Let the Sun Shine!!

I was so thrilled to have some sunshine these past few days. That, a extra couple of hours of sleep last night, and a good talk with the Lord, have finally brought some hope to my shriveled up little soul! I feel like I can finally write again and possibly have something to say. My goodness, it has been a rough month for me. I had hoped to sort of encourage myself and others through the winter, and I've failed pretty miserably. I have been tired and grumpy, trying to do things that make for good health, but not seeing many results, and then other times not exactly "deserving" any results at all. I don't have a computer to write/blog on, I don't have a place to even put my pictures to use online, and I was hoping for those outlets this particular season...but it was not meant to be. And that's okay. Lots of things break and fail, and the more I live, the more I see how incapable I am to do even the smallest things I set out to do.

Could this story end well? Surprisingly, it does! Wow, it really does. Until you've been in this place, it will all sound ridiculous...so there's the warning. But honestly, yesterday I was just crying out to the Lord, telling Him how impossible it was for me to handle all this, how I keep trying to change and rise up but I can't. And I felt that He was saying to accept myself as I was, really look at the truth for a moment. Before I could argue and say, "What good will that do? When I feel and act like this, I'm not acceptable, Lord, so I can't..." He was saying, "You have to accept who you are before My help comes, in order to receive My help." I think it's called humility.

I had to admit who I am without Him. I had to dwell there and really look at it. Then I could truly know there is no hope for me on my own, and could ask with the correct perspective for Him to come in and do what only He could do. I had to believe that only He could do it, not me even on my best day. See, I was depending on myself to have enough good days-mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually-to live a good life for the Lord...to do the daily things that make me feel like I am living a good life for the Lord anyway. Hilarious! We certainly can't depend on such an unsteady thing. I asked and He answered, and we're just going to have to go through this a million more times until I get it. There is a fine line between trying to live in discipline and victory and obedience, and just plain self-righteousness. I don't get the distinction. I mean, I obviously know there is a distinction, but I certainly have a hard time along the course of my week knowing which I am living in. It has everything to do with remembering what I understood to be true last night: If I am doing poorly, Jesus is my only hope to rise up and have joy and life again. I must come to Him and ask and wait. If I am doing well, it had absolutely nothing to do with me and my abilities...Jesus is being merciful. Oh, be merciful again!

I wrote a song this week; here's the first verse...

"Seems like I'm doing fine except when I'm not

I'm sure as I can be and then I can't be sure at all

I can do anything except when I can't

and when I can't remember why, oh when I can't remember why,

when I can't remember why I should still try to try,

stay by my side."

Snow Days

Well, I'm sure it didn't matter to anyone else, but I am bummed that I am not able to do my idea of writing everyday about winter! The past week I had no access to the computer but honestly, I was having a hard time being positive about winter as well! Just tired and stuff. Also, I am taking these beautiful pictures but can't put them on my computer/blogs for awhile, so that sort of detracts from the fun of it. BUT...here I am today, and I will tell you I have missed writing. I need to write. For an introvert, it's just the perfect form of communication.

So I guess my encouragement about winter today came from Jack. We have had about 4 snow days in the past 2 weeks, if I'm remembering correctly (which I may not be, to be honest, it's been that kind of a week!) Selah mentioned that she didn't get > go out and play in the snow several of those days, because "my mommy hates the cold!" Jack overheard her telling someone this, and he got sad because he loves going out there with her, but was working long hours those particular days.

So yesterday, they spent hours out there together. I don't know what they do or how they stand it, but they had a wonderful time and Jack told me today, "It broke my heart to miss going out there to play with her. Snows don't come that often, and I only have about ten good years with her where she is really going to want to go out there with me. I can do stuff like work anytime, but that's special." I love him. Being so deep and constant in the midst of this thing called a home life sometimes takes away my gratitude and awe for a while.

I have had a rough week but after this conversation, I felt different. Selah is only five, but she's so much more mature than I expected at this age. I really value her company, even if she does toot on me and whine (loudly) when I get on the phone. I love the smell of her hair and the way her eyes look when she first gets up in the morning. And Yemi...oh Yemi. She is 2 1/2 going on 1. She's hilarious, and while she's a handful that I need a break from sometimes, that child is so unique and beautiful, and learning all kinds of sweet things from her sis. Today Selah hurt her toe and Yemi got on the floor and kissed it for her!

I love my life. I need help to not slip into certain problems in this life, like boredom (not like I don't have enough to do, just sick of it) and seclusion (out of necessity due to sickness or snow or tired kids) and even depression (when I cannot seem to remember why I'm doing what I'm doing, when I can't remember HOW to do it with energy and joy).

So, enjoy the snow days...enjoy the hot chocolate...enjoy the 17 layers of clothes laid out to dry by your front door. We only have about 10 good years of it. And if you think that's a long time, you're a lot younger than me!!!

What a Day

"Do not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up!" Sorry to not have the reference to this scripture...it is downstairs in my room and I am up here, and after I tell you about my day, you will understand why that feels like such a long journey.

I have put in an honest day's work today, like every one of you good mommas (and definitely daddies, too) out there. I feel like I put in several days in one today...

