Happy New Year!

I absolutely love New Year. It is so much fun to start new ideas, put new practices into place, have a bit of a challenge. There are several priorities on my heart on a continual basis (actually more than I can really handle yet I will persevere by God's grace) but these are two extras for this year...

One of the things I'd like to do is a weekly blog entry that will go along with our worship set at church each Sunday. I blogged about this last week--I want to go through the whole Bible, pulling out the instances that God revealed He was all about intimacy between Himself and mankind. Characters, stories, passages, proof. I started it last Sunday, and I will blog this week about Week 1: Adam and Eve! My call to lead worship and sing/song write isn't primarily about music; it is primarily about revealing the heart of God to the world and perhaps even more so to the Bride that He is jealous for. I really hope that this 52 Sundays idea will be Holy Spirit written!

Another thing for this year is going to be quite a challenge, but I have a fellowship of ladies who are doing it together and that is GO SUGAR & WHITE FLOUR FREE! I really want this. I want it because sweets are too important to me, because my weight and health isn't good, and because I need to be free from the battle. Why total elimination instead of moderation? Because I've had 34 1/2 years to eat sugar moderately and I still haven't gotten it under control, and because it's just too serious and dangerous to play around with anymore. Blogs, interviews, and links to come on this!

I want to share this real quick...I ran across this little piece of paper in my Bible today. It was from when I went through the Bible Study "Believing God" at least 7 years ago. It said: "I'm believing God: 1) For victory in my every day life--schedule, balance, ministry, family, etc. 2)That He will accomplish in and through my life His perfect will, and my part in that plan, and that He would give me peace about it."

At that time, I didn't have peace or clarity about my life, but He really did answer that prayer! So my prayer for YOU and for all of us who are seeking a deeper walk with Jesus, is that we would have victory and peace in our every day lives, and have peace about our part in His plan.  May the things we set our minds and hearts to be acts of obedience, because if they are, there is success in the journey. Amen, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It's All About You, Jesus

God is so good. This is one of those mornings I needed Him to break through my "self" and teach me something that would make a big difference in my heart...and He did.

It's Christmas Eve and I do usually love the holidays, but with adrenal fatigue, not sleeping very well the past couple months, and also just being an introvert who needs significant times of quiet and alone time in between activities, over the past couple years I have more of a "hold on tight and get through it" kind of feeling about Christmas. This year I said no to several gatherings and opportunities. I've hardly done any baking or cooking. My shopping was done throughout the year so no marathon shopping days for me. But still, here in the home stretch of Christmastime, I am exhausted and not exactly feeling the love for this blessed season! I went to bed thinking last night that I might not make it to our big Mulhall Family Christmas Eve in Louisville.

This morning, Jack said, "You know, Lyndsay, the way we feel right now is like the way Mary and Joseph felt on the first Christmas. It's kind of appropriate that we are tired and things are crazy and it's just not entirely comfortable..."Then we did our family devotion from Ps. 118:1 -- good news! His love endures forever-!- and we prayed.

And all this culminated in me having such a peace that my expectations of how I will feel on Christmas, both physically and emotionally, is absolutely not the point. My comfort level at people's houses is not the point. For a few days, I surely can keep my eyes on the precious Reason for this season and turn my eyes away from how loud it is or how I don't feel good or how I want to go home a little earlier than I can. It's not about me.

I know of at least two families who have lost a loved one in the past day or two. This Christmas is not about them eating pie and being where they want to be. No one wants to be at a funeral home on Christmas. We'll be going to the nursing home tomorrow--ironically, a place I've grown very comfortable in! But there will be people there without gifts and without family. They don't want to be there. Tons of friends of mine and their kids are sick and probably won't get to travel and see grandparents this Christmas because of the flu.

Christmas isn't about us though. Whatever state we find ourselves in this Christmas, just like we are learning to do in our normal daily trials of life, let's turn our faces and abide in Christ.

A Blog about Blogging

Ok...So I have an idea! I am really excited about it and hope I can keep with it. Sometimes I forget things I started. I have so many papers laying around to remind me what I'm supposed to be doing, but I eventually stop looking at them. But the idea...

I have had the privilege and challenge of leading songs at a church (Journey: A Community of Grace, in Louisville) for about nine months now. I'm seeing how my different gifts and experiences are being used now on a weekly basis; I'm seeing that leading worship is about way more than singing, playing, and keeping a band together. My strongest spiritual gifts are encouragement and teaching, and those naturally come out in the worship leader position. I have one task and it is from the Lord--I am to be a friend to the Bridegroom. As His friend, I am to hear His heart, declare His love, and urge the Bride into deeper fellowship until He returns. And that is why I call it a privilege and a challenge!

So the idea I have that I think the Lord has laid on my heart is to start at Genesis and go through the Bible looking for characters and stories that reveal God's heart for intimacy with mankind. Who really knew Him? What did He say to them? How does He show in His Word how He feels about us? Sort of as a side note, when it comes up in Scripture, I also want to include this thought: How is music - worshipping through singing and playing instruments, dancing, clapping, raising hands, putting prayers to tunes - useful in this intimacy with God?

Each week, I want to highlight a different character and passage of Scripture in this blog and then share that main idea also on Sunday morning. We come to church sometimes a little out of it. We come to every day sometimes a little out of it, do we not? We need something to stir our hearts and remind us of what matters, or at least I know I do! And what matters is nearness, communion, with the Lover of our souls. My prayer is that in highlighting these passages about deep and genuine relationship with God we will see a seamless living love story...and that we will choose to go all in, making it our story, rearranging life until it is truly His living in us.

In-between Advents

Today we had a precious family day. It started by going to church and worshipping the King...the baby in the manger who grew up to become the man of sorrows...the One who will return on a white horse, His robe dipped in the blood of the nations.

This is what it looks like in-between Advents. 

We celebrate His coming but we also fast and pray for His return. If ever there was a time of joy and sorrow intertwined, it is now.  We're aware, painfully aware, especially this week, that Jesus came to bring wholeness but not all receive it. Joy and sorrow. And we also become aware, as we should remain, that God is holding back His justice and wrath for the day Isaiah tells us of, when He returns this time a powerful warrior setting up a Kingdom we can see with our own eyes.  Again, joy and sorrow. 

As a worship leader, Advent is not an easy thing to lead through because it's a celebration of God coming in the flesh as a living love story but it's also the careful waiting for His return, the sitting on the edge of our seat trying to not lose sight of our hope in His heart for justice! Sometimes it takes a tragedy for us to really wake up to our need for His return. Sometimes it takes a glimpse of darkness to snap us out of our stupor of whatever we were thinking about and making our lives about that had so very little to do with the heart cry of God. 

But this is what it looks like in-between Advents. This is the place in history we find ourselves. We have to get adjusted in this seat of sorrow and joy forever intertwined because they will not be separated until the King returns. Why do I harp on this so much? I know I have been saying the same thing for years, in blogs, songs, conversations, prayer. I harp on it so much because I think that if the Church can get adjusted to this seat of joy and sorrow, this harmony of shout-out-loud thankfulness for His first coming and steady commitment to whatever is on His heart in His second coming, we will be poised to truly be His hands and feet here. We won't be confused and wading through the dark, blending in with the world in every way.  We will have correct, Biblical expectations regarding our health, our families, our safety, our money, and our callings, talents, and careers. We will understand we are not here for ourselves, to make a sweet little life and a good little name. We will not forget that we are strangers here, and here for a purpose that we might not even get to see or understand because it isn't for us.

Understanding, embracing, expecting this...it changes the heart over time. What will the heart of the church look like if this change occurs? I believe we will see a gratefulness for every little blessing, every tiny little gift like a pink sunset or a good piece of fruit will be a surprise that we realize we didn't deserve. I believe we will have willingness instead of fear regarding losing our earthly possessions and comforts and even our lives, because we are so attached to our unseen Home. We will just think, "Oh the joy of having One Thing that can never be taken from me." And lastly I believe we will have a generosity and openness like we have only seen in lives such as the great missionaries, some still living, many who have gone before us. 

Jesus, we know You have promised to be with us...Your first coming changes everything. Help us first embrace that! And secondly, help us daily dwell with You, whatever You walk us through to the end.

