New Year's Eve & My Husband, Jack

I have always LOVED New Year's Eve! It is one of my favorite holidays. Even though I'm not usually doing anything spectacular on this day, it is momentous anyway. Today, Jack and I are working our little fingers to the bone laying flooring in our home...a dream come true, really! I never expected to get new floors, and now, after ten years, there is not one speck of icky carpet left in my house! Hallelujah! My favorite thing about New Year's Eve, actually, is to get alone and turn my face toward Jesus. When I was a teenager, post 1991 when my relationship with Him became "real", I would go to New Year's Eve parties but right before the ball dropped, I would find a little closet or something, and just be with Jesus, just adore Him. Tonight I am overwhelmed with adoration for the Lord, for who He has shown Himself to be in my life and for all the mysteries He still is. I love this Man. And there's another man I truly love as well.

The name "Jack", being a derivative of John, means "God's gracious gift." Jack is God's gracious gift to me. We are polar opposites, but best friends forever. This year, I am happy to say I have grown in the art of marriage. What God wanted to show me about acceptance, unconditional love, forgiveness, and respect were actually not only things I needed to learn for my marriage to be better or even for Jack to be happier, but these were characteristics I needed to grasp internally to move on in my journey with the Lord. The changes that have been made in my attitude, feelings, expectations, and actions toward Jack are still under construction, but it is exciting to be at peace and not need anyone to change but myself.

I am truly thankful for Jack and all his hard work. He works more than 40 hours a week at his "day job", then spends his "free time" with me and the girls. He barely has time to eat 3 meals a day, and doesn't really have a moment to himself until I go to bed at 10. It makes me sad when people criticize him for not answering his phone or getting together with them; I wish they understood his life right now. I hope that this year he feels bound to the Lord in a fresh new way, and that the desires of his heart would come to pass, every last one of them.

It's going to be a wonderful new year, this 2011! God is moving in our hearts; He is humbling His people and turning us to Him above all things, above all loves, above all service, above all goals. I have no resolutions this year; I sense nothing except a year of drawing nearer to the Lord and finding more in my heart, mind, soul, and strength to give up to make room for Him. (Oh, for this to truly happen! I am so unable on my own!) I'll end this post with the chorus of a song I finally finished last night (started in 2008!)

"After all this time, after all this journey

after all I've tried to be

You've simplified, cleared my mind of all I could pursue

so I could just want You."

Favorite Christmas Moments 2010

In no particular order, these are some of my fave moments so far!

*Singing a nice ringing chorus of "Auld Lang Syne" with some of my favorite people at our Annual House Concert at the Casteels

*Walking outside on Christmas Eve and discovering an inch of snow; watching Selah in her red dress and coat slowly dance along the sidewalk with her eyes closed and face upturned

*Having my parents come for brunch; I felt like a grown up. :)

*Accompanying my cousin, Adam, as he sang "O Holy Night"; hearing him sing "Mary, Did You Know?", and listening to those words again for the first time

*Discovering the sugary goodness of praline pecans; making them for the first time, carrying on the wonderful recipe of my cousin Kathy (who passed away in 2009)

*Hearing Yemi pray for me in the car, because I was sick; "God, help Mommy...-insert an unintelligible sentence or two-...Amen."

*Realizing Selah is old enough to play board games; remembering how much i LOVE games and looking forward to many game nights in the future!!!

*Singing "Count Your Blessings" with Selah...everywhere we have been this week, we have performed. She was a precious little messenger of song. And I can't forget Yemi's performances as well...precious in a different way!

*Watching old videos, Christmas movies, and Christmas cartoons (remember Claymation Christmas?)

*Sitting on my bed in quiet time with the Lord, looking back on the journey of this year, and thanking Him for coming and rescuing me...again and again.

*Dancing with Jack, Selah, and Yemi in our living room to "It Really Is (A Wonderful Life)"; knowing time is passing, but we have today, and it is beautiful, and it is enough.

A Day Off

Wow! Jack gave me a great early Christmas present, and just what I needed: A day off. A glorious, quiet, day alone. I love to steep in stillness.

