Hi Friends!

Well, we had a nice little "psych" from Spring yesterday, didn't we? I had a funny response to it. As thrilled as I was to go outside without socks or a coat on, I thought to myself, "wow, I haven't even made a couple of those soup recipes yet and it's already getting warm!" Not that I was complaining...I just have to admit that thought ran through my mind. The sunshine was good for my soul, and then of course it was pretty much a normal blustery winter again today. It has been a very, um, interesting month and a half since Christmas. It feels like a year and a half since Christmas to me. Everyone in my family has been sick twice, and I've been the healthiest one of all as opposed to several winters past. Yay for good nutrition, supplements, and getting as much rest as humanly (and motherly) possible.
I have missed writing, blogging, etc, but at the same time it has sort of been nice to not have a computer and not feel responsible to do the things one does when they have a computer at their constant disposal (that can't be the right word...disposal? That makes no sense. I don't know.) Anyway, I have felt more focused at times without Facebook and blogging available to me; yet it is a balance, an important balance, because all work and no play makes Jack's wife a dull girl.
My mind has been on a lot of things in the past 2 months while I haven't been sharing much out loud. I am embracing my calling as wife and mom in a deeper way, and relying 100% on the Lord for what I need to do that. I am sitting in a place where I can receive grace (meaning, I really know I need it). I am literally reveling in the Lord and smiling at the way He sees more, which leads to more worship, more intimacy, more strength, more joy. I can tell people are praying seriously for me, and I am so grateful. I'm seeing the Lord open a couple of doors for me to sing again, and the best part is, I know I can completely be myself and offer what small gift I have to offer and not look back wondering if I was good enough or deep enough or not too whatever. I had felt free in the past, but somehow in my serious issues with church/ministry I had lost that freedom. I am free again because the Lord is teaching me how unimportant I truly am in the whole thing...What a concept. It's wonderful. I really can "just be."
Hope to be back again to blog soon, because I have a couple things to write about...but we'll see! Blessings-

Nutrition Group!?!

I am really excited about an idea...

And it feels do-able...

So here's the details:

Over the past couple of years, I have come across a good bit of pretty life-changing information about food. When you have kids, you typically start looking into the health of what they're eating (since they eat so much and so often!), plus I wanted to lose weight, plus I was dealing with fatigue, insomnia, and just illness in general. As stones were turned over and I put things in practice, I began to see long term change in each of these areas. Now, the real issue is do I follow all the good advice and do all I should now that I know what I know? Unfortunately, I can't always say I do...but when I do, I absolutely see results and I know that if I can see results on the outside, then there are definitely results on the inside. (Plus, blood tests have proved it anyway.)

So, what I want to do is start a nutrition class/support group, and share what I have learned (and am still learning!) I want to cover what to eat, what not to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, and the biggest thing: the why behind it all. I want to talk about issues like good fats that you need to cook with/eat vs. ingredients that you should really never put in your body. I'd also like to talk about weight loss stuff (I'm always drawn to this topic because it's always been an issue for me) and using food, supplements, and natural medicine to deal with many illnesses that especially women deal with. After the "teaching" time is done, (maybe four sessions) we could continue to see each other once a month just for support. I could personally use that. It is hard to stay on the straight and narrow!!!

I do sometimes wonder if everyone else already knows this information and I was the slow one...If that is the case, we can at least be a support group for each other even if no one learns anything new!

If you read this blog and are interested in joining the group, respond by answering some of these questions:

*Would you rather come to a one-time seminar or 4 meetings (once a week for a month)?

*Would you be interested in continuing as a support group for a few months after the teaching?

*Would you want to come mornings or evenings?

*Would you like to be notified when I write a nutrition blog?

Thanks! I really believe there is a lot of unnecessary suffering--sometimes even in things as serious as insomnia, depression, fatigue, diabetes, obesity--due to lack of knowledge. I have SO much to learn and what I have learned, I want to share!

Let the Sun Shine!!

I was so thrilled to have some sunshine these past few days. That, a extra couple of hours of sleep last night, and a good talk with the Lord, have finally brought some hope to my shriveled up little soul! I feel like I can finally write again and possibly have something to say. My goodness, it has been a rough month for me. I had hoped to sort of encourage myself and others through the winter, and I've failed pretty miserably. I have been tired and grumpy, trying to do things that make for good health, but not seeing many results, and then other times not exactly "deserving" any results at all. I don't have a computer to write/blog on, I don't have a place to even put my pictures to use online, and I was hoping for those outlets this particular season...but it was not meant to be. And that's okay. Lots of things break and fail, and the more I live, the more I see how incapable I am to do even the smallest things I set out to do.

Could this story end well? Surprisingly, it does! Wow, it really does. Until you've been in this place, it will all sound ridiculous...so there's the warning. But honestly, yesterday I was just crying out to the Lord, telling Him how impossible it was for me to handle all this, how I keep trying to change and rise up but I can't. And I felt that He was saying to accept myself as I was, really look at the truth for a moment. Before I could argue and say, "What good will that do? When I feel and act like this, I'm not acceptable, Lord, so I can't..." He was saying, "You have to accept who you are before My help comes, in order to receive My help." I think it's called humility.

I had to admit who I am without Him. I had to dwell there and really look at it. Then I could truly know there is no hope for me on my own, and could ask with the correct perspective for Him to come in and do what only He could do. I had to believe that only He could do it, not me even on my best day. See, I was depending on myself to have enough good days-mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually-to live a good life for the Lord...to do the daily things that make me feel like I am living a good life for the Lord anyway. Hilarious! We certainly can't depend on such an unsteady thing. I asked and He answered, and we're just going to have to go through this a million more times until I get it. There is a fine line between trying to live in discipline and victory and obedience, and just plain self-righteousness. I don't get the distinction. I mean, I obviously know there is a distinction, but I certainly have a hard time along the course of my week knowing which I am living in. It has everything to do with remembering what I understood to be true last night: If I am doing poorly, Jesus is my only hope to rise up and have joy and life again. I must come to Him and ask and wait. If I am doing well, it had absolutely nothing to do with me and my abilities...Jesus is being merciful. Oh, be merciful again!

I wrote a song this week; here's the first verse...

"Seems like I'm doing fine except when I'm not

I'm sure as I can be and then I can't be sure at all

I can do anything except when I can't

and when I can't remember why, oh when I can't remember why,

when I can't remember why I should still try to try,

stay by my side."

Snow Days

Well, I'm sure it didn't matter to anyone else, but I am bummed that I am not able to do my idea of writing everyday about winter! The past week I had no access to the computer but honestly, I was having a hard time being positive about winter as well! Just tired and stuff. Also, I am taking these beautiful pictures but can't put them on my computer/blogs for awhile, so that sort of detracts from the fun of it. BUT...here I am today, and I will tell you I have missed writing. I need to write. For an introvert, it's just the perfect form of communication.

So I guess my encouragement about winter today came from Jack. We have had about 4 snow days in the past 2 weeks, if I'm remembering correctly (which I may not be, to be honest, it's been that kind of a week!) Selah mentioned that she didn't get > go out and play in the snow several of those days, because "my mommy hates the cold!" Jack overheard her telling someone this, and he got sad because he loves going out there with her, but was working long hours those particular days.

So yesterday, they spent hours out there together. I don't know what they do or how they stand it, but they had a wonderful time and Jack told me today, "It broke my heart to miss going out there to play with her. Snows don't come that often, and I only have about ten good years with her where she is really going to want to go out there with me. I can do stuff like work anytime, but that's special." I love him. Being so deep and constant in the midst of this thing called a home life sometimes takes away my gratitude and awe for a while.

I have had a rough week but after this conversation, I felt different. Selah is only five, but she's so much more mature than I expected at this age. I really value her company, even if she does toot on me and whine (loudly) when I get on the phone. I love the smell of her hair and the way her eyes look when she first gets up in the morning. And Yemi...oh Yemi. She is 2 1/2 going on 1. She's hilarious, and while she's a handful that I need a break from sometimes, that child is so unique and beautiful, and learning all kinds of sweet things from her sis. Today Selah hurt her toe and Yemi got on the floor and kissed it for her!

I love my life. I need help to not slip into certain problems in this life, like boredom (not like I don't have enough to do, just sick of it) and seclusion (out of necessity due to sickness or snow or tired kids) and even depression (when I cannot seem to remember why I'm doing what I'm doing, when I can't remember HOW to do it with energy and joy).

So, enjoy the snow days...enjoy the hot chocolate...enjoy the 17 layers of clothes laid out to dry by your front door. We only have about 10 good years of it. And if you think that's a long time, you're a lot younger than me!!!