So let me tell you about my honest day's work. Since I haven't gotten to facebook lately, I will write it out in facebook status mode:

6 a.m. Thank you, Nannette, for waking me up to let me know Selah will be home today to drive me crazy, er, I mean, to play with.

6:30 a.m. Still awake. Thank you again, Nannette.

7 a.m. Sort of asleep again!

7:55 a.m. Thank you, Mother, for waking me up to let me know you're not coming today to help keep me sane, er, I mean, help with the kids.

8:45 a.m. Still awake. Thank you again, Mother!

10 a.m. Worked out while the kids watch Sesame Street. Got new 10 lb handweights. Roar!

10:30 a.m. Stopped in the middle to clean Yemi's potty and get jelly beans (for her). Yay Yemi!

10:55 a.m. Stopped again to clean Yemi's potty and get jelly beans for her and Selah this time.

12 Made up a new game with Yemi...When she throws her veggie on the floor, she has to eat an extra one. Who wins this game? ME!

1:00 One minute, I'm cleaning the bathroom because company is coming over, and the next, I'm scooping poop out of the bathtub because Yemi...yeah. She did. Oh my gosh. So gross.

1:10 Put Yemi back in the tub and she looks up at me and says so sweetly, "Thank You, Momma." She didn't think she'd get to go back in.

1:30 Stepped both bare feet into Yemi's puddle in her bedroom. Wonderful.

1:40 Played Uno with Selah.

2:00-4 Talked with the Lord and tried to close my eyes for a while. Sent Selah back upstairs twice.

5 Got the house completely beautiful for company.

5:35 Found out company was not coming because of the snow. Of course.

7 There was one single moment of silence. Just one. It was a healing time for me.

The Solid Rock of Brotherhood

I am so glad that Jack started off our day today with Martin Luther King, Jr.'s speech (on TV). I just added (on TV) as an afterthought because I had this funny idea that you guys were thinking he woke us up quoting "I Have A Dream". That would have been something!

But anyway, the whole family watched the speech and it was so stirring. I wanted to write a few comments about it, and there's a link as well if you want to watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbUtL_0vAJk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

*As we were watching Dr. King speak, Selah says, "Wow. He is really in love with Jesus!"

*I felt really shocked that it was only 50 years ago that such blatant and ridiculous injustice was practiced (and legal) in our country. What were they thinking? That was not that long ago.

*I liked the part of his speech about "I have a dream that little black boys and little black girls around the country will hold hands with little white boys and little white girls and live as brothers and sisters." It makes me happy to see that in my home, and it makes me happy that my generation is stomping out old beliefs and prejudices that would feel that white people and black people can't make a family together. I was like, "Preach, brother!!"

*Later today I was reminded (by a t-shirt I was wearing actually) that in '63 when MLK made his speech, African-Americans were being oppressed, and in '73 the oppression of the unborn began. Friends, it is the same thing. We are trying to make members of our society invisible, nameless, and voiceless...literally. We must stand for the rights of the unborn. Period.

*Lastly, I was proud of the "whites" who stood with the "blacks" during this time in history. There is something so precious about a safe and accepted person taking up the cause of those in danger, those rejected. It is so beautiful. I can't remember what book I read or who said this, but it's just the idea that "if you can't have freedom, I certainly won't either...I won't enjoy mine, until you have your's." Oh, that is so Jesus. I want to be like that!

I wrote a song a while back called "To the End" and it's going to be on my next CD...if there is a next CD. I want to share the chorus of it, because it is about this very thing. I wrote it during our adoption journey, but I wasn't just talking about adoption at all. I was talking about abortion, modern day slavery, child trafficking, the persecuted church, or even people with cancer. I'm talking about standing for love and justice, with the oppressed, and making it your personal business to intervene in any way the Lord lets you.

"'cause when your morning comes, I wanna have fought for you all night

I wanna see you stare in wonder at the beauty of His might

and when your shouts of freedom echo all across the kingdom

I wanna stand and sing with you...I wanna be there, too...

This is about who we are right now, this is about who we are right now, this is about who we are right now to the end..."

Cold Hands, Warm Heart

I remember one time my youth minister, Kerry, held my hand during prayer at a Bible Study (we were all holding hands, just fyi!) and he said, "Lyndsay, your hands are so cold, but you know what they say: 'Cold hands, warm heart, you must be in love.'" I was. But that had nothing to do it, and that is the weirdest statement in the free world.

I don't like cold hands, because by now, this far into winter, they're cracked and horrid, especially if I dare to do dishes without gloves...and I don't own gloves, so...

But today Jack darling sent me a cool link, and I shall share it with you, fellow-wanna-be-hibernators!

http://usat.me?42511436

It's Electric, Boogie Woogie...and Abiding in Christ

So yesterday I couldn't blog, and today when I tried, the internet wasn't working (is this Africa or what, people?), and tonight here I am with Jack's computer on and I am 48 minutes late for bedtime. Needless to say, I'll be writing quick. It's not that I'm bursting with such inspiration about winter, I will tell you that much. It is so freezing cold outside and staticky inside; my skin is dry and I haven't lost the goosebumps long enough to have a chance to shave my legs in...well, TMI.

