Honestly...

I am having a rough week! I thought it only fair to write on days like today since it's much easier to jump on here and write encouraging things on the "good" days! I like living wide open, so here's the truth of it...and maybe it'll be a little therapeutic for me as well.

I know I am extremely blessed, first of all. Just this week the Lord gave me this picture in my mind: I was thanking Him with my daughters for a long list of blessings, and I saw an iceberg. The blessings I can see are just the tip of the iceberg! The blessings I can't see (how God is at work, spiritual blessings, my life hidden in Christ, a home prepared for me in Heaven) are the miles deep solid iceberg. So...yes, I am blessed and I know it.

As anyone reading this knows, I have struggled with adrenal fatigue and a sleep disorder for over 10 years and this past year I had a wonderful year of relief from it. It was still there, but managed. Slowly, I have felt some fatigue and exhaustion come back. Sometimes it feels related to stress, sometimes to allergies (because of waking up a lot at night I think), and sometimes there is just no reason. Since coming home from vacation I haven't felt great but it was manageable. Then on Sunday, after coming home from church and lunch in Louisville, I was just finished. I figured I'd wake up Monday morning back to at least a tolerable normal, but I didn't. I have felt this way all week.

Even Sunday morning before church I felt in a daze, and today is the first day I've even started to feel the fog lift, but only for a little while. I love my life so much, and sure everyone gets a little down and unmotivated sometimes, but I feel down for the count! I don't feel like doing anything that I'm supposed to be doing, so I'm doing the bare minimum of everything. It's stressing me that I have events on the calendar, plus leading worship on Sundays and the daily activities with the kids, that I do not feel like doing. I swing back and forth between judging myself and freeing myself to just relax.

I have a small list of steps I am taking to try to get this under control again and since I have no idea if this will be short term or long term, it gives me a sense of peace to say if I'm not feeling better in one month, I will go into a different mode...back to what I used to do, which is only take care of my home and family, no work, no singing events, no commitments. I'm not happy about this, but I genuinely have meant it when I have said and prayed that I love what I've learned and how I've changed through having a chronic illness and if God has more to teach me through it, may His will be done. Also, I know that my worth is not caught up one bit in what I do and God is not disappointed in me, therefore I will have joy and peace whatever the outcome. (After many tears of submission, let me not leave that out! It's a loss to grieve...but there are much greater losses.)

It's the limbo that is hard, I think. Trying to keep fulfilling commitments without making a big deal about telling people what I'm dealing with...deciding whether or not to say yes to something I'd really like to be able to do, and that I very well MAY be able to do...All of a sudden, living the one life I have to live is just a completely different situation.

I cling hard to the verse that says to serve with the strength God provides. That means if God doesn't provide the strength, I'm no longer supposed to be out there. It has to be Him doing it. I'd appreciate your prayers, mainly that i would know what to do about commitments for July. I have 3 concerts and church every Sunday. These are not stressful in themselves, but they are when I don't feel like preparing. Thanks for reading!

Life Is So Daily

"Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wonder, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."

Seal it, Lord! I let the world leak in and contaminate and clog up and break my heart. (SOS 8:6) My heart and my arm, my affections and my actions, are in great need of a Protector and Guide. It's a daily sealing, isn't it? It's a daily binding. I know this...but somehow expect it to not be true.

I joke that I have a spiritual Alzheimer's condition. I can be so full to overflowing with truth and confidence in the Lord--great perspective, by His grace having the ability to worship in difficult times, not making mountains out of molehills--and then all of a sudden, usually when I'm tired or when I've just been out in the world too much (as silly as that sounds), I am like a person in a maze wearing a mask over my eyes, stretching out arms like a beggar in the dark.

Could this be what most of the Old Testament is about, as the Israelites, the beloved vineyard of Creator God, stake their claim in Him with celebration and solemn vows only to say, as if coming out of a fog with that confused look in their eyes, "What were we supposed to be remembering?"

It's like that movie 50 First Dates, at least for me. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to watch a video every morning reminding me of the truths that keep me afloat. It's also like C.S. Lewis's quote that went something like this: We daily have to be brainwashed. That may sound offensive, but not to me. Yes, Jesus, Living Word, wash my brain and re-train it every day because when You renew my mind all over again I truly am a new creation. And why in the world would I not want to take that offer and be a new creation, despite the work every morning to "recall to mind and therefore have hope..." (Lamentations 3:21)

We need a daily, fresh, current revelation of the love of God for us to live as overcomers. I'm not sure there is any other way. I'm so thankful for the ministers, writers, singers, friends, teachers, just honest people seeking God and sharing His revelations (what is on His heart) with others. They are the prophets of this day, reminding us who we are in Christ and who we can be if we fix our eyes on Him daily. But I am most grateful that while those prophets make a light bulb come on in our spirit, and help us out of the maze, God wants to reveal Himself clearly and personally to each of us, every day, every moment even!

"Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wonder, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."

Good Endings to "Letting Go" Stories

My life is full of ebb and flow, taking on too much, having to let stuff go after a season, trying to achieve this illusive thing called balance! This past year, as I've written about recently, was too much. I think since Jack was working 2nd shift it was easy for me to make a bunch of plans and stay busy, so that I didn't see endless evenings alone with the kids stretch out before me! Also, as I've said, I felt so great and had lots of energy. Well, calming down and chilling out for the summer has been awesome. I am not afraid of days stretching out with no reason to leave the house or empty white squares on my day planner. Some of you are drooling from boredom, some of you are drooling from jealousy. :) There is some madness in the last couple weeks of July, but that will be an isolated incident. I'm happy with what I'm not doing.

And of course, the things that I am doing. My prayer life, blogging, house work, more consistent home schooling, and paying attention to time-and-energy investments that I'm called to are happening and I'm very much at peace with my homebody-ness these days.

But here's the hard side of letting go: The telling people, "Um...I got in over my head. I won't be able to do that again this year. Here's what I can do...Sorry!" The letting go of the money one was making, or the people one was pleasing? The letting go of the ministry that felt meaningful, or the part of the routine that one liked but couldn't get to ever really work?