What a Day

"Do not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up!" Sorry to not have the reference to this scripture...it is downstairs in my room and I am up here, and after I tell you about my day, you will understand why that feels like such a long journey.

I have put in an honest day's work today, like every one of you good mommas (and definitely daddies, too) out there. I feel like I put in several days in one today...

So let me tell you about my honest day's work. Since I haven't gotten to facebook lately, I will write it out in facebook status mode:

6 a.m. Thank you, Nannette, for waking me up to let me know Selah will be home today to drive me crazy, er, I mean, to play with.

6:30 a.m. Still awake. Thank you again, Nannette.

7 a.m. Sort of asleep again!

7:55 a.m. Thank you, Mother, for waking me up to let me know you're not coming today to help keep me sane, er, I mean, help with the kids.

8:45 a.m. Still awake. Thank you again, Mother!

10 a.m. Worked out while the kids watch Sesame Street. Got new 10 lb handweights. Roar!

10:30 a.m. Stopped in the middle to clean Yemi's potty and get jelly beans (for her). Yay Yemi!

10:55 a.m. Stopped again to clean Yemi's potty and get jelly beans for her and Selah this time.

12 Made up a new game with Yemi...When she throws her veggie on the floor, she has to eat an extra one. Who wins this game? ME!

1:00 One minute, I'm cleaning the bathroom because company is coming over, and the next, I'm scooping poop out of the bathtub because Yemi...yeah. She did. Oh my gosh. So gross.

1:10 Put Yemi back in the tub and she looks up at me and says so sweetly, "Thank You, Momma." She didn't think she'd get to go back in.

1:30 Stepped both bare feet into Yemi's puddle in her bedroom. Wonderful.

1:40 Played Uno with Selah.

2:00-4 Talked with the Lord and tried to close my eyes for a while. Sent Selah back upstairs twice.

5 Got the house completely beautiful for company.

5:35 Found out company was not coming because of the snow. Of course.

7 There was one single moment of silence. Just one. It was a healing time for me.

The Solid Rock of Brotherhood

I am so glad that Jack started off our day today with Martin Luther King, Jr.'s speech (on TV). I just added (on TV) as an afterthought because I had this funny idea that you guys were thinking he woke us up quoting "I Have A Dream". That would have been something!

But anyway, the whole family watched the speech and it was so stirring. I wanted to write a few comments about it, and there's a link as well if you want to watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbUtL_0vAJk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

*As we were watching Dr. King speak, Selah says, "Wow. He is really in love with Jesus!"

*I felt really shocked that it was only 50 years ago that such blatant and ridiculous injustice was practiced (and legal) in our country. What were they thinking? That was not that long ago.

*I liked the part of his speech about "I have a dream that little black boys and little black girls around the country will hold hands with little white boys and little white girls and live as brothers and sisters." It makes me happy to see that in my home, and it makes me happy that my generation is stomping out old beliefs and prejudices that would feel that white people and black people can't make a family together. I was like, "Preach, brother!!"

*Later today I was reminded (by a t-shirt I was wearing actually) that in '63 when MLK made his speech, African-Americans were being oppressed, and in '73 the oppression of the unborn began. Friends, it is the same thing. We are trying to make members of our society invisible, nameless, and voiceless...literally. We must stand for the rights of the unborn. Period.

*Lastly, I was proud of the "whites" who stood with the "blacks" during this time in history. There is something so precious about a safe and accepted person taking up the cause of those in danger, those rejected. It is so beautiful. I can't remember what book I read or who said this, but it's just the idea that "if you can't have freedom, I certainly won't either...I won't enjoy mine, until you have your's." Oh, that is so Jesus. I want to be like that!

I wrote a song a while back called "To the End" and it's going to be on my next CD...if there is a next CD. I want to share the chorus of it, because it is about this very thing. I wrote it during our adoption journey, but I wasn't just talking about adoption at all. I was talking about abortion, modern day slavery, child trafficking, the persecuted church, or even people with cancer. I'm talking about standing for love and justice, with the oppressed, and making it your personal business to intervene in any way the Lord lets you.

"'cause when your morning comes, I wanna have fought for you all night

I wanna see you stare in wonder at the beauty of His might

and when your shouts of freedom echo all across the kingdom

I wanna stand and sing with you...I wanna be there, too...

This is about who we are right now, this is about who we are right now, this is about who we are right now to the end..."

Cold Hands, Warm Heart

I remember one time my youth minister, Kerry, held my hand during prayer at a Bible Study (we were all holding hands, just fyi!) and he said, "Lyndsay, your hands are so cold, but you know what they say: 'Cold hands, warm heart, you must be in love.'" I was. But that had nothing to do it, and that is the weirdest statement in the free world.

I don't like cold hands, because by now, this far into winter, they're cracked and horrid, especially if I dare to do dishes without gloves...and I don't own gloves, so...

But today Jack darling sent me a cool link, and I shall share it with you, fellow-wanna-be-hibernators!

http://usat.me?42511436

It's Electric, Boogie Woogie...and Abiding in Christ

So yesterday I couldn't blog, and today when I tried, the internet wasn't working (is this Africa or what, people?), and tonight here I am with Jack's computer on and I am 48 minutes late for bedtime. Needless to say, I'll be writing quick. It's not that I'm bursting with such inspiration about winter, I will tell you that much. It is so freezing cold outside and staticky inside; my skin is dry and I haven't lost the goosebumps long enough to have a chance to shave my legs in...well, TMI.

About winter, I can say this: It is so uncomfortable that it makes the smallest things, for me anyway, so blissful. It's like a big glass of ice water on a 100 degree day in July...just blissful. Well, today I accidentally left my electric blanket on while we were at church and then when I came home, I crawled into bed and...rapture!!! It's the little things, you know?

There really are many things I would like to blog about right now. From big to small, mainly small. I'm feeling a little distant and distracted from my own heart, and it does help me to write about it. It's weird--and I'm saying this so honestly because I think it may be poignant to you as well, maybe--that distance and distraction from myself, from the Lord, from stillness, is a warning. It's an important warning...It's like before I even get myself involved in something that is going to take some of my attention, thoughts, focus, etc, I begin to feel this warning. It's an alarm that says, "If just thinking about this is taking you away from what the Lord told you to be thinking about, then the thing itself is definitely off limits for now."

I realize I'm being vague, but I just am having these thoughts roll around in my mind. It's hard to stay still. I do get ideas of things I want to do. They aren't super important like they would have been to me in the past, but they are cool ideas that I would enjoy and maybe are the Lord's will. And just as a disclaimer, I need to say that they could be, in a different season, exactly what God wants me thinking about and working out the details of. But as this year began, my heart was set on one thing, just rolling over from 2010, I want to learn how to truly dwell with the Lord. I know that doesn't mean sitting literally with my Bible open all day, because He has given me things to take care of; I am learning how dwelling with Him has a lot to do with my heart, soul, mind, and strength...what I care most about deep down, my motives, my desires, what I want in the end, what I put my time, energy, and thoughts into all day, what makes me feel complete or successful. Literally, what am I thinking about all day? What am I trying to figure out or fix or work out? The answer tells me what I love, maybe even what I worship. I want Jesus in this place.

Well, anyway, I just feel a warning and I want to heed it. With the free time of my mind, with the free time of my day (so precious little there is), am I free to do what I want? With my will turned toward Him, regardless of how I feel and the lazy choices I may make, I'm really not free to do what I want IF I want Him in the way I say I want Him. I say about God, "Oh, He doesn't want anything from me. Such relief, such freedom to just be and not have to perform and measure up!" And that is 100% true. Yet it is equally true, oh so unbelievably true, that He wants everything from me!! Not anything...yet everything.

We talked about this at church tonight; it's so hard to put into words, this issue of abiding. John 15 describes it best, of course. But something that struck me as we were talking is that if I had to describe abiding in Christ, like my personal experience with this, I would talk about what had to go and get out of the way first, what space had to be made for Him. He will not abide with sin, we all know that; He will kindly work out those thorns, He will bring light to the darkness and overcome it. But maybe less realized, at least for me it was, is that He will not share space with all our self-focused obsessions, goals, demands of Him, self-consciousness, judgments, materialism, unforgiveness, even dreams sometimes if they are not surrendered (whatever it is we find ourselves longing for and daydreaming about); He won't share mental and emotional space with other lovers, so it begs us to begin clearing out what our mind and heart are set on all of our waking hours. Is there room for Him to abide? Is there room for scripture, or His beauty and characteristics, or Him talking with you or is it very packed with to-do lists, goals you've set for yourself that keep you going, etc? I don't know. It's different for everybody, but one thing I am pretty sure most American Christians have in common is that they aren't careful in the planning of their days, meaning they don't plan their time and energy around making space for the Lord to commune with them. Sickness and kids and a few other things led me to a quieter, smaller life, and when I spend time with women I thought they would think my life was kind of less, kind of pitiful, kind of lazy or defeated even because I'm not "doing" anything besides taking care of me, my family, and knowing Jesus. But instead, I sense that they kind of wish they could leave it all behind like I did. They can.

