see friends from these stages of life, I'm so happy but I also really miss when we were together more. I miss the things I used to do that made me "me", and I miss having free time to just think, hang out, talk about non-deep, silly stuff, and laugh!

I think I'm realizing three things:

1) I have got to make time for friends, old and new. It is difficult, and I don't know how to do it, but I must! Girls just wanna have fun!

2) I have got to do things that start to thread together the decades of "Lyn". I used to love to stay up late writing songs, scrapbooking, writing cards to people, reading full books in one night. I could watch romantic comedies for three days straight, eat tons of pizza and candy, and go for a walk outside for 2 hours to make myself feel better, kind of holding my stomach to see if I had added on inches yet. I love icees from the gas station, and looking around at clothes stores for shirts for $2.50. Musicals. Road trips. Girlfriends.

3) Becoming an adult has been a shocker of a transition. I spent SO much time as a child and teenager and college student thinking about what I would be when I grew up, who I would marry, what wonderful contributions I would make to the world. Seriously, I wish I would have believed the people who told me to just be a kid. To enjoy the innocent naivete of having no idea how much my parents were paying for my health insurance, my food, or the roof over my head wherever I roamed. To enjoy the masses of time I had on my hands to write hilarious poems about boys that we hated and collage my entire bedroom wall. Since becoming an adult, there have been disappointments that rock my world, and especially the world of my good friends, and I don't remember much of that from my first 20 years.

Broken Is Not Popular

"It is when a beautiful grain of corn is broken up in the earth by death, that its inner heart sprouts forth and bears hundreds of other grains. And thus, on and on, through all history, and all biography, and all vegetation, and all spiritual life, God must have broken things.

Those who are broken in wealth and broken in self-will, and broken in their ambitions, and broken in their beautiful ideals, and broken in worldly reputation, and broken in their affections, and broken ofttimes in health; those who are despised and seem utterly forlorn and helpless, the Holy Ghost is seizing upon, and using for God's glory." (Streams in the Desert, Oct. 15)

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Wow. I am thankful for the way this is so clearly written by an aged, in brokenness and surrender no doubt, saint. I can't claim to understand how it works; I can't even see if it is working in my own life! But it spurs me on to know that this place of surrender, this place of agreeing with God about all things He has allowed, is wonderful and is leading toward something good.

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I feel like it isn't popular to be in this place...I mean, I feel like it isn't popular to be in this place among many Christians. I often feel this pressure to be healed, to be changed, to see a miracle; I feel like people are begging or even demanding God for something for me, and fighting an enemy that may or may not be bringing a particular burden. When I used to pray like this, I was only left with discouragement and even confusion. I have probably left people feeling that way before, too.

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None of our opinions are going to be thoroughly correct, we can count on that! We act on the truth we believe. The truth I believe, at this point, is that God is walking through this life with us, and as we are dwelling with Him--knowing His Word, relying on other believers, having an intimate connection with Him, praying as He leads us to-- His will is going to be done. I really don't believe there are any special words I need to say to make things happen. There are some absolute things He wants for us that are scriptural; they are ours in Christ Jesus! We do have to claim what is ours at times. But there are other things and other times when submitting to affliction or looking past what we wanted to another possibility, learning contentment and joy, is the best gift He could give. It's hard because we need discernment! We don't always know what to pray, so we ask the Holy Spirit! But I feel challenged to make sure what I am asking from God submits to the possibility of His will taking a very different direction than I was believing for...

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Such a challenge.

Tonight

We went to see some family and friends on our early halloween. I'm not a big halloween person, but it is fun to see the kids dress up! Selah was the Little Mermaid, when she gets married; Yemi was a little lady bug. :) Had to share the pic!

My Fam

I love my fam. Not getting to be with them a lot the past week, because I was in bed, and this really crazy dream I had the other night both have made me SO thankful for the privilege of being in this family! Jack is wonderful. He really is my best friend, beside Jesus. My daughters are unique, beautiful, and hilarious. I'm so glad this is what God has chosen for me for this season. May it last long!