A Slow Life

I am so grateful that I am able to stay home with my children and that we chose to homeschool. Not for the reason you might think, after what happened today in Connecticut...but because of this:

We live a slow life. We look each other in the eyes over and over, every day. We're kind of crazy about each other, and we say so. We write down the things the kids say. We take pictures every day. There's no way the girls and I couldn't know that the man of the house loves us and thinks we are beautiful.

I know of no other way to breathe in the days than being home together...studying what we feel is important and on a higher grade level, too...eating (usually) meals together each night that I can feel good about...not feeling rushed to get to bed.

The slow life allows for top priorities to be met. It makes room for scripture and prayer time as a family. It makes room for personal quiet times to be developed. It makes room for exercise, art, music, and strategic relationships. And it allows for days where we don't feel all that energetic and we just want to stay in our jammies. It allows for afternoons playing in the mud with the dog! It allows for TIME. A precious commodity.

I don't know how my girls will choose to live their lives when they grow up. They may become fast paced driven business women, and that's probably a fun option. Some people are made for that, and that feels like a life of no regrets to them! That's cool! It takes us all to make this global community work. But I feel very blessed to get a CHOICE of how I'm going to live my life and run my household.

As I was walking today, I was just thinking what a wonderful, remarkable (thanks to the Lord and my family and friends) life I have had. Sometimes I get bummed that certain parts of my life are over, or at least feel over for the time being. Each season of my life I have been wholeheartedly present, but never more so than now. This season of family...it's the most challenging but the most precious. It's worth fighting for. It's worth fighting the ways of this world for. I'm learning to love and persevere. I'm learning to pray and not just think and say that I pray. I'm teaching my girls some things in our calendar have to go so that more important things have space to expand...

Breathe in our lungs, Spirit of God, and let our lives truly be for You. I'm not saying I know how to do that...but I want to be still enough to see You move, quiet enough to hear You speak, slow enough to sense Your heart.

Were Our Hearts Not Burning?

I love the story in the Bible about the Emmaus road (Luke 24). How Jesus was walking with these disciples, these disciples who were confused and grieved over the events that had just come to pass. They explained to him that this wonderful prophet had been killed and now his body is missing, and they just didn't know what to make of it. Some believed He had been resurrected, some didn't. These guys sensed that this was a dark time for which they had no explanation and they didn't have any assurance it was going to get better.

So Jesus spent time with them...Just as He had always done with people, He hung out. Being the very Word of God, He spoke the same truth He always spoke. He told the love story from the beginning.

And after breaking bread with them, they realized who they had been with, and asked each other, "Were our hearts not burning within us?" Were our hearts...not...burning...within us?

Jesus' Spirit dwells in us. He has moved in. He is who He says He is in His Word, and the story is beyond my fairy tale dreams! This is for real. He loves us and wants to walk this road with us, every step of the way. Are our hearts not burning within us in acknowledgement of this reality? Burning with thankfulness...joy...desire for greater depth?

Sometimes when something big happens to someone that we don't know very well (but could have), don't we wish we knew them better? If it's a bad situation, we wish we were in their inner circle so we could minister to them in a meaningful way. If it's a good situation, we can celebrate for them from afar but we're not exactly invited to the party.  I think those Emmaus guys had hearts burning for relationship. They had been kind of on the outskirts, maybe onlookers to the whole Jesus story thing. Maybe they knew people who really knew Him though, and maybe they wished they had gotten in on it sooner.

When it comes to Jesus, there's no reason why some of us can be close and others cannot. Is your heart burning for relationship? Whether you consider yourself a believer or not, does your heart burn to get closer, to really get in on this thing? We're all in the same boat. We all need a Savior who will turn our face back to Him over and over again...who will lead us back to the fire of His love as our flames begin to flicker dimly out here...

I want to offer this last thought--Life is too short and people's opinions are too fickle for you to hold back and resist offering Him your ALL! In praise and worship, in sharing His love story with others, in using your gifts, and more than any of those things, in connection with Him in the quiet of your heart and mind, BURN! Burn all day and all night. Get close to the fire and you'll always have enough.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIQiOKcS_uU

A Day Without Time

A few days ago, I had a little homeschoolin' momma/house wife epiphany. What if I could do my days without time?

Some days there are things we have to go to at a certain time, but actually, that's not the norm for me and my kids. We protect our days and evenings, because of my fatigue and sleep situation, but also because we want to not be running around busy. We want to be intentional in what we're doing, who we're with...

For me, this means that I get up when I get up (within reason, there is an alarm clock set at the latest possible waking time!) Then I have a little list of things I want to do, each taking between 5 and 15 minutes. It has been so awesome to actually do these first thing in the morning instead of wearing out and not having time for it later in the day. Here's my personally muy importante steps: Open the Word and spend some time in reading, specific prayer, giving thanks. Make the bed. Grab the mini-vac and clean up a little dog hair! (So simple but it makes me really happy to not have to see it all day!) Hit the mat and do a few stretches and exercises. (Don't be impressed, we're talking 5 minutes here.) Put on clothes and shoes and coat and take the dog for a romp outside right in front of our house since the kids are home. AH. So many issues taken care of head on! All this time, the girls have a list of things they can be doing on their own to help their day run smoothly. For all you morning people who are thinking, "Lyn, where's the epiphany? This is what normal people do..." I am telling you, I am not normal!

Then it's some hot tea and breakfast, and school with Selah/Yemi however long it takes. Because we ate breakfast whenever, then lunch can be eaten when school is done (because we would never ever do schoolwork for longer than 3 hours). Lunch is simple and we get at least 3 of our F & V servings in. After lunch, I just want to play and spend time with my kids. I fail at this A LOT. When they're playing or watching a show, I do work...but I want to change that. I remind myself there is time for that later. So when we're tired of playing, a snack and then it's what I like to call Soul Restoration time. We go to our rooms and do our thing...Sleep, chill, play quietly...For me, I might rest, blog, sing, spend more time in the Word, exercise. All good things for my little introvert soul. This is usually when Selah has her quiet time, but she might start having it first thing since she'll have some free time then.

When we're done with that, we need to focus on housework and cooking dinner. I think my kids should have things they can do to help. Working on that. We eat supper with a devotion, do game night or movie night or just hang out, and then it's been dark for a little while already and it's time to go to bed! After they go to bed, Jack and I are so blessed to have some time to chill...and not looking at the clock, when I feel tired and sleepy I am not fighting it. It's fun to get in bed and see what time it is. :)

What I Am Thankful For

November is almost over and I haven't written my thankfulness list yet...But I am ever and always pondering on the list, because it is long and I am truly grateful. Here are a few things I daily am thinking are lifesavers and lifechangers...

*My dear Jesus. He is my Life. I feel like I am truly blessed because I have embraced, fully believed and accepted, His great love for me. I am His Beloved and so I'm happy!
*My husband. He really accepts me for who I am.
*My darling little girls. They make me smile so much! They have a future of hope and destiny.
*Our house which is a home. This home enables us to have freedom to serve the Lord more. It's a refuge. It's our home base. So thankful God didn't allow us to move like I asked.
*Our vehicles, both of which were a gift! Wow, I know!
*The renovations and stuff we have gotten to do to the house this year, some out of necessity, some just because it would make our lives more functional and easier. The newest one is a fence. We don't have a backyard so the kids play in the front and I can't leave them alone for a minute; it's stressful. Now we are having a fence made...It's beautiful and a perfect corral for kids, friends, dog, whatever!
*Our extended family being near and wonderful. My mom watching the kids once a week so I can work.
*Oh, that reminds me...My church and part time job worship leading! Yes! God has surprised me with this blessing and I am growing in several ways through this opportunity to do more with music.
*Homeschooling, FAITH, and My Father's World curriculum.
*Knowing that in my least favorite season (because when I'm cold, my muscles get really tense and my skin gets really awful) I have a warm bed, home, hat, gloves, and coats!
*My friends!!! I am thankful to have so many people I can turn to for prayer, fun, talks, love! Old friends, new friends, they are from the Lord.
*And last...but not, well, yes, probably least, but still nice...Jack got a new computer and that means this laptop stays home now!! So great! That's why I've been blogging more, and it's a nice little luxury to have it when I want/need it.

So, happy belated Thanksgiving, and I pray we all remain in AWE and remembrance of all God has done for us.