Maybe this new year could start off with the journey of housecleaning...If you're like me, you're like, "Okay, let's do that right now. I want to do it once and walk on." But it doesn't work that way. It is a constant thing of going, "What was I just thinking about and why?" or "What did I just get upset about and why?" Then, inwardly turning back to the Lord in communion with Him. This is not a witch hunt, we're not going inside looking for stuff to be condemned about! This is taking the words "I desire to abide in the Lord with my heart and mind more" and making it a practice and a discipline. We're going deeper and growing more mature through this, and in the meantime, realizing how we are absolutely just at the beginning! Yes, friends, this is elementary, and yet it is the sum total. It's not a means to an end, it is the end. This is a huge challenge...so much to grasp of the Lord!! He is so good, and He rewards those who diligently seek Him, just to know Him and nothing more.

He also rewards those who don't go to bed this late. Yikes! Goodnight! Thanks for reading.

Everybody Has Those Days...

...I just have more of them. I have been so tired this week! Along with that comes such a lack of mojo. Gee whiz. I can hardly stand myself. Although the winter is part of it, I certainly can't force full responsibility on it. It's actually been gorgeous outside. If it's going to be cold, at least it's beautiful! In the midst of my lack, I thank God for the unmerited favor and unconditional love He has for me. I receive it. I take it. I'm hungry and thirsty for it, and can't live without it. Grace. I wrote a song a long time ago that says, "I am just a beggar really, arms outstretched...for one more handout, one more chance, one more anything."

Last night Jack and I listened to Misty Edwards preach on ihop.org, and she was talking about how our minds are so full, so active, always thinking about what someone said or what we said, or the future...it's like a movie going on and on. And she said God made us like that on purpose and that very space was fashioned for Him to dwell with us. We are used to filling it with a million other things, and sometimes that's appropriate obviously to think through other things, but how many hours could our minds be focused on the Lord each day when it's just going to be running anyway? Misty said she hopes someday her daydreams are about Jesus. Me, too! That's my new hope, anyway. :)

Last night, after listening to this, I was trying to spend time with my mind focused on Jesus, and found myself praying for everybody and everything instead, then eventually distracted completely and thinking about myself. So, I've compiled a list to help myself train my mind in this. Here are some sort of tangible things I can set my mind on:

*Scriptures: Right now, I have a goal to read Song of Solomon, Proverbs, John, and Revelation 12 times this year. I can meditate on a small line of scripture, taking one word at a time. Or I can take a line and picture it; whatever I think the outcome could be, just visualize the story, image, etc. and dwell on the beauty.

*Worship: Make lists of the attributes and characteristics of God in my mind. Make up short meditative songs, like little mantras. It's amazing how truth becomes alive when you do this! It can be the smallest thing, like "Jesus loves me". Sing to Him, especially songs that are straight to Him and magnify Him!

*Promises/Words: Think about times God has spoken to me, helped me, healed me, given me a word of encouragement, or sent something to me at just the right time. We call these things to mind, as the Bible says, therefore we have hope. How neat to have a smile on your face because you're secretly adoring Jesus.

He wants our mind, and that requires discipline. As I'm reading in Proverbs, discipline is a fruit of wisdom, and that means it is a reward! It is a gooooooood thing. It is a gift. One prayer I really need to get back to praying (137 x a day if need be) is, "Lord, help me love wisdom. Help me desire what is right, good, and wise, because on my own, I am the opposite. I am lazy and rebellious. Only You can change me!" Setting our minds on things above...wherever, whenever, it's Heaven practice.

Wordless Wednesday (Photos by Jack)

Butt-Grab Chili

(Yemi made this at library class.)

Hee hee. Yes, "Butt-Grab Chili" is exactly what I meant to write! I want to give you an awesome recipe for chili, and a funny story to go with. Today, we had this delicious meal along with some cheese, crackers, and broccoli. Wish I had a picture. I do have a picture actually; however, something most usually goes wrong between me and technology that disables me from appearing as cool and blogalicious as I would like to be. :)

Here's the recipe:

1 lb. of Laura's lean ground beef, browned

1 minced onion, browned with the beef

1 can kidney beans

1 can chili beans

1 29 oz can tomato sauce

1 tbsp worchestire sauce

1 chili mix packet

Cook on low for about 40 minutes. YUM. The kids love it, beans and all.

And the story: We were having dinner with one of our favorite families in the world, the Henwoods, and Jeff and Mary told us the history of the chili they served us that night. They had been assigned to bring the chili to some church gathering, and Jeff thought he was the only supplier so he had brought a ton of it. Turns out it was a chili cook-off...But anyway, that's not the funny part. Everyone was talking about how great his chili was, and this woman came up behind him and grabbed his butt! He whips around, somewhat expecting it to be Mary, but alas it was a mortified woman who had the wrong husband in mind...or hand, I should say. Jeff shaves his head, so we do have to be careful, those of us with bald hubbies. :) Anyway, thus and therefore, the chili is forevermore called "butt-grab chili". Enjoy this winter sensation!!

Hmm...

So, today I was thinking, "What the heck can I say about winter today? It is cold and I am tired and wah, wah, wah!" I told my mother-in-law/mentor/great friend that there had better be at least 90 good things about winter because that's how many days I committed to write about it. :)

A few good things about this frosty season came to mind, things I'll write about in the next few days maybe, but the best part of my day was when I walked into my friend's home for prayer group tonight. It had been a rough day for me. I just woke up exhausted, a very familiar feeling and of course one that I dread. I immediately started standing my ground against the enemy, got up, made a healthy breakfast, took my vitamins and supplements, but about 1 hour later ended up next to Yemi watching Sesame Street. When I mustered up the strength to go get dressed, Yemi (who is just now talking, so every syllable is precious) says, "Mommy, get back in bed!" I was like, "Okay!!"

By God's grace, we made it to the grocery, and I felt Him answer my prayers of "Lord, help me enjoy this." He is only waiting to be asked!! I have learned this lesson!! I am dependent. I can't care about anything unless He puts that care in me. Sad, but I'm done being depressed about my condition. I'm hopeless...and where I end, He begins. Really. It's TRUE! So, I came home actually excited about the new things I had bought, stuff I hadn't had in a while, like blue corn chips and Newman's Own salsa with flaxseeds added.

But Jack come home and Selah came home, and all of a sudden I started to feel stressed and like I wanted to just escape. The kids were loud, and things were chaotic, and I didn't feel good enough to get up and gain control over the rest of the schedule for the day. While I made dinner, I ate about 25 Hershey kisses. Not that that totally negates the fact that I lifted weights and ate so beautifully all day besides the kisses, but you know, that's a bummer. Those moments when I "don't care" are the reason why I am working so hard and not losing weight. That 10% of the time is practically canceling out the 90%.

I decided to go to worship at EHOP, and if you hadn't heard about that yet, oh I would love to tell you. Will blog about it sometime. Best secret in town!! Then, I walked into my friend's home for prayer group. It's just 3 of us right now, but we know how to pray for each other, and it's a great time to unwind and be known. The fireplace was lit and glowing (see, something you don't get in the summer!); the family room was welcoming and warm. Sweet smiles and coming to the Lord together, sharing a lot of the same needs when you get right down to it, was a little oasis. God does want us to have an escape, an oasis...but He is a jealous God, and isn't wanting to share His beloved with other "lovers". He wants us to come and rest in Him, and with our siblings in Christ. When I make chocolate or movies or whatever my rest and relaxation, I think it's like I'm putting off for another day the true rejuvenation I actually am being offered today by the Lord.

Now, chocolate and movies are a superb gift from God, don't get me wrong. But I am stumbling upon something in my spirit when I see that God has something greater for me to escape to...

Home for Dinner

Today we went to my mom and dad's for dinner, to celebrate his 55th birthday. We all look forward to our birthday dinners, because we all get together, but let's face it, it's also for the great food!!! My mom is a wonderful cook, and has several "specialty" meals. One of those meals is: well, before I reveal, I just have to say it sounds yucky but it's really, really good...AND (bonus) it's made in the crock pot. Anything made in the crock pot is made for winter, and is a good thing about winter! Who wants a hot steamy crock pot sitting in their kitchen in July? Hello.