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A little update on health: I have been sleeping about 12-14 hours a night, and hoping that will make me better; at the same time, I am hoping in the Lord that I will not continue to need that amount of sleep, as I have in the past. I'm just praying mostly for wisdom and direction. I've been in this place before, of wishing I had a great doctor who wouldn't be guessing but would just KNOW what was going on. I just want to hear, "Oh, yes, these symptoms...Totally, I've seen them all together before! Here's what we'll do." Even if no one could fix it, there is just something about knowing. In the midst of it all, though, I feel a peace and thankfulness in my spirit. My life is very easy and simple, nothing much going on; I don't have a career or anything that even takes me out of my home often. While I am feeling disconnected from church (sigh), I can only do what I can do. I am way past wondering how many people think I'm a total weirdo recluse. :) (I love you, I miss you, come hang out with us!)

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Yesterday I got to romp around in Autumn at Bernheim Forest for a couple of hours! It is a good thing I did, too. Today, about half of our leaves are on the ground, and it was like a beautiful rain forest outside. I love living in the woods! And did I say how much I love my family?

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His Love is Mightier than our Lack

I've been thinking a lot this week, spurred on by time in the Word and some others books...and it's nothing brilliant, nothing creative, but just truth! I just feel so thankful and at peace because of how much God loves us, and so frustrated with how many times I have made things complicated and confusing with Him. He is just overflowing with grace and love and intimate favor for us. He hears our needs; He is with us. He is more patient with us than any human ever has been. Walking with Him is not boring or guilt-provoking or a mountainous climb to finally get at a "good place" with Him...or at least it doesn't have to be. He simply loves us and wants us to acknowledge the goodness of His presence...and His power alone changes and benefits us, not our efforts. I'm just thinking, how about if we make this whole thing about Him and who He wants to be to us, instead of us and what screw ups we must look like to Him (which we don't, we just think that!)?

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Today I posted on Facebook, as my status, something like, "I wonder when we started to freak out about our relationship with God, when He is just trying to love us?" Life is complicated and hard, but He is to be a Refuge, not another difficulty! He is a Fortress, not another warrior out to break us down.

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We will not be overcomers now or in the end because we got lucky breaks from God and He allowed us to have great success in our finances and health and relationships. We will be overcomers because we knew the world would always have trouble and we decided to abide safely in Him in the midst of it. His love is mighty enough to let us just do that one thing: Abide.

For Me and My Friends Whose Bodies Are Not Cooperating

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though our outer man is decaying (exactly!), our inner man is being renewed day by day. For our momentary, light affliction (say what?) is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal. For we know that if the earthly tent which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 & 5:1

Love

I haven't been feeling well. I already have a sleep disorder that has caused huge adjustments and limitations to my life. But now I've been sick for about 2 months on top of that, so I'm in bed and having other people take care of me and my household. It stinks and I don't understand it. However...I want to share a few thoughts on this topic, things I have been learning and truth I have been trying to walk in. Emphasis on the word "trying"!

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In all the difficulties I have had with my health since coming home from Africa in 2001, He has led me to surrender what I thought my life would be like, and be able to enjoy what life really IS like, hand in hand with Him. Over the years, I've been learning to trust that all of the things I would rather be doing (if circumstances were different) He obviously doesn't want me to do. I find a lot of peace in that. I used to think that sickness or difficulty were like waves coming against me, keeping me from getting anywhere in His will for my life, and that made me so mad because I wanted to please God with all I could do for Him. I'd pray against these things over and over, do spiritual warfare, believe I was healed and start trying to live normally. (These are certainly not bad ideas!!!) But deep down, I wasn't upset because I was sick. I was upset because I was being held back from showing God how much I loved Him. I was worthless in my own eyes because I couldn't "do" anything, but then...