Forgiveness

I think that in accepting ourselves, our pasts, our ups and downs, we grow a greater capacity to accept others. As much as it goes against my natural grain, I am learning to look at my own life and my own failures and what I lack personally and just kinda say, "Yep. That's what it is." With a bit of humor, with a bit of hope, and with a lot of acceptance of the fact that not every loose end is going to be tied up nicely and not every relationship is going to stay strong and not every goal is going to be realized. We can just be. And when we come to that place for ourselves, it's pretty neat how we can feel a peace and acceptance about how others have wronged or disappointed or even sinned against us.

In forgiveness, it doesn't mean we are agreeing with those people or saying we are happy those situations happened. It isn't saying, "Oh, I understand why you did that" or even "It's okay." Forgiveness, I think, just means that we are letting those people, ourselves, even our judgement toward God Himself, off the hook. We hold people up on this hook, we do. Call it a grudge, call it self protection, but we have people on our hook. And at any point, we can let them off of it. We can say, "I no longer condemn you for that" and we take them to and leave them with our Father who will deal with them however He sees fit. Wouldn't you want someone to do that for you? Set you free from their hook, with all the baggage, miscommunication, events preceding the conflict, that came with it? For someone to take me off their hook, love me despite what I may deserve, and carry me to Jesus in the privacy of their own prayer life and let Him deal with me how He sees fit, my hands off...I think that's Kingdom living.

Also, in forgiveness, I think we come to the place where we realize we are capable of just about anything. Given the right (or should I say wrong) circumstances, upbringing, indoctrination, pain, sleeplessness, and the list could go on, I must realize I am capable of the very worst. I'm capable of thinking I deserve something more than someone else and there selfishness breeds...I have no love, no patience, no kindness without the Lord constantly being my Source...I can be angry, prideful, and hateful, and not only can I be, I have been! This realization that we all come to, friends, is called humility.  It's called agreeing with the reality of what is. It's not giving up on being who God has called us to be, it's simply living in gratefulness and awareness of His grace... and our daily need for it.

Life is just too short. Sometimes you just have to say, "Bless your heart...I'm moving on...Thanks for this opportunity for me to learn about giving grace from the Well of grace I've received."

My Whole Life

Happy belated Thanksgiving, everyone! We had a beautiful day with family. One of our family traditions at the Mulhalls (my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, there are about 80 of us) is to stand in a big circle and say what we are thankful for. Selah thanked God for her parents, Grandy and GP, and her little sister, and said her life was wonderful. I thanked God for His Word, which has been such a foundation and refuge this year, for my solid and awesome parents, and for my husband and girls! Jack thanked God for how real He has been to us through the passing of his mom. And Yemi sort of took the cake...She said, "And I bless You, God, for my whole life."

And I bless You, God, for my whole life.

I get very swayed by my feelings. By my tasks and chores. By my frustrations about the house being dirty, my allergies going berserk, feeling too busy or too lazy. Feeling too alone or too overwhelmed with people, making plans and lists in hope of not making the same mistake twice. I often think about my past 34 years, or the 20 I remember well, and I feel sad about mistakes and some relationships, but I also feel so thankful for the stability and chances that I've had. I look ahead and think all kinds of crazy thoughts, like "I want to adopt more kids and focus just on raising a family" or the polar opposite, "Let's send these kids to school and we'll embark on a whole new world of work." Sure, these thoughts are real...these feelings are real...but they just aren't that important. My "whole life" just is what it is. And it is so much to hold deep gratitude for.

I can be thankful for the craziness...the times I lose balance...the running back to Truth...forgiveness and understanding of loved ones...new starts...what is instead of just what will be. I feel a renewed hope to just be what I am where I am, and I needed that. I tend to be an overachiever, and I need to take a deep breath every day and see what God has put in my lap and not try to create more. I made a list the other day (of course) of the basic necessities of my day. Since then, I haven't fulfilled all of them in one day but I truly believe that for my mental, emotional, spiritual, social, physical health, I should prioritize these things most days of the week. It's going to take some work and self-control, but in order to have the life I believe God wants for me, I have to put first things first. Those things are my "what is"...and everything else just may not be meant to be.

I bless you, God, for my whole life.

Christ In Us

So...I am finding myself awake and angry in the middle of the night. In the past couple of hours, I have prayed and poured my heart out to God. I'm too tired to cry and I'm sure my words are more like knowing glances. He hears and sees it all...what a sweet God we have. And I sense in return that right after a time of intensity with the Lord and family (such as this past week, with Jack's Mom's passing) this is when the enemy is going to attack. He is attacking with several familiar swords...but I have some pretty decent armor myself, and I'm writing right now to remind myself of this fact.

I come to this place, in the face of my enemy: I will choose to love and I will rely on the Lord for that love. When someone asks me for apples, I will go to the Lord and get said apples and bring them to that person. So many times I have thought I knew what "God's will" was for me, and I would come up with neat ways to "serve Him." But right now, even in this place of sadness and raw honesty, I know His will, really, is that I learn to love in the most difficult situations with the most difficult people. If I can't choose to do this in the private realm, what hope is there for believers like me out there trying to love and serve in the public realm?

Is it fake? No, it's Christ in us. It's choosing to not live by feelings. It's choosing to somehow care about someone else more than we care about ourselves. Sure, there are boundaries...and this choice weighs on a person, it's really heavy sometimes to bear up under...and it has to be chosen every new day, sometimes many times a day. So many scriptures come to mind the very moment I begin to think I don't have to choose to love: Accept one another, bear with one another, forgive one another...The alternative is not an option.

I put on my helmet of salvation to protect my thoughts. No self pity allowed, no "I deserve..." allowed. I put on my breastplate of righteousness. Fill my heart with love to overflowing, that will be my protection. An overflowing cup physically cannot allow anything else to take residence.
I put on my belt of truth.
I put on my shoes of the gospel of peace!  I will live out the gospel of peace.
I take up my shield of faith.
I take up my sword which is the Word of God.
Amen. Thank You, Jesus.

Give Me Jesus

Early this morning, Jack came home and woke me, telling me that his mom had went to be with Jesus. On Monday, the doctors had made it clear that her body couldn't take anymore and that we'd need to say our goodbyes. We took the kids with us and not knowing whether or not she could hear us, we poured our hearts out to her. And after we had all spoken, tears running down our faces, we heard her voice. She said, "I love you...I'm gonna be alright." A day or two later, she was talking more--even asked for tea, her favorite, which her dear son was willing to go buy an entire gallon of :)--but we knew, she was going to be alright in a different way than ever before.

I think I can speak for Jack, even though he has more of a grief process to go through than I do, and say that we are truly amazed by the presence of the Lord, the peace that surpasses all understanding. Paul in the New Testament speaks so much about death...let me paraphrase a bit. He says: "If there was no resurrection of Christ and therefore no resurrection of believers, how pitiful are we? Do we really just have hope for this life? No way, Hosea. Death, the worst thing the world can throw at us, is actually total victory for us. We are going to cross the finish line of this life and at that moment stand in the unspeakably perfect presence of Jesus. Don't you feel your body groaning in this tent? Your new body is waiting, at the right time. So live your life with Jesus here while you wait and you'll have no regrets when your time here is done." And as Jesus said in the book of John: "I have gone ahead to prepare a place for you! Oh, how do you get there, you ask? Well, no one comes to the Father except through me. I am the only way Home."

So, I just want to say--If you are reading this today and you aren't sure what it means to live your life with Jesus here, or when someone dies you do not have anything to hold onto, or if you aren't sure that you will go to Heaven, will you please email me and let me hear your heart? There is Life ahead, and I want you to have it confidently and joyfully. I don't know how to make it through life without Jesus...and He died so that none of us have to!

lyndsaytaylor@mac.com :)

Potential

I have had a good day under the circumstances. It is abundantly clear that when there is anxiety or waiting or things just being out of the ordinary, I will either eat a lot or clean a lot. Thankfully today was the cleaning a lot option. The last time I cleaned this much I was nesting and was rewarded with a baby a few days later. :) I think I'm not going to get anything this time besides clean windows and a raked yard.

But, actually, I'd like to take a minute and talk about a different kind of work going on...

Jack's mother is still in the hospital, and family is surrounding her. She has been in for about a week now. I know there is a process her body, mind, and spirit is going through right now...and everyone sitting by her side is going through a process of their own as well. They are working through things they may have never taken time to work through. Now is the time to do this: the hard work of acceptance, surrender, gratefulness, forgiveness. We aren't used to things happening outside of our control. Usually if we care enough to do something, we can get it back under our reign somehow. But there are certain things in life that just totally strip us bare and we realize we have just a few things that matter, and even those things are not ours. Our life that we feel pretty sure we are entitled to isn't even ours, so these processes we have to go through in grief are sometimes things we have to work out with loved ones but more often they are things we have to work out with God Himself.