About winter, I can say this: It is so uncomfortable that it makes the smallest things, for me anyway, so blissful. It's like a big glass of ice water on a 100 degree day in July...just blissful. Well, today I accidentally left my electric blanket on while we were at church and then when I came home, I crawled into bed and...rapture!!! It's the little things, you know?

There really are many things I would like to blog about right now. From big to small, mainly small. I'm feeling a little distant and distracted from my own heart, and it does help me to write about it. It's weird--and I'm saying this so honestly because I think it may be poignant to you as well, maybe--that distance and distraction from myself, from the Lord, from stillness, is a warning. It's an important warning...It's like before I even get myself involved in something that is going to take some of my attention, thoughts, focus, etc, I begin to feel this warning. It's an alarm that says, "If just thinking about this is taking you away from what the Lord told you to be thinking about, then the thing itself is definitely off limits for now."

I realize I'm being vague, but I just am having these thoughts roll around in my mind. It's hard to stay still. I do get ideas of things I want to do. They aren't super important like they would have been to me in the past, but they are cool ideas that I would enjoy and maybe are the Lord's will. And just as a disclaimer, I need to say that they could be, in a different season, exactly what God wants me thinking about and working out the details of. But as this year began, my heart was set on one thing, just rolling over from 2010, I want to learn how to truly dwell with the Lord. I know that doesn't mean sitting literally with my Bible open all day, because He has given me things to take care of; I am learning how dwelling with Him has a lot to do with my heart, soul, mind, and strength...what I care most about deep down, my motives, my desires, what I want in the end, what I put my time, energy, and thoughts into all day, what makes me feel complete or successful. Literally, what am I thinking about all day? What am I trying to figure out or fix or work out? The answer tells me what I love, maybe even what I worship. I want Jesus in this place.

Well, anyway, I just feel a warning and I want to heed it. With the free time of my mind, with the free time of my day (so precious little there is), am I free to do what I want? With my will turned toward Him, regardless of how I feel and the lazy choices I may make, I'm really not free to do what I want IF I want Him in the way I say I want Him. I say about God, "Oh, He doesn't want anything from me. Such relief, such freedom to just be and not have to perform and measure up!" And that is 100% true. Yet it is equally true, oh so unbelievably true, that He wants everything from me!! Not anything...yet everything.

We talked about this at church tonight; it's so hard to put into words, this issue of abiding. John 15 describes it best, of course. But something that struck me as we were talking is that if I had to describe abiding in Christ, like my personal experience with this, I would talk about what had to go and get out of the way first, what space had to be made for Him. He will not abide with sin, we all know that; He will kindly work out those thorns, He will bring light to the darkness and overcome it. But maybe less realized, at least for me it was, is that He will not share space with all our self-focused obsessions, goals, demands of Him, self-consciousness, judgments, materialism, unforgiveness, even dreams sometimes if they are not surrendered (whatever it is we find ourselves longing for and daydreaming about); He won't share mental and emotional space with other lovers, so it begs us to begin clearing out what our mind and heart are set on all of our waking hours. Is there room for Him to abide? Is there room for scripture, or His beauty and characteristics, or Him talking with you or is it very packed with to-do lists, goals you've set for yourself that keep you going, etc? I don't know. It's different for everybody, but one thing I am pretty sure most American Christians have in common is that they aren't careful in the planning of their days, meaning they don't plan their time and energy around making space for the Lord to commune with them. Sickness and kids and a few other things led me to a quieter, smaller life, and when I spend time with women I thought they would think my life was kind of less, kind of pitiful, kind of lazy or defeated even because I'm not "doing" anything besides taking care of me, my family, and knowing Jesus. But instead, I sense that they kind of wish they could leave it all behind like I did. They can.

Maybe this new year could start off with the journey of housecleaning...If you're like me, you're like, "Okay, let's do that right now. I want to do it once and walk on." But it doesn't work that way. It is a constant thing of going, "What was I just thinking about and why?" or "What did I just get upset about and why?" Then, inwardly turning back to the Lord in communion with Him. This is not a witch hunt, we're not going inside looking for stuff to be condemned about! This is taking the words "I desire to abide in the Lord with my heart and mind more" and making it a practice and a discipline. We're going deeper and growing more mature through this, and in the meantime, realizing how we are absolutely just at the beginning! Yes, friends, this is elementary, and yet it is the sum total. It's not a means to an end, it is the end. This is a huge challenge...so much to grasp of the Lord!! He is so good, and He rewards those who diligently seek Him, just to know Him and nothing more.

He also rewards those who don't go to bed this late. Yikes! Goodnight! Thanks for reading.

Everybody Has Those Days...

...I just have more of them. I have been so tired this week! Along with that comes such a lack of mojo. Gee whiz. I can hardly stand myself. Although the winter is part of it, I certainly can't force full responsibility on it. It's actually been gorgeous outside. If it's going to be cold, at least it's beautiful! In the midst of my lack, I thank God for the unmerited favor and unconditional love He has for me. I receive it. I take it. I'm hungry and thirsty for it, and can't live without it. Grace. I wrote a song a long time ago that says, "I am just a beggar really, arms outstretched...for one more handout, one more chance, one more anything."