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I loved it when God told me that even if I was in a coma I could still fulfill His purpose for my life. That He would not be disappointed if I didn't lift another finger for Him. Everything I was doing on the outside, in the physical realm, was just extra...just a day job. This changed my life, the day I chose to believe this! It is such a special promise. To God, knowing Him and dwelling with Him, praising Him and trusting Him, this is the essence of Life. We expect so much out of ourselves, perhaps because we think that is what God is after. But He's not. He's after our hearts. He wants us to know Him deeply and not care about knowing or having or accomplishing anything else. As this happens, He clarifies and simplifies our lives down to the few things He wants us to be doing in the physical realm. Then as we obey, we are full of joy and fruit in our work, but we don't feel pressure to achieve anything. We don't weigh our worth based on our fruit; we are already complete in Him. He shows us how to love our neighbor after we learn to love Him with all of our heart, mind, soul, and strength. These commands may be equals, but there is a first among equals here.

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Whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, we can have joy and encouragement in the midst of it if we stop and sit at the Lord's feet for a while. If we can acknowledge that He is doing something in this mess, and if we decide to trust Him, then we shake hands with God and tell Him we are ready to go through whatever He wants us to go through. Ultimately, never failing, He is working on bringing us deeper with Him than anyone has ever dared to go! Until we believe that this intention of His is the sweetest blessing ever, we will be angry about what He has allowed into our lives. He is good. He gives good gifts. He gave Himself once and for all, and He keeps giving more to anyone who will turn their eyes and be satisfied with Him alone.

Isaiah 40:31/Matt. 6:33/Matt 22:37

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A Little More about Immaculee

One of the things that really stands out to me in Immaculee's story (in the book, Left to Tell) is how she found God as a refuge in the midst of the storm instead of choosing to question and rage against Him. One of my favorite images is when she and the other women who are hiding in that tiny bathroom put their Bibles on their heads when they hear their attackers coming. First of all, to know all that they carried away from their homes in the terror of the night was the clothes on their back and their Bible is especially meaningful. But then, to cling to it and hold it over their heads for protection...all they could do was hold up His Word, and hide under it. Immaculee says that the greatest tragedy for so many of the survivors of the Rwandan genocide is that they lost their faith, and because they could not believe anymore, they were left with absolutely nothing.

This is a crossroads we will all come to at some point; we either have already or we will. Do we have faith when the opposite of everything we believe God will do for us happens? When push comes to shove, do we believe He is good and trustworthy despite the situation we or our loved ones are in? In the small things, like getting sick at an inopportune time or missing an important appointment, do we say, "Why, God?" Will Jesus find faith on the earth when He returns, or will He find people demanding He come through on their requests? Will He find humble faith or will He find us relying on anything else that we can find for comfort, security, and solutions?

It's so scary to live by faith in God and His Word. It just looks so dumb! It looks so childish, even superstitious. It feels like we haven't progressed very far if we are surrendering everything to a God we can't see, to a God who keeps allowing suffering when it is widespread belief that He is powerful enough to stop it. It looks wimpy or even lazy, to leave things in God's hands and not fight to the death. We seem brainwashed when we say, "I will always love this God, no matter what He allows to come my way; His love is all I need." It just doesn't fit the culture these days to cling to a verse of Scripture that makes no sense to others but brings utter peace to our souls. Lord, give us a mature faith that blesses Your heart when You see it. You are worthy of it. Help us!

I think it is a gift when God allows us opportunities to choose this kind of faith.

Left to Tell by Immaculee Ilabagiza

Well, I just finished this book by Immaculee Ilabagiza. She is a young woman, actually about my age I guess, who miraculously survived the mass murder of the Tutsi people of Rwanda in 1994. Her story is difficult, but beautiful. I encourage you to read it, for many reasons. Understanding what happened in this holocaust is important, but on a spiritual level, there are things we need to learn from her about faith in suffering. Her story is a modern day example of how you can lose everything, and at that point be given a chance to understand more of the Bible and more of an intimacy with God than you ever would have in a land of safety and plenty.

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There were times in reading this book I was shaking with rage, as I learned more details than I could really bear to know. And that rage is really what this book was about; it was about how generations of hatred live on, with lies whispered into their ears, rumors of blame. There is so much need in Africa, and so the cycle begins: There is suffering for a multitude of reasons, then many of those in suffering are so mad that they learn to hate the people they think are responsible for their lack, then after years of the lies (or maybe its true, maybe certain people like their government are responsible for their suffering) they believe those people aren't even people. And when we believe someone else isn't an equal human being, we ourselves stop acting as decent human beings. As generations carry these grievances, all started by satan who lives for this confusion and hatred and slaughter, thousands of people have the capability to cross their front lawn to kill their neighbors--all in an effort to have more jobs or food or security or safety for themselves--and this is part of the story of how the Rwandan Holocaust happened.