We have such frustration, disappointment, and anger when we don't get what we think we have coming to us and I think the root behind it is that we can't stand to see potential unmet. There is something in us that just cries out, "That's not fair! That life could have been...that life should have been..." We have an expectation of what a good life should look like. There's nothing wrong with feeling this way. Perhaps we feel this way because we were created in the image of God and He also cherishes potential.  But we get misguided into thinking the good life must happen to us here. We say that we know this isn't all there is, but...

I was reading to Selah from 1 Corinthians 15 this week, and I have read it again and again to myself. It says a seed must go into the ground and die before it can get its new form...a little brown apple seed, through giving up it's little brown apple seed form, becomes a large and strong apple tree with big, tall branches and bright, red fruit. I love seeing good thriving fruit trees! And each seed God ever made has it's own personal, unique potential of what it's "new body" is going to look like. The same is true with us. What will our form look like once our "seed", our shell, is laid down once and for all? I think it will look like the potential we never reached, the potential we could never obtain in this sinful, broken world.

What if we made that our new expectation: That we will be seeds ready to take on our new form when the season is right, that we will expect and allow those we love to also get to be clothed in something new.  Something imperishable.  Something with no barriers or boundaries.  Something right smack in the middle of the visible presence of the Lord forever and ever and ever, if they are in Christ. 

Knowing this...believing this...rejoicing in this...it doesn't make us stop missing someone. God made us human. We're gonna hurt. But the joy and the sorrow are equally deep. They are equally deep. And we can handle it. We have the potential to hold both at the same time.

Hallelujah

We are in some hard but necessary days right now as we pray, love, and release  my husband's mother to Jesus. The hope of Heaven, the truth of Paul's teachings in Corinthians, the suffering that we wouldn't want her to continue to endure...her words to us and our opportunity to offer our words to her...we don't skip the grieving process just because these blessed things are present. But we do forge through it with peace and purpose.

So I was writing a song before this all began...and now I have my verse two. Verse one was about the difficulty of this world--but having Jesus--and now verse two is about leaving this world--and having Jesus.

Hallelujah

Putting out fires, calling out liars, falling apart, breaking my heart
I'll come in, I'll come in

Tired of talking, never resolved, arms not so careful breaking my fall
Come in, I'll come in

And stay til I can say-

Hallelujah, Your steady love for me, Your all consuming peace
Hallelujah, Your friendship magnified, the Refuge of my life
Hallelujah, this world shows me how differently You love
Hallelujah

So I could question, turn and blame
But I could never separate from You, or You from me


You are my Healing, You are my Hope
When I am broken, where else would I go?
I go Home...

And stay til I can say-

Hallelujah, Your steady love for me, Your all consuming peace
Hallelujah, Your friendship magnified, the Refuge of my life
Hallelujah, this world shows me how differently You love
So Hallelujah

A New Day

Strangely enough, although it is still on my mind, I don't feel like writing a blog entitled "A Sad Day Part Two"! Who would? Sounds really sad.

So I will just talk about my sweet little girls and maybe later will talk about what I was going to write.

What is going on with these little chicas?

Well...Selah is seven years old and just a couple months away from finishing up the 2nd grade curriculum in homeschool. She loves homeschool, homeschool friends, field trips, sleeping late, and being home with me...but at the same time, she oftens says she misses school. I understand. She's certainly an extrovert and likes to get dressed in cute outfits every day and see friends. We are open to whatever we need to do, and praying for what is best for her. I love being with her. That's my number one reason for homeschooling. :) The 2nd reason is that she is getting to learn at her own pace, and that's a great situation. She pretty much knows her multiplication tables, reads several books a day on the 6th grade level, does Science games and experiments online by herself. If she went back to school, I fear she may be a bit bored and certainly wouldn't have the chance to hang behind or fly ahead.

And Yemi. Oh, sweet Yemi. She is a hurricane. A handful. A sweet, sweet mess. She's four years old and she is going to preschool 3 days a week. It's her favorite thing ever! She just loves life, and she loves making people laugh. I was reminded this week that I MUST write down the funny things the girls are saying because I will forget them. Gotta get out that journal that I haven't written in since Disney! Yemi never stops singing, humming, or talking, and she's usually in her own little world. Therefore when a task is assigned, it takes some work to get her attention and get her on track! We say FOCUS a lot. Sometimes I'm just about to discipline her and I see this look on her face that says, "Momma, my brain. Have mercy on my brain." I don't think she has a defiant bone in her body, she's just in left field most of the time and doesn't remember to do what she's told. (BLESS HER HEART!) My favorite thing right now that she does is call the dog. She pats her knee and says, "Come here boy"-never "Teddy", always "Boy"- and when he comes in full force she giggles and squeals and gets in trouble for having him chase her down the hallway. The first thing she said to him when she met him last month was, "We don't lick people! No licking people, boy!"

I don't like how busy I've been the past couple days. When Yemi came to "help" me get groceries today, she said, "Is this Yemi and Mommy time?"  I said, "Yes, I guess you could call it that." She said, "So you're not going to be busy, you're just going to be with me?" OUCH, that smarts. I get it. I get the message. Not sure exactly what to do about it, but message received...and thank you!

Sad Day Part One

So this morning, I woke up and told Selah: I don't even know who the President is going to be! So I googled it, and for some reason, I burst into tears. I know others who would have burst into tears if the vote had gone the other way, but I didn't see myself as someone who would cry over this. It's not like if someone else had won, the issues that I cared about would have been automatically resolved or even resolved at all.

Anyway, so why did I cry? Two reasons I have figured out throughout the day. One here, and another in the next blog. (Trying to keep them shorter!)

One, it was a reminder that no matter who is in the White House or the Supreme Court, this place isn't our Home. Waking up to a new administration (or the knowledge of a new one in January) wasn't going to change the fact that God's Kingdom has not come yet. We pray that God's will will be done, that His Kingdom will come, on earth as it is in Heaven. But is that really going to come through government? I highly doubt it, at least not in full. *

But His Kingdom, the way of life He has called us to, is something His Church has the responsibility of living out and bringing to earth. I think this means that Christ followers need to know the Word of God well and have a growing relationship with Him so they can be light and salt here...to the point of setting aside whatever other goals and desires we have for our time on earth. We should be different, but I think we miss the mark when we think those differences are mainly and merely external. The Kingdom of God is how we act, how we treat people, what characteristics of God we show!

*Just to clarify: I believe it does matter that we vote for people who stand for Biblical values as we understand them, if we can find such a person, because they are supposed to be our representative and we should certainly make our voice heard. We just have to realize that in itself is not fulfilling our responsibility of bringing "Kingdom" living to this place!

Election Day

I feel like I have personally turned a corner in regard to disagreeing with people about certain morals, views, standards, candidates, etc. There have been the "ugly words" people, that quite frankly anybody with any sense doesn't listen to or take seriously. There have been the "sweet but meaningless words" people, whose efforts to keep the peace by having no convictions whatsoever leave me feeling a little confused. There are people who are genuinely good at hearing opposing sides and not feeling upset about it, who are respectful and can have a good old debate and then laugh about a new topic together five minutes later. Then there was me...and many others like me...that have to remind themselves to breathe during conflict.

I am so passionate about certain things, and I've never been good at understanding differences of opinion on some of the more serious issues...

Anyway, all that to say, through digging in (instead of running away) and reading, praying, and talking with people who hold differing views on things from the time of the "Chick-fil-A incident" to now, I have changed. My stomach still kinda plunges, but I feel like I can respect people who feel and believe differently than me. I always would have loved those people, meaning I wouldn't treat them differently or talk about them badly, but I may have wanted some distance.  But now I feel like it's important to realize the lives people have lived up to this moment in time and what makes their perspective their perspective. I think there's room for all of us, and God will be the judge. I still think it's extremely important to say out loud where I stand, at appropriate times, but I don't think it's extremely important for me to proclaim myself as "right".

Here's some lyrics from one of my newer songs:


"I'm painting a picture of who we are
a stroke of acceptance the hardest part
'cause I don't want love to become a lost art on me...

We're watching the Master create
He's digging His hands in the hardest of clay
and I've been set free to be me
and I offer this grace to you...