So, I was reminded today that it's okay to say no or let go when the Lord leads us to. A few years ago, a group of home schoolers asked me to be their Spanish teacher and I said yes! Well, as I prayed about it and thought about my calendar, I realized I was going to be so stressed and just didn't have peace about it working in. With my head low, I went back and apologized and got out of it several weeks before it started. When I did this, I was so surprised by the outcome! The mom in charge of hiring me said, "Wow. You know, I am so glad you came to me because I have felt the Lord telling me to quit this whole thing because it wasn't what I was supposed to do with my kids this year, but I wouldn't let it go. Thank you for being obedient; I will, too!" I was shocked!


A similar incident happened today, where the Lord had clearly went before me and paved the way for me to let go and have a simpler life. Simplicity is hard work. It's a balancing act. It's more "no's" than "yes's", and it's the right "no's" and "yes's"...led by the Holy Spirit, but probably not always getting it right either. I only have two children, but they have interests that I want to help them follow. They have school, enrichment, field trips, and they'll have sports teams, lessons, friends, travel, church, and plays. I don't think I want to offer them everything under the sun...or they'll have a lot to unravel when they realize they can't do it all.

Lord, teach us to order our days, hear the voice of our Shepherd, and humble ourselves when we've messed up and need to backtrack to a simpler life. Help us remove anything that keeps us from having daily communion with You. Show us if there is anything we refuse to let go of that You know we need to, for our good and Your purposes. Make spaces where there need to be spaces, and fill them with Yourself. Amen.

Welcome, Holy Spirit

I woke up this morning, and I honestly did not want to get up. It was too early, but the girls were already awake and playing in their rooms. I tried to call to mind all the great things that would happen in the day (if I would just get up) but none of them sounded even remotely great! And guess Who showed up this morning, as John 14 says, "to remind (me) of everything (He) has taught (me)"?

I am finding myself living in John 14-17, ever since Lent. I do not move quickly. I'm trying to memorize these four chapters, because I want them to become a part of me. How I've longed for Jesus Himself to be the One to wake me in the morning, talk me down from ledges, give me that pep talk! And He says He is...through His equivalent, the Holy Spirit.

A couple of years ago I had a breakthrough in my heart, right in the middle of a breakdown in my body. At my worst in the adrenal fatigue and sleep disorder, in worship one day, the Lord said, "You are not a slave to what you wake up to." All in one moment, I understood! My "day", my attitude, my happiness, was not like a card I was dealt that I had to receive. Sure, I'm dealt a card (by the Lord) but that card is temporal physical realm stuff that does not have to affect or at least not crush the Life inside of me.  By the Holy Spirit's power (translation: when you just utter the words, "Please help me, Holy Spirit, I cannot change myself but I want to have a good day"), we can be steadier than we imagined even though we wake up to a multitude of unsteady possibilities. I'm not a slave to how I feel, physically or emotionally, and I don't have to go with a negative flow of people around me either.

This is good news for Mrs. Moody over here, who is married to Mr. Moody, and who happen to have two little Miss Moodies, one being adopted which proves it's not necessarily hereditary, just HUMAN! He is stable...He is our stability. He is happy...He is our happiness. He is creative and energetic and ready for a new day...He is our creativity, energy, and excitement for life. He can do that in us, we just have to ask. He wants to! I believe He PROMISES fullness of life for our inner man, regardless of how the outer man might be failing (2 Corinthians 4:16: We don't lose heart! Outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.) In all our desire for healing of these earthly physical problems we suffer from in our lives and those we love, I pray we never idolize that restoration more than the kind He clearly, always, longs to give to those who ask.

I can receive no credit for having one of the best, sweetest, memorable days with my daughters today! Morning meditations, Homeschool. playing outside in the water...and feeling that there was no where else I'd rather be and no one I'd rather be with. I can't create that kind of peace and joy out of what I have to work with.  They are the fruits of the Spirit. I wouldn't write about this if it were an isolated incident. Okay, whoopee, Lyndsay had a good day. No, I'm saying this is pretty much every day of my life! And for that, I say "Thank You, and WELCOME, Holy Spirit!!"

First Time Gardening Joy

 My garden is very little, and all the plants are so small...but I have really enjoyed watching it grow. I love watering it, seeing it soak in the sunshine every day, and feeding it once a week. It's just neat to see beautiful things happening with just a little water, sun, and attention.

 Jack dried green pepper seeds a while back, and we planted them right into the ground. I was kind of amazed to see them come up at all, but there are about 30 little seedlings. I'm pretty sure that's not the way you're supposed to do it...but we shall see!

 A pretty little row of cucumber plants, with the ever so important blossoms.

 Just pretty.

 First Fruits of our "labor"! I am so excited! This is a gorgeous little guy!

"You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us."
Gungor

Thoughts about This...

Pretty vague title, I realize. So, I'll spill the beans...my thoughts are about the desire to adopt again! There are many reasons why this may never happen, so let's not get too excited, okay? (I was just talking to myself). The bottom line about this decision, far off as it may be, is if the Lord is specifically and strategically planning for us to bring another child into our family. It is not even an argument about adoption being a good thing, a topic on the very heart of God, and something all Christians should pray about...but just like i would tell any Christian, don't do it until God is telling you specifically to.

I tell Selah all the time (she's 7), "Selah, it would be a bigger help to me if you would do the things I ask you to do instead of ignore those things and pick out something else that you just think I want you to do." So. How does one know? If the desire and idea is there, if there is excitement about it, if there is opportunity,  if there are resources,  if you know it is something God loves...that would seem to be enough, but it's not. We have to know His voice personally about this, because He knows the end from the beginning. He has obviously given us part of His heart, His heart for the fatherless, but He gets to choose if that heart would be better used for adoption, for sponsoring lots of kids, for a different ministry altogether. That's why He's the One calling the shots. He knows the best way to make His stuff work out.