While I did some laundry and groceries and work around the house, I got to do it alone. And just like I would do when I had free time as a little girl, I rearranged and cleaned my bedroom. It is a good thing I have finally embraced and accepted myself as the introvert that I am, or I would be quite frustrated at this reality!

Anyway, in my time alone, my brain got a chance to breathe, and while these are by no means 2011 New Years Resolutions, they are ideas that I am laying at the Lord's feet...They are in me for a purpose, and I don't need them to happen to be happy and fulfilled, but as I said, they are in me for a purpose. So, here's a brief list--some small, some big, none random really.

1. Make a 4th CD. There are some new people I want to work with this time around, and some new people I want to ask to sing duets with me. I'm really excited to finally get the songs I have written over the past four years on CD; to tell these stories through music is so much fun. The CD will be called Songs for My Family: Near and Far, and they are all written to or about people I consider family, from those living under the same roof with me to the least of these worldwide.

2. Start The Lydia Bridge. I have this idea to partner with small international ministries who help women in underdeveloped countries earn an income by making crafts, like jewelry, quilts, and handbags. My hope is to truly form partnerships between women in the U.S. who purchase their workmanship and the women themselves around the world. The main way I want to do this is to become a business "middle-woman" if you will, between customers and those making the crafts, so that these micro-enterprises can continue to benefit those in need and so that women here can buy meaningful gifts for themselves and each other, all the while forming prayer bonds and friendship with the artists. Three main ways to follow this through are: Parties at host houses (like Thirty One or Pampered Chef), setting up at craft fairs, and setting up at my (or others) concerts.

3. Go back for my Masters Degree in Professional Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy at WKU.

4. Paint some furniture in my house. Get a storm door. Get a headboard for Selah's bed. Finish decorating the basement.

It's been a fun day. Off to exercise and watch Sydney Bristow kick some booty!

Computer Crash

Well, I was just telling someone this week how hard it would be for me to live without my computer. I didn't even have a laptop until maybe a year ago, when Jack was given a new Mac for work and his laptop passed down to me. Oh, my gosh, there is so much more I could have done with it, but I was totally rocking the iPhoto, iTunes, and internet. GarageBand was also fun at times, but I never did anything really worthwhile on it. I have my website, not that it's anything great, but people do go to find lyrics and chords of my songs on there. Everyone communicates by Facebook and email now, even my own mother who is still on juno.com. Lately I was burning some great worship CDs for friends and blogging more, here and at Megan's website (www.themommypost.com)...so I'm sad!

Anyway, I think my computer is dead. It's something I want to be mature about, like see how God wants to use this...maybe I was using it too much, or maybe it was a distraction. I am certain if the Lord wants me to have a computer, I'll have a computer. Bam. But I'm still sad. I feel like Facebook and blogging really keep me from being isolated, plus I am a major "verbal" processor and I have to work through things by writing, I just have to. I still journal, but the blog makes me feel like I am learning things that maybe are affecting others, too. But mostly it's just fun, and I need that!

Oh, well. Enough. At least Jack has a computer I can sometimes steal away. Maybe this will make my blogs a little more purposeful.

Tonight was our first Christmas gathering; Jack's side of the family. It was really fun. Grandma gave me some used house shoes and a dreamcatcher. Yes, I'm serious. I am pretty sure it was a gag gift...I mean, obviously it was a gag gift, but the question is whether it was MEANT to be a gag gift! The kids got some beautiful dresses, jammies, and baby dolls. That's all they need...yet there are about 5 more "Christmases" to go. It's such a fun 2 weeks, but I really have to pace myself...meaning get in bed every chance I have, keep exercising, taking my supplements, and doing the other stuff on my list. This time last year was so hard; I praise Him for the path He has taken me on this year, and I praise Him that out of His great mercy I feel better than I thought I would.

Tree Turtle

I am genuinely concerned about Tree Turtle.

Unfortunately, I don't have a picture to show you, but it really is real.

One day about 2 years ago, I was doing dishes and looking out my window at the tree. It was winter, so all it was just bare branches, and lo and behold, there was Tree Turtle. It's like this funny knobby thing on one of the branches that looks JUST like a turtle with it's head poked up. So cute. So it became my little winter pet. I'm really not crazy...Really.