'cause I've seen the beauty of love
my longest list of all I should fix wiped off
this thing called love doesn't work how i thought
but still its enough
I'm learning to love..."

October

I have been going on evening walks with my dog, Teddy. Thanks to him, I can go farther down my road than ever before because I'm no longer afraid of the "neighborhood" dogs.  I say "neighborhood" in quotes because I don't have a neighborhood really. I live on a country road... which is actually code for rednecks driving fast around curves and people who don't feel the need to leash or fence in their dogs. So while I still have to be careful (for the cars), I am really enjoying AUTUMN on these walks. I'll have to take some pictures some time and post on the blog.

Tonight I walked about eight minutes. I sadly turned around and came home because I just didn't feel well enough to keep going. I have had a hard day with my health. I told someone the other day that if I was to have another baby (which I'm not) that at this more mature age (of 34) I think I would do a lot better with the crazy emotions than when I had a newborn at the age of 27. I told her, "I think I would take it in stride, knowing that it passes, and wait as things get better."

I truly did think that was true when I said it...so why can't I be that mature and wise now? It's the same thing. I have to take this in stride, because it is going to pass. I have been putting one foot in front of the other all summer. I have chosen to not complain, I have chosen to get up and do what is on my list, at least the most vital things. I have eaten well, exercised, done my work, cleaned, cooked, made the laundry and dishes appear magically where they belong, and homeschooled 4 days a week. In the past month, I have been reading more-books like One Thousand Gifts and Abba's Child-and have really felt the Lord's wisdom and presence.

But some days, like today, it's like I just don't feel like making the choice. It's not that I won't make the choice to accept what He's allowed, surrender, and praise Him...I have done that. It's not that I won't make the choice to make dinner or teach...I have done that. I just don't feel like going the extra mile. In my heart, on days like today, I want to quit. And honestly it's nice to write that, because I CAN quit...there's a lot of things I could quit and the world would keep spinning. It's just that I've really enjoyed the life God has given me in the past year...I guess I'm not wanting to let it go. Plus, there is a balance. I could quit everything, and then get depressed about staying home all the time with no where to be and no one to see. I like doing!

Last year at Thanksgiving, with my big 80+ member family, we stood in a circle and I said, "I'm thankful that the Lord has healed me and I get to homeschool and enjoy my family and I don't take it for granted for even one day." This year, I'm going to have to say something different, it looks like. I think I might know what that is...

The only good thing about this moment in time is: If God wants me to chill, it's because He is drawing me closer to Him. That is a VERY good thing! Maybe I have missed something vital in my walk with Him while I felt well, or maybe He is not saying that, but He is just pruning. My prayer is that I will not miss that opportunity, filling the space with television or Facebook or something, but that God will get out of it what He desires...which I know is for my good.

Fall Is Upon Us

So...Wow. When people ask me how my summer went, my eyes sort of glaze over. I will have to consult my journal, because I honestly don't know. It was a little difficult, to be honest. I didn't feel well, and that was a bit of a roller coaster of good days/bad days. I don't really remember a lot of it, but I did take pictures and journal, so I guess that means I was there! :/

Here are a couple pics from our summer:

I have to say, we clean up pretty well, haha! For some crazy reason we decided to roll our hair and put on makeup.

Yemi feels like her mama in this one...It is naptime yet?

But seriously, Fall is upon us and I'm excited about it. Field trips, enrichment classes, homeschool, ballet classes for the girls, getting to enjoy the outdoors again, Sister Bridge beginning soon...This is always a fun season. I'm not even dreading winter, how neat is that? BUT there has been a lot of confusion in my heart about what I should and should not do with my time and attention...and that really bothers me even though I know that subject is hard for everyone, perhaps especially moms, and perhaps even more especially moms with some limitations like sleep disorders or chronic health problems. I get in places where I feel very comfortable to say no to everything and stick to what I know: my walk with Jesus getting deeper, my marriage, my kids and home. That is certainly more than enough to occupy my days and nights, and I have been in that sweet spot before. But then there are seasons where it at least *feels* like God is saying something more can be added. This is where it gets complicated...and I don't like complicated.

My territory God has given me is my home. That's where I am and that's where I want to be. But a ministry I'm involved in (I wasn't looking for it, but it came my way and all stars led to go that direction) takes some of my emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual attention...and honestly, I'm just not sure if I have any extra to give. My connection to Jesus doesn't feel like what it did before, and daily I am seemingly literally hard pressed to fit in the things that are important to my Life. Is it a time to sacrifice and persevere, is it a time to quit and simplify, or is it a time to learn how to live a somewhat fuller and busier life and STILL have the kind of quality of life that I physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually want?

Some Fun Pics

It has been such a long time since I put some pictures on my blog! Here's a few of my summer...which is quickly slipping past now. These are of me and my girls at the Fair. (Jack was home sick.) I can't believe they are getting so big! Selah is 7 now and Yemi is 4. They are so much fun!

Wrestling

So, this blog may be premature, or perhaps the beginning of a series, but I want to share my process through this struggle I am in. I have been really affected by the issues that have erupted since the Chick-fil-A owner made his statement that he was for the traditional definition of marriage...a statement that was already openly being made by his choice to give to organizations that support those beliefs. Many on both sides of the issue had a lot to say. Personally, my husband stated on Facebook that he was going to Chick-fil-A on their appreciation day, and I was surprised at the 40+ comments that ranged from rational (whether I agreed or not) to quite ridiculous.

The good thing that came out of it for me was that I found a couple of people I could have a humble, loving conversation with...and these conversations are with people who do not stand on the same side of this issue as I do. I'm really thankful and excited about what will come from finding out what they believe and why they believe it. I am most thankful and excited to find out (hopefully) how I can have a stance that is true to my convictions, but also not hurtful to others.

This blog/book (haha) is really meant for Christians who are struggling with how to feel, where to stand, on this issue. I will try to keep these points short, and keep in mind that as I write them, they are points to go back to and think through. They are not conclusions. They are things that have come up in articles and conversations and Scripture that I am thinking and praying through. If you choose to give feedback to this blog, please only do so if you are also in a seeking, humble, and prayerful attitude. This is what I'm wrestling with:

1) For those of us that still view homosexuality as a sin, it's important that not just in our words but in our hearts, we know that it is not a greater sin than anything else. When Jennifer Knapp came out two years ago, stating she was a gay Christian, I wrote her off. But what if she had come out saying she got a divorce and remarried? I doubt that would keep me from her concerts. But Jesus Himself had something to say about getting divorced (except under certain circumstances) and remarried, and it was not what we would want to hear. He condemned it. He said that's adultery, in red letters. Ouch. Why are we quicker to condemn certain things than others?

2) Our motives matter. Are Christians who think homosexuality is a sin taking that stance because of personal prejudice? Hear me out. There is a stigma. Some guys who are gay act differently, and I think some of us are embarrassed by it. It makes me uncomfortable to see lesbians kiss. It's got a serious shock factor to me. We don't like it. Are we sure that we don't like it simply because we believe God calls it a sin?

3) In other areas we consider sin, we tend to separate the people from the behavior. Even a hardened criminal who plans to go back out and steal again after he gets out of prison, we will show love and compassion to. We might even form a relationship in hopes of bringing him to Christ. We see this person as more than just a sinner. We might invite them into our home for dinner, but would we do the same for a gay couple? I don't know what I would do, and I'm uncomfortable with my own point, because I have kids and I do not want to bring this issue to the light right now. But I must continue wrestling. With gays, some of us tend to think of them as if all they are is their sexual status...That in itself is sometimes enough to make us think, "There's no way I have common ground with you." (Please don't twist this point to think I'm saying homosexuality is a crime.)