Right now, I believe I will bring the topic back up in January 2013 even though I hate to wait that long and at that time see how secure Jack's job is, how my health is, and a list of other variables. There are rules to go by, and reasons why we may not even be eligible to adopt. One thing I want God to reveal specifically is: Are there callings and things in our lives that are not supposed to move aside for another child? For example, if I am led and given opportunity to sing a lot, or travel with a missions organization, or if I am just thoroughly swamped with my home and family, something would have to budge in order to handle another adoption and a third little person who will come with his or her challenges.

On the other hand, this is how I really feel:
To me, it's a person and I'd much rather just go for it, knowing we are saving a life and showing God's love to someone who may not know Him otherwise. I'd rather just jump in and deal with whatever challenges and changes may come, knowing this was more important. But the fact is, I don't get to decide what is more important, because I can't see the impact of my obedience. For example, if Mary Beth and Steven Curtis Chapman adopted more special needs kids from China (because they had the heart, desire, opportunity, resources, etc) and they spent their lives caring for them, and it took all they had to do that, they would never have started Show Hope or Maria's Big House. They had to LISTEN. They had to live the life they had, and I have to learn to do the same.

It is a good thing I'm not in charge.

On the Tip of My Brain

There are a lot of things I want to write about. First of all, I have to say that I am reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, and that is making me breathe deeper and think deeper, so I have a lot to say for the first time in a while. Secondly, my youngest (the hurricane, you know her, right?) she's upstairs yelling, "Mommy! Mommy?" so my first of all and my secondly may just balance each other out.

There is a lot I want to write about, but first I think I'll start with external and move inward! I am realizing that this past year has been a blur that I don't want to repeat. I started feeling fabulous for the first time in like a decade last June, 2011. I began running miles daily out in the sunshine, taking on all kinds of projects, and just plain loving life like never before! Sister Bridge took so much of my Fall, as I was already homeschooling, doing Enrichment classes with the homeschool co-op, and I was recording the CD one weekend at a time. The Holidays are always enough to knock people off their feet, and I was no exception to the rule, yet I kept going, onto finishing the CD, remodeling the basement, and eventually ending off that year (at the end of May 2012) with a 2 week vacation that was wonderful but took me from my normal/healthy routine of eating and sleeping well.

So, it's no wonder that I am knocked down. Not completely, but enough to see that I cannot do it again. I have to go back to the slower life, where I actually sit down at the table to eat lunch with my kids, where I don't have so much on my mind that I have to live by a messy ever-growing list, where I realize that if I am to be a homeschooler and a homemaker I must be...home.

It's one thing to enforce disciplines on myself in order to feel well, like be in bed by 10:30, eat only what is nutrient dense most of the time, have a time each afternoon for prayer, Bible study, and rest, exercise. That's great, and I've been enforcing that stuff on myself since I was a kid (off and on, to be specific!!) But it's something else to know in my heart and soul that having a full calendar does not equate to having a full life. Just like having lots of relationships and lots of "ministry" opportunities does not equate to obedience. In my heart, regardless of the disciplines that do indeed make me feel better physically/mentally/spiritually, I have to believe and live out the belief that I don't have to be more than I am.

I've said all this before, but here I go again because it's on the tip of my brain. God is specific and strategic, wise and brilliant, trustworthy and personal. He's got this. He will give me strength, ability, opportunity, and resources for wherever, whenever, however, to whomever,  He wants me. Because I believe these two sentences, I can live the life I have. There were years where I could not do that!!! But I am free to just want Him, and live the life He has clearly given, trusting if there is more, He will make the space and then make it filled. Because He's bigger than me, and because I am happily surrendered to Him. He's got my life to do "something" with or not.

Right now, my "something" may be small, but I'm going to do it with all of my heart.

Day 9, My Last Full Day of Detox

Okay! So, this has been a good week and a good experiment. My 10 day detox will end tomorrow, because of the birthday dinner tomorrow that there is no way I'm gonna miss! Here's what I have gotten out of it:

*By God's grace, I have discovered many of my allergic reactions were caused by one of my supplements, Vitamin B.  Bummer...but I'm excited and hope that this was the only culprit. (Other than roast beef, but that's a different story!)
*I didn't do this for weight loss, but I did lose 10 lbs. However, add this to the list of things learned: You may see the scale go down on diets like this, but there is no change in the parts of my body that needed shrinking.
*My stomach has shrunk, and that's perfect for going right back in to my Body for Life plan that I used to do--I needed to get back to that structure of 4 or 5 mini-meals, each consisting of a palm size portion of a protein and a complex carb, which can be fruits, veggies, brown rice, whatever.
*I feel certain that I really need that protein. Doesn't have to be animal protein, but protein none the less. The weight loss is probably muscle loss, sad to say.
*My plate will be 50-75% fresh fruit and veggies...and the other stuff, I will be pretty excited about eating since I haven't had it in over a week.


It's been a good reboot. I'm glad I did it, and now it's time for moderation. Moderation is actually harder, more complicated, more time and thought consuming, but obviously worth it. It is good when you learn to stick to something and be in control and not be ruled by your feelings or cravings. We can show our bodies who is in charge and eat what we think is wise...we can, even if we don't feel like it. :) I really appreciate my husband and my friend Sarah for their support and encouragement these 10 days!!!

Day 6 Already

Is that right, is it Day 6? Yeah, i think so. This week has been crazy. Multi-tasking every minute. But the busyness has probably made the fruits and veggies only fast much easier. I really expected suffering, I truly did expect a difference in sleep, energy, whatever. But instead, my only complaint is that I have to use the restroom 4 or 5 times in the middle of the night now! TMI? :)

This has been good and I could be enjoying it even more if I wasn't too stubborn and cheap, um, frugal, to go buy more and different stuff at the grocery. I will say adding red onions and a sprinkle of all natural salad spices to my salads has been the highlight the past 2 days! Oh, and yes, I most certainly am using salad dressing. I decided when I started this that I would, otherwise, I really could not do it, and the point is to do it...and I say "whatever" to those legalistic details!

