Some Encouraging Words

I went back and read the last blog I wrote. While most of it makes sense to me, I can tell some of it was Ambien-induced! It is cool how the Lord can speak even in the midst of exhaustion though; it is kind of rare in my experience, but His intervention is what I've been praying for, so I shouldn't be so surprised to get it.

When I went back to read it, I was excited to find that nugget of truth about how the Lord wants to lead me beside still waters and restore my soul. I may feel like I need hours and hours of tea-sipping, book-reading, nap-time to make it through the day, and since I can't have that I may think I'll never get well, but in all reality, there is a rest in the Lord and in His Spirit that I can not get from hours of relaxation in the physical realm. Of all things I can change and work toward to make this life a little healthier, balanced, and happy, my time with Him and my connection to His truth are the real life-givers.

"Physical training is of some value but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." (I Tim. 4:8) It is a relief that I needed to feel, to know that I may fail at ALL THINGS, seriously not ever get it right, but if I am dwelling in truth and love with my Maker and His Word, the most important thing is secure. That helps me chill. And for me, chilling is good!

Honesty

This entry isn't quite as fun as the last...no pictures, because believe me, you don't want to see this! I am having such a rough time with my health, and oh how it seeps, overflows, floods, ruins other parts of my life. For so many years I have wrestled and fought, filling journals up with schedules and diets and knowledge that would fit in everything I need...the right amount of rest, the right amount of work, the right amount of this and that type of food, exercise, social life, prayer time, family time, oh my gosh, the list goes on. It's like I think that if I do everything just right then how could my body not respond with health? At the same time as all this struggle, for so many years I have also surrendered. I've given it to God and even said, "Fine. You obviously don't have the life for me that I thought You had. I will live like this, I am Your's. It doesn't matter..." It does matter, but He knows what I mean. It isn't everything. We are eternal, and this is temporary. I do think that acceptance and faith go hand in hand, which is certainly a goal of our time here.

But even that seems to have a limit. The fact is there is a balance, a fight, a tight rope I have to walk in the midst of trying to also stay in a place of humility and surrender to the Lord and His plan to heal or to not heal. I am delirious with hope that I could find the problem(s) and not have to claw my way through every single thing I do. When I think I've hit on it, I turn to the Lord to excitedly say, "Is this what this has all been about? Can I be free now?" So far, the answer has not been yes. It's confusing, and I can honestly say I am not angry about going through what I am going through, I am angry about having this deep feeling that it's up to me, who I am, and what I do to be healed. It means that I can try my very hardest my whole life, wearing myself out for a healthy life and a healthy family, living in balance and in God's will whatever that may be, and still have no results because of one thing I didn't try. I'm angry to be put in such a situation. It's not up to me to fix me. But that's exactly how I feel. Is my life in His hands or mine?

I can't find the right responses for the things that hit me all day. I am stressed and exhausted over things that just aren't a big deal. I'm always telling Selah to stop talking, always telling Yemi to stop screaming. I can't get away enough, even though in my heart of hearts I want to be with them a lot, in a different circumstance. I want to sip hot tea, curl up with a book, meditate, pray, take long walks, stare at something beautiful, listen to silence, slip away to see a friend or two, but then come home in plenty of time for a relaxing path to bedtime. Huge changes have been made to make life a little closer to this dream, but i begin to wonder, "how long is it going to be about me here?" The books I am reading say this is vital to my treatment and healing. And I hear God in that question, too. I hear Him quickly entering into the discussion, answering in a way that this overachiever ministry drop-out is surprised by. He says "I'll lead you beside still waters. I'll restore your soul." I don't think He's worried about how long that will take...

All this writing to come to the conclusion that all my efforts may or may not result in change, healing, balance...but the most important effort is taking Jesus's offer to stroll along the riverbank together, to feel that kind of personal protection of "I'll restore your soul", "i'll make a place at the table for you before your enemies". This is the one effort that receives a reward, and the one that needs the most attention put to it. When it all feels overwhelming, spiritual training wins.

It's been a long day, much too long...but I did rejoice this morning because my family and I went to church for the first time in months. I was able to get up, and boy have I suffered for it today! But it IS the end of the day, and I am heading to bed. Praying for grace for the next week, and praying that I won't overthink everything and just be led by those quiet waters.

Time and Other Things That Fly!

I really can't believe it.

One year ago I was boarding a plane. Like all international adventures I had set out on, there were lots of forms to fill out; lots of wondering about things like "will the airline have our reservation?" and "am I really leaving tonight?"; and lots of jet-lag, zombie-like fatigue as we bounced from airport lobby to airport lobby. There was one thing different one year ago though. I was not alone as I most always was in travels of the past. Jack and I traveled to Ethiopia as a pair and came back as a trio.

A very small, very wide eyed, very dependent little 14 pound 8 and a half month old baby girl was in our arms. 16 hour flight. A little bit of sleep, a little bit of crying, quite a lot of staring at the seat in front of us and thinking, "Will this ever end? Was that seriously only just 5 minutes that passed since the last time I looked?" And I'll just go ahead and say it, because it was such an ordeal for all of us adopting parents on the plane, there was a lot of poo! My word! Those poor little bellies, and poor little mommies trying to clean it up in the 1 sq. ft. bathrooms.