4) There are Christians who believe homosexuality is wrong based on Scripture, but that a homosexual relationship that is committed and monogamous is not wrong. In what I've read, there are several reasons. But the three that stick out to me, and again, this is just me, you can research for yourself because I'm not covering it all and may not be doing their points justice, are:

a. They state that we are no longer under the law but are free in Christ to just love. As long as what you do is loving (I'm assuming they mean 1 Cor. 13 definition of love), that is your only law.

b. They state that we can't pick and choose which laws we're going to live by. If women are going to be allowed to speak in church, and if it's cool with God to get a tattoo (both spoken against in the Bible), or even that killing someone in self defense is not a sin, then we have to consider that there are laws that were cultural, meant something different than what we assume, or meant to be eventually amended. And they say that when homosexual actions were spoken against as a bad thing, they were talking about extramarital or even men with youth, not committed, monogamous relationships. The bottom line about this point is that if some laws from the Bible have been changed, ignored, labeled "cultural", etc, then why can't the Biblical stance on homosexuality get the same treatment?

c. They state that many people have gender anomalies. They didn't state any percentage of this in the main article I read. Because of this, they state that since God didn't make everyone 100% male OR female, that gender shouldn't be the point in marriage, instead, for Christians, finding someone you can serve God and bear fruit together with should be the point in marriage. This is just one guy's opinion, and you can find it under Justin's View at gaychristian.net. I found his article to be extremely well written and we had common ground, at least in that he really knew the Word of God. While I don't agree at this time with his interpretation of these points (a, b, or c) it was something to ponder and pray through.

5) There were a lot of people saying Chick-fil-A's money was going to organizations doing hateful things. I looked these orgs up, and am still researching,  but so far all I'm seeing is groups investing in the family unit and reaching out to homosexuals who want to consider a life change, because some of these orgs believe that same-sex attraction is something that can be cured. I do see how that is offensive to homosexuals, but I am not sure that it's hateful. If nothing else, they could say these organizations are wrong or ignorant in their belief that same-sex attraction can be cured, but I still am not seeing how it's hurtful. These orgs are guilty of lobbying to keep marriage, by law, between a man and a woman.  There are plenty of orgs lobbying to change the law, too. I think this is just how law making and law changing happens...No one on either side is wrong for adding their 2 cents to our democracy. The wrestle in this for me is: I care about how homosexuals feel. That's not enough for me to back down on this issue, but I sympathize, and I don't know how to show it. If I wanted a law to change to benefit me, I'd be mad at the people opposing it, too.

6)Another point about CFA: I don't understand it, but those of us who went to CFA on Aug. 1st thought we were standing for free speech and casting our vote publicly, saying, "Yes, we agree that we want marriage to stay between a man and woman, and we don't think it's fair that Cathy's business is being discriminated against by the mayors of 3 prominent cities." I truly think that's what most people showed up to say. However, it was viewed as something ugly, even by some Christians who agree with Cathy, they just felt like it was uncalled for, rubbing our beliefs in homosexuals' faces, kinda just snarky. I consider it unwise to assume we know everyone's motives for doing something! But on the other hand, communication is a two way street, and the "communication" on Aug. 1st was received differently than it was sent out. I don't blame anyone on either side, just commenting and mulling over it all.

7) So...we're a democracy. Not a Theocracy. We say we're one nation under God. I wonder exactly what this means to most Americans. Are we a Christian nation? Is that in the same way that Iraq is a Muslim nation (where both the government and the majority of the people themselves are Muslims)? Do we really want the beliefs of one group controlling the laws of everyone? My point that I'm wrestling with is: Should we even expect our nation to use the Bible as a moral and law making standard? Especially if most of the people that make up our nation are not Bible-believing Christians, why do we expect it? I saw we should make our voice clear about what we want the laws to be, but know as nominal Christianity grows, the breakdown of what we believe being the generally accepted norm will also grow.  Is this what the separation of church and state is all about? More wrestling.

8) In the New Testament, Paul brings up church discipline. He says if someone IN the church is in sin, you are to try to restore them back to the truth...there's a whole series, in order, of what to do in these cases. We've all been there...in sin, in need of someone to turn us around, an intervention if you will. Shying away from this doesn't help anyone grow in their faith, it only brings confusion and more sin and therefore more distance between us and God. But the use of church discipline (either done in the correct way or not) has brought such offense and division, and people leaving the church and never going back. They may still claim to cling to Christ, but not His church. I'm saddened by this, but I'm not sure that means we are to throw it out!? I'm stuck on this--What if that believer "in sin" has reasons (such as the ones stated in #4) why they believe their actions are not sinful? What if they say the Lord has not convicted them and they genuinely do not believe they are in willful sin? This really is the situation right now, and I'm wrestling with what to do. Nobody likes calling out habitual and willful sin in each other's lives (and if you do, you are NOT the one who should be doing the discipline!), and some sins are more grey/debatable than others, but even with these two hinderances to following Paul's commands to the church for discipline and separation, Christians have to figure out what to do with it.

9) Ever seen The Princess Bride? If you've seen it as many times as I have, you'll remember this line, in that great Inego Montoya accent: "I don't think it means what you think it means."And I'm talking about LOVE. Love isn't just being nice. It also isn't JUST being patient, kind, forgiving, gentle, etc. It IS those things, but it's more. Jesus showed love in several ways in the passage about the woman found in sin who was about to be stoned to death. He told the crowd to stop being judgmental and only throw a stone if you were perfect yourself. That was a loving chastisement for the crowd, it spoke volumes of truth to them and to me. And it was loving for the woman as well, in the form of protection for her life! But also He showed love by saying to her, "Go, and leave your life of sin." He called it what it was, and He forgave her, and He told her to not go back into it again. Love is more than just being sweet and keeping the peace. Jesus is the most offensive person I've ever met. He rubs me the wrong way in so much of what He said. If people are going to say Christ's message is all about love and acceptance, I recommend some reading...The Jesus I know died for my forgiveness from sin, not so I have freedom to continue in it. But, at the same time, I am still wrestling with how to lovingly confront someone who will most definitely be hurt and offended by my view of their choices. I don't think telling someone how to live their life is the definition of love, by any means...but I do think its loving when someone points me to truth and gets me out of what God says is a pit.

10) Short but important point: I am not wrestling with this. Same-sex attraction in itself is no more of a sin than me feeling an attraction to someone who is not my husband. This is what the Bible calls the flesh, and we are commanded to crucify it.

11) So, if you are a person who believes that the Bible is supposed to at the least be a Christian's moral standard, you might be wrestling with me about this...The issue of "the Law" in itself. While we do not enter God's family through perfectly keeping the law, thank God, He did give us the laws for certain purposes. Some of the purposes were for the Israelites to be kept separate from surrounding peoples. Some of the purposes were for the health and well-being of people, giving wisdom and discernment.  Paul's words were for the church, trying to keep people's eyes on the prize of holiness and good community and perseverance. How DO we know which laws are unchangeable or up for interpretation? My ministry is to speak/sing in churches...but Paul says women should be silent. I was pretty offended when a student in my Bible class in college wanted to "go there." Was I wrong to shut that down so quickly? While we aren't saved by the law, and while we don't have to keep it in order to get into Heaven, because obviously all of us haven't kept it, if God gave it maybe we should be calling ALL of it standards for living (not enforcing on everyone, but I mean, in the Christian community.) I am open to this. Paul said basically, "Don't tell people they have to follow the law of being circumcised in order to be a Christ follower, because that would negate everything we believe about it being Jesus's blood that makes you a Christ follower." But we aren't talking about salvation being gained through the law...we're talking about finding out why God's (what I believe to be perfect) Word has commands and rules in it that we just aren't interested in keeping to a T, and others we are.

Whoa. That was long. But I may be able to sleep a little better having all that out of my head. I am positive that this blog only uncovered my massive ignorance of so many topics, but I hope that there are nuggets in there that you will consider along with me. Also, the reason I don't state specific Scriptures throughout this blog and most others that I write, is because my points are not drawing out one-time commands (except the women speaking in church example). You should be able to find the things that I said, or at least the point behind them, in the Bible in multiple places.

If we are in Christ, we have the Holy Spirit to bring wisdom and conviction. I am humbled by this discussion, because I have thought too many times that things were more black and white than perhaps they really are. Again, this "processing" was meant for believers who are wrestling with how to feel and where to stand...I hope my rambling brings some good.

One of "Those" Issues

You know what? I am so tired of the gay marriage issue and how some Christians are handling it.  I obviously have to come to grips with the fact that all believers are not going to see eye to eye on this. I have to accept that there are scriptures that mean one thing to me and something entirely different to someone else who also is truly a Christ-follower. That's a place in me that needs to mature, I will be honest about that. But still, even in light of that need, I am frustrated!

I'm frustrated because some Christians who feel like homosexuality is not a sin are so bitter towards Christians who DO believe it is a sin. It's like those of us who believe there is plenty of Biblical evidence to say homosexuality and same sex marriage is not cool with God (and therefore we feel led to take the stand when asked that it's not cool with us either) are horrible, embarrassing, backwoods brothers and sisters they'd like to forget are in the family. It's just crazy!