Last night Jack and I listened to Misty Edwards preach on ihop.org, and she was talking about how our minds are so full, so active, always thinking about what someone said or what we said, or the future...it's like a movie going on and on. And she said God made us like that on purpose and that very space was fashioned for Him to dwell with us. We are used to filling it with a million other things, and sometimes that's appropriate obviously to think through other things, but how many hours could our minds be focused on the Lord each day when it's just going to be running anyway? Misty said she hopes someday her daydreams are about Jesus. Me, too! That's my new hope, anyway. :)

Last night, after listening to this, I was trying to spend time with my mind focused on Jesus, and found myself praying for everybody and everything instead, then eventually distracted completely and thinking about myself. So, I've compiled a list to help myself train my mind in this. Here are some sort of tangible things I can set my mind on:

*Scriptures: Right now, I have a goal to read Song of Solomon, Proverbs, John, and Revelation 12 times this year. I can meditate on a small line of scripture, taking one word at a time. Or I can take a line and picture it; whatever I think the outcome could be, just visualize the story, image, etc. and dwell on the beauty.

*Worship: Make lists of the attributes and characteristics of God in my mind. Make up short meditative songs, like little mantras. It's amazing how truth becomes alive when you do this! It can be the smallest thing, like "Jesus loves me". Sing to Him, especially songs that are straight to Him and magnify Him!

*Promises/Words: Think about times God has spoken to me, helped me, healed me, given me a word of encouragement, or sent something to me at just the right time. We call these things to mind, as the Bible says, therefore we have hope. How neat to have a smile on your face because you're secretly adoring Jesus.

He wants our mind, and that requires discipline. As I'm reading in Proverbs, discipline is a fruit of wisdom, and that means it is a reward! It is a gooooooood thing. It is a gift. One prayer I really need to get back to praying (137 x a day if need be) is, "Lord, help me love wisdom. Help me desire what is right, good, and wise, because on my own, I am the opposite. I am lazy and rebellious. Only You can change me!" Setting our minds on things above...wherever, whenever, it's Heaven practice.

Wordless Wednesday (Photos by Jack)

Butt-Grab Chili

(Yemi made this at library class.)

Hee hee. Yes, "Butt-Grab Chili" is exactly what I meant to write! I want to give you an awesome recipe for chili, and a funny story to go with. Today, we had this delicious meal along with some cheese, crackers, and broccoli. Wish I had a picture. I do have a picture actually; however, something most usually goes wrong between me and technology that disables me from appearing as cool and blogalicious as I would like to be. :)

Here's the recipe:

1 lb. of Laura's lean ground beef, browned

1 minced onion, browned with the beef

1 can kidney beans

1 can chili beans

1 29 oz can tomato sauce

1 tbsp worchestire sauce

1 chili mix packet

Cook on low for about 40 minutes. YUM. The kids love it, beans and all.

And the story: We were having dinner with one of our favorite families in the world, the Henwoods, and Jeff and Mary told us the history of the chili they served us that night. They had been assigned to bring the chili to some church gathering, and Jeff thought he was the only supplier so he had brought a ton of it. Turns out it was a chili cook-off...But anyway, that's not the funny part. Everyone was talking about how great his chili was, and this woman came up behind him and grabbed his butt! He whips around, somewhat expecting it to be Mary, but alas it was a mortified woman who had the wrong husband in mind...or hand, I should say. Jeff shaves his head, so we do have to be careful, those of us with bald hubbies. :) Anyway, thus and therefore, the chili is forevermore called "butt-grab chili". Enjoy this winter sensation!!

Hmm...

So, today I was thinking, "What the heck can I say about winter today? It is cold and I am tired and wah, wah, wah!" I told my mother-in-law/mentor/great friend that there had better be at least 90 good things about winter because that's how many days I committed to write about it. :)

A few good things about this frosty season came to mind, things I'll write about in the next few days maybe, but the best part of my day was when I walked into my friend's home for prayer group tonight. It had been a rough day for me. I just woke up exhausted, a very familiar feeling and of course one that I dread. I immediately started standing my ground against the enemy, got up, made a healthy breakfast, took my vitamins and supplements, but about 1 hour later ended up next to Yemi watching Sesame Street. When I mustered up the strength to go get dressed, Yemi (who is just now talking, so every syllable is precious) says, "Mommy, get back in bed!" I was like, "Okay!!"

By God's grace, we made it to the grocery, and I felt Him answer my prayers of "Lord, help me enjoy this." He is only waiting to be asked!! I have learned this lesson!! I am dependent. I can't care about anything unless He puts that care in me. Sad, but I'm done being depressed about my condition. I'm hopeless...and where I end, He begins. Really. It's TRUE! So, I came home actually excited about the new things I had bought, stuff I hadn't had in a while, like blue corn chips and Newman's Own salsa with flaxseeds added.