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In my heart, (which as I said felt a lot of rage in reading this book) and in the hearts of those survivors and their children and their children who will walk the ground of Rwanda, or Germany, or even the United States,--who will continue to visit graves, who will still live in terror sometimes at the evil on the earth, who will possibly teach their children the same fear and self-reliance and sadness they themselves still suffer from--there must be a change. I pray for a healing, and this healing only--ONLY--comes through a personal encounter with Jesus and the truth of God's Word. I have felt this so many times, and it is even more confirmed now, whatever we have to do to make a person safe, warm, fed, we need to do it, with the heart of God on our sleeve. We need to tuck them in covers and say this is Jesus with His arms around them, as Sweet Sleep does when they give beds to orphans. We need to rescue women who are numb and lost because of their current occupation of forced prostitution and like the International Justice Mission, give them spiritual mothers who can speak worth and promise into their lives again just like our mothers did. Damaged and broken people cause more damage and brokenness. They need Jesus, and in every blanket, every counseling session, every grain of rice, He can be clearly represented. World peace isn't coming...Jesus is coming! Until He does, I want to know Him well, and trust He will make us vessels for others to also know Him well...know Him so well that "all of a sudden they are unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory" (J.M. McMillan/2 Cor. 4:16-18)

I pray for us to have these things Immaculee wrote about: Such a deep understanding of God's personal relationship with us, deep enough to know all is well either in life or in death, deep enough to let go of this temporary life when the day comes. Such a deep understanding of Jesus's words on the cross, "Father, forgive them, they don't know what they are doing", deep enough to face people who have done things worse than rabid animals would and just plead with God to bring them to their knees in repentance so they could be saved from His wrath.

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Souls are so fragile. We have to love.

Just a Plain Rainy Day

I love the rain and the fact that I didn't have to go anywhere today! My day with the girls was pretty good. Yemi has been a little more screamy that usual, but she has just been tired I think. Selah did some great art work today and worked on her Hooked On Phonics. I did a bunch of paperwork organizing and cooked vegetables to puree so I can hide them in our food, and dishes and whatnot around the house. I am really praying to get to the bottom of this: I am having an array of weird health symptoms, and they seem kind of stress related sometimes, which really bothers me because I don't think I have any good reason to be stressed.

Anyway, for almost 2 weeks now (and actually off and on for a month before that), I have had this throat contraction/tight feeling called "cricopharyngeus spasm". It freaked me out at first because I had been working more on vocal stuff and I thought that maybe I had actually hurt my vocal cords. I gave it to the Lord and just tried to relax, because my voice, even just talking to my family, is a gift from the Lord and He is in control of it!

It has gotten a little better, but it is still there all of the time. From the research I've done, some doctors think it is related to reflux. This does run in my family, but I have never had any symptoms of reflux before (except for when I was pregnant). So, I'm taking some otc reflux meds, but nothing is changing, and I am having some other reflux symptoms like ear pain and tight chest, too. It's so weird! I'm praying it will just pass over and not come back. But there are the details on that situation!

So Long!

Well, I am officially a terrible blogger. Too much to do!

We had an incredible summer, and though I am still hanging on to it, I have to admit the fall weather has been fun already. Getting on a jacket, making some chili, pumpkin patch day coming up...

I would post new pictures, I have some great ones!!!! But my iPhoto and a few other muy importante programs on my computer are on the fritz or the blink or whatever you call it when you can't use them.

Life is definitely different with two kids! Jack and I both have very full, long days between our home life and work. I don't sit down. I have to work hard to stay organized in order to make it all fit together without one of us screaming. And yet, there is always at least one of us screaming anyway! Whenever things start to get complicated, we really try to sit back and simplify because time just goes too fast. We aren't involved in thing right now actually, because we genuinely are doing our best in our home and work and there isn't much time or energy left...especially since the girls are in bed around 8 p.m. now!