Look, none of us solely are the spokesmodels of Christianity. It would be nice if issues were that black and white and all Christians were a united front so that it was clear to the world what we believed. But that boat sailed about 10 minutes after Jesus went up to Heaven probably. I'm joking, but you probably get the drift. We are messed up people who have yet to fully embrace and interpret both the Word and the Spirit that dwells inside of us. Billy Graham is against gay marriage. DUH! The president of Chick-fil-A says their company is against gay marriage. GREAT! This doesn't mean Billy Graham spits on people he knows are gay and that doesn't mean Chick-fil-A won't hire gay people. These guys may be public Christians, but they are not the self-proclaimed Pope. We all have the right to our opinion about this matter, but it would be really nice if we could agree to disagree and stop acting like we KNOW what Jesus would say.

It's interesting to me that Christians who fall on both sides of this issue are BOTH wanting to protect the name of Christ. We are both wanting to make a statement on behalf of Jesus. I will always stand firm in my belief that homosexuality is a sin and a lifestyle that is deliberate sin against God, but I will listen with open ears when I get to Heaven and am told what I was supposed to believe. I can only do my best with the Word and the Spirit I live my life trying to get to know. I still will love and show kindness to people in my life who choose to sin, (it is His kindness that brings us to repentance!), just as people show love and kindness to me if I choose to sin for a season...but no one is doing me any favors by SAYING IT IS OKAY. Do not give me permission to do something just because my flesh (that I am told in God's word to crucify daily) wants to.

Lastly in my little rant I will implore believers to stop saying: "I personally don't think *such and such* is right, but whatever's right for you is fine." There are so many *such and suches* where that sentence is wonderful, hello freedom of choice...but not areas that are clear in Scripture! As a believer, IF YOU DO interpret the Word to say that something in particular is a sin, you certainly can't make people agree (and we need to be careful to not try to make everyone agree) but I don't think we should say it doesn't matter either. It DOES matter. We should be peacefully bringing forward truth and standing up for it, because there are reasons why God said what He said in His Word. I don't care if we LIKE IT or not. There are lots of things in the Bible that I kinda wish weren't in there...but I don't get to pick and choose.

As we agree to disagree, I hope that we'll at least agree on these things: to grow in our passion for God way more than our passion for our personal beliefs to be heard and affirmed...to love one another with the very love that Jesus gives us, which is an accepting but also challenging love...to pursue justice and equality for every human being on the planet, with no exceptions...and to grow in both knowledge and humility.

A Little Health Encouragement Today

"THE LORD delights in the wellbeing of His servants." Ps. 35:27

Hey! So, I am really happy to say that I am feeling much better.  I definitely feel my mind getting clearer, my sweets cravings calming down, my confidence and excitement about life coming back, and my body much more willing to get up and go!

Just had to share this praise, but also just to say if any of you are feeling fatigued a lot, foggy minded, stressed and gaining weight, I can pass on a few ideas that may help since I've been through this so much. Just a disclaimer, too: We are all at different places and sometimes our bodies just need a little TLC but sometimes there is a more serious underlying issue that is at work. What works for me may not always work for me, and may not ever work for you.  I just know that it is possible to feel better and for many women that I know, including myself, it is a full time job to figure out how, implement the changes, measure the results, rinse and repeat! It can be so daunting, and requires perseverance beyond our own strength. Here are a few things you may not be taking time for, but can bring great results...


1) A daily time and space for communion with the Lord is a spiritual, emotional, and mental necessity for me. If it's 15 minutes or 1 hour, God knows what time we have and He is a master at making the most of it when we just COME! I think sometimes laying on my bed during my kids nap time and telling God everything on my heart, not just staying surface level but really letting myself talk to Him or journal it out, is true therapy. He is our Wonderful Counselor, and He wants to listen. After a few days of laying these concerns at His feet, down to the frustration about the ants in the kitchen, you might find yourself feeling like those things aren't bothering you anymore and the Holy Spirit will lead you to pray for others during this time. But either way, get past the surface prayers and connect with God every day. I am lost without this. I don't care what kind of personality you have, every branch dies without true connection to the Vine! Sometimes when I feel busy in my mind and heart and can't "dial down", I'll use the old A.C.T.S. to guide me. A=Adoration. C=Confession. T=Thanks. S=Supplication. A friend of mine once said to me, "We don't HAVE to spend this time with God, we GET to."

2) This may feel impossible, but laying down with eyes closed for 10-15 minutes every afternoon in your "tiredest" time of the day is very valuable. It calms down your parasympathetic nervous system and you will be able to fall asleep faster at night because you took the time to chill earlier in the day. You don't have to be alone to do this. Sometimes I lay on the piano bench and do this while the kids eat lunch. It may be a week before it makes a difference, but eventually it does. Taking time for moments of calm (especially if those moments can also be infused with truth, from God's Word, an encouraging book or song, or just hugs and snuggles with kids) is so important for our adrenal glands, which are constantly pumping out enough hormones to handle our craziness. Also, although it is sometimes not possible, my normal schedule is to be in bed between 10 and 10:30. There is something about getting in bed a couple hours before midnight that is healing to the adrenals. I've learned through this 2 week bout with tiredness that it really all boils down to good sleep for me. I'm a nut without it; I cannot trust a single thought that goes through my head if I am not rested...good to know! :)

3) Nutrition: There is so much to say here, but I'll keep it to the basics! We need protein every time we eat, I believe. Raw seeds and nuts such as almond or pumpkin seeds, milk, yogurt, cheese, granola, lean meats, fish, whey (for protein shakes)...these are all great and healthy sources and I feel best when I have a palm size portion of protein every 3 hours. Skipping my 3 pm snack is one of the reasons I have been feeling low lately. In the other palm every 3 hours should be a healthy carb, which can be a whole grain something (brown rice, wheat bun, etc.) or you can consider your fruit as your carb. In other blogs to come, I'm going to take pictures of my plate to give some ideas of these palm sized portion mini-meals.  I think 5 to 10 servings of fruits/veggies a day is an absolute necessity and I also take Juice Plus, as do my kids. This is a whole food concentrate supplement that gives you 19 different types of organic fruits and veggies--the variety and amount is something we could never actually eat in a day, unless you juiced (I'm guessing) about $20 a day of organic produce. (I have a good friend who is a Juice Plus representative/wellness coach, and I would love to connect you to her. Please contact me if I can help you get started with JP+). We have to think of food as good quality fuel for our engine. What time of the day are you craving sweets? That is when you need a handful of a good quality protein and a good quality carb. I am so preaching to myself right now!!

4)The last thing I'm going to harp on is--well, I'll combine these two--Exercise and finding out what supplements you need. Exercise is a given, but you have to make sure you are not doing TOO much exercise. If you are a person struggling with fatigue, you need gentle exercise, not a Spinning class. You need to work your body daily to the point of feeling good, not feeling exhausted. Gotta give up on the crazy goal driven stuff, and just go for a nice walk! As for supplements, there is no way I could NOT believe in them because they are the number one reason why I have been among the land of the living for the past couple years. (Not to say I'd be dead, but just in bed!) My doctor took blood and found I was very deficient in several of the Vitamin B's, Vitamin D, and DHEA (an important hormone your adrenal glands produce). Yes, it takes time to get the right amounts and that can be so frustrating! But it's worth it. I wouldn't buy anything less than pharmaceutical grade, which you can find at vrp.com or you can try a couple different brands at health food stores, like Solaray. Because of my night time supplements, I take no sleeping meds and I haven't for 2 years (although before I made these changes, I was on Ambien and Trazodone, practically knocking myself unconscious every night to get some sleep!!) Here's my night time concoction: 100 mg of Phosphatidylerine, 3 mg of Melatonin, 200 mg of Magnesium. I have a sleep disorder that no doctor can help me with...at all...and this works! I wasn't taking my Vitamin B Complex because I had an allergic reaction to it (I guess it was the brand I was using) and I think that's one of the biggest reasons why I have felt so bad this past month. I am now on a Solaray brand B Complex, and I am positive that has brought my energy level back up. I hate to say it, but I am just not sure that we can get all our bodies need without supplements. I wish this wasn't true! I'm not a doctor or a scientist, but it seems that if I ate the recommended amount of organic foods to get all the Vitamin D, B, E, A, C, plus all the other amino acids and trace minerals, protein, calcium, (not to mention needing 200 mg of things only found in weird locations around the world) I would be eating literally be eating myself out of house and home! Plus, sadly, the soil and farming procedures are just not what they used to be. There are a precious few people still getting to "live off the land", and there's not enough for everyone. That doesn't mean give up, it just means if you are lacking something in your health, find out what it is and don't expect to get all you need (especially as we get older) from food.