Anyway, so the meal is: pork chops, sauerkraut, au gratin potatoes, corn pudding (which I personally think is yuck, sorry, Mom), and corn muffins. It's a dangerously-void-of-green-vegetables meal, which my dad is probably quite happy about.

The pork chops are first browned in a skillet with olive oil, flour, salt and pepper, then placed in a crock pot on a bed of sauerkraut straight out of the jar. You cook it for something like 6 hours on high or longer on low, and voila! I also like to have mashed potatoes with this meal instead of au gratins because my family makes au gratins with Velveeta, and Velveeta is basically from the devil. It's true. :) And to kick it one more healthy change, a salad would work. My mom is actually an extremely healthy cook, she just makes the bad stuff for certain occasions.

Anyway, yay for warm, steamy, filling winter meals!

Saturday Shopping

One fun thing about winter is...dare I say it...the chance to take back something you got for Christmas that you didn't really need. :) Merchandise credit, baby! And the chance to use Christmas money if you were lucky enough to get some.

Sorry to have such a superficial blog today, but it is wonderfully out of the ordinary for me to actually take pleasure in buying something, and today I got to! I have saved Christmas and birthday money for 2 years, and I was able to purchase a keyboard, stand, and pedal today in Louisville at Willis Music Store! Yippee! It took me a very long time, years even, to decide whether or not I "needed" a keyboard. I don't know if I needed it or not. I don't know if I will do more concerts because I have it or not. I don't know if I'll write more songs because of it or not. But I have prayed about it a long time, and I feel like God wants me to have it. Being ultra-conscious about the issue of Stuff, it's neat to think there are some things and some experiences that may not be a total necessity but still from Him. Neat. Thanks, God (and Mom & Dad, Jack, Leigh & Jon...)!

Reason However Many to Enjoy Winter: 'Cause Right Now Is All We've Got

Today was so fun! When I woke up, I wondered if it was a "snow day"...which never meant anything to me before until this winter, with Selah being in her first year of school now. (My dear husband gets up with Selah, and Yemi and I sleep until 9. I know, I know. Charmed life.) But anyway, we started out the day with breakfast, then playing, then we watched Sesame Street (my fave), and then Toy Story 3. Selah got it for Christmas, but I hadn't watched it yet. Tear, tear!! Then we had lunch, took "naps" (ha ha), did schoolwork, and dressed up like princesses (not me, and sorry there's no pictures of this! I have some great ones but they are still on the camera. Fail.) Then dinner, games, and "Potty Time with Elmo". A little too much TV today, but...yeah. No excuses. This is why I'm not homeschooling.

Of course that movie played a part in me being a little nostalgic the rest of the day, and thinking about how fleeting my moments with my girls are. Our little life, our little family, our little home. Their little shoes, their little clothes, their little faces. I just adore it, I really do. I am so glad I got over my problem of wishing away time; I struggled with that I had as a teenager. (Honestly, I think I was bored for the first 2 decades of my life!) So, I sit and breathe these times in every day, because pictures are helpful, videos are great, but you know what I really and truly have? Nothing but right now. Absolutely nothing. I can try to contain it all I want, hold onto it in every way I can imagine, but the facts are the facts. Right now is all we have.

So whether it's winter or not, I enjoyed this day to the fullest. Fully alive. The glory of God is man fully alive, so it was a worshipful day. Thank You, Lord, for the gift of right now.

I've Got Sunshine...

I wonder if you knew that Vitamin D is more powerful than the flu shot? Sorry to be a horrible blogger and not even have a site to prove it, but there are numerous articles online where it has been tested, and in the "alternative medicine" world it's pretty much a fact. I am giving my girls Vitamin D, about half a dropper full of a concentrated liquid kind, bought at Sonshine Natural Store in Campbellsville. The girls call it their sunshine.

Also, I am taking 5,000 iu of Vitamin D a day because when I was really sick, my doctor did some tests to see if I was low in it. She was the first doctor to do that, after all the specialists I had seen. Come to find out, being seriously low in D and B can make you feel as bad as if you had chronic fatigue syndrome or a sleep disorder. Just makes me want to scream WAKE UP to the medical community! And just FYI, it is not that expensive to have the tests done, pick up some pharmaceutical grade supplements if you have some deficiencies, and be on your merry way. If you do have deficiencies, you could literally feel better in a matter of days. (I did.)

If you have the winter blues, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, you need some drops of sunshine. Get outside every day if you can, absolutely stock up on Vitamin D, and if you're really desperate, paint the inside of your house the color of a lemon. That's what I did! :) As it snows tonight, I pray there is sunshine of many forms in your heart and home. Good night!

A Serious Winter Blah Moment...turned to gold

Hopefully you'll enjoy my new pics. They're cute. Kids are just cute, you know? Every one of them. Even an ugly kid would still be cute. Jack says its so we don't eat them...evolutionarily speaking...lol. Okay, that's the hunger speaking. I think I have a little stomach bug and haven't eaten in a day or so. I feel like I'm over it, but at the same time, feeling a little headachy and queasy still. I want to be WELL so I can go volunteer in Selah's class tomorrow and have friends over for dinner tomorrow evening, but we'll see what happens. I have learned from (sadly) years of not knowing what to expect with my health to accept what comes...

Actually I've been thinking a ton lately about how accepting the chronic illness/fatigue God had allowed into my life LED to more deliverance than all the fighting against it ever did. What I think I've learned is that there are different kinds of suffering, and I'll be quick about explaining it, or at least my take on the matter...

Some suffering, we cause ourselves. We make poor choices or we're ignorant, but the good side of this kind of suffering is that knowledge and discipline can bring healing. When we ask God for miraculous healing, I think it would be wise to ask Him to help us get a clue on what we are doing wrong (physically, spiritually, emotionally), and then take responsibility for it, if that's the case. Some suffering is just plain from the enemy, and he will have whatever authority in the situation that we believe he has. If we know the truth, that he has NO authority, actually, and that prayer and worship can shrink his territory (hallelujah!), then this kind of suffering can come to an end quickly, no need for it to stick around in a believer's life. And lastly, some suffering is handed straight from the Lord for our good and His glory. If we've worked through deciphering our personal suffering, its origin, and we get to this last one and find ourselves in suffering God has brought into our lives, we can know it is beauty. It is a gift. It is as beautiful as the cross of Christ. It, in a way, is the cross of Christ, and He is asking us to carry it with Him. He doesn't always want it to happen quickly, this thing of deliverance. Sometimes He does, for sure, but let's remember we are people of faith, not sight.

Three things these types of suffering have in common: 1) God is in control of it. Nothing comes to us without first passing through His hand. We don't want to believe this; it's painful. But it is more painful to believe God is powerless sometimes, because we know that's just not true. He's either ALL powerful or NOT powerful, we can't have it both ways. Either His word is true and He sees the sparrows, or not. 2) God is beckoning us closer to Him in every moment of trial, no matter the origin, He wants to show His faithfulness, compassion, and presence. He wants to show us what matters, as we die to our strong will about our and other's destinies. 3) God promised it. The Word is full of what to expect, its just that in our culture, and especially our North American Christian culture, somehow people have decided all suffering is from the enemy and therefore if you are suffering, you are somehow not in His will, not praying the right way, not standing strong enough, not knowing what you should know. After ten years of going round and round with this, I have peace in believing my God is not waiting for a magic word.

So, what is He waiting for? I don't think we are to just coast obliviously through. There is a battle, there is a race; we just want to make sure we're spending our energy on the right ones! A few ideas of maybe how He'd like us to respond: Believing in His power and sovereignty in all things, even when it appears His will is not being done; learning humility and the fear of the Lord which ultimately demands nothing from Him, puts us in a place where we do not concern ourselves with matters He has not given us to fix; prizing intimacy with Him above any goal, relationship, ministry, or even calling He has put in our hearts and lives; bringing a sacrifice of praise.

My time in Africa and the "sickness" that resulted from it are a mixture of all three origins of suffering. I wanted God to bring glory to Himself by healing me, and one time He did, for a season. But the things I have learned...I absolutely am so thankful for how these difficulties have changed me. I would be so busy, so lost in people's opinions and praise; I'd be a worker, not a daughter; I wouldn't be learning to love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength because I'd be worshipping all I could do for Him instead of Him. And that's just the beginning. I'm going to let suffering complete it's work in me, all the time stomping on the enemy who wants to make things confusing or worse than they are, and all the time learning about how to be as healthy and wise as I can. (This is the goal anyway!)