Well, with the ice that came in last night...ummm...I can't find him! I don't know if his branch is bending too low and is behind another branch or what. I'll certainly let you know as soon as he rears his cute little head again, because I'm sure you are now concerned as well. And when he does, I will take a picture!! You just don't know what you have until it's gone!! (LOL!)

Home

So, I suppose Christmas Break has started early for us. Selah is home with strep throat, and it looks like an ice storm will be coming to knock out chances of school on Thursday. Bring on the peanut butter balls, Santa Clause movie marathon, and well, um, insanity.

I'm just feeling a little weird, like I am just not ready for Christmas, and I have no idea why. Our first "christmas" is this Saturday, with Jack's side of the family. It will be fun, and then the next day its christmas again, at my mom and dad's. It'll be great...but what about it makes me want to just go ahead and eat every praline I made (to bring to the parties)?

Well, another lame blog post, but I do think some good ones are coming. I want to do some "year-end book and movie reviews" (don't you just love my overuse of quotation marks today? You know i'm in a sarcastic mood when I use lots of quotation marks!) And then in January, once all the beautiful holiday festivities are over and it's just plain cold, I am going to launch into a daily blog about winter survival. I seriously do plan to blog every day on the topic of ideas to make winter spectacular for those of us prone to hibernation! I'm sure that my ideas are things everyone else knows, however, I will need to write them down for my own sake...and maybe they'll be a reminder to my fellow shiver-ers.

Good Morning!

Wow. It's early. So sorry to be a wimp, I realize most people get up at 6:30, but not me. I've been fighting it since I was little. I remember, I used to get my clothes for the next day on before I went to bed so that I could get up later...And now, I have a legitimate reason to not get up early. My overall health depends on about 12 hours of sleep a night. While I've grown to accept it, it's obviously hard to stay feeling well. It's a lot of discipline to stay well, but at least now I know what I need and can make it happen. :)

Anyway, yesterday and today I had to be up at 6:30 to take Selah to school because my dear Jack is out of town for work. It was nice to have the extra hours; got more laundry and dishes done than I usually do in a week! I also had some time to get out my guitar and play a little. That led to me getting a little house concert set up at my friends' house, to play Christmas songs. So, that's been nice... but the cloud hanging over my head of fatigue and loopiness, not so nice.

I've also had a little more time with the Lord. God convicted me this week of putting working out before time with Him. I wasn't just prioritizing my time wrongly, it was in my heart, too. For about 8 months, I've had all these changes to my diet and life so that I can get better...but with all the changes, I started to gain a little weight, and because that's always been such a battle, I felt I needed to bring it back to the forefront of my mind again. But it has led to such bondage; anytime I put anything in the forefront of my mind over knowing Jesus, that's what happens! So, it has been wonderful to place this part of my life where it belongs (on the radar, but not front and center) and remember the One Thing I am living for.

So...kind of randomness today...but I thought I'd share. Have a happy day, and let's turn our eyes upon Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith!

Full Circle

I have been listening to a teaching on bitterness for the past several months, and the Lord is really using it in my life. When I started it, I wondered how it would play out...would I become aware of hidden bitterness? It turns out that I have, and I'm sure there is more to be revealed. Anyway, I just am struck today by the way these past 2 weeks have happened in regard to this lesson in bitterness coming full circle.

2 weeks ago, my good friend shared with me something; she was not being confrontational really, but God used it internally as something I needed to be confronted about. Basically, I was holding a lot of judgment and critical opinions about someone, truly thinking I had learned something they didn't know; without ever coming to grips with it fully, I had believed I was right and they were wrong. Regardless of who is right or wrong, it was seething under the surface and would come out every now and then if others brought it up. Self-righteousness was winning over love. That's the bottom line.

Well, I saw how it was hurting people, finally I saw it. I had done the same thing to Jack, also, in marriage through the years and had repented of that, so it was a familiar problem. That next day at church, I had time to work through it with God, and made an altar so to speak to lay down the ugly sin (I didn't think it was ugly before, I thought it was deserved and true and just). Knowing that you can starve a thought to death, I committed to no longer dwell on or speak of these opinions again. I asked God to remove them from my heart completely, and while the facts still exist of what they believe vs. what I believe, I don't care anymore. They are God's and I am God's, and He is in charge of what we need to know right now.