But Jack come home and Selah came home, and all of a sudden I started to feel stressed and like I wanted to just escape. The kids were loud, and things were chaotic, and I didn't feel good enough to get up and gain control over the rest of the schedule for the day. While I made dinner, I ate about 25 Hershey kisses. Not that that totally negates the fact that I lifted weights and ate so beautifully all day besides the kisses, but you know, that's a bummer. Those moments when I "don't care" are the reason why I am working so hard and not losing weight. That 10% of the time is practically canceling out the 90%.

I decided to go to worship at EHOP, and if you hadn't heard about that yet, oh I would love to tell you. Will blog about it sometime. Best secret in town!! Then, I walked into my friend's home for prayer group. It's just 3 of us right now, but we know how to pray for each other, and it's a great time to unwind and be known. The fireplace was lit and glowing (see, something you don't get in the summer!); the family room was welcoming and warm. Sweet smiles and coming to the Lord together, sharing a lot of the same needs when you get right down to it, was a little oasis. God does want us to have an escape, an oasis...but He is a jealous God, and isn't wanting to share His beloved with other "lovers". He wants us to come and rest in Him, and with our siblings in Christ. When I make chocolate or movies or whatever my rest and relaxation, I think it's like I'm putting off for another day the true rejuvenation I actually am being offered today by the Lord.

Now, chocolate and movies are a superb gift from God, don't get me wrong. But I am stumbling upon something in my spirit when I see that God has something greater for me to escape to...

Home for Dinner

Today we went to my mom and dad's for dinner, to celebrate his 55th birthday. We all look forward to our birthday dinners, because we all get together, but let's face it, it's also for the great food!!! My mom is a wonderful cook, and has several "specialty" meals. One of those meals is: well, before I reveal, I just have to say it sounds yucky but it's really, really good...AND (bonus) it's made in the crock pot. Anything made in the crock pot is made for winter, and is a good thing about winter! Who wants a hot steamy crock pot sitting in their kitchen in July? Hello.

Anyway, so the meal is: pork chops, sauerkraut, au gratin potatoes, corn pudding (which I personally think is yuck, sorry, Mom), and corn muffins. It's a dangerously-void-of-green-vegetables meal, which my dad is probably quite happy about.

The pork chops are first browned in a skillet with olive oil, flour, salt and pepper, then placed in a crock pot on a bed of sauerkraut straight out of the jar. You cook it for something like 6 hours on high or longer on low, and voila! I also like to have mashed potatoes with this meal instead of au gratins because my family makes au gratins with Velveeta, and Velveeta is basically from the devil. It's true. :) And to kick it one more healthy change, a salad would work. My mom is actually an extremely healthy cook, she just makes the bad stuff for certain occasions.

Anyway, yay for warm, steamy, filling winter meals!

Saturday Shopping

One fun thing about winter is...dare I say it...the chance to take back something you got for Christmas that you didn't really need. :) Merchandise credit, baby! And the chance to use Christmas money if you were lucky enough to get some.

Sorry to have such a superficial blog today, but it is wonderfully out of the ordinary for me to actually take pleasure in buying something, and today I got to! I have saved Christmas and birthday money for 2 years, and I was able to purchase a keyboard, stand, and pedal today in Louisville at Willis Music Store! Yippee! It took me a very long time, years even, to decide whether or not I "needed" a keyboard. I don't know if I needed it or not. I don't know if I will do more concerts because I have it or not. I don't know if I'll write more songs because of it or not. But I have prayed about it a long time, and I feel like God wants me to have it. Being ultra-conscious about the issue of Stuff, it's neat to think there are some things and some experiences that may not be a total necessity but still from Him. Neat. Thanks, God (and Mom & Dad, Jack, Leigh & Jon...)!

Reason However Many to Enjoy Winter: 'Cause Right Now Is All We've Got

Today was so fun! When I woke up, I wondered if it was a "snow day"...which never meant anything to me before until this winter, with Selah being in her first year of school now. (My dear husband gets up with Selah, and Yemi and I sleep until 9. I know, I know. Charmed life.) But anyway, we started out the day with breakfast, then playing, then we watched Sesame Street (my fave), and then Toy Story 3. Selah got it for Christmas, but I hadn't watched it yet. Tear, tear!! Then we had lunch, took "naps" (ha ha), did schoolwork, and dressed up like princesses (not me, and sorry there's no pictures of this! I have some great ones but they are still on the camera. Fail.) Then dinner, games, and "Potty Time with Elmo". A little too much TV today, but...yeah. No excuses. This is why I'm not homeschooling.

Of course that movie played a part in me being a little nostalgic the rest of the day, and thinking about how fleeting my moments with my girls are. Our little life, our little family, our little home. Their little shoes, their little clothes, their little faces. I just adore it, I really do. I am so glad I got over my problem of wishing away time; I struggled with that I had as a teenager. (Honestly, I think I was bored for the first 2 decades of my life!) So, I sit and breathe these times in every day, because pictures are helpful, videos are great, but you know what I really and truly have? Nothing but right now. Absolutely nothing. I can try to contain it all I want, hold onto it in every way I can imagine, but the facts are the facts. Right now is all we have.

So whether it's winter or not, I enjoyed this day to the fullest. Fully alive. The glory of God is man fully alive, so it was a worshipful day. Thank You, Lord, for the gift of right now.