So...nothing specific to winter today...but it was last winter that I remember crying all the way home from a family gathering, where I was so sick and tired, and the only thought in my mind all the way home was, "God, You're not going to heal me, are You?" My heart was broken. I had been praying and believing for 9 years, and this was the very first time I allowed myself to be in that place of, really, despair. I remember thinking, "Okay, I am Yours. If you want me sick and unable to care for my kids or do anything I believe You've called me to do, I surrender. It's not my life anyway. If You want me well and able, You're going to have to make it happen, because I give up! Don't expect anything out of me, God, because You're making it impossible, You know!!!" Somehow, peace entered my heart at that time. I realized I needed to go with the flow, trusting that this was His flow. God assured me He didn't want anything from me anyway...not anything that I thought He wanted, that is. He wanted me to let go of my hold on my life, and really say "whatever", even if it was going to be a life of embarrassment, weakness, and nothingness. The journey of weakness had begun 9 years before, but now the journey of accepting it and finding joy in it would begin. And would you believe that 4 months later I met the doctor that knew what was physically wrong with me in one conversation, and I have actually had more wisdom, knowledge, and steps to healing this year than in 10 whole years of searching?

This is not the journey I hoped for, prayed for, or believed for. But it is mine, and I am with Jesus in it, so it's good! For anyone who read this far, bless your heart, and thank you for letting me share my life with you. I'd be happy to talk in person anytime!

Warming Up

Hey Fellow Winter-Lovers! (har har)

I'll tell you, this "only having a computer for 20 minutes a night" thing is cramping my style! I think it may be a good thing, because I certainly can't run the risk of being online too much, but since my computer died and I am using Jack's work one (after work!), it makes communication and blogging a little, um, crunched.

Anyway, today I read a wonderful thing. I'm not going to go on and on about it, I just want to share it, and then I'll tell you my "tip of the day" in regard to warming up in this season of chill. Martha Kilpatrick, whom I cannot recommend more, is a teacher, writer, and godly woman; she's written a small booklet series and it has been so good so far. Today, I had such a short time to read and I really only could digest this one sentence anyway: "If you want to be something in the world, you will be nothing in the Kingdom. If you are willing to be nothing in the world, you will be something in the Kingdom." It is a wonderful shift to think like this. How many times have I thought that when people applauded or looked up to me or wanted to learn from me or were even directly being helped by me then that was proof that I was being something in the Kingdom, that these things were proof that I was living in obedience and God's power? When I look around the world, I see ministries with powerful leaders, and I am not judging them, because I expect and assume that they live in humility and the fear of the Lord, but I then think of all the hundreds and thousands of nameless missionaries, pastors, servants out there who are not writing books and getting tv shows. Many of these servants suffer and never even see on this side of eternity any great and mighty works of God, at least not in the way that would be applauded by the Christian community as it is right now. Well, I said I wasn't going to go on and on...It's something to think about, though, right? And why does it matter? It matters because I have the rest of my life to spend for the Lord, and I don't want to aim for the wrong thing, the wrong picture of what that looks like.

So, if that thought alone doesn't get you all fired up, I have to say here's what I did to warm up today...an extra strenuous workout! (Yuck, I know!) I sweated extra because I hadn't exercised in almost 2 weeks. Yikes. I was like, "Let's take off these ankle weights, girl!" But alas, I had none on. I do intervals of 5 minutes on the treadmill-Not that I am in any position to give advice on this topic-But I walk 3 minutes, jog 1, run 1; then I do that 4 times. It makes the time go by fast, and you will be sweating before you're done, no doubt. Also, getting everything moving really does keep you warm for hours afterward. Just think, if we work out enough during the sweater and coat months, we might just be surprised come shorts weather. :) Happy Winter, everyone!

Day Two of the Winter Blahs Blog

So our planet is too far away and too tilted to get much of the precious light and heat of the sun this time of year, or something like that (I was never very good at science) and that, my friends, stinks.

But this blog is all about helping myself and others joyfully survive my least favorite season, so let's think about the good in this! Today what I was really thinking about, honestly, not just for this blog, was how Jesus is our Life Light.

In John, which I've just started reading again, he talks about Jesus being the light of man. It sounds like something from the Lord of the Rings. In the age of man, there is darkness, but when the Light appeared and made His dwelling here among us, "the darkness could not overcome it." Sometimes my perspective of the world and it's mess is that darkness has overcome, and we are waiting for rescue. In a way this is true, but if the real live Jesus lives in us and He is our Life Light, then WE overcome the darkness by simply setting foot in a place and knowing our authority there, knowing His authority there. As believers, what would happen if we believed and lived out this fact that the enemy has no authority over our lives, thoughts, actions, words...? I have been contemplating lately how many suggestions of the enemy tend to quietly come in, then change my feelings, moods, and actions in the end. A suggestion of the enemy can unwind my whole day, a relationship, a conversation, an attitude, a decision or direction...and to think, he had no authority in the room whatsoever.

I was watching my favorite show, Alias, one time. The "bad guy" came in the room where these CIA agents were making an important decision, and he made a suggestion about their course of action, and my favorite character, Sydney Bristow, looked at this guy for a split second then turned around to the rest of the team and quickly said, "He has no authority here. His way won't be considered." I guess for this to make sense you'd have to have some kind of topic in your own life that isn't victorious; since I do, it is really clicking with me. How many times have I started out something that really was wise and good, and from the Lord, and a few days in I lost sight and gave up? That's evidence of an enemy, and I am not that enemy.

Anyway, I don't have a lot of time to blog so I don't know if this darkness and light idea went in the right direction, but I know that we are truly dim and will remain so until we come near to the Lord. I mean that quite literally! I wake up to a brand new chance every morning, but my lights are not on...I am out of it, not excited about the day, about to just go through the motions of a dimly lit heart and mind. But God invites us to come into the Light, acknowledge the burning of the Holy Spirit's flame inside of us, through eating some of His Word for breakfast and worshipping at His throne for a coffee break. As we are in the Light, the darkness will not overcome us. We may not be close to the sun these days, but we can get closer than ever to the Light.

Winter Blahs Blog: Day One

So, tis January 2nd, and my "Winter Blahs Blog" hath begun!

The reason I am doing this (this being: writing about how to make it through the winter every day) is because winter is my least favorite season, and that is putting it nicely. Winter is hard for me on every level, and for a variety of reasons...but this year as it was coming, I felt the Lord saying to not dread it, but embrace it, that He would be there in the midst of it. And He already has been, in a big way! For me, there are tons of parallels to the Lord hidden in each of the seasons. Unfortunately, winter usually parallels to me to be a time of cold, dead, harsh difficulty, both physically and spiritually, like a suffering you just have to go through. I have a hard time enjoying the beauty of winter, because all I can see is the absence of the things I love: green, warm, sun, color. And without beauty, it's hard to relax. I don't feel unfolded before the Lord, I feel tired and frozen in the winter; some people call these times "winters of the soul". I totally get that phrase, and of course these winters don't just happen in the winter! Well...

Today at church a girl got up and shared how God has spoken to her recently. She mentioned this movie she had seen about this dog that was taken in and loved by this man, but the man died, and the dog just kept going back to that same spot anyway, looking for him, waiting for him, whether he came or not. As I listened to this, I thought, "I want to be like that dog. I want to go to the Lord and sit at His feet whether He looks my way or not. I want to go whether He shows up or not. I have to stay there, regardless of what He does, that is my destiny." Now, I believe God is always there...He's there long before I come to Him. But sometimes we worship how He makes us feel; we worship the dreams, revelations, new teachings, feelings, words of encouragement, even words of rebuke. But Jesus wants all-weather friends. He wants those who will sit on the icy bench in the garden, whether they feel His warm embrace or not.

So this winter, let it get as cold and miserable as it wants...physically, spiritually, whatever. We will come to the Lord for everything, and He will be exactly what we need, even if that means we still feel cold inside and out after we come. There is no doubt in my heart and mind that if we keep coming, His heart will be so overjoyed that it will spill over onto us in due time.

Unexpected Beginnings

Today was...interesting.

We ended up unexpectedly at the church where Jack and I got married...exactly ten years from the day of our wedding...but this time we were there for a funeral. Jack's stepfather's brother passed away this week after a battle with cancer. He was a young, handsome, and happy man; father of two, grandfather of a little girl, and very well-loved. Jack's brother, Joe, did a truly wonderful job of being the pastor at the funeral and sharing Jesus in a personal way to those who came to pay their respects. I didn't really know this uncle very well at all, had only seen him a few times really, but I was very sad to see my loved ones sad. The good news, as it was well declared today, is that he is no longer suffering and quite ecstatic actually to be where he is, ahead of us all, with Jesus.