I'm breaking the fast on Sunday afternoon because of a big birthday dinner for Jack, Selah, and Jackson. I can definitely see myself eating a lot more f&V only meals in the future, because it really was simple, made my grocery list fun and easy. Plus, when you're eating f&v only, you can go back to just knowing you're eating healthy and stop the whole insane thing of counting carbs, calories, and fat grams for every bite you put in your mouth. :) I am looking forward to tortilla chips (organic blue corn of course!) and cheddar cheese...Funny, but those are the two things I'd like to have.

Gotta get to sleep. Even as important as nutrition is, I am a total mess without lots of that. Good night!

Day 4 Detox

Hey! Yeah, I'm still here! Day 3 I did not have a chance to write, but it was a good day. Surprisingly, I haven't been really tired or grouchy or headachy. In fact, this morning I woke up wanting to plant a garden! I don't have the ground tilled yet but we did go and buy a few plants. It is going to be the tiniest garden ever but I am so excited. They are in potting soil in containers right now until my neighbor/Jack's uncle can till the ground in the one small area of our yard that has sun. I. Am. Excited.

So, I am hungry. If I was juicing, I know I would be doing even better, because for example, I ate 1/2 a cucumber, some raspberries, and some craisins for breakfast at 9. By 11, I was starving of course. At 12, I had a berry/spinach smoothie. If I was juicing I could have had a whole basket of nutrients by now, but its hard to eat as much as you can juice.

I think this is pretty hilarious, though. I have lost like 9 pounds! I'm not taking it seriously of course, because at some point I will start eating more calories and will stabilize at a weight higher than this most likely. But the good things that are happening are:

1) I plan to always have 50-75% of my plate be fruits and veggies.
2) I will make my grocery list and cost consist at least half of fruits and veggies, instead of getting just spinach, carrots, and 2 kinds of fruit each week like I used to buy.
3) I'm getting in the habit of eating fruits and veggies when I'm hungry instead of grabbing a quicker, sweeter, snack.
4) My stomach is surely shrinking.
5) I've always wanted a garden and now I'm doing it! YAY! I have no idea if it will produce (we have a lot of wildlife out here) but I am totally pumped.

One day this week, I'll take pictures of the food I eat all day and share them on the blog.

Day 2 of F & V Fast...and Day 2 of Being Home

Hello! So...are you curious about how its going? Which part? The f & v fast or being home after two weeks of sweet blissful vacay?

We'll start with the fasting first. I am grateful because my sleep last night was not affected by being hungry! I usually eat a Zone bar with my meds and many times I have tried to go without it and laid awake for hours. Thankfully, last night I slept great, and pray I also will tonight! I've had lots of spinach salad, tomato soup, apples, raspberries, carrots, strawberries, broccoli and peppers. Oh, and Craisins. Thank God for Craisins. I'm actually enjoying the food a lot and have more things on my list for the next time I go to the store. Surely what I bought will last at least 5 days! That is one thing I have noticed though...how quickly the f & v go when that's all I'm eating!

I'm thinking the next trip to the store will include what I already bought plus frozen fruit for smoothies and pineapple, red onion, red pepper, green pepper, and corn on the cob to GRILL! YUM! I could eat that everyday, no problem. I am a little tired, and I feel a little "down", but I honestly think that is more from just being a little overwhelmed emotionally, not what is going on physically.

Which leads to the next thing I was going to write about: Coming home from an awesome vacation where I didn't have to think about practical things, the calendar, or housework. I jumped back in way too fast because I felt like I had put some people off for long enough. Whew. Right now I honestly want to evaluate some of the things outside my home that I am doing. "Technically", I have the time to do many of these things, but is it taking my mind, attention, and patience away from my kids, home, husband, and walk with God? If I were to let years go by and not be "really here", I'd really have lost in this race. Total fail. That doesn't mean I'm not allowed to do anything outside my home!! I just need to constantly live with and pray through the tension of the balance and choose very, very carefully.

A few more pics for ya~from Epcot, my favorite! (Great field trip, homeschoolers!!)

 Selah and Jack ate in China...with chopsticks as you can see!

Yemi and I ate in Morocco. It was incredible...but I'd rather go to the real country of course!

Before we left for vacation, I watched Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead on Netflix. It is so good, and I highly recommend seeing it! There are a lot of documentaries about health on Netflix, and I'm not sure if all the information is true or not, but this one is a testimonial and it's impossible to miss the truth in it! Our bodies need a lot more "live" whole foods and a lot less of the stuff that has been through so much of a journey to our plate.


So, I've decided to do a 10 day fruit and vegetable fast. I know that I need protein, grains, and other stuff as well, and will add that back in after the 10 days, but it's my hope to finish off the 10 days, "detoxed", and with a new fresh vision for whole food eating.


My hopes are to back off (if not totally get off of) the acid reflux meds I take, and I also really hope to stop having anaphylactic allergic reactions. I periodically have these crazy reactions and I don't know if it's food, something in a med or supplement, or my environment. Because they are such different types of reactions than what I have to cats, dust, etc., I believe it is something I am ingesting. Also, of course I hope to see if any changes happen to my body and weight. I'm planning to simply walk 30 minutes a day, which is less than what I normally do for exercise, and drink plenty of water like I normally do.


Today is my first day. I had fun stocking up on fruits and veggies at the grocery, and I also have some other good whole foods for my family to eat, like fish, brown rice, chicken, zone bars, whole grain cereal, cheese, and almond milk. Yep, that was my grocery list! So easy! Those of you that know me, you know I already eat well and feed my family whole foods, but I had started to slip a little. Before vacation, we ate out a couple times a week, and there were a few too many granola bar type snacks being consumed instead of fruits and veggies. Now, I am excited about making sure there is a serving (for everyone) of a fruit and a veggie every time we eat. Here's my plan:


Kids Breakfast: cereal, milk, fruit/spinach smoothie   
        Lunch: cheese, wheat crackers (triscuits), green peppers, strawberries
        Snack: almonds, raspberries, broccoli and dip
        Supper: fish or chicken, rice or quinoa, salad with lots of other veggies and fruits cut up in it
       (I am really blessed that my kids love fruits and veggies, mainly raw ones. I realize I'm lucky, but I also believe that if they are trained to eat these things first before they get any other food, they'll get used to it and even prefer it. My kids at Disneyworld were always choosing fruit over cupcakes and broccoli over other buffet stuff. I wouldn't even do that!)