That very day, after releasing these people, God in turn set me free. He was waiting for me to show grace SO THAT He could offer to me grace in the same proportion. I know He is merciful and good and shows grace even when we don't, but He wanted me to understand this spiritual law of Matthew 7...the same measure I show grace, that is the measure in which I will receive it myself. His grace to me came in the form of showing me the invisible enemy who was wreaking havoc on my life; He opened my eyes to victory over some things that had really been lessening my joy.

Then a couple days ago, this yucky conversation happened with my loved one where I was the object of her judgment and unsolicited opinions. It was important for me to see that I have done this to so many people...these people I have mentioned, Jack, and others in the past. It was like God was showing me what it looks like to...well, just not love. Love hasn't been my crusade. People doing their best, people getting what they deserve, people changing "for the better", that was my crusade. Maybe I am a hippie, but I'm not sure what good any of that does when we'd rather have justice than mercy.

I was thinking about it today, after listening to more of the teaching on bitterness, how God did not get justice and how He did not show justice to me, but instead mercy. God does not deserve to have to put up with me; He certainly does not deserve to love me, a wandering sheep. Oh, how He deserves a fiery love! When He sent His Son to die for me, justice was not done. There was nothing just or fair about it. It was mercy. And that is why I'm finally, finally, getting a glimpse of understanding on how to love others. Even if I'm poorly loved, even if I never get out of someone what they really should give me, (everything from store cashiers to my children!), I want to choose to love. Accept. Show mercy over justice. Let God be their Potter, not me.

Yeah.

Freedom

You know, I have so much growing to do...so much learning to do...so many things that I don't even know need to be cleaned up in my heart, life, beliefs...I won't know what they are until God allows circumstances or conviction or conversation to bring them up. Having said that, I want to blog today about something that sort of shocked me.

Yesterday I had a really difficult conversation with a loved one. It felt at the time that it was coming out of nowhere, but throughout the day I realized it was a bit of a time bomb waiting to go off. I am the type of person that once I have changed, for example once my attitude is different about something, I completely forget what I used to be like. It takes something big to happen before I go, "Oh my gosh, I don't do that anymore" or "Wow, that's not even an issue now." My point is that since God did such a work of freedom in my heart the past year or two (which I won't explain because I've talked so much about it in my blogs already), I live in a fairly peaceful state. I certainly can still get mad or upset about things, and I have my moments of feeling sad and depressed, but because the deepest question in my soul has been answered, I am calm and at peace, and don't worry about many things. I don't ignore problems, I don't pretend, but at the same time, I feel like I have accepted a lot of the things that are hard in life that others want to keep fighting against.

I'm not trying to sound high and mighty, like I've arrived at some nirvana! BUT I am free from my striving to achieve and change things. I am free from trying to make God or anyone else do or become something of my creation, my planning. I don't live in a constant state of trying to prevent suffering. This has definitely started to show in my parenting, my conversations, my emotions (what I don't get worked up about), etc. Well, finally I will get to the point: While people have mentioned that they think I am patient, calm, at peace, yesterday was the first time I was actually attacked about it. Without going into it, I think they were jealous of this perspective and peace that God has given me. It was so weird to be accused of not caring enough about the things other people care about, not trying to dress or live like others, living "cluelessly" like a "hippie". I absolutely took this as a compliment. Of course there were some mean things said as well, that I won't share. These things I didn't take as a compliment, but I have disregarded them already! I've also been told my kids don't respect me because I'm too sweet and patient with them, when they need sternness. (First of all, I'm not sweet and patient, and plenty stern, don't be fooled! I only attempt to control MYSELF first and foremost, above controlling them.) I take this as a compliment, too.

I really do feel secure in the way I am living my life. It is a relief and a joy to hear these criticisms and after praying about it, really think to myself, "There was nothing of value from God in that. I am moving on." I'm sharing this, not to sound like I have it all together, because we all know I do not and am not even trying to, but because we are ALL in this same boat. We have to make our decisions and just LIVE. People's comments really can just slide off our backs. Our validation, encouragement, and correction comes from the Lord. Be free, friends, be free! I hope that sharing this little glimpse of my journey to confidence and freedom will be affirmation to you!