So, it's interesting to think about an "end" on the very first day of a New Year, but also so very fitting! When all this is over, we will finally begin. Nobody likes a funeral, but honestly it's moments like that, days like today, that make us think about what we want to be remembered for and how we should, as believers, really feel about saying goodbye. Today made me and Jack want to plan our funerals...I just don't want my funeral to be churchy. I want to give people a chance to grieve and say goodbye to me, because our psyches need that, but I don't want the old songs and the big box and the quiet. I don't want people to gather around an empty shell of a body that caused me all kinds of grief, even if that is the face they loved; I want pictures, music, books, whatever people thought of when they thought of me, and ultimately I want people to worship the Lord. I want them to forget about themselves and enjoy the Lord's presence. I want a great praise band. I want people to celebrate my homecoming, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter what circumstances or timing led to my death, I am at peace with the way the Lord let it all go down. I am His, and He knows the number of my days. Not a sparrow falls to the ground without His knowledge and I am worth much more than that...and so are you! I know I'm weaving together a bunch of random thoughts, but wouldn't it be cool if all of my stuff (that my family didn't want, I guess) was set out at my funeral for people to take home with them if they shared a memory of me with that item?

So...sobering thoughts. As this family grieves their loss, my prayer for them is that the Lord would bring them deeper and farther and higher into His arms, into a new level of walking with Him, so that when their time comes...they're glad.

New Year's Eve & My Husband, Jack

I have always LOVED New Year's Eve! It is one of my favorite holidays. Even though I'm not usually doing anything spectacular on this day, it is momentous anyway. Today, Jack and I are working our little fingers to the bone laying flooring in our home...a dream come true, really! I never expected to get new floors, and now, after ten years, there is not one speck of icky carpet left in my house! Hallelujah! My favorite thing about New Year's Eve, actually, is to get alone and turn my face toward Jesus. When I was a teenager, post 1991 when my relationship with Him became "real", I would go to New Year's Eve parties but right before the ball dropped, I would find a little closet or something, and just be with Jesus, just adore Him. Tonight I am overwhelmed with adoration for the Lord, for who He has shown Himself to be in my life and for all the mysteries He still is. I love this Man. And there's another man I truly love as well.

The name "Jack", being a derivative of John, means "God's gracious gift." Jack is God's gracious gift to me. We are polar opposites, but best friends forever. This year, I am happy to say I have grown in the art of marriage. What God wanted to show me about acceptance, unconditional love, forgiveness, and respect were actually not only things I needed to learn for my marriage to be better or even for Jack to be happier, but these were characteristics I needed to grasp internally to move on in my journey with the Lord. The changes that have been made in my attitude, feelings, expectations, and actions toward Jack are still under construction, but it is exciting to be at peace and not need anyone to change but myself.

I am truly thankful for Jack and all his hard work. He works more than 40 hours a week at his "day job", then spends his "free time" with me and the girls. He barely has time to eat 3 meals a day, and doesn't really have a moment to himself until I go to bed at 10. It makes me sad when people criticize him for not answering his phone or getting together with them; I wish they understood his life right now. I hope that this year he feels bound to the Lord in a fresh new way, and that the desires of his heart would come to pass, every last one of them.

It's going to be a wonderful new year, this 2011! God is moving in our hearts; He is humbling His people and turning us to Him above all things, above all loves, above all service, above all goals. I have no resolutions this year; I sense nothing except a year of drawing nearer to the Lord and finding more in my heart, mind, soul, and strength to give up to make room for Him. (Oh, for this to truly happen! I am so unable on my own!) I'll end this post with the chorus of a song I finally finished last night (started in 2008!)

"After all this time, after all this journey

after all I've tried to be

You've simplified, cleared my mind of all I could pursue

so I could just want You."

Favorite Christmas Moments 2010

In no particular order, these are some of my fave moments so far!

*Singing a nice ringing chorus of "Auld Lang Syne" with some of my favorite people at our Annual House Concert at the Casteels

*Walking outside on Christmas Eve and discovering an inch of snow; watching Selah in her red dress and coat slowly dance along the sidewalk with her eyes closed and face upturned

*Having my parents come for brunch; I felt like a grown up. :)

*Accompanying my cousin, Adam, as he sang "O Holy Night"; hearing him sing "Mary, Did You Know?", and listening to those words again for the first time

*Discovering the sugary goodness of praline pecans; making them for the first time, carrying on the wonderful recipe of my cousin Kathy (who passed away in 2009)

*Hearing Yemi pray for me in the car, because I was sick; "God, help Mommy...-insert an unintelligible sentence or two-...Amen."

*Realizing Selah is old enough to play board games; remembering how much i LOVE games and looking forward to many game nights in the future!!!

*Singing "Count Your Blessings" with Selah...everywhere we have been this week, we have performed. She was a precious little messenger of song. And I can't forget Yemi's performances as well...precious in a different way!

*Watching old videos, Christmas movies, and Christmas cartoons (remember Claymation Christmas?)

*Sitting on my bed in quiet time with the Lord, looking back on the journey of this year, and thanking Him for coming and rescuing me...again and again.

*Dancing with Jack, Selah, and Yemi in our living room to "It Really Is (A Wonderful Life)"; knowing time is passing, but we have today, and it is beautiful, and it is enough.

A Day Off

Wow! Jack gave me a great early Christmas present, and just what I needed: A day off. A glorious, quiet, day alone. I love to steep in stillness.

While I did some laundry and groceries and work around the house, I got to do it alone. And just like I would do when I had free time as a little girl, I rearranged and cleaned my bedroom. It is a good thing I have finally embraced and accepted myself as the introvert that I am, or I would be quite frustrated at this reality!

Anyway, in my time alone, my brain got a chance to breathe, and while these are by no means 2011 New Years Resolutions, they are ideas that I am laying at the Lord's feet...They are in me for a purpose, and I don't need them to happen to be happy and fulfilled, but as I said, they are in me for a purpose. So, here's a brief list--some small, some big, none random really.

1. Make a 4th CD. There are some new people I want to work with this time around, and some new people I want to ask to sing duets with me. I'm really excited to finally get the songs I have written over the past four years on CD; to tell these stories through music is so much fun. The CD will be called Songs for My Family: Near and Far, and they are all written to or about people I consider family, from those living under the same roof with me to the least of these worldwide.

2. Start The Lydia Bridge. I have this idea to partner with small international ministries who help women in underdeveloped countries earn an income by making crafts, like jewelry, quilts, and handbags. My hope is to truly form partnerships between women in the U.S. who purchase their workmanship and the women themselves around the world. The main way I want to do this is to become a business "middle-woman" if you will, between customers and those making the crafts, so that these micro-enterprises can continue to benefit those in need and so that women here can buy meaningful gifts for themselves and each other, all the while forming prayer bonds and friendship with the artists. Three main ways to follow this through are: Parties at host houses (like Thirty One or Pampered Chef), setting up at craft fairs, and setting up at my (or others) concerts.

3. Go back for my Masters Degree in Professional Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy at WKU.

4. Paint some furniture in my house. Get a storm door. Get a headboard for Selah's bed. Finish decorating the basement.

It's been a fun day. Off to exercise and watch Sydney Bristow kick some booty!

Computer Crash

Well, I was just telling someone this week how hard it would be for me to live without my computer. I didn't even have a laptop until maybe a year ago, when Jack was given a new Mac for work and his laptop passed down to me. Oh, my gosh, there is so much more I could have done with it, but I was totally rocking the iPhoto, iTunes, and internet. GarageBand was also fun at times, but I never did anything really worthwhile on it. I have my website, not that it's anything great, but people do go to find lyrics and chords of my songs on there. Everyone communicates by Facebook and email now, even my own mother who is still on juno.com. Lately I was burning some great worship CDs for friends and blogging more, here and at Megan's website (www.themommypost.com)...so I'm sad!

Anyway, I think my computer is dead. It's something I want to be mature about, like see how God wants to use this...maybe I was using it too much, or maybe it was a distraction. I am certain if the Lord wants me to have a computer, I'll have a computer. Bam. But I'm still sad. I feel like Facebook and blogging really keep me from being isolated, plus I am a major "verbal" processor and I have to work through things by writing, I just have to. I still journal, but the blog makes me feel like I am learning things that maybe are affecting others, too. But mostly it's just fun, and I need that!

Oh, well. Enough. At least Jack has a computer I can sometimes steal away. Maybe this will make my blogs a little more purposeful.

Tonight was our first Christmas gathering; Jack's side of the family. It was really fun. Grandma gave me some used house shoes and a dreamcatcher. Yes, I'm serious. I am pretty sure it was a gag gift...I mean, obviously it was a gag gift, but the question is whether it was MEANT to be a gag gift! The kids got some beautiful dresses, jammies, and baby dolls. That's all they need...yet there are about 5 more "Christmases" to go. It's such a fun 2 weeks, but I really have to pace myself...meaning get in bed every chance I have, keep exercising, taking my supplements, and doing the other stuff on my list. This time last year was so hard; I praise Him for the path He has taken me on this year, and I praise Him that out of His great mercy I feel better than I thought I would.