My diet will mainly be fruit/spinach smoothies, big salads (I splurged on Craisins to help me!), and any fruits and veggies I want. 


 It certainly does make things simple.


I'm going to try to get on here everyday to write about how I'm doing...It'll be some accountability. Let me know if you want to do it with me! When I'm done with the 10 days, I'm already thinking about how to possibly stay at something like 75% f & v daily, and one day a week, like Saturday or Sunday, be an off day to have the stuff that is a "sometimes" food as I tell my kids. Feel free to follow! I doubt it's going to be easy, and I wouldn't mind to have the company!

Our Family Vacation

I thought I'd put a few pictures on my blog--it's been forever since I've done that! We got home from a family trip to Florida last night; it was so much fun and we made a lot of memories together. :)

 EEYORE!! They all pretended to be all sad and disappointed like Eeyore, but that is pretty hard to do at Disney!

 CINDERELLA!! As I've said before, I'm not "into" Disney or the princesses, and I don't even let the kids watch most of the movies, but Cinderella is a winner through and through.

 BUZZ LIGHTYEAR!! Dad and I scored like crazy on this ride...never mind that the ride got stuck right in front of a target for 10 minutes...

 Jack and Selah rode Splash Mountain together, after much drama...and it was worth it. Her favorite ride!

 Chef Mickey's was an awesome breakfast buffet and the kids got to spend lots of time with Mickey, Minnie, Donald (not Daffy, JACK!), Pluto, and Goofy. Very fun, and very yummy.

 I do wonder if the characters get tired of 1,000 lips heading their way every day!

 At the airport--the kids first airplane ride that they can actually remember!

 Jack and I got to have a date--an awesome meal outside during sunset and a walk on the beach...Ah...

 One of my favorite moments: Yemi meeting Tiana and asking her to dance. They danced and talked for a long time! And Tiana told Yemi she could come back someday and work in her restaurant. Yemi told everyone she met from then on out that she'd be coming back to work in Tiana's restaurant!

The whole trip was thanks to my wonderful, fun, and generous Mom and Dad. And we all would add to that a huge thanks to the LORD!

Today I just have a moment, but wanted to write a quick word. I have found myself thinking so many times about our Song of Solomon Bible Study that has been over for a month, and one of the things that has stood out to me is finally understanding just a smidge of SOS 8:6--

"Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame."

Here's the smidge that is echoing in my mind, and giving such focus and peace every time I lack it (which is often!...

In the first line, our heart represents our affections, both affections we are craving and affections we are offering. Our heart represents what matters to us deep down, who we are in the secret. Everything in our life overflows out of this heart, and this is the heart God is speaking of when He says, "Love the Lord your God with all of your heart..." But I veer off. I forget. I don't choose to get filled by Him sometimes, and my life begins to wither, like a branch severed from the vine. It shows up in my energy, my attitude, everything, because it is a literal connection--my Life is in Christ, and while He is always here with me, I can easily ignore that and therefore not receive those sweet benefits of connection with Him daily.

Also, in that first line, there's this: "Place me like a seal over your heart." A seal means the authority, the ownership, the protection. He is a seal, a piece of armor and hope, set upon my heart! He wants to protect my heart, keeping it from giving its focus and affections and desires to things other than Himself (like concerns about what I can or can't do, or just busyness!) This is my prayer: "Lord, place Yourself today as a seal over my heart! Keep my heart beating, fully ALIVE because of my connection with You."

So then in the second line, our arm represents our work, our strength, how we use our times, talents, resources, and energy. Our arm is perhaps what others see us do, our work among men. The heart and then the arm is like the first commandment, with the second coming after yet being equal! We love Him...and therefore we also love our neighbor. So our arm is important, too, and just as we need "His seal" upon our heart, oh how we need His seal upon our arm!!!

His love and jealousy for us is so strong that it can be compared to death. What this says to me is that it's pretty strong, pretty final; it's something none of us can change or do anything about when it happens...It's out of our hands. He wants us that much, and like any jealous lover, He's happy to put His seal on us if we'll let Him! His love burns like a mighty flame that never goes out.

It is easy to find myself being a flickering flame for Him, just from being tired or busy or whatever...but when I remember that I don't have to do anything but come warm myself by that fire, and just be loved, WOW! That stirs something in me. If I am "found burning", it will be because He was relentless in His fiery love for me first.

Cinderella

I am much too practical to be a fairy tale (not to mention Disney princess) kinda girl...but oh my goodness...I was swept away last night. Let me tell you about it.

First of all, on Tuesday I got an email from Show Hope saying that grant recipients (which is us, because 3 years ago we received a grant for our adoption) were welcome to come (for free) to Steven Curtis Chapman's Spring Celebration, which was a production of Cinderella with the Nashville Symphony. It was actually odd that we could go at all because Jack has worked nights now for a year, BUT Wednesday was to be his last 2nd shift day and the concert was on Thursday! Hallelujah! So we reserved the tickets, bought tiaras for my princesses' little heads, and arrived at the Symphony in downtown Nashville last night at 6.

After the concert, all the grant recipients that were present went up on stage with SCC. It was so moving to see these families and know that each one of them could tell incredible stories of long and tedious journeys...journeys that proved in their hearts the faithfulness and love of God. A little boy named Yo Yo from China sang a beautiful and clear as a bell duet with SCC, and much to my surprise, I know his mother, Anna, and got to meet up with her for the first time in forever! I had met her several summers when I did mission work with my youth group and we had stayed in touch for a little while...but that was a long, long time ago!

So, some of the things I have to write about...my cup is overflowing...