I've Got Sunshine...

I wonder if you knew that Vitamin D is more powerful than the flu shot? Sorry to be a horrible blogger and not even have a site to prove it, but there are numerous articles online where it has been tested, and in the "alternative medicine" world it's pretty much a fact. I am giving my girls Vitamin D, about half a dropper full of a concentrated liquid kind, bought at Sonshine Natural Store in Campbellsville. The girls call it their sunshine.

Also, I am taking 5,000 iu of Vitamin D a day because when I was really sick, my doctor did some tests to see if I was low in it. She was the first doctor to do that, after all the specialists I had seen. Come to find out, being seriously low in D and B can make you feel as bad as if you had chronic fatigue syndrome or a sleep disorder. Just makes me want to scream WAKE UP to the medical community! And just FYI, it is not that expensive to have the tests done, pick up some pharmaceutical grade supplements if you have some deficiencies, and be on your merry way. If you do have deficiencies, you could literally feel better in a matter of days. (I did.)

If you have the winter blues, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, you need some drops of sunshine. Get outside every day if you can, absolutely stock up on Vitamin D, and if you're really desperate, paint the inside of your house the color of a lemon. That's what I did! :) As it snows tonight, I pray there is sunshine of many forms in your heart and home. Good night!

A Serious Winter Blah Moment...turned to gold

Hopefully you'll enjoy my new pics. They're cute. Kids are just cute, you know? Every one of them. Even an ugly kid would still be cute. Jack says its so we don't eat them...evolutionarily speaking...lol. Okay, that's the hunger speaking. I think I have a little stomach bug and haven't eaten in a day or so. I feel like I'm over it, but at the same time, feeling a little headachy and queasy still. I want to be WELL so I can go volunteer in Selah's class tomorrow and have friends over for dinner tomorrow evening, but we'll see what happens. I have learned from (sadly) years of not knowing what to expect with my health to accept what comes...

Actually I've been thinking a ton lately about how accepting the chronic illness/fatigue God had allowed into my life LED to more deliverance than all the fighting against it ever did. What I think I've learned is that there are different kinds of suffering, and I'll be quick about explaining it, or at least my take on the matter...

Some suffering, we cause ourselves. We make poor choices or we're ignorant, but the good side of this kind of suffering is that knowledge and discipline can bring healing. When we ask God for miraculous healing, I think it would be wise to ask Him to help us get a clue on what we are doing wrong (physically, spiritually, emotionally), and then take responsibility for it, if that's the case. Some suffering is just plain from the enemy, and he will have whatever authority in the situation that we believe he has. If we know the truth, that he has NO authority, actually, and that prayer and worship can shrink his territory (hallelujah!), then this kind of suffering can come to an end quickly, no need for it to stick around in a believer's life. And lastly, some suffering is handed straight from the Lord for our good and His glory. If we've worked through deciphering our personal suffering, its origin, and we get to this last one and find ourselves in suffering God has brought into our lives, we can know it is beauty. It is a gift. It is as beautiful as the cross of Christ. It, in a way, is the cross of Christ, and He is asking us to carry it with Him. He doesn't always want it to happen quickly, this thing of deliverance. Sometimes He does, for sure, but let's remember we are people of faith, not sight.

Three things these types of suffering have in common: 1) God is in control of it. Nothing comes to us without first passing through His hand. We don't want to believe this; it's painful. But it is more painful to believe God is powerless sometimes, because we know that's just not true. He's either ALL powerful or NOT powerful, we can't have it both ways. Either His word is true and He sees the sparrows, or not. 2) God is beckoning us closer to Him in every moment of trial, no matter the origin, He wants to show His faithfulness, compassion, and presence. He wants to show us what matters, as we die to our strong will about our and other's destinies. 3) God promised it. The Word is full of what to expect, its just that in our culture, and especially our North American Christian culture, somehow people have decided all suffering is from the enemy and therefore if you are suffering, you are somehow not in His will, not praying the right way, not standing strong enough, not knowing what you should know. After ten years of going round and round with this, I have peace in believing my God is not waiting for a magic word.

So, what is He waiting for? I don't think we are to just coast obliviously through. There is a battle, there is a race; we just want to make sure we're spending our energy on the right ones! A few ideas of maybe how He'd like us to respond: Believing in His power and sovereignty in all things, even when it appears His will is not being done; learning humility and the fear of the Lord which ultimately demands nothing from Him, puts us in a place where we do not concern ourselves with matters He has not given us to fix; prizing intimacy with Him above any goal, relationship, ministry, or even calling He has put in our hearts and lives; bringing a sacrifice of praise.

My time in Africa and the "sickness" that resulted from it are a mixture of all three origins of suffering. I wanted God to bring glory to Himself by healing me, and one time He did, for a season. But the things I have learned...I absolutely am so thankful for how these difficulties have changed me. I would be so busy, so lost in people's opinions and praise; I'd be a worker, not a daughter; I wouldn't be learning to love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength because I'd be worshipping all I could do for Him instead of Him. And that's just the beginning. I'm going to let suffering complete it's work in me, all the time stomping on the enemy who wants to make things confusing or worse than they are, and all the time learning about how to be as healthy and wise as I can. (This is the goal anyway!)

