Honesty

This entry isn't quite as fun as the last...no pictures, because believe me, you don't want to see this! I am having such a rough time with my health, and oh how it seeps, overflows, floods, ruins other parts of my life. For so many years I have wrestled and fought, filling journals up with schedules and diets and knowledge that would fit in everything I need...the right amount of rest, the right amount of work, the right amount of this and that type of food, exercise, social life, prayer time, family time, oh my gosh, the list goes on. It's like I think that if I do everything just right then how could my body not respond with health? At the same time as all this struggle, for so many years I have also surrendered. I've given it to God and even said, "Fine. You obviously don't have the life for me that I thought You had. I will live like this, I am Your's. It doesn't matter..." It does matter, but He knows what I mean. It isn't everything. We are eternal, and this is temporary. I do think that acceptance and faith go hand in hand, which is certainly a goal of our time here.

But even that seems to have a limit. The fact is there is a balance, a fight, a tight rope I have to walk in the midst of trying to also stay in a place of humility and surrender to the Lord and His plan to heal or to not heal. I am delirious with hope that I could find the problem(s) and not have to claw my way through every single thing I do. When I think I've hit on it, I turn to the Lord to excitedly say, "Is this what this has all been about? Can I be free now?" So far, the answer has not been yes. It's confusing, and I can honestly say I am not angry about going through what I am going through, I am angry about having this deep feeling that it's up to me, who I am, and what I do to be healed. It means that I can try my very hardest my whole life, wearing myself out for a healthy life and a healthy family, living in balance and in God's will whatever that may be, and still have no results because of one thing I didn't try. I'm angry to be put in such a situation. It's not up to me to fix me. But that's exactly how I feel. Is my life in His hands or mine?

I can't find the right responses for the things that hit me all day. I am stressed and exhausted over things that just aren't a big deal. I'm always telling Selah to stop talking, always telling Yemi to stop screaming. I can't get away enough, even though in my heart of hearts I want to be with them a lot, in a different circumstance. I want to sip hot tea, curl up with a book, meditate, pray, take long walks, stare at something beautiful, listen to silence, slip away to see a friend or two, but then come home in plenty of time for a relaxing path to bedtime. Huge changes have been made to make life a little closer to this dream, but i begin to wonder, "how long is it going to be about me here?" The books I am reading say this is vital to my treatment and healing. And I hear God in that question, too. I hear Him quickly entering into the discussion, answering in a way that this overachiever ministry drop-out is surprised by. He says "I'll lead you beside still waters. I'll restore your soul." I don't think He's worried about how long that will take...

All this writing to come to the conclusion that all my efforts may or may not result in change, healing, balance...but the most important effort is taking Jesus's offer to stroll along the riverbank together, to feel that kind of personal protection of "I'll restore your soul", "i'll make a place at the table for you before your enemies". This is the one effort that receives a reward, and the one that needs the most attention put to it. When it all feels overwhelming, spiritual training wins.

It's been a long day, much too long...but I did rejoice this morning because my family and I went to church for the first time in months. I was able to get up, and boy have I suffered for it today! But it IS the end of the day, and I am heading to bed. Praying for grace for the next week, and praying that I won't overthink everything and just be led by those quiet waters.