1-The story of Cinderella itself is just about the only "princess" story I like, because it has always had a good message, but some of the dialogue from the play last night really stood out to me. It is actually a very prophetic allegory to Jesus and His Bride! We don't really belong here, we were created for more and better than this world, things are not fair--just like in Cinderella's house--and our Prince is looking for us. He actually says to Cinderella at the Ball, "I have all the servants I need, I really just want someone to talk to." That is Jesus speaking to His Bride! He wants someone to confide in, someone to listen to His heart and share in all that is in it. I felt last night that God was speaking directly to me. He's sweeping us away from all this mess, in the spiritual realm right now, if we'll turn our hearts to Him, and when the time comes, on the Wedding Day, YES! The unseen will become seen and we will be literally swept off our feet. I'm living for that. That is where my hope lies.

2-Cinderella represents the oppressed and forgotten and abused all over the world. As the Prince and Jesus say, "Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect." I *have* always been treated with kindness and respect, and I am indignant when someone is not, but still it was a good reminder to me. Also, it gave me even more desire to advocate for children, adopt, sponsor, and share what ministries like Show Hope, IJM, World Vision, and Compassion are doing for children worldwide. We're gonna hope to the very end.

3-Last night, I was struggling a little bit in my heart. Ever since I saw Steven Curtis Chapman's concert about 10 years ago, when he told the story of Jim Elliot/Nate Saint/Mincaye, I have had this silly little dream. And even more so now that they started Show Hope and we have that passion in common, I have wanted to tour with him or have him hear a few of my songs and maybe use them. How embarrassing to even say it out loud, as if I'm even in that league of musician. I know that I am not, obviously! I don't want to be a famous musician, I don't want to have a tour or travel with anyone else; what I dream of is to be able to have a platform to share my songs about social justice, hope, and adoption with people. SO...going last night to this big thing was sort of a reminder of what I'm not. Jack reminded me that it isn't that I want to be "big time", it's just that God has given me a message and like anyone with a prophet's heart I'm jealous for a place to share it. Either way though, I really had to dig my way back to the shining truth: I live to gaze upon the face of Jesus. I do not live to have people listen to me or like my music. I turn my focus to the Lord, and while I am doing that I become complete and filled up with Him and don't have room for caring about my influence or accolades. Pride doesn't necessarily mean you think you're something. It may mean you wish you were something. The sentence that brings me back, that digs my way back to truth is Heidi Baker's quote: "I'm just a little laid down lover in the dirt." That brings it home for me. That's all I *want to* want to be.

4- And speaking of pride and humility, I was so touched by these beautiful families, several who had brought home special needs children. I thought, "These are the true heroes." Priorities and values and what's important in my mind must shift. It has, but it needs to even more. God sets the stars in the sky to shine...and He sets us exactly where we are to do the same. Steven and Mary Beth Chapman are making a huge difference in the world. I don't even know how they handle being such world changers, knowing their wise decisions, faithful life, and stewarding everything from talent to grief so well, has been such a blessing to the Kingdom. They are shining like stars in the exact location God set them. Other heroes of the faith are unknown moms and dads who take in foster kids or adopt from orphanages, who really don't have an easy life at all because of the decisions they have made for the Kingdom. People don't understand why they do it, why they choose the hard way. No glamour, no acknowledgement. They really are the feet of the Body--on the ground, doing the hard work, unnoticed, because who notices feet and yet feet keep us standing. They are shining like stars in the exact location God set them.

It's a lot for me to chew on. I want to adopt again, I want to do a lot of things, but I need to understand my place in the Body and my location to shine. And I know that knowing Him will be the key...We seek Him first and all things fall in place.

Lyrics and Chords

Hey Friends!

Just in case someone comes to this site looking for lyrics/chords to my new CD, here's the 411. First of all, I haven't had time yet to type them up and post them. I'm sorry! But when I do have time to type and post them, they will be at www.lyricsandchordsbylyndsay.blogspot.com

Currently, there are lyrics and chords on that site, but none from the new CD. Feel free to ask for specific songs to be put up first by going to my Facebook music page and requesting. Thanks!

Lyndsay

A Little Fenelon

I have been meaning to share some quotes from books I've been reading lately. It's a shame for me to not blog simply because I have nothing original to say. When have I ever had anything original to say anyway? This book, 100 Days in the Secret Place, has been by my side along with my Bible and a couple other books for about five years now. It is incredible. It keeps speaking to me of a deeper walk with the Lord, a stiller mind, and a more crucified self-love. This is so good!

This is from Fenelon, who was a French Archbishop in the Catholic Church and writer in 1715, which doesn't mean anything in particular to me except that his faith was very real and Biblical, and it's exciting to see how centuries don't change a single thing about faith and relationship with God...

"Make a habit of bringing your attention back to God on a regular basis. You will then be able to quiet all your inner commotion as soon as it starts to be churned up. Cut yourself off from every pleasure that does not come from God. Seek God within, and you will undoubtedly find Him with peace and joy. Be more occupied with God than anything else. Do everything with the awareness that you are acting before God and for His sake. At the sight of God's majesty, calmness and well-being should fill your spirit. A word from the Lord stilled the raging sea and a glance from Him to you, and from you to Him, will do the same for you."

Each sentence of this paragraph stabs me, in a good way. Today especially I am thinking of "Do everything with the awareness that you are acting before God and for His sake." Disciplining the kids, disciplining myself, my thoughts, words, actions, reactions...He is my audience, He is the recipient, am I doing these things unto Him and in a way that would glorify Him? Baby steps. No condemnation. But I see what a powerful and good question that is. It is a focus and direction I have asked for. I'm so indebted to Grace in this journey to know Him and align my life with His way!

Seasons...

So, what a crazy crazy winter we have had, and I'm thrilled that spring is coming early! Seasons are changing in more ways than one. We've worked a lot on our house, and when spring comes, there are more projects to do outside. Pictures to come! Also, over the winter the CD was finished, and if you haven't seen the Facebook invite, please consider this your personal invitation to come to the CD Release Party on March 25th. It's at the Nexus Building (where the Bridge Community meets) on 6746 S. Wilson Rd., Etown, from 2-4 p.m. I will be doing some songs from the CD and sharing some history behind them...plus we'll just be eating and having fun. I'm planning to have some coloring tables and stuff for the kids, so everyone is very welcome. The songs should be available online in various places like iTunes in the next month as well, or you could order a "real" copy from www.cdbaby.com.