So...nothing specific to winter today...but it was last winter that I remember crying all the way home from a family gathering, where I was so sick and tired, and the only thought in my mind all the way home was, "God, You're not going to heal me, are You?" My heart was broken. I had been praying and believing for 9 years, and this was the very first time I allowed myself to be in that place of, really, despair. I remember thinking, "Okay, I am Yours. If you want me sick and unable to care for my kids or do anything I believe You've called me to do, I surrender. It's not my life anyway. If You want me well and able, You're going to have to make it happen, because I give up! Don't expect anything out of me, God, because You're making it impossible, You know!!!" Somehow, peace entered my heart at that time. I realized I needed to go with the flow, trusting that this was His flow. God assured me He didn't want anything from me anyway...not anything that I thought He wanted, that is. He wanted me to let go of my hold on my life, and really say "whatever", even if it was going to be a life of embarrassment, weakness, and nothingness. The journey of weakness had begun 9 years before, but now the journey of accepting it and finding joy in it would begin. And would you believe that 4 months later I met the doctor that knew what was physically wrong with me in one conversation, and I have actually had more wisdom, knowledge, and steps to healing this year than in 10 whole years of searching?

This is not the journey I hoped for, prayed for, or believed for. But it is mine, and I am with Jesus in it, so it's good! For anyone who read this far, bless your heart, and thank you for letting me share my life with you. I'd be happy to talk in person anytime!

Warming Up

Hey Fellow Winter-Lovers! (har har)

I'll tell you, this "only having a computer for 20 minutes a night" thing is cramping my style! I think it may be a good thing, because I certainly can't run the risk of being online too much, but since my computer died and I am using Jack's work one (after work!), it makes communication and blogging a little, um, crunched.

Anyway, today I read a wonderful thing. I'm not going to go on and on about it, I just want to share it, and then I'll tell you my "tip of the day" in regard to warming up in this season of chill. Martha Kilpatrick, whom I cannot recommend more, is a teacher, writer, and godly woman; she's written a small booklet series and it has been so good so far. Today, I had such a short time to read and I really only could digest this one sentence anyway: "If you want to be something in the world, you will be nothing in the Kingdom. If you are willing to be nothing in the world, you will be something in the Kingdom." It is a wonderful shift to think like this. How many times have I thought that when people applauded or looked up to me or wanted to learn from me or were even directly being helped by me then that was proof that I was being something in the Kingdom, that these things were proof that I was living in obedience and God's power? When I look around the world, I see ministries with powerful leaders, and I am not judging them, because I expect and assume that they live in humility and the fear of the Lord, but I then think of all the hundreds and thousands of nameless missionaries, pastors, servants out there who are not writing books and getting tv shows. Many of these servants suffer and never even see on this side of eternity any great and mighty works of God, at least not in the way that would be applauded by the Christian community as it is right now. Well, I said I wasn't going to go on and on...It's something to think about, though, right? And why does it matter? It matters because I have the rest of my life to spend for the Lord, and I don't want to aim for the wrong thing, the wrong picture of what that looks like.

So, if that thought alone doesn't get you all fired up, I have to say here's what I did to warm up today...an extra strenuous workout! (Yuck, I know!) I sweated extra because I hadn't exercised in almost 2 weeks. Yikes. I was like, "Let's take off these ankle weights, girl!" But alas, I had none on. I do intervals of 5 minutes on the treadmill-Not that I am in any position to give advice on this topic-But I walk 3 minutes, jog 1, run 1; then I do that 4 times. It makes the time go by fast, and you will be sweating before you're done, no doubt. Also, getting everything moving really does keep you warm for hours afterward. Just think, if we work out enough during the sweater and coat months, we might just be surprised come shorts weather. :) Happy Winter, everyone!

Day Two of the Winter Blahs Blog

So our planet is too far away and too tilted to get much of the precious light and heat of the sun this time of year, or something like that (I was never very good at science) and that, my friends, stinks.

But this blog is all about helping myself and others joyfully survive my least favorite season, so let's think about the good in this! Today what I was really thinking about, honestly, not just for this blog, was how Jesus is our Life Light.

In John, which I've just started reading again, he talks about Jesus being the light of man. It sounds like something from the Lord of the Rings. In the age of man, there is darkness, but when the Light appeared and made His dwelling here among us, "the darkness could not overcome it." Sometimes my perspective of the world and it's mess is that darkness has overcome, and we are waiting for rescue. In a way this is true, but if the real live Jesus lives in us and He is our Life Light, then WE overcome the darkness by simply setting foot in a place and knowing our authority there, knowing His authority there. As believers, what would happen if we believed and lived out this fact that the enemy has no authority over our lives, thoughts, actions, words...? I have been contemplating lately how many suggestions of the enemy tend to quietly come in, then change my feelings, moods, and actions in the end. A suggestion of the enemy can unwind my whole day, a relationship, a conversation, an attitude, a decision or direction...and to think, he had no authority in the room whatsoever.