Tree Turtle

I am genuinely concerned about Tree Turtle.

Unfortunately, I don't have a picture to show you, but it really is real.

One day about 2 years ago, I was doing dishes and looking out my window at the tree. It was winter, so all it was just bare branches, and lo and behold, there was Tree Turtle. It's like this funny knobby thing on one of the branches that looks JUST like a turtle with it's head poked up. So cute. So it became my little winter pet. I'm really not crazy...Really.

Well, with the ice that came in last night...ummm...I can't find him! I don't know if his branch is bending too low and is behind another branch or what. I'll certainly let you know as soon as he rears his cute little head again, because I'm sure you are now concerned as well. And when he does, I will take a picture!! You just don't know what you have until it's gone!! (LOL!)

Home

So, I suppose Christmas Break has started early for us. Selah is home with strep throat, and it looks like an ice storm will be coming to knock out chances of school on Thursday. Bring on the peanut butter balls, Santa Clause movie marathon, and well, um, insanity.

I'm just feeling a little weird, like I am just not ready for Christmas, and I have no idea why. Our first "christmas" is this Saturday, with Jack's side of the family. It will be fun, and then the next day its christmas again, at my mom and dad's. It'll be great...but what about it makes me want to just go ahead and eat every praline I made (to bring to the parties)?

Well, another lame blog post, but I do think some good ones are coming. I want to do some "year-end book and movie reviews" (don't you just love my overuse of quotation marks today? You know i'm in a sarcastic mood when I use lots of quotation marks!) And then in January, once all the beautiful holiday festivities are over and it's just plain cold, I am going to launch into a daily blog about winter survival. I seriously do plan to blog every day on the topic of ideas to make winter spectacular for those of us prone to hibernation! I'm sure that my ideas are things everyone else knows, however, I will need to write them down for my own sake...and maybe they'll be a reminder to my fellow shiver-ers.

Good Morning!

Wow. It's early. So sorry to be a wimp, I realize most people get up at 6:30, but not me. I've been fighting it since I was little. I remember, I used to get my clothes for the next day on before I went to bed so that I could get up later...And now, I have a legitimate reason to not get up early. My overall health depends on about 12 hours of sleep a night. While I've grown to accept it, it's obviously hard to stay feeling well. It's a lot of discipline to stay well, but at least now I know what I need and can make it happen. :)

Anyway, yesterday and today I had to be up at 6:30 to take Selah to school because my dear Jack is out of town for work. It was nice to have the extra hours; got more laundry and dishes done than I usually do in a week! I also had some time to get out my guitar and play a little. That led to me getting a little house concert set up at my friends' house, to play Christmas songs. So, that's been nice... but the cloud hanging over my head of fatigue and loopiness, not so nice.

I've also had a little more time with the Lord. God convicted me this week of putting working out before time with Him. I wasn't just prioritizing my time wrongly, it was in my heart, too. For about 8 months, I've had all these changes to my diet and life so that I can get better...but with all the changes, I started to gain a little weight, and because that's always been such a battle, I felt I needed to bring it back to the forefront of my mind again. But it has led to such bondage; anytime I put anything in the forefront of my mind over knowing Jesus, that's what happens! So, it has been wonderful to place this part of my life where it belongs (on the radar, but not front and center) and remember the One Thing I am living for.

So...kind of randomness today...but I thought I'd share. Have a happy day, and let's turn our eyes upon Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith!

Full Circle

I have been listening to a teaching on bitterness for the past several months, and the Lord is really using it in my life. When I started it, I wondered how it would play out...would I become aware of hidden bitterness? It turns out that I have, and I'm sure there is more to be revealed. Anyway, I just am struck today by the way these past 2 weeks have happened in regard to this lesson in bitterness coming full circle.

2 weeks ago, my good friend shared with me something; she was not being confrontational really, but God used it internally as something I needed to be confronted about. Basically, I was holding a lot of judgment and critical opinions about someone, truly thinking I had learned something they didn't know; without ever coming to grips with it fully, I had believed I was right and they were wrong. Regardless of who is right or wrong, it was seething under the surface and would come out every now and then if others brought it up. Self-righteousness was winning over love. That's the bottom line.

Well, I saw how it was hurting people, finally I saw it. I had done the same thing to Jack, also, in marriage through the years and had repented of that, so it was a familiar problem. That next day at church, I had time to work through it with God, and made an altar so to speak to lay down the ugly sin (I didn't think it was ugly before, I thought it was deserved and true and just). Knowing that you can starve a thought to death, I committed to no longer dwell on or speak of these opinions again. I asked God to remove them from my heart completely, and while the facts still exist of what they believe vs. what I believe, I don't care anymore. They are God's and I am God's, and He is in charge of what we need to know right now.

That very day, after releasing these people, God in turn set me free. He was waiting for me to show grace SO THAT He could offer to me grace in the same proportion. I know He is merciful and good and shows grace even when we don't, but He wanted me to understand this spiritual law of Matthew 7...the same measure I show grace, that is the measure in which I will receive it myself. His grace to me came in the form of showing me the invisible enemy who was wreaking havoc on my life; He opened my eyes to victory over some things that had really been lessening my joy.

Then a couple days ago, this yucky conversation happened with my loved one where I was the object of her judgment and unsolicited opinions. It was important for me to see that I have done this to so many people...these people I have mentioned, Jack, and others in the past. It was like God was showing me what it looks like to...well, just not love. Love hasn't been my crusade. People doing their best, people getting what they deserve, people changing "for the better", that was my crusade. Maybe I am a hippie, but I'm not sure what good any of that does when we'd rather have justice than mercy.

I was thinking about it today, after listening to more of the teaching on bitterness, how God did not get justice and how He did not show justice to me, but instead mercy. God does not deserve to have to put up with me; He certainly does not deserve to love me, a wandering sheep. Oh, how He deserves a fiery love! When He sent His Son to die for me, justice was not done. There was nothing just or fair about it. It was mercy. And that is why I'm finally, finally, getting a glimpse of understanding on how to love others. Even if I'm poorly loved, even if I never get out of someone what they really should give me, (everything from store cashiers to my children!), I want to choose to love. Accept. Show mercy over justice. Let God be their Potter, not me.

Yeah.

Freedom

You know, I have so much growing to do...so much learning to do...so many things that I don't even know need to be cleaned up in my heart, life, beliefs...I won't know what they are until God allows circumstances or conviction or conversation to bring them up. Having said that, I want to blog today about something that sort of shocked me.

Yesterday I had a really difficult conversation with a loved one. It felt at the time that it was coming out of nowhere, but throughout the day I realized it was a bit of a time bomb waiting to go off. I am the type of person that once I have changed, for example once my attitude is different about something, I completely forget what I used to be like. It takes something big to happen before I go, "Oh my gosh, I don't do that anymore" or "Wow, that's not even an issue now." My point is that since God did such a work of freedom in my heart the past year or two (which I won't explain because I've talked so much about it in my blogs already), I live in a fairly peaceful state. I certainly can still get mad or upset about things, and I have my moments of feeling sad and depressed, but because the deepest question in my soul has been answered, I am calm and at peace, and don't worry about many things. I don't ignore problems, I don't pretend, but at the same time, I feel like I have accepted a lot of the things that are hard in life that others want to keep fighting against.

I'm not trying to sound high and mighty, like I've arrived at some nirvana! BUT I am free from my striving to achieve and change things. I am free from trying to make God or anyone else do or become something of my creation, my planning. I don't live in a constant state of trying to prevent suffering. This has definitely started to show in my parenting, my conversations, my emotions (what I don't get worked up about), etc. Well, finally I will get to the point: While people have mentioned that they think I am patient, calm, at peace, yesterday was the first time I was actually attacked about it. Without going into it, I think they were jealous of this perspective and peace that God has given me. It was so weird to be accused of not caring enough about the things other people care about, not trying to dress or live like others, living "cluelessly" like a "hippie". I absolutely took this as a compliment. Of course there were some mean things said as well, that I won't share. These things I didn't take as a compliment, but I have disregarded them already! I've also been told my kids don't respect me because I'm too sweet and patient with them, when they need sternness. (First of all, I'm not sweet and patient, and plenty stern, don't be fooled! I only attempt to control MYSELF first and foremost, above controlling them.) I take this as a compliment, too.