I hope these things are helpful, and if you need any community around you to make these healthy daily choices, let me know either on this blog or on Facebook and we will journey together!!! I get in ruts where I don't invest wisely in my health (physical, spiritual, etc), and I need community, too.

Responsive Reading... "I Am"

You are beloved-

asked for by name, claimed

so you would always be where He is...

“I am His portion.”

You were rescued-

out of darkness, called

your enemy powerless once and for all...

“I am His treasure.”

You are chosen-

to enter His heart

and carry out pieces of it to the world...

“I am His prophet.”

You will suffer-

times of misunderstanding with Him

times of loss and even blindness

and you will remember in those times...

“I am not God.”

You will come out shining-

led through refining fires

praising Him in the ashes

living for the joy of seeing Him face on that day...

“I am His radiant Bride.”

You were created to worship-

to prefer, to prize, to adore

Him, above all others and all things...

“I am here to focus on Jesus and be changed in His presence.”

You were created for a real relationship with Almighty God.

You are the dream He created in the depths of His heart.

“I am His dream.”

Finding Freedom...

Yay! I am very glad to say that I am feeling a bit better this week! Still feeling "it", but it's not completely overwhelming. I have spent a good amount of time resting, journaling, and working through some things that were weighing on me.

I never know how much to share on blogs but since not a lot of people read this, I hope its okay to say...One of the things weighing on me was my feelings that I was just not cut out for or good enough to do my worship leading position at my church. I haven't done a week-in-week-out thing for so long. It's one thing to visit churches and sing and speak what God puts on my heart and then leave (they don't have to ask me back and I feel a freedom to just be myself)... and another to have a group of people stuck with me full-time.  While they can trust I am singing and speaking what God puts on my heart, there's just a small part of this where me "not being their cup of tea" might matter...and it was really bothering me.

I've been praying through it, unpacking these feelings, asking for discernment and truth. And God is at work here. He actually gave me a whole list of truths to read each Sunday (to myself) to remind me of why I'm doing what I'm doing and Who is the one doing it! It was His choice to put me there, first of all; it was good to be reminded of that. That's kinda important. :) Here are the three main things He said I must do: Be myself, be connected to Jesus, and have fun! My job is to be a friend of the Bridegroom, spreading the word to the Bride that He is wanting us to be with Him where He is. That can be done in such a variety of ways...why worry so much about how it is being done, as long as it IS being done? I don't want to give into this thing of "worshipping worship." It's all about Jesus and turning our face to Him, our Refuge, our Oasis, the Love of our lives.

And so I decided to own this, to really own it. I'd rather totally give what I have to give as I walk in the Spirit, and be myself to the fullest, and go out on limbs using my gifts and ideas as I hear from the Lord, and be kicked to the curb...than to just play it safe and make my decisions based on what I think people will want. Yuck.

So the first thing I have done with my freedom is write a responsive reading that we are going to do at church on Sunday! I'm going to post it as the next blog, if you want to read. Thank you for praying for me, if you were led to. I don't know what the future holds, if I'll feel well or work or not, but I know that continuing to slow down, simplify, and live freely are part of it!

Honestly...

I am having a rough week! I thought it only fair to write on days like today since it's much easier to jump on here and write encouraging things on the "good" days! I like living wide open, so here's the truth of it...and maybe it'll be a little therapeutic for me as well.

I know I am extremely blessed, first of all. Just this week the Lord gave me this picture in my mind: I was thanking Him with my daughters for a long list of blessings, and I saw an iceberg. The blessings I can see are just the tip of the iceberg! The blessings I can't see (how God is at work, spiritual blessings, my life hidden in Christ, a home prepared for me in Heaven) are the miles deep solid iceberg. So...yes, I am blessed and I know it.

As anyone reading this knows, I have struggled with adrenal fatigue and a sleep disorder for over 10 years and this past year I had a wonderful year of relief from it. It was still there, but managed. Slowly, I have felt some fatigue and exhaustion come back. Sometimes it feels related to stress, sometimes to allergies (because of waking up a lot at night I think), and sometimes there is just no reason. Since coming home from vacation I haven't felt great but it was manageable. Then on Sunday, after coming home from church and lunch in Louisville, I was just finished. I figured I'd wake up Monday morning back to at least a tolerable normal, but I didn't. I have felt this way all week.

Even Sunday morning before church I felt in a daze, and today is the first day I've even started to feel the fog lift, but only for a little while. I love my life so much, and sure everyone gets a little down and unmotivated sometimes, but I feel down for the count! I don't feel like doing anything that I'm supposed to be doing, so I'm doing the bare minimum of everything. It's stressing me that I have events on the calendar, plus leading worship on Sundays and the daily activities with the kids, that I do not feel like doing. I swing back and forth between judging myself and freeing myself to just relax.

I have a small list of steps I am taking to try to get this under control again and since I have no idea if this will be short term or long term, it gives me a sense of peace to say if I'm not feeling better in one month, I will go into a different mode...back to what I used to do, which is only take care of my home and family, no work, no singing events, no commitments. I'm not happy about this, but I genuinely have meant it when I have said and prayed that I love what I've learned and how I've changed through having a chronic illness and if God has more to teach me through it, may His will be done. Also, I know that my worth is not caught up one bit in what I do and God is not disappointed in me, therefore I will have joy and peace whatever the outcome. (After many tears of submission, let me not leave that out! It's a loss to grieve...but there are much greater losses.)

It's the limbo that is hard, I think. Trying to keep fulfilling commitments without making a big deal about telling people what I'm dealing with...deciding whether or not to say yes to something I'd really like to be able to do, and that I very well MAY be able to do...All of a sudden, living the one life I have to live is just a completely different situation.

I cling hard to the verse that says to serve with the strength God provides. That means if God doesn't provide the strength, I'm no longer supposed to be out there. It has to be Him doing it. I'd appreciate your prayers, mainly that i would know what to do about commitments for July. I have 3 concerts and church every Sunday. These are not stressful in themselves, but they are when I don't feel like preparing. Thanks for reading!

Life Is So Daily

"Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wonder, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."

Seal it, Lord! I let the world leak in and contaminate and clog up and break my heart. (SOS 8:6) My heart and my arm, my affections and my actions, are in great need of a Protector and Guide. It's a daily sealing, isn't it? It's a daily binding. I know this...but somehow expect it to not be true.

I joke that I have a spiritual Alzheimer's condition. I can be so full to overflowing with truth and confidence in the Lord--great perspective, by His grace having the ability to worship in difficult times, not making mountains out of molehills--and then all of a sudden, usually when I'm tired or when I've just been out in the world too much (as silly as that sounds), I am like a person in a maze wearing a mask over my eyes, stretching out arms like a beggar in the dark.

Could this be what most of the Old Testament is about, as the Israelites, the beloved vineyard of Creator God, stake their claim in Him with celebration and solemn vows only to say, as if coming out of a fog with that confused look in their eyes, "What were we supposed to be remembering?"

It's like that movie 50 First Dates, at least for me. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to watch a video every morning reminding me of the truths that keep me afloat. It's also like C.S. Lewis's quote that went something like this: We daily have to be brainwashed. That may sound offensive, but not to me. Yes, Jesus, Living Word, wash my brain and re-train it every day because when You renew my mind all over again I truly am a new creation. And why in the world would I not want to take that offer and be a new creation, despite the work every morning to "recall to mind and therefore have hope..." (Lamentations 3:21)

We need a daily, fresh, current revelation of the love of God for us to live as overcomers. I'm not sure there is any other way. I'm so thankful for the ministers, writers, singers, friends, teachers, just honest people seeking God and sharing His revelations (what is on His heart) with others. They are the prophets of this day, reminding us who we are in Christ and who we can be if we fix our eyes on Him daily. But I am most grateful that while those prophets make a light bulb come on in our spirit, and help us out of the maze, God wants to reveal Himself clearly and personally to each of us, every day, every moment even!

"Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wonder, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."