Jack took care of it a couple times, and once, when he had to change her clothes because of the major blow-out, he put the yucky diaper in one bag and her equally yucky outfit in another bag. ONE of these bags I held onto in my backpack all the way back to my bathroom in Kentucky, because I wanted to wash it and pretend such things had never occurred! However, when I emptied this bag into my sink, you guessed it...I had carried home a disgusting soiled bag of poo. The outfit? In some airline garbage bin.

(The following pictures are of Yemi's room in the orphanage, shared by about a dozen babies. The woman was one of her nannies, Susanna.)

But alas, moving on...we made it. We arrived at the airport on April 25th to a boatload of people, tears in their eyes; it was obvious they had been praying us home. What a group effort the journey to Yemi had been! That's exactly what I hoped it would be. I think it changed many of us along the way...our world view, our openness to different races and cultures, it taught us perseverance, and gave us to hold in our very hands and hearts one of the precious jewels of Africa.

For a million reasons, I'm so glad God led us to adopt. I admit, I'm also glad it's over! But there is no length I wouldn't have traveled to bring her home. She is my daughter; heart of my heart. My second born. Connected for life by our brown eyes that meet adoringly.

Teaching Lessons

So today was my last day of teaching lessons. It's really bizarre how I've been praying about this for a year, but it still seems like it happened all of a sudden. Last year with Yemi coming (exactly one year ago, April 25th) I had sort of secretly hoped I would not continue working for much longer. I only taught piano, voice, and beginning guitar one day a week though, and truly enjoyed it, so it wasn't a big deal to keep going.

Then in September of last year I started having more intense problems with my sleep disorder/fatigue weirdness thing, and my throat and voice became specifically under attack. It was really odd; I still don't know what is going on, but I can't sing much and my throat feels very tight and clenched. A bit alarming. I am going to have a scope done on May 3rd and we'll see if there is something there; if not, it could be the sleeping meds I take causing the problem. That would be the best possibility out there at this point, and of course my prayer is for God's healing, and that I would not need those nasty things ever again!

I love my students. Some I had been teaching for the past 4 years, and have seen them grow up before my very eyes. I am really proud of each of them! My favorite thing is to teach students how to sing and play their instruments at the same time, work on song writing, and develop their own artistry. I also really enjoy teaching theory, which I snuck in there any chance I had. I enjoyed helping my voice students be true to their own voice, and communicate a message well. It is such a privilege to spend one-on-one time with young people; it's a real honor. I think all of our conversations, laughter, and of course time learning music has been beneficial and worshipful. I may not be able to stay away for long!

Am I Crazy to Be Homeschooling?

Today is one of those days I would gladly send Selah Jordan Taylor away on a big yellow school bus. No tears, no sentimental moments thinking about how sad it is for her to be out of the house 8 hours a day. But most days of the week, I don't feel this way. Most days, I feel like there is nothing else I'd rather be doing and no one else I'd rather invest in than my two daughters, and that very sentence has led me down the path to the rather controversial decision to homeschool. ----------------------------------------------------- Everyone has an opinion, but making a decision that WE can live with is really all that matters in the end. Will I always go back and forth wondering if I'm doing the right thing? Am I correct in believing that Selah will have much different habits, attitudes, and values if I have more time with her than public schoolteachers? Will I be creative and enthusiastic and motivated enough for this to be a good experience? If I am not healed, how can I do this? If I am not healed, how can I NOT do this? ----------------------------------------------------- Selah and I enjoyed this year of home school preschool. She is so advanced she could probably fit right into first grade this coming fall. It has been genuinely quality time that I would not have had with her since Yemi has joined the family. I am positive she will learn a wider and deeper range of information on more important (in my book!) subjects if I home school, and I am positive she will feel close and special to me as well. She will have plenty of interaction with friends through church, sports, AWANA, small group, etc., and we will be less busy as a family because so much can get done during the day time--these are two very important aspects of life to me. SO...may the Lord's will be done. Pray for me!

Long Time No See

I've thoroughly and completely loved and squeezed the life out of spring these past 2 weeks. It has been glorious! You will not catch me complaining of the heat or allergies, because I don't even care! It's felt too good to be true. I'm not a "crier", but it has brought me to tears several times to see the world (and me!) come alive again!

This winter I began comparing the coming spring to Jesus's return. Not necessarily on purpose, it was just that parallels kept coming to my mind. Some days I looked outside to the cold grey wetness and realized it was taking faith to believe spring would come, just like I see the burdens of the world stretched out ahead of me and behind me, making it hard to believe all this could be washed and new and beautiful ever ever ever again. Sure, spring comes every year, just like we've been told since childhood that Jesus was coming back, but you do begin to wonder. Then all of a sudden (just as He will come, as a thief in the night!), we could go out without our coats, and not only without our coats but in shorts! The little feeble plants of last summer had long been deep and covered in the ground; all I saw was death and remains when I looked at those flower beds! And then, just as the dead in Christ shall rise, in rich, colorful coats these frail plants of last season popped out of the dirt and screamed, "YES! It is time!!!" They are beautiful and brand new, and so shall we be. Those who have suffered in the name of Jesus, those who have obeyed to the end, will wear their white robes, and I don't know the half of it, but the day will come when our hearts truly don't have a care in the world. The time of toil and waiting and even faith will be over, and we'll stroll. (When was the last time you strolled?) What was dead, He will make alive. What was sick, He will heal. What was dark, He will lighten. What was long and hard and brutal and sad, He will deliver! Spring came, and so shall He!

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us NEW BIRTH into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never spoil or fade-kept in Heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time." 1 Peter 1:3-5