I really do feel secure in the way I am living my life. It is a relief and a joy to hear these criticisms and after praying about it, really think to myself, "There was nothing of value from God in that. I am moving on." I'm sharing this, not to sound like I have it all together, because we all know I do not and am not even trying to, but because we are ALL in this same boat. We have to make our decisions and just LIVE. People's comments really can just slide off our backs. Our validation, encouragement, and correction comes from the Lord. Be free, friends, be free! I hope that sharing this little glimpse of my journey to confidence and freedom will be affirmation to you!

AMEN!

Wow, I heard a great word today from IHOP Kansas City. It's "old" but new to me! A girl, I think her name was Julie Meyer, had a dream where God was speaking to her about several things. I need to listen to it again to really describe it, but I wanted to share this one thought.

She said something like: "Whatever you tripped over yesterday, you are going to tread upon today!" Have you ever just had a hallelujah or an amen or a YES just rise out of your gut and come out your throat without a chance to think it through? This has been happening to me more often recently. In the kitchen, when I heard this word, I jumped up and down, screaming YES!! AMEN!!! Victory. Yemi loved it. She likes to yell, "Jesus!" whenever she hears worship.

I wrote a song one time called "When A Flame is Fine", and its about how we/Christians/myself are pretty inhibited and perhaps even slightly dull to the sheer joy and dare I say emotion that the cross deserves! When you've been rescued, when you understand you've been rescued, I mean, really, is the proper response the type of things we tend to see in church on Sunday mornings?? Cold and quiet, hands in pockets?? I digress at this point...but I want to declare that yes, there are still many places where I cannot be totally myself and let those cries from my gut come out, but my home and where I worship on Sunday mornings are FREE spaces. It's good to not have to hold it inside anymore. FREEDOM!

What The?

So, I woke up today at 11:59, and while I know there are much worse things to wake up to, I woke to a complete and utter mess. Obviously, from the 14 hour night of sleep the night before, I'm not feeling so good, so I guess the past few days blurred by and I didn't notice the mess accumulating. Jack has been working non-stop on the girls' bedroom floors (bless him!!), so I've had to keep the girls downstairs playing and watching movies for days. It had all kinds of potential to be fun, and sometimes it was, but laying around watching movies with your hubby or by yourself and laying around watching movies with a whiney, snotty nosed 2 year old who only wants to watch Elmo or Dora is a different thing altogether.

So, anyway, every room in my house is disgusting. I actually dreamt last night about dust and cobwebs, so my subconscious was trying to prepare me! Most of the girls' belongings are in the middle of the kitchen, there's all kinds of crud under the table, 2 full loads of dishes and laundry to be done, receipts and paperwork I can't seem to get to (both physically and mentally!) and yet if I don't, who knows what may happen to the checking account? There is a stack of stuff Selah's teacher wants me to fill out or do or buy, due by 4 different dates in December, the basement is covered in toys from this morning when Jack was trying to keep the kids occupied (and halfway quiet for me, again, bless him!), and when I looked in the mirror I realized my distant relatives from both sides of the family had been forced to behold my completely overgrown eyebrows. Plus, no matter how hard I work at it, the scale continues to mock my efforts. I am SO staying in my pajamas today.

I feel better after sharing my ridiculous complaints; I really do. I need to go outside a little, and breathe in some fresh air before I attack this mess. December is going to be wonderful: more new flooring which is a dream come true, Christmas parties, Selah being off school again, making yummy things to share with friends and family. And January through March? Well, survival will require some spiritual warfare...and blogging. I've decided to blog Jan-Mar (almost) everyday, each day bringing up a new way to survive the worst winter has to throw at us! I am no longer a winter-hater, I just know I need some extra support during those darker, shorter, colder days. Thanks for stopping in, friends. Love you and hope you had a fantastic Thanksgiving! (Kind of ironic, my Thanksgiving post was the opposite. I'll try to make up for that later!)

Hi!

I'm going to try to sneak in a quick blog while I'm making dinner! Last week, I missed blogging but I was just really too pitiful to get on here and say what was on my mind. I figured it would have done no good for anyone! It was just a rough week, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even socially. Sometimes my blogs may sound confident, as if I'm saying, "Oh, wow, look what I've discovered and look how easy all this is!!" If you ever take that home after reading, please remember this: I am a total and complete mess whose sound mind at any moment of any day is because Jesus has mercy on me. There. Now you know. :)

Anyway...speaking of Jesus having mercy...I have really had a breakthrough I would love to share! Whether it is the adrenal fatigue, or depression, or whatever, I was beginning to fear getting up in the morning; I wondered what I would face, and I wasn't sure anymore if I could handle what I would face. It's been like this for years, because some days I feel good and then on those days I can keep commitments, get things done, and feel pretty positive about my life, and then many days, I feel like I didn't sleep at all and I just want the day to be over before it's begun. When there are days like this in a row (which last year was pretty much every day), it definitely starts to get to me, and I forget who I really am and how I normally feel about all God has given me. There's the background, here's the good news:

On Sunday, the message/worship was about spiritual warfare. I felt like God was speaking directly to me, saying, "You are NOT a slave to what circumstances and feelings and moods, even sickness, that you wake up to!" I realized it was the enemy, it was Satan, who was taking these weaknesses of my body and life and turning them into something more than they actually are. I realized that I am not the enemy; my body and mind, even as carnal and flesh as it is, is not the enemy. My weaknesses are not the problem! The way I was allowing Satan to USE my weaknesses against me was the problem. Those weaknesses can be tremendous strengths with the right perspective: turning them into dependence on the Lord, bringing sacrifices of praise which are beautiful in His sight, and making my life "limited" to His will (not taking on more than He actually wants me to). It is awesome to not see myself as something to be feared, to not see myself as the enemy, because truth be told, I was treating myself like the enemy. I was not living, eating, taking care of my self like a person would who loves herself. I do have an enemy though, and I know how to deal with him! It is amazing how fast he has to flee when we declare that we will not agree with him, that we will not live by the thoughts he puts in our mind first thing in the morning!

I don't have power over these circumstances, and I don't like to pretend everything is great when I'm walking through quicksand. But I do have power, by God's presence and grace and truth, over what these circumstances do to me. AMEN!

Don't Neglect Redirection!

I am almost finished being shocked by my constant need for redirection.

For goodness sake, I am like a kid you have to tell every five minutes what they're supposed to be doing (or not doing). I forget what good news I just heard, I forget what clear word I received, and I'm just clueless...every morning. I'm lost and depressed...every morning. So it is a real joy that I am almost finished being shocked by my constant need for redirection, because now that I realize it and embrace this weak and sad reality about me, I can forgive myself and move on! God is showing me how important it is to receive redirection outside of myself. I never used to be the type to depend on books, teachings/podcasts, Bible Study workbooks, or praise music CDs to receive the guidance and truth that I needed from God. But now, I am taking in all I can get!

It makes sense to me to say that if we're in church, or in a Bible Study, or reading a book (all in efforts to grow spiritually) and those experiences do not redirect our eyes and hearts and lives to Jesus and how much He loves us, they are a waste of time. Our devotion and love for Him throughout the week will only be a response to the devotion and love we learn that He has for us first! We must be transformed daily by the renewing of our minds (Heb. 12) and His mercies are new every morning (Lam. 3:22). We do forget...and we are surprised that we feel angry or sad or confused. We need to do whatever it takes to be redirected to His love, His forgiveness, and His Word all day long, for no reason other than we need it. I think of Daniel and how he remained strong by seeking the Lord three times a day. Did he do this because the law required it? I don't think so! Maybe he did it because he knew of his constant need for redirection.

Not because we have to, not because anyone is watching, not for any reason other than we want more of Him and less of us, let's make altars in our daily schedules...moments where we escape the world and run into His arms, and be redirected into His love. Maybe it's a CD ready in the CD player to move your heart to Him while you clean up breakfast, then the Bible open on the lunch table where you can meditate on just one scripture, or during the kids' naps come to Him first before you move on to other tasks. As a mom, I feel like my time with God is so different than it used to be and it's been really hard to focus on Him even when I do find the time to spend with Him, but there are ways to work that out and we must continue to do so. These resources (CDs, books, teachings online) that I've mentioned are some of the things helping me to come out of the world and into His sanctuary throughout the day.

Lastly, it has been good to be out of so called "leadership" for the past couple of years, because I have learned a valuable truth about it. Christian leaders have 2 jobs: stay intimately and personally growing with Jesus as their #1 priority in life, and secondly, redirect people's eyes, ears, and hearts to Jesus Christ. Leaders don't need to seek to change anyone or tell anyone what to do or even what to believe, they just need to redirect people to Him and He will take care of the rest. When we are constantly being redirected back to the Lord and His peace, we will become redirectors ourselves.