I was watching my favorite show, Alias, one time. The "bad guy" came in the room where these CIA agents were making an important decision, and he made a suggestion about their course of action, and my favorite character, Sydney Bristow, looked at this guy for a split second then turned around to the rest of the team and quickly said, "He has no authority here. His way won't be considered." I guess for this to make sense you'd have to have some kind of topic in your own life that isn't victorious; since I do, it is really clicking with me. How many times have I started out something that really was wise and good, and from the Lord, and a few days in I lost sight and gave up? That's evidence of an enemy, and I am not that enemy.

Anyway, I don't have a lot of time to blog so I don't know if this darkness and light idea went in the right direction, but I know that we are truly dim and will remain so until we come near to the Lord. I mean that quite literally! I wake up to a brand new chance every morning, but my lights are not on...I am out of it, not excited about the day, about to just go through the motions of a dimly lit heart and mind. But God invites us to come into the Light, acknowledge the burning of the Holy Spirit's flame inside of us, through eating some of His Word for breakfast and worshipping at His throne for a coffee break. As we are in the Light, the darkness will not overcome us. We may not be close to the sun these days, but we can get closer than ever to the Light.

Winter Blahs Blog: Day One

So, tis January 2nd, and my "Winter Blahs Blog" hath begun!

The reason I am doing this (this being: writing about how to make it through the winter every day) is because winter is my least favorite season, and that is putting it nicely. Winter is hard for me on every level, and for a variety of reasons...but this year as it was coming, I felt the Lord saying to not dread it, but embrace it, that He would be there in the midst of it. And He already has been, in a big way! For me, there are tons of parallels to the Lord hidden in each of the seasons. Unfortunately, winter usually parallels to me to be a time of cold, dead, harsh difficulty, both physically and spiritually, like a suffering you just have to go through. I have a hard time enjoying the beauty of winter, because all I can see is the absence of the things I love: green, warm, sun, color. And without beauty, it's hard to relax. I don't feel unfolded before the Lord, I feel tired and frozen in the winter; some people call these times "winters of the soul". I totally get that phrase, and of course these winters don't just happen in the winter! Well...

Today at church a girl got up and shared how God has spoken to her recently. She mentioned this movie she had seen about this dog that was taken in and loved by this man, but the man died, and the dog just kept going back to that same spot anyway, looking for him, waiting for him, whether he came or not. As I listened to this, I thought, "I want to be like that dog. I want to go to the Lord and sit at His feet whether He looks my way or not. I want to go whether He shows up or not. I have to stay there, regardless of what He does, that is my destiny." Now, I believe God is always there...He's there long before I come to Him. But sometimes we worship how He makes us feel; we worship the dreams, revelations, new teachings, feelings, words of encouragement, even words of rebuke. But Jesus wants all-weather friends. He wants those who will sit on the icy bench in the garden, whether they feel His warm embrace or not.

So this winter, let it get as cold and miserable as it wants...physically, spiritually, whatever. We will come to the Lord for everything, and He will be exactly what we need, even if that means we still feel cold inside and out after we come. There is no doubt in my heart and mind that if we keep coming, His heart will be so overjoyed that it will spill over onto us in due time.

Unexpected Beginnings

Today was...interesting.

We ended up unexpectedly at the church where Jack and I got married...exactly ten years from the day of our wedding...but this time we were there for a funeral. Jack's stepfather's brother passed away this week after a battle with cancer. He was a young, handsome, and happy man; father of two, grandfather of a little girl, and very well-loved. Jack's brother, Joe, did a truly wonderful job of being the pastor at the funeral and sharing Jesus in a personal way to those who came to pay their respects. I didn't really know this uncle very well at all, had only seen him a few times really, but I was very sad to see my loved ones sad. The good news, as it was well declared today, is that he is no longer suffering and quite ecstatic actually to be where he is, ahead of us all, with Jesus.

So, it's interesting to think about an "end" on the very first day of a New Year, but also so very fitting! When all this is over, we will finally begin. Nobody likes a funeral, but honestly it's moments like that, days like today, that make us think about what we want to be remembered for and how we should, as believers, really feel about saying goodbye. Today made me and Jack want to plan our funerals...I just don't want my funeral to be churchy. I want to give people a chance to grieve and say goodbye to me, because our psyches need that, but I don't want the old songs and the big box and the quiet. I don't want people to gather around an empty shell of a body that caused me all kinds of grief, even if that is the face they loved; I want pictures, music, books, whatever people thought of when they thought of me, and ultimately I want people to worship the Lord. I want them to forget about themselves and enjoy the Lord's presence. I want a great praise band. I want people to celebrate my homecoming, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter what circumstances or timing led to my death, I am at peace with the way the Lord let it all go down. I am His, and He knows the number of my days. Not a sparrow falls to the ground without His knowledge and I am worth much more than that...and so are you! I know I'm weaving together a bunch of random thoughts, but wouldn't it be cool if all of my stuff (that my family didn't want, I guess) was set out at my funeral for people to take home with them if they shared a memory of me with that item?

So...sobering thoughts. As this family grieves their loss, my prayer for them is that the Lord would bring them deeper and farther and higher into His arms, into a new level of walking with Him, so that when their time comes...they're glad.