So I'm the worst blogger ever because it has been a long time since I've really written. My journal feels neglected, too. I think I'm coming into a new season of my life, and I'm coming into it excited but also...I'm not nervous, not tentative, and not skeptical...I'm just coming into it cautiously. In the past I have been a "doer". A runner, a worker, a crazy goal oriented girl for Jesus. I was missing His sweet face while I tried to get stuff done for Him, not realizing that "serving" Him and others was not equivalent to knowing Him, really. He rescued me from that misunderstanding that was sucking the life out of me, but that rescue took a long transformation period. The main factor in this period of time--that was really wonderful once I surrendered--was that I wasn't allowed to "do" anything that I thought of as being something purposeful or noble for God, especially anything that someone else would give me recognition for. How awesome! I got to shake all kinds of junk off of me through this period--the fear of man, the praise of man, worrying about being judged, judging others, activities and "good" things that God never specifically told me to involve myself in--gone.

So, that long period of fasting, you could say, from these things made some stuff in me suffer a nice long slow death. Those things that used to make up who I thought I was were starved to death! My surrender sounded like this: "God, it's your life anyway. It's not mine. I was just trying to live it for you, but if you'd rather me just stay home or just be in my bed sick, or just raise these kids and not do anything else, that's YOUR BUSINESS! I will do that! Cool! I'm off the hook for all that other stuff because You aren't providing the strength, resources, ability, time, etc, to do any of it, plus You're forbidding me to do it anyway!"

Okay, why am I going into all this detail?

Because NOW, and only now, after going through this period of God killing me and then raising me back up a new creature, I have a good story to tell. Now I have a bolder voice and something to say about knowing Him and making knowing Him our everything...no exceptions, nothing tying for first place. I have learned this because I have now lived this: When we make knowing Him our only goal and priority, in our heart of hearts forsaking all other reasons to live, an internal miracle happens. The only things that can hurt in us are the things that are still alive! If they are crucified--all we wanted out of life, even all we hoped to do for His glory--then when things don't go "well", we don't suffer. Our only suffering is when we are losing sight of His face. Priorities get in order, confusion and what others think disappears, and we begin to really embrace this Colossians 3 "life hidden in Christ." Intimacy with Him happens and puts every worldly thing in its proper place. I want to live this and I want to share it! It's fine with me if I do not have opportunities but I sense them coming. And I can get freaked out about it, or I can just relax and know that God has prepared me, that the very point of my testimony is what I have to rely on RIGHT NOW as He gives opportunities to share!

Also, and this is the part I'm cautious about, just as God clearly and tenderly led me AWAY from church services (never the Body, just the building) now He is clearly and tenderly leading me back. It took so long to unwind myself from the old thoughts and feelings I had wrapped around my position/standing/reputation/talents/gifts/service in the church. I never want to go back to that kind of stuff even being on my radar! Martha Kilpatrick says she wants to be unaware and uninterested in regard to God using her or not. Exactly. Because I don't have TIME and ATTENTION to put on myself and what difference I may or may not be making. I only have time and attention and eyes for Jesus! And that's what I know He has raised me up for, to live to know Him: in my home and out of my home, on a stage or sitting in the nursery with other moms, cleaning the toilet or speaking at a conference. It's all the same. It's all the same! And I'm terrified that I will forget that. I know I am a nobody. I know that I have no reason to be afraid that some kind of public attention will go to my head. It's embarrassing to even share that I have this fear, but that is a practice God told me to put into place--look for opportunities to share something truthful about myself with others that is embarrassing. That's an opportunity to go low, and I need those! Pride has to be dismantled even in people who don't think they're all that great...because there's that secret place in most of us that would like to be great. And there is only One who is Great.

Whew. So I go forever without a blog, then I come back with that. But this is the season I'm walking into it, and I guess that's what a blog is for! Thanks for reading, and I would appreciate your prayers!

Been A While

Wonder how many blogs I have titled that...

So, wow. I have had a crazy month, and I don't do crazy. It just doesn't work for me. But I have to say the Lord has held me up! In the past, crazy months leave me really messed up physically, spiritually, emotionally. It definitely was different this time, praise the Lord! I feel great and the things I was supposed to focus on even during the craziness remained in view. That feels good. Miraculous...a product of the Living Word...evidence of the Holy Spirit...good.

It was crazy because for two weeks we worked on finishing up the recording. FUN! But early in the morning (for me)...running kids to sitters...trying to come home and homeschool...Jack was starting a new job and a new schedule...Then after those two weeks, our "handyman" was ready to do the list of jobs at our house (basically a complete remodel of the basement) and we had workmen arriving at 8:30 every morning for a good week or so. I had deadlines for my part in the work, like "paint this before we can do this" type stuff. So I painted 5 days straight in my "free time." Free time. HA!

But when I came downstairs today, which is still chaos and there's a good week of work still to be done, I remembered what songs I was worshipping and communing with the Lord with in each corner and wall I painted. One day in particular that I painted a full eight hours (I guess I am slow because my house is not that big!), the Lord said, "Since you're here to worship Me, it doesn't really matter what your hands are doing...you're where you're supposed to be." That helped me to stop the rush and just be where I was. That little lesson will be useful on other discontent days for sure.

It's laughable that I can sum this month up into such a small post. There are some really neat things I want to blog about later, but this is the gist. Ultimately, I'm thrilled that these tasks are coming to an end (basement...there's light at the end...) or have come to an end (the CD is in production and whoever wants one will get to purchase on March 25th)! But it is in those crazy times that (well, perhaps directly afterwards) I re-evaluate priorities, schedules, relationships, etc. and make sure that learning to love, being still and not missing chunks of people's lives, caring about others needs, being a forerunner and prayer warrior and worshipper, knowing and adoring the Love of my Life, are the bulk of my existence!