I'm praying and thinking a bit more about music these days...I've been really encouraged lately in my singing and song writing, and I want to wait on God's timing (and also the timing of reality, because how I could I do more than I am doing?), but I feel like I am preparing to get back in the swing of performing again. I love that form of communication and feel blessed to have had it in the past. Maybe it will come back up again.

One idea I have is to do a little Holiday Tour this November and December. I have worked up about an hour of Christmas songs, a little over half on guitar and the rest on piano. They are a mixture of Mindy Smith, Sara Groves, Sarah McLachlan, my own (I just wrote a new Christmas song last week, too!), and traditionals. So...maybe in the next week or so I can start to see if there's any interest in me coming out and playing at anyone's holiday events, coffeehouses, parties, dinners, etc...I think it would just be fun. :)

Happy Fall to you friends!

Another Step in a Lifelong Lesson

We've had a wonderful summer: Simple, sunshine, home, popsicles, family, friends, sunflowers. My days are full. There is a lot of peace because I know I'm obeying for this season. It is so freeing to just attempt to obey, not attempt to fix my life and save the world; it is so freeing to stop thinking I was made to do something more, harder, or more important than this normal daily life I lead, and to stop thinking I am supposed to get somewhere else. It's not that things won't happen with missions or music (my passions!)...it's just that I know now what my responsibility is, and I'm sticking to it. For maybe the first time in my life, I am living for now, and don't feel responsible for tomorrow's callings.

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God has definitely made it clear in half a dozen ways how incapable I am of doing what is clearly in my lap today anyway, let alone tomorrow's callings. It is actually freeing to know that I can't do the things I tell the Lord I'll do for Him; I'm not trying to prove I can do anything anymore, because He has made me utterly unable (on my own). It was necessary for me to see that I am really not good at anything I attempt! Marriage, my walk with God, song writing/singing, missions, intercession, parenting, relationships, running a household. I had to see how much I really stink at these things and start from there. I was like, "Why are you making me realize this, God? Just to make me feel horrible? Just to make me see how I can fix my own life and squeeze it all in and just learn to do better after all these years of failing at it???" And He was like, "No, to set you free."

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He is setting me free. And practically speaking, this freedom has brought changes to my lifelong desires, to my thought processes, to how I spend my energy, and to what I really think I need in life. (matt. 22:37) Right now, knowing I am not good at any of the things I always expected myself to excel at, my life really does revolve around dependence on Jesus in each of these things which are alive and well in my daily life (and I am certainly unable to do this without His very patient grace). I think I am getting to the place where I don't want anything more than He wants for me, which means two things. Number one, it absolutely means that I cannot spend my time thinking about, desiring, needing, and working toward places (both literally and figuratively) that He has not given me. Number two, it means I surrender everything I ever thought I would have, do, or be in order to embrace daily obedience in the here and now NOT KNOWING where it will lead. (This season by season obedience may very well lead to where we thought it would...but we don't obey because of where we think we'll end up! We obey, and die to where we want to end up. We decide walking with Him is more important than anything we could be or do.) We are told we are supposed to live our life with this end vision, and you logically figure out what steps you need to take to get there. They call that purposeful living, and I was all about that! That was so me! But God is changing me; I don't know about you, but God hasn't told me any end visions...except that He is returning and He wants us to recognize each other on that day. Whatever passions or ideas He has planted, surely He will also be faithful to water and grow and blossom them, if He chooses. He doesn't have to. We do sometimes run away with His ideas and make them pretty different than He first said...

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The last thing I'll say is I thought that what I expected from my life was HIS idea!! So I was running after it FOR Him, or so I thought were the motives of my heart! Thank goodness He was running after me, chasing me down, pulling me over on the side of the road to tell me the truth about myself and about what He really wants. My expectations are little by little just narrowing down to Jesus; not the mission field & saving lives in africa, not a music career, not a mother of two brilliant prodigy children, not a intercessor & teacher & writer of deep things the Lord reveals. I had a fatal belief that I needed to be important. This is something like round 103 of finding out I just need to be His.