I am an overachiever. There are days that cartoons, balancing the checkbook, and eating pizza are the bulk of my existence! But I want a life that is thrown away on the things that matter to God no matter how wasteful it may seem to the world. When things are crazy, yes, things get done. That's good... when the Lord says "Do." While I was "doing", I was getting a chance to practice His presence and we were running together not separately, but it still felt like it was on a bit of a surface level and I can't take that for too long personally. This girl needs some serious quiet space to process and abide and remember and get my little head straight. :)

What I Learned From Movies Growing Up

So, let's process this together, shall we?

I have felt in my spirit this desire to REVOLT against the system of this world, and obviously there are people like me in every generation...many of you reading this are those very people. We want to raise our children differently, we want to stop the "slow fade" that happens when we let sin creep in little by little so slowly that it goes undetected, we want to hold our decisions up to the standard of the Word at the risk of looking old fashioned and "under the law"...right?

Well, I brought up a lot of different ideas and issues there, but I want to talk about what we teach our kids and invite into their (and our) minds with the stuff placed in front of their eyes and ears, both good and bad and in-between. What goes in our eyes and ears makes it into our thought life. What makes it into our thought life is often repeated, making certain thoughts habitual, and those thoughts of course affect how we feel and what we even believe about life, ourselves, others, God, what we deserve and expect, everything. We don't even realize it usually, but we were forced to realize it when our daughter Selah was just about 2 years old.

We had all the Disney princess movies and watched all kinds of movies as long as they didn't have cussing, violence, or blatant sensuality, I thought they were no big deal. I watched them growing up, and I was fine, right? Not really. Let me tell you what most of the movies and after-school-teenager- type TV shows did for me... and what they started to do for my daughter who as luck would have it is twice as sensitive as even I am. (And I am super sensitive.)

I learned from these shows and movies which were totally G rated that it was okay to disobey my father because he was just being overprotective. I learned it was okay to go behind his back and date guys he was wise enough to say no to for me when I didn't have the maturity to say no to them for myself. It won't take you long to think about which Disney movies in particular promote this!! And of course those movies, in the end, confirm that the daughter was right to rebel and run off to chase the man of her dreams instead of living under the protection and authority of her dad.

I learned that I needed to be uber-beautiful and desirable with tiny feet, fabulous hair, and a 24 inch waist. I learned that this was very important...to be prettier than average, and if you weren't, you weren't special. People would still love you and find good things to praise you for, but there was something extra special about being extra beautiful. There were just a few who got this honor.

I learned that it was okay to watch scary things, even watching people or characters die. I learned it was okay to feel scared and go to bed thinking about it, giving a foothold, almost literally, for the enemy to climb in and do what he does to so many kids through nightmares...mainly because even though the images aren't as violent as we adults know violence can be, it is stuff little minds just cannot process and so their brain will process all night long if need be.

I want to be honest in saying that the most damage that was done were these two things: One, I learned that the most valuable relationship for a girl to have would be with the boy who chose and loved her. How many of these princesses even have friends who are girls??? There is no focus on the development of any other relationships really. How warped is that--its like we are telling our daughters through habitually watching movies with romantic themes that they have one goal in life and that is to get a man to choose her and love her. (And once he does, even though they hardly know each other, all her problems are resolved because they live happily ever after.) This is dangerous for SO many reasons! First of all, that's not why we were created! Second, what if it's not even God's plan for that daughter to have a husband? She has been set up for misery from day one. Third...that's coming up next.

The second damaging thing was: I learned from watching these movies and shows how to be utterly incapable of just being simply buddies with a male. How many of these princesses have a boy character in the movie who is truly just a friend with no innuendos and no foreshadowing to what they may be??? Other than Tinkerbell, I honestly cannot think of one. Every guy from 12 years old up was a potential something to me. That's a hard habit to break when that's how you've viewed guys up until marriage...And of course we can't leave our young men out here. I can't even begin to imagine what we're teaching our sons about how to view and choose a woman of true beauty, and how to view every female they meet up until marriage. Whew.

So...it feels good to process all of that, because I want to be mindful and aware of how the enemy sneaks in and steals purity. He knows we hate blatant sexual stuff, violence, nasty language--he knows we have the sense to not let our kids watch that. But what about the message that is coming from our and their "favorites"?

I have a couple of suggestions...One, we don't just cut off internet and netflix from our houses necessarily (unless God is telling you to!) We sit down as a family and set our standards. Two, we make checks and balances to make sure everyone is kept accountable and we stick to our standards. I know on netflix there's no way to erase the "Recently Watched" so there is accountability there. We can have passwords on our computers or keep the computer in the living room where there are more people. Three, we definitely do not let the kids watch TV or even a video completely alone (unless it's a tried and true favorite that we have screened for all these issues). Maybe as adults we should also be careful about what we watch alone!! I think I have gotten sloppy in what I allow into my mind. I have my standards I won't cross but there's a very good chance they are not strict enough. With the kids for sure we need to be there with at least one ear and one eye on the media so we can pause it and talk about stuff to needs to be discussed (or fast forward or turn it off completely!) Maybe they will surprise us and say, "Mom or Dad, I actually don't think I should be watching this based on those standards we set the other day!" I think this is where we go past the old thing of sheltering them but never explaining the protection and the reason behind it. We want to save them from images, thoughts, habits, fear, sin, wrong expectations of relationships and life and themselves because everything they take in is making our/their worldview and let's face it, for many of us either now or in the past, haven't seen how seriously invaded our/their minds are. Four, I really think that watching a show or movie once isn't the end of the world (unless its just terrible). Its more of the "my kids watch this on repeat" or "this is her favorite movie, I let her watch it every day"...oh my gosh. I'm not sure there is a single movie on the planet, except for maybe Veggie Tales, that I would let my kids watch that often now that I know what I now and am clued in to how we "become what we consume". And if we don't become it, we wish we could.

So, maybe I'll sleep better tonight having processed through this. I have so much to learn but I am so glad God is making me more aware. Good night!